HEN LAYS TWO EGGS DAILY
Delaware Fowl Ha6 Record of Three
in Twenty-Four Hours Suggests
New Strain.
Wilmington, Del. Although poultry
raisers all over the country, after long
years of experimenting in the breed
ing of poultry for increased egg pro
duction, have failed to produce a hen
that will lay more than one egg a
iay, yet Lilbourne Martin of this city,
Is the proud possessor of a hen which
iot only occasionally lays two eggs
a day, but sometimes turns out three
eggs within 24 hours.
Persons who have had long experl
snce in poultry raising who heard of
wonderful performances of the hen
were at first inclined to doubt that the
Ben had actually laid two eggs a day,
as they had never heard of such a
case or read of any reports of cases
of this kind in the poultry journals.
While selected thoroughbred hens,
bred for egg production, have made
great records in egg laying contests,
held at different times, especially in
one held in Australia some years ago,
no hen in any of the contests ever laid
two eggs a day.
The hen owned by young Martin is
the only one kept by him. and it is
confined in the yard in the rear of
the house by itself, so that the eggs
could not have been laid by any other
hen. The truthfulness of the family
has never been doubted by the resi
dents of the western side of the city.
The hen is a little more than a year
old and was brought from By num.
Hartford county, Md., by young Mar
tin last summer, having been given to
him by a relative. The hen was quite
small at the time, and he first thought
It was a bantam, but it kept growing
until when full grown it resembled a
black minorca in both size and color
It is quite a pet and answers to the
name of Snowball.
Young Martin used no special
method of feeding in forcing the hen
to lay. Persons experienced in poul
try raising say that by breeding this
hen along with heavy laying fowls a
new strain might eventually be de
veloped which would break all previ
ous egg records.
Common hens often lay less than
one hundred eggs in a year; 200 egg
hens are scarce; some breeders have
hens that lay 240 eggs a year. A
strain of fowls that would occasional
ly lay two eggs a duy, and sometimes
three in 24 hours during the periods
of a year that they were laying, might
go as far above these figures.
HIS HAPPY THOUGHT.
It Let the New Train Dispatcher Off
Without an Accident.
An operator for a western railroad
who had served his company long ami
well was called into the ollice one day
and asked if be thought he could held
down the job of night dispatcher. He
promptly replied that lie could ami
was told to report for duty that night,
and his chief instructed him in what
he was to do. Just after the chief left
the ollice it began to blow and snow,
and the trains commenced to run late.
The new night dispatcher soon had de
veloped a bad case of "rattles" and al
most cried. He did not want an acci
dent, and he could not handle the
trains. So a happy thought struck
him. As fast as a report can in he
replied, directing the conductor to take
a siding and wait for orders, and it
was not a great while until he had
every train on the division sidetracked.
Then he took a book, lighted his pipe
and sat down to wait for daylight. In
the morning the chief appeared, with
anxiety written all over his face.
"Any accidents, Johnny:' asked the.
chief.
"Not an accident I've got 'cm all on
the sidetrack, snowed in and waiting
for orders, and you will have to get
'em out I am going to blow this job."
It took the chief and his force nearly
all day to get the trains straightened
out and tratlic resumed on the road.
CAT AND FOX MEET.
And Reynard Retires the Worse For
the Meeting.
In a recent number of a German
sporting paper a forester describes a
scene which he witnessed in a clearing
in the forest
He came one afternoon upon a big
black cat occupied apparently in I ho
pursuit of mice, and from the shelter
of a tree he watched its movements
through a fieldglass. After a few min
utes an old fox made its appearance.
Slinking slowly forward toward (he
cat, it lay down within a few steps of
it, ready to spring.
The cat had observed Its enemy, but
beyond keeping a sharp lookout on its
movements it made no sign. Shortly a
young fox joined the old one and al
most immediately bounded at the cat,
which sprang aside and struck its as
sailant so efficaciously across its face
with its sharp claws that it retired as
quickly as it came. After an iuterval
the old fox, advancing slowly and
carefully, made its attack, but the re
sult was the same. The cat, spitting
and hissing, struck out hard, and the
fox retired discomfited.
A minute afterward it again sprang
forward, but this time the cat got
much the best of it aud was left in
peace. London Globe.
St. Elmo's Fire.
