The Conservative *
MR. DOOT.12Y ON TII13 DEMOCRATIC
CONVENTION.
"Is Rairerty at Kaus' Oity ? " asked
Mr. Henncssoy.
"Hois that , " said Mr. Dooley , "an'
'tis on th' square with him now. Ho
loves it. Ho says there's all th' differ
ence in th' war-ruld between a dimuiy-
crat an' a republican convention. Down
at Phillydolphy , 'twas Mark Hanna says
this an1 Mark Hauua says that , an' no
wan batted an' eye without a tip fr'in
th1 stngo. Whin a dillygate had a reso
lution to offer , ho dhrowped it in a little
box , pulled a rope an" shot it down to
th' cashier's desk. But at Kaus' Oity ,
anny man that has a resolution to offer ,
gets on the platform an' reads it or sings
it or whistles it , as th' case may be.
They'so no chains or collars on thim
boys. Nary wan.
' Th' couviution , " Rafferty says , "was
opened with a prayer that made a
great hit , th' dillygatos thiukiu' 'twas
Bryan that was mintioued in it. Th'
chairman thin called f'r ' th' readin' of
th' Declaration of Indipindonc , wan of
the first things iver wrote by William J.
Bryan. 'Twas well liked by th' audi
ence , a dillygate fr'm Oilahoma beiii' so
took with it that ho dhrew his forty-four
and tried to shoot wan iv th' thrust de-
stroyin' brothers Bolmout. 4Wo will
next , ' said th' chairman , 'hear that
beautiful an' tonchiu' ballad , The Star
Spangled Banner , wur rnds an' music
be William J. Bryan , sung by a lovely
an' accomplished vocalist or siugiu'
lady fr'ni Kaus'Oity , Kaus. , ' he says.
The audjeenco is requested f'r to jino in
th' choras , keepin' time with their boots
on th' flnro , ' ho says. 'Now , boys , ' he
says , 'let her go , ' ho says.
"Afther th' song was fauug , they was
loud an' repeated cries iv 'Hill' , fr'm
th' audjeence. 'Where's that grand
man that has just come back fr'm an'
interview with our noble leader ? ' they
says. 'Chased , ' says they , 'be our noble
leader's day , ' they says. 'Fetch out
Hill , ' says they. 'We'd like to throw
something at him ' . 'Th'
, says they. gin-
tleinau fr'm New York , ' says the chair
man , 'wud gladly respond to those
hoarse cries , ' he says , 'but I am sorry , '
ho says , 'to inform th' convintion , ' he
says , 'that as a thrae dimmycrat he can
only speak thru our other gallant and
handsome loader , Mishter Oroker , ' he
says. 'Will Misther Oroker rise fr'm
Misther Hill's head an" lave him speak , '
he says. 'He will not , ' says Oroker.
'Thin , ' says th' chairman , 'th' convin
tion will come to ordher w'ile th' eager
sons iv free coinage fr'm Waco , Tex. ,
give us their statuary clog dance enti
tled , William J. Bryan Defy in' the
Standard He Company to do its Worst. "
This spirited act was accomplished , Hin-
nessy , with fine effect. Professor Gazoo
iv Jopliu , followed with his cillybrated
anti-expansion performance on a thrap-
eze , an' a man fr'm the Panhandle
played a solo called 'Down with Corpo
rate Greed or Repeal the Currency Act
iv 185)0 ) , or th' Naytioual Bauks'll Own
this Couuthry an' 'Twill Become Impos
sible for Anny Wan to earn a Livin'
except Bo Wurrkin'an' as a Prelimi
nary to this Repeal th1 Government
Shud Cancel All Noteo Now Out
standing ou a slide trombone. This
ballad , which was wrote be William J.
Bryan , brought tears to th' ' eyes iv
many. Th' Kansas dillygatiou said ,
'Twas botther th' 'Star Spangled Ban
ner. ' Ho moved it bo substituted f'r
Mr. Bryan's earlier effort. Th' motion
prevailed.
