i-vr-y , ,
t.
ohn Henrv
MAKES A
SPEECH
By GEORGE
The days i oiled by and Uuraldene
watched with Increasing interest the
straggle for supremacy between Mr.
Peter Grant and Mr. William Gray.
From the moment the glad tidings
spread around that they were out to
make monkeys of each other it seem
ed that every voter in the community
quit work and gum-shoed after the
two Candidates.
Everybody knew that money would
flow like water, and everybody was for
putting bulkhead compartments in the
clothes.
As for me! Well, Uncle Peter
handed me a. fat slob of a checkbook
and told me to cut loose, and I be
came so popular in all the booze ba
zaars that I had to wear ice in the
derby to keep the noddle from spread
ing. I was his campaign manager,
and Hunch Jefferson held the same
pest for Hill Gray.
I worked eighteen hours a day every
day and I slept with one lamp lit.
I began to notice that the Gray fac
tion was making a big play for the
women. They seemed to think that
If they got the wives and mothers on
their side it would be all off with the
Grant prospects.
Hunch Jefferson had handbills and
three-sheets all over town with cracks
like these in big black type:
GOD BLESS OUR HOME
WHICH KNOWS NO PETER
GRANT!
WHAT IS HOME WITHOUT A
MOTHER7
ASK PETER GRANT, THE
POLITICAL PIRATE.
WHEN WAS PETER GRANT
BORN?
AND WHY?
"The opposition is out to jolly the
women along." I explained to Uncle
Peter, "because they think Mama
will influence Papa's political opinions.
They are throwing the taffy at Mother
and getting her woozy with the happy
conversation in the hope that she'll
crowd Papa up in the corner and take
his vote away from him. It's up to us
to say a few pleasant words about
Father, for, after all. it's Dad that
does the heavy thinking on election
day and bites deep into the lead-pencil
ji gWVX,
Who Buys the Chicken
before putting his mark on the wrong
side of the ticket. Let's pass the candy
to Papa and put a crimp in the oppo
sition's plan of campaign."
"But how?" inquired Uncle Peter.
Tvo cooked up a speech for you,"
I answered, "and it's the goods.
What's more, I've fixed It so that
there'll be an audience here in half
an hour to hear It."
"Great Scott. John!" exclaimed
Uncle Peter. "I can't make an im
portant sieech on a half-hour's no
tice." "To the bench for yours." I said.
"I'm going to talk for you."
"You you are ou," he splut
tered. "Sure I am." I came back; "and
why not? I'll tell 'cm you have a mild
attack of tonsilitis and that I have un
dertaken to read your speech."
"But perhaps I may not approve of
all the sentiments therein." he in
sisted. "Approve nothing." I said; "I'm
poing to make this speech and put
you on Pleasant Avenue with the push.
They'll think you wrote it and you'll
be the hit of the show. Now be good
and go ?arg!e your sore throat."
Uncle Peter walked off shaking his
head doubtfully, and I prepared lor
the audience, which had already ke
gun to ;trag!o across the hnn.
In half an hour there was a large
gathering ot men. women and children
earned on our premises, and prompt
ly to the minute I mounted the ros
trum. Uncle Peter, w ith a bandanna hand
kerchief around his neck, sat near me
and put his hand on his forohead from
time to time to indicate that he Lad
throat trouble.
"Ladies and gentlemen," I began,
"I thank you for this goodly attend
ance, and beg to inform you, with sin
cere regret, that our Candidate has a
severe attack of tonsihtis and cannot
talk!"
(Cheers and cnes of "Good!
Good!")
"With your kind indulgence I shall
therefore read his speech, which, be
lieve me. is an oratorical effort such
as Demosthenes might be proud of
and which Socrates would gladly call
his own!"
(Loud cheers, during which Uncle
Peter n:i"ed end took a bow.)
""Ladies and gentlemen: It was
V. HOBART
mutually agreed upon by both parties
that this was to be a campaign free
from personalities and mud-slinging,
hut long before the gong sounded old
Sourface Pill Gray lost his temper
and said things about us which burn
ed his throat as they came out!"
