t
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ftl
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it
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11
Route Nd. 1.
Willie Luscbe commenced plowing
Monday.
Miss May Reed visited from Saturday
until Monday at Valley witb Miss Intz
Beck.
John Osborn has moved into Colum
bus and Dan Martley of Dodge county
moves on to tbe old sheep ranch.
Carrier No. 1 is again serving patrons
on that portion of tbc route be was com
pelled to abandon during the winter.
Route No. 4.
A party of tbe youug folks gathered
at tbe home of Carl Mnyberger last Fri
day evening and enjoyed u very pleasant
time.
Mm. Oarl Mayberger was called to
Denver last week on account of the seri
ous sickness of hr sister, Mrs. John
Norder.
H. T. Phillips moveil from the Sheldon
frm to the Freeman place, where he
will live until he goes to Canada, in
about a month.
Ghas Qoasman moved nn to the Gen
tleman farm, near Platte Center, which
be purchased recently, and Adolph
Schiltz moves on to tbe fjossuinn farm.
Mrs. Olive Cooper, who bus been visit
ing friends and ber parent?, Mr. and
Mrs. W. F. Dodde. for the ln-t two
months, leaves Friday for her home at
Monaco, Penn.
Advertised Letters.
Following is a list of unclaimed mail
matter remaining in the post ollice at
Columbus, Nebraska, for the period end
ing March 0. lillo:
Letters Forest Ander&on. Mra C
Davidson, A K Ilensley, Hainan Jone?,
F H King, George Kimbioiigh.
Cards Denny Calhoun, Albert Filse,
.lohann Hegerl, Mrs August Meier, MrQ
E E Mills, Mrs G C Smith.
Parties calling for any of the above
will please say advertised
CaHI. KlCAMRIt, P. M.
' Hard to Kili.
The Hawaiian Islands have always
been famed for their freedom from
snakes. People and animals could
wander with impunity through val
leys and over hills and mountains. An
importation arrived on the steamship
Aluiueda from California that might
have put an end to such delightful
serenity. This was the arrival of three
flimsy boxes containing fourteen large
living snakes, live uf them rattlers,
puder a rule such animals arriving in
the territory of Hawaii are ordered to
be Immediately destroyed or deported.
"In the destruction of these snakes,"
says the narrator, "we had a surpris
ing experience. I plaeed the boxes iu
one of our fumigating chambers and
applied a charge of double density of
hydrocyanic acid gas. The snakes
were still alive at the cud of fifteen
minutes, whereas if they had been
warm blooded animals they would
have succumbed iu a less number of
seconds. They were again shut up,
and a quadruple charge of the same
deadly gas was administered. At the
end of one hour and a half the fiiinl
gajor was opened, and several of the
suakes still showed signs of life. We
theu immersed them iu 13 per cent al
cohol. Thai soon put an end to their
venomous existence." Youth's Com
panion. Well Placed Generosity.
In 1S33 Liszt went ou a tour in the
French provinces. He arrived at the
little towu of L. to give a concert, as
announced. Hut the inhabitants ap
peared to take but little interest in
musical matters, for when the musi
cian appeared on the platform he
fouud himself face to face with an au
dience numbering exactly seven per
sons. Liszt stepped very calmly to the
trout, and, bouing respectfully to the
array of empty benches, he delivered
himself as follows:
"Ladies 'and gentlemen, I feel ex
tremely flattered by your presence
here this evening, but this room is not
at all suitable; the air is literally sti
fling. Will you be good enough to ac
company me to my hotel, where I will
have the piano conveyed? We shall be
quite comfortable there, and I will go
through tbe whole of my program."
The offer was unanimously accepted,
and Liszt treated his guests not only
to a splendid concert, but an excellent
supper luto the bargain. Xext day
when the illustrious virtuoso appeared
to give his second concert the hall was
not large'enough to contain the crowd
which claimed admittance.
The Diagnosis.
The disastrous results of interfer
ence by relatives iu tbe course of
courtships was well exemplified iu the
case of a young Baltimore couple not
long ago. They had been engaged for
some time when it became generally
known that the affair was at an cud.
