V
I
ohn
MAKES A
STATEMENT
By GEORGE
I was sitting on the veranda one
morning studying "The Politician's
Catechism." which I had found some
where, when Clara J. declared herself
in and got curious about the litera
ture I was handling with so much in
terest. "it's politics I'm studying the
game." I told her. "You wouldn't un
derstand it, reaches."
She wouldn't take a stand-off so I
put her wise.
"I don't know who the Dope is that
cooked this up." I said, "but he knows
how to play ball. Listen to this:
The Politician's Catechism.
Question What is the first duty of
a candidate?
Answer A duty of about 57 per
cent, on his "barrel." If the "barrel"
won't stand it. make it 33 1-3.
Question What is a candidate, any
way? Answer A candidate is a "thing"
which the ward managers use for leg
pulling purposes up and until election
day, when if successful the "thing"
becomes "it."
Question In making a speech, what
should a candidate use for his open
ing sentenco?
Answer "I believe that a public
offlce is a public trust."
Question Is this strictly new?
Answer- Oh, no! Adam used to nit
on the stone fence around Eden and
recite it to the birds and beasts before
elocution books were printed.
Question Then, why should a can
didate always use it?
Answer Because usually candi
dates are so busy watching their
pocket books they haven't time to think
original thoughts foi home cousump
tion.
Question Name another sterling
sentence which a candidate may use
with impunity.
Answer "I am eternally. irre
vocably and everlastingly opposed to
everything that needs opposition dur
ing the course of such time as I may
be in a position to draw u salary while
opposing such things as may need op
position." Question--flood! That reads like
Alcibiades, sounds like Socrates, and
means as much as a Populist platform.
What is the opening sentence of the
second paragraph of the first section
of a candidate's speech?
Answer "The will of the sovereign
people of his glorious ward will not
lot touch a heinous crime go unpun
ished." Question What Is' the heinous
crime referred to?
Answer Damlino.
Question Correct. Can you name
'My Heavens! My Speech Has Been Stolen!'
the second sentenco of the third para
graph of the first section of a candi
date's speech?
Answer "I say. let us have justice,
though the heavens fall, and should
any man haul down the American flag,
shoot him on the spot."
Question What spot?
Answer Ten spot. I suppose.
Question Correct. Name the first
sentence of the third paragraph of the
fourth section of a candidate's speech
on a hot summer's night.
Answer "1 will cling earnestly to
the faith of my fathers and I will re
sist, tooth and nail, with all my soul
and with all my strength and with all
my will and with all my power the
machinations of those low-browed
devils who seek to bend the neck of
the sovereign citizens of this ward be
neath their iron heels."
Question In what ward have they
low-browed devils and iron heels?
Answer They always have 'em in
the wards where the candidate is par
ticularly young and effervescent.
Question Can you repeat the first
sentence of the seventeenth paragraph
of the eighteenth section of a can
didate's speech?
Answer "The office should seek
the man."
Question That sounds new and re
freshing. By whom was it invented?
Answer Ry a politician from Home
about the time Mr. J. Caesar built his
first summer cottage in Gaul.
Question What is a platform?
Answer A platform is a thing to
stand on.
Question What is a political plat
form? Answer A political platform is a
thing to jump on.
Question What is the candidate's
favorite expression previous to elec
tion? Answer "Every citizen is a sover
eign, and 1 glory in the thought."
Question What is a successful can
didate's favorite expression after elec
tion? Answer "Every citizen is an office
hunter, and they make me sick."
Henry
V. HOBART
"Are you going to make Undo
Peter study all that?" inquired Clara
J. when I finished.
"No," I answered; "he'll be too
busy making marks in his check
book."
Uncle Peter was going to run for
ollicc against his old rival. Bill Gray,
and he had elected me campaign
manager.
Before she could ask for further de
tails the pestman came trailing up the
road with the morning mail.
Hank, our gardener, went down to
the gate to meet him. Hank is as deaf
as the conscience of a ward boss.
"Good morning!" said the postman.
"Hey?" whispered Hank with his (
southpuw up to his listener. :
"I say. it's a nice morning," the '
letter carrier yelled.
"Yes, all very well thank ye!"