(Cries of "Kill him! kill him!"
which caused Uncle Peter to hastily
move his chair back.)
"We don't believe in personalities
or mud-slinging, ladies and gentlemen,
but we will give $5,000 to a charity if
old Bill Gray's heart hasn't a com
plexion like a coal-heaver!"
(Loud applause.)
"If. after examination, it Is found
that his heart hasn't a complexion like
a coal-heaver, then he loses. Dare he
accept this challenge?"
(Loud cries of "Ask me!")
"We have noticed, ladles and gen
tlemen, that the opiosition is keen to
shower compliments on the women, to
the utter exclusion of the men. No
man may say with impunity that Peter
Grant Is not chivalry itself in the
presence of the fair sex, but is It jus
tice to the men to lock them up in
the ice-house?"
(Loud cries of "No! no!" "Let us
cut!")
"Why does the opposition heap
compliments on Mama to the exclu
sion of Papa? Is this true politics? Is
this the vaunted freedom for which
our fathers fought and bled their
country? A miscreant, a marauder, is
now, in the form of old BUI Gray.
leering nt the ladies and seeking with
sickly smiles to secure their sym
pathy!" (Loud applause from the children.
who thought I wa3 beginning a fairy
tale.)
"Why does the opposition continu
ally iterate and reiterate the question.
'What is home without a Mother?"
They have made this the one great
political issue of the day. Has the
opposition ever stopped to ask, 'What
is home without a Papa?' Never, to
the everlasting shame of the opposi
tion, never!"
(Tremendous excitement and loud
cheers.)
"We are determined to have justice
in this campaign, and no matter upon
whose shoulders the blow may fall
for Sunday Dinner?"
we ask 'What the matter with
Dad?' "
(Loud cries of "He's all light! You
bet!")
"The opposition is pleased to pre
face ail its literature in this campaign
with these words. 'God bless Home
and Mother!' Now. in simple justice
to the founders of this great cradle cf
treedom. we say to the opposition,
how dare you kick Father off the
front steps? Why isn't Dad's name
mentioned on the bill of fare?"
(Cries of "Lynch him! Lynch him!"
whereupon Uncle Peter turned pale
and pointed at his sore throat.)
"Who is it. I ask you, ladies and
gentlemen, who is it that rises at early
dawn, lights the fire, cooks a hard
boiled ess and is out kicking the dew
off the grass while Mother is still
chasing a new dress through the val
ley of Dreamland? Dad!
"Who is it that has to buy a six
dollar overcoat and then has to chase
out to the barn in the storm and let
th rain melt the overcoat? Dad!
"Who is it that gathers in $1S of a
pay day and has to hand out S22 of it
before sunset? Dad!
"Who U it that has to meet the
grocer and the butcher and the taker
and the rent collector and wear out
his voice trying to stand them off?
Dad!
"Who buys the chicken for the Sun
day dinner, curves it himself and then
draws the neck from the discard after
every one elso is served? Dad!
"Who meets an old friend he hasn't
seen for years, hoists in a few dippers
of suds, moseys heme with a good-natured
souse only to find that Ma
makes him sleep on the ironing-board
in the dining-room? Dad!
"Ladles and gentlemen, we believe
'What is home without a Mother' as
a campaign issue is untenable, and we
insist that 'What is home without a
Father?' is the one burning question
of the hour a question which has re
mained unanswered, unhonored and
unsung too long in this campaign!"
( Loud and continued cheering, many
cf the ladies being in tears.)
j "So, ladies and gentlemen, here's to
j Dad! the silent hero of the house
hold! To Dad, the willing worker!
, To Dad. the humblest hit of bric-a-,
brae in the parlor! To Dad, who goes
through life w ith the soft pedal on the
voice! You may have many faults,
dear old Dad. and you may play sec
ond fiddle with the mute on. but
we'll miss you when you're gone. To
Dad, ladies and gentlemen, the ace in
life's pack of cards!"
