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A Keitiarkable Discovery.
flavo you heard what has recently eoroo to
pass
Of petroleum oil and of natural i
Ptroleum oil anil of natural ma.
How tho olundlte have loornod after infinite
Dalnfl
That both thorn useful oommodltioa, now on
the market at prices varying with locali
ties or tho whims of syndicates are com
posed entirely of organic remains?
Ilow they say that the mollusks of seas of
yore
And the reptiles that
basked on each name-
less shore
Sled and were buried beneath tho soiL
nd that, in time, tho Intense heat of tho
earth, tho great pressuro, and other
causes too numerous to mention, turned
their fat into gas and oil?
Which accounts for the different kinds of flow
From the wells, bo it fast or exceedingly
Blow.
Botno yellow, some black, and some rather
murky.
Depending on whether you observe tho out
put at Pctrollu, Canada, or in Pennsyl
vania, or in Egypt, or South Carolina,
or at tho lately-opened weltem Turkey.
As to which oil is best Is not easy to state,
liut the savants arc showing less real in de
late, Binco. though mollusks ranked first was main
tained as a fact, till
Recently, an old lady who has madqa study of
tho subject, now sttys: "Mollusks is
good, megllosaurus Is good, but, fur a
real sUddy light nir a kerosene lamp.
give me pter
iterodaotyl!
And bow solemn
the thought, as you sit by
the lamp.
You observo the remains of a monster whoso
tramp
Through forests primeval re-echoodt and
which
May have been an Icthyosauru9, ora megathe
rium, or an iguanadon, or anything else
la the big reptilian lino on which you
may pitch!
And It may be remarked on the subject In
hand
That there's nothing our scientists won't
understand!
For sclenco may halt, or, at times, may go
lamo.
But. In the slangy and altogether lnexcusabio
language or trio average mvoious.
thoughtless, and
Joyous young man of
ts there Just tho samel"
tho Dcriod. It "gets there Ji:
Tho HUck Diamond.
THE BURGLARS.
Mr. Cobblesbury came borne to sup
per looking very grave, and sat down
to tbe table with one hand linnly press
ed over bis breast-pocket.
What have you got in your pocket,
pa?" inquired the eldest daughter. Miss
Kuicline.
Hush!" brcHthed Mr. Cobblisbury,
!; he felt in his pocket for the thir
teenth time in five minutes. "Burg
lars!" lbirglars in 3'our pocket, pa?" cried
inquisitive Marnmdukc Cobblesbury,
aged 14.
"No, son," said Mr. Cobblesbury,
gravel'; "but I have- $500 which John
Sprigg paid me after banking hours
lo-dav, and it is highly probable that
our house may !e visited by
to-night."
burglars
Mr. Cobblesbury looked so solemn
that the twins, aged fl, began to evince
signs of indulging in their favorite
amusement of weeping in one another's
arms. All the family excepting
Charles .Simon, the eldest son, who hail
just returned from college, ljccaiuc
very grave.
"I nave been exacting a visit from
burglars for ninny years," said Mr.
Cobblesbury. "It is
escaped so long."
strange we have
True." asserted Charles Simon.
Kverj well-regulated family nowa
days niut boa-t of a llslt from burg
lars before they can take their proper
position in society. I learned that in
college."
"Marmaduke thought it would be n
good idea to wt steel traps in all parts
of tlie hoii-e to catch the burglars.
What do the newspapers sa ?" ask
ed Miss Kmeline.
Mr. Cnhhlcshiiry could not. remem
ber having rend any good recipe for
catching burglars. Charles Simon
thought he would write a book on the
subject as soon as he graduated at col
lege. Hut the principal trouble seemed
to be how the family were to be
awakened when the burglars came.
The burglars will wuko us fnst
enough," saiu Charles Simon.
Hut they might kill us lirrt," said
Mrs. Cobblesbury, innocently.
"I read in n paper that tho safest
way was to fasten a burglar alarm to
every door and window in tho house,"
said Mirs Emeline.
"That would be a w:istc of money,"
objected Mr. Cobblesbury, "for no
burglar would break in nt every door
and window."
Besides," said Mrs. Cobblesbury,
convincingly, "the burglars would
steal the alarms."
Why can't we put tar all over the
front stairs?" inquired Marmaduke.
"Then pa and I could kill them in the
morning ns we go down to breakfast,
for all the burglars would get stuck on
the way up!"
I do not wish to kill any depre
dator, if he will surrender or leave
peaceably," raid Mr. Cobblesbury.
The only arrangement possible is to
ami ourselves to the teeth, and I will
conceal the money in a safe place."
The family coincided with thi.
Mrs. Cobblesbury thought they hoiill
retire early in order to obtain ome
sleep before the burglars came. There
was some diflietilfy concerning the
armament required. Both Mr. Col
blesbury and Charles Simon possessed
revolvers. Marmaduke took the fire
tongs and an old razor and tied a
leather belt around his waist. Miss
Emeline procured a small package of
red pepper to throw in the burglars'
eyes, but Mrs. Cobblesbury thought
this would be cruel and her daughter
compromised on black pepper, which
would not lie m strong. The twins
wished to take the garden hoe to bed
with them, feeling confident that an
icy stream of water would drive the in
truders away. They were eventually
obliged to be contented, however, with
their pop-guns and n small tin pail
tilled with liean.
When Mr. and Mrs. Cobblesbury re
tired the question arose, what should
lie done with the revolver? Mrs. Coli
hleshurv declared she should die of
fright if the weapon were placed under
the pillows, and Mr. Cobblesbury linnl
ly drew up a chair beside the lied and
laid the revolver upon it.
Shall Ave leave the gas burning?"
inquired Mrs. Cobblesbury, nervously.
"Certainly not," answered her hus
band. "The burglar.-, would then be
enabled to move around with perfect
case." Accordingly they turned off
the gas and retired. Mr. Cobblesbury,
despite his years, was soon snoring
vigorously, but Mrs. Cobblesbury could
not sleep. In about an hour she shook
her liege lord energetically, and ad
jured him to wake up.
Yes, my love!" cried he, leaping
up; "give tun tho gun; I'll fix 'cm!"
No, no," said Mrs. Cobblesbury.
It isn't burglars it's the pistol."
"What's the matter with the pistol?"
queried the husband, sarcastically. "Is
the pistol sick?"
