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BETZVIELE TALES
Randolph Binks and the Safety Hammock
By Elfis Parker Btrti.Gr.
& Atdhor oFPijs JsPkjs" Ete-Si
iLLUSTBALTED -F PETER NEWELL
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"Peter TeAlL.
With Consternation VVilfred Started to Leave the Hammock. So Did Adelia.
Randolph Binks of Betzville is pas
sionately fond of reclining in a ham
mock, but up ' to the present he has
never "reclined in one to any great
extent Mr. Binks is an excellent citi
zen, butUs more rotund than any other
man in this county, and when he re
clines in a hammock so much of him
rotunds upward that it overthrows the
equilibrium, and the hammock quickly
btit gracefully turns over and drops
Mr. Binks on the ground with a thud.
Any man less passionately fond of re
clining in a hammock would have
given it up long ago, but Mr. Binks
said in our hearing that he would be
blamed if he would let any hammock
in creation get the best of him. He
says he has gently climbed into the
hammock over S.9G2 times, put his
-iiead back carefully, grasped the
edges, and that each and every time
the hammock has revolved half a revo
lution suddenly, and spilled him on
the hard, hard ground. He says that
at about the eight thousand, nine hun
dred and third time be decided that he
had been attacking the hammock too
gently, and that it must be taken
roughly, like the nettle, to be handled
properly, so he stood back and made
a leap, landing in the hammock. This
was almost successful, except that the
hammock acted like a spring board
and, taking Mr. Binks, threw him six
feet against the fence, head first,
bieaking three pickets. In his tem
porary anger Mr. Binks arose and
kicked the hammock, which then
grabbed him by the foot, yanked his
other foot off the ground, and bumped
him down on the back of his head.
-When ae became calm Mr. Binks
went as far away from the hammock
as he could get and sat down on -the
ground and studied it, and lie came
to 'the conclusion that what" the ham
mock needed was a counter-weight.
If there was a greater weight attached
to the underneath of the hammock
when Mr. Binks got into it, it could
not turn over. He said he wondered
that no one had ever before thought
of putting a keel on a hammock, and
he immediately began looking about
for a good, heavy weight. The best
thing he could find was an old mill
stone, and he built up a solid wall of
loose brick underneath the hammock.
On .top 'of this he .laid the .millstone,
and then - he -pressed the hammock
smoothly, against the millstone, and,
warming two -quarts of glue, he
poured it into the hammock and went
away to allow the glue to harden in
peace.
That evening Adelia Binks and her
fiance, young Wilfred Doppelgang,
went quietly into the back yard to sit
in the hammock and spoon. They
sat.
About three hours later Adelia
.raised .her bead from Wilfred's ehoul
"de'r and said, "It don't seem like you
hug as 'hard as you used to, Wilfred!"
She said this in a reproachful tone of
-voice, implying that perhaps Wilfred
did not love heir as of yore, and Wil
fred, who did love her as of yore, tried
to take his arm from about her waist
and get a new strangle hold, but, alas!
he could not!v lie could not get his
arm loose from that hug. In the
course of three hours the glue had
hardened and the hug had become a
permanent, guaranteed-fast embrace.
He had undoubtedly allowed his
sleeve to rppose a moment or more in
the glue, and Wilfred's sleeve and the
back gores of Adelia's shirt waist bad
become one and inseparable. This is
desirable in a 'union of states, but it
is not recommendedfor all purposes.
With consternation. nWilfred then
started to leave thet hammock. So
did Adelia. Instantly, -without a mo
ment's hesitation, tjhey did .not leave.
Reader, have you ever been glued, to
a large, round, sandy-complected mill
stone? Have you ever seated yourself!
upon a millstone well buttered with
glue, with the girl of jour choice be
side you, and then sat there until the
flue hardened and you became, as you
might say, two souls with but a single
thought? Wilfred and Adelia could
not arise; they could not even side
step. They were glued to the mill
stone, and the millstone was glued
to the hammock; and the hammock
was tied to two large trees, and the
roots of the trees extended many,
many feet into the soil. There was
but one thing to do.
Cautiously leaning forward, Adelia
and Wilfred began to remove the
loose pile of brick from beneath the
millstone, until all the bricks were
'gone. Then, wrapped arm in arm,
they began to jogg'e the hammock. It
was a trying moment. Suddenly, as
out of a clear sky, there was a sound
of ripping, breaking, tearing, and then
a thud. The millstone had fallen to
earth, taking with it the central por
tion of the hammock. This left a
large hole in the hammock. It also
took with it Pardon me, I should
say it also left a large At any
rate Wilfred and Adelia sped hastily
toward the house.
Half an hour later Mr. Randolph
Binks strolled home, and all was si
lence. As has been said, he is pas
sionately fond of reclining in a ham
mock. He has since remarked to
Uncle Ashdod Clute that his inven
tion of a non-tipping hammock was a
success. Formerly, when he entered
a hammock one thing always hap
pened the hammock reversed itself
and threw him out But now Ran
dolph Binks walked up to his ham
mock and threw himself into it with
confidence. "
The hammock did not, Mr. Binks
says, throw him out Mr. Binks mere
ly walked up to the hammock in the
dark and threw himself into-it Mr.