The excitement was intense when 1
finished, and was sure that old Bill
Gray had been set back about ten feet
in the estimation of the populace
There was nothing to IL
While cheer after cheer arose Uncle
Peter whispered hoarsely, 'John, you
never said a word about my platform.
I'll have to explain my position with
regard to the lncreased-Cost-of-Living
club!"
When Uncle Peter rose to address
the assemblage I noticed a stranger
hurrying hither and thither through
the crowd, whispering in the ears of
the men.
Then, just as cur Candidate bowed
amiably, and began, "Ladies and gen
tlemen." a mighty yell went up and
instantly the assemblage broke,
dashed for the gate and charged wild
ly across lots in the direction of the
dgg
tfSI GRANT
I1
Bunch Jefferson Had Three-Sheet
Posters All Over Town.
river, leaving as an audience for the
startled Uncle Peter one woman and
three babies.
"Mr. Gray sent word that he has
lapped eight kegs of beer in the ball
grounds," the woman informed me,
"but my children ain't got no thirst
for It yet. They'd rather watch the
old gent mako funny faces!"
Uncle Peter collapsed and Aunt
Martha fanned him vigorously, while
Clara J. exclaimed spitefully, "That
Bunch Jefferson is a perfect fiend."
"How did you guess it?" I said, try
ing hard not to smile.
(Copyright by G. W. DIllinKliam Co.)
HAVE NEW IDEAS IN EXAMS
Professors Have Adopted the Oral Ex
aminations in Preference to the
Written.
A number of profesors In the Eng
lish department at ihe University of
Pennsylvania have adopted the oral
examination In preference to the writ
ten. A large number of test questions
are written upon cards. The student
is required to pick three, five or ten
questions, as the case may be, and an
swer them.
As soon as he has finished, says the
Old Penn Weekly Review, he is told
whether he has passed, which obvi
ates weeks of waiting for the results
of written examinations. The scheme
is said to eliminate all possibility of
dishonesty and compels a man to
stand squarely upon his own ability.
The honor system is in force in the
Wharton school of finance and com
merce. In this school also there has
originated a system of co-cperatlon
with the fraternities in keeping delin
quent students up to their work. Each
fraternity has r. beard of representa
tives upon scholastic standing.
In tho Wharton school quizzes are
given to freshmen and sophomores
every two weeks. The results are sent
to tho fraternity representatives, who.
upon finding a member of their so
ciety deficient inhis work, appoint a
man to coach the delinquent. The
scheme has been so successful that
some of the fraternities have taken It
up in connection with other depart
ments. One fraternity which lost two
years ago a number of its members
through failure in examinations was
not obliged to drop one last June.
This year the fraternities reported
that their men were better prepared
for examinations than ever before.
Up to Doctor Eliot.
The City Mothers' club met at the
Hotel Astor the other day, says a New
York letter, just after President Emer
itus Eliot of Harvard had announced
that every wife should welcome the
siork at least eight times between the
ages of twenty-seven and forty. The
mothers looked not merely shocked,
but sore. They did a little scientific
panning cf Doctor Eliot between
heats. "Isn't the club going to go on
reiord with a reply to Doctor Eliot?'
one of the principal members was
asked. "Tho club have their own
troubles, without bothering about what
Doctor Eliot may think." The seeker
for information was persistent. "Sure
iy." said he. "a statement of that sort,
by such a man as Doctor Eliot de
serves some reply." The leading mem
ber of the Mothers' club frowned
again. "We will answer Doctor El'.ot."
said she, "just as soon as Doctor Eliot
becomes a mother."
The Point of View.
Poetic Lady Ah, Sir Charles, when
you see your wife looking so beauti
ful in her exquisite furs, don't you
repeat to yourself those charming
lines"
Crusty Foxhunter (cutting in)
What I repeat to myself Is "A hundred
and fifty-seven pound ten and no sec
ond horse!" Punch.
A Serious Result.
"Did that explorer suffer any phys
ical ailment as a result of his trip to
the arctic regions?"
"Yes."
"What was it?"
"Writer's cramp."
hrr
RfMLnffSf
Give the hen wide range.