"Whit was the trouble. .lack?" an
Intimate friend asked the youth, who,
by the way, is a recent medical grad
uate. "Well, as it was nothing relating to
Nau personally, I dou't know why I
shouldn't tell you." he replied, with a
sigh.
"1 suppose it was some outside in
fluence you seemed to fairly dote on
ber." tbe friend commented.
"I did." the dejected lover replied.
"She is the sweetest little girl in the
world, but terribly fond of her rela
tives. Her old maid aunt from Kan
sas came along the other day and an
nounced that she was going to live
with us after we were married, and
well she proved an antidote." Detroit
Free Press.
The Chinese Way.
In its wars with England ami France
in 1S59-G0 Chiua was easily conquered
and forced to a humiliating peace. The
Pekiu Gazette, the official organ of
the government, however, reported the
followiug concerning that treaty of
peace:
"As tbe western barbarians have ad
mitted their wrougs and humbly so
licited for peace, the emperor iu his
infinite goodness has granted their
prayer and. moreover, has made them
a present of a large sum of mouey (in
demnity of war) to enable them to be
gin an honest life, so that they may
not again be driven to murder and
rapine."
. Ths Crush.
It was at an afternoon tea, with the
isual musical accompaniment. The
man's man bad been literally dragged
there, an unwilling victim, by a zeal
ous friend who liked afternoon teas
with a musical accompaniment Need
less to say, the zealous friend was a
ladies' man.
The man's man was very unhappy.
He bad sulked and bad positively re
fused to be introduced to the bevy of
charming girls presiding at the tee
tables, much to tbe chagrin of the la
dies' man, who naturally couldn't un
derstand the attitude of tbe man's
man. It was inexorable, from his point
of view. But a ray of hope glim
mered in his breast when the man's
man rushed up to him, exclaiming:
"I say, old fellow, introduce me to
the fat lady sitting over in the comer,
will you?"
The eyes of the ladles' man glis
tened. "With the greatest of pleasure," he
cried. "Have you got a crush on her?"
"So," replied the man's man savage
ly. "I should say it Avas quite the
other way. She's sitting on my hat!"
Philadelphia Ledger.
He Saw More Lights.
In one of the hotels recently some
new elecl-lc lights were put iu use iu
a decorative way. A youug mau who
lives on the hill happened iu during
the evening and noticed the lights.
"They're very nice," he said to the
head waiter, "but why didn't you
put up more?"
The head waiter, knowing the young
man's f iiidness for articles enumerat
ed on the wine list, replied, "I think
you'll see more of them before you
leave, Mr. So-and-so."
The youug mau remained iu the cafe
a couple of hours and imbibed rather
freely of liquid refreshments. When
he got ready to leave he sought the
head waiter.
"Much obliged to you," he said.
"Did you put the exlra ones iu fr
me?"
"Certainly," replied the head waiter,
bowing.
The young man left tbe hotel feel
ing greatly honored. Denver Post.
Suppressing Swearing.
Profane as well as legal oaths have
been the subject of many parliamen
tary measures iu England. No fewer
than five separate bills having the
prevention of swearing for their ob
ject were presented during the reign
of .lames I., but it was not until UtTJ
that an enactment was finally carried
defining and controlling the offense.
Iu llKIT a public department was es
tablished to collect the fines enforced
by this law. The officials of this de
partment, of whom one was npjMiutcd
iu every parish, were allowed 2s. M.
iu the pound on the money thus col
lected, and the balance was paid over
to the bishop for the benefit of Un
deserving poor. These penalties ceased
to be enforced after the restoration,
but were revived by a statute of Wil
liam and Mary and still further in
creased under George II. Loudon
Scraps.
Fire.
Max Beerbohufs book "Yet Again"
opens with the essay ou "Fire."
"Fire in uiy grate." he writes, "is as
terrible a thing as when It was lit by
my ancestors night after night at the
mouths of their caves to scare away
the ancestors of my dog. And my dog
regards it with the old wonder and
misgiving. Even in his sleep he ojieus
ever and again oue eye to see that we
are iu no danger. And the fire glow
ers ami roars through its bars at him
with the scorn that a wild beast must
needs have for a tame one. You are
free,' it rages, 'and yet you do not
spring at that man's throat and tear
him limb from limb and make a meal
of him.' And. gazing at me, it licks
its red lips, and I, laughiug good
huinoredly. rise and give the mouster
a shovelful of its proper food, which
it leaps at and noisily devours."
