The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, June 09, 1909, Image 6

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Merry Moments
With Humorists
Benefits of
After having observed, such other
members of the human race as have
come within my sight during the past
30 years I have come to the conclu
sion that philosophy is a good thing
"for us to use every day. Too many
of ur. go through life without its bene
fits. We turn away from it in -repugnance
and around the corner meet
disappointment and regret.
All of us do not know that wis
dom may be extracted from the small
things of life, and that its application,
like the bumble mustard plaster, often
brings contentment and peace.
Nobody would expect to be taught
philosophy by a hornet, for instance,
but a hornet can teach it and impress
a lasting lesson, although a hornet is
"but a little thing. A hornet is but a
trifle in the great universe just a
detail in the insect world, with the
accent mostly on the last syllable.
I do not remember having seen a
more lasting or thorough lesson than
the one that was taught to me by
a hornet.
When I met the hornet he was on
his nest, apparently in a bad frame
of mind. At least he seemed to be
that way. I was not in a hurry, so
I stopped to look at him and make an
investigation as to the cause of his
unhapniness. I noted his keen glance
and angry aspect anL-they appeared
to be out of place in one so small and
Irad Biglow's Criminal Barometer
"Trunk packed?" angrily demand
ed Irad Biglow's cousin, now resolved
to be rid of the aged kinsman's un
welcome presence.
Irad, disconsolate because there
was no shelter to receive him, re
mained in the splint-bottom chair and
swallowed convulsively. Then he
.pleaded: "Wait a moment, Edgar, till
l think out in detail that danged bar
ometer of mine. Say, 1,500 families
in this section, each "buying one for
i$2.50 apiece"
Edgar mentally cast up the total,
but wise from past experiences, he
.'repeated: "Trunk ready for the
"Giving a profit of $3,700 on the
first batch," mused the old man,
"figgering that we peddle 'em our
selves." "Peddle what?" asked Edgar, forget
ting his resentment enough to take
a chair. v . -.
Irad cocked his feet on the "worn
trunk and replied: "Why, my Crimi
nal Barometer I was telling you about
By Judas! It was,. Cousin Freeman,
"If the Tube Registers Horse Thief."
not you, who was interested in that
Fooling with science makes a man
forgit everything else. Excuse me.
If you'll take the hind end"
"Just a jiffy," remonstrated Edgar,
his eyes narrowing. "Do you mean
you've got something Freeman will
invest money in?"
"He seems anxious that way," con
fessed Irad, rising and yawning.
"Well, I'm ready"
"To take your new invention to
the man what never treated you de
cent" accused Edgar, hotly. "I
treat you like a a brother "
"Don't Edgar," begged the old man.
"Ill hold Freeman off and tell you
about it when we next meet"
"And so you'd rush over to Free
man's to-night?" cried Edgar. "Any
religious scruples about paying me a
civilized visit? Unstrap that dinged
trunk. You've got to stay here three
- -s more anyway "
The House in
Remarkable History of Three Broth
ers Born in the Sams House, But
All in Different States.
Montana Is believed to possess three
brothers with a history more remark
able than has heretofore been known.
The story is vouched for by Col.
v Thomas C. Marshall of Missoula. Re
publican national committeemat. from
"I believe," said Col. Marshall, "that
the history of the brothers stands un
precedented to the annals of Amer
ican history. That they should' be bonr
in the same house, and at the same
time, each born in a different state,
seems incredulous, and all the more
so when it is stated that the house,
stands on its original site.
" "These brothers are named Wright,
and are now residents of-Missoula
county, Montana. When the elder of
these three brothers was born, that
particular section of the county was
in Oregon, as a portion of the Louis
iana purchase.
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insignificant. He reminded me' or an
army officer returning from the cap-
I Decided to Go Away from There Im
mediately. ture of Aguinaldo, or swimming the
It :s not wise to look a bald hornet
in the face at close range and make
grimaces at him. That is one chunk
of wisdom I tore off that day and
"If you command it in the name
of duty I a'pose I must." sighed Irad.
"And I do," grimly assured Edgar.
"Now what about this barometer?"
Irad combed his whisker thoughtful
ly and explained: "My Criminal Bar
ometer prevents crimes, accidents
and sickness. For $2.50 a family can
avoid doctor's bills and losses."