Binks says that -in passing through
the hole that had been torn in the'
hammock he thought very few things
worthy of ' reproduction by the press.
He says he merely passed through s
simple, unconventional way, and met'
the millstone quite informally, salut
ing it with the back of his head. He
says it was a mere love tap for the
millstone.
Mr. Binks claims that his hammock
was a success on three counts: First
The hammock did not turn over and
drop Mr.' Binks on the. ground -with a
thud; he fell through. Second The
hammock did not drop him on the
ground with a thud; he hit the mill
stone. Third The hammock did not
drop him with a thud; the noise was
clean and sharp, like the iron rim of
the millstone. Mr. Binks says be can
think -of only one improvement Here
after when he wishes to glue any
thing under a hammock he will choose
a feather bed rather than a millstone.
(Copyrieht, 19W. by W. G. Chapman.?
At. Old-Time Tea Table.
Tea-table etiquette was somewhat
complicated in the days of that "hard
ened and shameless tea drinker," Dr.
Johnson, when many people thought
nothing of drinking ten or 12 cups
at at sitting. It was considered prop
er for the cups and saucers of a party
of tea drinkers to be all passed up
to the hostess in one batch when re
plenishing was considered necessary,
and in order that each person might
be sure of getting back tie right cup;
the teaspoons were numbered. When
the cups were passed up those who did
not require any more were supposed
to place the spoon in the cup.
Too Professional.
t "The funniest test of skill in, wash
ing clothes I ever saw," said $h'e vil
lage, liar, "was in Holland between
the washerwomen."
. "I presurhe," said the man who was
listening, "that your betting instinct
led you to put up a wager on one of
the amateurs?"
"Yes it" did," admitted the speaker.
"Did you win?"
"No. There were too many wring-,
ers in the contest"
QUAY STATUE IN CAPITCl
Shaft In Mmry of 8enator Is Placed
in Pennsylvania's $13,000,000
"Graft Palace.
Harri8burg, Pa. -A marble statue of
Matthew Quay, former United. States
senator, has been placed In the ro
tunda of the state house here, which
Statue of Senator Quay.
has been called "the $13,000,000' graft
palace.' The imposing likeness of
tlie man who for many years guided
the political destinies of the Keystone
state occupies a prominent niche se
lected for it by Gov. Pennypacker
when he was chief of state. He was
sponsor for the idea of placing the
old-time machine leader's statue in
the capitol when strong public senti
ment throughout the state protested
against the plan.
ELECTS HUSBAND MAYOR
Mrs. Lew Shank of Indianapolis- Made
Many Speeches and Cam
paigned for Him.
Indianapolis, Ind. When the vote3
were all counted after the recent elec
tion in this city, Lew Shank,. who was
elected mayor, turned to his wife and
said: "Well, you won. If it hadn't
been for you I wouldn't have been
elected."
Mrs. Shank entered the campaign
early and made three speeches a week
in behalf of her husband's candidacy.
She avoided personalities and ap
pealed to voters on the ground o(
fitness and sympathy with the people
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Facsimile Signature of
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NEW YORK.
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She was received with great enthus
iasm and applause, and proved an en
tertaining speaker.
BROKE THE CABBIES HEART
Found That the Boss Had No Fellow
Feeling When It Came to Dis
honest Dollars.
Pat 'Masterson-tells a'taxicafi story
o Harry Allen, who brought, the first
fleet of taxicabs to New -York, and
managed it well' while he was In
charge: "Allen took a ride during the
Hudson-Fulton week,'says Masterson.
"He paid the dollar and a half in-ad
vance graft that was exacted during
that period by some companies with
out demur. He' couldn't .help himself.
But after the' cab started he looked at
tbe indicator flag. It should have
been pointed at an angle of 45 de
grees above the horizon. Instead, it
was pushed 'clear down out of sight.
Mr. Allen tapped oa the window and
the cab stopped. 'You have that in
dicator down to 'the double fare notch,
said Allen. 'Pnt it back where It be
longs. 'Why,' stuttered the indignant
robber, you you you what 'do you
know about my business, anyhow?
'Everything,' said Allen. 'I have fired
most of you thieves from our com
panies at one time and another and I
invented that particular style of reg
ister. Now. put it back.' And," said
Mr. Masterson, "the cabman put it
back. But when Mr. Allen paid his
fare, this nervy chauffeur looked at
idm with "sorrow in his eyes.
"'I think,' said? he, 'that if you're
in the business, you wouldn't mind a
poor guy makin' a 'dishonest dollar for
himself.' "New Ytrfk Sun.
Outwit
W. N. U., OMAHA. MO. TT IsSfl..
Horse Sharper
Did you ever find a lemon in a horse's nose ? How and why did it get there? Did the
last horse you bought go incurably lame the next day? Do you know why? Why
were his ears tied together with a fine silken thread? Perhaps you are about to buy a
horse because you like his " ginger " ? - Are you sure it is health and high spirits, or IS
It ginger commercial ginger? Are you sure you could tell the age of a horse by its
teeth ? Or would your experience be like that other man's, who paid $3500 for a 17-
year-old horse, thinking he .was buying a 7-year-old ? The horse had been " Bishoped.'
nurse Duying ana iraaing oner nunareas 01 opi
nities and temptations-to use trickery and sharp
There is only one way to meet it : read
"HORSE SECRETS" EXPOSED
WA
Bad Break.
