A
T-y-r
Y
CLASS PROPHECY.
(Fred K Babcock.)
(Chairman)
Ladies and gentlemen, the meeting
will come to order. We are assembled
here this evening to celebrate the
thirtieth anniversary of our gradua
tion from the Columbus High School.
The members of the class of 1911 are
here tonight to revive old friendships,
to lecall old school days, and to relate
to each other what has happened to
tis since we parted thirty years ago.
I, as cnairman of this meeting, will
call upon each one to tell all he or
she knows. It will not take long for
most of j-ou to tell it.
Jr. Whaley jou seem to be desir
ous of speech, and I will call on you
first. Ladies and gentlemen, Howard
Whaley, formerly known as "Jap."
(Howard Whaley)
Former fellow classmates, ladies
:i!Ml gentlemen: I don't know as I
have much to say, except that I am
now a Methodist minister, and am the
husband or yon lady in pink, Mrs. Mar-cuerit.-
Weaver Whaley. My better
half will do the talking for me at
present, as she has always done in the
past.
(Chairman)
Marguerite Weaver Whaler, you
are called upon to do the speaking for
your worse, worsen, and weinerwurst
half.
(Marguerite Weaver)
Well. I jst tilink k.s mean Qf you
to pan him my worser half, for he is
really such a dear. Uc's the jov of
my life, and they do tell me he is
soon to be appointed Bishop of Bor
neo. I thank jou for your kind atten
tion. (Chairman)
I wish it distinctly understood that
ho applause is permitted from the au
dience. we AvilI IIOW hi,ar from Amv
Carver.
(Amy Carver)
When I graduated from high school
I took up teaching out west. Becom
ing interested in woman's suffrage. I
soon began to lecture on that subject.
I now have the reputation of being
the worst fire-eating, hair-tearing, rag
ing suffragette in the country. My
first experience i that line came in
our senior class play, in which, as you
may remember. I played the part of
the maid with a taste for literature.
(Chairman)
I -spy Mildred Thompson. She will
now burden us with a recital of her
thrilling experiences since leaving
High School.
(Mildred Thompson)
You are now looking upon the su
perintendent of the Thompson school
for boys. I staited tnis school myself,
and. needless to say, it has been a
great success. The work I love best
is preparing terrible examinations for
the dear boys.
(Chairman)
And now comes Hoy Hall.
(Hoy Hall)
Well. I have come to the conclusion
that the gold seen in the sunset is the
leflection of a hidden treasure, and
am soon to start off in my airship to
prove this theory.
(Chairman)
Lizzie Matzen will now address us.
(Lizzie Matzen)
My husband and I are at the head
of the dead letter office in Washing
ton. Many of our classmates still
carry on a correspondence, but they
are now so widely separated and they
change their names and address so
often that much of this correspond
ence finds its way to our otlice, where
it is joyfully perused by myself.
(Chairman)
Report says that Emma Hoffman is
principal of our dear old C. H. S. Is
that so. Emma?
(Emma Hoffman)
Yes. and I'm getting along fine. too.
Only serious trouble has happened and
that was when the editor of a local
paper attacked me in a sensational
article. One day I shook a big coun
try kid. and that editor wrote about
it in such a way as to make every
body mad. and some thought so much
more of me that I got seven proposals
of marriage. Now what do you think
of that?
(Chairman)
Celeste Cochran will please speak
to us at this time.
(Celeste Cochran)
Patagonia is my home at present.
There I thrive on lemons and cream,
and, incidentally, conduct a prosper
ous cat farm.
(Chairman)
I see that Philip Rodney Hocken
berger, the poet of the Duncan Punk
in. of which I am editor, is present.
He will now give us a free sample of
his work.
(Philip Hockenberger)
A poet am I.
As well you may know;
I write of the flowers
And the things that grow.
I write of the spring
And swift-running brooks.
And soft-rustling leaves
And girls with good looks.
(Chairman)
Vivian Jenkinson. it is your turn.
(Vivian Jenkinson)
My life-work is in lecturing on the
Chautauqua platform. Besides speak
ing on the platform. I speak on three
subjects. They are. "How to Make
Children Mind." "The Uselessness of
a Three Years' Study of English in
High School." and "Why Women
Should Marry." I am now open for
engagement, both for lectures and
marriage.
