Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911 | View Entire Issue (May 18, 1887)
Cmttmte lirariwL VOL. XVHL-NO. 4. COLTJMBTTS, NEB., WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 1887. WHOLE NO. 888. i I'.V t, COLUMBUS STATE BANK. COLUMBUS, NEB. Cash Capital $75,000. DIRECTORS: LKAXDKU UKRRARD. PreVt. UKO. W. HULSr. Vioe. PreVt. JULIUS A. llKKI). H. H. HENRY. I J. E.T.YSKKU. Cashier. Haak of epealt, lIceamt amd GitthaBge. CollocdoBM Promptly Made all-PelBt. Pay ter)Ml Tlaae Iep- (ta. 274 COLUMBUS Savings Bank, LOAN & TRUST COMPANY. Capita Sek, $100,000. OFFICERS: A. ANDERSON. Pres't. O. W. SHELDON. Vice Pr't. O. T. KOEN, Trww. ROBERT UI1L1U. 8oc. iSfWill reecho time dejiosits, fmm J1.00 and any amount upwards, and will pay the cus tomary rate of interest. o fy Wo particularly !niw jonr attention to tiur facilities for making Kmiiib on real estate, at the lowest rate of interest. tyCity, School ami County Bonds, anil in dividual securities are bought. ltSjune'tirty FOR THE WESTERN COTTAGE ORGAN CAIX OX A.&M.TURNER Or O. W. KIHLER, Traveling: Nalettvaa. ITheoe organs nro first-class in every par ticular, and so guaranteed. SCHIFFROTH & PLITH, DKlXZRfi'lN WIND MILLS, AND PUMPS. Buckeye Mower, combined, Self Binder, wire or twine. Pimps Repaired oh short settee HTOne door west of Heintx's Drnr Stow. 11th street, Columbus, Neb. 17noW-tf . HENRY G-ASS. TJNIEIiTA:ER ! COFFINS AND METALLIC CASES AND DIALER IN Parol tar , Chairs, Bedateada. Bu reaus. Tables, Safes. Lounges, Ac. Picture Frames and Mouldings. TWJiejMirivg of all kimls of Uphol stery Good. 6-tf COLU3IBD8. NEBRASKA. PATENTS CAYEm, TRADE NARKS ASD COPTEIGHTS Obtained, and all 'other business in the U.S. Patent Office attended to for MODERATE HEE8. Oar office is opposite the U. 8. Patent Office, and we can obtain Patents in less time than those renote from WASHINGTON. tad MODEL OR DRAWING. Wo advise as tonateatability free of charge: and make NO CHARGE UNLESS WE OBTAIN PATENT. We refer here to the Postmaster, the Sapt. of Mosey Order Div.. and to officials of the U. S. Patent Office. For circulars, advice, terms and inftmnui. to actual clients in your own State or coantr , write to Opposite Patent Office, Wa8bngton7l5rc. . vltv SOUTH SEA IMAGES. Gigantic Relics Found oa Poaape and Eaat cr Inlands. The success of one of our men-of-wai In securing one of the above images from Easter island for the Smithsonian institute has given fresli interest to the peculiar remains on this little island on the coast of Chili. The origin of theo images has been the puzzle of 'savants for j'ears, but it is only recent ly that it has been 'discovered that simi lar erections exist upon the island of Ponape or Ascension, ono of the Caro line group, situated in north latitude 6 ilirr'" ii2 mlmiti'j unil fnt liinmriulr . 158 degrees 21 miiiutos in the Pacific ocean. But little is known to the gen oral public regarding islands in the Pa cific out of the beaten track of voyag eurs. The whalemen, however, that pursue the large cetacean known as the sperm variety, in the tropical seas, vis it these delightful nooks to replenish their stock of .provisions and to lay in a store of fruits, pigs, and other prov ender before proceeding on their Arctic cruise. The lazy, life that the islanders lead, the enervating climate, and a de sire to escape the work on board ship have luien the causes of many sailors deserting at the points touched. Lured by the dark eyes and graceful forms of the dusky island women, they remain and lead a dolccfar nienlc life. Upon many of the islands that dot the vast Pacific these "beach-combers" are to be found, every Jack his Jill and a host of children around him. The Caroline group of islands belong to Spain, but, as is characteristic of the Spanish, nothing has been done in the way of exploration and little is known of them, except by traders or whalers. Guam is the port, but aftlic islands of Sal pan. and Ponapo whalers stop to re cruit. From information obtained by a Chronicle representative from oue of the whaling captains the following ac count of the ancient ruins, situated up on Ponape, was obtained: The beech of glistening whito sand and coral remains has a growth of rank gras-, reaching almost to the water-line. Dene groves of palm.cocoanut and cloth trees Mirround a village of huLs.through which the pathway to the ruins runs. Over basaltic rocks and volcanic debris, intermingled with obsidian, visitors are forced to climb, until a distance of. over ten miles from the shore is reached. Surrounded by a thicket of palms and a species of bamboo a series of vast terraces of stone rise, step by step, up the hillside. These terraces are prob ably three hundred yards in length and vary from twenty to thirty feet in width. The size of these terraces is insignifi cant when the topmost structure is reached. A wall of whitish stone rises at the summit, nearly thirty feet high, and forming an irregular rectangle. The stones composing the wall are from five to six feet in length and eight to ten feet thick, each stone weighing several tons. Although the sides of these gi gantic stones are perfectly smooth and of nearly equal proportions there is not the faiutest sign of a chisel mark. No cement has been used to hi- them in position and gaps occur at intervals. At the single