St. Elmo's fire is a name popularly
given to a luminous appearance some
times seen on dark aud stormy nights'
at the masthead and yardarms of ves
sels and also on land at the top of
hurch spires and trees and even on
horses' manes and about human heads.
It is due to the presence of electricity,
generally at elevated points, where it
accumulates more rapidly than it can
be discharged and is named after St.
Elmo, the patron saint of sailors.
Two Faced Babies.
"Not that deceit is a born instinct,
but some babies must be two faced iu
the cradle."
"Oh, that's not possible."
"I don't know. I know a child that
looks like its rich aunt when she comes
on a visit and is the exact image of its
rich uncle when he happens to bo
there."
And Mother Officiates.
Eddie Do you have morning prayers
at your house? Freddie We have
some kind of a service when father
gets in. New York Press.
A Queer Ornament.
Some years ago we found in a secret
drawer of a pearl embroidered work
box three locks of hair fastened to
small enamel heart shaped mounts,
with silver eyelets. Two were Inscrib
ed "R, C. obt lGth April. ICG," "R. C.
1GG4." The third had no Inscription at
all. In this box I now keep an en
graving of a portrait of Elizabeth,
queen of Bohemia, which plainly shows
the curl of hair in her left ear. attach
ed to a pearl earring. The painting, by
Gerard Honthorst. was engraved by G.
Vertue.
When I showed these hair earrings
to a gentleman of some considerable
learning he informed me that an uncle
of Anne, wife of King James I., was
afflicted by a malady, still prevalent in
Poland and some parts of Russia,
which consists of a growth of hair and
flesh pendent from the ear. on which
it Is dangerous to operate owing to the
profuse hemorrhage which ensues. He
added that in consequence of this roy
al infirmity a fashion arose in the six
teenth and seventeenth centuries of
wearing locks of hair pendent from
the left ears. I believe there is a por
trait of a Stuart, lady still at Ham
House so adorned. London Notes and
Queries.
The Pilot Fish.
A little fish about which many Inter
esting fancies cluster is the pilot fish
Aelian tells .us that pilot fishes were
supposed to be kindly disposed toward
sailors aud therefore liked to approach
ships, which they continued with and
guided until they reached land. They
were deemed sacred to Neptune, the
god of the ocean, who protected them
from designed Injury; consequently a
man who had ventured to eat one soon
afterward lost his son by drowning.
Apollo was said to have changed a
fisherman named Pompilus. who had
crossed him in his loves, into a pilot
fish aud condemned him for all eterni
ty to the task of gratuitous pilotage.
He is also said to be a pilot of sharks
aud is said to warn the latter away
from baited hooks and other dangers
and lead them to food. There really
does exist a strange bond of friendship
between the huge shark and this little
member of the mackerel family, which
are often to be seen traveling together,
although the pilot fish's supposed care
to warn its companion of Impending
danger and to provide food for It is a
fallacy pure aud simple.
An English Election Trick.
Corruption at elections in England
took many curious forms iu olden days,
but there have been few more ingen
ious plans for securing the electiou of
the desired candidate than that prac
ticed at Seaford in 1700. It was doubt
ful which way the polling would go
unless a receiving officer could be
found willing to pass some twenty-six
persons who still wanted seventeen
days to complete the six months' resi
dence required by law. Accordingly
it was arranged that the candidate
should insist on all the six oaths de
manded by statute being administered
to each voter individually, and this,
together with the time speut in deal
ing with every frivolous objection rais
ed by counsel, made it impossible to
poll more than four votes a day. so
that the twenty-six where duly quali
fied by the time their turn came to
vote.
The Tramp's Reason.
The late Joseph Dorsey of San Jose,
the famous detective whose best feat
was the capture of Canon Bernard
after a chase from Alaska to Cape
Horn, used to impute his success to
his knowledge of men.
"A detective." he would say, "should
know the habits of every class. Then
no disguise can deceive him. All men.
even the most unmethodical, have
their habits. Even the tramp has his.
"You great big lazy loafer, I said
to a tramp one December day, you
ought to be In jail!'
'"Yes, Algie.' the tramp replied as
he pretended to fix a monocle in his
eye. 'Yes; I know it's the correct
thing for our set at this season, Algie:
but, deuce take it, it's such a mild
wiuter, don't you know.' "Kansas
City Star.
