The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, May 17, 1911, Image 3
i-vr-y , , t. ohn Henrv MAKES A SPEECH By GEORGE The days i oiled by and Uuraldene watched with Increasing interest the straggle for supremacy between Mr. Peter Grant and Mr. William Gray. From the moment the glad tidings spread around that they were out to make monkeys of each other it seem ed that every voter in the community quit work and gum-shoed after the two Candidates. Everybody knew that money would flow like water, and everybody was for putting bulkhead compartments in the clothes. As for me! Well, Uncle Peter handed me a. fat slob of a checkbook and told me to cut loose, and I be came so popular in all the booze ba zaars that I had to wear ice in the derby to keep the noddle from spread ing. I was his campaign manager, and Hunch Jefferson held the same pest for Hill Gray. I worked eighteen hours a day every day and I slept with one lamp lit. I began to notice that the Gray fac tion was making a big play for the women. They seemed to think that If they got the wives and mothers on their side it would be all off with the Grant prospects. Hunch Jefferson had handbills and three-sheets all over town with cracks like these in big black type: GOD BLESS OUR HOME WHICH KNOWS NO PETER GRANT! WHAT IS HOME WITHOUT A MOTHER7 ASK PETER GRANT, THE POLITICAL PIRATE. WHEN WAS PETER GRANT BORN? AND WHY? "The opposition is out to jolly the women along." I explained to Uncle Peter, "because they think Mama will influence Papa's political opinions. They are throwing the taffy at Mother and getting her woozy with the happy conversation in the hope that she'll crowd Papa up in the corner and take his vote away from him. It's up to us to say a few pleasant words about Father, for, after all. it's Dad that does the heavy thinking on election day and bites deep into the lead-pencil ji gWVX, Who Buys the Chicken before putting his mark on the wrong side of the ticket. Let's pass the candy to Papa and put a crimp in the oppo sition's plan of campaign." "But how?" inquired Uncle Peter. Tvo cooked up a speech for you," I answered, "and it's the goods. What's more, I've fixed It so that there'll be an audience here in half an hour to hear It." "Great Scott. John!" exclaimed Uncle Peter. "I can't make an im portant sieech on a half-hour's no tice." "To the bench for yours." I said. "I'm going to talk for you." "You you are ou," he splut tered. "Sure I am." I came back; "and why not? I'll tell 'cm you have a mild attack of tonsilitis and that I have un dertaken to read your speech." "But perhaps I may not approve of all the sentiments therein." he in sisted. "Approve nothing." I said; "I'm poing to make this speech and put you on Pleasant Avenue with the push. They'll think you wrote it and you'll be the hit of the show. Now be good and go ?arg!e your sore throat." Uncle Peter walked off shaking his head doubtfully, and I prepared lor the audience, which had already ke gun to ;trag!o across the hnn. In half an hour there was a large gathering ot men. women and children earned on our premises, and prompt ly to the minute I mounted the ros trum. Uncle Peter, w ith a bandanna hand kerchief around his neck, sat near me and put his hand on his forohead from time to time to indicate that he Lad throat trouble. "Ladies and gentlemen," I began, "I thank you for this goodly attend ance, and beg to inform you, with sin cere regret, that our Candidate has a severe attack of tonsihtis and cannot talk!" (Cheers and cnes of "Good! Good!") "With your kind indulgence I shall therefore read his speech, which, be lieve me. is an oratorical effort such as Demosthenes might be proud of and which Socrates would gladly call his own!" (Loud cheers, during which Uncle Peter n:i"ed end took a bow.) ""Ladies and gentlemen: It was V. HOBART mutually agreed upon by both parties that this was to be a campaign free from personalities and mud-slinging, hut long before the gong sounded old Sourface Pill Gray lost his temper and said things about us which burn ed his throat as they came out!" (Cries of "Kill him! kill him!" which caused Uncle Peter to hastily move his chair back.) "We don't believe in personalities or mud-slinging, ladies and gentlemen, but we will give $5,000 to a charity if old Bill Gray's heart hasn't a com plexion like a coal-heaver!" (Loud applause.) "If. after examination, it Is found that his heart hasn't a complexion like a coal-heaver, then he loses. Dare he accept this challenge?" (Loud cries of "Ask me!") "We have noticed, ladles and gen tlemen, that the opiosition is keen to shower compliments on the women, to the utter exclusion of the men. No man may say with impunity that Peter Grant Is not chivalry itself in the presence of the fair sex, but is It jus tice to the men to lock them up in the ice-house?" (Loud cries of "No! no!" "Let us cut!") "Why does the opposition heap compliments on Mama to the exclu sion of Papa? Is this true politics? Is this the vaunted freedom for which our fathers fought and bled their country? A miscreant, a marauder, is now, in the form of old BUI Gray. leering nt the ladies and seeking with sickly smiles to secure their sym pathy!" (Loud applause from the children. who thought I wa3 beginning a fairy tale.) "Why does the opposition continu ally iterate and reiterate the question. 