The First Pantomime.
The first pantomime introduced to
the English stage was "Tavern Bil
kers" and was by John Weaver. This
was iu the year 1702. it was produced
at Drury Lane. The great lustitutor of
pantomime iu England was, however.
John Itlce, who devised this forui of
entertainment in 1717. His first em
phatic success was in 1724, when he
produced "The Necromancer; or. His
tory of Dr. Faustus." So successful
was Itieh with his pantomimes that
Garrick, tiuhi and others became ex
asperated. Bich lived to see panto
mimes firmly established at Drury
Lane and Covent Garden. He died in
17CI. London Stage.
Not a Bouncer.
"Mother," said a six-year-old hope
ful, "isn't it funny that everybody
calls little brother a bouncing baby?"
"Why do you think it's funny, Wil
lie?" remarked his mother.
"Because when 1 dropped him on
the floor this morning he didn't bounce
a bit. ne only hollered."
A Mean Suggestion.
Pierrot The only way for a man to
nuderstaud women is to get married.
Pierette And study the ways of his
wife, eh? Pierrot No. Listen to
what she tells him about the other
women.
The Spenders.
"How are you getting along, Jones,
since you got married? Saving any
money?"
"Yes, but for heaven's sake don't tell
my wife." Judge's Library.
Descriptive.
"Is be broke?"
"Broke! Why, his assets rattle
arouud in his liabilities like a pea iu ;i
coal bucket" St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
"Couldn't Wa!k.
Wifey You told ma the other day
we must avoid all luxuries and con
fine ourselves to absolute necessities
only. Hubby That's so, my dear.
Wifey Well, last night you came home
from the club in a cab. Hubby -Yes.
but that was an absolute necessity.
Fliegende Blatter.
Not an Earthquake.
Mrs. Houser (bearing tremendous
noise in the kitchen) Great goodness.
Jane, what was that, an earthquake
6hock? Jane (calmly picking up the
pieces of glass) No, mum; ouly a lit
tle jar.
NORTH Theatre
Monday, March 14
Weekly return of the
WM. GREW PLAYERS
in the great farce comedy
'IsMarriagtaFailwt?"
Popular Prices 25c, 35c, 50c
Come out if you want to Laugh
COMING
Tolly of the Circus"
Thursday, March 14
The Girl from tne Golden West
Saturday, March 26
Music Writing Made Easy.
Mile. Salle was In the eighteenth
century the most accomplished and
fascinating balleteuse at tbe famous
French Oiera. In addition to her oth
er qualifications, she played and sang
with extraordinary artistic skill and
depth of expression. She once con
fided to Uameau, tbe noter musician,
that her ardent wish was to be able to
compose and asked him to give her a
few lessons iu the art. "Nothing eas
ier Iu the world," Uameau gallantly
replied. He handed ber a sheet of pa
Ier ruled for music and asked her to
take her valuable breastpin aud prick
holes In the lines wherever she thought
proper. After the lady had completed
her task Itameau took the sheet of pa
Ier. turned each puncture iuto a note,
determined its length, selected a suita
ble key, aud the thing was done. This
remarkable composition turned out a
lively piece of dance music, which
was afterward entitled "Les Sauvages
Dans les ludes Galantes" and was
popular iu France for a great number
of years.
Macaulay as a Child.
Thomas Babiugton Macaulay should
perhaps have ranked with the uni
versal geniuses, but it is true that his
precocious gift was largely iu tbe di
rection of literature. He read inces
santly from the age of three. At seven
he had composed a very fair com
pendium of unii-ersal history from the
creation to 1800. At eight he had
written a treatise destined to couverj.
the natives of Malabar to Christianity.