Tomatoes should be started early.
Potatoes are a highly specialized
crop.
Cow3 should be kept comfortable at
all times.
Provide some succulent feed for
ewes in winter.
Weeds rob the soil of food elements
required by other plants.
Farm philosophers say this is go
ing to be a very dry year.
The milch cow needs a shelter from
the summer storms and heat.
A pig that is fed grain all his life
usually fails to pay expenses.
Potatoes require considerable nitro
gen and a large amount ot potash.
The pigs should have a clean, dry
yard to exercise in during the day.
A cheap and effective way of de
horning calves is with potash caustic
By judicious choice of varieties car
rots may be enjoyed for a long sea
son. A dally record of work done will
cut out many of the wastes of the
farm.
The oat crop as a money maker on
the farm is liable not to receive the
attention It deserves.
The soil on cultivated fields on hilly
or rolling land will wash less if
plowed well and extra deep.
The gardener should try to grow the
carrot quickly In order to secure ten
der, sweet, uniform specimens.
One of the chief reasons for butter
becoming rancid at an early age is the
fact that it is not washed thoroughly.
One ton of average fresh manure
contains ten pounds of nitrogen; one
ton of clover hay. 40 pounds of nitro
gen. Prune the trees in the early spring
if possible, any month of the year if
necessary, but be sure to prune the
trees.
Clover and grass seed may he sown,
and a good stand secured, on oat
ground during the last of April and
the first of May.
If the buttermilk is not washed out
it will furnish abundant food for the
bacteria, since they thrive on tho
casein in the milk.
With a quiet, steady team a half
grown boy. with a sulky plow, can do
as good work as a man with the o'.d
fashioued walking plow.
There Is no professional study that
requires closer work than does the de
velopment of the corn plant a com
bination of brain toil and nature.
Pigs in the pasture require some
sort of crude shelter to protect them
from the sun and keep them from
blistering and scalding on hot days.
Growing geese require large quan
tities of grass, which they will obtain
it allowed their range, and which will
cut down the feed bill at least one
half. The picking of live geese for the
live geese feathers, so called. Is prac
ticed less and less. It is a cruel prac
tice, and ought to be entirely abol
ished. . The amount of feed that the pigs
should get cannot be definitely' ad
vised. That must be determined by
the feeder from the appetites of the
assimilate food.
It has been found that the seeds of
i many weeds will retain their vitality
for 13 to 25 years. ,iossibly longer.
grows In any one year.
The litter of chaff, etc.. which ac
cumulates in the barn should be put
in the henhouse. The hens will
scratch it over and obtain seeds and
pieces of clover that will do them lots
of good.
Hard enough to sit for three weeks,
without having to be gnawed all tho
time by insect pests. Look at your
sitting hens once in a while and bo
sure they are free "from enemies of
this kind.
The styles and sizes of poultry
houses arc almost as numerous as
the farms whereon they rest, and it
Is a hard matter to satisfy any great
number of people with any particular
style of house.
A potato fertilizer analyzing 3 per
cent nitrogen, 6 per cent phosphoric
acid and 10 per cent potash can be
made from the following materials:
133 pounds nitrate soda. 600 pounds
tankage. 200 pounds acid phosphate
and 400 pounds sulphate potash. It
Is best to apply half of this with the
planter and the other, half broadcast
just before the potatoes come through
the ground.
ll J
Clover is rich in protein.
Feed young turkeys bread crumb.
Poultry is quite a large factor with
many.
The brooder must be kept free from
droppings.
The use of summer silos is growing
more common.
Beet molasses contains over 56 de
grees of potash per ton.
The sows and pigs should be put on
pasture as soon as possible.
The seed well treated will treat the
farmer to a disease free crop.
Some horses have learned to balk
by being overloaded and abused.
Potatoes will do their best on a well-
manured, well-prepared clover sod
There are over 170.000.000 of acres
under wheat cultivation in tho world.
Peas, beans and onions were first
known in Egypt many centuries ago.