'What is home without a Mother?" They have made this the one great political issue of the day. Has the opposition ever stopped to ask, 'What is home without a Papa?' Never, to the everlasting shame of the opposi tion, never!" (Tremendous excitement and loud cheers.) "We are determined to have justice in this campaign, and no matter upon whose shoulders the blow may fall for Sunday Dinner?" we ask 'What the matter with Dad?' " (Loud cries of "He's all light! You bet!") "The opposition is pleased to pre face ail its literature in this campaign with these words. 'God bless Home and Mother!' Now. in simple justice to the founders of this great cradle cf treedom. we say to the opposition, how dare you kick Father off the front steps? Why isn't Dad's name mentioned on the bill of fare?" (Cries of "Lynch him! Lynch him!" whereupon Uncle Peter turned pale and pointed at his sore throat.) "Who is it. I ask you, ladies and gentlemen, who is it that rises at early dawn, lights the fire, cooks a hard boiled ess and is out kicking the dew off the grass while Mother is still chasing a new dress through the val ley of Dreamland? Dad! "Who is it that has to buy a six dollar overcoat and then has to chase out to the barn in the storm and let th rain melt the overcoat? Dad! "Who is it that gathers in $1S of a pay day and has to hand out S22 of it before sunset? Dad! "Who U it that has to meet the grocer and the butcher and the taker and the rent collector and wear out his voice trying to stand them off? Dad! "Who buys the chicken for the Sun day dinner, curves it himself and then draws the neck from the discard after every one elso is served? Dad! "Who meets an old friend he hasn't seen for years, hoists in a few dippers of suds, moseys heme with a good-natured souse only to find that Ma makes him sleep on the ironing-board in the dining-room? Dad! "Ladles and gentlemen, we believe 'What is home without a Mother' as a campaign issue is untenable, and we insist that 'What is home without a Father?' is the one burning question of the hour a question which has re mained unanswered, unhonored and unsung too long in this campaign!" ( Loud and continued cheering, many cf the ladies being in tears.) j "So, ladies and gentlemen, here's to j Dad! the silent hero of the house hold! To Dad, the willing worker! , To Dad. the humblest hit of bric-a-, brae in the parlor! To Dad, who goes through life w ith the soft pedal on the voice! You may have many faults, dear old Dad. and you may play sec ond fiddle with the mute on. but we'll miss you when you're gone. To Dad, ladies and gentlemen, the ace in life's pack of cards!" The excitement was intense when 1 finished, and was sure that old Bill Gray had been set back about ten feet in the estimation of the populace There was nothing to IL While cheer after cheer arose Uncle Peter whispered hoarsely, 'John, you never said a word about my platform. I'll have to explain my position with regard to the lncreased-Cost-of-Living club!" When Uncle Peter rose to address the assemblage I noticed a stranger hurrying hither and thither through the crowd, whispering in the ears of the men. Then, just as cur Candidate bowed amiably, and began, "Ladies and gen tlemen." a mighty yell went up and instantly the assemblage broke, dashed for the gate and charged wild ly across lots in the direction of the dgg tfSI GRANT I1 Bunch Jefferson Had Three-Sheet Posters All Over Town. river, leaving as an audience for the startled Uncle Peter one woman and three babies. "Mr. Gray sent word that he has lapped eight kegs of beer in the ball grounds," the woman informed me, "but my children ain't got no thirst for It yet. They'd rather watch the old gent mako funny faces!" Uncle Peter collapsed and Aunt Martha fanned him vigorously, while Clara J. exclaimed spitefully, "That Bunch Jefferson is a perfect fiend." "How did you guess it?" I said, try ing hard not to smile. (Copyright by G. W. DIllinKliam Co.) HAVE NEW IDEAS IN EXAMS Professors Have Adopted the Oral Ex aminations in Preference to the Written. A number of profesors In the Eng lish department at ihe University of Pennsylvania have adopted the oral examination In preference to the writ ten. A large number of test questions are written upon cards. The student is required to pick three, five or ten questions, as the case may be, and an swer them. As soon as he has finished, says the Old Penn Weekly Review, he is told whether he has passed, which obvi ates weeks of waiting for the results of written examinations. The scheme is said to eliminate all possibility of dishonesty and compels a man to stand squarely upon his own ability. The honor system is in force in the Wharton school of finance and com merce. In this school also there has originated a system of