gateway, or entrance, stand two stone monoliths over thirty feet high, each having at the top an im mense bowl. Passing through the en trance a stone altar is to be seen In the center of the inclosure. This altar is also composed of stone, but the texture beems to diller from that used to build the wall, although similar in color. Two flights of steps surround this ele vation, which has an immense tree growing in the center. In its growth the true has displaced the huge stones of the altar, and the north side is now out of its leveL Parasitical vines and undergrowth run over the walkthrough the crevice, and hang in graceful fes toons from the branches of the trees. Alarmed at man's auDroach beautiful golden green lizards, with backs glis tening in the bright sunlight, dart to and fro through the brush, but no ven omous reptiles are found. By what race these buildings were constructed is a mystery. The natives do not know; neither have they any tradition regarding them. To move such cyclopean stones must have re quired immense labor and appliances, and unless the progenitors of the pres ent race of natives were possessed oi a knowledge of tjie mechanical arts it is difficult to imagine who were the builders. Similar gigantic ruins and images are known to exist in the Pacif ic islands only on Easter island. The origin of these structures is surrounded with mystery, and archaeologists at tribute their raising to a forgotten race. Among the rice and yam fields on Sal pan island may be seen monoliths with bowls on their tops, but of small di mension. The natives call these stones onaccs, and state that their uses are for landmarks. The only recorded visit to Ponape by any scientific individuals was in 186G, when the Austrian frigate Novara call ed at the island. Other than this the existence of these interesting ruins is hardly known to the general scientific world. San Francisco Chronicle. An Odd Character. An odd character is Maj. C. C. Ben nett, who was sent to the city hospital late one ev.ening recently by Dr. Priest. He is well advanced toward the al lotcd four-score years and ten, and is now broken in spirit and physique. For sixteen years he was a resident of Honolulu, and only recently returned to his own country. He is now in that condition which is technically termed on his uppers," but, although the drafts on his pocket arc protested, his fund of information is still replete. I first went to the Sandwich Islands for my health." said the major. "In 1851 I started across the plains to Cali fornia, and while on top of the Sierra Nevada mountains I was caught in a snow-storm that came near ending my life. When rescued I eould not speak, and as a result sustained & severe paralytic stroke. After stopping in 'Frisco several years I. went to the Sandwich Islands, but only stopped a short time. I returned to Honolulu in 1865, and among my fellow-passengers on the steamer was Sam Clemens, who had already gained a reputation on the coast as a humorist. He was then writing for the Alia California and the Sacramento Union. He was about 80 years of age, and as jolly a fellow as you ever saw, brimful of funny stories which he was continually telling, and whenever he heard a funny oue he froze to it, dressed it up, and told it in "better style than he heard it. "The women could shut him up, though. He was what I'd call a bash ful man, and whenever a lady appeared near him he was as dumb as an oyster. If the female intruded in the middle of a yarn he shut up and sneaked off when he found a good opportunity. Twain only stopped on the islands a short time, but he had many experiences that he did not publish. The native girls had great fun with him bathing in the surf, and one timo came near drown ing him. Mark was a fair swimmer, but no one except a native could swim in the heavy surf that rolls on the beaches. They used to make the bath more agreeable by securing a board about four feet hmg on which they sup ported themselves. He went out on a board with a bevy of bathers one day, among whom were half a dozen native girls 14 yearn of age. They splashed, ducked, and thumped him until the breath was out of his body, and he was dragged on the beach unconscious. Then he was stood on hisliead, lifted up, and dropped like a ujle-driver until the water was supposed to be out of him. He revived under treatment but didn't see the joke, and afterward re ferred to the girls as devils. He visited tho volcanoes, made canoe voyages around the island, tried to make some of the savages laugh at his antics, and then returned to 'Frisco." "What is the native population oi the islands now?" "Five years ago it was 5,000, and the former population was 45,000. Notwithstanding the glowing reports sent by the missionaries from the island, Christianity is a failure. The natives have become so debased and de graded by foreign contact that im morality is natural with them. Dis ease, leprosy, and opium have entirely decimated the race. Two Chinamen in Honolulu pay a license of $40,000 each per annum for tho privilege of selling opium." Were you acquaiucd with Clans Spreekols?" "Was I? Well, 1 should say so. When I iir.".t went to 'Frisco in 1851 he was keeping a gin-mill with a board resting on two barrels for a counter. When I went to Honolulu he was there again dealing in