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About The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 10, 1910)
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A NOBLE RED MAN.
Ho Was Not the Stately Chief Wolse
ley Expected to Meet.
Lord Wolseley was stationed in Can
ada man- j-ears ago. On one occasion
be spent a holiday in the wilds, build
ing a-vigwani and practicing general
ly what we should now call the "hack
lo nature" cure.
It was soon after his arrival in the
country, and as the means of commu
nication were still somewhat primi
tive he had never seen an Indian and
was most anxious to make the red
ni;ii(V acquaintance. Some friends of
his promised lo send one or two to see
him. sis there was an encampment not
very far away.
At last one morning Lord Wolseley
was informed that a chief had called
to see him. With his mind full of the
conventional Indian, a man of com
manding presence, arrayed in all the
glory of paint and feathers, he eagerly
stepped outside his wigwam to make
his acquaintance. But he received a
rude shock when he found a wizened
gentleman dressed in a tattered frock
coat and ancient waistcoat.
However, the general stilled his as
tonishment and played the genial host,
although horribly bored at the inces
sant chatter of the Indian, who had
been in the service of the Hudson Bay
company and therefore could speak
broken English fairly fluently.
At length, anxious to get rid of his
visitor, he took a twenty-five cent
piece out. of his pocket and, fearing he
might be grossly insulting his visitor,
presented it to him.
The latter took It, looked at it care
fully, felt the edges and then said:
"Can you mak it half dollar?'
THE WET RAIN.
There Are Several Varieties, and
Have Their Whims.
Rain is principally composed
water, but it should not he confused
with mining stock.
Rain always comes on Sunday after
noons and wash days.
Wash day may be changed to any day
In the week, systematically or indis
criminately, but the rain will come.
Sunday afternoon, however, cannot
be' changed to any other afternoon.
Tie rain will hold off until you are
ready to go driving, and then the word
will be passed along the mysterious
currents of the air. and a double order
of cirrus and cumulus will be hurried
in from the west.
Also in the morning, when you leave
home and carry your umbrella and
raincoat, the rain will go away and
sulk. But if you take heart of the
fair sky and leave the umbrella and
other trimmings, then the rain will
wait until you leave the office and then
get you. Incidentally it will tuck a
few grip and rheumatism germs into
Haiti is good for the crops, but why
it takes you for a crop is hard to un
derstand. Kaiu never brought fame to any one
except Noah. Probably on the day the
flood begau he watched the last picnic
party drive out of town in a bus. shout
ing sarcastic things at him through the
There are several varieties of rain,
but the one most popular with the
weather bureau is called "Probably."
A Great Assistance.
"Good morning!" greeted the young
man in the threadbare suit.
Tbe millionaire turned around in his
"Er I think you have the advantage
of me. young man." he said distantly.
"Why, dou't you remember me. sir?
J am broke. Two years ago you told
Tne if I ever went broke to come
around and see you." j
ri.rt mtiiinnni. i . i .
auc luiwiuuuiit: ueamu-u a uenevoienc
"So I did. my son; so I did. Here is
the envelope all ready for you."
The young man took the bulky en
velope, and his spirits rose like the
mercury on a July day.
"Ah, a little assistance. I suppose?"
, "No; a great assistance. It is a valu
able little pamphlet I wrote during my
spare time entitled 'How to Be Broke
and Happy.' "Chicago News.
"shal" of lierman whence our
shawl" Is made of goats' hair.
Like the carpets, the shawl patterns
are learned by heart, and the work is
even finer. Children also do this work.
it is estimated that Herman turns out
$300,000 worth of shawls, handmade.
a year. The finest product is a fir cone
pattern, a rich color effect, made espe
cially for the governor of the province,
who wears it as a robe of honor on the
Persian New Year's day.
He Got Her.
"Its so long since you called upon
me," said the girl as she came down
to tbe young man In the parlor, "that
I waa baginnlag to think you- were for
"I am for getting you," replied the
smart youth, "and that's why I've
called tonight. Can I have you?'
AN ANGRY MUSICIAN.
Amusing and Pathetic Story of Con
stant's Picture, "Too Late!"
An amusing and pathetic story Is
told of Benjamin Constant's first pic
ture to attract attention. It was called
"Too Late" and represented Fortune
and Glory visiting an artist just as he
bad breathed bis last. The artist was
lying on the bed. The figure of Death
stood near the door through which
Fortune, carrying a box of money, and
Glory, bearing laurels, bad just en
tered. The artist received many letters
from those who bad seen the painting.