co-cperatlon with the fraternities in keeping delin quent students up to their work. Each fraternity has r. beard of representa tives upon scholastic standing. In tho Wharton school quizzes are given to freshmen and sophomores every two weeks. The results are sent to tho fraternity representatives, who. upon finding a member of their so ciety deficient inhis work, appoint a man to coach the delinquent. The scheme has been so successful that some of the fraternities have taken It up in connection with other depart ments. One fraternity which lost two years ago a number of its members through failure in examinations was not obliged to drop one last June. This year the fraternities reported that their men were better prepared for examinations than ever before. Up to Doctor Eliot. The City Mothers' club met at the Hotel Astor the other day, says a New York letter, just after President Emer itus Eliot of Harvard had announced that every wife should welcome the siork at least eight times between the ages of twenty-seven and forty. The mothers looked not merely shocked, but sore. They did a little scientific panning cf Doctor Eliot between heats. "Isn't the club going to go on reiord with a reply to Doctor Eliot?' one of the principal members was asked. "Tho club have their own troubles, without bothering about what Doctor Eliot may think." The seeker for information was persistent. "Sure iy." said he. "a statement of that sort, by such a man as Doctor Eliot de serves some reply." The leading mem ber of the Mothers' club frowned again. "We will answer Doctor El'.ot." said she, "just as soon as Doctor Eliot becomes a mother." The Point of View. Poetic Lady Ah, Sir Charles, when you see your wife looking so beauti ful in her exquisite furs, don't you repeat to yourself those charming lines" Crusty Foxhunter (cutting in) What I repeat to myself Is "A hundred and fifty-seven pound ten and no sec ond horse!" Punch. A Serious Result. "Did that explorer suffer any phys ical ailment as a result of his trip to the arctic regions?" "Yes." "What was it?" "Writer's cramp." hrr RfMLnffSf Give the hen wide range. Tomatoes should be started early. Potatoes are a highly specialized crop. Cow3 should be kept comfortable at all times. Provide some succulent feed for ewes in winter. Weeds rob the soil of food elements required by other plants. Farm philosophers say this is go ing to be a very dry year. The milch cow needs a shelter from the summer storms and heat. A pig that is fed grain all his life usually fails to pay expenses. Potatoes require considerable nitro gen and a large amount ot potash. The pigs should have a clean, dry yard to exercise in during the day. A cheap and effective way of de horning calves is with potash caustic By judicious choice of varieties car rots may be enjoyed for a long sea son. A dally record of work done will cut out many of the wastes of the farm. The oat crop as a money maker on the farm is liable not to receive the attention It deserves. The soil on cultivated fields on hilly or rolling land will wash less if plowed well and extra deep. The gardener should try to grow the carrot quickly In order to secure ten der, sweet, uniform specimens. One of the chief reasons for butter becoming rancid at an early age is the fact that it is not washed thoroughly. One ton of average fresh manure contains ten pounds of nitrogen; one ton of clover hay. 40 pounds of nitro gen. Prune the trees in the early spring if possible, any month of the year if necessary, but be sure to prune the trees. Clover and grass seed may he sown, and a good stand secured, on oat ground during the last of April and the first of May. If the buttermilk is not washed out it will furnish abundant food for the bacteria, since they thrive on tho casein in the milk. With a quiet, steady team a half grown boy. with a sulky plow, can do as good work as a man with the o'.d fashioued walking plow. There Is no professional study that requires closer work than does the de velopment of the corn plant a com bination of brain toil and nature. Pigs in the pasture require some sort of crude shelter to protect them from the sun and keep them from blistering and scalding on hot days. Growing geese require large quan tities of grass, which they will obtain it allowed their range, and which will cut down the feed bill at least one half. The picking of live geese for the live geese feathers, so called. Is prac ticed less and less. It is a cruel prac tice, and ought to be entirely abol ished. . The amount of feed that the pigs should get cannot be definitely' ad vised. That must be determined by the feeder from the appetites of the assimilate food. It has been found that the seeds of i many weeds will retain their vitality for 13 to 25 years. ,iossibly longer. grows In any one year. The litter of chaff, etc.. which ac cumulates in the barn should be put in the henhouse. The hens will scratch it over and obtain seeds and pieces of clover that will do them lots of good. Hard enough to sit for three weeks, without having to be gnawed all tho time by insect pests. Look at your sitting hens once in a while and bo sure they are free "from enemies of this kind. The styles and sizes of poultry houses arc almost as numerous as the farms whereon they rest, and it Is a hard matter to satisfy any great number of people with any particular style of house. A potato fertilizer analyzing 3 per cent nitrogen, 6 per cent phosphoric acid and 10 per cent potash can be made from the following materials: 133 pounds nitrate soda. 600 pounds tankage. 