Nebraska Newspapers

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A fruit grower living New Ytfe
re fiads It necessary to Icmb a watch
fee; to guard fcls orchard Is bnaane
enough aot to wast the aog to bite aay
So fee keeps blm on a string. Be
t win stretched under the trees
Am orhcard, and to the wire is
sttacaoC by loop another wire fastened
te the teg's collar. The dog cam ran
Mly ia the direction of the wire, but a
thief la the alght caaH well dlscorcr
that fact, aad the dog is just as nsefal
to hta atastar la driTing out pilferers at
tiwaga he were unhampered.
Ot dear Alderman, will you help ne
to get Into any humble position? Of
tourse I was born and educated In
America, but I couldn't help It.
"Well, bedad, and the cheek of yez.
Then'a not enough offices for oar
lives." .
We will girefiOO reward for any case of
catarrh that cannot be curred with Hall's
Catarrh Care. Taken internally.
F. J. CHENEY & CO., Props., Toledo, O.
It seems something like retribution
when a woman gets employment in a
telephone office and has to say "Hello"
as often as she did "Goodby" when she
was taking leave of feminine acquaint
lances.
Iv aflUetet with Son Eye. see Dr. laaat
fs Ei Water. CrogeutaseUit. So,
oAsa general rule people who art
gifted with large means are without
imagination, and that is why they make
yon so everlastingly tired.
1 1 -
Msnet frae hr Or.KIlBw Oraml
-. Nonts attar Brat day's as. Map
axiaa and SUM trial botUafraa to
waUoua carea. Traatiaa aad
witaaeaa
to Dr. KUaa. fen Area St. Falls. Pa
Worn-out,
' "run-down," feeble women, need
Dr. Pierce's Favorite Prescription.
It builds them up. It's powerful,
restorative tonic, or strength-giver
-free from alcohol and Injurious
drags. The entire system is re
newed and invigorated. It im
proves digestion, enriches the blood,
dispels aches and pains, gives re
freshing sleep, and restores flesh and
strength. As a soothing nervine, it
allays and 6ubdues hysteria, spasms,
and all the nervous symptoms com
monly attendant upon functional
and organic disease. It's the only
guaranteed medicine for women.
It does what is promised or it
asks nothing. It gives satisfaction,
in every case, or the money paid
for it is refunded.
That's the way its makers prove
their faith in it. Contains no alco
hol to inebriate ; no syrup or sugar
to derange digestion; a legitimate
medicine, not a beverage. Purely
vegetable nd perfectly harmless in
any condition of the system.
ran
GLOVES FREE.
Last year we bsyo w? so vera".
il3en(and notap-.lrcf t em J
icUon) b4 we t are reals ana
thnnaind t IS ol
Slaves
ailed to ariva natla
taction
anothar eontra-t wit
Cam n P-rle. -estt a
Ot. wberaay w caa eattt
farther J.otics forni-a
The Weekly Times
EUSSMA Eft ftaWaKr 51.30
QBTBTK
Br Mall Three Months aad a t eft
t'AHC OIT GLOVK8 for........... fZiOU
Ttey arc the 1 omeaLAcrno Gloves (S-Hook).
THE CHICAGO TxlfXS Is kaowa aad rseos
alzed aa the LEADHTO HEWBPAPKB of taa
QRBAT WEST, aad has become a HOUSEHOLD
WORD throughout the TJNnXD 8TATZS. It fts
replete with the sews of the dar. lacIudioaTPoU
tica. Family Uterature. Market Report. Farm.
DeixT. etc. etc. etc The paper alone is worth
the prtee of subscription-OHB DOL2.AX A
TKAS hco enbecrtbera secure a Taloable pre
sareaa for AXJEOST HOTHXHO.
In erdertaa- state plainly the SXZB aad the
DOLOR desires Soaoteead postage stamps la
payment
aaaamher. yoaawt the BEST WKEXXT FA
rKR OF THE WEST end a pair of FXHS. FASH
tOHABLS KID OLOVKS, furnished by Careoa
Pirie. Scott St Co.. Chicago Agent of Foster;
Paul at Co.. fcr the very SMALL aTOaf OF Sl.SO.
Aldras THE CHICAGO TIMES CO,
Chicaca.
RELIEVES an
REMOVES Kaasea. Seas of
- Covoaraox, tax.
REVIVES FAnara ENERGY.
RESTORES Haemal
WunToTtsIm
M. mTSM aKMCIM C? St.
at
lias
thaa m aorattvetlt sni
Mips
IYORY
SOAP
WT FQ EVTIY rWOSE.
AH
mm
DAILYandSDNDAY
9 Pure
'SKETCHES.
&Oietorvi11acobythe8hinInge . ..
Where the white sails, snow-gteeuiing Is the
light.
Creep npoa the tidal riTer of the Wf. ....
fin bad the listening capture ot the night)
At the shading to a close
Of the brightness of the day,
.Have yoa forgotten. lady Bose,
Otxr meeting on the loner? way?
Beyond the dreaiaytownlet. where the trees
With linked branches, golden shadow; spread ;
Where sweet wild-flowers bend before the
breeze, . . . .. ,
And many an arnm lifts her hooded bead;
Where the early primrose blows
Long we lingered, loth to part :
Have you forgotten. Lady Rose.
Oar earnest converse, heart tohaart7
The mossy stone work of the ancient span
That bridged the clear brown waters cf the
stream.
Where round the stepping-stones the eddies
ran.
And slipped away with many a Bunny gleam,
btill beside the river grows
Starr -eyed forgot-me-not ;
Have you forgotten. Lady Rose
The drooping, faintly colored knot?
In the home-garden, where tho ivy crept
Around the rained coping of the wal',
When in mine own, your trembling hand I
And in the silence beard the night-bird's call
Drear and cold the eicning's closo,
Sorrow ol an adverse fate ;
Uno you forgotten LadyUoso,
That parting by the wicket gute?