One was written by a professor of mu
sic, an old man. who expressed in
touching words the emotion be bad
felt at the sight of the artist's work.
IIo asked Constant to visit and talk
to him about "Too Late."
The invitation was accepted, but as
soon as the od professor saw the art
ist he uttered an ejaculation of sur
prise and anger. "Why. you are quite
a youth!" he exclaimed. "I thought
you were old and. like myself, bad
spent your life in vain endeavor to ob
tain recognition of your abilities. I
conceived that picture to be tbe last
despairing cry of a man as unfortu
nate as 1 am. I find you are quite
young and your eyes are full of hope.
You are a humbug, sir. and I request
that you leave this bouse immediate
ly!" TRUE STANDARDS OF LIFE.
The Measure of a Man Is What Ho Is,
Not What Ha Has.
It takes so long to learn bow to live.
so long to get even u glimmering of
what life is for and what we ought to
do with ours. We are so prone to live
in tbe future, to fret ourselves about
it. We are so busy yearning for the
joys we imagine other people have and
worrying about the trouble we imagine
we are having that we make of tbe
present, tbe one thing we are sure of.
an endless regret.
And of all tbe follies tbe limit is to
permit some one else to make our
standards for us. Haven't we Intelli
gence? Can't we think for ourselves?
To want things we don't need, many
we do not really care for, just because
some one else has them and wouldn't
understand if we didn't have them! To
struggle and strain to make a show
when all tbe neighbors know it is only
a show and would respect us a heap
more if we bad tbe courage to be our
selves! Death's standards ought to be
life's standards. Death does not ask
how big a house we bail from, nor how
many university degrees we have won,
nor what is our bank account. Not
what we have nor what we know, but
what we are. And that's our measure
of everybody but ourselves. Erman J.
Ridgway in Delineator.
A Riddle Making Epoch.
There have been epochs at which rid
dle making lias been more especially
in vogue, and such epochs would ap
pear to occur at seasons of fresh In
tellectual awakening. Such on epoch
there was at the first glimmering of
new intellectual licht In the second
half of the seventh century. This was
the age of Aldheim. bishop of Sher
borne, the first in the roll of Anglo
Latin poets. He left a considerable
number of enigmas in Latin hexame
ters. Aldheim died in 1709. Before
his time there was a collection of Lat
in riddles that bore tbe name of Sym
phosius. Of this work the date Is un
known. We only know that Aldheim
used it. and we may infer that It was
then a recent product. The riddles of
Sympbosius were uniform in shape,
consisting each of three hexameter
lines. Cornhill Magazine.
The clay tablets of Chaldea. prob
ably the very earliest writing mate
rials used by man. were of different
sizes, the largest being flat and meas
uring 9 by inches, while tbe small
est were slightly convex and In some
cases not more than an Inch long. In
the same ruins with the tablets have
been found the glass lenses which
were used by their readers. Tbe writ
ing was done, while the tablets were
still soft, by a little Iron tracer, not
pointed, but triangular at the end. By
slightly pressing this end on the soft
moist clay the iuscriptiuus were made.
The tablets, having been inscribed on
both sides and accurately .numbered,
were baked In ovens and stored away
in the state libraries. New York
She Did you say anything to paps
about your being too young? He Yes.
But be said when I once began to pay
your bills I should age rapidly enough.
New York Journal.
Knew What His Few Days Meant.
Quackly By the bye, have you got
10 about you ijjut you don't need for
a few days? Smackly I have, but 1
might need it some time. Exchange.
Want of care does us more damage
than want of knowledge. Franklin.
Sorry Ho Spoke.
Sbere to a certain West Philadelphia
bachelor who ta very fond of chOdrcs.
fiecently when be was riding on a
Chestnut street trolley car a woman
sat opposite him with a baby in bar
arms. Suddenly tbe baby began to
cry. Every one in the car seemed to
be annoyed and a general scowl want
around that Is, every one except the
bachelor. He tried to show by tbe
benign expression of bis face that tbe
crying of the baby was sweet music to
him. He smiled at the youngster, bat
the noise only grew loader, finally
he leaned across tbe car.