"I can't remember the way you laid
it, Samuel," explained Mrs. Cobbles
bury, tremulously. "Didn't you put
it with the pointer part toward the
bed?"
"Well, suppose I did?"
Oh, Samuel," cried Mrs. Cobbles
bury, "turn if around quick; it may
go off at any nduute aud blow us all to
pieces!"
Mr. Cobblesbury reached out sleep
ily and turned the revolver around. It
was now aimed directly toward her,
but, fortunately, Mrs. Cobblesbury
lacked the power of seeing iu the dark.
BCM , and was comforted,
Several hours later, Mr. Cobblesbury
awoke from a thrilling dream in which
he had killed seven burglars single
handed and was wading aliout in hu
man gore. He awoke with a violent
start and for a moment was hardly
able to decide whether he was still
dreaming or not. Just as he arrived
at the satisfactory conclusion that he
was thoroughly awake, a tremendous
crash downstairs camo to his ears.
Rising in a high state of excitement
Mr. Cobblesbury grasped the barrel of
his revolver and felt his way cautiously
along to the door, his heart beating in
a most reprehensible manner. Unfor
tunately, as he gained the doorway, he
stumbled over some object and struck
tho floor with a shock like an amateur,
earthquake. Mrs. Cobblesbury had
thoughtfully placed a chair against the
door to impede the progress of the
nocturnal prowlers. The noise awaken
ed her, and he could hear her muflled
voice, from beneath the sheet's, shriek
ing: "Samuel! Samuel! the burg
law are here!"
''So am I," grunted Mr. Cobbles
bury, rubbing his injured foot absent
mindedly with the butt of the revolver.
on which ha had maintained a desper
ate hold.
"Have you caught them?" cried
Mrs. Cobblesbury. "Is it safe for me
to get up?"
"Stay where you are, and don't
move," said Mr. Cobblesbury, as he
limped into the hall, shivering with
cold awl excitement Ho was not
afraid, but nevertheless Ix'gnn to feel
a willingness to let the burglars depart
peaceably, so he straightened up by the
stairway, aud yelled at the top o his
voicec
"I'll give you two minutes to leave
the house! We are all armed to the
teeth! Turn the night latch and run
out of tho front door if you value your
lives!"
Mr. Cobblesbury could not Itelp con
gratulating himself afterward when he
remembered having mado this speech.
There was no answer, lit a Hash of
light in the hall attracted his attention,
and Charles Simon, Marmaduke, and
Miss Emeline. all half-drc-cd, appear
ed trembling on the scene.
"Where are they?" cried Charles
Simon and Marmaduke in a breath,
one brandishing a revolver and the
other a razor.
"Down-stairs." said Mr. Cobblesbury
in a theatrical whisper.
"Emeline, this is no place for you,"
said Charles Simon, taking the light
from her hand. "You know I have
learned everything at college, and I
know all about such tilings. Now, you
just go ami get under tho bed in
mother's room, and don't let tho twins
make a peep till I call you."
But the burglars may come in and
chloroform us," objected Miss Emeline.
"X have read of such things in the
newspapers."
"Hush!" said Mr.
"You all talk too loud."
Cobblesbury.
Miss Emeline vanished and was
heard barricading tho door. Mr. Cob
blesbury then said that Marmaduke
must go for a Mliceman.
Marmaduke objected decidedly and
begged to tm allowed to live a little
longer.
"I will go," said Charles Simon.
But it would never do to go down
stairs among the burglars, and Mr.
Cobblesbury looked perplexed.
"I will swing myself out of the win
dow to the lower roof, crawl along to
the kitchen, anil climb down the grape
arbor," said Charles Simon. "I learn
ed that at college."
Accordingly Mr. Cobblesberry and
Marmaduke lowered Charles Simon
from the opened window to the roof
below, and he agreed to give three
whistki! when he returned with the
police.
Mr. Cobblesbury then sat down on
the top stair with his revolver pointed
below, and Marmaduke crouched be
side him with the lamp. It was very
chilly on the top stair.
"hay, Em," shouted Marmaduke at
length, "give us a blanket; we're
freezln'r7
Several repetitions of this resulted
in the door being opened a few inches
and the required blanket was slipped
out. Mr. Cobblesbury and Marma
duke accordingly wrapped thcmhclves
up in aboriginal fashion aud waited.
"I declare," said Mr. Cobblesbury,
"if Charles Simon doesn't return before
long I shall go back to bed again."
At this moment a tremendous racket
occurred outside, which culminated in a
violent ringing f the door-Iell and
loud cries in Charles Simon's voice.
"I tell you I ain't n burglar," shout
ed Charles Simon without. "You let
me be! Pa, open the door!"
They an murdering Ckarles,"
shrieked Mrs. Cobblesbury from the
inner room, and Mr. Cobblesbury,
dragging the half-frozen, badly-frightened
Mnrmnduke after him. ran down
stairs and unlocked the door.
I am coming, my son!" yelled Mr.
Cobblesbury. "Hold 'em oti' a minute
longer!"
When the door was opened, how
ever, the three policemen who had
Charles Simon iu custody had realized
that ho was not a burglar and released
him. As mmui as they understood the
state of affairs they accompanied Mr.
Cobblesbury, Charles Simon, and Mar
maduke through the house on a tour
of inspection with a dark lantern. At
the dining-room door they halted. A
noise was plainly heard within. "We
have them," said one of the policemen,
and he shut the door in a great hurry.
He tlipn gave an order to the other
two policemen, ami all three drew
their revolvers and fired through the
narrow opening of the door, which
was instantly closed again. "Wo will
now go iu and capture them," said the
head policeman, but nobody seemed to
care about going In. One of the police
men said that the robbers were killed,
of course, and it was useless to disturb
the bodies before the coroner could Ixj
summoned.
Mr. Cobblesbury did not think tho
burglars were all killed, as only three
shots had been fired. If there had not
been a large gang of them they would
not have dared remain boldlr in thn
house all this time.
It was finally decided that all should
rush in at once. The door was open
ed, the three policemen, Mr. Cobbles
bury, Charles Simon, and Marmaduke
entered in triumph, while precisely at
tne same moment an immense black
cat leaped from the table and flew out
of tho room like a streak of lightning.