The intelligent care of trees Is a
great aid in our battle with the in
sects. Let the patch of mangel-wurzels be
included in the farm plan for this
summer.
Old grass and clover pastures are
much benefited by a dressing of plas
ter and ashes.
One of the "unfailing" signs of an
Ignorant or careless feeder is a bunch
of scouring pigs.
Weeds sometimes Injure by killing
farm stock, or by rendering their
product unsalable.
The brood mare in foal should be
handled by a firm, steady hand, not an
excltable, rash hand.
Better to put up new fence or mend
the old than to spend the rest of the'
summer chasing pigs.
4
With the high cost of feed, a little
tankage added to the ration of hogs
every day will pay big.
When the cream runs off the spoon
like oil and has a slight acid taste It Is.
usually ripe for churning.
It has been found that denatured
sugar forms a valuable and economical
addition to skim milk for calves.
Some dairymen are finding it quite
convenient to have the milking room!
hold four cows only at one time.
Stimulate the soil to a vigorous
production by means of thorough cul
tivation and liberal use of fertilizer.
In deep setting, with plenty of Ice.
the cream is all up in 12 hours In any
of the good family creameries now In.
use.
The age of seed has much to do
with the vitality or germinating
power. Young, bright, shiny seeds
are best.
Hogs have often been tided over a
season of shortage and kept In a
thrifty, growing condition, for weeks
on mangels alone.
Youne ceese do not lay as many fer
tile eggs or produce as many goslings
i the first breeding season as they
do in the second.
Milk readily absorbs bad odore
such as arise from onions, garlic- or
decaying vegetables, henco don't set
the milk pan near them.
Grading of cream is receiving more
attention by the dairy press and
dairymen than it possibly ever has In
the history of the dairy business.
A good stand of clover cannot be
had when sown on fail or spring grain
where only a few hundred pounds or
cheap fertilizer is drilled to the acre.
The worst feature of cucumber cul
ture is the Insect pests, but these
may bo controlled by dusting with
dry insecticides or even with bone
dust.
The same laws that have sent tho
prices of beef and pork products al
most out of reach of the workingraan
will also hold the prices of poultry
products.
Where one has plenty of land, or
land that is too hilly or rocky for
regular field cultivation, the pasture
affords the cheapest feed that can be
grown on the farm.
For market purposes a stock bird,
large-breasted, firmly set on short legs,
surmounted by large thighs, will prove
valuable, especially if belonging to a
family of egg producers.
The great feeding value of alfalfa Is
no doubt known to all and owing to Its
high protein content it must be fed
judiciously; it is also a laxative, and
is good for any and all stock on the
farm.
In handling young trees the future
shape of the tree must be kept in mind
and at the same time sufficient wood
must be left in the tree to furnish a
sufficient leaf surface fcr a rapid
growth of the tree.
Charcoal for preventing acidity;
shells or crushed limestone for shell
making; grit for promoting digestion
and litter for a dry scratching shed
are prime esentials in promoting
poultry health and profit everywhere.
Bordeaux mixture is most com
monly used to combat potato blight.
It is made as follows: Five pounds
copper sulphate, six pounds lime. 50
gallons water. To this one pound of
Tvirtc rrpn mixed un to a thin nnstp
j-..... 0. - -- -
! can be added to kill the potato bug
! Begin to spray when the potatoes are
jfour to five inches high, and keep
the vines well covered until they
hav riDcned or are killed by frost.
MaM
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nr?23Tnf!K3l
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SBSjH(MaRi)
niluS'i nil iWWVtvvJl
i -man uuHMsai
Women who
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GOOD GUESS. ,
"What is it. pop?"
"Sure, 'tis the tombstone of a auto
mobilist, giving his record and where
he's gone ihtirely."
KIDNEY CHILLS AND BACKACHE.
If, when you get wet or, take cold,
it "settles on the kidneys" and there
is a shivery, chilly sensation in tho
back, it shows kidney weakness which
is often the beginning
wwwof serious disease.
Doan's Kidney Pills
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backache and other
symptoms disappear.
