-
p
The Barber's Idea.
TTnf Irj had been oat late tbe night
before, or, rather, he had stayed in
late In a little affair, and about all be
had left to show for it in tbe morning
was an old fashioned away-from-bome-made
headache. In hope of relief he
bad sought his old friend, tbe barber,
and tbe latter had been busy on Bent
ley's head and face for tbe past hour.
"By .love. Karl, said Bentley as
the barber rubbed the top of bis bead,
that feels mighty good. 1 can tell you.
The man who Invented massage was
not only a genius, but a benefactor to
the whole human race. They ought to
put op a statue to him. There's noth
ing like-it when a fellow feels seedy.
There's only one trouble about it"
"Vot lss it?" asked Karl, hoping that
perhaps he might overcome tbe diffi
culty. "Why. ifs all on the outside." said
Bentley. "If there were only some ap
paratus that would enable you to get
inside a fellow's bead and clear out
the pains of the morning after, what
a blessing it .would be."
"Veil," sahHEarJ, "I fink that maybe
some day dose vacuum cleaner fellers
vlll Jo dot already. Vot?' Harper's
Weekly.
The Practical Goat.
M. Jules Itenard was the mayor of
Corbigny, In the Nlevre. Every Sun
day he contributed to the Journal de
Clamecy, and this is the sort of things
he used to give the peasants. Writing
of the Journal Offlclel, posted up on
tbe wall of the tnalrle and which no
one ever reads, he said:
"I had forgotten the goats. One of
them uever misses a number. Standing
on its hind legs, with its front legs
resting on the poster, it mores its
horus and beard from right to left,
like an old woman reading. When it
has Gnished reading, as tbe official
sheet has an appetizing smell of fresh
paste, the goat eats It After nourish
ing tbe mind one must feed tbe body.
Thus nothing is lost in tbe commune.
What a pity that all novel readers
have not the stomach of this practical
goat! They might then eat the books
they had read, buy more, and so tbe
man of letters would in the end be
able to eat In bis turn." Paris Letter
to London Globe.
The ff In ffarington.
Tbe spelling of tbe ancient name
ffarington with the small "ff" found
In old manuscripts Is merely tbe reten
tion or tbe old form of capital "P."
Deeds of conveyance in tbe time of
George II. and III. recite. "George of
Great Britain ffrance and Ireland
king." etc. Tbe form could not there
fore be due to ignorance, as has been
said, for in days when gentlemen of
estate were gentlemen of quality such
a spelling In deeds could hardly arise
from lack of a knowledge of spelling.
The ffaringtous of Worden Hall. Lan
cashire, prefer, like several other well
known families, including tbe flblkes
and ffrencbes, to retain tbe archaic
capital "ff." The family trace ibelr
descent from Hugo de Meolls. who
came to England with tbe Conqueror,
and they have been associated for
generations with tbe court, army and
church and with public life London
Court Journal.
A Queer Fish.
A male tisli which hatches the young
of its mate Is the Chromls pater
familias. It is tr.iuul in the I.:iUe
of Tiberias. I'alestine. Sttange to
say. this industrious lisli hatehes its
young In Its mouth. When the female
has spawned In the sand, the male
approaches and draws the ej;gs into
bis gills, where they remain until
batched, when they struggle out ot
their confinement into the parent's
mouth. As many as UOO perfect
young are sometimes found In the
mouth of an adult male. How the
fish manages to feed Itself without
swallowing the youug is a mystery.
Tbe grown fish is about seven inches
long and one and three-quarters wide.
Its back Is olive green, shot with
blue, and tbf lielly is silver white,
marked with green and blue. Near
ancient Capernaum some hot springs
form a small stream which runs into
the lake, and it Is in these warm
waters that the chromis abounds.
No Common Dog.
Gentleman (to dog dealer) I gave
you a high price for this dog last week
because you warranted it to be a good
bouse dog. My house was broken
into last night, and the dog never even
barked.