There were no burglars, but some of
the dishes on the tablo had been shot
into small fragments. The policemen
were very angry, and debated whether
it would not Ikj wise to arrest Mr. Cob
blesbury. Finally they marched off in
high dudgeon, just as Mrs. Cobbles
bury, Miss Emeline, and the twins en
tered. "Where are the burglars?" cried
Miss Emeline.
Nobody answered.
"But the mouey is safe," said Mrs.
Cobblesbury. Even-body looked sur
prised. They had forgotten all about
the money.
The burglars escaped," said Mr.
Cobblesbury, "just as I was preparing
to use my trusty revolver. The police
spoiled it all." As Mr. Cobblesbury
uttered these words be flourished his
weapon, aud Marmaduke made a dis
covery. "Why, pa," said he, "there
ain't uothin' in that pistol, and the
trigger's broke off, too!"
Sir. Cobblesbury said never a word,
but wrapped his blanket around him
like an Indian chieftain, and stalked
up-stairs with a dignity that caused the
family to gaze after him with feelings
of siM'cchless admiration. Herbert
Hall Winsluw, in Chicago Mail.
-GREAT
MEN AND DOGS.
Beaadleea In Lore, and YmXXK. and Grat
itude Ylrtaee of the Canine Baee.
There are many people who have a
strong dislike to dogs. Sydney Smith
said: "No, I don't like dogs. I al
ways expect them to go mad. A lady
ome asked me for a motto for her dog
Spot. I proposed. Out, damned Spot';
but she did not think it sentimental
enough."
An eminent literary man, when ask
ed if he kept a dog, answered, "Why
should I keep an auimal which might
endanger my life?"
Macaulay hated dogs as much as
Sydney Smith. lu a letter from Bo
wood he gives an amusing account
of a "cur" who took a fancy to
him when out walking, and persevered
in following him till the unfortunate
animal was inveigled into a kind of
jMiundrom which ho could not oscxpo,
and could only utter a lamentable howl
at the treachery of tho object of his
admiratiou. Macaulay objected to dogs
as a chock of cotiTcrsatloti.
Cnrlylc did not greatly appreciate
dog, or he never would have tied a
tin kettle to the tail of harmless little
Nero, to flm intense horror and indig
nation of Mrs. Carlyle. He ouee visit
ed a dog-show when the establishment
was in full (ry, and he decided that the
canine orators were about on a par
with their liletherln" rivals in the
House of Commons.
It has been said that Shakspcare
disliked dogs. This idea had been
entertained because Lord Nugent dis
covered that in the whole of Shak
speare's writings there is not one sin
gle compliment paid to tho moral
qualities of dogs. There is no such
epithet as "faithful dog" to bo found
anywhere. Shakspenre certainly ap-
Jirct
lor:
ciated tho qualities of sporting
era ai flin ciiftofft tw llimll
.-, .. .v. .,.,.. v uifpuij
shows:
I was with Hercules and Cadmus once,
when In the wood of Crete we bay'd tho bear
With hounds of rlnarla; uorer did I hear
s?ueh gallant chiding, for besides tho groves,
Tho skies, and fountains, every region near
Seemed all one mutual cry: I never heard
So musical a discord, such sweet thunder.
Shakspeare had often heard in his
native woods hounds in full cry. War
wickshire has always been renowned
in the annals of sport.
Lord Sherbrooke put in a good word
for the dogs in the following lines aud
depicted the virtues of the canine race:
Sort llo tho turf on those who find their rest
Here on our common mother's ample breast.
Unstained by meanness, avarice, and prlae.
They never flattered, and they never lied;
No gluttonous excess their slumber broke.
No burning alcohol, no stifling smoke.
They ne'er Intrigued a rival to displace;
They ran, but never betted on, a race;
Content with harmless sports and moderato
food,
rtoundless In love, and faith, and gratitude.
Happy tho man. If there be any such.
Of whom this epitaph can say as much.
A French cynic once said: "The
more I see of my friends the more I
love my dogs."
This is a base satire
to men; but, certainly, the world would
be a poor placo to live lu without our
dogs. Sir Charles Warren is of a dif
ferent opinion, for he declare, "Better
that all tho dogs in Christendom should
be destroyed rather than one human
being should perish."
Against tills sweeping doctrine we
will cite an admirable essayist in the
Quarterly Review "On the Conscious
ness of Dogs. He writes: "Faith iu
a beloved superior is perhaps tlie most
beautiful and affecting of all the at
tributes of a dog. Whose heart does
not grow sick at the reflection that
tills sacred trust of the dog in man
should be so often abused that dull
boors slutubl lure them by mock words
of encouragement to tho death?" Then
how forgiving dogs areJ If you acci
dentally injure them, how they im
mediately wag their tails, as if to say,
"Don't tiilnk about it; I know you did
not mean it." Thou how brave they
are! CoL Hamilton Smith states, in
the Naturalists Library, that he saw
a water-spaniel plunge into tlie roar
ing current of a sluice to save a little
cur, maliciously thrown in it by a
numan being. '
In Praed's charming poem, "Our
Vicar," there is a pleasant description
how, when even a stranger knocked at
the hospituble doors of the vicarage,
he wasTeceivcd with welcome by our
dogs":
And Don and Panchn, Tramp and Tray, "
Upon the parlor steps collected.
Wagged all their tails as if to say.
Our master knows you, you're expected.
Before ono gives way to hatred of
our dogs he should read and Minder
over the grand lines of Coleridge:
He pnyeth best who love th best
Roth man, and bird, and beasr
He paycth best who lovcth lest
AH things both great and small,
For the great (Jod who lovcth us.
He made and loveth alL
-Ilome JottrnaL
How President Cleveland Lives.
Breakfast is ready at the White
House at 8:80, and tlie President nev
er waits in vain for an appetite for this
first meal of the three that satisfy and
sustain him. Fruit, oatmeal or some
other cereal food, chops, beefsteak,
eggs, fish, with coffee and rolls, make
up this meal. Then eomrti the morn
ing in the library, where the President
receives most of his business visitors
standing, moving from ono to the
other in a circle until all are disponed
of. Two days of tho week Tuesdays
and Fridays break in upon the rout
ine for other days. On threa days he
goes down into the East Room at 1
o'clock to shake hands with people
who call to pay respect. In this way
his time is occupied until luncheon is
announced at 1:80. This meal is plain
cold meat, bread and butter, a relish
perhaps now and then, green tea, and
again fruit. Dinner is sen-ed at 7. It
is only an ordinary meal of soup, fish,
an entree and a roast with a simple
dressing, aud fruit, for the President
enjoys fruit at every meal. In addi
tion to the beverage named as being
used at breakfast and luncheon the
President drinks but little. Wine Is
never on the White House table except
there lie guests present. An erroneous
impression has obtained regarding the
President's tastes in this respect.