Hank replied; "exceptin' ray littlest
gal. Genevive. She was ailin' some
when I left home this mornin'."
"That's too bad." the letter carrier
sympathized loudly.
"Two!" cried Hank; "oh, bless
you, no! I've got nine of 'em. The
oldest Is twelve years and the young
est is fourtcon days."
The letter carrier laughed and was
on his way while Hank brought the
mail to me, still talking as he sorted
the letters over: "But I don't see no
gold medals coming from ex-President
Roosevelt because I didn't commit a
race suicide. I reckon J. Feniaiore
Cooper was right when he said repub
lics is ongrateful critters." Hank
sighed and went back to his garden.
"Here's a scream from Bunch." I
said opening the letter which read as
follows:
IturaUleno. Tuesday.
pear John-Mr. William Gray lias ap
points hip ills campaign manager, and I
take plcasme in announcing that our
prospects for success are more thun hope
ful. I mean to work as I have never
worked before, ami you may depend upon
It that Mr. I'eter Grant will have a haid
road to travel from now until election
da. f course we don't 1m Ileve in er
:oiiulitics or mud-slinging, hut thh does
not l.'.lml -js to the fact that old Peter
Grant is the inventor of the original In-ereased-Cost-of-I.iving
club, and we will
prove it to the satisfaction of the volers
in this district. It mast Ik- awful to have
a man like Koxy IVte in the family, anil
vmi have my heartfelt sympathy In your
hour of woe." This will he one time, liuw
viT. when he'll ;rct all that's coming to
him ami he'll begin to get it soon.
I.ovlnglv vours.
1UTXCII JKKFEKSOX.
"Well, wouldn't that tie your horse,"
I yelled. "Bunch, my old friend and
pal for years, throwing the harpoon
into me' and breaking it off! Gi' me a
pen so I can get back at him and curl
his hair."
"Wait a moment, John." suggested
Clam J. "That's no way for a coin-
mander to act. If you're going to lose
your temper at the first challenge of
the enemy, where will you be when
the real fight begins?"
"You're right. Peaches." I said, sim
mering down, "and that will be about
all for me until Uncle Peter is elected.
Bunch hit me with a hot potato when
I wasn't looking and I choked up.
Hereafter me with the General Grant
cigar in the face and the glad wrinkles
around the eyes for all comers."
Uncle Peter and Aunt Martha
joined us. the latter beaming with
pride and the former tapping nervous
ly on a roll of foolscap and smiling at
the universe.
"The speech of acceptance Is ready.
John," Uncle Peter announced, "and
I hope you'll approve and ratify my
platform. If I do say it myself, this
speech Is an inspiration. I feci that it
will be the foundation of a great po
litical future. The more I read it over
the more it reminds me of Lincoln's
gifted utterances. When the commit
tee gets here they will listen, spell
bound. I'm sure you'll all be sur
prised." Hank, the gardener, strolled up and
leaned on his scythe as Uncle Peter
started in.
"Fellow-citizens, taxpayers and en
lightened voters of Ruraldene." the
old gentleman begr.n; "this is a mo
mentous ir.oicent in the history of our
beloved little city."
When he paused for approval Aunt
Martha turned to Hank and said.
"Isn't it perfectly lovely! and the lan
guage is so convincing, too'"
"No, ma'am," Hank replied, "not
two, only one Genevive. my third
youngest, she's ailin some."
"Oh. dear me!" sighed the flustered
old lady; "1 always forget about poor
Hank's affliction." Then, in a shrill
scream to the gardener: "I was speak
ing of Mr. Grant's speech. Don't you
catch its drift?"
"Catching!" answered Hank, amia
bly; "oh. no. ma'am! it ain't nothln
catchin. It's just a mild attackt of
asbestos here in the chest she
wheezes frightful at times, but Gene-
vlve don't mind It She gets It from
her mauler's side asbestos ran in her
family."
Then, to Uncle Peter's infinite re
lief. Hank hoisted his scythe and float
ed off.
The candidate began again: "Fellow-citizens,
taxpayers and enlight
ened voters of Ruraldene, this is a
momentous moment in the history of
our beloved little city. I have heard
with a feeling of pardonable pride
Enter at this moment Lizzie Joyce,
with the wind-shield lid, the grouchy
grip and the parasol with the freckles
on it.
