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Conservative.
UNCLASSIFIED.
A Chicago professor is lecturing on
"How to Lie When Sleeping. " The
politicians are nmch interested. In the
heat of a campaign , much
time has been lost because ly
ing has been limited to wak
ing hours. The effects of the learned
professor's discovery upon the next cam
paign are awaited with interest.
Travelling-men can now be regaled with
} the dire disaster to the late lamented
'
I " Fourth of July without disturbing the
1 j\ \ slumbers of the peerless prevaricator of
the Platte.
The American saloon appears to be
much more patriotic than the constitu
tion. It never fails to follow the flag.
It is now becoming fashionable in
high circles for the ladies to attend
church in full dress. The dear creatures
undoubtedly feel that they should un
bosom themselves to the Lord.
Gov. Yates , of Illinois , if he eons -
s ) tiiiues in his present course , will relieve
Tanner and Altgeld entirely of the
stigma of being the most disreputable
v politicians produced by the great com-
'
monwealth.
It would be a misfortune should the
t > great and good Billy Mason be retired
from the senate. While the whole na
tion has been compelled , numberless
times to blush for the senate , Billy is
the only one on record with such a prop
er appreciation of the situation as to
blush in the senate.
Let's see ; was there not a rumor of an
ebullition in the South Carolina tea-pot ?
Did not somebody or something presenl
his resignation to somebody on the euc
of a pitchfork ? There is no illustration
of "innocuous desuetude" so sublime
as a resigned Pop. His enemies are as
tounded and his friends disgusted.
Mr. Bryan will soon have to desist in
his assaults upon the gold democrats , to
devote his time to discipline at home. J
F. Rdbeson , of Colorado , ( Colorado
mind you ) , which once had a reputation
for being a silver state ; this J. F
Robeson , who carried the vote of that
state' to Washington and was the fore
most of Bryan partisans , says : "It is
foolish to think that the silver issue can
be made an issue in future campaigns
It is dead , and apparently so dead that
the hope of resurrection has passed
The democratic party might as well ad
mit this , first as last , and form lines
favorable to genuine democracy. " Tha
last sentence sounds very much as if
Mr. Robeson felt that for some time he
had been imposed upon by a spurious
brand of democracy. The loss of over
109,000 of Bryan's majority between
1896 and 1900 appears to have even
jolted the silver issue in that state.
Now that the people have been re
lieved of the grievous tax on beerlet u
U
iopo they will also be relieved of an
equal amount of foam.
The republican party is always first
u the cause of ediicatiou. The high
ohool girls now feel that life is no
onger a burden , and the graduation
jown is now within reach. A loving
government has abolished the tax on
gum.
The toiling millions of the United
States must turn with gratitnde toward
; luit power that has romovea Aax from
cosmetics and perfumery while it-is're
tained upon such gross subjects as food
and clothes.
Relieving the patent medicine manu
facturers of about five millions a year ,
while the price of the goods remain the
some , must rejoice the heart of every
patriot.
It must have been some other Fourth
of July to which the peerless prognosticator -
cater alluded last summer. For this
Fourth was very nmch in evidence. It
appears that even the calendar "has it
in for him. "
Senator Beveridge is working the
literary bureau to the full of its bent.
The senator has been travelling and al
leges that he has secured a fund of in
formation. The novel sensation so
elates him that he must inform a
startled public. When we remember
the continuous flow of his language be
fore he was attacked by information of
the brain , we tremble for the reputation
of our peerless. In some of his many
interviews , the senator might explain
what is to become of his former po
litical ideas ( if we may be allowed the
expression ) now that he is well informed.
The editorial space of the Commonei
for June 28th was taken up with the
Declaration of Independence. This is
a little old to some of us , but it is good ,
and its democracy is refreshing , after so
many weeks of populism.
April 19 , 1898 , on the anniversary of
the battle of Lexington , congress re
solved , among other things , "That the
people of the Island of Cuba are and oi
right ought to be free and independent. "
July 20 , 1900 , the republican party , at
Philadelphia , said , amongst other rot
"No thoughts of national aggrandize
ment tarnish the purpose with which
American standards were unfurled. '
On the 25th of July , 1900 , the Governor-
General of Cuba , in proclamation , said :
"The United States hereby disclaims
any disposition or intention to exercise
sovereignty jurisdiction or control over
said island except for pacification. " It is
now up to the republican spell-binder to
show * the direct relationship of these
promises to the Platt resolution and the
horde of carpet-baggers now malting
America a by-word of reproach.
AtMt. Hope , Kansas , the husbands
have formed an anti-kissing . club. As
-.1'
t only applies to their wives there is
no danger of the members sufferiugaud
loubtfal if their wives notice any
change.
Poor Porto Rico. The supreme court
ays that as to foreigners , she is part of
; he United States , but to us she is
foreign. The supreme court appears to
) e trying to equal the president in using
words that conceal the meaning.
The Druid soothsayers seem to have
uid the Bryan gift of prophecy in its
> est form. . .Cicero one of their peer
less 'prognosticators/'says / : "This man
'oretold futureWenjts partly by augury ,
but mostly by * congeetttro. "
The Commoner says ;
' Prof. Starr , of Chicago University
says that the habit some of the college
boys have of parting their hair in the
middle is a sign of degeneracy. What
about those so-called democrats who
part their political opinions so near the
middle that they can vote the republi
can ticket as easily as they can the
democratic ticket ? " *
Will the "matchless soldier , peerless
orator , and spotless statesman , " tell us
why those democrats with no political
opinions to part with , devote their time
to the division of offices with any old
party of similar trading instincts.
T. M. S.
A CORRECTION.
The publishers of THE CONSERVATIVE
take this opportunity of making cor
rections in the article , which ap
peared in the issue of July
4th , under the title of "The Im
proved Condition of Cuba Under Ameri
can Administration , " contributed by
Col. Edgar S. Dudley.
In a note at the bottom of the first
column on page 6 , it was stated that
Col. Dudley was Judge Advocate of
Havana , Cuba. We desire to make the
announcement that Col. Dudley was
Judge Advocate of the entire island of
Cuba. Havana was merely one of the
several military departments of the
military division of Cuba , under the di
rect command of Major-General Brooke ,
U. S. A. , who was at that time , military
governor of Cuba. Col. Dudley was
serving on Major-General Brooke's
staff , and later served upon the staff of
Major-General Wood , U. S. volunteers.
He had charge of the civil legal work
in connection with the military govern
ment and re-construction of the affairs
of the island. . The attention of the
readers of THE CONSERVATIVE is also
called to the fact that the article is
dated at Havana , Cuba. At the time of
publication , it was understood that Col.
Dudley was stationed at that place , but
we are informed by him that the article
was written in St. Paul , Minn.
We are indebted to Col. Dudley for
these corrections and take pleasure in
making them.