Lager beer or ale are used by him very
rarely.
The President uses tobacco. Ho
smokes not more than two cigars a
day and these after dinner, when he
goes up to the library to resume his
work after a chat with the White
House family. New York Herald of
Health.
One of tbe features of a drama rtren
one night recently at San Antonio, Tex.,
was a hanging seen. In order to relax
the strain of tne noso around the neck
of the man who acted the part of the
victim a concealed rope was plaoed
around his body. The concealed rope
failed to connect the other night, and
the man. after a realistic banging
scene, was cut down for dead The
coroner was summoned, but by hard
work the man was restored to couscious-
WIT AND HUMOR.
Photo-artist (to gourmand): . .
So, there, now keep quite still and
think of your favorite dish." Bciblatt.
The man who wrecks a train is a
murderer; the man who wrecks a whole
railroad a financier. Macon Telegraph.
Elisha living on the widow's store vf
provisions is the first case of prophet
sharing mentioned in history. Spring
field Union.
"You want more exercise." "But,
doctor, I'm a postman." "Theu you
need rest Join the police force."
New Haven News.
Up in Lamoille County the rustic
swains are reviving an old custom
viz: that of kissing a girl whenever
they find a red ear on the
lington Fre Press.
rll-l I01-
O" '
Mrs. Barker So your lxy Wilkins
is to be a professor, is he? Then he
must be making good progress iu his
studies. Mrs. Carkor No, not exact
ly that, but ho is getting to be beauti
fully absent-minded.
Sho (nt a ball) How gracefully that
foreign looking gentleman dance, and
how genteelly he crooks his Iittlo finger
in tho air. Ho Yen, lie get that crook
from his profession. Sue Is ho an
artist? He Yes, a tonsorial artist.
New York Sim.
"Fatbor, when a man wants to bribe
an Alderman does he go to him aud of
fer him a certain sum?" "That de
pends, William." -On what?" "On
whether the Alderman hasn't first come
to Uim and fixed his own price." De
troit Free Press.
"Will you please give me 25 or flu
cents to buy bread with?" lie wailed.
"I'm starvin'." Can't you buy a loaf
of bread for less than 23 or 50 cents?"
"Yes, but do you think a nun can live
on bread only? It s uothin' but a side
dish." New York Sun.
Friend (to author) "How is your
new play progressing, Charley?"
Author "Finished, and is a great suc
cess." Friend "A great success?"
Author Tremendous. I read it to a
lot of professional critics last night aud
none of them liked it." Xltv York
Sun.
Countryman (loose in a book store)
Have you got prayer-books. Mister?
Clerk lea. The Book of Common
Prayer, I suppose? Countryman No;
it's for a young schoolmarm down my
way, aud 1 want a Iwok of the best
prayers you've got in the bildiu' New
York Sun.
An advertisement reads as follows:
"A young man, sober aud reliable, who
has a wooden leg and cork arm, is
willing, for a moderate salary, to allow
his false limbs to be maimed by wild
beasts in any reputable menagerie, as
an advertisement. No objection to
travelling.
Among the Bohemians: "I hung my
stocking in the chimney-corner lat
night." "You don't mean it?" "Up
on my word. Ono never knows what
may happen." "And then?" "I took
it down this morning." "And what
did you findP" "A hole in the heel."
French Fun.
"Get married, Charlio, get married.
Ono never knows how cheaply he can
live with a good, economical wife until
he tries it. Why, when I was married
I couldn't even support mvMtlf, while
now " "Well?" "Now my wife
supports mo. It is chHupcrformuthnu
being single. " Humbler.
Pink You know something about
Vassar College, 1 believe? Mink Yes,
all about it. "I hear that the wife of
tho Mikado is a Vasar College gradu
ate. Is that so?" "It is." "You
don't say! Does he talk slang, dote
ou tM-'unual, and chew gum?" "O.notat
alL She's a regular Jup." 'ld-DU.
Going to the opera in Boton. "Ain't
you going to take your fail with von,
Araminta?" "No"." -Well. I think
you ought to." "Wh.it's the use?
Ihere is not too much heat iu tlie house
at this Miason." "But I should think
you would want someth'iig to cover
yourself with after you take off your
cloak." Boston Courier.
An elderly gentleman who delight
in calculations contributes Ibis: "If
the immortal George Washington. when
he was 48 years of age, had steiqwsl in
to a railroad office and pawned his lit
tle hatchet for a ticket to tlie ylimot
fiiars no would, at the rate of tifty
miles an hour, have arrived there this
yeur." St. Albans Messenger.
A gentleman In high official circles,
when a young man, went weM with a
slick citizen by the name of Robinson
from his own town to go into htiHiici
together. After an absence of a year
he returned alone. "Well." said a
friend, meeting him, "how are you?
Yon are looking first rate. How did
you leave Robinson? Is he holding his
ownP" "Yes. aud mine, too." Wash
ington Critic.
A Hart County beau vMted his
sweetheart. After sitting iu silence for
half an hour an ide.-t struck him, aud
stealing a glance at the girl on tlie oth
er side of the fireplace )ie whispered:
"Dim you love rabbits?" "Y-a-s."
"Hain't tho gravy good?" The ice
was broken, and in a few moments
both parties occupied one chair with
every appearance of ease and comfort.
Hartwcll (da.) Sun.
In the ladiesgallery of the Palais
Bourbon (in the French Chambre des
Deputes) a couple of fair occupants are
engaged in conversation while a speak
er H expatiating on tlie budget ".lust
listen to your husband, my dear. How
he Juggles with the millions. What
breadth of views! What generosity!.'