Dog Dealer No. sir; I quite believes
yer. He was too busy lookiu' for tbe
burglars, so as to be able to identify
em. to even think of barklu. If you
was out with this 'ere dog aud was to
meet 'em burglars he'd know 'em in
a minute. He ain't uo common barkiu'
dog; he's a reg'ier 'tectlve au' worth
'Is weigh: iu gold, he is. Loudon
Answers.
Plant That Feigns Death.
In South America there Is a plant.
a species of mimosa, which resorts to
, death feigning, evidently for the pur
" pose ot preventing grass eating ani
mals from eating it. In its natural
state this plant has a vivid green
hue. but directly it is touched by a
human Auger or by any living animal
it collapses Into a tangle of apparently
dead and withered stems. Among
British wild plants tbe most sensitive
to touch is the insectivorous sundew
of English bogs. London Globe.
Kind Critics.
"How did Jones get such a reputa
tion both as a singer and an artist?"
"He sang before tbe Painters' club
and painted pictures for the Mu
sicians' union." Cleveland Leader.
Reason Enough.
"Why does she think he has such a
splendid future?"
"Because she bas promised to marry
him. 1 guess." Houston Post
Not Her Fault.
Mrs. Lapsliug was expressing ber re
gret that she had been unable on ac
count of Illness to be present at the
funeral of a neighbor.
"1 always feel." she said, "that I
ought to attend the obloquies of a
friend, but I just couldn't go." Chica
go Tribune.
A fool's heart Is in his tongue, but a
wise man's tongue is In his heart
Quarles.
Captain Bartletfs Three Cheers.
A series of Revolutionary scenes
were given in a London theater some
months after the close of that memo
rable war. On the one side was the
English army In full red coated uni
form, with every button In its exact
place Opposite them was the Ameri
can army, composed, as the theater bill
stated, of "artisans, cobblers and tink
ers," arrayed in their working dress,
with buttons of every size and hue.
When tbe curtain dropped. Captain
Bartlett of Plymocth. Mass.. the cap
tain of a ship then in port, stood up In
his seat in tbe pit and. In a voice as if
given from a quarterdeck in a squall,
called, "Three cheers for tbe artisans,
cobblers and tinkers who were too
much for King George and his red
coats," and. with a wave of his hat, he
gave these with a will. For a short
time there was silence in the theater,
followed by an enthusiastic John Bull
appreciative cheer for the pluck and
assurance of the Yankee captain, who
became tbe lion of tbe city, receiving
invitations to clubs and free tickets to
theatrical and other entertainments
while be remained In port.
Just a Little Too Smart.
A scrubwoman in a Paris theater
found a maguiticent diamond stom
acher in a box in sweeping up. The
honest old soul determined to restore
the stomacher to its owner, and the
owner, of course, wasu't long in turn
ing up, a young woman splendidly
dressed and on the verge of hysteria.
"Oh. have you found my stomacher?"
she cried. "It is a chef d'oeuvre of
Laliquc of the Place Vendome." "Calm
yourself, niadaiue." said the scrubwo
man. "Here is your stomacher." And
she produced it from her iocket The
other took out a fifty dollar bill, press
ed it on the honest scrubwoman aud
departed with her stomacher hurried
ly. But an hour later another lady
called. "Have you found my stom
acher?" she asked, smiling. "I think 1
left it in my box." "Why, yes, ma
dame, but if it was your stomacher.
said the scrubwoman, "a thief bas got
it. She got it this morning. She gave
me 50 reward." "Why, the stomacher
was imitation." tbe lady said. "It only
cost $5. Your thief is $45 out"
Mr. Gladstone's Catch.
"How many members of this bouse,
asked Mr. Gladstoue once in tbe course
of a debate on electoral qualifications,
"cau divide 1,3.K) 17s. (Jd. by 2 13s.
Sd.?"
"Six hundred and ufty-elgbt," shout
ed one member.
"The thing cannot be done." exclaim
ed another.
A roar of laughter greeted this last
remark. But it was true nevertheless.
You cannot multiply or divide money
by money. You may repeat a smaller
sum of money as many times as it Is
contained in a larger sum of money,
but that is a very different thing. If
you repeat 5 shillings as often as there
are hairs in a horse's tail you do not
multiply 5 .shillings by a horse's tall.