"How?" gasped Edgar.
"It will look like any barometer,
except on the side will be marked:
Sickness, Fires. Drouths, Brown-Tail
Moths, Potato Rust, Hen Thieves, and
so on through the scale of all misfor
tunes. The liquid in giving 48 hours'
warning turns cloudy opposite the
different words.
"For instance, you git up in the
morning and find the fluid milky up
to Measles. 'You've, got 48 hours'
start of the "disease. What if itvclimbs
to Fires?' Be careful till it goes 'down.
A clear tube means all hunkey "dory.
If the tube registers Horse"Thibfy jest
keep the barn door shutv and your
eyes open." -.- " r
'WilU it tell about crops?" greedily
asked Edgaf. ' f v - ,
""It gives' six months' warning."
readily assured Irad. "Outcome, of
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Medium-Sized Journeys
Joan of Arc was born in Domremy
in 1412, thus carefully antedating the
hipless form, the merry widow hat
and the dlrectoire gown. She knew
there were other matters she would
have to attend to, so she chose an
age when she wouldn't be bothered so
much to keep up with the style.
She was a peasant girl of honest,
therefore poor, parents, and had to
do the milking. Like other husky
farmers' daughters, when Bess would
not "so," Joan would vouchsafe the
old heifer a swat over the perceptives
that would make her sorry she hadn't
died in veal-hood.
Once, just when she had handed
the line-back mooly a clout in the
flarfk-steak that would hold her awhile,
she thought she heard someone
speaking to her. Further investiga
tion convinced Joan that the speaker
was an angel. This made her apolo
gize to the cow. Further chat with
the angel gave her to understand it
was St Michael, and at length she
grew .so at home in his society she
called him Mike.
The message delivered by this angel
was, "Go; put on a business suit, and
fight for France."
Joan was at first reluctant about
it not that it would be any unde
sirable change from milking in fly
time, to real war, but because she
didn't like to wear a three-button
sack-coat and a derby hat But the
voice persisted, so she rolled down
her sleeves, went and bought a suit
and told the French commander she
was ready to enlist
Naturally the comman'r. harried
Three States
"Several years, later a second boy
was born to the Wright family) but in
the meantime Idaho had been segre
gated from the original territory, and
therefore he was a antive of Idaho,
and his elder brother was an Oregon
Ian. '
"Again a son was born to Mr. and,
Mrs. Wright but he was neither .'an
Oregonian nor an Idahoan, but a Mon
tanan, the treasure state having been
sliced from Idaho in the meantime.
Thus three brothers were born in v the
same homse and each -In a' different
"They are getting along in years,
but the house still stands and is still
occupied by the Wright family."
An Innocent Victim.
"Speaking of spring," said the drug
gist, 'as he rested for a moment from
overhauling his soda fountain. "I
bought out a drug store in a town in
Vermont a few years ago. I was a
stranger to the town and its ordi
nances. About the middle of May I
Some of the Best
Things Written
by the Acknowl
edged ' Master,
carried away with me. It was jabbed
into me and permeated -my system
The hornet walked up and 'down
his beat on the outside of the nest,
like a new' policeman, and kept his
eye on me all the time. I cannot
say it was a defiant look he gave
me. It seemed to be more In the na
ture of a warning. I think now that
he was saying to me by fiis actions,
just as plainly as he could have said
in words:
"You tear out of here! Fade away!
Just as I stopped to pick up a
rock the hornet must have said some
thing to the other half million hor
nets inside the nest, concealed there
without my knowledge or connivance,
and they came out to see what he
meant. They knew at once that he
meant me, and an instant later 40 or
50 red-hot musket balls struck me. I
decided to go away from there Imme
diately, and I think I went just as im
mediately as anybody of average agil
ity could have gone.
Time has softened the memory of
that awful experience, but across the
years comes to me a distinct recollec
tion that I applied the theory of
cause and effect, perhaps for the
first time in my life. As a result I
tore out. I ducked, and faded away,
or at least I made heroic and frantic
efforts to accomplish all three feats
at one and the same time.
(Copyright. 1903, by W. G. Chapman.)
village elections told three months
ahead. I tried to git' it up to five, but
there's a psychology about elections
"What about hoss trades?" feverish
ly obtruded Edgar.