200 pounds acid phosphate and 400 pounds sulphate potash. It Is best to apply half of this with the planter and the other, half broadcast just before the potatoes come through the ground. ll J Clover is rich in protein. Feed young turkeys bread crumb. Poultry is quite a large factor with many. The brooder must be kept free from droppings. The use of summer silos is growing more common. Beet molasses contains over 56 de grees of potash per ton. The sows and pigs should be put on pasture as soon as possible. The seed well treated will treat the farmer to a disease free crop. Some horses have learned to balk by being overloaded and abused. Potatoes will do their best on a well- manured, well-prepared clover sod There are over 170.000.000 of acres under wheat cultivation in tho world. Peas, beans and onions were first known in Egypt many centuries ago. The intelligent care of trees Is a great aid in our battle with the in sects. Let the patch of mangel-wurzels be included in the farm plan for this summer. Old grass and clover pastures are much benefited by a dressing of plas ter and ashes. One of the "unfailing" signs of an Ignorant or careless feeder is a bunch of scouring pigs. Weeds sometimes Injure by killing farm stock, or by rendering their product unsalable. The brood mare in foal should be handled by a firm, steady hand, not an excltable, rash hand. Better to put up new fence or mend the old than to spend the rest of the' summer chasing pigs. 4 With the high cost of feed, a little tankage added to the ration of hogs every day will pay big. When the cream runs off the spoon like oil and has a slight acid taste It Is. usually ripe for churning. It has been found that denatured sugar forms a valuable and economical addition to skim milk for calves. Some dairymen are finding it quite convenient to have the milking room! hold four cows only at one time. Stimulate the soil to a vigorous production by means of thorough cul tivation and liberal use of fertilizer. In deep setting, with plenty of Ice. the cream is all up in 12 hours In any of the good family creameries now In. use. The age of seed has much to do with the vitality or germinating power. Young, bright, shiny seeds are best. Hogs have often been tided over a season of shortage and kept In a thrifty, growing condition, for weeks on mangels alone. Youne ceese do not lay as many fer tile eggs or produce as many goslings i the first breeding season as they do in the second. Milk readily absorbs bad odore such as arise from onions, garlic- or decaying vegetables, henco don't set the milk pan near them. Grading of cream is receiving more attention by the dairy press and dairymen than it possibly ever has In the history of the dairy business. A good stand of clover cannot be had when sown on fail or spring grain where only a few hundred pounds or cheap fertilizer is drilled to the acre. The worst feature of cucumber cul ture is the Insect pests, but these may bo controlled by dusting with dry insecticides or even with bone dust. The same laws that have sent tho prices of beef and pork products al most out of reach of the workingraan will also hold the prices of poultry products. Where one has plenty of land, or land that is too hilly or rocky for regular field cultivation, the pasture affords the cheapest feed that can be grown on the farm. For market purposes a stock bird, large-breasted, firmly set on short legs, surmounted by large thighs, will prove valuable, especially if belonging to a family of egg producers. The great feeding value of alfalfa Is no doubt known to all and owing to Its high protein content it must be fed judiciously; it is also a laxative, and is good for any and all stock on the farm. In handling young trees the future shape of the tree must be kept in mind and at the same time sufficient wood must be left in the tree to furnish a sufficient leaf surface fcr a rapid growth of the tree. Charcoal for preventing acidity; shells or crushed limestone for shell making; grit for promoting digestion and litter for a dry scratching shed are prime esentials in promoting poultry health and profit everywhere. Bordeaux mixture is most com monly used to combat potato blight. It is made as follows: Five pounds copper sulphate, six pounds lime. 50 gallons water. To this one pound of Tvirtc rrpn mixed un to a thin nnstp j-..... 