"Th' chairman thin announced that
th' comity on rislutions wud rayceve
planks f'r th' platform in the vacant lot
ajiuiu' th' hull. 'All planks , ' ho says ,
'must be accompanied be music suitable
f'r th' piano or accorjeen , ' ha says. 'We
will now , ' he says , 'spiud an hour or two
danciu' 'round th' hall , ' ho says , 'an' at
th' conclusion of these deliberations , '
ho says , 'we will nominate f'r th' high
office iv prisideut iv th' United States ,
th' Hon. William Jennings Bryan iv
Nebraska , ' he says. "
CRUCIAL , AND CRUCIFYING.
The crucial and crucifying fact is that
Mr. Bryan took the wind out of Mr.
Bryan's paramount issue of this contest
many dayd before he declared it. This
was done when he appeared on the floor
of the senate in person and coerced his
enslaved following of seventeen senators
in that body to vote to ratify the treaty
of peace with Spain , who at that time
were resolved to vote against it. Senator
Hoar declares from his own personal
knowledge that before Mr. Bryan came
to its support in the senate the treaty
was beaten with several votes to spare.
And this is the record and responsibility
of the peerless performer in rhetorical
statesmanship , who is now shouting his
anathemas upon conditions which no one
man in the country , except a weak-
backed president of the United States ,
did more than ho to bring about.
TRICKS AND TROPKS.
Tricks and tropes of speech constitute
the whole argument of Mr. Bryan's
eruption at Indianapolis. Nothing , pro
pounded by him on the issue which he
tries so hard to make controlling in the
campaign , shows that he has any remedy
for the conditions in the Philippines ,
which the president of the United States
is not now using. The rhetorical up
heaval of borrowed shrieks for "liberty"
contains little more than words and
wind , tricks and tropes. His defense of
his own work in securing the ratifica
tion of the treaty of Paris , which im
posed upon the government of the
United States the obligations to pur
chase the islands and a second-hand war ,
which his friend Senator Money fore
warned him in advance would certainly
produce it , is as thin as gauze and as
weak as dishwater. Senator Hoar has
'
disposed of it by an exposure of the false
pretenses \iuder which Bryan wriggles
like an eel to escape from his record and
responsibility.
PARAMOUNT ISSUKS.
"It seoniH n shame , the walrus said ,
To play them such a trick ,
After we've brought them out so far ,
And made them trot HO quick. "
The carpenter said nothing but
"This butter's spread too thick. "
These words are found recorded in
the writings of the late Professor Dodg-
sou , of Cambridge. Students of those
deep matters will recall that certain
oysters placed themselves in the hands
of a walrus and a carpenter , the object
of the enterprise being distinctly stated
to bo to talk ofhips ( and shoes and
sealing wax and cabbages and kings.
Even to the end , it will be observed , the
carpenter maintained that ho was only
thinking of the thickness of buttor. In
cidentally , the oysters were all eaten ,
but they had the comfort of knowing
that that was not the paramount issue.
COM.
T1 ° "
EXPOSURKS. ! roc/"fc
probmgs of the
administration of Gov. Poyuter as testate
state schools and other things are ex
haling very sickening odors. The next
really tumid and ulcerated section of the
administration may be found , possibly ,
in the vicinity of the expense accounts
which hinge upon the junketing trips of
the trust-crushing Smyth of the at
torney-general's office ?
How much for traveling and other ex
penses to drive the Standard Oil com
pany and its cheap and superior oils out
of Nebraska ?
How much to kill off the ice trust in
Omaha ? How much to begin actions
against various alleged trusts in Ne
braska ? How much for threatening to
close up the starch works and cereal
mills at Nebraska City ?
Why has the silver smelter combine
been omitted fi om the catalogue of the
intended victims of the octopus de
vouring Smyth.
Colonel Bryan *
an experienced
military as well as phenomenal civil
officer. His tremendous personal sacri
fices in behalf of organizing the Third
Nebraska regiment of which , after great
diffidence and reluctance , he was per
suaded to accept the colonelcy , are not
forgotten by the color blind.
Colonel Bryan knows how to manage
military affairs. Hence he proposes to
extend a protectorate over the Filipinos ,
and then to abolish a standing army.
That is to say : "I will give the Filipinos
independent self-government. And I
will protect them therein. "
How ; having abolished the army ?
"Personally , I am a warrior ; a great
captain. "
Daniel Webster , too full of brandy ,
offered to pay off the national debt.
Bryan is like Webster , only the former
gets drunk on vanity and has the
delirium tremeus of egoism.
IPH