NAP. SQUASH MITTOX.
The Mittox family was well known
in Xashvillc, Tennessee. 2o .Mittox j
was ever a great man, even wneu
trroat men were so scarce that fair !
ability passed for wonderful lowers.
Old Dave Mittox was a general sup
ply store merchant, and it is said that
he got his start by making specialties
of mink skins and gun flints. Dave
had only one son, a bright but woe
fully lazy fellow, whom everybody
called Squash. The old man rebelled
for a time against this nickname, but!
flnnllv ndontod it and. Doubtless, in
after years, really forgot that his
6on's name was Napoleon. Squash
was distinguished for one thing
cowardice. He was so rank a coward
that he would suffer any sort of indig
nity withoutoffcring to raise his hand
in defense. His reputation grew un
til it appeared that every boy in the
community wanted to make a few
passes at him. Boys were not ad
mitted into "society" until they could
produce evidence of a requisite de
pravity and then show that they
could whip Squash Mittox.
One day a school girl met Squash in
the road. She was weeping as though
a sharp pain had caught up with her.
"What are you crying about, little
girl?" asked Squash.
Cryin' because I ain't a boy."
"What do you want to be a boy
for?"
"So I could whip somebody."
Well, I'm a boy and I ain't never
whipped anybody."
"You must be Squash Mittox,
then?"
"Yes, that's who I am."
"Well, I believe I'll thrash you
right here," andshedidlet in on him;
she whipped him until his cries ar
rested the attention of a man and he
ran to the nlace of punishment, but
when he saw that it was some one
simply beating Squash Mittox he
begged the girl's pardon and hastily
strode away. And it was always
thus. No one seemed to think that a
cruelty was practised when blows fell
upon Squash.
The coward was an apt scholar,and
he ensilv distanced all rivals, but, of
course, he suffered for it. He used to
carry a note-DooK in ins pocKet in
which to enter the name of new as
pirants that came to whip him. Once
when he had been jerked from the
straight path that led to Sunday
school and had been severely beaten,
he took out his book and said:
"Will you please oblige mewith
your name?"
"You bet I will. My name is Jim
Toby, and don't you forget that I
walloped you goin' and com in'."
"I
won't forget it," bquasn re-
plied.
"Well, see that jou don't."
"This book will sec to that."
"What, j'oii puttin' my name down
60 you can have me arrested?"
"I don't want to have you or any
body else arrested. Not one of the
hundreds of fellows that have
thumped me has ever been snatched
up by the law."
"That's all right. You better not
have mc arrested, I can tell you that.
I'd beat you in good fashion then,
sure enough."
"Say, will you care if I ask you a
question?"
"I reckon not. Fire away."
"Well, I would like to know why
you wanted to whip mc? I never did
you any harm never saw you until
to-day."
"It's about this way, I reckon: I
heard that all the boys had whipped
you, and as we have just moved here
I thought I'd have to take a hand,
too. or I couldn't get along with the
boj-s."
Thus the 3-carspasscd until the war
came on. When the scream or tnc
fife and the boom of the drum made
the peaceful air tremble when
bright uniforms took the place of the
dull garb of trade young Mittox,
now nearly twenty years old, kept
away from places of war preparation.
lie shuddered at the sight of a gun.
"What's the matter with you?" his
father one day exclaimed. "What
arc you slipping around this way
for?"
"Because I heard that the State is
going to draft men into the army?'.!
"Suppose it is true; what then?"
"Well, it's hull out with mc"
"What! haven't you got patriotism
enough to light for your State?"
"Well, I never had patrotism
enough to fight for ms'self, and it is
quite natural that I should think as
much of myself as I do of my State
I don't see what the State has done
for me in any way. Nearly every boy
in the State has whaled me, and noth
ing was said about it, and now that
the State is in trouble, she'll have to
take care of herself."
"You are no son of mine!" the old
man shouted.
"I am sure I don't know as to
that."
"You coward!" the old man raved.
"Ah, I do know as to that."
The young man turned away and
was skulking about in a neighbor's
garden, when a voice called:
"Helloa, Squash."
"How are you, Miss Nellie," the
young man replied, bowing to a young
lady who approached from a summer
house.
"Squash, I want to talk to you a
minute."
"All rieht."
"I'm awfully sorry I whipped you
in the road that day along time ago."
"Don't let that worry you. It
doesn't hurt now."
'Oh, of course, it don't hurt now,"
6he laughed. '1 was an awful Tom
boy in those days and somebody ought
to have worn me out."
"Your day will come yet, probably."
"Oh, no, I am too old to whip now.
But that's not what I wanted to talk
about. Youknow there's really going
to be war,"
c T'iri ?fra5d cr "
"Afmiri .d win-, vnn murht, t lie
. ." w
glad of it you oughV to be thankful
f of the chance to glorify your name by
dying for your State."
The young fellow jerked himself
with a contemptuous grunt. "I am
a modest man, Miss Nellie, and Idon't
want any glory."
But you'll surely go into thearmv,
won't you?" -
Not if I can help myself."
Oh, Squash, I thought better of
you."
."What, and after whaling me in the
road, too?"
"Oh, Squash, if you love me, join
the army."
"Love you?By gracious, who said
that I loved you?''
"Brother Tom says so"
"Well, you tell your brother Tom
that if I wasn't afraid of him I'd call
him a liar."
"Then you do not love me?" she
exclaimed, with a theatrical start.
That's what I said, Miss Nellie,
but if it is going to put you to any
trouble, I'm sorry I said it."
"I will call my brother Tom."
'Oh. no, no. I will promise any
thing for your ake. You said some
thing about my loving you. Now,
tell me that you love me."
"What!" she shrieked. I love you?
I am a great mind to call Tom and
hfiYi him snrcad vou out thin in the
path
How could I love you, you
cowardly wretch?"