"The hardest problem, I have," whis
pered Irad. "I can guarantee only 15
minutes. It ain't a regular disease
like measles, you see. A man would
have to do his swappin' in sight of it"
"Or carry it with him," hungrily
suggested Edgar.
Irad pursed his lips and shook his
head and unstrapped the trunk, and
corrected: "Hardly! on account of
the wires."
"Wires?" choked Edgar.
"Wires leading fromt the electric
motor to the barometer," informed
"Do you mean this contraption must
be run by a motor?" thundered Ed
gar. "By a 75-hoss power non-flexible
motor," mildly explained Irad. "But
the householder puts it in and it's
nothing out of your pocket"
"How much would the motor cost?"
gritted Edgar.
, "I figgered on between $1,100 and
But the rest was lost as Edgar
clattered down the attic stairs.
(Copyright. 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
as he was by the duke of Bedford's
English regency, thought the girl
was very much Ophelia, and wasn't
inclined to listen to her funny talk.
Her first job was to lick the English
at Orleans. She had no cotton-bales
and sand-bags as Jackson had when
he fought the same folks later at New
Orleans, but she had her hat-pin, of
which, naturally, the British were
slow to see the point She made fre
quent sallies. At first, being unfa
miliar with them, she called them
Sarahs. But later she was on better
terms with that mode of warfare.
After awhile the English grew dis
satisfied with her attacks and went
away from there.
Then she took Charles Vfl. to
Rheims and had him fitted with a
crown, and thought her checkered ca
reer was done. "Isn't my man in tho
king-row?" she asked.
They convinced her that the trou
ble was only beginning, and that sha
ought to fight right on.
Eventually she was captured when
she hadn't said "King's ex" or crossed
her fingers and wasn't standing on
wood, and they took her and burned
her at the stake.
Recently a very Ignorant friend of
mine, in buying some porterhouse,
remarked .that if Joan of Arc had lived
to-day they would have found some
thing cheaper than steak to burn her
It is terrible not to know how to
(Copyright 1909. by W. G. Chapman.)
began overhauling the soda fountain,
as I am doing now."
"But that couldn't have anything to
do with the town ordinances." replied
the party :addressed.
"You wait a minute. I noticed that
customers who came in looked at me
in a queer way. but I did not give
much attention until a constable came
in 'and informed me that I was under
"But what for? What had you
"Overhauled my old soda fountain."
"But hadn't you a right to do that?"
"But it was only the middle of May.
you see."
"But what had that to do with it?"
"Why; I spoiled the sleighing. Yes.
sir, it invited summer to come and
summer came, and the snow and the
slelghingdisappeared fully two months
before the usual time."
"And you you ?"
"Oh, I paid the $15 fine and prom-
ised never to do so again, but be
tween you and me that had a good
deal to do with my selling out ant
leaving the state."
24B Kfora E H ME
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i A Fad Party.
Spoon crazes and" monogram fan ep-
rlameics have-been succeeded by" a
rational and useful mania, for each
person apwrnas her own especial hob
by; thetlBore practical the better.
With this in mind a young hostess
sent out Invitations asking each one
'to come prepared to tell of her own
r particular fad; If possible, to bring a
specimen,, and be prepared to talk five
It was a very interesting afternoon.
One lady had selected plates for her
specialty and she brought a most
beautiful old Sevres piece that will
some day be worth a king's ransom.
In her travels plates are always her
quest and her dining room testifies to
her success. Anniversary cups and
saucers was one woman's fad; as each
wedding day comes she adds an ex
quisite cup to her collection. They
are for after-dinner coffee and show
off. to advantage when she serves
black coffee in the drawing room.
A prospective bride adds a towel to
her linen chest every trip she takes;
these she monograms in the colors' of
her bedrooms to be. A dime bank was
the source of one guest's finances
with which to indulge her fad of tea
pots; many of these she bought at
auction shops. 'Handkerchiefs was the
pet hobby of a dainty little maiden
dressed in blue, and she had them
from all over the. world, besides many
nne creations of her own fair hands.
The intellectual girl confessed that
books were her particular weakness,
and she hasmany of them inscribed
with the author's name; also rare first
editions, and a splendid bookplate
drawn by a famous illustrator she was
justly proud of.