liquor in a small way. lie. made money, bought up plantations cheap, and soon owned half tho island. He is now worth nearly f 100,000,000, and controls the sugar trade of the United States. "I started in the stationery business, but the public would not read. I tried to make them, and started a weekly, the files of which you see over there. I published this five years, doing most of the writing myself, but finally it went under in 1874. I returned to this coun try four years ago, and when I got broke I began to lecture. The erysipe las got a hold of me, and here I am." The major has not lectured under the auspices of any bureau, but catches the public eye with a small handbill bear ing the following: "Maj. C. C. Bennett, tho extensive traveler and renowned historian, and for sixteen years a resident of the Sandwich Islands, will give one of his intensely instructive and deeply inter esting lectures on the subject of 'Life in the Sandwich Islands.' Mention will be made of the origin of the Hawiaiian race, their discovery, over throw of idolatry, missionaries, curse of Chinese leprosy and'opium, the great volcano, goddess of fire, great eruption of 18C8, and the lost continent." BL Louis Itepubliam. Rarefied Air and Mania. It is strange how some people are affected by the light air and 6,000 feet altitude of Cheyenne," said Policeman Bean in a recent conversation, as re corded in the Cheyenne Sun. "A short time ago a book agent reached here from Denver. He was rather a cadaverous-looking chap, who didn't seem to pack around more blood in his constitution than the law allows. As the train neared Cheyenne he bo gan to glare around the car as if he was afraid somebody was going to slue him, and when the news agent parsed through peddling some oranges he fairly yelled for them to take him away. He was afraid of being killed. When he reached here he got spells in the same way, and I had a good deal of bother in soothing him. "When he wasn't flighty he told me that he had often been troubled that way when he reached any tolerably high altitude. The least excitement brought on a fresh spell. I learned afterward that he never had any sueh attacks at home. In my experience at the depot here I have known of many people who have been troubled in the same way. This seems to be especially true to ladies, who grow worse until they begin to descend the hill from Sherman to Laramie City, and on in quiring from the trainmen I learn that afterward they go through all righL" "You remember that little fellow from Nevada, who cut up such tan trums at the depot here a few months ago?" asked the Judge. The listener intimated that he hadn't forgotten the circumstances. "Well, that fellow began to show the effects of the altitude as the train neared Cheyenne. By the time he had reached here he had barricaded him self in the retiring-room and was about to throw himself out of the window when the trainmen forced their way in and caught him. He was sure sonie-bod- was going to kill him. I got him away from the crowd and told him I'd protect him, and finally got him quieted down. The trainmen looked after him until they began to descend from Sherman, and soon aft erward he seemed to be as sane as any body. "It was only a few days later that an old lady on the train was Aakcn in the same way. She got it into her head that a colored womon in the far end of the car had foul designs upon her. Until the train reached Chej'enne the unfortunate daughter of Africa did not dare move a muscle for fear of throw ing the old lady into convulsions. Cases of this sort turn up often." "What sort of people seem to be most affected that way?" was asked. "They are generally thin-blooded, nervous people, who, if they are in fair health, hare got but little vitality back of them," was the reply. "Very nerv ous old women are very often the vic tims. A slight jar or shock sets them to going, and then the depot-rustler has a picnic on his hands and no mis take. Their mauia always assumes the same phasethey always believe somebody is going to kill them." The Polite Reporter. When the Princess Louise, accom panied by her brother. Prince Leopold, visited Niagara Falls about seven years ago, she was for the first time acquainted with the quality of a gen uine American reporter's cheek. Half .a dozen lackeys and a score of Cana dian newspaper men accompanied the distinguished tourists from Montreal. Two Buffalo reporters were at tho Prospect House, adjacent to the Horse Shoe Falls, to meet the visitors. One of tho Montreal reporters, apparently the chosen leader of the .Canadian press delegation, patronizingly offered to take tho American knights of the pen oil under his wing. He proudly affirm ed that he was "solid" with tho man who looked after royalty's baggage. "Thank you, old boy, I guess we can get along," said one of the Buffalo re porters, a handsome, cheery, and gen tlemanly lad, to whose cheek the flush 'of diffidence had never come.