Artful Legal Tactics.
Lord Chancellor Erskiue, with all his
arts and all his intrepidity in the face
of judge or jury, was easily upset by
anything which touched his amour
propre. Vanity was his foible, and he
had all the susceptibility which at
taches to it One artful attorney.
knowing this, used to plant a man in
court in full view of Erskiue to j-awn
hideously at his most eloquent appeals
or to titter at his most tragic tones.
Once wheu Garrow, the well known
counsel, lost iu thought, had fixed his
eyes vacantly upon him Erskiue was
so put out that he stooped down aud
hissed in his ear, "Who the devil do
you think can get on with that wet
blanket of a face of yours before
him?" The same sensitiveness of criti
cism followed him into the house of
commons. Law Times.
An Indirect Hit.
A patient who was suffering from a
scalp wound was recently admitted to
a hospital. "How did this happen?"
asked the resident surgeon.
"The wife hit me on the head with a
stone," was the answer.
"It's the first time I ever beard of a
woman hitting anything she aimed at,"
the doctor observed jokingly.
"Oh. she didn't aim it at me! She
was throwiug the stone at our neigh
bor's fowls, and I was standing behind
her!" London Graphic.
What a Change!
"He used to kiss me every time we
passed through a tunnel before our
marriage," said the little woman, with
sad reflections.
"And does he do so now?" asked the
bosom friend.
"No; he takes a drink." Brooklyn
Eagle.
Reduced.
"Old Juggleworth died at an ad
vanced age, didn't he?"
"On the contrary, he died at a great
ly reduced age. He was really twenty
years older than he said he was."
Chicago News.
The Penalty.
Jinks How much do you think a
minister ought to get for marrying a
couple? Filkins Well, if wholly unac
quainted with them, perhaps he might
be let off with six months.
NORTH Theatre
Monday, Feb. 14
Denman C. Thompson's
The Old Homestead
The Greatest of all New
England Plays
The Original and Only Company
Twenty-four Year of Uninterrupted
! Success
Casfof twenty-five people Beautiful
New Scenery and Effects The
Famous Double Quartet
Prices, 25c, 50c, 75c, $1.00
' Route No. 5.
The carrier had the misfortune to
break through the ice while crossing the
river at the bridge, and caused him con
siderable grief.
Additional men have been put at work
on the reconstruction of the Platte river
bridge, and they are poshing the work
as fast as possible.
Water in the Platte river baa risen
over two feet during the last few dayp,
and is now ranging oyer the ice at a
depth of from one to four inches. This
greatly interferes with crossing, as it is a
very heavy pull now.
Advertised Letters.
Following is a list of unclaimed mail
matter remaining in the post office at
Columbus, Nebraska, for the period end-J
ing February 9. 1910:
Letters - Herman Doerck, Miss Hettie
Draper. John Neff, Mrs Eliza Pierce, O
E Stemmer, H C Staner, Christ Sakella
zopulo. It E Wiseman.
Cards Hiss Gladys Cook, Mies Lillie
Ernst, Edith McMshon, Charles Marflce,
J Weston, Mm Anton Salata.
Partieu calling for any of the above
will plenee say advertised.
Carl Kramer, P. M.
Marriage Licenses.
Arlington Lelioy Moran, Oreeton. ... 21
Sarah R. A. Summers, Humphrey... 20
John Zakrzewski. Columbus 25
Katbcrine Kojpus, Platte Center, .... 18
Joseph Micek, Osceola 52
Sophia Pytel.Tarnov 28
Jacob Kohant, Schuyler 27
Anna Krnzik, Schuyler 18
John Bornch, Columbus 'M
Anna M. Armatzis, Columbus -'()
APPLES! APPLES!
We have a limited number of Ben
Davis and Qenetins, all resorted, for sale
cheap. Second door north of First
National bank. Easton & Bennett.
Effective.
A Chicago judge recently rebuked a
person who was sitting in the court
room with his feet placed upon the
table by sending him, through a bailiff,
a piece of paper on which he had writ
ten the following query: "What size
boots do you wear?" The feet were
at once withdrawn.
Torture.
A cowboy stopped a stage full of
passengers and made them all wait
while be read a poem of thirty-two
verses dedicated to his Mary Jane.