(Chairman)
Martha Bucher. if you can talk as
you used to in school, you will please
entertain us for an hour or so.
(Martha Bucher)
After having been a book agent for
many years. I have now taken up the
strenuous duties in a home of my own.
My husband was lately appointed pri
vate secretary to the Sultan of Tur
key, so I will soon be free to wear the
harem skirt to my heart's content.
(Chairman)
Anna Brandes. I presume that you.
also, have a home of your own?
(Anna Brandes)
No. I am the champion lady athlete
of the world. If anybody doubts it.
let him come forth! My principal
stunt is in picking up full-grown men
in one hand and throwing them bodily
out the window of my office in the
twenty-fourth story of the Brandeis
building. My remarkable strength is
due to the use of Grape-Nuts. Postum,
and Dr. L. B. Cassin's Beauty Pills.
(Chairman)
Gents and ladies, allow me to intro
duce to you the old Virgil shark. Mer
lin Phillips.
(Merlin Phillips)
If any of you should happen along
Wall street some day. you must stop
in and see me in the building inscribed
with the legend. "New York National
Bank; Capital, eleventy billion dol
lars; M. Chauncey Phillips. Presi
dent." (Chairman)
Olive Mahood, we will hear from
you.
(Olive Mahood)
Down in the South Sea islands, sur
rounded by palm trees and half-baked
natives. I now reside in a bamboo
bungalow and spend my time inducing
the little cannibals to become vege
tarians. (Chairman)
Allene McCully. what are you up to
by this time?
(Allene McCully)
After having decided not to come to
night, I remembered that a box of
chocolates might be waiting for me.
so I came. Besides, can't a woman
change her mind if she likes? I am
now a great violinist, and am very
fond of the game or golf, and also of
Hockey.
(Chairman)
Neva Munger. you're next.
(Neva Munger)
President of tho Oconee Phono
graph company is my present position.
This is the largest concern of its
kind in this country, and the fact that
I became its President is due to my
wonderful powers or speech.
(Chairman)
We will now listen to Ernestine
Rohde.
(Ernestine Rohde)
At the present time I am writing
five-cent dime novels. Some of my
latest are, "Why One Should Love His
Mother-in-Law," and "Blushes May
Come and Blushes May Go; But
Freckles Stay on Forever."
(Chairman)
Effie Drawbaugh, let us hear from
you.
(Effie Drawbaugh)
I am the matron of the Old Sol
diers' Home, of which my husband is
one of the inmates. My chief delight
is in making slippers and comforters
for the old soldiers.
(Chairman)
What has Earl Westbrook to tell
cerning the past, present and future?
(Earl Westbrook)
The first realization that I could act
came in our Senior class play, and I
have been an actor ever since. I im
personate Lady Macbeth and Topsy
for the moving picture shows. If you
would like a sample of my work. I
would be pleased to favor you. Now.
most people would say. "Under the
spreading chestnut tree." but I would
say it thus. "Under (pointing below)
the spreading (spreading hands) chest
(tapping chest) nut (tapping head)
tree (making form of tree.)
(Chairman)
Mary Fairchild. you have been wait
ing all evening to talk. Now nere's
your chance.
(Mary Fairchild)
Conducting a matrimonial bureau
has been very profitable for me, but 1
spend my days in agony becaus-? my
husdand did not take a course m Do
mestic Science in the Columbus High
School.
(Chairman)
Ralph Gossard. what do you know
about war?
(Ralph Gossard)
The husband of the president of the
United States now stands before you.
I am also manager of the president:
I am the husband of the Hon. Kate
Reed.
(Chairman)
We would all be delighted to hear
from our beloved President, Hon. Kate
Reed Gossard.
(Kate Reed)
Guiding our ship of state isn't what
it's cracked up to be, and I often wish
for a change. A little cottage on the
banks of Lost Creek, a few trees and
a nice little garden, and my Ralph
that would be my heart's desire.
(Chairman)
Vera Freeman, what on earth Is
troubling you?
(Vera Freeman)
Alas, it has been just one month
since I laid him away beneath the
evergreens. Oh. how can I ever live
without him? How can I stand it to
spend the rest of my days without his
companionship? He was such a help
to me. and now he's gone gone
never to return!
(Chairman)
How sad! Her husband must be
dead. Oh. Vera, you can never real
ize how much we sympathize with you
in the loss of your husband.