"I don't know, I'm sure, never hav
ing taken the trouble to investigate,
but when you spoke of my loving you,
I didn't know but that you might
sorter half way love me."
I never thought of such a thing,
you old coward you. Tom was tor
menting mc about you the other day,
jinii Kiiii that vou were dying of love
for mc, and I thought that if you
were 1 mignt possiuiy get juu w go
into the army." -"Is
Tom going?"
"Who, my brother Tom? Well, I
reckon he is. Father has bought him
a tent and ever so many things
canned stuff and dried beef and
pickles. He's going to be a sutler
and being that is right up next to
the general. And you won't join the
army?"
"No, I am not afraid of having my
feelings wounded."
"Well, then, go away from here,
you good-for-nothing thing."
"Say, wait a minute, Miss Nellie."
"Well, what do you want?"
To tell you the truth, I've been in
love with you ever since you whipped
me that day."
"I don't love you, you coward."
"And I thought," Squash contin
ued, "that I would come over and ask
you to marry me."
.. A. ...... VA
"Here Bose, here," the young iaay
cried, calling the dog. "Whew-efc
whew-et," she whistled. Squash took
to his heels.
The parade of war's preparation
passed; the slaughter of battle came.
Squash was drafted. The terror of
his cowardly nature flew into words
of pleading. He said that he would
work for the Government; ne wouia
dig wells and curry horses chop
wood or do anything bo long as he
should be kept out of danger, but he
could not stand out and be shot at.
"Other men have to stand it," an
officer replied.
"Oh. ves. but the thought of it is
not as terrible to them as it is to me.
Somehow I am tenderer than other
men, and having more of the start
ling imagination of fear, picture a
thousand wounds. I am a coward,
and the coward more than all other
men should excite your pity, for the
poet has said that cowards die many
times."
"You'll have to go."
"But what's the good taking me?
I'll be too scared to shoot. It will be
simply leading mc out to be shot."
"Well, in paying their respects to
you, the enemy my neglect some man
that is a good shot."
They took Squash to the war, but
he ran away. They brought him back,
but it usually took two men to guard
him. One day a captian stopped
where Squash was digging up a stump,
and after looking at him a few mo
ments, said:
"They keep you pretty busy,
Squash."
"Yes, I hardly get time to eat"
"If you were a better soldier you'd
not be a common laborer:"
"Yes, but I might get shot, and I'd
rather work like a cart horse than to
be dead."
They managed to shove him to the
front once, but when he caught sight
of the enemy he threw down his gun
and mysteriously disappeared.
When the war was over Squash
went into business with his father,
who still handled mink skins, al
though improvement in flre-arms bad
compelled him to give up gun-flints.
The business prospered, and Squash
was known as a man of means, yet
some fellow would come into the store
occasionally and "whale" him.
One day the . following advertise
ment astonished the readers of the
leading newspaper of Nashville:
To the Public Two months from now I
shall bo 30 years old. and on my birthday I
am poing around with my notebook, relig
iously kept during many painful years, and
whip every man (if I can find him) whoso
name I have therein entered. I have been
a coward all my life anxLjhave suffered a
thrms.iml douths in consOTUcnce. Counico.
we all know, is a matter of argument. I
have reasoned with myself, and on tho 6th
day of June I will be a couragouous man.
instead of a coward. I am in excellent con
dition for fighting. Tho trench exercises
and stump dibcinline which I went through
during the war. have hardened my muscles
and enlarged my fists. I deem this notice
sufficient, and shall not specially address
each individual, warning him of my inten
tion. I may be whipped as usual up to
11:30 p.m. on the 6th day Juno, but after
that 1 trill never submit to the slightest in
sult. Napoleon (Squash) Mittox.
The advertisement raised a great
hawhaw, and one man who had not
whipped Mittox since the old school
days, went around to indulge in that
nleasurc. Souash offered no resist-
Hereeeived his "thumping"
ancc.
as auietlv as consistency would admit,
and then bought ten mink skins from
a fellow who had just come down the
river on a raft.
"If you are not satisfied," said the
visitor, "I will give you some more."
"I am perfectly satisfied," Squash
answered. "In fact, I was satisfied
i before you came in. If you have no
further business with .me, 1 win pay
this man for his mink skins."
The morning of the 6th of June ar
rived. Squash whistled about the
store, seeming to enjoy his new era of
life. Just before noon he went out
and walked 'straightway to the whole
sale dry goods store of James Toby.
The proprietor was busy iiMais private
office. ' NK
"Is this Mr: Tobyr Squash asked,
glancing at his ahtebouk. ". "
. "Yes.-siriavastat" "
"Don't cSr&to sltdown. Yon don't
remember niMlo you?"
"Well, your face looks familiar." ,
"Ah. ah, I suppose so; used to be a
little more familiar than it is now.
By the way, did you see my advertlss-
ment?"
"Really, I don't know, as I see so
many."
"My name is Kapoleon Mittox, and
1UUI niiunu us kniuuot.
"Oh. vesi" the wnoicsaic mcrcuauu
I exclaimed, "I know you now. You
had no whiskers when I saw yon last.
I saw your funny advertisement the
boys were laughing at it. You are
getting to be quite a humorist. lam
glad to see you." " ,
I suppose so. Say, do you remem
ber catching mc one day as I was go
ing to Sunday-school, back in the
fifties?"
"Yes, yes, to ue sure. Ah, the
rollicksomeness of those old days!"
"They were somewhat rollicksome,"
said Squash, "and that's the reason I
have called on you," and with another
word he hauled off and knocked the
wholesale merchant down. There
never was a more astounded man. nc
uttered a horrified exclamation, and
scrambled to his feet. Squash knocked
him down again, kicked him into a
corner, poured a jug of ink on his
bald head and hastened away.