There are some things as bad as shoot
ing. Argonaut.
The best excuses are never given.
French Proverb.
UKPOItT OF THE CONDITION
OF TUE-
COMMERCIAL NATIONAL BANK,
No. 5160,
At Columbus, Nebraska, at the Close of
Business, Jan. 31, 1910.
RESOURCES.
Loans and discounts
Overdraft. Beciirpd Anil nnwmml
$352,740 14
0.733 78
30.000 00
5.600 00
10,000 00
U. 8. Bonds to secure circulation
Honda, Securities, etc
Hanking house, furniture and fixtures
Due from approved reserve
agents 96213 SI
Uiecksandothercaehitems 1,502 31
Notes of other National
Banks 6.7) 00
Fractional paper currency,
nickels and cents 178 17
Sfiecio .................. .... ltS,659 75
Ijegal tender notes 7,075 00
Redemption fund with U.
8. Treasurer (5 per cent.
of circulation) 1,500 00
23.M 75
Total $532,302 46
LIABILITIES.
Capital stuck paid in ,
BarnlDM fund
$50,000 00
20,000 00
Undivided profits, lees expenses and
taxes paid
national Bank notes ontotandin?
Dne to other National Banks
Individual deposits subject
to check $125,010 32
Demand certificates of de-
Time certificates of deposit 281,496
1.23 21
30,000 00
678 33
Total $532,30? 46
State of Nebraska, I
County of Platte, j'88
x, uaniei Hcnram, Cashier ot the above named
bank, do solemnly swear that the above state
ment is true to the best of my knowledge and
belief.
Damizx. Schrax, Cashier.
ICorrect Attest:!
IlEBMAN P. H. OKHLRICH. )
Jonas Welch, Directors.
A. D. Becker, )
subscribed and sworn to before me this 7th
day of -February. 1910.
W. 51. CoBXEurs,
Notary Public.
( ommission expires January 21. 1911.
Columbus Plumbing Co.
LUEKE & MULLIGAN
Proprietors
Sanitary Plumbing
Steam and Hot
Water Heating
13th and M Streets
ColumbllS, Nebraska
A tig Baby Farm.
What has been called the biggest
baby farm in. the world Is situated at
Moscow, and it Is claimed that this
Institution shows an annual crop of
some 14,000 babies, not to speak of
that put out by a branch at St. Peters
burg, which numbers 8.000. The Mos
cow Foundling asylum was founded by
Empress Catherine II.. and It Is main
tained, oddly enough, by a tax on
playing cards. Servants In the red
livery of the royal family guard Its
doors, and its accounts are carefully
audited by the Russian treasury de
partment The buildings comprising
this Institution stand hi a hollow
square round a garden with trim lawn
and trees, which forms a playgrouud
for the children. Youngsters of all
sorts and sizes, from tender nurslings,
who In the incubating rooms are just
struggling Into life, are tended by care
ful nurses and are as sure of good at
tention and wholesome food as any
baby can ueed. About fifty babies are
received every day. and after four
weeks the nurses take them to their
own homes hi the villages. Mew York
Tribune.
Opulence.
They numbered four. They abso
lutely exuded prosperity. The things
which they ordered were such as to
fill with envy the breast of the man at
the next table engaged in consuming
the most modest dish disclosed by the
bill of fare.
The four were conversing languid,
plutocratic conversation. After awhile
it turned to the question of money.
Evidently they wanted to do some
thing. How much money bad they?
One of the four took out bis pocket
book and counted up a roll of bills.
"Oh. I have a hundred and forty." be
said carelessly.
The second and third members of the
party went through their pockets.
"I have two hundred and fifteen," re
marked one.
"And I bare three hundred." said the
other.
The fourth waved his hand grandly.
"Never mind, you fellows." be said.
"I'll lend you all you want."
Tenderly waiters bore the man at
the next table out into the cold air. He
will recover. Philadelphia Ledger.
A Thrilling Sport.