"Perhaps there's a pin sticking him,"
be said hi a stage whisper and after
the manner of one who understands
all the complexities and troubles of
baby Ufa There was a profound al
ienee In the car until the mother an
swered: "No. there's no pin sticking him,
she said at last In a tone of scorn and
with much emphasis on the but word.
Then she continued, "He's scared be
cause you're making faces at bun."
After that the bachelor lapsed Into
penslveness. Philadelphia Times.
The Starling's Tongue.
It Is extraordinary how many per
sons are under the Impression that, in
order to enable a bird to talk. It la ab
solutely necessary to cat or silt Its
tongue. I have heard that this fal
lacy had Its origin In tbe following
story: A man had a number of star
lings In a large cage marked Tine
Young Starlings Only 1 8h!Ulng
Each," and as each would be pur
chaser arrived the man would say.
"There's a fine bird there, sir point
ing out one of them, "but I want naif
a crown for him, because he's the only
one with a cut tongue, so he la bound
to be a talker." He would then pro
ceed to catch the bird and show the
cut tongue and Invariably succeeded
In effecting a sale. This dodge would
be repeated as each new customer ar
rived and departed rejoicing at his
good bargain. The reader perhaps Is
not aware that all starlings have a
very peculiar formation at tbe ex
tremity of the tongue, which gives the
appearance of a little piece having
been snipped out of ItLondon Strand.
Antiquity of Shorthand.
Shorthand Is apt to be looked upon
as an essentially modern art The
predecessors of Pitman Byrom In tbe
eighteenth century. Mason In the sev
enteenthare dim and distant figures
beyond which it seems useless to ven
ture. Cicero dictated his orations to
his freedman, T. Tullius Tiro, and was
Inconsolable when temporarily depriv
ed of his services. He complained In
a letter to n friend that, while "Tiro
takes down whole phrases in a few
signs, Splntharus (his provisional sub
stitute) only writes in syllables." We
need not, however, suppose that the
"notae Tlronlanae" were actually in
vented by the freedman in question.
As M. Guenln points out, the Romans
created very few of the arts of peace,
contenting themselves, as a rule, by
copying from the Greeks. M. Guenln,
however, indicates the banks of the
Nile as the cradle of the art T. P.'a
A Benevolent Censor.
A trio of young ladles spent some
weeks last year at an out of the way
village In the mountain region. They
found the village postmaster a quaint
old character, whose ways were as ori
ginal as they were startling, so that
the dally trip to the postcunce became
a real event
"Is there any mail for us, major?'
asked one of the young ladles as she
appeared at the window one morning.
"No; they ain't a thing for you all
this mawnin', Miss Mary," was tbe re
ply. "They wasn't nothln' come for
you but a letter that looked like adver
tlsln', an' so I opened It, and sure
enough it was jest some advertisement
about somethin' or other, and I says
to myself, says I, 'Now, Miss Mary
don't want to tote such stuff as that
home with her,' and so I throwed it In
the waste box." Youth's Companion.
Snuff and a Crook.
Robert Pinkerton once told a story
of bis father, the founder of the de
tective agency, which illustrates the
elder Plnkerton's caution. A noted
criminal was detained in Plnkerton's
Chicago office. The elder Pinkerton
left the room and when he returned
took tbe precaution of holding a re
volver in front of him ready for use.
He saw the criminal standing by the
door with a snuffbox he had picked
up from Plnkerton's desk in his band.
"This Is good snuff," affably re
marked the crook as he took a sniff.
"For the eyes or the nose?' asked
Pinkerton, who knew that the crook
had intended to blind him in an effort
"Well," remarked the criminal, "I'm
sorry to say that the nose gets it this
Applus Claudius, surnamedt Caecos
(the blind), was a Roman statesman
who lived during tbe third century be
fore the Christian era. He was a Bo
man censor. 312 to 306, and consul,
307 to 29G. He commenced the Ap
plan way and completed theAppIan
aqueduct. From his Roman v Juris
prudence, oratory, grammar andQLatln
prose date their beginning. Hot abol
ished the limitation of the fulH right
of citizenship to landed proprietors.
In his old age he is said to have be
come blind, whence his cognomen
"Caecus." He was the author of
works hi both prose and verse,) of
which almost nothing is known.
No Pure Water.