Stubb What did the big watchman
in the bank get fired for?
Penn Why, a stranger came in and
said--he wanted to start, something and
the watchman threw him out.
Stubb But I -thought the bank
wanted a man who could handle peo
ple who wanted to "start something?
Penn Yes, but when they picked
this chap out of the mud they found
out he wanted to start a $10,000 account
i Mean Tramp.
1 "And will 'you chop some wood if I
give you a slice of my own home
made pie 7 asked the housewife.
"Ah, mum, it would be a waste of
time," hastened Gritty George, tipping
his hat; Td much rather maul rails."
"But why would you rather maul
raflsr
" 'Cause den. I could rose de pie as a
wedge, mum.
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Doped and Doctored horses
are sold every day; be '
on your guard.
A Partial List of Secrets
SECRETS OP HORSE TRADING
AND SELLING : . "
The loose shoe trek. The turpentine and gaso
line swindles. The horse-hair trick. The fresh
butter and flaxseed tricks. Making: a horse
appear -vicious or unsound. Shutting" a
heaver." Rugging" a " roarer." Hiding
spavins or lameness. The ginger trick. Tricks
of crooked auctioneers. The widow trick. The
'burgiar" dodge and many others.
SECRETS OF HORSE FEEDING
, AND. RAISING:
Successful silage 'feeding to horses. Secret of
band raising a foal. Secret method of fatten
ing draughters. Secret of molasses feeding for
horses.
.SECRETS OF HORSE TRAINING
i AND HANDLING:
Secret of stopping halter pulling. Secret of
-keeping a mule from kicking. Secret of han
dling and curing Dalky.horses. Secret of curing
stall kicking. Etc, etc
It will protect you will make you horse-wise and crook-
save you from being cheated by dopes; or tricks wheal
selliner. or tradincr. It exooses and makes vou acauainted
tricks and handling methods of gyps and a certain cjassof
ulous 'dealers.. Many of the secrets of this book. are now.
puDiic tor tne nrsi time, no sucn conection oi norse.Ji
-Horse Buying, 'Horse Training, and Horse Feeding inf
ever before been published. It is impossible even in this
to Pive a comolete list of the secrets in this sensational book.
j " Horse Secrets " has been prepared by Dr. A. S. Alexandra,
famous vetennanan, who has had upwards of 25 years
in Horse-Buying and Breeding.
How to Secure "Horse Secrets" !
Horse Secrets has all the interest of an exciting storv. The reader saes
from page to page with increasing wonderment at the clever dishonesty wS
norsc iraacrs. 11 is a dook mat .win snarpen your wiis, ana aireaay iac
has far exceeded our expectations. We could sell this book aad sss
sales, too. at almost any price we wanted to ask. But,.we .beBere M
CAN DO MORE GOOD.in another way;. therefore wefer itoajyja ca
tion with the following offer: ' "r'" .-;-.
HorseSecrets and subscription to tl HA'
FARM JOURNAL for 5 years, both for J PIVV
FARM JOURNAL is the paper takes by most farmers, and by at least xjoooo psspi
ar.d Tillages aU over the United States. 650,000 cash-m-adTance sabscribers read every
oeugni ana proni. it is a lam paper lor tanners, dm it is xar wore man teat, apsa
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terns, tne family uoctor, Legnl ynestions, Boys ana bins pages, etc., as wea
Cows. Sheep. Swine. Orchard, and Field Crons.
In short, it is for everybody, town as well as country, and at the same tuae
FARM JOURNAL is.clean aad pore. It nerer has to be earned out of the fcoase wis
Tbe advertising columns receive the most careful scnitiny and'thebars are p all Use sbj
medkal,11 deceptive; suggestive or nasty advertising of any. kind whatever. . - -.
FARM JOURNAL is thirtybree years old, and has grown to be by far Aelargestls
Its score of editors are men and women who write "with their, sleeves rolled upT-.- T
wnax tney are talcing anont. ana can quit wnen tney are tnrougn.
By itself, FARM JOURNAL is worth many dollars a year to every American wto I
sear the country. Yet tbe price, WITH "Horse Secrets " is only fi.oo for FIVE YEARS.
If yon seHdyoWwtoHar wfthlsi 10 days, we will Isclude free "I
Revived" our splendid 1910 Fans Almanac. 48 treses of tiseM
reading, caleadar for tfce year 1910, etc.
MwBBSSt-
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FARM JOURNAL, 1087 Race Street, Philadelphia, Pa. .
Gentlemen: Enclosed. find $1.00 for a copy of Horse Seaets.aad
subscription to Farm Journal for five years.
'Name.
P. 0.
Street or R. F D..
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As I send this within 10 days, send me "Poor Richard Revived,
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Farm Journal, 1087 Race St, Philadelphia
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