At Waikiki. the home of surfboat
Ing for pleasure, there Is no danger
ous reef, but In the south Pacific
often the reef Is two miles from shore
and is exposed at low tide. The
waves form almost on the edge of
the reef and drop down upon the
hard coral perpendicularly, covering
the reef for the time being with about
two feet of rushing water. The canoe
that must jump this reef places it
self before a wave, every one pad
dles for dear life, and If the boat does
not touch coral, but is held suspended
until a cushion of water rushes on
ward to receive it, the jump Is suc
cessfully negotiated, the reef is
crossed, and there is but a two mile
paddle across the quiet lagoon to the
sandy beach. If the bow of the canoe
does touch the coral on the down leap
there is a shattering of the dugout,
and its occupants are sent flying iu
every directiou. One might laugh at
this at Waikiki. where there are no
sharks, but not in the south seas.
Recreation.
Tons of Pins.
Nothing better shows the bigness of
little things thau the manufacture of
puis, in England there are made each
week between fifteen and sixteen tons
of the small necessaries, the materials
being iron, steel and brass. The year
ly production would amount to about
190 tons. The number of puis Includ
ed in this great weight would make
any ordinary figures seem insignificant
would, in fact, defy realization or
comprehension. Germany also makes
great quantities of pins, her produc
tion totaling about 144 tons a year.
The United States makes great quan
tities of pins and imports many from
England. Most of the latter country's
output Is manufactured in Birming
ham by two firms, one of which has
been in existence nearly a century and
the other over a century. Philadelphia
North American.
He Didn't Complain.
Young Wife This talk about men
being so impatient when a woman Is
getting ready to go anywhere Is all
nonsense.
Friend Doesn't your husband com
plain at all?
Young Wife No. Indeed. Wby. last
evening 1 couldn't find my gloves and
had a long hunt for half a dozen other
things, and yet when I was finally
dressed and went downstairs to my
husband there be was reading and
smoking as calmly as if I wasn't half
an hour late.
Friend Well. I declare! Where were
you going?
Young Wife To prayer meeting.
Method.
Method goes far to prevent trouble In
business, for it makes the task easy,
hinders confusion, saves abundance of
time and instructs those that have
business depending what to do and
what to hope.
Blissful Ignorance.
"Shall I tell you a secret. Mr. Clack?"
asked a little boy. "My sister Louisa
is to be engaged to your brother.
Even your brother hasn't been told
yet"
The Alternative.
A tramp went into a farmhouse re
cently, and, seeing no one but an old
woman, he said in very fierce tones.
"Give me a drink of milk or else"
But a man came behind him sud
denly and. catching bim by the neck,
said, "Else what?'
"Else water," said the tramp .hum
bly. London Tatler.
Govern Yourself.
He who Is bis own monarch content
edly sways the scepter over himself,
not envying the glory to the crowned
heads of the earth. Sir Thomas
Browne.
How to Do It.
If you value your friendships, don't
borrow money, don't lend money,
don't advise others bow to invest their
money. Albany Journal.
I The darker the cloud the brighter the
mn wnen ne hreaks through the rift-
CLOTHES AND THE MAN.
Good Appearance Waits Upon the Way
Garments Are Worn.
"Ton can talk all you please about
clothes making a man," said a Walnut
street tailor, "but I want to say right
now that the smartest clothes In the
world can't make a man "natty" if he
is not naturally so. There Is an old.
stoop shouldered doctor uptown that
I have been tailoring for seven years.
He buys four and sometimes five suits
a year, and yet, except for a few days
after he has broken in each new suit,
he never looks nice. The trousers bag
at the kuees, the coat falls away iu
front, and the shoulders begin to look
sloppy. The man's drooping figure
nnd the poor care be takes of his
clothes furnish, of course, the explana
tion. "Did you ever notice the average
college man's clothes? Almost in
variably he looks neat and correct
despite the easy swing with which he
walks. But you'll notice that he car
ries his head high, his shoulders fairly
erect, and his trousers never 'break
at the shoes, so that the crease Is al
ways preserved. AH classes of men
go to college rich and poor. Few col
lege men take more than fair care of
their clothes. It's all the way they
wear their clothes, I think. Notice the
young lawyers nnd doctors around
town too. Few of them can afford the
very best hi tailor made clothes. That
they usually look nice Is due to the
fact that they have picked up the dis
tinguished way to wear clothes, 1
might call It. Clothes make the man,
but only when the man is willing to
help." Philadelphia Record.
A TRUE STORY.
It Was Vouched For by the Gentleman
Who Related It.