Owing to tbe extremely solvent pow
ers, pure water is never found in na
ture, tbe nearest approach being found
in rainwater, which, as it as formed In
the upper regions of the atmosphere.
Is the purest that nature 'supplies, but
In descending it brings with it what
ever Impurities are floating near tbe
surface, which in the neighborhood of
cities are always .numerous; hence per
fectly pure waterls hardly to be found,
even the artificially dlstilledibelng only
Stella A dreadful experience, yon
amy? Bella Tea; I saw a great bargain
tmjLboes when 1 bad a hole Id my
I Ladles Guett.
&twmS ft C
It is just simply out of
the question for a young
fellow to find such clothes
as those known as "Col
lege Chap" unless he comes
The shoulders, the grace
ful waist, the delightful
lapels, all proclaim them
the clothes "de luxe" for
men who know cleverness
when they see it. Are you
one of these men? We
want to know you.
A ttrewsome "Charm.''
One of the most grewsome "charms"
la that which was at one time exten
sively used as a cure for wens. Tbe
band of a dead criminal still banging
had to be rubbed three times over
the wen. A correspondent In London
Notes and Queries some few years
since wrote that many persons were
then living who In their younger days
had undergone tbe ceremony, always,
they maintained, with complete suc
cess. "On execution days at North
ampton." be adds, "numbers of suffer
ers used to congregate around the
gallows In order to receive the "dead
stroke,' as it was termed. At the last
execution which took place In that
town a very few only were operated
upon, not so much In consequence of
decrease of faith as from tbe higher
fee demanded by the hangman."
I was calling, when tbe little daugh
ter of my hostess came into the room.
Knowing that her mother's mother
had that morning returned home after
a somewhat lengthy visit I said:
"Weren't you sorry to have grandma
go away. Pearl?
"Yes. 1 was," she answered prompt
ly, "and so was mamma very sorry.
But;" nd she paused thoughtfully for
a moment, "I couldn't see at breakfast
but that papa was just as cheerful as
Especially the Police.
Female Mendicant I'm a poor wid
ow woman with eight small children.
Cant you give us some clothes? Lady
Tbe only clothing 1 have to give
away is one of my husband's coats.
Female Mendicant Give It to me. good
lady. 1 might marry again. There are
several gentlemen as have their eye on
me. New York Journal.
WANTED-Thanameaor mandolin ami guiUr
players. Will tend a fine piece for first and
second mandolin and Kuitar (or piano) fall
sheet, music size, to any ono tending in the
names of fire or more players. C. A. Temple
man, Fremont. Nebraska.
Columbus, If ebraukm.
The eminent physician on chronic
diseases will visit our city
Saturday, August 20, 1910
And will be at the Thurston hotel until
5 p. m., one day ONLY.
Dr. Potters president of the staff of
tbe Boston Electro Medical Institute,
is making a tour of tbe state.
He will give consultation, examination
and all tbe medicines necessary to com
plete a cure FREE. All parties taking
advantage of his offer are requested to
state to their friends the result of tbe
Cures DEAFNESS by an entirely new
Treats all curable cases of catarrh,
throat and lung diseases, eye and ear,
stomach, liver and kidney, gravel, rheu
matism, paralysis, neuralgia, nervous
and heart disease, epilepsy. Brigbt's
disease and disease of tbe bladder, blood
and skin diseases, and big neck and
Files and rupture eared without de
tention from buainem
Asthma cured in a abort time.
It yon are improving under your fam
ily physician do not take up our valua
ble time. The rich and poor are treated
alike. Idlers and cariosity seekers will
please stay away. Our time is valuable
Remember, NOT A PENNY will be
charged for tbe medicine required to
make a cure of all those taking treat
ment this trip. Office hour 9 a.m.
Positively married ladies must be so
companied by their husbands. Remem
ber tbe date, Saturday Aug. 20 st Thurs
ton Hotel, Columbus, Neb.
The Real Need.
In negro households, especially In
communities where negroes form a
large portion of tbe population, it fre
quently happens that tbe woman Is
the head of the family, being not only
the breadwinner, bat also the discipli
narian, and In that capacity on occa
sions she regards her putative lord and
master as subject to her will. This
at least was the assumption of the col
ored woman who was a party to a lit
tle scene enacted In the office of a jus
tice of the peace.