Perhaps you did not know this before.
Never mind; you need not be ashamed
of your ignorance, for it was shared,
as has been demonstrated, by tbe en
tire bouse of commons (bar one mem
ber), including tbe then chancellor of
the exchequer.
Hunter and Hunted.
A nearsighted sportsman strolled
into a little hotel on the shores of
Loch Carrou and complainingly said.
"Just seen a seal, shot at it three
times aud missed it each time."
At dinner an hour later be sat next
to a tourist who bad a bandage round
bis bead.
"Had an accident?" asked the sports
man. "Accident!" growled the other. "At
tempted murder, you mean. I was
having a bath about an hour ago when
some lunatic with a gun Gred at me
three times from the shore and shot
part of my ear off. I Ilon't know why
such animals are allowed out without
a license."
Then silence reigned supreme. Lon
don Telegraph.
Lavishness.
"In days of old luxurious people had
cloth of gold placed beneath their
feet"
"Yes," replied Mr. Chuggins. "But
those times were comparatively eco
nomical. Now we want nothing less
expensive than rubber tires between
us and the earth." Washington Star.
There Was No Music
"What is tbe greatest Ob that ever
impressed itself on your experience.
Snapper?"
"Well, by all odds, the worst one I
ever beard was that your quartet per
petrated last night when they came
round to the house and sang There's
Music In the Air.'"
The Terms of Exchange.
"We wish to arrange for an ex
change of prisoners," announced the
South American dictator.
"On what basis?" inquired the lead
er of the other side.
"The usual basis eight generals for
a good, husky private." Louisville
Courier-Journal.
Quick Sprint
Sandy Pikes Dat rich guy in de
bungalow took quite a.faucy to me.
He took me around to de stable, show
ed me de $j.0U0 bulldog he bad Just
bought and asked me If I could beat It
Gritty George And what did you say?
Sandy Pikes Nuttln'. I Just beat It
Chicago News.
Difference Defined.
Mrs. Mucbwed (reading paper) Can
you tell me the difference between a
visit and a visitatlou? Mr. Mucbwed
(dryly) A visitation, ray dear. If one
may judge by the spelling, is some
thing longer than a visit. For Instance,
when your mother comes to see us it
would be correct to call it a visitatlou
Character.
Character is not cut in marble it is
not something solid and unalterable. It
is something living aud changing and
may become diseased as our bodies do.
George Eliot.
Was Willing.
Smith You and Jones don't seem to
be as friendly as you were. Does he
owe you money? Brown No. not ex
actly, but he wanted to.
Mark Twain's Profanity.
When Mark Twain began to write
tor the Atlantic Monthly he cam will
ingly under its rules, for with all his
willfulness there never was a more
biddable man In tilings you could show
him a reason for. He never made the
least ot that trouble which so abounds
for tbe hapless editor from narrower
minded contributors. If you wanted
a thing changed, very good, he chang
ed It; if you suggested that n word or
a sentence or a itarograph bad better
be struck out. very good, be struck It
out His proof sheets came back each
a veritable "mush ot concession." as
Emerson says. Now and then be
would try a little stronger language
than the Atlantic had stomach for,
and once when 1 sent him a proof 1
made him observe that 1 bad left out
tbe profanity. He wrote back: "Mrs.
Clemens opened that proof and lit Into
the room with danger In ber eye
What profanity? You see, when I
read the manuscript to her 1 skipped
Ihat" It was part of bis Joke to
pretend a violence In that gentlest
creature which all tbe more amusing
ly realized tbe situation to their
friends. W. D. Howells In Harper's
Magazine.
Odd Shaving Habits.
it Is said that of men who shave
themselves not one in fifty can use the
razor with both bands, and to this
may be added other curious facts
about the shaving habits of the aver
age man.
There Is tbe president of a trust
company In New York who, he tells
bis friends, always shaves himself
standing in a corner of the room and
facing tbe wait He was a poor coun
try boy and. like most boys, bought u
razor on the sly. There was no mir
ror In his bedroom and rather than
let his people know what he was about
be faced tbe wall and scraped away
by sense of feeling. Once accustomed
to this method he never needed a glass.