As a recreation from this weighty
work be wrote in tbe same year a ro
mauce in the style of Scott iu three
cantos, untitled "The Battle of Chev
iot." A little later came a long poem
on the history of 0af Magnus and a
vast pile of blank verse entitled "Fin
gal A Poem In Twelve Books." But
he disliked mathematics aud did not
pass his examinations in that subject,
thus standing out among all child
prodigies. His memory was such that
he literally never could forget any
thing and after twenty years could
repeat bits of poetry read only once.
Her One Wish.
The wandering peddler stopped at
the southern cabin and opened bis
pack.
"Mammy, let ine show you some self
raising umbrellas," he begau.
"No use. mau. no use." interrupted
the old colored woman us she busied
herself about the pot of clothes.
"Cyaut use iiutUu lak dat."
"How about self raising window
shades?"
"No good heah, kase deh ain't no
windows wutb talkiu about."
"Self raising buckwheat?"
"No good to me we eat cohu pone.
But, mister:"
"Well, mammy?"
"If yo'll tell me how to tuhn dese
heah fohteen bad chilluu into self"
raising pickaninnies Ab'll be yo' friend
fob life, dat Ah will. sau."-Cbicago
News.
Spirit Rock.
A memorial to an explorer is that in
honor of Jean Xieolet at Menasha,
Wis. It is a huge bowlder of Winne
bago Mauitou stoue. known as "spirit
rock," and is mounted ou a plaiu pyr
amid of sandstone twelve feet high.
An inscription relates that Nleolet was
the first white man In Wisconsin and
that he met the Winnebago tribe aud
held the earliest white council with
5.000 of its braves. Tbe monument
was erected by tbe city of Menasha
aud women's clubs of that place.
Winning Her Papa.
She When you go to ask papa tbe
first thlug he will do will be to accuse
you of seeking my band merely to be
come his son-in-law.
He-Yes? And then-
"And then you must agree with him.
He's a lot prouder of himself than he
is of ine."
"NoUhole!
jbotker
week
whta
darin"
Iron Clad
-that why.
Ask for Cooper Wells 4 Co.'s
fio. 99 and get stockings that
not only look well and fit per
fectly with no seams to annoy,
but which give remarkable ser
vice. We recommend them.
J. H. GALLEY
505 Eleventh Street Columbus
Jf
AVT .. v a TV
SaV . " -
Tha "Lang" litis.
The Sltxe family was long In person,
long drawn out In speech, and eter
nally long about doing t blags. Over
miles of pine hills tbey were known
as the "long" Sittes. Miss Lydia, the
eldest, went to a crossroads store to
buy Christmas presents. In tbe coarse
of a half boar she became Interested
in some blue and scarlet petticoats.
"I'll take one of these petticoats,"
she said, slowly counting oat the price.
Tbe busy proprietor wrapped op the
parcel and handed it over with a po
lite "Something else?"
"I'll take another petticoat"
He did up a second handle, took her
carefully counted money and was
turning to the next impatient custom
er. "I'll take another petticoat," came
tbe slow drawl.
This went on to the seventh time.
The man, being up to his ears in work,
ventured a question:
"Buying for tbe neighborhood. Miss
Lydia?"
"I'm buying two apiece for my sis
ters." "How many sisters have you?"
"Nine." Youth's Companion.
Didn't Cut th Act.
The greatest delight of Pat Sbeedy.
accordiug to a friend of tbe famons
gambler, was to "double cross" the
crooked card sharks.
"Sbeedy ouce strolled into a tough
gambliug resort iu tbe west where be
was not kuown and stood watching
the games," the friend relates. "One
of tbe dealers was 'spieling' to several
countrymen and bad about convinced
them to take a chance at his game.
" 'I'll bet you 2 to 1 that 1 can shuf
fle the deck and cut tbe ace of hearts
tbe first time,' be announced.
" Til take $30 of that if you'll let me
shuffle tbe cards. Pat said.
"The dealer agreed, and tbe money
was staked. The countrymen also
made small bets.
" 'Are you satisfied?' the dealer ask
ed when the cards were shuttled. The
proposition is that I am to cut tbe ace
of hearts the first cut.'
"Every oue agreed. Then the dealer
he was a tough one whipped out a
big buutiug knife and slashed tbe deck
in two. But be didn't take tbe money.