A man had been arrested on the
charge of beating and cruelly misus
ing his wife. After hearing the charge
against the prisoner the justice turned
to the first witness.
"Madam." he said. 'If this man were
your husband and bad given you a
beating would you call In the police?"
The woman addressed, a veritable
amazon In size and aggressiveness,
turned a smiling countenance toward
the justice and answered:
"No, jedge. If he was man hnsban
an' be treated me lak he did 'Is wife
Ah wouldn't call no p'liceman. No,
ash; Ah'd call de undertaker.
Flexibility of English.
English Is not only, as Richard Jef
feries asserted, the most expressive
and flexible of tongues, bnt also, in
Swinburne's opinion, the most musi
cal. He proclaimed the lines
Music that sentlier on the spirit lies
Than tired eyelids upon tired eyes
to be unmatched for melody In any
language. And few would venture to
contradict such a master of music and
tongues. But surely French ranks
next on the roll of languages. For
clearness of diction it Is unrivaled,
and, thanks to Its abundance of vow
els (close on one for every consonant)
It flowes rhythmically from the tongue.
Against Westley's dictum, that French
Is to German as a bagpipe to an or
gan, may be cited a saying of another
famous divine. Dr. Dolllnger. "L'AUe
mand n'est pas one langue, mals ceux
qui parlent ce jargon se comprennent
entre eaux" (German Is not a lan
guage, but those who speak this jar
gon understand one another). London
Facts About Giants.
That very few of the giants who
have ever lived have been healthy or
well formed recent researches prove
beyond a doubt. All we know about
Goliath is that he was very tall, bat in
the second book of Kings we read
about another giant, who bad more
fingers than an ordinary human being,
and, according to modern scientists,
this is Invariably a token of degen
eracy. Marcel Donnal saw at Milan a
giant who was so tall that his body
filled two beds at night, but whose
legs were so weak that he could hard
ly stand upright. William Evans, the
gigantic porter of Charles I., had little
strength, and Cromwell's porter, an
other giant, ended his days In a luna
tic asylum. Finally. O'Brien, the Irish
giant, has been described as "an enor
mous sick child who grew up too
"Did you see the 'lightning calcu
lator In tbe sideshow?" asked the old
farmer in tbe wide straw hat.
"By heck, yes," drawled the other
rurallte. "and he was the biggest fake
In the show."
"How was that?"
"Why, thar was a thunderstorm go
ing on while I was in the tent and
when I asked him If he could calculate
where tbe lightning was going to strike
he just gave me the laugh." Chicago
News. An Ominous Symptom.
"A good wife is heaven's greatest
gift to man and tbe rarest gem tbe
earth holds," remarked Mr. Jarphly
the other morning. "She is his joy,
bis inspiration and his very soul.
Through her he learns to reach tbe
pure and true, and her loving bands
lead him softly over the rough places.
"Jeremiah," said Mrs. Jarphly sol
emnly "Jeremiah, what wickedness
have you been up to now?"
Doubled In Value.
A Missourlan who bought some
Texas land and wanted to unload it
told a prospective buyer that it had
"doubled hi yalue since I bought it"
"But" said tbe other, "you offered to
sell it to me for tbe same price you.
paid. How has it doubled In value?'
"Well, you see, I gave twice as much
as It was worth." Kansas City Star.
Exchango of Compliments.
Maud My mamma says she can re
member when your mamma kept a
Marie My mamma says she can re
member how much your mamma owes
her for groceries.
"It Is always dangerous to try to get
something for nothing," remarked the
"Yes, you might get what you de
serve," added the simple mug. Phil
Life Is a burden Imposed upon you
by God. What you make of It that it
will be to you. Take It up bravely,
bear it joyfully, lay it down trium
phantly. Gall Hamilton.
The Obliging Proprietor.
"Won't you please give me an or--der?'
pleaded the persistent drummer.
"Certainly," replied the crusty pro-'
prletor. "Get out!" Llpplncott's.
Heaven often smites In mercy, e
when the blow la severest Balllle.
The Elevator Man's Joke.
Hobbs I guess the elevator Is out of
order. What Is that sign on tbe door?
Dobbs The elevator man must be &
bit of a wag. It says. "Please pardon I
me for not rising." Boston Transcript
Clergyman Will you take this wo
man until death? Prospective Bride
groomIsn't there any minimum sen
tence? New York Press.