There is a United States senator,
formerly a farmer, who for many
years shaved himself sitting on a milk
ing stool and looking at his reflection
In a bucket ot water. That was what
be did us a boy and man on the farm,
and he says that he couldn't shave
standing up. New York Tribune.
Tolerance In Coins.
The mint allows a certain degree of
"tolerance" in coins. For example, the
gold double eagle's standard weight is
51G grains, aud tbe "tolerance" allowed
Is half u grain. A coin of this denom
ination may weigh as little as 51H(t
grains or as much as 516& grains, bnt
never less than tbe first nor more
than the second figure. Tbe standard
weight of the silver half dollar is 192.9
grains, and the tolerance allowed Is 1.5
grains. This coin may weigh as little
as 191.4 grains and as much as 194.4
grains, but never less than tbe first
nor more than tbe second figure. Tbe
standard fineness of all gold and silver
coins Is 900. In tbe gold coins a devia
tion of only one one-thousandth from
this Is allowed and In the silver coins
of only three one-thousandth. Tbe so
called five cent nickel coin Is really
only 25 per cent nickel, tbe rest being
copper. One cent pieces are 95 per
cent copper and 5 per cent tin and
zinc. Philadelphia Becord.
Sir Walter Scott's Debts.
Tbe Ballantyne failure threw upon
Sir Walter Scott tbe responsibility for
130.000. or $050,000. and tbe grand old
man Immediately set about the mighty
task of paying it; but notwithstanding
tbe most heroic efforts on bis pact, be
never succeeded in paying It all. He
did the best be could, but he bad to
depend solely upon bis writings, and
tbe task was more than mortal man
could accomplish. As his powers fail
ed be became possessed of the idea
that all his debts were paid and that
he was a free man. and In this belief
be happily remained till bis death.
New York American.
Better Dream On.
"Isn't that a perfect dream of a
hat?" she demanded of tbe man by
her side.
"1 said." she repeated after some
seconds of silence. "Isn't that a dream
of a hat?"
Still silence from the man. Then
she ventured reproachfully:
"Why don't you say something?'
"My dear, you seemed to enjoy your
dream so that 1 was afraid of waking
you up." the man then replied.
Th Psalms.
Many years ago a new clergyman
was taking Sunday duty In a remote
hamlet among tbe Yorkshire wolds.
After morning service the old clerk
came up to him and observed: "So ye
calls them 'Sauums,' do ye? Koo, we
sever knew what to make o that 'ere
P. We alius calls 'em Spasms.'"
London Scraps.
In the Stilly Night
"What Is it?" the druggist sleepily
inquired from his bedroom window.
"This ish drug store, ain't It?" asked
the man who had rung tbe nlgbt bell.
"Yes. What do you want?'
"Want to look in your city directory
minute an' shee where 1 live." Phila
delphia Ledger.
Expanding.
The Old Priend-1 understand that
your practice Is getting bigger. The
Young Doctor That's true. My patient
bas gained nearly two pounds In tbe
last month.
Grit
Grit is the grain of character. It may
generally be described as heroism ma
terializedspirit and will thrust into
heart brain and backbone, so as to
form part of tbe physical substance of
the man. Whipple.
Same Effect
Innis Do I love her? Why. man, V
can't sleep nights for thinking about
her. Owens That's not proof positive.
I get the same effect from my tailor's
bills. Boston Transcript
Discouraging.
Jester Poor old Skinflint bas his
troubles! Jlmson What! Why. he's
making barrels and barrels of money.
Jester 1 know, but the price of barrels
bas gone up.
Happiness Is not found in self con
templation; it is perceived only when
it is reflected from another. Johnson.
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5t2Jlee ffiy CLOTHES'
It is just simply out of
the question for a young
fellow to find such clothes
as those known as "Col
lege Chap" unless he comes
to us.
The shoulders, thegrace
ful waist, the delightful
lapels, all proclaim them
the clothes "de luxe" for
men who know cleverness
when they see it. Are you
one of these men? We
want to know you.