Sbeedy had palmed the ace of hearts
while shuffling tbe cards."
Our Safety Valves.
Tbe Invention of tbe safety valve
for steam engines has saved thousands
of lives and millions of dollars In
property. It is au invention that
stands promluently to tbe front in
this age of mechanical progress. But
nature supplied us each with a safety
valve which for effectiveness works
better than any made by man. If we
did not have this safety valve we
could not live twenty-four hours. This
safety valve is the perspirative, or
sweat, gland, and to make sure that
we should not run short of tbe supply
she bas furnished tbe body witb some
two and a half millions of them. If
our temperature rose 7 or 8 degrees
we should die witbin a few hours, and
yet we could not run. row, indulge in
any athletic exercises or eveu walk
safely any distance without increasing
our temperature to tbe danger point
if we bad no safety valve provided so
ingeniously by nature.
Paddy's Cat.
Au Irishman fresh from the "ould
sod" secured a job with a lumbering
crew iu tbe Miuuesota woods. While
sound asleep iu bis buuk one night a
lynx slipped iu at the open window,
espied Paddy's brindle whiskers and
promptly pouueed on its supposed ene
my. A terrific coutest ensued, during
which Paddy's clothing was reduced
to ribbons, but ending happily when
the brawny son of Erlu secured a half
uelsou ou the beast aud heaved it
bodily through tbe window.
He was instantly surrounded by a
score of excited and admiring woods
men. After examining himself crit
ically Paddy straightened up slowly
aud remarked with distinct emphasis:
"Bedad. if I knew th' dom mon thot
owned thot cat I'd be aftber rammin'
me fisht down th' throat av lm I
wud thot!"-Judge's Library.
The Tail of a Fish.
A fish's tail is its wings. Owing to
the machinery of muscle set along its
spine aud to its cleaving form a trout
or salmon cau dart through the water
at a tremendous pace, though Its rap
id flights, unlike tbe bird's, are not
long ones. It Is soon tired. The water
is not so friendly to flight as tbe air.
The stroke of tbe fish's tail is one of
great power, and by means of it and
tbe writhing, snakelike flexion of tbe
body a high speed is reached. Tbe
strength behind this speed is shown in
tbe way a fish or sea mammal out of
tbe water wlil raise its tail and strike
tbe ground or boat.
Roundabout Bribery.
At one old time British election a
candidate won by means of an umbrel
la. Sheer abseuce of mind caused him
to leave the gamp behind at every
house at which he called to canvass,
and of course when it was returned by
tbe voter a sovereign was only a suit
able reward for honesty.
Impatience.
"Impatience." said Uncle Eben. "is
ginerally de feelln you has when you
wants somebody else to harry an
make up fob de time you's been wast
InV Washington Star.
Just th Other Way.
"Did you ever hear Gadby say any
thing particular about me?'
"No. He uever was very particular
what he said about you."
To pity distress Is but human; to re
iteve It is godlike. Mann.
John and th Franchise.
A woman suffrage lecturer In Eng
land recently brought down the Louse
with tbe followiug argument: "I have
no vote, but my groom bas. I have a
great respect for that man in the sta
bles, but I am sure if I were to go tc
him aud say, 'John, will you exercise
tbe franchise? he would reply, 'Please,
mum. which horse be that?' "
A Real Regret.
Editor I am obliged to decline youi
poem with thanks. I am very sorry,
but Poet But what? Editor The
management insists upon my declining
all poems that way.
SPRING OPENING
On account of an early Easter this year, and the fact that we were so illy pre
pared to accommodate you last fall, we have doubled our force and made extra
effort to meet your expectations this spring.
Our experience has convinced us that the best is none too good for the ladies of
Columbus; so we not only continue our former management, but have greatly im
proved and enlarged our corps of assistants.
STYLE AND PRICE: It has been our special aim to supply copies of the high
class importations and exclusive designs, which command prices far beyond our
means or needs, by combining material and artistic workmanship, that distinguish
them from the commonplace, and at the same time bring the price within the
reach of all.
To accomplish this we have visited and searched all the principal markets and
have studied the new designs with pains taking details, until we feel justified in
announcing that we have succeeded beyond our expectations.