Mrs. D. K. Jcffers,
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even ncr mumcr. j
Her Mother I feel, Sir. Owens,
that I can trust my daughter to you.
Owens You can Indeed, madam;
everybody trusts me.
Beautiful Post Cards Free.
Send 2c stamp for live samples of our
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One Close Tip.
"Your wandering life as an actor
must cut you off from all ties."
"Ah. madam, say not so. The rail
road ties are ever with us."
Tf a dose of Hamlin Win H Oil taken
at nicht will prevent vtir lnvint: a had
cold in the mornin?. int it a pood idea
to have it readv to fake the moment yoa
feci the cold cominc?
If you are acquainted with happi
ness Introduce him to your neighbor.
E. Brooks.
AA
A READER CURES HIS
CONSTIPATION-TRY IT FREE
Simple way for any family to retain
The editors of "Health nints" and
"Questions and Answers" have one ques
tion that la put to them more often than
any other, and which, strangely enough,
they find the most difficult to answer.
That is "How can I cure my constipa
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Dr. Caldwell, an eminent specialist in
diseases of the stomach, liver and bowels
has looked the whole field over, has prac
tised the specialty for forty years and Is
convinced that the ingredients contained
In what fs railed Dr. Caldwell's Svntp
Pepsin ha t!: bst claim to attention
from constipated people.
Its success In the cure of stubborn con
stipation has done mu:h to displace the
must say that I am perfectly well now and caa
not thank you enough for what Lydia E. Pink'
ham's Vegetable Compound has done for me.
Mrs. John Wentland, B. F. L, No, 3, Box 60,
Coloma, 'Wisconsin.
are suffering from those dis
Tha Pleasure of Lrtiacla the Country or
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factory Caa Snaply.
Caa K4at with.
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GaafarLaaaaW aaaaaaa.
Cast heat water tar 1km baa
Gas to
awaaeJas aad other
Ton can have all Ithese con
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antomatfeaur by In
stalling the
V.'iU not lacrru. joor innraaca j
wn oau.marttioMrtujtir.
Moratlwa 13.0QO la na In Bnl
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' ray Too to Inmlicit. Write n
lmlT SOW port-card.
i KiwiaTiiw auamwect.
WkjM aant. BdnH. Bktk.
The Wretchedness
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Canqakklybe
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IVcir TCfataow
ctnrayi
BSoaaaea),
Head.
ache.
Dim,
at aad fasTyawa Tbey tj
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Genuine u- Signature
ALLEN'S FOOT-EASE
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Sheea
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CDf-C TRIAI. PACKACB
r TCaaB sent by mail.
imTiiFlF a: it AY'S SWEET
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scjincBS xnsits neryw!.er.
raat-tatC Trial PackoearKEE. Addreiw.
A 1. I.K.N S. OLMSTED. 1 Roy. . T.
Atlrn -l u-riual7c:trC'hronli:lJlcr.loB
flccnOcrof nloii ITlct-ra-Varlcojie i:icn.Ii
diilcnt 1'lcrr.McrciirialCIcers.WhlteSweU
. .i.v v l,v.rinrall.l4ftAree. Ptettteelraa
I L:..'r. Er 1IU(. -.1 AI.LBN.Dcpt A9t.PaalJflB.
B5?iS?S2J ThtapsM' Ejt Water
th e good health of all its members.
use of salts, waters, atronjr cathartics
and such things. Syrup Pepsin, by train
ing the stomach and bowel muscles t
again do their work naturally, and with
its tonic Ingredients strengthening" th
nerves, brings about a lasting cure.
Amonff its strongest supporters are Mr.
John Graveiine of 93 Miiwaukeo Ave.,
Detroit. Mich.. Mr. J. A. Vernon of Okla
homa City and thousands of others. It
can be obtained of any druggist at fifty
cents and on dollar a bottle, or If you
want to try It flrt a free simple bottls
can be obtained by writing the doctor.
Kor th frt-e sample address Dr. W. B.
Caldwil. 2)1 Caldwell bulletin-. Monti,
cello. IU.
"HOOTERS
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