14 Conservative.
- * -
ALTBRYANGELDISM.
Tlioro are oviclcnccs that the coni-
pouiicl disease , Altbryaiigeldisni , has
run its course in this country. It was
an epidemic of political immorality.
The symptoms wore a quickened pulse ,
upward rolling eye , a vocal tremolo , a
loud voice and itching palm.
Where it Flourished.
The disease appeared in 1890 , and
many prominent public men caught it.
So threatening was it that the people
ordered a quarantine that year , which
confined it to part of the Southern
States and a few Northern States west
of the Missouri river. In other parts of
the Union it was prevalent in sporadic
form , and seemed to have become ende
mic in Nebraska and Missouri. As the
sufferers from hay fever have a national
organization and convention , so these
victims of Altbryangeldism had theirs.
It was a peculiarity of the disease that
its victims were spitefully inimical to
all who did not catch it. The Gold
Democracy in 1896 were immune , and
passed through the epidemic of that year
untouched. On the other hand , a large
number of Republicans were infected ,
and had the misery in an acute and
exaggerated form.
Peculiarities of the Disease.
A careful isolation of the microbe ,
which caused it , proved that it was first
introduced into this country by the
Populists. It incapacitated the patients
for distinguishing between a § 20 gold
.piece and a leather medal. They
chewed a rag and then offered it in payment -
; ment of debts. They denied the exis
tence of the law of gravity , and insisted
'that if it were not for a class they
"called "gold bugs , " things would fall
iip , - instead of down. The disease derived -
, rived its name from its two most proriri-
jnent victims , Mr. Altgeld and Mr.
"Bryan. It was very acute in each. It
affected Altgeld's sight , so that when
jhe looked at the constitution of the
* United States , it seemed like a blank
Apiece of paper. "When , there was a
'conflict between the law audits violator ,
* he had a strabismotio trouble , which , to
his vision , made the law criminal and
{ the criminal innocent. Unfortunately ,
; in the height of the attack he was gov-
'ernor of Illinois , and when visiting the
penitentiary , would marvel that certain
' .desperate characters , murderers and
lanarchists , were there , and would par-
doii thorn. When several of these vic-
itims of his diseased clemency imme-
jdiately committed other murders and
| lesser crimes , lie believed that these
\crimes were actually committed by a
fgreat criminal , seen in his imagination ,
and cailed by him "society. " There
upon , he sought to destroy society. The
disease caused him" to believe that crime
existed , only , because the law defined
aud'punished it-and , therefore , "crime
IH
could be abolished by the simple pro
cess of striking down the law.
He aroused the fear'of his neighbors ,
and the apprehension of the whole
country , and the people of ] his state
were compelled twice to isolate him.
But in him the disease seems to have
run its course , and thojfirst sign of his
convalescence was his active support of
the Republican candidate forjmayor of
Chicago.
Spreading the Disease.
In Mr. Bryan , the disease was equally
acute , with the same symptoms as Alt-
gold's , reinforced by others that were
probably duo to his enviroment. His
head swelled terribly. Ho was abnor
mally loquacious , and talked inces
santly. Among his hallucinations he
thought that ho was Thomas Jefferson ,
and again , that ho was Abraham Lin
coln. Ho was very restless , and traveled
all over the country , spreading the
disease , by shaking hands , as the itch
used to bo propagated , in that far-off
period , when it was called "the prairie
digs. "
Another peculiarity of the disease in
Mr. Bryan , was that it made him avari
cious. He raved without ceasing , and
the infection made other victims of the
trouble believe that he spoke as a
prophet , seer and revelator , and ho
made them pay for listening , and then
they went away , and pawed dust on
themselves and bellowed , like cattle.
Believing that he was like primitive
man , in the fable of Plato , combining
both genders in himself , he would be
seized with an active fit , in what lie be
lieved to be his female side , and would
insist upon talking to audiences com
posed of women only. This spread the
disease , to some extent , among their sex ,
in. which , it was attended by violent
hysteria , and an effort to wear trousers
and short hair.
It is feared that the trouble has per
manently affected Mr. Bryan , having
passed into the tertiary stage. In that
stage , ho is now found denying that
there is anybody in the world , but him
self. When his attention is called ,
sharply , to any other public man in tlio
country , ho immediately challenges him
to come forward , and show proofs of his
existence.
His neighbors maintained such a
rigid quarantine against him in 1896 and
1900 , that the disease has disappeared
from Nebraska. It is believed and in
deed hoped in Lincoln , that Mr. Bryan
may remain , to become a permanent
asset of the town , that ho may attract
political pathologists , who desire to
make a study of morbid morality. By
adding a few pickle jars of morbid
anatomy , double-headed rats , and five-
legged calves , tumors , and another jaw
bone of an ass , to Mr. Bryan , it is be
lieved that the capital of Nebraska may
have a museum of abnormal products ,
that will draw visitors. San Francisco
Call , April 12.
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