She was made up to stop the first
passenger train that got a flash of her.
"I'm after giving you my notice,
mem," she said to Aunt Martha abso
lutely blind to the fact that Uncle
Peter was glaring at her and boiling
with indignation.
It certainly does jar a budding
statesman to have the cook come out
of the kitchen and put the boots to his
maiden speech.
"What's the matter this time?" in
quired the gentle Aunt Martha, anx
ious to avert a disaster.
"A strange boy just came in the
kitchen and told me that I was workin
for the man that invinted the In-crcascd-Cost-of-Living
club," answered
Lizzie, throwing a baleful gleam at
Uncle Peter, "and I'll not work for no
criminal. The boy told me, too, that
the man I'm workin' for spind all his
money to keep Ireland from gettin
home rule, and I quits me job."
"What!" shrieked Uncle Peter,
dancing around the lawn. "I invented
the Increased-Cost-of-Liviug club! I
'It's Politics I'm Studying
Game."
the
keep Ireland from getting home rule!
Oh! oh! it's a villainous roorback!"
"Don't you call me no roorback or
I'll beat your head off. you old por
poise!" yelled Lizzie, as she raised the
parasol and sailed after our excited
candidate, but Aunt Martha's per
suasions prevailed and Lizzie was led
back to the kitchen.
"It's Bunch," I whispered to Clara
J. "He sent that boy here to inflamo
the mind of our cook, and if that's his
idea of political warfare we'll starve
before the campaign gets started."
"Bunch!" exclaimed Clara J. in
dignantly; "If he has really stooped to
such tactics as that I'll never speak to
him as long as I live."
"Easy. Peaches!" I admonished; j
"the campaign is young yet, and I
Bunch may redeem himself. Besides,
I'm going to hand him something
pretty soon that will make him sit up
and notice things. There'll be a few
warm moments in Bill Gray's section
of Ruraldene before this fight is over
believe me."
In the meantime Uncle Peter had
cooled off and was now politely re
ceiving the local committee which had
been appointed to wait on him and re
ceive the first official announcement
that he would run on their ticket for
mayor.
Uncle Peter escorted the seven gen
tlemen up to the veranda and Intro
duced them.
Gabe Malone was the chairman of
the committee, and I thought his face
turned olive green with disappoint
ment when I was presented as the
candidate's campaign manager.
My delighted uncle beamed gra
ciously upon the committee, which
was a unit in watching for signs of a
wet spell wherein to drink the candi
date's health.
"I have worked over my speech of
acceptance for several days." the old
gentleman informed the committee,
as he bustled about to prepare for the
great event, "and I flatter myself that
it will create considerable consterna
tion in the eaemy's camp when it is
publicly printed."
The committee cheered and watched
eagerly for the appearance of a tray
with the balloon Juice thereon.
In order to make his committee feel
more at home, for the day was hot
and they were somewhat neglige.
Uncle Peter had thrown his coat on
the lawn and was playing the host in
his shirt sleeves.
Presently all was In readiness. Re
freshments had been served to such
an extent that the committee was
prepared to yell its several lungs out.
and we all awaited Uncle Peter's first
oratorical effort with bursting enthu
siasm. The candidate picked up his coat
from the grass and made a most pains
taking bow in the direction of the
wide, wide world.
Then he put on his glasses and dove
into the inside pocket of his coat for
the speech which was to be the ef
fort of his life.
A shadow of astonishment crossed
his features as his hand went deeper
into the pocket. All the other pockets
he tried in nervous haste, and then,
with a groan of despair, he yelled:
"My heavens! my speech has been
stolen !"
A shrill scream of triumph from the
direction of the roadway caused us all
to turn and we caught a glimpse of a
red-headed, barefooted kid standing
on the gate with a roll of foolscap in
one hand and the other thumb at
tached to the end of his nose.
"It's a bum speech anyway," yelled
the grinning urchin, and with another
shriek of triumph he put off down the
pike to beat the wind.
"Bunch isn't a political fighter," I
muttered bitterly; "he's a wrecker of
homes."
(Copyright by Q. W. Dillingham CaJ
NEBRASKA'S CENSUS
WHAT THE CENSUS FOR 1910
SHOWS IN NEBRASKA.