Tbe envious man pines In plenty, Uke
Tantalus up to the chin In water and)
yet thirsty. T. Adams.
Pioneer Crude Oil Burner Company
Incorporated under tbe laws of Oklahoma. Capital Stock $90,000.00
On account of our being delayed about secur
ing oil, we have not been placing any additional
Crude Oil Burner, but now that we have our
storage completed and plenty of oil on hand, we
will begin the work of installing burners at once.
Every burner is sold under a positive guarantee
that they will give satisfaction, or they need not
be accepted. Ask those who are using them and
also come to the tent west of the Thurston and
see them demonstrated.
She waa one of those very gushing,
effusive 'Mates who occasionally infest
newspaper offices, and she had been
admitted Into the sanctum of the man
aging editor of the paper on which
Homer Davenport was cartoonist, re
cites the Saturday Evening Post. Mr.
Davenport was In the room at ih
time. When the time came for her de
parture she first grasped tbe hand of
the managing editor, saying. "Goodby,
Mr. Mies, goodby!"
Then, turning to the assistant man
aging editor, she also shook him ef
fusively by the hand, exclaiming.
"Goodby. Mr. Buss, goodby!"
Davenport came next There was
no escape for him. "Dear Mr. Daven
port, goodby!" she cried with all the
delicate shading of a tragedy queen.
There was silence for a moment aft
er she had gone. Then Davenport
found his voice. "Where Is she go
ing?' he asked.
"Up to Ninety-third street." replied
the assistant managing editor.
"Suffering cats!" drawled Daven
port "What should have happened If
she had been going to One Hundred
and Twenty-fifth street?'
She Handed It Back.
A noted doctor believes in training
children to reason for themselves, and
this policy he carries out with bis own
child, a little girl of eight and he tells
a story In connection with her with
"My dear," be said to her, "I saw
something today that I hope I shall
never be pained to hear of you doing."
"What was that, papa?' the daugh
"I saw little Mary Goodglrl stick her
tongue out at a man today."
The child, evidently thinking that It
was an occasion to teU of the faults
of tbe other girl, said:
"Papa. I saw Mary"
The doctor Interrupted and told the
child she must not gossip and if she
knew anything that waa not nice about
anybody she must keep it to herself.
The child looked at her father and
then said quickly:
"Well, papa, why did you tell me
The physician was so surprised he
could not answer. Philadelphia Times.
His Only Blemish.
When the pious looking lady entered
the London blrdsbop and stated her
need of a talking parrot the proprietor
"reckoned e'd got the werry thing the
lady wanted." "Course, ma'am." he
said, "you don't want a wulgar bird.
This 'ere one. now, was brought over
by a missionary. Talks like a reg'Iar
'ymn book, 'e does. I wouldn't let 'im
go If I didn't think you'd give 'Im a re
spectable 'ome. Thirty-five shillings
that bud. ma'am."
"You'll soon know!" screeched Pol
ly. "You'll soon know!"
"Dear me! How quaint!" gushed tbe
lady, and 35 shillings changed bands.
"What does he mean by 'you'll soon
know.' I wonder?"
"It's 'Is only blemish, ma'am,"
smiled the blrdsbop man. "'E's got
it into 'Is 'ead that every one's won
derful anxious to find out wot a mis
sionary sex when 'e 'Its 'is thumb with
What She Missed.
Six-year-old Ruth was very unhappy
because one of her many wants bad
been denied. Her papa was giving her
a lecture and said. "You have every
thing that most little girls have, and I
don't think there Is another little girl
In town has more than you."
"Oh, yes," said Ruth. "Alice has."
"What has she that you have not?'
"Well. I guess she had a ride to her
grandma's funeraL" Exchange.
The Serpent's Venom.
A physician while talking with a
group of friends remarked: "It is com
mon to hear people speak about poi
sonous serpents. Serpents are never
poisonous: they are venomous. A
poison cannot be taken Internally with
out bad effects; a venom can. Venoms
to be effective have to be Injected di
rectly Into the circulation, and this Is
the manner In which the snake kills.
Their venom taken Internally Is In
nocuous." The Weapon He Needed.
An excited citizen burst frantically
into the police station. "My life's In
danger!" he cried. "I've Just received
a threatening letter from the Black
Hand, and I want a permit to carry a
"All right sir," replied the captain.