There is a great variety of styles, so that one can be artistically fitted, but all
have that new unique air peculiar to the latest fashion.
Our $3 to $5 hats are beauties from $5 to $10 they are "stunning," while above
$10 they are exclusive designs or close imitations of originals costing five to ten
times our price, and all have that chic appearance that is always conspicuous and
distinguishes the high class article from inferior work.
Our "OpiiiRg Days" will li Thirsty ill Friday, March 17-18
Pifarn Whistles of Pakln.
Tbe smallest musical instruments In
the world are tbe pigeon whistles of
Pekin. They are made of thinnest
bamboo and tiny gourds scraped to paper-like
delicacy and fastened beneath
tbe tall feathers of tbe carrier pi
geons. As tbe birds fly through the
air these instruments emit a weird
aeolian melody like the harps of fairy
land. Every morning and afternoon
the vault of Pekin's sky Is swept by
these sweet, mournful notes as the
birds fly to and fro. carrying messages
to tbe bankers, the merchants, the law
yers, invitations, letters, stock quota
tions, a system older than the tele
graph or telephone or tbe oldest letter
service, as old as time itself. There
are some twenty different kinds of
pigeon whistles, some of them simple
bamboo tubes with but one top and
some as elaborately constructed aa
miniature organ pipes. Tbey are all
of featherweight lightness and when
held in tbe band and swept through
tbe air emit tbe same delicate whis
tling notes as when borne through tbe
upper atmosphere by tbe carrier pi
geons. A Diplomatic Official.
Durlug the reign of Emiieror Napo
leon III. be and tbe empress 'visited
Normandy and bad arranged to spend
a couple of days at Evreux. M. Jan
vier de la Monte, who was tbe prefect,
learned that tbe revolutionaries intend
ed to hiss the sovereigns as tbey pass
ed, and so be summoned tbe leaders of
tbe movement aud told tbem that be
knew of their plot. "If you carry out
your plan," said be to tbem, "you will
get six months iu prison. If you do
not your friends will accuse you of
cowardice and treason. As a way out
of the difficulty I propose to lock you
up at once until the emperor has
gone." The conspirators accepted tbe
terms offered tbem. aud so tbe em
peror was greeted only by cheers, as
the revolutionaries, frightened at the
arrest of their chiefs, bad not dared to
utter a sound. After tbe emperor and
empress bad gone tbe prefect went in
person to release bis prisoners, who
bad bad such a pleasant time that tbey
greeted him with cries of "Long live
the prefect!" to which M. Janvier de
la Monte, who was a man of wit, re
plied. "My friends, do not overdo it."
A Fish With Teeth on His Tongue.
Tbe biggest of fresh water fishes,
the "arapaima" of tbe Amazon, hi
South America, which grows to six
feet in length, bas teeth on its tongue,
so that tbe latter resembles tbe file
and is used as such. Some kinds of
trout also have tbe same peculiarity.
Fishes that swallow their prey entire
have their teeth so supported on flexi
ble bases as to bend liackward. but
pot forward, hi order that ihclr vic
tims shall not escape after they have
been once seized. In ages gene by
there were ferocious sharks, seventy
feet iu leugtb. such as would make a
mouthful of you without blinking.
Plenty of tbeir teeth have been found
which are- live iuches long, whereas
the biggest of tbe tcetb belonging to
sharks that exist at the present day
are one and a half inches long.
Speaking of extinct creatures reminds
us that all of tbe early birds those
of early geological times, that is bad
teeth, with which they captured the
early worms of tbe same period. Be
ing descendant from reptiles, it is nat
ural that they should possess a. dental
equipment, but when tbey ceased to
be carnivorous tbey bad no teeth any
longer.
Dumas' Wtalth and Poverty.
Alexandre Dumas' rise to wealth
and luxury was almost as marvelous
as that of bis most celebrated hero.
He built a magnificent chateau, which
he named Monte Cbristo. There be en
tertained all comers, friend and stran
ger alike, with more than oriental
magnificence aud sometimes with ori
ental mystery. Ills purse was open to
all who sought It. and the day came
when be experienced Timon's fate
without acquiring Timon's disposition.