- When Louise and Leopold drove up to the hotel the lackeys and the Canadian re porters respectfully drew back and un covered their heads. The breezy young American reporter advanced to the carriage, tipped his hat gallantly, and gracefully assisted the Queen's daugh ter to alight. "Oh, where are .the Falls?" the Princess exclaimed, with the enthu siasm of great but long-deferred ex pectations. The young man from Buffalo, coolly assuming that the question was direct ed to him personally, said: "The best sight can be obtained a few rods down the road. Allow, me to show you the way." Bowing pleasantly to Prince Leopold the young Buffalonian placed himself at the Princess's side, and by that rare and irristible nerve force that forms the basis of monumental cheek, he impelled the two children of royalty to trudge down the dusty road with him. "There are the Falls. What do you think of them?" said the reporter as they reached a commanding emi nence on the river's bank. "Very fine," said Leopold. "Beautiful! Grand! Sublime!" said the Princess earnestly. "What a won derful manifestation of power!" "Yes, it is an impressive sight," re sponded the reporter, with an efl'ort to place himself en rapport with the Prin cess. For several minutes the trio stood looking at the great cataract, and a few more adjectives were uttered. The conscienceless interviewer plied his arts skillfully, and succeeded in putting both the Prince and Princess in very good humor. He supplied them liberally with "facts" concerning the Falls, the whirlpool, the Suspension Bridge, and Table Rock, near which they stood, ant he threw in oue or two neatly phrased funny stories by way of seasouiug. "By the way, who are j'ou?" said Leopold, after he had laughed for the fourth or fifth time at the reporter's drolleries. - Oh, I am a reporter for the Buffalo ," said the young man, with beam ing frankness. "What, a reporter?" exclaimed the Princo, in a tone of alarm. "But you are not a bit like other re porters," said Louise, graciously, as her glance turned instinctively to the group of Canadian reporters, who were patiently waiting to witness the discomfiture of the cheeky young Am erican. "I am very much obliged to you for your kind attentions, and I am glad that we met you," concluded the Princess cordially, meanwhile extend ing her hand. "Thank you. Princess," responded the Buffalonian heartily, as he clasped the proffered hand. "And I also am obliged to j'on," 6aid Leopold somewhat stiffly. "That's all right. Prince," responded the reporter genially, as he bent big steps toward the hotel. - m A Modest Maiden. Said Seth Green, the fish culturist: "I was trout fishing on Pine creek, Pennsylvania, below Smith's dam. The creek below the dam was about five rods across, and the bottom covered with 'hard heads,' from the size of a goose egg to a barrel. The water was three feet deep and ran like a mill tail. About ten rods below it ran into a hole ten feet deep, and whirled around like the whirlpool of Niagara. There was no escape there for anybody if he was unlucky enough to get in, unless he was a very expert swimmer. There were saw-horses placed across the creek and planks fastened to them for a foot bridge. I had a twelve-pound basket nearly filled when I saw an eighteen-year-old girl come on the bridge. When she got to me I stepped on one of the sawhorses to let llcr pass. I watched her as she continued and don't think she had got more than thirty feet from me before I noticed that her head be gan to swim. She gave one of those peculiar screams such as is natural to all girls when in danger, tottered for an instant and fell head foremost down stream, and boing buoyed up some what by her clothing the swift current carried her rapidly along toward the deep hole. To drop my rod and jump into the water was but the work of a second, and I made my way over the hard heads' in three feet of wafer as fast as I could. I went down twice, but kept going and overtook her about fifty or sixty feet from where she went in, and then began the struggle. I grabbed her and turned her around, and the first thing she did was to clutch me with one hand and push her cloth ing down with the other, and when she had got them below the surface we were both taken off our feet and went slipping and floating down. We went three rods before I gained a footing. The girl must have been very fond of me, for I never got such a hugging in my life as she gave me. I had my trout basket with the strap hung over my shoulder. I kept swinging it around, and it looked at one time very much as though we three would go into the deep hole. Well. I finally -got a firm foot-hold, and then I had a pain ful duty to perform, and that was to stop that girl hugging me and get her quieted down so that she knew what she was about I told her that she must take hold of her garments, and with both hands raise them above the top of the water, or we never could get back to the bridge against the current I placed her in front of me, and put my arms around her, and we went lock step back to the bridge. I tell you, it was a severe wrestle with the bowl ders, current and basket of fish, butwt reached there at last, and then contin ued the same step to the edge of the bridge at which she came on. She wouldn't consent to go ashore unless I turned my back. 