The avenger stopped on a street
corner, looked at his note-book, and
read the following entry: "Whipped
by S. W. Culp, Dec 14, 1860." An
other entry of recent date, contained
the following information, "Mr.
Culp is now postmaster."
Squash hastened to the pcstofllcc.
ne was told that the postmaster was
bus'.
"I can't help it. I must sec him.
My business is of great importance."
He was shown into the postmaster's
private ollice. The Government man
looked up and said: "Well, sir?ft
"Don't remember me, do you?"
"I think not."
I am Squash Mittox."
"Oh, yes; but it has liccn a icog
I time since we met. I was about to
leave here to join the Union army
when I saw you last, I believe."
"Yes; but 3ou saw mc on one par
ticular occasion long before that."
"Ah, when was that?"
"The day you tied my shirt when I
was in swimming when you threw
mud on mc when I came out.
' 'Why, Squash, I hadn't thought of
that for years," the postmaster
laughed. -What a memory you have
of those glowing old days. I am really
glad to see you."
"Did you see my advertisement?"
"No. What business arc you in?"
"I am a tanner."
"That so?"
"Yes, and I have come here to tan
you," and before thepostmasterknew
what was meant, Squash was on him;
he choked the astonished man to the
floor, pounded his head with a spit
toon, left an old quid of tobacco in-one;
of his eyes, and hastened away to caU'
on some bther man whose name help
a place in the note-book. 4
That evening a servant t entered a
drawing-room and addressing a hand
some woman, said:
"A man wants to see you in dc gar
den." "In the garden! Why doesn't ho
come into the house?"
"Said he couldn't 'lows he must
6ee you out dar."
The young woman went into the
garden. A man stood in the walk.
"Did you send for mc, sir?"
"I did. You don't know me, do
you?"
"Why, of course, I do, Squash.
How are you, and what do you want
with me?"
"Did you see my advertisement?'
"Yes, and had a real good laugh
over it.'.'
"Glad vou enjoyed yourself. I have
been around to-day whipping people.
Do you remember going along the
road once, crying?"
"Yes."
"And you remember whipping
me?"
Oh, yes, Squash; I have thought
of it a thousand times."
"Well, I don't like to strike a wo
man, but I have come to whip you."
"Oh, Squash, you wouldn't hit me.
You don't know you " she hesi
tated. "You did meet me in the
road once, and I was crying crying
because I loved you, and I whipped
you because you didn't have sense
enough to see it. I pretended not to
know you, but I had watched you
many and many a time, and loved
you."
He took her in his arms.
"You wouldn't whip me, would
you, Squash?"
Come with me, precious," he said.
fArkansaw Traveler.
The Earth's Oatrtfusal Force.
The terrific orbital speed of the
earth, about 58,000 miles per hour,
tends to impress most minds with
I the bcheitnat a tremenaouscenu-nu-
gal force is exerted, which they also
think is necessary to prevent the
earth from falling into the sun.
Whether or not we depend entirely
upon this force to keep us outward in
space, and away from the much too
ardent embrace of the great center of
the solar system, may not just now be
fully determined, but if so we are
certainly held out by a very slender
cord, as we understand these matters.
To place this earth's centrifugal
force matter within reach of the most
common understanding, we will im
agine ourselves driving around a cir
cular race course one mile in diame
ter, which makes about a three-mile
course, actually 3.1410 miles, ana
making the circuit in 39 minutes. In
order to reduce the speed to that time
we would have to drive at a vcryslow
trot, in fact but little above a fast
walk. While traveling at such a
speed around such a circle in a buggy,
or in any other kind of a vehicle, no
one would be conscious of any cen
trifugal force being in operation, and
fact there would be no appreciable
force more than could be measured by
any known method of measuringsuch
forces. And yet the centrifugal force
exerted upon each particle of matter
embraced in such a driving outfit is
substantially identical with the force
operating upon each atom of matter
! composing our pianetin its circuit
around the sun.
The earth in its daily revolutions,
however, does considerably better, as
we would baveto make the circuit of
the race course in about 16 minutes to
produce the same effect, centrif ugally
speaking. But even then we would
be totally unaware of a centrifugal
force being exerted. On the contrary,
if one of us should mount a horse in
side a circus ring and have it started
at a full run around-the ring, we
would learn in an instant of time that
we would have to lean well inward
toward the center or else fly off out
ward.
Centrifugal force must not be con
founded with momentum, as there is
but slight connection. Momentum is
due to motion in any direction; cen
trifugal force to circular motion only.
The centrifugal force exerted by re
volving bodies is directly as to their
distances from the center, and in
versely as the squares of their cir
cular velocities, or the number of
revolutions made in a given time. A.
J. Borne, in Mechanical News.
CaUlas; the Verataa Kaet
Mrs. Young John, did you succeed
in matching that piece of dress-goods
I gave you this morning?
Mr. Yotfng Kb; my time was too
nrecious: but (triumphantly) I've
bought enough of something else
make yov a new gown! (Tuck.
MR. AND MRS.
BO WSEIL I
UNITED
ASSAULT UPON THE
HOUSE-FLY.
r. Bowser SeeslMjPeteaelYea te Econo
mise and at tho Same Time Kesew Ufa
Skill with Carpeaters Tools Densest! e
auSacaltiea of tho Bowsers.
Hewer as a Carpenter.
kO you pass a
I carpenter -shop
on your way
downtown?"
asked Mrs.
Bowser the
other morning
as Mr. Bowser
was ready to
leave the house.
"Why?" he
cau t iously
asked in reply.
"Wc ought to
have a screen-
door to the kitchen. There's where all
the flies come in. We can use one of
these doors wc brought with us, but
we'll have a carpenter to hang it."
"Wo will, eh? I beg to differ. I
don't propose to pay no carpenter three
or four dollars for doing what I can
do in half an hour. I'll fix it myself."
"But don't you remember, Mr.