Chinese carvings was another fad,
and rare Japanese and Chinese pottery
still another. Prints and engravings
were the special love of a lady who
nearly always wore gray, which ex
actly matched her beautiful hair. All
this led up to the-fact that every one
needed a hobby, something to add zest
to one's journeys; occupy the mind,
and provide, always a topic for enter
taining conversation.
Chafing Dish Fudge Party.
"Bring your chafing dish and aprons
for two on Saturday night at efght"f
This was the message four girls and
four lads of congenial minds received
not long ago. And what a jolly time
they had! The helpful boys donned
the aprons and the girls amid much
merriment instructed them into the
mysteries of fudge building.
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FdDr ttlhe
N many homes, a serviette has to last each person for a week, or, perhaps,
one is allowed for breakfast and lunch, another for dinner, to serve the
week; these often become more soiled on the outside by handling than
they do' from- use ; and a little contrivance, such as we show here, and
which is of French origin, is very practical. It is made like an envelope,
of fine linen or cambric, the width that of a serviette folded in three or four
as preferred, the depth to correspond; the size must, of course, be regulated
by the size of the serviette it is intended-to hold. The edge is ornamented all
round by a drawn thread hem, one end is turned up to form a pocket, the
.other which forms the flap is worked with the spray shown below in open
hole embroidery; the case is fastened by a loop and small button under the
A washing glove or handkerchief case could be made on these lines,
and might' be ornamented with the embroidery design, either worked In
open holes or In raised satin stitch.
Cavalier hats are the height of style
for morning wear.
The low;shoe or oxford Is Just a wee
bit smarter than the pump. r
Pongee serge is a new material, of
a texture altogether lovely.
Cotton flowers are used more on
hats than silk ones.
Marvels of beauty are the fairy-like
scarfs of tinted chiffon with borders of
spangled medallions in delicately bril
liant colors.
Black suede shoes are smart, but
look a bit smudgy, and make one want
to take a bit ot kneaded rubber and
pick out a few high lights.
Crossbar Dimity.
Embroidered crossbar dimity edg
ing Is something we have recently
seen and it has the advantage of be-
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ThereSwas divinity fudge, which is
the verylatest addition to the fudge
family, and all7 sorts of concoctions
that made the plain chocolate fudge of
well, Til say-"my school days," in
stead of how many years ago, look
like a plain little Quaker lady amid
the new fluffy masses filled 'with nuts
and candied cherries.
The making and selling of fancy
fudge nas proved quite a financial at
tribute to one "guild" that numbers
a goodly array of South side girls
among its members.
Even grown-ups enjoy "fudge" par
,ties, as I can cheerfully testify. Any
thing constructed upon a chafing dish
brings with it an element of sociabil
ity and cheerfulness that is hard to
attain In any other way. Long life to
it and its pretty schoolgirl cham
pions. To Find Partners.
Make balls of cotton, tie them with
different colored ribbons two of a
kind, then give the two balls that are
alike to a man. Have the men on one I
side of a door or room separated by
portieres over which there is a grill
or opening. The man is to throw over
one ball, the girl who catches it be
ing his partner. Another way is to
wrap a half of a quotation in one ball
and then match the quotation halves.
A Red Geranium Luncheon.
The most stunning table imaginable
is achieved when red geraniums are
used exclusively as the decoration for
the luncheon. They are available
alike to both city and country host
esses, as nearly every one has a bed
of these brilliant garden flowers and
they are usually at their brightest
when other blossoms are on the wane.
Fill a large glass bowl with the
scarlet posies, using their own rich
leaves for the green. Red candles in
holders of glass, scarlet paper bonbon
and nut boxes, with ribbons of the
same hue leading to the place cards,
which should be white with a red
geranium thrust through the corner.
The hostess should be gowned in
white, with red belt, stock and slip
pers; or the dress may be of red mus
lin with white accessories: First serve
a cherry cocktail, then tomato bouil
lon, salmon croquettes with Julienne'
potatoes, beet salad and raspberry
sherbet The cakes may be iced in
red, as there is a harmless fruit col
oring; a confectioner will make
cream patties to match in coloring if
the order is given a few days ahead.
The Parisienne's Newest Shoes.
Some of the newest shoes made for
the gay Parisian elegantes are of the
variety which' the Americans call "low
shoes." This is the first time that
these have appeared upon the feet of
the real Parisian, and they are quite
an innovation.