GREISEN BROS.
Columbus, Neb.
"Black art," Read Agent
Charles EL Bolles. known to fame as
"Black Bart" was Incomparably the
most conspicuous character In the his
tory of western stage robbers. From
1875 to 1883 "Black Bart" is known to
have committed twenty-seven stage
robberies single banded. Northern Cal
ifornia stage drivers stood in constant
fear of this uulque desperado. On va
rious occasions the drivers were able
to give a good description of bis figure,
hair, feet and bands, yet no clew to his
actual Identity was gained during tbe
eight years of bis stage robbing ca
reer. He was finally betrayed by a
laundry mark on a cuff which had
dropped from his wrist when opening
a treasure box which be bad taken
from a Wells Fargo stage In San Joa
quin valley. When be was finally cap
tured In San Francisco tbe detectives
were amazed to find tbe famous
"Black Bart" a slight quiet mannered
man of fifty-live, familiar In face to all
the San Francisco detectives. He bad
for years frequented a little restau
rant near police 'headquarters where
many of the detectives dined. W. C
Jenkins In National Magazine.
Got It at Last
It is told of a distinguished profes
sor of history that, in an address before
a woman's club on "Obscure Heroes
of the French Revolution," be bad
reached the point where one of them,
nobly resolved to essay tbe rescue of
a friend doomed to the guillotine,
sought a parting Interview with bis
sweetheart before making the almost
hopeless attempt The professor bad
a moving voice and was eloquent The
assembly of women, many of them al
ready near tears, bung breathless upon
his words.
"Biddy, dlddy," said be pathetically,
then coughed slightly and went back.
"HWdy biddy" Something was evi
dently amiss. He tried again.
"Biddy biddy dlddy doo."
By this time tbe ladles looked puz
zled and tbe orator desperate. Draw
ing a long breath and speaking with
painful deliberation, he at length con
quered the elusive syllables and said:
"Did he bid adieu?' Youth's Com
panion. Unconscious Humor.
Hark Twain, as an example of un
conscious humor, used to quote a Hart
ford woman who said one day In tbe
late spring:
"My husband is tbe dearest fellow.
"Jim. 1 said to him this morning,
"are you very bard up just now?
" '1 certainly am bard up,' be replied
soberly. This high cost of living Is
terrible. I don't know what I'm going
to do.'
"Then. Jim.' said 1. 'I'll give up all
thought of going to tbe country for
July and August this year.'
"But the dear fellow's face changed,
and be said:
"'Indeed, then, you won't darling.
I thought you wanted to buy a bat
with an algret or some such foolish
ness. No. no. my darling! Jim can
always find tbe money to let bis dear
little wife go to the country. Wash
ington Star.
A Persian Hotel.
Some years ago ao effort was made
to establish a European hotel at the
Junction of tbe two most traveled
roads of Persia. Each room of this ho
tel contained some articles which I at
least have never found In any hotel
In either Europe or America. Among
them were a nightcap, a hairbrush
and a toothbrush. Perhaps it was on
account ot this extravagance that the
scheme failed. An American mission
ary as be was leaving this hotel one
morning was asked by a servant what
be bad done with the hotel hairbrush.
This dignified man In clerical attire
with bis wife and children was pre
vented from leaving tbe hotel until It
was ascertained that be bad spoken
the truth when be said that be threw
the brush under the bed to scare away
a cat Mrs. Colqunoun in Los Angeles
Times.
GIGANTIC TREE STUMPS.
If Enough te to Hellewee Out and
Used For Houses,
The fine firs of the Pacific northwest
are so colossal that after tbe trees are
hewed down tbe stumps are used for
children's playgrounds, houses for fam
ilies to live In or for dancing plat
forms. To make a stump house tbe material
from the Interior Is removed, leaving
only enough to form walls of suitable
thickness. A roof of boards or shin
gles Is put over tbe top of the stump,
boles are cut for windows and doors,
and a family of five can and often
does make It their dwelling. Tbe
stump bouses are sometimes used by
settlers until they can build larger and
more convenient homes.