The. Work of Compiling Figures for
Nearly Every Place in State
Completed.
The 1910 census of the 419 cities,
towns and villages of the state of Ne
braska has just been announced by
the census bureau. The figure follow:
Abie 210 1 Darr 32
Adams 647 Davenport . 484
Ainsworth .. 1045 David City. 2177
Albion 15S4 Dawson 340
Alexandria . 447 Daykin 220
Allen 301 Decatur 7S2
Alliance 3103 Deshler .... 600
Alma 106G DeWitt 673
Amherst ... 25C Diller 506
Anoka 145 Dixon 217
Anselmo ... 351 Dodge 601
Ansley 700 Doniphan .. 399
Arapahoe ... 9M Dorchester . 610
Arcadia .... 61S Douglas .... 303
Arlington .. 645 Dubois 339
Arnold 231 Dunbar 216
Ashland 1379 Dundee 1023
Ashton 101 Dwight 1S4
Atkinson ... S10 Eagle 360
Atlanta 250 Eddyville .- 254
Auburn 2729 Edgar 10S0
Aurora 2630 Edison 334
Avoca 249 Elba 302
Axtell 394 Elgin 606
Ayr 142 Elk Creek.. 240
Bancroft ... 742 Eikhorn 291
Barada 118 Elm Creek.. 620
Barneston .. 22S Elmwood .. 635
Bartley .... 511 Elwood .... 464
Bassett 3S3 Emerson ... S3S
Battle Creek 597 Endicott ... 204
Bayard 261 Eustis 403
Bazile Mills. 77 Swing 440
Beatrice ... 9356 Exeter 916
Beavr Crsn.7 542 Fairbury ... 5294
Bee 207 Fairfield ... 1054
Beenier 494 Fairmont .. 921
Belden 247 Falls City... 3253
Belgrade ... 400 Faniam ... 462
Bellevue ... 59C Filley 194
Bellwood ... 397 Firth 343
Belvidere .. 475 Fiorence ... 152C
Benedict ... 336 Ft. Calhoun. 321
Benkelman . 338 Ft. Crook.. 203
Bennett 437 Foster 122
Bennington. 276 -Franklin .. 949
Benson 3170 Fremont ... S71S
Berlin 196 Friend 12GI
Bertrantl ... 643 Fiillertoti .. 163S
Bethany ..'. 948 Geneva 1741
Bladen 494 Garrison ... 177
Blair 23S4 Genoa 1376
Bloomfield . 1264 Goring 627
Bionaiington 507 Germantown. 275
Blue Hill .. 761 Gibbon 71S
Blue Springs 712 Gilead 1S1
Brad.shaw .. 359 Glenville ... 304
Brady SOS Gordon 920
Brainard ... 465 Gothenburg. 1730
Bridgeport.. 541 Graftcn 333
Bristow 175 Gr'd Island. 10326
Brock 434 Grant 35S
Broken Bow 2260 Greeley Ctr. S43
Brownvllle . 457 Greenwood . 3S7
Bruning 353 Gresham .. 344
Bruno 245 Gretna 4S4
Brunswick.. 27S Gross Ill
Burchard ... 315 Guide Rock. 690
Burr 113 Haigler 203
Burwell .... 915 Haliam .... 16S
Butte 530 Hampton .. 3S3
Byron 1S4 Hardy 496
Cairo 364 Harrison .. 186
Callaway ... 765 Hartingtoa .. 1413
Cambridge .. 1029 Harvard ... 1102
Campbell .. 573 Hastings ... 933S
Carleton ... 393 Havelock .. 26S0
Carroll 3S2 Hay Springs 408
Cedar Bluffs 500 Hebron 1770
Cedar Rapids 576 Hemingford. 272
Center 119 Henderson . 391
Central Citv 242S Hendley ... 23S
Ceresco 296 Herman .... 345
Chadron 26S7 Hershey ... 332
Chapman .. 266 Hickman ... 3S8
Chappell ... 329 Hildreth ... 450
Chester .... 560 Holbrook .. 414
Clarks 605 Holdrege ... 3030
Clarkson ... 647 Holstein ... 323
Clatonia ... 233 Homer 397
Clay Center. 1065 Hooper 791
Clearwater . 414 Hoskins 262
Cody 1S3 Howard City 233
Coleridge .. 535 Howell .... 800
College View 130S Hubbard ... 130
Colon 160 Hubbell 295
Columbus .. 5014 Humboldt .. 1176
Comstock .. 323 Humphrey . S6S
Concord 198 Hutington .. 410
Cook 378 Hyannis ... 262
Cordova ... 291 Imperial ... 402
Cornlea .... 90 Indianola .. 6S1
Cortland ... 364 Ithaca 171
Cozad 1096 Jackson .... 290
Crab Orchrd 274 Jansen SOS
Craig 339 Sumner .... 321
Crawford .. 1323 Johnson ... 273
Creighton .. 1373 Julian 16S
Creston 32S Juniata .... 471
Crete 2404 Kearney .... 6202
Crofton 610 Kenesaw ... 657
Culhertson . 5S0 Kennard ... 319
Curti 613 Kimball ... 454
Dakota City. 474 Laurel 514
Dalton 207 Lawrence .. 415
Danbury ... 26S Lebanon ... 197
Dannebrog . 3S0 Leigh 567
At
Beware the Gypsy Moth.