Some years ago in a certain town iu
the north a gentleman possessed of
more money than education was asked
to address the scholars attending one
of the local schools some Sunday after
noon. "Well, childweu," said he, 'Ts not
used to public speyking, but I remem
ber when I was u lad X.was verj fond
of hearing a story. Shall I tell ye a
story?
"Once upon a time many years ago
there was a lad, a very good lad, who
went regularly to Sunday school and
nlvver missed. But one Sunday aft
ernoon as he was gawiu to school two
bad boys met him and persuaded him
to gan bird nesting wiv 'em. So they
went alang by the riverside, and by
and by they came to a tree, and in
the tree on a branch which overhung
the watter was a nest. The two bad
lads sent the good lad to climb the
tree and fetch the eggs. Up he went
and got on the branch, farther and far
ther, and just as he was reaching out
his hand to tak' the nest the branch
brok, and he fell into the river and
was drooned."
After waiting a few moments to al
low his hearers to thoroughly grasp
the full extent of the catastrophe he
resumed with:
"Children, the story Is true, for the
lad that was drooned was me." Lon
don Tit-Bits.
The Act of Dying.
The common phrase "death agony" is
not warranted by what occurs in natu
ral death, which is a complete relief
from all pain. When death is owing to
heart failure or syncope it is sudden
and painless, perhaps pleasant. Death
by hanging, there is reason to believe.
Is attended by a voluptuous spasm.
Death by decapitation or electricity is
only a momentary shock, hardly felt.
Death by poisoning varies in painful
ness according to the poison employed.
Opium and other narcotics probably
give a painless, perhaps a pleasant,
dreamful death. Hemlock, as we
know from the account of the death
of Socrates, causes gradual insensibil
ity from below upward. On the other
hand, arsenic, strychulne, carbolic and
mineral acids, corrosive sublimate, tar
tar emetic and other metallic poisons
Inflict slow and torturing death. Prus
sic add and cyanide of potassium
cause quick death. Exchange.
Glasses to Fit Four Eyes.
For several mouths a man had been
going to various oculists, getting a pair
of glasses, trying them for a few days
and then taking them back. Two
weeks ago one of bis friends suggest
ed an optician that he thought could
do the trick and persuaded the troubled
man to give him a trial. The result
was the same as before, however, and
the glasses were returned. Curious
about the nature of the; dltliculty, the
friend went to the optician aud asked
him what was the matter. "Wby,"
replied the latter, "that fellow wants
a pair of glasses that will suit both
himself and his wife." Philadelphia
Times.
Knew Them.
"I am looking for a quiet place to
rest," said the tired looking man.
"I think we can safely promise you
all the comforts of home," assured the
hotel clerk.
"Not on your life!" exclaimed the
tired looking man. "I've been married
nine years aud have seven children."
Philadelphia Record.
Prejudiced Opinion.
"What did the poet mean when he
called his country 'the laud of the
free and the home of the brave?' "
"He was probably referring to bach
elors and married men," said old Mr.
Smithers sadly. Stray Stories.
Logic and Sophistry.
Little Willie What is logic, pa? Pa
Logic, my son, is your line of argu
ment in a controversy. Little Willie
And what Is sophistry? Pa The other
fellow's. Exchange.
Maid Worth Having.
The Mistress (entering the kitchen)
Jane, didn't 1 bear a dish break a
minute ago. The Maid I hope you
did. mem. It made noise enough, if
yon hadn't heard it I should have
thought you were getting dear, aud
that, you know, would be awful. Bos
ton Transcript.
Cause and Effect. .
The Earl of Ennui (dreamily) WIsbt
I just bad er million aud ten years
ahead of me. Baron Beating It Well,
you grab the million and you'll get the
ten years all right, all right. Puck.
Millions of
lurk with the dust in
every yard of your car-l
pets and rugs and they nil
tue air every lime you
sweep.
You are actually living
witn and breathing this
nve aire unless your house
is gone over regularly by
a vacum cleaner.
It is utterly impossible
to have anything like san
itary conditions without
an Automatic.
The "Automatic" Vacum
Cleaner positively gets all
the dust and microbes.
Everything cleaned bv
the Automatic treated to
a pure air bath which purifies as well as cleans.
SWARTSLEY & ROTHLEITNER,
General Agents, Eleventh Street, Columbus
Wanted His Money Back.