Bowser don't you remember that
you"
"That I what?"
"You tried to hang a scrccn-door
last Summer in Detroit and you got
so mad you nearly tore the house
down."
"I did, eh? That's a pretty yarn
for you to stand up there and spin!
In the first place, I never tried to
hang a scrccn-door, and in the second
I never got mad."
"But you you" she stammered.
"Nothing of the sort! I don't
even remember that wc had a scrccn
door. I never tried to hang one. I
never gotrmad. I never even saw a
fly around our house in Detroit.
Change of climate seems to have had
a very queer effect on 3'ou."
"But won't you send up a car
penter?" "Not by a jugful! I shan't have
anything to do at the office this after
noon, and if there's a bit of tinkering
around the house it will be fun for
mc."
He returned at noon, having a
heavy parcel with him, and when Mrs.
Bowser asked about the contents he
cut the string and replied:
"Just a few tools. Come handy to
tinker with. Every man ought to
keep a few tools and do his own re
pairing. I think I saved us at least
8200 last year."
"Well, I hope you won't fly mad
over your work. A scrccn-door is a
very particular thing to hang."
"Oh! it is! You've hung lots of
'em, I presume!"
"I know that it takes a skilled
workman."
"You'd better write a book and
call it: "What I Know about Screen
Doors.' I ought to feel awful proud
to think I have Mich a smart wife!
Bun right in, now; and begin on the
first chapter of your book!"
Mr. Bowser descended to the cellar,
where he found four screen doors of
different sizes. He selected one he
thought would fit and carried it up.
It was six inches too high. The nexv
was four inches too short. The third
was almost long enough to make two
such doors as he wanted. He had
the fourth one, which was almost a
fit. in the back yard, when Mrs. Bow
ser came out to say:
"If you had first measured your
opening and then measured your
doors, you wouldn't have had to lug
up this one."
"Wouldn't I ? Perhaps you under
stand my object in bringing up the
extra ones ? Perhaps it is the duty
of a husband to explain every little
move he makes?"
"AM I A TURBLIND CTTTLD?"
The door had to be sawed off about
an inch at the top. Mr. Bowser
brought outa couplcof kitchen chairs,
made a scratch on the door with a
nail, and was about to use the saw,
when she asked:
"Aren't you going to strike a line
across there?"
"For what reason?'
"Tf vou don't you can't saw
straight."
"Can't I? Tertians I am blind!"
When he finished sawing off the
strip and held the frame up to the
opening it was plain that he had run
his saw at an angle.
"I told j'ou so," she quietly ob
served. 'Told mc what!" he replied, as he
turned on her. "Do you suppose I
don't know what I'm about! Do you
imagine I wanted a straight top on
that door! If you know so much go
ahead and finish the job!"
Mrs. Bowser went into the house,
and Mr. Bowser held the frame up
again to sec that he would be obliged
to tack on a strip or leave an opening
for all the flies in New York State.
He was sawing a piece off one 01 the
other doors to make this strip when
Mrs. Bowser appeared and said:
"You'll spoil that door, too, Mr.
Bowser. "Why don't you take a piece
from this box? If you had put a
& u
MM-
t.'nj: ii ji " s
nf'
straight-edge on thcothcrand marked j back- home, which miscarried for
it you would have been all right." j some cause, and receiving no answer,
"Mrs. Bowser," he began as he j he gave up the idea of returning, con
laid down his saw, "am I a purblind j tenting himself to live in his new
child five or six vcars old. who must : home. He left four children, all of
be brought in when it rains, or am I
the man of the house, forty years of
age and generally supposed to have
sense enough not to sit under a pile
driver to eat my dinner?"
tJBut you'll never make that door
fit," she protested.
"If I don't no other man on earth
need try!'
She went In again and lie sawed offj
n ctKMKiinl ifiil.-l it mi riiwit Virr fffMir. '
rrimn iii i-M ii. .s:i to Hurt tilts fniiiitt
half an inch too long. Mrs Bowser'
to reappeared and was about to say stratum mere, -yi., uku, h wuim
I omethlng, but he glared athersojsheisgomgaway'saidtheijcssiiiilst.
sm,fc,y that 8nc wcnt " WIth0U'
The infernal old kitchen is cither
lifting up orsittingdown!" he growled
as he held the door up. "I've got to
saw a piece off the bottom to make a
fit, and she'll cither lit or down comes
Mm . a A.
iincsnamy,
j He sawed off a piece and got what
he callca a nt. xie smueu auu
chuckled over his success, and had
the hingeson when Mrs. Bowser came
out to ask:
"What good is a door if you leave
all those cracks?"
"Cracks! Cracks! You can't find
one!"
"Look here and here and here!
Mr. Bowser, even the bumble-bees of
New York would have no trouble in
flying.in there. And how arc you
putting that spring on?"
Mr. Bowser laid down the hammer,
the gimlet and the screwdriver, and
after wiping off his flushed face he
stood erect and pointed into the
kitchen. Mrs. Bowser disappeared
without a word. Then he inspected
and found cracks.
Confounded old door-way is out of
plumb, and that's the matter!" lie
growled, as he sot to work to unhinge
it. When he got the door off he
nicked it this way and that and tried
it again. More cracks than before.
He took it down and sprung on the
top with all his might, and this time,
as he held it up, there was a crevice
through which a sparrow could have
flown. He started to lay it flat on
the ground, but fell forward, tumbled
over himself and sprawledon his back.
"What's the matter?" asked Mrs.
Bowser from the bae'e door.
Mr. Bowser slowly arose, looked all
around for the ax, and not seeing it
he jumped at the scrccn-doors and
kicked with both feet until they were
reduced to strings and strips. Then
he went up to Mrs. Bowser, panting
and perspiring and pale-faced, and
hoarsely whispered:
"This is the last time the very
last! Next time 3-011 coax mc into
doing any such infernal puttering
work around the house I'll go go,
never to return!"