After the stump home bas been va
cated It Is turned Into a stable for the
horses or sometimes Into an Inclosure
for chickens or bogs.
Next to tbe big tree of California the
fir or sequoia of Washington and Ore
gon has the largest diameter. As they
decay rapidly, the hollowing out Is
easy. Sometimes they are used for
dance platforms, some of them accom
modating as many as four couples.
Another custom Is to turn tbe big
stumps into playgrounds for the chil
dren. The children reach the top by
pieces of wood nailed against the sides
or by ladders. A beautiful use of tbe
large stumps is making them into flow,
er beds and covering them with trail
ing vines. Chicago Tribune.
THE WAISTCOAT.
it
Became Popular by the Patronage
of Charles II.
Few men realize bow much they are
being influenced In their dress by Klug
Charles 11.. and yet It Is to that mon
arch we owe tbe adoption of tbe waist
coat as a regular article of gentle
man's dress, says London M. A. P.
At least that Is so if we are to accept
the statement of Pepys. who In his
diary under date of Oct. 16. lGCtf.
states: "Tbe king bas declared bis res
olution to set a fashion which he
would never alter." and "This day
King Charles II. began to put ou bis
vest It Is a very fine and handsome
garment"
Prior to this date they were excep
tional garments, and there is even
some doubt whether they were orig
inally worn by ladles or gentlemen,
though there is good reason to believe
they superseded the doublet such as
was worn by Kalelgb. Essex and other
notables of tbe Elizabethan age.
A neat waistcoat "wrought In silk
and gold" is mentioned In "Patient
Grlssell." 1002. and there Is a painting
in 'distemper of a vest on tbe walls of
Winchester cathedral, dated 1489. so
that what Charles II. took was merely
an existing garment, which be re
modeled, and by bis patronage so pop
ularized It that It became a standard
article of gentleman's dress.
Clever Reasoning.
Rather an original lesson In political
economy was that once taugbt by tbe
Japanese uoblemau Awoto und thus
translated by Sir Edwin Aruold in
"Seas and lands:"
One evening as be was going to tbe
palace to take bis turn In keeping tbe
night watch he let teu cash drop nut
of his tinder case into tbe stream and
then bought fifty cash worth of torches
to search for tbe lost coin. His friends
laughed at him for spending so much
In order to recover so little, and be re
plied, with a frown:
"Sirs, you are foolish and Ignorant of
economics. Had 1 not sought for these
ten cash they would have been lost
forever sunk in tbe bottom of tbe
Namerigawa. The fifty cash which I
have expended on torches will remain
In the bands of tbe tradesman. Wheth
er be bas them or I Is no matter, but
not a single one of tbe sixty bas been
lost, and that Is a clear gain to the
country."
Wedding Ring Mottoes.
When posies or mottoes Inscribed
inside wedding rings were first Intro
duced does not seem to be kuown.
but from tbe sixteenth century until
the middle of tbe eighteenth It was
customary to have tbetn engraved on
rings. These mottoes seldom consist
ed of more than two lines of a verse,
often of only one, but there are a
few Instances known where three
lines were used. Some of these posies
are very quaint and curious, and a
few reach a high staudard of poetic
beauty. Tbe South Kensington mu
seum bas a good collection of posy
rings, and among them. are tbe fol
lowing Inscriptions: "United hearts
death only parts;" "Let us share In
Joy and care;" "Love and live hap
pily." Londou Standard.
The" Sun.
It Is computed that tbe temperature
of tbe sun would be expressed by 18,
000 degrees of Fahrenheit's thermome
ter, or about ninety times tbe tempera
tare of boiling water. This Is about
five times the temperature that man Is
able to produce by artificial means.
The light given off from tbe surface of
tbe sun Is reckoned as being 5,300
times more Intense than that of thu
molten metal in a Bessemer converter,
though that Is of an almost blinding
brilliancy, or. If we compare It with
the oxyhydrogen flame, the sun sheds
a light equal In brilliancy to 146 times
the intensity of tbe limelight
The Cause.
"Did you hear the awful shriek that
engine gave as It flew by?' asked the
first man as tbey approached a rail
road crossing. .