He could not become a misanthrope,
though his fortune disappeared almost
as suddenly as it came, and then he
learned the ingratitude of men. His
last days were passed not in poverty,
but in narrow circumstances. He left
Paris in the fall of 1870 just aa tbe
German army was closing In to be
siege it and wben France was feeling
Its deepest woe. To tbe last he pre
served bis gayety and youthful spirit
"I bad but one napoleon in my pocket
when I first came here," be said. "I
go away with two, and yet they call
me a spendthrift."
H. H. STIRES.
A Ceileeter's Bargain.
Lord Spencer of Althorp. one of the
greatest of book collectors, was at
home only in his own field. One day
in browsing about Bond street. Lon
don, be went Into tbe shop of a dealer
In bric-a-brac. Tbe dealer, who knew
him by sight, said persuasively:
"Here is a fine bit of pottery which
your lordship really ought to have,
and you shall have it very cheap only
2 guineas."
So Lord Spencer bought it and took
it home and set it in a high place.
One day a connoisseur of china paid
him a visit, and Lord Spencer showed
his bargain.
"What did you give for it?" asked
tbe connoisseur.
"Two guineas." answered Spencer
rather proudly.
"H'm!" said the connoisseur. "At
that price the marmalade should have
been included."
"What do you mean?'
"Why, that precious piece of yours
is nothing more or less than a shil
ling marmalade pot with a green this
tle painted on it."
Silencing the Questioners.
A French gentleman who bad been
with M. de Talleyrand for twenty
years accompanied him to tbe congress
at Vienna after Napoleon's exile to
Elba. People naturally concluded that
this long intimacy bad made him fa
miliar with a number of particulars of
the minister's life and bearing also
upon the events with which he bad
been mixed up. Worried with ques
tions, the friend invariably replied that
he knew nothing, but the questioners
would not be satisfied and returned to
the charge.
"Very well," finffly said Talleyrand's
confidant; "I'll tell you a peculiar aud
altogether unknown fact in connection
with M. de Talleyrand. Since Louis
XV. he's tbe only man wbo cau open a
soft boiled egg with one backward
stroke of his knife without spilliug a
drop of tbe contents of tbe shell. That
is the only peculiarity I know in con
nection with blm."
Discretion bad scored a decisive vic
tory. From that moment tbe ques
tions ceased.
The Sting of Ingratitude.
A young physician In the east side.
New York city, spends much time in
charitable practice, says tbe Newark
Star. In fact, he sometimes gives to
a poor patient enough money to pay
for prescriptions. "I'm not getting
rich." he explains, "but I simply can't
see tbem suffer for medicines that
may put them on their feet again."
Not many days ago the doctor bad
occasion to visit a woman wbo occu
pied one small tenement room with
her three children. After making out
a prescription he gave her $2, telling
her to buy the medicine and to use
the change for needed food. On tbe
following day as he was about to en
ter the tenement for a second call he
met the ten-year-old daughter of tbe
patient.
"How is your mother?" be Inquired
of the child.
"Ob, she's all well!" was tbe an
swer. "She took tbe $2 and got a real
doctor."
When to Step Advertising.
An English Journal requested a num
ber of tbe largest advertisers to give
their opinions concerning tbe best time
to stop advertising, andtbe following
replies were received:
When the population ceases to multi
ply and the generation that crowded
on after you and never heard of you
stops coming on.
Whm rnn haVA convinced everv
body whose life will touch yours that
you have better goods and lower prices
than tbey can get anywhere else.
When you stop making fortunes sole
ly through tbe direct use of this
mighty agent.
When younger and fresher houses In
your line cease starting up.
When you would rather have your
own way and fail than take advice
and win. Nashville American.
Friendly Advice.
Mrs. Jawback-The doctor says I
must sleep with my mouth shut. How
can I get Into tbe bablt? Mr. Jawback
Try practicing It when you are
awake. Cleveland Leader.
The Difference.
She When a man starts to talk bt
ever stops to think. He And wben a
wosaan starts she never thinks to
atop.
Hope for the best, but work hard
for the result.