'I'm old enough' to be your grandfather,' I said. I don't care,' says she. and began to cry. Dammit,' says I, swearing for the sec ond time in my life. And I turned round and stayed in the water while she climbed out, arranged- her skiits and ran off. There I stood, with my long rubber boots filled with water, and wet from head to foot, my fish half gone out of my basket, and three miles between me and the hotel." Turf, Field and Farm. Two Balloon Stories. In a talk with John Forcpaugh last night, says a writer in the Philadelphia News, I heard several interesting stor ies of adventures with hot-air balloons. "We used to inflate the balloons and send them skyward at every stopping point of tho Forepaugh show," he said, "and I remember now one incident in regard to these balloons which occurred in 1874 at Chester. There was a largo crowd on the grounds, and a man we called Big Smith was inside the bag while it was being inflated. At hist tho J balloon bulged out, nearly full, and Smith crawled from under. Twenty five men were holding the balloon, and Smith, after he got outside the machine, saw a candy butcher named Mitchell standing near him. Before any one could count live Smith grabbed Mitch ell, threw him in the basket, and yell ed, 'Let go!' The men dropped tho ropes, the balloon shot aloft like a rock et, and ten thousand people strained their eyes as they saw it grow smaller and smaller, until it was out of sight. "When the balloon was first skipping toward heaven Mitchell's head could be seen over the edge of the basket, as he yelled, 'Help, for God's sake!' When the big bag floated beyond the range ol vision a dozen men started northward the waj the wind. carried the balloon in teams. They drove eight or ten miles, and they found the balloon with the wretched Mitchell lying helplessly iu the basket on the bank of a creek. Mitchell's head had actually turned white from fright in his hour's ride in tho clouds. "Several years after that, iu anothci town, Big Smith was inside anothei balloon while it was being inflated. After it was full of hot air he crawled over the edge of tho basket and another man got in for a trip through the ozone belt. Some one yelled, 'Let go!' The ropes were loosened, but one rope on the side on which Smith was getting out, took a turn around his leg. clutch ed him tightly, and as (he balloon shot skyward it took Smith with it by the ankle. His terrified companion in the basket, who heard the cry of horror that swept over the crowd, could not help him, for if he changed his position the chances were that the basket would upset or that the rope would uncoil. After about ten minutes the balloon came down with Smith unconscious and his head full of blood. However, he recovered, and is yet in the show business." From a Woman's Letter. Alas! the sarcasm of it all! I am not sure that I have many months of life! But if I have what then? Dieu sait! I can never work again! Shall I not then pray for death as I now pray for life? Encore! Qui sait? It is very sad to be taken when one is in the very flower of KssibiIities, at the desirable time when ambition may justly look for gratification. If I could tell you of this hourly contemplation of what I most loathe and dread! There are times when I could shriek out in rebellion against my sentence. I could fight anything but this inexorable malady. And I love life, and am so young in heart and mind. I cannot measure myself by years, I feel, or rather felt so young. God bless you! dear friend!" Let me kiss it a moment, then put it away. this sad little letter that traveled to nif From a beautiful woman of days that arc gone, who is dying in solitude over thr sea! Just read it, you women! and read it, you men! who have beauty to barter and money to spend; It was wrung- from a heart that Is torn with despair, 'tis a letter of sympathy sent to a friend. As I think of the past there's a sigh on the breoze, as I try to forget there's a wail In the air, For the darkness it closes around as we move. anda Valley or Shadows is Vanity Fair' Ah, the days were so sunny, the sky was sc blue, and tho apples so readily foil tc the band Of the beautiful women whoonco were so pure as they wandered Uko Evo In Bohemia'; Land! There was something so tender and true in the voice of the Serpent who glided and bask'd undor leaves Concealing the fruit that a mtnuto destroys, and allfetlmeof misery nover retrieves' There were kisses In plentr.'anB Jewels galore, and decp-sccntcd flowers to twine In th hair Of the woman who drank up her Joy at a draught, and galloped on Pleasure thro' Vanity Fair! And now it is ended, the tipples are gone. an the Serpent in solitude grins on thr trco. But the dear voice of Love, thnt was all in the world. Is as sad as the desolate moan ol tho sea! So the women are silently praying for Death who nover prayed once In their beauti ful lire: For the dull pain of dying, it whitens tho face, as tho past to the heart cuts it way likr a knife. Ah! tho sigh of regret that sinks Into tho souL ami the wail of remembrance that sobs on the air! For the curtain falls slowly, tho play's at an end. and the lights are extinguished ir Vanity Fair! Clement Scott in the Theatre. Getting Ahead of the Lawyer. In a Vermont county court an un promising looking witness was being badgered by a clean-cut lawyer, who stands high in his profession, and who, although well advanced in years and completely bald, prides himself on his youthful appearance and personal pres ence. The point aimed at was to determine which of two barns, one of which was destroyed by fire, was covered by in surance; and the method of the. wit ness in distinguishing them