It is au old saying that "you cannot
eat your cake aud have it too." But
a seasick person usually cares little fur
cither side of the proposition. The
captain of one of the steamships ply-
lug between this country and Italy.
Mutv.ii .uutcu m rtrv luii. wuu uer
GOO Immigrants, tells a rather amus
ing story of a heated Interview held
between himself and one of them on
the voyage across.
The vessel bad been out a few days
and bad encountered some heavy seas.
The first morning that calmer weather
prevailed one of the steerage passen
gers appeared for the first time above
deck and with a face as white as a
sheet approached the captain.
"This has got to stop!" be said an
grily. "What has?" asked the captain. In
surprise.
"This feeling of death. Wheu I
bought my ticket I was told it in
cluded meals, but I can't keep my food
down. Now, it has got to stop, cap
tain, or else I want my passage money
back. You cannot break your contract
in this fashion with me."
It took all the captain's ingenuity to
pacify him during the rest of the trip.
Youth's Companion.
No Chance For the Truth.
"Be truthful," said the teacher.
"Always?" asked the boy.
"Always," answered the teacher.
"Never tell a lie?'
"Never."
"Not even a white He?"
"Not even a white lie."
"Ilub," ejaculated the lad scorn
fully, "It's a mighty good thing for
you you ain't n boy with my dad for
a father!"
"Why?" asked the teacher.
"Because." replied the boy. "if you
was my dad's little boy, aud you'd
heard wlfiit he said about Aunt Eliza
comln' to visit us with her children,
nnd Aunt Eliza had asked you if you
weren't all glad to see her, and you'd
told the truth, like I did, you'd think
there was a place where your trousers
was mighty thin after dad had fin
ished with you."
He went back to his desk, and as
he sat down with great care there
was an expression on his face that
showed the great lesson of truth had
been, at least in a measure, lost on
him. London Tit-Bits.
When Curates Were Wanted.
Wheu one learns that curates are in
creasing so much more rapidly than
benefices, wonder is excited as to the
condition of affairs iu the eighteenth
century, when enterprising ladles of
fered livings to clergymen willing to
marry them. An advertisement to this
effect appeared in the Loudou Chron
icle in March. lTiW. The lady was
rather particular too. The curate was
to be young, have a small fortune, be
well recommended as to morals and
good temper "and be firmly attached
to the present happy establishment."
The living was not rich below 100
per annum but the fair one was young
and agreeable. There seems a touch
of humility in the direction that an
swers "may he left at the bar of the
Union Coffee House, Strand, directed
to Z. Z." Confidence was created by
the assurance that "the utmost se
crecy and nonor may oe ueuenueu
upon." Londou Chronicle.
Punishment For Perjury.
Perjury Is a crime more severely
punished iu Germany than in any oth
er country iu the world. Even an ap
parently trivial misstatement under
oath carries a sentence of ten years in
prison. Excepting murder, there are
few crimes that carry as heavy a pen
alty as perjury. The German theory Is
that the entire system of jurispru
dence rests on the respect for an oath
administered under the forms of law
aud that this must be strictly guarded
in order to secure the punishment of
other crimes and insure justice in civil
cases. Germany stands at one extreme
and the United States at the other.
Fewer people are punished in the
United States for false swearing in
the witness box than Iu any other
country. Loudon Telegraph.
Hard Hit.
Lord Fitzfoodle, casting himself on
bis knees before Aramlnta, gave ut
terance to the following: "Ob, that 1
could snatch a pine from some prime
val forest! I would sharpen the end
with my penknife, dip It In the molten
crater of Vesuvius and write upon the
azure wall of heaven in letters of liv
ing fire. Aramiuta, I love thee!' "
Theory and Practice.
"Dinglebat has original Ideas about
family government. He says every
home should be a little republic, where
universal toleration prevails and every
one has a voice in the government."
"Yes; his family Is managed on that
plan. But he and Mrs. Dinglebat have
the same old wrangle every day as to
who shall be president"
The Foolish Man.
"I see," said the landlady, "that a
man in Ohio has got himself into trou
ble by marrying two women."
"Huh!" growled the bachelor board
er. "Just as though one wife couldn't
I make trouble enough!" Chicago News.
Microbes
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Got the Train Stopped.