"Yes. What caused It?' rejoined bis
companion.
"I presume the engineer had It by
the throttle." Smart Set.
A Mean Retort
"There goes a man 1 could have mar
ried. she said softly.
"Yes." be chuckled, "and I notice
that be keeps on going as though be
were afraid you might try It again."
Detroit Free Press.
Way It Goes.
"Could you give a starving
work?
"Yes; I need a girl to scrub."
"Too bad; this girl's a parlor M,"
'Washington Herald.
The small
the great eaaobto It
Pioneer Crude Oil Burner Company
Incorporated under tbe laws of Oklahoma Capital Stock $90,000.00
On account of our being delayed about secur
ing oil, we have not been placing any additional
Crude Oil Burner, but now that we have our
storage completed and plenty of oil on hand, we
will begin the work of installing burners at once.
Every burner is sold under a positive guarantee
that they will give satisfaction, or they need not
be accepted. Ask those who are using them and
also come to the tent west of the SfTnurston and
see them demonstrated.
Yorkshire Men's Fingers.
A Yorkshire man and a Lancashire
man were conversing together the
other day. Tbe Lancashire muu said
to tbe Yorkshire man. "Well. Bill, do (
ju nuuw iue uest way to una a xors
sblre man's lost fingers?
"No." says BUI.
"Well, I will tell you what happened
at our place the other day. Yorkshire
Dun bad two of bis fingers cut off
with a steam saw. and they got lost
auioug tbe sawdust, and two of my
mates were down on their bands and
kuees looking for them when tbe fore
iiiuu came up and asked what they
were doing. One of them said:
' Ye are looking for Dan's fingers.'
Ob. come out of the road,' said the
foreman. That's not the way to find a
Yorkshire man's fingers,' at tbe same
time taking a shilling out of his pocket
and throwing It among the sawdust,
wheti tbe two fingers at once popped
up after it.
" Tl-e!' said the foreman. 'That's
tbe wuy to find a Yorkshire man's lost
fingers.' "Pearson's.
Providing For His Quests.
Two men stopped at the store of a
haberdasher who displayed In bis
showcase a Job lot of collars at 5
cents apiece. One of them bought two
dozen. In sizes ranging from 15 to 17.
His friend politely controlled his sur
prise at discovering that tbe broker
wore five cent collars and inquired only
about tbe elastic neck. The purchaser
said:
"We live In tbe suburbs. Friends
who visit us and remain overnight
unexpectedly want clean collars the
next morning. It depletes my own
stock too far to keep furnishing these.
I can't always supply a comfortable
size either. Of course the collars nev
er come back. Since I discovered the
scheme of five cent collars I can pick
up anybody, take him borne with me
and Inform him that he need not bring
any luggage, because one of my wife's"
beneficences includes five cent tooth
brushes for the wayfarer." New York
Sun.
A Martyr to Art
"Which tooth?' Inquired tbe man of
forceps grimly.
"Any one you like," responded the
victim calmly, "so long as it's a front
one."
"But" began the astounded dentist.
"Hurry up!" thundered the visitor.
With bleeding heart the operator
bitched bis forceps on to a bit of ab
solutely sound ivory, dragged bis pa
tient three times around the room
and
"Hey. presto!" smiled the dentist.
"It's out! But will you be so good as
to tell me why on earth you wanted a
sound tooth extracted?"
"By all meanth." responded tbe pa
tient "You thee, I'm an actor, and I
nave to take a part where the tbpeak
er lithpth. At firtht I couldn't matbter
It, but now I'm thure it'll be a thimply
thcreamlng thuctheth!"
Looking For "the Crazy Ones."
A woman got off a Darby car at
Thirty-fourth street and Woodland
avenue the other day, entered the uni
versity campus and started toward
College ball, walking with brisk deter
mination, yet looking wonderingly
about ber tbe while.
In front of the library a university
youth met ber. and she accosted him
quickly.
"Young man," she said, "will you
please tell me where tbey keep the
crazy ones?'
"Wh-what? stammered the college
man.
She repeated her question in some
what different form.