"When did I coax you?"
"Never you mind! It's all right!"
"But I say"
"Just keep quiet! I am neither
blind nor deaf. If we live together
ten billion 3-cars longer don't 3011 ask
me to even bore a hole in a table-leg
for a caster! This is the limit! I'm
dangerous from this on!" New York
World
Illlctii from Sweden.
Hilda was honest, Hilda was faith
ful, Hilda was thrift', but above all,
Hilda was conservative.
She had "been over" long enough to
become quite Americanized, but she
still wore her funny knitted jacket
and short home-spun petticoat and
stout Swedish boots, while Marfa next
door, who had come over at the same
time, had long since gotten into
braided Jerseys, draped skirts, with
bustles and American shoes of shoddy
leather, with high heels and narrow
pointed toes.
Hilda thought that the Swedish
way of Cooking and baking, and the
Swedish methods of washldg scmi-oc-casionally,
were far superior to any
American ways. So at first we ate
ur Swedish bread and gagged over
thin Swedish soups made of prunes
and raisins, and we put off washing
until we were reduced to staying in
bed while our clothes were washed.
Hut we liked our own customs better,
so with a sigh Hilda put the house
wifely traditions of her beloved Swe
den behind her and turned her un
willing footsteps into the paths laid
out by the authors of American cook
books.
Marfa spoke English much better
than Hilda. She "liked the Jankee
songs best," and she sang "Good-by,
My Lover, Good-by," and "Pcek-a-boo,'
while Hilda hummed the old
country hymns which were so dear to
her heart.
"Hemat, licmat, mat stranden
Dor matt cj varUer mcr "
Hilda softly sang, with a far-away
look in her eyes, but Marfa's shrill
trcbel sang out iu
Tink-cboo, pink-a-boo.
Ay see you hading thar."
and quite drowned the sound of
Hilda's sweet little voice.
1 think that "she" must have been
the first Entrlish pronoun that nilda
learned, and I always laid the ten
acity with which she clung to its use
to her natural opposition to a change,
lie that as it may that pronoun
as Hilda used it might stand for any
thing under the sun; and you might
be an expert mind reader if you
grasped its relation at once.
In a conversation one day, in which
Marfa, the time of day, and the poor
quality of the last box of soap had
figured as the subjects, Hilda shook
her head mournfully and said:
"I can't do nothing with her. I
am afraid she's getting fast!"
Visions of pretty Marfa getting Into
bad company came before mc and I
askca with real concern. "Who,
Marfa?"
"So, mam, the clock; she is getting
prokc lately." -"
Again Hilda rushed up-stairs, tho
picture of wild-eyed despair, and
wringing her hands, wailed, "Oh, sho
burnt!"
Startled half out of my wits I man
aged to gasp. "Who? Tell mc
quick!"
"Why, the roast, roam; I forgot
her and she is spoil."
Wholly disgusted I resolved then
and there never to bcr in the least up
set by anything that Hilda might tell
me; so, scion after this when she ap
peared with with a foreign letter in
her hand and with a sad face an
nounced "Sho is dead."
I coolly asked: "Who, Hilda?"
and Hilda, the conservative, tearfully
replied: "My grandfather." Marie
More Marsh.
Tennyson's Enoch Arden Eclipsed.
When it comes to a show-down be
tween Mr. Tennyson's Enoch Arden
and the following true story from the
Paris Jlermry it will be seen that
grand old Jlissouri is still in it:
"Oliver Smith left thiscountryinthe
spring of 1850 for California during
the gold excitement, and was not
heard of here until last spring. Ho
worked in mines there for a year, and
upon hearing that his wife was dead
he drifted away to the gold fields of
Anstmliu. He wrote several letters
j whom are dead, they leaving two chil
dren. His wife is still living anne
age of 67 years. He was 25 years old
when he went away. Mr. Smith will
return home next month, and no
doubt will meet a hearty welcome
from his wife and relatives, as well
.is nlfi friends, many of whom have
! long thought him dead."
"Just sec how fondly that man
I kissed his wife good-by, said
optimist.
'Thcic is no sham demon- i
a . .. s- jf X 1. .-.-..
M1S9INQ LINKS.
A nnnroKiMTosx fa hot weather trsT
's at tho avers rate of thirty sailas aa
hour.
Thk words in common osa by the or
dinary Individual are estimated at from
1,000 to 3,000.
Browx UxrvaaWTT has decided to ad
mit women to Its classes on the same
conditions as aiea.
TiiK smallest tree that grows In Great
Britain may be seen on the very top of
Ben Lomond It Is the dwarf willow,
which, at maturity, reaches a height ?
only two Inches.
KeM:uel from the Depths of Misery.
Tharclaery endured by anfortanatea wkese
livers are derelict la daty is BBapeakable. fclck
headaches, nausea, coatiTeness, disorder ol the
digeaUve apparatus, heartburn, vertljo, Barest,
onrnesa ot tho breath, uneaamets beneath the
abort right ribs aad right ahoaller blade, fickle
apixtite.are among tho hateful indicia of bilioua
Haas, which, however, peedUy Taaleh when Hoa
tettcr's Stomach Bitten ia employed a a regu
lator. Most eflectuaUy la Its work ot disciplin
ing carried oat, as a complete renowal of tho di
gestive, secretive and eracuatlTe functions satis
factorily proves. In cases of malarial disease the
lireris tho principal gland Involved, and for mal
adies of a malarial type Ilostotter's Stomach
Bitters Is an absolute specific As a laxative
painless but effective it is unrivalled, and it is
an almirabln preventive of chronio kidney
trouble and rheumatism, aad a supjrb ganexul
tou'i and corrective.
The Vaiaar Girl Dafemled.