"Alas! would you believe itP this very
morning he worried the life out of me
over a 80-frane bonnet." La Chron
ique. After dinner orator, quoted by a Lon
don paper: "It's In the wonderful in
sight inter 'uman nature that Dickens
gets tho pull over Thackeray; but on
t'other hand it's in the brilliant shafts
of satire t'gether with a keen sense o'
humor, that Dickery gets the pull over
Thackcns. It's just this: Thickerv is
the humorist and Dackvns is tho satir
ist. But after all, it's 'bsurd instoot
any comparison between Dackery and
Thickens." So nono were "instoot
ed." Young woman listen to this: Tom
Moore began to wrlto poems when ho
was a boy of 14, Southey wrote his first
vers when be was 11, Keata was a
successful poet at 18, Leigh Hunt talk
ed In rhyme at 19. Chaucer at 19, and
Milton when he was only 10. And
where aro they now, Ethel? WTiero
are they now? They are dead. Go
wash the ink off your thumb and help
your mother pare the potatoes, Ethel,
If you would live long. I'll writo tho
poetry; I don't cere to Mvo any longer.
P. B. In fart, I'd rather die than pare
the potatoes. Burdette.
You have daughters, have you not,
slrP" said a minister to an old gentle
man with whom he had formed a cas
uaf acquaintance as a fellow-passenger.
The old gentleman essayed an answer,
but the question strangely affected him.
"I bog your pardon," said the minister
gently, "if I have thoughtlessly awak
ened in j-our mind recollections of a
painful nature. The world is full of
sasteaweaa safe oilrl tuksisiaftta . .
"vt , su4 ciuay uy ueauop
recalls to your memory a fair, beauti
ful girl, whose blossoming young lifo
withered in its bloom. Am Inot right,
sir?" "No, not exactly," replied the
old gentleman sadly. "I have five un
married darters, mister, and the young
est of the lot is 28 years old. "
New York Women who Drink.
If you wish to get a good idea of the
manners and morals of men and wo
men in New York, visit frequently the
first-class restaurant), such as Delmon
ico's, tho Brunswick. Morallo's, Tay
lor's Martinclli's aud the cafes of lead
ing hotels. You need not fear; your
1'uugineiit will not lead you astray.
,adies think no more of drinking
pint of wine with their luncheon or
dinner than they do of drinking a glass
of water. At ono of tho above-mentioned
places last night, where wiuo
is included with the dinner, ours was
the only table without wlno, and wo
seemed to fall correspondingly low in
tho opinion of our stylish French wait
er. Before tho dinner is finished the
color begins to rudi into tho face of
the ladies, and when they leave tho
room they are fully under the inlluenco
of the wine; not drunk, no, no! but
"braced up." for the ride home, aud
tho ordeal of getting ready for some
evening entertainment, after which, in
New York, ladies and gentlemen gen
erally have supper, with wine, of
course. It is a fact that numbers of
women are obliged to "sober off," and
to "swear off" for three or four months
or become permanent wrecks. I had
occasion to call to see a physician a
few days ago, and he said that wine
might 'benefit me. I told him that I
did not believe that wine was ever ne
cessary to health, andgaYo my opinion
of wine drinking generally. He said:
You are right, madam, ami if more
women were of the same, opinion our
asylums for inebriates and for the in
sane would not be so full."
He then told me that every little
while he was obliged to force soino of
his patients, ladies, into retirement for
three months or six months, in order
to save them from the fatal results of
drink, but only in a few instances had
he been able to effect a petniaiient
cure, and his experience is that of many
other physicians who have a large and
wealthy practice. In certain eases the
most careful physicians prccribr wine,
but the wine-drinkers, however, are
not; as a rule, those who drink by pre
scription. Cleveland Leader.
In a Hurry to Iteneli the Field.
-T . a .1
"i sar, nir. Agent, ejaculated a
man at the ticket window, "if anybody
comes here makiu' inquiries if you'e
sold any tickets to Canada, don't you
tell 'em I bought one, will you? You
see, there's some prospei-t of a war
with those fellows over there, and
seein's I'm an old scout I just thought
I'd run oer the border now an' pick
up a few pointers that 'ud be valuable
in case the tuck comes. I never neg
lect an opportunity to serve my coun
try. I'm afraid the Canadians arepnto
me, though, and have their agents here
lookiif out for me. Now mind that
you don't tell anybody I bought a
ticket for Canada, and 'fore I get
through with those Canucks I'll show
'em a thing or two. I'm a scout from
way back, an' the most patriotic man
you ever saw. If there's goin' to bo a
war you'll see me tlie first man onto
tlie field and the last man to leave it
unless I'm carried off. I'm a patriotic
American, I am, and I b'lieve you're
another, Mr. Agent. You won't say a
word to nobody about my buy-in' a
ticket to Canada, will you?"
Ihe agent promised he wouldn't
but, just tho same, the patriotic citizen
was carried off the field by two detec
tives twenty miles up the road, and
will probably serve his country break
ing htouo on conviction for embezzle
ment. Chicago Herald.
m i i
Lamar's Gallantry.
There is no member of the Cabinet
who Is more gallant than Secretary
Lamar. Just before he left for the
South his office was filled with a host
of callers, aud among them was a very
buxom aud prepossessing lady. Sho
intercepted the secretary an he waa
stepping into a private room for u con
versation with a Senator, and stated
her business. Lamar told her that he
would attend to her matter in a few
minutes. Oh, but you'll forgive me,
Mr. Secretary," .aid the lady plain
tively. Throwing a look of intenso
admirution upon the attractive form
of the suppliant, the secretary said in
rapt aud intense tones, "How could
IP ' whereupon there was a general
laugh. This is not for Mrs. Lamar's
eagle eye.
Young matron (with theories on the
care of children) to nurse "Jane."
Nurse "Yes-sum." Young matron
"When the baby has finished his
lnittle lay him in the cradle on his
right side. After eating a child should
always lie on the right side; timt n--lirves
the pressure on the heart. Still
(reflectively) the liver is on tho right
side; perhaps, after all, you had bet
ter lay him on the left situ-. No, I am
sure the treatise on infant digestion
said right .tide. On the whole, Jane,
you may lay the baby on hi. back un
lit i nave iookcu me matter up more
thoroughly."
Managing Mamma "Of all things!