(Vera Freeman)
My husband! Well. I should say
not! Oh. how much better would it
have been, had it been my husband!
No. it was not my husband, but my
darling little tootsey-wootsey poodle
dog! Boo! Hoo!
(Chairman)
Owing to this sudden calamity, 1
think it would be best to suspend op
erations until a more auspicious time.
The meeting is now adjourned.
Middle Aged and Elderly People,
Use Foley Kidney Pills for quick and
permanent results in all cases of kid
ney and bladder troubles, and for
painful and annoying irregularities.
For sale by all druggists.
Telephone Talks
No. 6
THE WRONG NUMBER
You didn't look in the Directory before you called a
number-the wrong bell was rung aud an innocent sub
scriber was disturbed. You said. "Central gave me the
wrong- number".
Of course, she did. You called the wrong number
whv shouldn't you get it"?
Another time you thoughtlessly called a wrong number.
The next moment you remembered that it was not the one
you wanted. You quickly signaled -Central" and asked
for the right number.
Meahwhile, the party of the number you first called
answered when his bell rang. He got no reply. He angri
ly exclaimed, "My bell rang". He did not know you
called him and then decided you wanted another number
after -'Central" had rung his line.
The Telephone Company received the blame for your
relessness.
Nebraska Telephone Co.
C. L MARTZ, Manager
Last Wednesday evening was a big
night in the history of the Columbus
fire department, the occasion being the
first smoker given by the honorary
members for the active firemen.. The
question of having a department
smoker had been agitated for a long
time, but it was not until this spring
that the matter took definite form,
and at the smoker given by the Pio
neer hook and ladder company last
April, a committee was appointed to
solicit funds from among the honor
ary members to properly entertain the
fire fighters of today. Refreshments
and cigars were served during the
evening, and a number of short talks
were made by the firemen, past and
present, In response to calls made by
Mayor Held, who acted as toastmas
ter, and who served his time in Hose
Company No. 2. As a result of the
meeting of the entire department, it
is thought by many that the company
smokers and dances may become rel
ics of the past, and that the entire de
partment may come to work together
and have one great ball and one
bumper smoker each year. This will
bring a goodly amount of money into
the treasury, which will be available
for entertainments as well as for
meeting the current expenses of the
department.
Your Neighbor's Experience.
How you may profit by it. Take Fo
ley Kidney Pills. Mrs. E. G. Whiting,
360 Willow street, Akron, Ohio, says:
'Tor some time I had a very serious
case of kidney trouble and I suffered
with backache and dizzy headaches. I
had specks floating before my eyes
and I felt all tired out and miserable.
I saw Foley Kidney Pills advertised
and got a bottle and took them ac
cording to directions and results
showed almost at once. The pain and
dizzy headaches left me, my eye-sight
became clear and today I can say I
am a well w oman, thanks to Foley Kid
ney Fills." For sale by all druggists.
KANSAS LANDS
A few years ago we heard of "Bleeding Kansas,5
now they speak of her as FEEDING KANSAS, "F
ing" because more of the world' foodstuffs are being
duced in Kansas than any other state in the Union.
Think that isn't true? Uncle Sam's re
cently published statistics show Kansas to be
FIRST in wheat production, that is, Kansas
produces more wheat than any other state in
the Union. The same reports show the value
of her corn to exceed the value of the wheat
during the past ten years, by more than $81,-000,000.00
Kansas As a Billionaire
During the last twenty years, Kansas has
raised 6,069,125,240 bushels of corn. Six
recent corn crops in the state of Kansas
have aggregated 414,244,916 bushels. Of
course with all that corn, she must have raised
a few hogs and cattle and fattened them.
Uncle Sam is no respecter of persons, nor
of localities, so what he says "Goes' viz: that
the worth of hogs per "capiter' in Kansas is
more than in Missouri, 56 more than in Ken
tucky, 97 more than in Arkansas, and 148
more than in Florida.
Beef and Dairy products rank very high.
In alfalfa, she ranks SUPREME, having no
competitor.
We are going to tell you about this great state, and
we are going to offer you some of the exceptionally fine
land out there at from $1 2.50 to $35.06 per acre. Come
and have a talk with us.
Karr &
N
ewlon
504 West Thirteenth Street
COLUMBUS,
NEBRASKA
immI M