as the old" and the "new" barn caused the lawyer to branch out in a series of con fusing questions, winding up with "What is the age of the one 'ou de fine as the old' barn, and what are the distinguishing marks that attest its ageP" "Wall," said the badgered witness, looking Hie lawyer straight in the C3e, "the old barn must have been as old as j-ou are, and needed shing ling full as bad." Boston Budget. MSI . Hayes & Steelman, of Sierra City, Cal., found a. nugget valued at $700 in their mine, and Hayes has it on exhibj. lion in San Francisco. WIT AND TIMOR. I have a theory about the dead lan guages," remarked a Brown Univer sity freshman. "I think they were killed by being studied too hard. Providence Telegram. "Well, Count, any sport this morn- :.,o' "licltM! mon ami, ery sad siort. I 'ave shot three beautiful misses!" He means he has missed three beautiful shots. Punch. An eminent scientist claims that a sober man can become intoxicated by passing half an hour with a drunken man. He can if the lattor's money holds out Burlington Free Press. A big gopher snake in Florida re cently swallowed a rattlesnake and was killed by it from tho inside. This fable teaches that it is not often safo togophora rattlesnake. Boston Post. Resident (facetiously) What do you think of water as a bevcrago. Colonel? Kentucky- Colonel As a beverage? As a drink, do you mean? Resident Yes. Colonel Why. I try not to think of it at all in that connection. Pitts burg Dispatch. That couple who has just passed us reminds mo. of a sort of fruit which is neither palatable nor desirable," said a gentleman to a friend. "What makes them so objectionable?" asked the friend. "Thej- are a 'prickly pair.' " National Weekly. "Maud has taken a severe cold," re marked Clara. "She is threatened with pneumonia." "How did she take cold?" asked Ella. "She went sleigh riding the other evening with lier brother." "With her brother? How improvident." A'cw York Sun. M. Spuller, the Deputy who repre sented France -at the Bartholdi statue dedication, declares that in the United States there is more liberty and less license thau anywhere else. True, O keen-ej'ed Spuller! more liberty to get drunk anil less high license. Mistress The coffee is so strong this morning that it's absolutely bitter, Kathleen. Maid Yis," maam. Th' polaceman on this bate do lie com plainin' av th' wakeness av it all win ther, an' durin' cowld wither cook is aft her humorin' th' poor divil a bit. Tid-BUs. Swell No. 1 (pretending to mistake for an usher, a rival whom he sees standing in evening dress at the cloak room of the theater) "Ah! have you a programme?" Swell No. 2 (equal to the occasion) -'Thanks my man; got oue from the other fellow." New York Tribune. "It's been given out that my daugh ter av:is married," said a gentleman nearGrillin recently, "but I want, to state there ain't no truth in it. Such talk as that will keep the young men away. She ain't married at all, but is jest as williu' as ever." Columbus (Ga.) Enquirer. Lawyer Now, you say you've known this couple for years? Witness Yes, sir. Lawyer Ever seen them quar rel? Witness Never. Lawyer They've always lived together in unity, eh? Witness No, sir, iu Swamps ville. Unit's about four miles from Unity. The Judge. At a table d'hote. An Englishman, pointing to the piece de resistance a huge roast turkey calls out: "Garcon, bring me that chicken, if you please." "I pray that monsieur will have the kindness to wait until it is cut." "O, nevermind aliout that, I will eat it just as it is." French Fun. First lady "Yes, I've tried three different .sewing-machines in the last six months." Second lady "What pests these sewing machine agents are, ain't they?" First lady "Pests? Why, if it wasn't for them I should have had to buy a machine ten years aero?" New Ilaven News. A Chicago news item states that the American hog holds its own and pork-packers look cheerful." When a lady enters a passenger car and sees a man and his feet and gripsack occu pying four seats she must conclude that the American hog is holding more than its own. Norristown Herald. "How hideous Miss Blakely looks in that new bonnet" "I thought it was very becoming. At least the trim ming was very appropriate." "I didn't notice the trimming." "The bonnet was trimmed with ivy leaves.'" "Ivy is very appropriate. It only clings to old ruins." Texas Siflings. The incarceration of a once popular circus clown in a county jail in New York state is probably well enough in its way. What suffering humanity most needs, however, is some disposal of his collection of old jokes which shall insure their perpetual retirement from public view and hearing. Pitts burg Dispatch. The Rev. Sam Jones, who is now cvangelizing in Boston, announces that he would like to make that town "a suburb of glory." He will not suc ceed, however; the people down there would never submit to it. Now if he wanted to make glory a suburb of Bos ton it might be a different matter. Philadelphia Call. The Rev. Dr. Mackiuzie has been lecturing on Munkaesy's great picture of "Christ Before Pilate." The rever end gentleman gave elaborate, ac curate, and exhaustive a description of the celebrated painting that if he should ever have the good fortune to see it he will be able to recognize it in a minute. San Francisco News-Letter. A well-known