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12 t3bc Conservative *
IN MEMORY OF AN OLD FRIEND.
WHO WAS HE ?
Long , long ago , in bygone days ,
O'or which old Time has thrown his haze ,
When witches wrought with mystic spell ,
And strangest deeds so oft befell ,
There lived a man of simple aim ;
Our grundsires oft repeat his fame.
Just where he dwelt none ever knew ,
It must have been where pickles grow ;
lie surely found a pleasing toil
Where plants arose from magic soil.
Perhaps 'twas ho whose wife lived well
Shut up within a pumpkin shell.
His name is one that brings to mind
The tales that oft in books we find
Of those who wan-.lored o'er the earth
With notes of joy for hearts of mirth :
It tells of music's wild refrain ,
O'er hills of heather rings the strain.
Tliis man , we're told in plainest fact ,
Was famous for a single act
A wondrous act ! withal so queer
That modern folk mint ever fear
Tin's record old can not be true ,
So strange a thing did this man do.
And if ho did it , where , O , where
Did some things go that then were there ?
O , could it bo he tried to dine
On spice that grow and thrived in brine ?
Or did he make his life a wreck
By eating all at once a peck ?
If this ho did , there is no doubt
Ho was the smartest man about ;
But O , how sad that in his greed
He left the world not one small seed ;
And all mankind must ever wine
For pickles growing on a vine !
Perhaps , O mournful thought ! Alas !
It might , perchance , havecomo to pass ,
As o'er his task he worked with zest ,
Tremendous .sneezes , unrepressed ,
Swept o'er his frame in frightful fits
And shook him till lie fell to bits.
Whate'er his end , he's long since dead ;
The seasons linger o'er his head ;
His resting place can ne'er be known ,
No mark has it of mossy stone ,
But round the spot a pungent breeze
Blows softly through a hedge of Pps.
MAHY FHENCII MOIITO.V.
THK PYKAMII ) CKAXKS.
( Dr. John Fiske in March Atlantic. )
Accordiug to them , the builders of the
Great Pyramid were supematurally instructed -
structed , probably by Melchizeclek , king
of Salem , says Dr. Piske. Thus they
were enabled to place it in latitude 80c
N. ; to make its four sides face the car
dinal points ; to adopt the sacred cubit ,
or one twenty-millionth part of the
earth's polar axis , as their unit of
length ; "and to make the side of the
square base equal to just so many of
these sacred cubits as there are days and
parts of a day in a year. They were
further by supernatural help enabled to
square the circle , and symbolized their
victory over this problem by making the
pyramid's height bear to the perimeter
of the base the ratio which the radius of
a circle bears to the circumference. "
In like manner , by immediate divine
revelation the builders of the pyramid
were instructed as to the exact shape
and density of the earth , the sun's dis
tance , the precession of the equinoxes ,
etc. , so that their figures on all these
subjects Jwero more accurate than any
that modern science has obtained , and
these figures they built into the pyra
mid. They also built into it the divinely
revealed and everlasting standards of
"length , area , capacity , weight , density ,
hfat , time mid money , " and finally they
wrought into its structure the precise
date at which the millennium is to
begin. All this valuable information ,
handed down directly from Heaven ,
was\hus { securely bottled up in the
Greap Pyramid for six thousand years
or so , awaiting the auspicious day when
Mr. Fiazzi Smyth should come and
draw the cork. Why so much knowl
edge should have been bestowed upon
the architects of King Cheeps , only to
bo concealed from posterity , is a perti
nent question ; and ono may also ask ,
why , when it had so long lain hidden
and useless , was it worth while to bring
a Piazzi Smyth into the world to reveal
it , since plodding human reason had
after all discovered every bit of it , ex
cept the date of the millennium ? Why ,
moreover , did the revelation thus elab
orately buried in or about B. O. 4,000
como just abreast of the scientific
knowledge of A. D. 1864 , and there stop
short ? Is it credible that old Molchize-
dok knew nothing about the telephone ,
or the Rontgen ray , or the cholera
bacillus ? Our pyramidalists should be
more enterprising , and elicit from their
venerable fetish some useful hints as to
wireless telegraphy , or the ventilation
of Pullman cars , or the purification of
Pennsylvania politics. Perhaps the last-
named problem might vie in difficulty
with squaring the circle !
FABL.KS . FllOai 1JIKKCE.
The Aldcrmiiu and the Itaccoon.
"I see quite a number of rings on
your tail , " said an Alderman to a Rac
coon that he met in a zoological garden.
"Yes , " replied the Raccoon "and I
hear quite a number of tales on your
ring. "
The Alderman being of a sensitive ,
retiring disposition , shrank from further
comparison and , strolling to another
part of the garden , stole the camel.
The Member mid the Soup.
A member of the Kansas legislature
meeting a Cake of Soap was passing it
by without recognition , but the Cake of
Soap insisted on stopping and shaking
hands. Thinking it might possibly be
in the employment of the elective fran
chise he gave it a cordial and earnest
grasp. OIL letting it go ho observed
that a portion of it adhered to his fin
gers , and running to a brook in great
alarm he proceeded to wash it off. In
doing so he necessarily got some on the
other hand , and when ho had finished
washing , both hands wore so white that
ho wont to bed and sent for a physician.
NEWSPAPER WAIFS.
The mercury has gone up consider
ably in our estimation. Yonkers States
man.
"What is original sin ? " "Inventing
a new diversion for Lent that will pass
as a charity. " Brooklyn Life.
Levy "I vill giff Moses credid for
vun t'ing he's schinart ! " Cohenstein
"Oh ! I vill give Moses credid for
efferyl'lng lmt goots 1" Puck.
It has been said that speech was given
man to conceal his thoughts. This is
not the true answer. Speech was given
to man to prevent other people from
talking. Boston Transcript.
"That's a wise saying 'Let me make
the songs of a nation and I care not who
makes its laws ! ' " "Yes , one can evade
the laws , but one can't get away from
the songs. " Chicago Record.
' What ! A man with a nose the
color of yours expects mo to believe that
he has lived on water for three mouths ? "
said the lady at the door. "Yes'ni , "
said the tramp ; "you see , I'm a sailor ,
just Obhoro. " Youkers Statesman.
"Do you buy condensed milk , mad
am ? " "I presume that we must , but I
never thought of it before. I always
order two quarts and pay for two quarts ,
but it never measures more than three
pints. " Detroit Free Press.
Jinks "That man does not look very
smart , and yet you say he has made a
million. " Winks "Smart ? He's a
genius. He's a great inventor. " "You
don't say so ! What did he invent ? "
"Ho invented an apple barrel that holds
sciircely any thing. " New York Weekly.
"Do you think it desirable to keep
warships at the Philippines ? " asked the
German emperor's confidential adviser.
"Yes , " was the answer , with great em
phasis. "Well , I suggest , then , that we
proceed with caution , because if we're
not careful this man Dewey may lose
patience and take them away from us. "
Washington Star.
Foreman. "We're in a deuce of a fix.
It's time to go to press , and we've got
only half enough paper in the shop to
print this issue on. It'll take three
days to get any more. " Country edi
tor "Great scissors ! It'll give that
contemporary of ours such a boom that
he'll get out a colored supplement.
Cut the paper half size so there will bo
enough to go around , and we'll an
nounce that this is our anti-expansion
edition. Leave out everything but the
ads. " Puck.
It is said that caged birds are very
liable to tuberculosis , and that they can
easily communicate it to human beings.
Canary birds ore held to be responsible
for a good many cases of consumption.