Union Block
Another Kind of Walk.
Ethel did nut rush iuto his arms
and cry "Oh. Cuthhert!" as usual.
Wbeu he wus ushered into the draw
ing room she gave him the frigid eye.
and tbe gas was kept on at full pres
sure. "I've liecu studying pedoiuaucy.
Cuthbett." she announced.
"Pedonuiiic.v. pet'r"
"Divination by the feet." she ex
plained. "Feet thai incline to llatiics-:
are a sign of meanness. Cuthhert."
Cuthhert looked down at his No. in
tans aud sighed.
"A hurried yet slleut walk." she con
tinued, "is indicative of criminal in
atlncts. Your walk Is so hurried, so
noiseless. C'uthiiert."
"You are speaking of only one or uiy
styles of walking. Ethel." he answer
ed brightly. "1 have another. I used
It this afternoon to walk iuto a jew
eler's shop and buy a $I5U engagement
ring that I had hoped"
"Oh. CutliDert!" she cried, aud tin
next minute the pedomaucy expert aud
a splay footed youth were crowde.l
into one saddlebag chair, and the gas
was turned down into a little blue bub
ble. San Francisco Chronicle.
Very Devout.
A. new parson was presented to a
living iu a remote agricultural dis
trict and whs anxious to make him
self at borne with his Hock as soon as
possible. He therefore Itcgan his pas
toral calls at once. Among the first
recipients of these attentions was
Farmer Jones, whose family the new
parson had noticed to he very regular
and apparently very devout attend
ants at church. Farmer Jones wis
out, but his wife received the pnrsou.
wben the followiug dialogue took
place: "I am your new rector. 31 rs.
Jones. I have noticed with great pleas
ure your regular attendance atchureh
and have lost as little time as possi
ble. you see. In calling and improving
our acquaintance." "Yes. sir," replied
Mrs. Jones; "we're 'bilged to be reg'lar
at church, for If we didn't go Farmer
Smith claims that pew, aud we're not
goln' to give it up for the likes o' blm.
So my son Peter stands at tbe door
half an hour before service begins to
keep 'im out." Liverpool Mercury.
Big Hats In Colonial Days.
Tbe question of high hats at public
places was of some moment, even in
colonial days. Iu 17i!J the church at
Andover, Mass.. put it to vote wheth
er "the parish disapprove of the fe
male sex sitting with their huts on In
tbe meeting house iu time of divine
service as lMingindei-ent." In the town
of Abingtou iu 17". It was voted that
it was "an Indecent way with the
feminlue sex to .sit with their hats and
bonnets on In worshiping God." Still
another towu voted that it was the
"town's mind" that the women should
take their bonnets otT in meeting and
hang them ou the pegs.
Too Costly.
King George II. once wished to rdd
the Green park, iu Loudon, to his pal
ace grounds, whether the people liked
It or not. He Inquired of his minister
as to tbe cost
His lordship, mindful of tbe general
discontent then prevalent, answered:
"The cost, sir? Ob, It would be a
matter of three crowns!"
The king took tbe hint. The people
kept their park and the sovereign his
triple throne.
Merciful.
Mrs. A. I do love lobsters, but I
never have them at borne because it
seems so Inhuman to kill them by put
ting tbem in a kettle of boiling wa
ter. Mrs. B. Gracious! I never kill
tbem that way It would be too hor
rible. 1 always put them on hi citl
water and let them come tc a bo!l.
Boston Transcript.
A Joker Among Birds.
The bluejay is a practical Joker. It
is bis habit to corneal himseir In a
mass of leaves near the spot where
small birds are accustomed to gather
and when they are enjoying them
selves In tbeir own fashion to sud
denly frighten them almost to death
by screaming out like a hawk. Uf
course tbey scatter In every direction.
and wben they do so the mischievous
rascal gives vent to a cackle that
sounds very much like a laugh.
The Real Test.
"My husband is the kindest man -lets
baby break bis watch or pull his
arastacbe and never scolds it at all."
"But did tbe baby ever get hold of
ae of his pipes? That's tbe real test."
Buffalo Express.
rTrr ,,-V
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