Washington. The department of
agriculture Is giving a loud cry of
warning to everybody interested in
fruit trees and ornamental plants and
shrubs throughout the country to look
out for the brown-tai! moth and the
gypsy moth. That the dangers to
fruit trees and shrubbery. and even
fiich trees as the elm. oak and maple,
from these two pests are great and
growing is the admonition given by
the department of agriculture.
"WV
Maltimore. Md. The third national
peace congress will assemble here on
Wednesday for a four days' session
under circumstances of unusual inter
est. With arbitration treaties and
the peace movement attracting the
attention of nations on both sides of
the Atlantic, the advocates of peace
feel that a realization of their hopes
is not far distant.
Governor Aldrich has received an in
vitation to deliver the commencement
address at the Ohio university at Ath
ens, Ohio, on May 15
Leshara .... 86
Lexington . 2059
Liberty .... 394
Lincoln ....43973
Lindsay . . . 465
Linwood ... 329
Litchfield .. 403
Lodgepole .. 245
Long Pine.. 781
Loomis .... 284
Lorton 115
Louisville .. 77S
Loup 1128
Lush ton .... 205
Lynch 583
Lyons 865
McCook .... 3765
McCool Jet.. 369
Madison ... 1708
Madrid 124
Magnet .... 17S
Malmo .... 214
Marquette . 290
Martinsburg. 291
Mason City. 480
Maxwell ... 289
Maywcod . . 443
Mead 330
Medo Grove 3SS
Memphis ... 162
Merna '. 459
Merriuian .. 254
Milford 716
Millard 260
Miller 330
Milligan ... 336
Minatare . . 33S
Minden .... 1559
Mitchell ... 640
Monowa .... 109
Monroe 282
Morrill 346
Morse Bluffs 196
Murdock ... 222
Xaper 300
Neb. City... 5488
Xeligh 1566
Nelson 978
Nemaha . . . 325
Newcastle . 436
Newman G.. 850
Newport ... 298
Xiobrara ... 822
Norfolk 6025
North Bend. 1105
North Loup. 519
North Platte 4793
Oak 237
Oakdale .... 631
Oakland ... 1073
Oconto .... 245
Odell 427
Ogalalla ... 643
Ohiowa .... 373
Omaha 124096
O'Neill .... 2089
Ong .' 2S3
Orchard .... 532
Ord 1960
Orleans 942
Osceola .... 1105
Osmond . . . 567
Overton .... 574
Oxford 593
Palisade ... 3S0
Palmer .... 373
Panama .... 320
Palmyra ... 334
Papillion .. 624
Pawnee .... 1610
Pender .... Su4
Peru 950
Petersburg . 533
Phillips 274
Pierce 1200
Pilger 471
Plainview .. 941
Platte Centr 3SS
Plattsmouth. 42S7
Pleasnt Dale. 237
Pleasanton . 252
Plymouth .. 43S
Polk 396
Ponca 1000
Pcsen 246
Prague 304
Preston 122
Primrose ... 15S
Pressor .... 163
Ragan 214
Randolph .. 1137
Ravenna ... 1355
Raymond . . 236
Red Cloud.. 1686
Republican . 476
Reynolds . . 246
Richland ... 156
Rising City
Riverton . ..