The stockings intended to be won
with shoes of this character are wovei
so as to form large squares, which are
very transparent, while the most novel
colors are brick, violet and almost
every shade of peacock blue. Mr.ny
Parisian women are ordering linen
shoes to wear with their linen gowns,
and these, of course, will be the same
color as the dress. The metallic tis
sues, silver, gold and copper, are be
ing made up into charming slippers
for evening wear.
Make Your Hate New.
If the black chip hat which was
worn last summer looks a little dingy,
wipe and brush off all the dust pos
sible. Then rub it over lightly with
a piece of soft silk dipped in olive oil.
Wipe it as dry as' possible, and keep
it where no dust can reach it until all j
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"It is said of us French working
men that we are opposed to religion.
That is not -true. We are done with
an imposed religion, a religion of
forms and ceremonies; but we are
ready to hear if anyone will teach us
the true religion, the religion of free
dom and earnestness."
The speaker, a French workingman
in his blouse, was standing at the cor
ner of a Paris boulevard, talking with
a stranger, whom yet he had recog
nized as "a Christian minister." It
was ten o'clock on a hot August night,
a few weeks after the suppression of
the Commune, nearly thirty-eight
years ago. The smoke of its fires was
still ascending, the bodies were hardly
cold which filled those ghastly
trenches in Pere la Chaise, into which
thousands of Cummunards had been
mown by the avenging cannon of the
army of the republic; the blood was
hardly dry on the wall, not many rods
away, against which 40 priests had
been stood and shot to death by those
Communards in their day of mad
power, for the sole, crime of being
priests. Yet that workingman ,sald
truly, writes Louise Seymour Hough
ton, in the Christian Herald. That in
furiated French mob had not been ani
mated by a hatred of religion in itself,
but simply by hatred of that "religion
of forms and ceremonies." because in
their Inmost hearts they felt that it
had deceived and betrayed them.
The workingman disappeared in the
crowd of the Parisian boulevard, and
has never since been seen or' heard of.
but his words have come sounding
down through all these years, and be
cause of them hundreds of thousands,
yes, a great multitude whom no man
can number, have been taught "the
true religion of freedom and earnest
ness." For the words were spoken to
Rev. Robert W. McAH. then the pas
tor of a large church in England, and
their immediate result was the begin
ning of the work now known all over
the Christian world as the McAH Mis
sion, but to the people of France as
"the Popular Mission," the mission to
the common people.
Readers of the- Christian Herald
know how Dr. McAH left his comfort
able church and, without ever again
receiving a cent of salary, began a
work which, with its halls, its boats,
its itinerant tract distributors, its col
porteurs, its automobile and tent
work, has covered France from Calais
to Marseilles, penetrated into Tunis
and Algiers, and brought the light of
the Gospel to almost pagan Corsica.
Pages might be written of remark
able incidents of the boat and other
(work of this great mission.
"Floating chapels." or "missionary
boats." are so well known to readers
of this paper that it T7ill perhaps be
news to them that this form of evan
gelistic work began with the McAH
Mission. All the rivers of France are
connected by canals, so that there are
20.000 miles of connected inland wa
terways in France. About seventeen
years ago a floating chapel. Le Bon
Messager (The Good Messenger),
was built for the McAH Mission and
launched upon these Inland water
ways to carry the Gospel to as many
as possible of the villages and hamlets
not reached by' railway, many of them
without even a Roman Catholic
.church. A few years later, by the
generosity of an American lady, a sec
ond mission boat La Bonne Nouvelle
(The Good News), was launched. The
story of these two boats might fll!
volumes. The people of many farm
ing hamlets and waterside villages
have heard the Gospel for the first
The late F. Marion Crawford used
to tell of a bright gent whom he
met at a village in Indiana.
"I reckon you are the celebrated
Marion Crawford?" said the stranger.
"My name is Crawford," replied the
"Allow me to introduce myself,"
said the other. "My name is Higgs. I
am in the book line myself, and know
how it goes."
"You are an author?" remarked Mr.
Crawford. "I am glad to meet you."
"Yes. I have puulished a book regu
larly every year since 1890."