0. - -- - ! can be added to kill the potato bug ! Begin to spray when the potatoes are jfour to five inches high, and keep the vines well covered until they hav riDcned or are killed by frost. MaM We know of no other medicine which has been so suc cessful in relieving the suffering of women, or secured so many genuine testimonials, as has Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound. In almost every community you will find women who have been restored to health by Lydia E. Pinkham's Veg etable Compound. Almost every woman you meet has either been benefited by it, or knows some one who has. In the Pinkham Laboratory at Lynn, Mass, are files con taining over one million one hundred thousand letters from women seeking health, in which many openly state over their own signatures that they have regained their health by taking. Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound. Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound has saved many women from surgical operations. Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound is made ex clusively from roots and herbs, and is perfectly harmless. The reason why it is so successful is because it contains ingredients which act directly upon the female organism, restoring it to healthy and normal activity. Thousands of unsolicited and genuine testimonials such as the following prove the efficiency of this simple remedy. nr?23Tnf!K3l nSsnhBKsKl Colons. "Wisconsin. M For three years I was troubled with female weakness, irregularities backache and bearing down pains. I saw an ad vertisement of Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound and decided to try it. After taking 'several bottles I found it was helping me, and I SBSjH(MaRi) niluS'i nil iWWVtvvJl i -man uuHMsai Women who tressing ills peculiar to their sex should not lose sight of these facts or doubt the ability of Lydia E. Pinkham's Veg etable Compound to restore their health. GOOD GUESS. , "What is it. pop?" "Sure, 'tis the tombstone of a auto mobilist, giving his record and where he's gone ihtirely." KIDNEY CHILLS AND BACKACHE. If, when you get wet or, take cold, it "settles on the kidneys" and there is a shivery, chilly sensation in tho back, it shows kidney weakness which is often the beginning wwwof serious disease. Doan's Kidney Pills should bo used per sistently until the backache and other symptoms disappear. Mrs. D. K. Jcffers, Colfax, Wash- says: "For two weeks I had to be propped up in bed and I lost 50 pounds in weight I was in terrible condition, in fact, I came very near dying. As a last resort I began using Doan's Kid ney Pills. Since then I have gained back my lost weight and feel wonder fully improved." Remember the name Doan's. For sale by all dealers. 50 cents a box. Foster-Mllburn Co., Buffalo, N.Y. even ncr mumcr. j Her Mother I feel, Sir. Owens, that I can trust my daughter to you. Owens You can Indeed, madam; everybody trusts me. Beautiful Post Cards Free. Send 2c stamp for live samples of our very best Gold Embossed Birthday. Mow er and Motto Post Cards; beautiful colors and loveliest designs. Art Post Card Club, 731 Jackson St., Topeka, Kan. One Close Tip. "Your wandering life as an actor must cut you off from all ties." "Ah. madam, say not so. The rail road ties are ever with us." Tf a dose of Hamlin Win H Oil taken at nicht will prevent vtir lnvint: a had cold in the mornin?. int it a pood idea to have it readv to fake the moment yoa feci the cold cominc? If you are acquainted with happi ness Introduce him to your neighbor. E. Brooks. AA A READER CURES HIS CONSTIPATION-TRY IT FREE Simple way for any family to retain The editors of "Health nints" and "Questions and Answers" have one ques tion that la put to them more often than any other, and which, strangely enough, they find the most difficult to answer. That is "How can I cure my constipa tion?" , . 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TKV IT TO-IIAY. Sold Tryhr.Se. Ila not accent auv aabstltate. Seat by maul for c in a tamps. CDf-C TRIAI. PACKACB r TCaaB sent by mail. imTiiFlF a: it AY'S SWEET "la a Black tU"iEK?t ths bM mediclnj f..r iLVawl KeTorieh. sickly Children. Sold bf scjincBS xnsits neryw!.er. raat-tatC Trial PackoearKEE. Addreiw. A 1. I.K.N S. OLMSTED. 1 Roy. . T. Atlrn -l u-riual7c:trC'hronli:lJlcr.loB flccnOcrof nloii ITlct-ra-Varlcojie i:icn.Ii diilcnt 1'lcrr.McrciirialCIcers.WhlteSweU . .i.v v l,v.rinrall.l4ftAree. Ptettteelraa I L:..'r. Er 1IU(. -.1 AI.LBN.Dcpt A9t.PaalJflB. B5?iS?S2J ThtapsM' Ejt Water th e good health of all its members. use of salts, waters, atronjr cathartics and such things. Syrup Pepsin, by train ing the stomach and bowel muscles t again do their work naturally, and with its tonic Ingredients strengthening" th nerves, brings about a lasting cure. Amonff its strongest supporters are Mr. John Graveiine of 93 Miiwaukeo Ave., Detroit. Mich.. Mr. J. A. Vernon of Okla homa City and thousands of others. It can be obtained of any druggist at fifty cents and on dollar a bottle, or If you want to try It flrt a free simple bottls can be obtained by writing the doctor. Kor th frt-e sample address Dr. W. B. Caldwil. 2)1 Caldwell bulletin-. Monti, cello. IU. "HOOTERS atafasafaafF BIVtK jpwi P,har r 3ke5elcx3 &&s3&!&zi i ltti