Roca
Rockville . .
Rogers ....
Rosalie ....
Roseland
Rulo
Rushville ..
Ruskin ....
St. Edwards
St. Helena.
St. Paul....
Salem
Sargent ....
Schuyler ...
45G
369
123
201
155
147
249
661
633
339
814
113
1336
S91
651
2152
Scotia 32S
Scott's Bluff 1746
Scribner ... 891
Seward 2106
Shelby ....' 503
Shelton 1005
Shickley ... 429
Shubert 311
Sidney ... 11S5
Silver Creek 379
Smithfleld . 190
Snyder 314
South Bend. 125
So. Omaha. 26259
So. Soo City 1196
Spalding ... 637
Spencer ... 671
Springfield . 463
SprSngview . 216
Stamford .. 301
Stanton .... 1343
Staplehurst. 228
Steele City. 300
Steinauer .. 24S
Stella 430
Sterling . . .
Stockham ..
Stcckville ..
Strang
Stratton . . .
Stromsburg.
714
601
22''
22S
367
1355
Stuart 467
Superior .... 2106
Surprise ... 32S
Sutherland .
Suttou
Swanton ...
Syracuse ...
Table Rock.
Talmage . ..
Tamora ....
Tarnoy
Tecumseh .
Tekamah . .
Thurston ...
447
1702
285
842
S14
461
205
121
174S
1524
112
Tilden 901
Tobias 445
Trenton
Uehling ...
Ulysses ...,
Unadilla ...
Union
Uni. Place..
Uniand
497
22S
551
209
302
5200
390
Utica 520
Valentine ..
Valley
Valparaiso .
Verdel
Verdigre ...
Verdon ....
Virginia . . .
Wahoo ....
Wallace . . .
Waco
Wakefield .
Walthill ...
Waterbury .
Waterloo . .
Wauneta . .
Wausa
Waverly ...
Waynetown .
Weep. Wat.
W. Lincoln..
West Point.
Western ....
Weston ....'
Wilber
Wilcox
Wilsonville.
Winnetoon .
Winnebago .
Winside . . .
Wisner
Wcod River.
Wymore . . .
Wynot
one
Yuta'n
1098
810
560
162
403
406
154
216S
175
293
SGI
810
199
402
327
601
297
2110
1067
200
1776
499
432
1219
3S2
383
220
399
450
10$1
796
2613
258
C .
353
SLOAN AND KINKAID HAVE TAR.
IFF SUGGESTIONS.
Washington. Convinced that tfe
farmers' free list bill contains many
provisions which would be injurious to
the farmers and which would go a
long way to nullify the beneficial ef
fects of its other provisions. Repre
sentatives Sloan and Kinkaid of Ne
braska are making an attempt to
bring before the house a number of
bills that they believe will bring about
the desired results free from the evils
embodied in the pending legislation.
With the hope that these bills shall
be reported out of the committee and
with a view to fight for their passage,
Mr. Sloan and Mr. Kinkaid will oppose
the democratic measure. To this end
Mr. Sloan has introduced four bills.
One calls for all timber and lumber to
be put on the free list, one for sewing
machines and all parts thereof, an
other for boots and shoes, harness,
saddles and saddlery, and the last for
salt
M
Marks Spot of "Lone Tree."
Central City. A granite pillar with
its surface knotted and carved like
the trunk of a giant cottonwood tree,
now marks the spot where the "Lone
Tree" on the old Oregon trail stood
for years, the only tree up and down
tlie river for miles, and under tne
branches of which many a tired band
of emigrants or California gold seek
ers used to rest under the rrotecting
shade of its branches.
The goernment will open up an ex
perimental coal mine at Bruceton. Pa.
Oklahoma City. The department of
justice has accepted compromises in
a cumber of suits which it has been
prosecuting to recover a large amount
of land belonging to the Kickapoo In
dians in Lincoln and Pottawatomie
counties. Oklahoma.
