Conservative.
BARBED WIRE.
He says it should be pronounced
Rosy-velt and it is thought best to let
the impetuous young gentleman have
Ills own way about it.
Sir Tom spent $462,000 this year en
deavoring to secure that ugly and
elusive bit of silver for a watch
charm. This does not include bouquets.
A worried Englishman wishes he
knew what is going on down the
King's throat. If our information is
at all correct , principally champagne.
The American republic is like the
American dollar. About seventy mil
lions of people are busy saving it ,
when they might be better employed.
Some men are so constituted that
the absolute knowledge that they are
poor doesn't hurt them nearly so badly
as does a mere suspicion that some
other fellow is rich.
We note that when a political ma
chine is smashed the smashers always
gather up a few stray levers , cogs ,
belts and pulleys' , and organize a re
construction bureau.
After all , when you consider the
matter seriously , the little boy who
informed his teacher that America
was discovered by the Spanish in 1898
was not so very far off the track.
All the way from Manila comes the
information that an octopus lias ten
tentacles. Good deal ' like the
"quartette consisting of six young
ladies' ' which we read about now and
then.
So far the inquiry has established
the fact that the Spanish ships were
sunk , burned and run ashore. Be
patient , whatever else may have been
done to them will probably develop
later on.
Now that Herr Most has fully proven
that his famous "Murder Against
Murder' ' editorial was published more
than fifteen years ago , it is a certain
Peerless one who stands convicted of
plagairism.
Since the discovery that the
Minnesota foot ball team goes into
battle armor-plated , the late rise in
steel stocks can be explained in a
legitimate way , and the trusts can
establish an alibi.
The Chicago Tribune informs us that
snails are employed as window-wash
ers in Philadelphia. Even if the
Quaker City is as slow as the envious
Chicagoans would have us believe ,
this fresh insult is uncalled for.
You may refer to anarchy as a can
cer on the body of civilization if you
wish to , but just make a careful
diagnosis of the recent star anarch
ist's name , and see if it doesn't strike
you as being more like "Pole-evil. "
Like the old lady who would rather
beg her bread from door to door than
subsist on charity , and not unlike the
Irishman who was going to have peace
if ho had to fight for it , Porter re
fuses to disgorge , because that would
bo a confession of dishonesty.
A patriotic and generous contribu
tion to help save the republic , and a
filthy corruption fund are about the
same thing , the difference resting not
so much in the way you look at a matter
of that sort as it does in where you
stand when you do the looking.
The only thing proven by the Schloy
inquiry is that mnemonics should be
added to the course of study at the
naval training school. Wo make this
suggestion not so much on account of
its intrinsic worth , but because it
gives us a chance to ring in a big
word.
J. M. Gray , of Sutton , Nebr. ,
taught a trick dog to eat paper. It
was a great trick , but the poor dear
doggy suffered the penalty of great
ness when he playfully devoured a
twenty dollar bill , and the can
vassing board decided to go behind
the returns.
Our minister wants to now what
what's-'is-name's
passed through - -
brain when he took his seat in that
fatal chair. Not wishing to keep
anything back from him , the prison
officials come square out and make a
clean breast of it by asserting that it-
was about 1700 volts.
I once listened to a lecturer of the
Carry Chipmunk Scat brand , who for
two long bitter hours lambasted the
existing parties on account of their
many inconsistencies , closing with an
unmeasured denunciation of the cor
ruption funds which the horrid
men raise by subscription for the pur
pose of strengthening their party or
ganizations. After the close of the
lecture the man behind the green baize
corn popper was called upon to per
form his sacred duty "for the good of
the cause. ' ' Which only proves that
inconsistency doesn't always wear
trousers.
That "noted scientist" who insists
that he will soon be sending messages
to Mars , by telephoning along a ray
of light , describes the transmitter and
receiver in detail , but persistently
refuses to make public the name of
the man who is to shinny up that ray
of light and fasten on the receiver.
Apropos of scientists , a professor of
the Kansas University wont the
kerosene route the other day. He was
deeply versed in chemistry , but had
failed to study up how to make a
smoldering fire assimilate a quart of
coal oil without adopting the policy
of expansion.
Is it not queer how many strong men
there are who will burst hundreds of
breeching straps , and never strain a
trace ? . When a horse does that , we
say that he is a balky , ill tempered
brute ; when a man does that he is
called a statesman by other men who
have collar-galls .all over their own
shoulders.
Even the kidnapping fad , though
ordinarily innocent enough , can be
run to extremes. One Burke , of
Sharon , Pa. , kidnapped his mother-
in-law. What he intended doing with
her is a matter of some doubt , as he
was captured before his policy had
developed , but a married man's sup
position is that lie thought to in
timidate her other sons-in-law by
threatening that incase they failed
to leave $8,000,000 behind a certain
stump , in a certain grove , on a certain
night , he would bring her back. 'Tis
thus that this fiend in human form
teaches Pat Crowe that he doesn't
know the rudiments of the game.
As an instance of the lofty senti
ments which lead men on to fame , we
quote the candidate for sheriff in a
Nebraska county , who accused his op
ponent of having thrown his own tlead
father's body into the riverbeing too
stingy to give him a decent burial.
Although dozens of indignant friends
rushed to his defense , and
the brethren of his lodge
produced the records of the order
which proved that the departed
was buried with all the honors of war ,
the right prevailed , and the genius
who invented the story gets a comfort
able working majority , and two more
years of a full dinner pail. And this is
described as ' ' another victory for free
silver. ' '
A potent , grave and reverend
educator delves deep in his hidden
store of knowledge ( and when wo say
hidden we speak advisedly ) and deftly
fishes forth a criticism on the editorial
fraternity. Claims wo are too prone
to abbreviate , eliminate unimportant
words , and trim the waste off our
sentences. The dear man fails to
catch our straight balls , doubtless
expecting curves. He is informed by
these presents that if paper and ink
are not precious , the readers' time
is , and that the average person knows
whom you refer to when you write of
the "Peerless" quite as well as
though you had introduced him as the
peerless orator , peerless statesman ,
peerless soldier , etc. , and you wouldu' t
make the case any stronger if you kept
on peerlessing till you ran out of
lower-case " e" s. As to the abbrevia
tions , any man should know without
being told that the boy orator of the
Platte and the boy orator of the
platitudes are one and the same
person , and , in a case like that , a
particularization is a superfluity.