So you hae declined a sleigh-ride with
young Mr. Kichfcllow, when you know
he will go right oil" and invite your riv
al. Miss Perl." Wise Daughter "Yes,
ma, and I am just delighted to think
that is just what he will do." "You
must be cra.y,what can be your object?"
"I want him to see how horribly red
her nose gets in cold weather. ""-Tid-Bits.
Editor William O'Brien was tendered
a grand reception in New York at tho
Academy of Music tlie other evening and
it was ono of the most imposing affairs of
tho kind ever witnessed in the city.
Tho building was fully packed from or
chestra to tho upper gallery. In reply
to the speech of welcome Mr. O'Brien
made a brief, but bold and independent
soech to the great audience, repeating
his chnrgee against Lansdown, ono of
wnicn was: mat ne nati imu waste a
whole strip of country five miles in
length, stripping it bare of its whole
population. T1ub he did rather than
abate a farthing of his terrible rents
which his own arbiter in the county ac
knowledged to bo most unjust and
severe.
Do Yon Know
that Beefs' Cherry Cough Syrup will
relieve that eongh almost inBtantly and
make expiration easy? Acts simulta
neously on the towels, kidney and liver,
thereby relieving the lungs of the sore
ness and pain and also stopping that
tickling sensation in the throat by
removing the cause. One trial of it
will convince any one that it has no
equal on earth for coughs and colds.
Dr. A. Heintz has secured the sale of it
and will cruarantee every tjottie to mve 1
at a rw
eausTacuon. oieoza
From the earliest historical times
down to tho present, there has been
nothing discovered for bowel complaint
equal to Chamberlain's Colic, Cholera
and Diarrhoea Remedy. Thero is no
remedy as near perfect, or one that is sis
strongly endorsed by nil persons who
have had occasion to use it. Sold by
Dowty & Becher.
A report conies from Madison, Wis.,
that H. Patrick, a prosperous farmer and
stock buyer of Iowa county, while on
his way home from Milwaukee, jumped
through tho window of a passenger
train going at full speed, and ivilj die
from the effects of the injuries received.
It is claimed he was crazed with liquor.
The Pepalatloa et'C'elamtma
It about 8,000, and wo would aay at least
one half are troubled with tome affection
oi the Throat and Lungs, an tuosa com
plaint are, according to statistic, uioro
numerous than others. We would ad
vise all not to neglect the opportunity to
call on as and get a bottle of Kemp's
Balsam for the Throat and Lungs. Price
Sue and 1.00. Trial i:c free. Res
pectfully, Dr. A. lleintz.
John Goodwin, a butcher, doing busi
ness at No. 71-1 North Sixteenth street,
Omaha, committed suicide. Tho verdict
of the jury was that ho died from tho
effects of poison administered by his
own hand. It is believed that business
troubles led to tho committal of the hor
rible deed.
Purify Your KIimmI.
If your tontmo is coated.
If your Bkin is yellow and dry.
If you have IhhIh.
If you have fever.
If you are thin or nervous.
If you are bilious.
If you aro constipated.
If your Ihhich ache.
If your bend uchca.
If oit have no appetite.
If you have no ambition, one
lnittlo of Beggs' Blood Purifier and
Blood Maker will relieve any and all of
tho above complaints Sold and war
ranted by lr. A. lleintz.
A special from Des Moines, Towa. Kays
says that, news had just been received at
Mamjon, Calhoun county, that the I lev.
Dr. Ileid, who loft thero last, winter to
become a misaionary in Central Africa,
had been killed and eaten by cannibals.
I'nglish Spavin Liniment removes all
Hard. Soft or Calloused Lumps and
Blemishes from horses. Blood Spavin,
Curbs, Splints, Sweeney, Stilles, Sprains,
Soro and Swollen Throat, Coughs, etc.
Save $TA) by use of one bottle. .Every
liottle warranted by C. U. HtillniHii,
druggist, Columbus, Neb.
A California woman, in trying to make
a c radio for her baby, hit on an idea and
iuveuled an orange box. Sho now owns
and runs tho factory which makes nine
tenths tho orange boxes used on tlie
Pacific coast.
Only Thirty-nix IVrl'ent.
of those who die of consumption inherit
tho disease. It all other cases it must
either bo contracted through careless
ness; or, according to the new theory of
tuliercular parasites, received directly
from others as an infectious disease.
But in either case, Dr. Pierce's "Golden
Medical Discovery" is a positive remedy
for tho disease in its early stages. It is
delay that is dangerous. If you nro
troubled with shortness of breath, spit
ting of blood, night-sweats or lingering
cough, do not hesitate to procuro this
sovereign remedy at once.
Tho other night a crowd of determin
ed men left Annvillo, Pa., for Lebanon
to lynch William Showers. Thoy were
joined by 150 more from Lebanon and
marched through the streets for the
purpose of storming the jail, but wero
finally induced to disperse. Showers in
sists now that the children wero mur
dered by n man known as "Cowboy"
Hoffnngle, who was married to Shower's
daughter. HofTnnglo is at lnrgo, but
may be arrested.
A Clreat Mararlne
Is lu store (or all who use Kemp's Bal
sam for the Throat aud Lungs, the great
guaranteed remedy. Would you hellHve
that it Is sold on its merits and that
cueu drurglut is authorized to ratund
your money by the Proprietor of this
wonderful remedy If It fails to euro you.
Dr. A. lleintz has secured the Agency
for it. Price 0e and f 1. Trial site Jree.
Ivan Fisher, a Yalo student, has in
vented an apparatus for recording the
length and strength of the stroke pulled
by each memlier of a rowing crew. II. is
already in use.
Salt Kliriiiii ! Ken-ma.
Old sores and ulcers,
Scaldhead and ringworm,
Pain in tho back and spine.
Swelling of the knee joints,
Sprains and bruises.
Neuralgia and toothache,
Tender feet caused by bunions, corns
and chilblains, we warrant Beggs' Trop
inal Oil to relievo any and all of the
aliove. Dr. A. lleintz.
An old colored proacher, after eshnuat
inn biniHolf on an attempt to describe
heaven, wound up thus: "I tell yon my
brethren, it is a very Kentueky of a
place."