"I'll give you a permit to carry a fan
that's tbe weapon you need; some
thing that will keep you cool." Chi
An Odd Apology.
This is the classic apology of a cele
brated statesman of the last genera
tion: "Mr. Speaker. In the heat of de
bate I stated that tbe right honorable
gentleman opposite was a dishonest
and unprincipled adventurer. I have
now, in a calmer moment, to state that
I am sorry for it"
A Bird'a Barbed Wire Fences.
There ma be seen along the road
skies in Central America a brown wren
about the size of a canary which builds
a nest out of all proportion to its ap
parent needs. It selects a small tree
with horizontal branches' growing close
together. Across two of the branches
It lays sticks fastened together with
tough fiber until a platform about six
feet long by two feet wide has been
Constructed. On the end of this plat
form nearest the tree trunk It then
builds u huge, dome shaped nest a foot
or so high with thick sides of Inter
woven thorns. A covered passageway
Is then mude from tbe rest to the end
of the platform in as crooked a man
ner as possible. Across tbe outer end
as well as at short Intervals along tbe
inside of this tunnel are placed cun
ning little fences of thorns with just
space euough for the owners to pass
through. On going out this opening Is
closed by the owner by placing thorns
across tbe gateway, and thus tbe safe
ty of tbe eggs or young Is assured
Finding Mark Twain by Faith.
On? eveniug u few years ago Brander
Matthews and Francis Wilson were
dining together at the Players club of
New York, when the former made tbe
suggestion that they write a letter to
Mark Twain. "But." objected Mr. Wil
son, "we don't know where he Is," for
it was at a time when Mr. Clemens
was away traveliug somewhere. "Oh,"
said Professor Matthews, "that does
not make any difference. It Is sure to
find him. I think he is some place In
Europe, so we bad better put on a
five cent stamp." So the two sat down
and composed a letter, which they ad
dressed to "Mark Twain. God Knows
Within three weeks they received a
reply from Mr. Clemens which said
briefly. "He did." The letter had been
sent by tbe New York postofflce to
Harper & Bros., thence to Chatto &.
Windus of London, thence to a bank
in Vienna and from tbe bank to the
small town In Austria in which Mark
Twain happened to be staying. Book
man. Ho Got Badly Loft
Experiences of a correspondent of a
Nuremberg paper go to show that tbe
German adulteration laws are drastic.
He says: "A French friend sent me
four bottles of burgundy. After pay
ing the duty I was informed that all
wine coming from abroad has to be
analyzed. As my consignment includ
ed two kinds of wine a double analysis
was necessary, and for this I paid a
fee of $9.2-1. As tbe end of a week I
received first a certificate attesting that
my wine was pure and, second, the
case In which the bottles were sent.
I was also Informed that two bottles
had been required to form the basis of
each analysis and that consequently
there was no wine left. I am natural
ly grateful to the state for tbe precau
tions taken to guard my health, but I
cannot help thinking I am entitled to
the empty bottles. Surely these were
not also analyzed."
Got His Receipt
He had run up a small bill at the
village store and went to pay It, first
asking for a receipt. Tbe proprietor
grumbled and complained It was too
small to give a receipt for. It would
do just as well, he said, to cross the
account off and so drew a diagonal
pencil line across the book.
"Does that settle it?' asked tbe cus
"An' ye'U nlver be askin' for it
"Faith, thin," said the other coolie,
"an I'll kape me money hi me pocket"
"But I can rub that out." said the
"I thought so." said the customer
dryly. "Maybe ye'H be givln' me a re
ceipt now. Here's yer money."
Ono of the Natives.
A gentleman was once showing a
countryman round a zoo, when they
came to a cage containing a kanga
roo. "What Is that?' Inquired tbe coun
tryman. "Ob." replied tbe gentleman, "that Is
a native of Australia!"
Immediately the countryman threw
up his arms In horror, exclaiming.
"Goodness gracious, my sister married
one of them!" Loudon Telegraph.
Training For a Crash.
"That man Is always anxiuus to get
into the spot light" said the observant
"Yes." replied Senator Sorghum, "but
be doesn't discriminate. One of these
days he's going to stand in front of a
locomotive headlight and not realize
his mistake till be Is run over." Wash
The Common Complaint
Probably this expression la used
oftener by people than any other: "Ev
erything Is blamed on
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