professional gentle man said concerning the General As sembly "investigation" and its hang fire developments that it reminded him of a motion made by a Connecticut legislature on the famous "dark day." The member rose iu his seat and with quivering voice exclaimed: "Mr. Speaker, I move who's afraid." Provi dence Journal. Bridget "I'm goin' to lave 3z, mum. Iv'rything about the house is too unhand-, mum." Her mistress "I'nl sorry to hear that you are going. But what is that fastened to your waist?" Bridget "It's a walkometer, mum. It shows that I've, walked nine miles this mornin' gittin' breakfast I can't stand anything like that, mum." Harper's Bazar. At the club. Two gentlemen paying at ecarte: "How is this," cries one. You have counted three oints!" Well, what of it?" "But you only made two." "I assure you, monsieur pil bet a louis that you only have two." Softly, my friend. Per mit me. I am not certain enough of it to bet; but I will give you my word of honor!" French Fun. "That last butter was very bad, sir," said the cook, as she left an order for groceries. "Was it? Why, Mr. Blank and his wife were both in here yesterday aud hail no complaint to mako." . "Ah! sir, but I had a little party iu the kitchen the other night, and you should have heard how the coachman took on about it! Please be a bit more careful, for I feel that my reputation is at stake." Detroit Free Press. An old fanner in Readtield had a rough family of lnys many years ago. Ono day when he had some company in tho fore room a tremendous uproar was heard in the kitchen. It was evi dent that a fearful row was in progress. A bov broke into the room crying: "Father, Jim is killing Hill!" The old man waved him blandly away with his hand, saying: "Let the lambs play! Let the lambs play!" Dexter (Me.) Gazette. m m ' Hints for Kstheie. A pair of old castaway boots veneer ed with gilt make a pretty wall orna ment. To -add to the effect put patches of cotton wool on the legs, to imitate snow. An old pair of corsets ornamented with creeping vines and pretty designs in leaf, mako a very elegant ornament to hang over a bed-room door. An old coal scuttle tinted with deli cate shades of scarlet and cerulean blue furnishes a unique relief for a dining room wall. To brighten the effect, place several selected vegetables in the scuttle, allowing the tops to be seen at a distance half way across the room. As an ornamental design for a front hall take a dozen tomato cans and paint each one a different color. Tie a bow of pretty satin ribbon of various shades about each. Run a gaudy string through the lot and hanjr them on the wall close to the ceiling. One can hardly imagine the divine effect of this exquisite collection. Au old tin .water sprinkler covered with a halo of gilt stars and pulverized glass diamonds, and suspended from a parlor chandelier, is very attractive. A large pink satin bow arranged over the spout adds veiy materially to the effect Whitehall Times. The Mun About Town. I fell to thinking of tho rounders and men-aboiit-towii as I leaned over the edge of a box nnd saw them file past me iu platoons. They go to pieces at a faster rate than any other set of men in the world. Many a head was gray that did not show a sign of age five years ago, and man after man passed by with a careless carriage and &se face who had not passed thirty, but who looked and acted the man of fifty years. Some of the men who were turning gray when I was a boy, and who are perhaps now forty and forty five years of age, are round-shouldered, bent and querulous, their faces white and their heads bald and gray. They were admirably dressed, their manners eaBy and agreeable, and everybody knew them, but they were the oldest men in the world that night. The average man-about-town seems to go to pieces all at once. He is suave, well dressed, agreeable ami apparently healthy for a few years, and then sud denly he goes all to pot. It never changes his manner or his habit It holds him up as an appalling example to younger men, but I doubt if it ever does any good. -V. Y. Letter to San Francisco Argonaut. In a recent issue the Arizona Howler says: 'tWe have received from John Smallwart, of Grab Hollow, the follow ing note: 'Inclosed find 50 cents for which per your premium ofier in last week's issue send me your valuable paper for one year, and also one sew ing machine with latest improvements, one oil painting of the President aud family, one barrel of flour, XXXXXX brand preferred, and one complete guide to poker.' In his eagerness to send us his wealth, Mr. Smallwart for got to notice that iu addition to the above valuable premium'., we also send to our new subscribers a deed for a corner lot in Dead Man's Gulch. Step up lively, gentlemen; now is the time to subscribe." Italy does better than the United States iu the matter of monuments. One has been erected to Victor Em manuel at Turin costing 200.000, all of which was paid bj- King Humbert Another is going up on the Jauiculum in Rome to Garibaldi, to cost as much. Milan, Naples. Genoa, Palermo, and Bologna are putting up monuments to Victor Emmanuel costing from $50,000 to $100,000 each, and Genoa is spend ing $30,000 on one to Mazzini. The late Commodore Vanderbilt was one of the strongest men we ever knew, and yet lie labored under the delusion