The federal land office has received
notice from Washington to compen
sate all those land owners in Frontier
county who lost tracts of various
acreages there when a resurvey of a
section of that county was made is
190L
High
Award
World's Pan
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Exposition
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SKMW MIDtCAi.COI
AS HE UNDERSTOOD THEM
Apprentice Carried Out Orders of His
Employer, but the Result
Was Sad.
"Now. William," the old farmer said
to his new apprentice, "I want thee to
mind what I do say to thee, to be
Ebarp and attentive and to delay not
In carrying out my instructions."
"Ay, ay, zur," replied William.
"First, now. I want thee to take
out the old white mare and have her
shod."
"Ay. ay. zur." said William, and de
parted. He returned two hours later and the
old farmer questioned him.
"Thee hast not been quick, lad,"
he said, reprovingly, "but if thee hast
done thy work as I ordered thee thou
shalt be forgiven. Didst thee have
the mare shod, as I telled thee?"
"Ay, ay, zur!" replied William,
beaming. "Didst thou not hear the
gun? I shot her myself and I've just
buried her." London Answers.
SCRATCHED TILL BLOOD RAN
"When my boy was about three
months old his head broke out with a
rash which was very itchy and ran a
watery fluid. We tried everything we
could but he got worse all tho time,
till It spread to his arms, legs and
then to bis entire body. He got so
bad that he came near dying. The
rash would itch so that he would
scratch till the blood ran, and a thin
yellowish stuff would be all over his
pillow in the morning. I had to put
mittens on his hands to prevent him
tearing his skin. He was so weak
and run down that he took fainting
Bpells as if he were dying. He was
almost a skeleton and his little hands
were thin like claws.
"He was bad about eight months
irhen we tried Cuticura Remedies. I
had not laid him down in his cradle
in the daytime for a long while. I
washed him with Cuticura Soap and
put on one application of Cuticura
Ointment and he was so soothed that
be could sleep. You don't know how
glad I was he felt better. It took one
box of Cuticura Ointment and pretty
near ono cako of Cuticura Soap to
cure him. I think our boy would have
died but for the Cuticura Remedies
and I shall always remain a firm
friend of them. There has been no
return of the trouble. I shall be glad
to have you publish this true state
ment of his cure." (Signed) Mrs. M.
C. Maitland, Jasper, Ontario, May 27,
1910.
Like Home Touch.
Tired and dusty, a party were re
turning by rail from a holiday trip.
SImkins. a little bald man. seated him
self to read, but dropped off to sleep.
On the rack was a ferocious crab in a
bucket, and when Simkins went to
sleep the crab woke up, and finding
things dull in the bucket, started ex
ploring. By careful Investigation Mr.
Crab reached tho edge of the rack.
Down it fell, alightinav on Simkin's
shoulder, where it grabbed the man's
car to study itself. The passengers
held their breath and waited for de
velopments, but SImkins only shook
his head and said: "Leggo. Sarah! I
tell you I've been at the office all
the evening!"
A Herford Bon Mot.
Oliver Herford and a friend were
strolling through a section of town
that was plentifully strung with pul
ley lines on which many a family
"wash" was waving In the wind. Mr.
Hcrford's companion called attention
to the manner in which these gar
ments shut out the sky and otherwise
disfigured the landscape. Mr. Herford
gazed at them thoughtfully and then
gently murmured: "The short and
and simple flannels of the poor."
Not Just What He Meant.
She (at the masquerade) Do you
think my costume becoming?
He (with enthusiasm) Yes, indeed;
but you would be lovely in an dis
guise. CSE ALLEN'S FOOT-EASE
the Antiseptic powder to be shaken Into the shoes
for Ured.schlnc feet. Ittaketbstlsicotitof coot
snl bnnlons -nd semkes walking a. dalfcfct. Soil
ererrwaere. Sc. Jtrfut tubttitutu. For Fit KB
trial package, address A. S. Olmsted. Le ttoy, N.T.
On Occasion.
"Pop. is It X that is an unknown
juantity?"
"I have always round it so. my sob,
whenever I tried to borrow one."
Dr. Pierce's Pellets, small, sugar-coated
Ktsy to take as candjr, regulate and invig
orate stomach, liver nd bowels tad cure
constipation.