"I want tbe insane department." she
said. "I have a friend who is a nurse
there. I thought I'd make ber a little
visit Isn't this the Philadelphia hos
pital?' Philadelphia Times.
!,ej'c?!"'5sSi"rT
fl''ttBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB9r
Better Plumbing
I
TVTANY homes should have better bath rooms
x than they now have. We have always
tned not only to do better
plumbing than we ever did
before, but better than any
body else can do. The vol
ume of work we are now
doing shows how we are suc
ceeding. We use only genuine JbatmT
plumbing fixtures and employ only
experienced workmen. Our repair
ing service is prompt and reliable.
A. DUSSELL
I
Col
M. VOGEL,
Etiquette and Danger.
'"Ezra," said the farmer's wife, "I
wish tou wouldu't lean your elbers on
th' luble."
"lub." sneered the farmer, "gettln
fastiderous. ain't you? Mebby yov'li
be waruin' me next to keep my knife
outen uiy mouth an tellin me not to
cool my teu in my sasser. But my
granther kep bis elbers on th' table,
an' so did my father, an, by heck, I'm
goln to lean on it us hard an as long
S I dun please, so there!"
wVheretiiHin lie leaned bard, so hard
that the ancient table suddenly col
lapsed aud sprawled out Its legs and
went down with a frightful crash of
crockery.
"Well, you've gone an done it now!"
screamed tbe old lady. "That's a pret
ty mess, ain't It? Ef you'd bad th'
sense of a chipmunk you'd have know
ed th reason 1 didn't want you to lean
en th table wuz 'cause th"legs wuz
rickety. Au' 1 guess a little etiquette
wouldn't hurt you none anyway. Ezra
Doolittle. to say notbln of savin' 92
wutb of family crockery."
And the disgusted farmer stumbled
out from the sceue of wreckage and
chased a liarui'ess tramp three miles
I down the road with an ax handle.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Handicapped.
Englishmen use their bands compara
tively little iu conversation, but French
men use them a good deal. Quaintly
enough. Purislaus buve a very keen
sense of the exaggerated way In which
the southern Frenchman and tbe Ital
ian help ou what tbey have to say
with their hands, and this accounts
for the following story:
An Italian railway thief was caught
redhauded In the traln handcuffed and
brought to Paris. As he was walking
out of tbe Gare de Lyon between two
detectives a friend met him.
"Hello!" be said. "Where have you
been this long time, and how are you?"
Tbe prisoner looked at him pathet
ically aud shook bis bead.
"What's tbe matter?" said bis friend.
"Have you been stricken dumb?'
Tbe prisoner raised bis handcuffed
hands. "Very nearly," be said. Lon
don M. A. P.
Room and Board For Single Gentleman
"So. Belinda, I hear you aud 'Doc'
have parted company. Couldn't you
get along?"
"No'um; least I couldn't. D'ye know
that low down nigger just ma'ied me
fo my niouey?"
"No?" I said.
"Yas'm. He saw all them things in
my pa'lor. sllber butter dishes and
crayon portraits that you and the otbe
white ladies gl me, and be Just
thought he was goln' to set In there
and smoke while I washed and l'ned.
And I had a big burial insurance, too.
and he kuowed that So I jes natch
ully tu'ued him out"
"Yes." I said. "But I thought I saw
him going in your back gate last
week."
"Ob. to be sure! He's round, but
he's Jes' boa'din' with me now."
Ladles' Home Journal.
Not Mere Talk.
"I cannot live but a week louger wlz
out you."
"Foolish talk. duke. How can you
fix on a specific length of time?"
"fce landlord fix on it. miss, not I."
Loutsvllle Courier-Journal.
Easily Convinced.
Would Be Contributor (at editor's
desk) Here's a joke. Mr. Editor, that
I'll guarantee was never in print be
fore. Editor mfter reading it)-Dou't
doubt your word in the least, sir. Lou
don Tit-Bits.
The Outlet
Physiology Teacher Clarence, you
may explain how we hear thiugs. Oar
eocePa tells 'em to ma as a seert.
and ma gives 'em away at the bridge
Huh. rievelii ml Leader.
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