When the late Robert Bonucr pur
chased Maud S. he seut her ;o Char
ter Oak park to be trained. One t'uy
a friend of .Mr. Bonner left X.n
iorfc to visit him at the nark, but
found tual le ,niIu dM t st( , ,
that statin... The conductor was
IH)lite. but said that he could not go
agaiust orders. At New Haven a halt
was mnde. aud Mr. Bonner's friend
tried to bribe the engineer with a
ten dollar bill, but iu vain. He was
then told that Charles P. Clark, the
president of the road, was on the
train, and he went to him.
"Why don't you see the conductor?"
asked Mr. Clark.
"I have, but he will not disobey
orders."
"Why not theu go forward aud
bribe the engineer'.1"
"1 tried bribery at New Haven, but
1 it would uot work."
The absence of evasion was the
best policy. Mr. Clark not only gave
orders to have the train stopped at
Charter Oak. but promised some day
to see Maud S. He had witnessed the
attempt at bribery, and the frank con
fession of the offense seemed to please
him.
Preparing For a Journey.
Jerome K. Jerome recalled with rev
erence a habit of bis methodical uncle,
who, before packing for a journey, al
ways "made a list," This was the
system which he followed, gathered
from bis nude's own lips:
Take a piece of paper and put down
on it everything you can possibly re
quire. Theu go over it and see that
It contains nothing you can possibly
do without.
Imagine yourself in bed. What have
you got on? Very well; put It down,
together with a change. You get up.
What do you do? Wash yourself.
What do you wash j-ourself with?
Soap. Put down soap. Go on till you
have finished. Then take your clothes.
Begin at your feet. What do you wear
on your feet? Boots, shoes, socl.s
Put them down. Work up till you u.t
to your head. What do you want lie
sides clothes? Put down everything.
This is the plan the old gcntlemnu
always pursued. The list made, lie
would go over it carefully to see that
he had forgotten nothing. Then he
would go over it again and strike out
everything It was possible to dispense
with. Theu he would lose the list.
Chicago the Danger Line.
"Speaking of fishballs," remarket an
ardent New England admirer of that
form of food who was eating in a
Dearborn street restaurant the other
day. "I will tell you a sad. sad truth
about them.
"If you order them iu Huston they
are practically all fisb. Yes. sir solid,
bona tide fish. Move west a hit- lo
Albany, say. What happens? The
amount of fish iu each fishbolt has
dwindled. I'roceed to Buffalo. A cer
tain self assertiveucss begins to he ap
parent with the fish. On to Cleveland!
Fishballs there are half potato, half
fisb. with the accent on potato. On to
Chicago! There potato has the upper
hand!"
He groaned.
"How Is it iu the far west?"
He leaned forward.
"I've never dared travel farther west
than Chicago!" he whispered hoarsely.
Chicago Tribune.
Golf In the Old Days.
Centuries back golf was a pastime .'
of the royal family, though then u'sii-
ally played in Scotland. The Stuart . '
family was very fond of the game."-:"
and the first English club was estiib- .
lished at Blackheath in 1C0S by James
I. His eldest son. Henry, frequently. :
played and on oue occasion nearly
struck by accident his tutor vith;t." ;
club, whereupon he coolly remarked..-' .
"Had I done so I had but paid niy-
debts." Charles I. was playing golf...
when he received the news of the
Irish rebellion. James, duke of York. '"
afterward James II., was another-
ardent player. Golf Is frequently '
mentioned In ancient Scottish records'
and In the fifteenth century was pro--",
hiblted because it interfered with the.,
practice of archery. Strutt consid- .
ered it the most ancient game at bail -.
requiring a bat London Standard.
Vegetable Chat.
"I see that some college professor
has been saying that he believes that
vegetables can see and hear wlnle
growing in the garden."
"Is that so?"
"Yes; not only that, but he believes
that ages hence they will be able to
converse with one another."
"Oh, that's old!"
"What's old?"
"Vegetables conversing. I've often
beard 'Jack afld the Beans-talk!' " .
Then What?
Mrs. Hoyle My husband doesn't
care for money. Mrs. Doyle That,
adds to the mystery as to the motive
for bis marriage. New York Press
Sure Thing.
BUI When all the fools are dead I
don't want to be alive. Jill-Well.
't worry; you won't be. Yonkers
Statssmaa.
V
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