The alleviation of suffering Is one
of the means by which the advance
ment of our race Is secured. Sir
James Crlcbton-Browne.
It's easier for a shiftless man
asake friends than to make good.
to
calumet
lA The wonder of bak-
mgpowden Pilar
' WAijMki : b. .l:.
. Dowers ks auufonnk
vJr its never failin tesuks. in
purity.
Wonderful in economy.
It costs less than the lugh-priot
trust brands, but is worth ae
much. It costs a trifle more thaa
the cheap and bit: can kinds
it is worth more. But proves its
real economy in the bakinf .
U CALUMET-
sSBsOB avwHTs
At all Grocers.
COLT DISTEMPER
Aakaftaadtad. wvaarftv. Taaatekaraeai'ad.aadaBi
iwm. ao Mtwr bow upmiiL-iiw mm mm
VJ Wing DTV-W UUUiV VIOIABTHk WK. UlfV
wu.nl la ttmA. ! blood aa null mtmmat
of dmnavur. Bart faaMtfy r kaowa far awna la (ml
OaakottUgaaranteedtoearaoaaeMa, toaaMabotBatMaaS
MiaiiiiaoCdnt;UtaillMiiwiar.raiatiaiaMP4 fey
uvuaia. -tj nm bow o poaraoa wma, vwr nw
git xijmiaa. Local agonal
laflrlnsilsfsnns rmirsjssrs
BASEBALL.
Oout at first." so the umpire decided.
This decision the runner derided.
And these words at him were cast,
"Not at flrst. but at last"
Then the runner and umpire collided!
ALL RUN DOWN.
A Typical Case of Kidney Trouble and
How It Was Cured.
A. J. Adams, 242 Rose St, Roseburg;
Ore., says: "My back ached fiercely
for hours and then eased up only to
leave me so weak I could hardly move.
Kidney secretions con
tained heavy sediment
and burned awfully In
passage. Everything
seemed to be gradu
ally giving way; my
limbs ached, sight be
camo poor and blood
circulation was so Im
paired that I reeled
and had to clutch something to keep
from falling. I grew worse and for
weeks was unable to work. One thing
after another I tried without relief
and then I began with Doan's Kidney
Pills. I now feel like a different per
son." Remember the name Doan's.
For sale by all dealers. 50 cents a
box. Foster-Mllburn Co.. Buffalo, N. Y.
Not a Singer.
"Johnny," the teacher said, "here Is
a book. Now, stand up straight and
sing like a little man."
The song was "Nearer, My God."
No sooner had the school commenced
to sing than a little girl waved her
hand frantically. Stopping the sing
ing, the teacher inquired the cause.
"Please, teacher, I think Johnny
will get nearer if be whistles."
Her Way.
Mrs. Woggs So you keep your hus
band borne evenings? ' I suppose you
put his slippers where he can find
em?
Mrs. Boggs No; I put his over
shoes where he can't. Puck.
1
Met His Match.
Alkali Ike They have Just takea
Roaring Bill to the hospital.
Pistol Pete What happened tt
him?
Alkali Ike He tried to break up s
suffragist meeting. Judge.
Love never clogs a man's memory
He is scarcely off with the old until
he is on with the new.
Mrs. TTinslow's Soots I n Syrup for Chlldres
teething, soften the pam. reduces inflsmmar
tion, allays pain, cured wind colic, 25c s bottle
Little wits are often great talkers
De la Roche.
Lewis' Single Binder 5c cijpir equals Ir
quality mest 10c cieurs.
Ambition Is a longing that make
some men near-great.
ARE YOU FREE
FROM
Headaches, Colds, hxfigesbof
Pains, Constipation, Sour Stomach,
Dizziness? If yoa are not, the most
effective, prompt and pleasant
method of getting rid of them is to
take, now and then, a desertspoon
fid of the ever refreshing and trait
beneficial laxative remedy Syrup
of Figs and Elixir of Senna. It u
well Known throughout the world
as the best of farrary laxative reme
dies, because it acts so gentry and
strengthens naturally without im
fating the system in any way.
To get its beneficial effects k is
always ne.essary to buy the genu
ine, manufactured by theCattornia
Fig Syrup Co, bearing the nami
of the Company, pldahr printed oa
j the front of every package.
J
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