Tlie Splendor of rre
and tho artificial effects of cosmetics, no
matter how deftly applied, can never
make beautiful or attractive one who is
subject to emaciation, nervous debility,
or any form of female weakness. Theso
must bo reached by inward application
and not by outward attempts nt conceal
ment, and the Indies may take hope from
the fact that thousands of their sisters
have made themselves more radiant and
beautiful by the use of Dr. Pierce's
"Favorite Prescription" thnn they could
ever hope to do by the aid of tho ap
pliances of tho toilet.
Charles Jenkins, Chairman of the
United Labor party of Ohio, has issued
a call for holding a state convention nt
Columbus, July 4th, 1887, at 2 p. m. to
nominnte a state ticket and do such
other business as may come before it.
Fifty cents is a small doctor bill, but
that is all it will cost you to euro any
ordinary case of rheumatism if you
takoonr advice and use Chamberlain's
Pain Balm. Everybody that tries it
once, continues to use it whonover they
are in need of a remedy for sprains,
painful swellings, lame bnclr, or sore
throat. It is highly 'recommended by
all who lmv triad it Hsdri iw tvv 1
xecner.
Closing Out at Cost
Wo have decided to quit the jowelry business in Columbus, and will sell
ovorythinj at cost, and oven less than cost. Call in and see the aatonishiuKly low
figures we will offer you:
a t 1 a . .
a uooti American watch $
A Good Striking clock
A Good I'.-.tenHJcld-lillfcu' (.'citlcuien's Amerirn wate
Ladies' Gold watches
18 carat gold rings, per pennyweight
Set silver-plated Roger spoons..
Good 5 bottles silver castors
Fine nickel clocks
In fact everything for less than
half the usual retail price.
This i.; no humbug to boom tho business, but wo want to get rid of the good
and must and will sell them. Call and get prices. C. C. Borringer will 1 in at
tendance, and wait on you, and lw plcas.nl to show you tho took Everything
will bo warranted, as represented, or tlie money will be refunded.
G.HEITKEMPER Sc BRO..
The leading Jewelers ..f Columbus, Neb.
Iiwjrls-Ht
BEAST!
SBBBBatjaSBaaaasn
Mixican
Mustang
Liniment
OUHD
Contracted
Moselas,
Ernptisas,
Hoof Ail,
8orsw
Worms,
Bwinney,
Saddle Galls.
Piles.
nn,
THI8 GOOD OLD STAND-BY
accomplishes for everybody exactly what Uclslmett
forlc One of tlio reason for the great popularity of
the Muptans IJnlment 1 found In Ita, unlveraul
applicability. Everybody needs such a medicine.
The Lumberninn needs it In cne of accident.
Tho Housewife need? It for general family un.
The Ganalcr needs It for his teams and hU men.
Tha Mechanic needs It always on hi irork
bench.
The Miner needs It In cao f emergency.
The Plaaeer needslt can't set along without it.
The Farmer needs It In hU bouse, his stable,
and his stock yard.
Tha Steamboat man or the Baalmaa needs
it la liberal supply afloat and ashore.
The Harsc-faneier needs it-It la his beat
friend and safest reliance. ,
Tha Stock-grower needs It It will save him
thousands of dollars and a world of trouble.
Tha Railroad man needs it and will need it so
long as his Ufa Is a round of accidents and dangers.
Tha Backweodsmaa needslt. There is noth
ing like It as an antidoto for the dangers to life.,
limb and comfort which surround the pioneer.
The Merchant needs It about his store among
his employees. Accident wlU happen, and wheat
these come the Mustang liniment la waated atones.
KaeaaBettlo lathe Ilaaae. Tl the beet of
economy.
Kee a Bottle la the Factory. Italaamediaf
aselaoaeeef accident saves pata and lees of wag sg.
Keep a Battle Always la the Hcahle far
ase van waated.
$1,500!
ifflHBSgHj
issBBBBnsVsBBBSaawsiBBBBTsBiagsn
sHssaBSBsWaBBslBngsBM
HUH
' 5301 av H9fl09a-
Fac-slmllo of Tatont Chew and Checkerboard, ad
vertisimf tlio - celebrated Srnvlta Ulork Remedloa
and a JtEWAKH OF l,MO. It you fail to
and It on this small board call on your druggist for
full-nlio. IlandHomnly Lithographed board, FI11SK;
or send cents for postage to us.
COUGH BLOCKS.
From Mason Long, tho Converted Gambler.
Foirr WA VXB. Ind., April 6. 1KRI.-I havo given the
Bynvlta Cornell Mlockn a thorough trial. They cured
my little girl (3 years' old) or Croup. My wife and
mothcr-ln-lnw were troubled with cough of lomr
standing. Ono package of tho Illncks has eureB
them so they can tain "as only women do."
" Mason Long.
'WORM BLOCKS.
Lima O.. Jan.2S.13sr.-Tho SynTlta Worm Blocks
acted like a charm in expelling worms from my lit.
tie child. The child is now well and hearty. Instead
Of puny and sickly as before
Jonx G. Robbixsox.
IULCKBEMY ILOCKS.
The Great Dlarrhcra and Djatery Charger.
TMEI.riTOS. O. July 7th. ffL Onr alr.mnno.. nt
ibtld had a severe attack of Summer Complaint,
hyslclan could do nothing. In despair w tried
Hynvlta Ulackberry Blocks recommended bw a
friend and a few doses effected a complete core.
Accept our heartfelt Indorsement of your Black
terryniocks. MK.A.viMK..J.BANZHAir.
Tho 8ynvlta Block Remedies are
The ncatort thing out, by far.
Pleasant. Cheap. Convenient. 8ur.
Handy. Reliable. Harmless and IMre.
No box; no teaspoon or sticky bottle. Put np la
patent packages. S& noess MS Cextx. War
ranted to cure or money refnnded. Ask y oar drug
gist. If you fail to trot them sand price to
THE SYNVITA CO., Delphos, Ohio,
- axd nrxnivK Tnrsi postpaid.
trOICKIWUAUV ritEJS with tat ORDICU.
BEAUTIFULLY ILLUSTRATED.
This Magaziae portrays Ameri
cas taoagat a ad life from eccaa to
oceaa, is filled with pare aiga-class
literatare, aad caa be safely wel
comed ia aay family circle.
PIKE 20c. M $3 A TEA! IT BAR;
Samplt Copt of mimnt mumbtf mail ease re
tttptof 25 ett.; back numbtr; IS oU.
Premiaas List with either.