Fay a prominent citizen of Rochester:
Talk about a Vassar girl not bo'ng able
to mako bread ant- attend to tho duties
o homo; I tall you they know more than
the pcoplo of this world give thorn credit
for They are tho best cooks In too
word, in spito of all the slurs throws
out against them, for they know how to
manage and care for things systematic
ally somothing that the uneducated
woman an never, never learn. The
records pro.e what I am telling you.
Sinco tho foundation of tho school no
Vassar girl has ever been dhorcod from
her husband. Thero has been no occa
s;on for It. I know what I am talking
about, for I marriod a Vassar girl."
The Oaly
One Ever mated Caa
Tea
Find-the Word?
Thcro is a 3-inch display advertisement
In thK paper this week, which lias no two
words alike except one word. The samo is
truo of each new one appearing each week
from Tho Dr. Ilartcr Medicine Co. Tills
houso places a "Crescent" on cerytliiiiK
they make and publish. Look for it, send
them the name of tho word, and they will
return you book, BEAOTirut. ijtuogkapiis.
Or SAMfI.ES ritEE
A Girl Ia Not Pretty
WI103 sho cannot look ono honestly in
th"" eye.
When she ha an acquaintance with
tho rougo pot
When sho .shows hor bad humor and
puts on frowns.
When she thinks to tmprovoon nature
and b'eaches her hair.
When sho does not keop her hands
fcrupnlo lsly clean.
Whon sho does not stndy tho stylo of
dalr-dro3sing that Is suited to her, and
pcr-is'.s in wearing it Id an unbecoming
manner.
Bkoxctiitis Is cured by frequent small
doses of 1'iso's Cure for Consumption.
A kinc of France onco had a falcon
which escaped from Fontalncbleau, and
in twenty-four hours after was found ia
Malta, a spaco computed to Lo at not
loss than 1,- 50 miles, a velocity equal to
: miles an hour, supposing tho hawk
kj hae been on tho wing tho whole
Blfl.
f
Out of Sorts
Describes a fooling- peculiar to persons of rtys
lirptic tendency, or caused br chance ot climate,
Feason or ife. Tho stomach is out of order. J he
ht-td ached or doea cot feel right.
The Nerves
m m sralnc d to their nlmost. the m i nil la eonfssed
and irntaWo. This condition find aa cxcelleut
(ono live in Hood's SawaparilU, which, by ila
ftguUtinit and toning powtr.'. soon
Restores Harmony
to tho system, and gives strenirthcf nilnJ. nsrvea
a-id bo Jy. K. B. Bo sure to get
Hood's Sarsaparilla
ehlch la curative power ia Peculiar to lUelf.
rE
ffeavEToHiG
Uatber He Without Bread. XI
Bishop's Residence, Marquette, Mich.,
Nov. 7. lfcftA. J
ThaKcv. J. Kossbfcj, of above place, trritea:
I 'is.vo suffered a great deal, and wbeneer I
c w feol a nerou3 attack coming I to&e a dose
: Pcsior Koeni'a Nerve Tonic and feci re-
.td. I think a great deal of it, and would
I .ther be without bread than without tho Tonic
Tireelef Urlac
Pomro, Wis., 1690.
Two yaars ago last February I commenced
having epileptic attacks, and could not rest a
minute without having ray limbs jerk. I was
almost tired of living, when 1 heard or Pastor
ICoeuig's Nervo Tonic, and thank the Lord I got
woil after using only one bottle ; and I will never
torcot in m7 prayers what this medicine did for
ro. MISS MAY WtTlCK.
FREE
i A Taloable Itook en Nerrows
Disease sent iree m any aauryso.
and poor patients can also obtain
this medicine free of chance.
This remedy has been prepared by the Beverend
Pastor Koenig. of Fort wavne. ina. since io.au.
Snow prepared under his UirccUoa by tho
KOENIG MED. CO., Chicago, III.
SoM by Druggists at 1 per Bottfe. &
r,rc-.,slsc.?J.7S. G Bottle Car 9.
SHILOH'S
CONSUMPTION
CURE.
The meets of this Great Cough Care h
without a parallel in the history of medicine.
All druggists are authorized to sell it on a poa.
kive guarantee, a test that no other cure can sac
cessfully stand. That it may become knows,
the Proprietors, at an enormous expense, arc
placing a Sample Bottle Free into every hosaa
a. the United States and Canada. If you have
a Cough, Sore Throat, or Bronchitis, use it, for
k will cure you. If your child has the Croup,
or Whooping Cough, use it promptly, and rehel
b sure. If you dread that insidious disease
Consumption, ne it. Ask your Druggist km
SHILOH'S CURE, Fnce lo cts., 50 cts.
l.oo. If your Lungs are sore or luck
mt Shiloh's Porous Plaster, Price i$ c
TOD imt SAVE MONETi I
Ttsae. Fala, IroaWe,
awdwlll CURE
CATARRH
by canto -
ELY'S CREAM BALM.
n-.lv Halm istoeacBtrU.
L3mKkl
,,
SOmWfri
'Hk
fXY BROS.. 5 Wanva St. lf.X !
M
FAT FOLKS REDUCED
Vn. Alio If sol. Orsaoa. Ms-- wrius:
r- AHa W.nl flwmm III! If writASI
i "ll
Mr ealsht was 330 pounds, bow it is U6.
lbc" Foreirelsfidri.itlia
reduction or 19 a. orciiw."""".sn.
DETECTIVES
VuM la rrr Chw sm la tta Bert Barvte mer
iMuutiiM tnm Caps. Bis ts-Calf T Vmnm&m ot
Ctartaud. IwninwrHimnirr. ftttiaslanftM. Attrtm
efrcaaaa sTctacUva r Ce. i Ast4. Cia:Um. O.
PILES
AKABTJUrtveBlartaat
relit end is SB UtTjklifr
MJi ITJBE far PTlE.