that a clairvoyant whom he had once met was able to tell from the mere inspection of a lock of hair the trouble that the owner of the hair suf fered from. We repeatedly heard him avow his belief in the clairvo'ant, and knew him once to send a member of congress to her for treatment. N. Y. Ledger. After the opera: Twelve 3 ear old miss The opera was very long, wasn't it mamma? Mamma Yes, daughter, and very stylish. Miss- The ballet girls don't sing, do the mamma? Mamma No, daughter. Miss Why do they have tho ballet, then, mamma? Papa To make the opera as brond us it is long, daughter. Don't ask any more questions. Washington Critic. One of the most striking figures in New York city is that of Mr. David Dudley Field. Old enough to be a grandfather to half the folks he passes, he is one of the most vigorous and act ive pedestrians in the throng. It is said he lives mainly for one thiug. and that is to see his codification of the laws adopted by the state. The menu of an afternoon tea given recently by the daughter of a Murray hill millionaire consisted only of black tea served in common blues tone china and potato cakes on tiny tin plates. Alexander Dumas, the younger, is now in bis 63d year and his hair is silvery white. National Bank! or COLU9IBU8, NEB, -HAS AN- nd the lorgetit Paid im Caak Capital of any bank in this part of the State. Authorized Capital of $250,000, A Surplus Fund of - $20,000, y Dtjxtsita received and iutervot iaid oa time depoaih. ty Drafts on the principal citii in thincoun trj and Europe bonght and Bold. jyCullectionsi and all other buinctu gion prompt and careful attention. tVTOCKUOLDKBH. A. ANDERSON, PrwTt. 1IEKMAN 1. H.OEIILKICH. Vice Prei't. O.T.ROEN.Owhifr. J. P. HECKF.lt, HERMAN OEHLU10H. ii. m ii u x id. f li11f111TPU W. A. MCALLISTER. JONAH WELCH. JOHN W. EARLY, P. ANDEKrUlN. U. ANIIEKHON, ROBERT UHLIO, CARL REINKE. Apra-Vfltf usiness $nris. D.T. Makttx, M. D. F. J. Bunco. M. D. Drs. XARTYX ft SCHUQ, U.S. Examining Surgeons, Loctd Surueonrt. Union IV.cific. O., N. A H. II. and . .V M. R. It's. CViiKulftition in ((ruum and English Telo phoueriat otticcund reilf!ic-. rSfOUIe? on Olive ctreot, noxt to Hrxlfueh rvr'a Jewelry Store. COLUMRUS. NEBRASKA. 13-y H AMiiro: inKAUixn. ., PHYSICIAX AXh SUKGKUX. PlattM Center, NVIirankiu V-y W. 91. COKaKI.IUW, Z-'IH' AND COLLECTION OFFICE. Upntairx KriiHt ImiMiiiK. tlth street. oiii.i.ivak Ac ki:i:ii:k, ATTORNEYS AT LAW, OHiee over Fitt Nhtionnl Hunk. Colmnlms, N(-brakn. MMf C '1 . KVAHM, 91. IK, niYsicux axi scnciEox. (SfOtiice and room. (Sluck ImiMintr, lllh Htreet. Telephone iiiuununiration. -' M CAI.MKTKK IIKOM., ATTOIiiXEYS AT LAW, Office up-ptnirH in Henry's building, corner of 01ie and 11th street. V. A. McAHiwter, No tary Public. "lOllili KaJMUl-:, CUUXTY Sl'Kl'EYUK. GyPnrtiet ileniriinc mineying done can ml drenh tue nt Colmnbun, Neb., or rail nt nil otlico in Court House. Sinnj.-rt-y vjoTici: toti:ahi:k!4. W. H. Tedrow, Co Snpt. 1 will lie at my olKcin the Court HoiiM'tlut third Saturday of ein-li month for the examina tion of teachers. ?J-tf D K. J. CHAN. -,l,Y, DEUTSCHER AKZT, Coluuilmn, Nebraska. fctyOllice 11th Street. Contultation in En Klixh, French and (iennan. 'JmarST JOHN (i. H1GG1NS. C. J.JARLOW, Collection Attorney. HIGGIHS & GARLOW, ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW, Specialty made of Collections by C. J. (iiirlow. 21-ui HOMGEOPATHIST. Ckreaio Diaeaaes aad Diseases of Children a Specialtv. SST"OlKce on Olive street, three doors north of First National Rank. '.My P II.K1JSC1IE, llth St., opposite Lindell Hotel. Sells Harness. Saddles, Collars. Whips. lilnnkxts, Curry Combs, lirufthet. trunks, valises, IniKtor tops, cushions. cnrriftKP triiiiminK, Vc, at the lowest possible prices. Repairs promptly at tended to. J.J 91. nACFAKLAKIK ATTORNEY AND NOTARY PUBLIC. LAW AND COLLECTION OFFICE J. M. HACFARLANB, Columbus. Nebraska. RCBOYD, - MANUVWCTCHEIi OK Tin and Sheet-Iron Ware ! Job-Work, Hoofing and Gutter ing a Specialty. EfifShop on Olive street. - dm.p north of Brodfuehrer's Jewelry Store. " KJ-tf A.J.AKN0LD, 1E.W.KK IN DIAMONDS, FINE WATCHES, Oockw, Jewelry AND SILVERWARE. Strict attention given to reiwiirinsc of Watches nnd Jewelry. fcCVill not lie undersold by iinybody." NebtATenae. Opposite Clotker Hoase. YOU ran live at home, ami make more money at work for us. than at nnr- thirnt ele in the world. Capital not needed: von are startid free. Both sexes: all aKes. Anyone can do the work. I-ir( earning sure from first Mart. Costly outfit and terms free. Better not delay. Costs ou nothing to send us your addre-s and find out; if you are wise you will do eo at once. If. Hali.ett J: Co., Portland. Maine. dec2-'Sriy NEwgPAffR A book of 100 page. The best book lor an advertiser to con sult, be he experi enced or otherwise. aier9 and estimates oftheco!toradvertlslnjr.Theadverti3crwtio wants to spend one dollar, finds in It the in formation he requires, while forbim who will Invest one hundred thousand dollars in ad vertising; a schome is indicated which will meet his every requirement, or can be made to do to by itight changes etuilp arrived at by cor respondence. 119 editions have been Issued. Sent, post-paid, to any address for 10 cents. Write to GEO. P. ROWELL & CO.. NEWSPAPER ADVERTISING BUREAU. OoapcnMibPriaUagHoaMlq.), New York AdVER II