Aiirtit:
S. T. BUSH it SON, Publishers,
130 & 132 Pearl St., IT. Y.
Sciatica, Scratches,
Lumbago, Sprains,
Bhenmatistn, 8trains,
Burns, Stitches,
Scalds, Stiff Joints,
Stings, Backache,
Bites, Galls,
Braises, Sores,
Bunions, Spavin
Corns, Cracks.
5 00
2 00
15 00
10 00
90
1 U0
2 50
1 00
i
,i-
laasaKiaiK-BaK?!
IEE1
AND
BUSINESS COLLEGE.
E'rem.on.t 2fl"e"b.
Thin institution irtartH iinn p,iplo
thoroughly for Tmuliinjc, for HuhIiuxm Ut. for
A(lmiMi',m to Coll.w. for Ijiw or iUtlluil
School, for fublic 8ukinf. in linttruuicutul
huiI Vural Miibk-, iu DrnwinK anl I'nintint;. huiI
in Elocution, Ml.ort-tmmi uulTri-writiiig.
In tlie Normal DciMtrtufnt, thorough In
struction IB c'lTva in all brunches iviuirel for
any certificate from Third Urmlt to Htnto l'ro
frHsional. Tho Hiirtines Count includ. Penmanship.
Cotumprcinl t'orrt-HponilfUc, CoiiiiiutcImI Lw
iiml Uook-kipintr, with tho Uwt tuethoilH of
kwpinit Fnriu, Factory, IlunkiuK nnil Merruntil
HccountH. (Five premiums wero nwunlotl to
tlN ilejuirtnmnt at the recent Htnto Fair.)
Exnaen aro very low. Tuition, Hoom Hunt
and Tttbl IWrd aru plitced nt cost, hm nwirly tut
HrlibIl.
Hprintf twin blnn April 2tf, lf7. Hummer
trm begins July 5, 17. For particular a.1
b"" M. E. Jo.ns.8.
novSfltf Fremont. Nob.
PUBLISHERS' NOTICE.
Ai Offer Wertky Atteition fiem
Every Reader ef the Journal.
toch cuoica or roua good piranw, ruaa.
8UNBHINK: For youth; also for thtwe .f all
aa-cM whose heart are not wither. In a bimil
somf, pure, useful and moot Interttin popor:
it Is published monthly by K. C. Alln A (...
Augusta. Maine, at 60 cents a year; it is luind-
ooniHij iiiusiraieti.
DAUOHTKR8 OK AMK1UCA. LW- full of
UKeruIne are worthy of reward and imitation,
rhe hand that rocks the eradln rules tlie world."
through ita gentle, guiding influence. Kmphat
ically a womnn'e iiaper In all branch of her
work and exalted station in the world. "Kttr
nnl fitness" is the fnunilation from which t
build. Handsomely lllnstratwl. Publish!
monthly by True 4 Co., Augusta, Maine, at 50
centeporyear.
THK PRACTICAL nOUSKKEKPKK AND
LADIES' FIRKB10K COMPANION. Tl.i
pnutical, sensible paper will prove a boon to nil
housekeepers and lad if who rem! it. It tins h
houndleMi field of usefulness, and its ability nt
pare equal to the occasion. It in strong an.l
sound in all its varied departments. HandM.me
ly lllnstmted. Published monthly by 11. HnlleH
A I o.. Portland, Maine, at ftO ot utn per year.
KAKM AND HOUSEKEEPER. Hood Enrui
". ol Housekeeping. Good Cheer. Thin
handsomely illnntrated paper is devoted to th
twomont iinjvort.nt and nobln industries of tho
world -farming in all ita branches houseku
ing in every department. Itisablonnd ui to
the progrrestve times; it will lm found iiraetiral
and of greet general usefnlnesn. Puhlihrl
monthly by HrorgA Ktinsou &. Co., 1'orthuid.
Maine, at 50 ente per jeer.
ty"W will send free for one j ear, whirbvT
of the above named pnpern may be chmru, to suy
one who tnin for th .Inntvir. fur nn.rrii.
advance. Thin applies to our smlscribern nnd all
who may wish to become aulwrriliera.
OJWe will send freo for one jear, whiehnver
of the alMtve jwi.rn umy lw choeen. to any sul
Keriber tor the JoUUXAl. whoeft-snliscriptiou umy
not be paid tip, who shall pay up to data, or be
jond dale; provided, however, that such paymeol
shall not tie less thau ono rear.
H""To anyone who hands ns payment on ac-
eonni. ior huh paper, ror thr.j jean,, we hrS)
send free for on year, nil of tho Above dormi-il!
pajem;or will send ono of them four yiurn, or
two for two rears, as may be preferred.
IVThe nbovo doecrilxil ith which wt
offer f rce with oliro, are among the l-ot and uujnt
successful published. We sefinlly recommend
them to our hidsM-ri tiers, and Imlievu ull will
find them of real unefulnet-n and great interest.
Itr M. K. TuitNkii & Co.
Columbus. Neb. lublishern.
LOUIS SCHREIBER,
Sliert Netiee. Biggies, Wag-
ois, etc., Made t arder
and all work Jnar-
aiteed.
A w "P a? wM-iaou Walter A.
Wood Mower-, laaaer., Cobin-
" J1 BMxtmUm,
and 8elf-bindr-th
best made.
BTShop opposite the "Tattersall," on"
Olive t.. COLUMBUS. at-m
sa3Pi2.jBssssasa m
FMOMMAL SCHOOL
Blacksmitn and WaeonMaker
WOM CUSSES ?K
-ii-i i.u-. . .pared to fnrnish '' "
f Ts-7 """"? at noine. the whoh.
or the time, or for their snare moments. Hnsi
ness new, light and profitable. Persons of either
sex easily earn from SO cents to $8.00 pr evening
and a proportional sum by devoting all their
Hmetothabusineaa. Bora and girls earn nearly
JwlnchM mn' Jhat all whoee this may sn5
their address, and teat the business, we make
this offer. To such as are not well satisfied we
will send one dollar to pay for the trouble of
dress, (
..ivu-. ruiiiwucnuraaaa ontnt fr i
Ui
r .. u . . . ..
aoaoa Snaaoa St Co.. Portland. Maine.
dee-'Wy
-
J
mi , m