Pries. $1; at druaxlxtsor
by Kail. SeTpTes fcS:
JSoxaus, Nsw Yeas errs.
aeiCeiaptea:eejreeCertla?aleaw
af Urn ttm feSBSO sss w
Piwvs kemkdt roK CATAKRH. Best Easiest te m 99uam
1SsLelt5ief U UreeaUte. cure is eerttui. tm B
fgfM CoMiaUicllearfUhasnooqtt.il. . M
th6 I bbbbbbbSssbW (bbbT " TK3 BWafsjBkl BB. H Bkssl BseBBBBsf
Hafti It is an Ointment, oi wnica a sraau panicie is appuca le use BBBB
I BirtT1 ITice. Wc.. Beid by gyy.-"", ""L H
Ijermari
Syrup'V
Those who hate aot
A Throat used Boscfcee's Ger
. . man Syrup for sons
and Lunar severe fmd &&
Specialty. trouble of the Throat
and Lungs caa hard
ly appreciate what a truly wonuer- :
ful medicine it is. The delicious
senations of healing, easing, clear
ing, streagth-gathering and recover
irr, -re unknown joys. For Ger
tr.an Syrup we do not ask easy cases.'
Sugar and water may smooth a
throat or stopa tickling forawhile.
This is as far as the ordinary cough
medicine goes. Boschee's. German
Syrup is a discovery, a great Throat
ud Lung Specialty. Where for
years there have beep sensitiveness5,
pain, coughing, spitting, hemorr
hage, voice failure, weakness, slip
ping down hill, where doctors and
medicine and advice have been swal'
lowed and followed to the gulf of
despiir, where there is the sickening
conviction that all is over and the
end is inevitable, there we place
German Syrup. It cures. You are
a live man yet if you take it
YtoPfls
ONE ENJOYS
Both the method and results whe
Syrup of Figs is taken; it is pleasant
and refreshing to the taste, and sots
fently yet promptly on the Kidneys,
iiver and Bowels, cleanses the sys
tem effectually, dispels colds, head
aches and fevers and cures habitual
constipation. Syrup of Figs is the
only remedy of its kind ever pro
duced, pleasing to the taste and ac
ceptable to the stomach, prompt in
its action and truly beneficial in its
eflecta, prepared only from the most
healthy and agreeable aubstances, its
many excellent qualities commend it
to all and have made it- the most
popular remedy known.
Syrup of Figs is for sale in 50o
and SI bottles "by all leading drug
gists. Any reliable druggist who
may not have it on hand will pro
cure it promptly for any one wh
wishes to try it. Do not accept any
substitute.
CALIFORNIA FIG SYRUP CO.
SAV FRANCISCO. CAL.
LOUISVILLE. KY. tlEW tOMC. K.V.
I
LECTROTYPING
s
ANID
TERE0TYPIN8
The attention of ADViacnSERS. MANU
FACTUKElte and PKIKTERS is called to our
superior facilities for turning cut '"""
CI-ASS fXECTKOTYFIXi or 8TEREO
TYl'IXU. We guarantee satiifactory aa
prompt service in these lines.
flRiirDTicrDCdesirinsa,jirseorsma11
ftU 0 Lit I loLllU number of Electrotypes
of an advertisement should get our prices be
fore placing their orders. We make aspecialty
of Designing and Engraving Advkrtis
mknts for all classes of trade.
MANUFACTURERS JSsTlsisi
tpes of Cuts for Catalogue illustrations will
find it to their interest to communicate with us.
nnillTrQQ having long runs of press
I nlR I LRu work, which can be lessened
by duplicating forms, and thereby save the
wear of type, will make money by having their
pages electrotjped or stereotyped. We can
return forms in six hours alter receipt at our
ofnee, accompanied by plates of the same.
OUR LINK OF
NEWSPAPER HEADING TYPE
Is the largest to be found in the West, and ws
make a specialty of furnishing Headings for all
classes of publications. Specimen books.shoW
ing the largest assortment of Newspaper Head
ings ever exhibited, will be sent to Printers aaeV
Publishers upon application.
SIOUX CITY NEWSPAPER MIOI. '
ra run stiect. smh city. mm.
ARE YOU A FARMER?
If so yon are one from choice and
can tell whether farming as an in
vestment pays. Do you make it
pay ? Huvu you first-class tools, fix
tures, etc. ? You say yes, but yoa
are wrong if yott have no scales.
You should have one, and by send
ing a postal card you can get full
information from
JONES OF BINGMMTON,
BINGHAMTON.N.V.
BORE
m 0HUT
WELL
DRILL
WELLS
wtta nor feasesw weu
Marfcleery. Tlwooi:
merfert sslf -daaBiDa- aai
fcst-droppinstooUio as
LOOMS &rMAM,
urn, earn.
THRESHERS
Tbronghont the Northwest.
COAL BUN COAL CO.,
Streator. La Salle Co.. I1L
VARICOCELE,
Kerreee DehllltT. Vital
Waakne.fCc aKmOLDti UIB
CUKE. Bo f at: ore. no pain, ae
Bactrte m m. no hambug; ocicxs arossi
Bad 10 cents rar 149 page book jrtlM pvOcnura,
Dr. N. E. WOOD, 3 K. van mrss a-. .u-w
'iZ disabled
as tt for iccres. as yaars
rUa for Laws. A.W.McCeanic
eertcne. Wi
Beam. Washikmcw
U. V. m i-W.-e M
are the Oldest
lf8ti3rS18
i WaslilastoB.X.C.
PILES
fSwrnumrivp
CBrakHSaaea.
purse. 3el. ae
5!ElSv3Joa
.!'. I BCTSBKTtaBS-SBBk.
, 1Y tMd
aefilsBBBBsMBVCetsJefae
efi FREE.
SHIP
GOAL
Cwas)ilastoo.X.C. rHIL
I B, C X. P. - - - 4t
Uy
4
.l
-.-
-4.
: i.