"May I ask the name of your latest
"It's the Premium List of the Jones
County Agricultural Fair," responded
Higgs. "Allow me to present you
with-'a copy of it I'm the secretary
of the Jones county board. We're go
ing to beat all records this year. Air
machines, chariot races, baseball
games and trials of speed on track
till you can't rest. Come and spend
time, and heard It "gladly." Night
after night the chapel, seating about
150 people, would be packed with 200
people, wedged beyond
the possibility of the place, perhaps
as many more covering the roof of the
boat and the river bank and the bridge
connecting "twin" villages on opposite
banks of river or canaL When the
boat moves on to the next village the
people follow it three miles, six. nine
and even 12 miles. But it is impos
sible, with only two boats, to visit alt
the r-srside villages and hamlets of
France, even once, much less to re
turn for the ingathering of the spir
itual harvest It is impossible to
know in any detail what are the re
sults of all this work. The majority
of the French people seem to believe
that religion is the enemy of repub
licanism, and that a republican form
of government cannot exist where re
ligion is tolerated. And. in the minds
of the majority of Frenchmen, the
word "religion" is synonymous with
But all this time the McAH 'Mission
has suffered under no such disability.
It is not a church, but a People's Mis
sion, and being by definition a friend
of the people it is therefore a friend of
the republic. "I like to come here be
cause there is no religion here"
meaning no ritual or ceremonial 13
frequently said in a mission hall. No
penalty, social or legal. Is visited upon
the man who enters a hall of the Mc
AH Mission, or walks with one of its
missionaries, or calls one of them to
officiate at a funeral. To those who
know it the mission is a friend, an
agency for their instruction and for
the moralization and the safe and in
nocent recreation of their children.
Soap Tree in Florida.
Side by side grow the soap tree and
the tallow tree. The soap tree yields a
product from which; is manufactured
the purest article of soap that is pos
sible to be made. Indeed, the pulp or
this berry is a natural soap and will
make a lather almost like the manu
factured article. The scap Derry tree
is now creating widespread Interest
and the berries are being Imported
from Algiers and China.
it will pay to plant the trees and
look after their cultivaticn. The prod
uct of the tallow tree also enters into
the product of soap and the two to
gether make a nice combination, and
their cultivation should be looked
after by those interested In new in
dustries. Besides soap the soap ber
ries make a fine oil. and when the vir
tues of the tallow tree are fully known
it may also yield a fine and profitable
oil. The young man who now plants
out a ten or twenty-acre orchard of
these two trees may drop into an easy
fortune. Ocala Banner.
Began to Be Worried.
Little George, who was four yeara
old, had been told many Bible stories.
Among them wa3 the story of the
flood and the building of the ark by
One day a storm threatened. The
clouds grew darker, the wind arose,
and suddenly the rain began to fall.
"Auntie." said George, "do you think
it Is going to storm?" "Yes. 1 think it
will." was the reply.
"Do you think it will be a hard
storm?" asked the little fellow.
"Yes. I think it will be a hard
storm." the aunt replied.
"Well, don't you think some of us
had better begin building an ark?" he
asked. Los Angeles Herald.
An Early London Motor Car.
Motor cars are not quite the novel
ty that some of us suppose. In the
London Daily Advertiser of March 4.
1742, there is a description of "a curi
ous chaise that travels without horses,
lately arrived from Berne." It was
claimed for this pioneer automobile
that it could cover 40 miles in a day.
and it actually ran from Hampstead
to Tottenham Court in less than 40
minutes. This vehicle is said to have
run with "charming ease," which is
more than can be honestly said of
some of its London successors of to
day. the day with us. and it won't cost you
a cent 'Well, this is where I get off.
Good-by, Mr. Crawford. Glad to have
met you."
The genial secretary of Jones coun
ty board wrung Mr. Crawford's hand,
pushed his hat further back 'on his
head, strode do'vn the aisle and got
off the car. leaving the astonished au
thor of "Mr. Isaacs" gasping for
breath. The Wasp.
She Was Excited.
When an American girl goes to Eu
rope she has to learn to do a great
many things she may not have done
In this country. For instance, she
will often have to make speeches. It
i? reported that the countess of Gran
ard made her first speech in Hornsey
at a bazaar, the Liberal party having
the affair in charge. She stood under
the stars and stripes, and for a few
moments had a uad case of stage
fright, but she soon recovered and
made a really good speech.
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