The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, May 28, 1884, Image 1

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M. K. TDliNER fc CO.,
Proprietori and Publishers.
Z3T OFFICE, Eleventh St., up ttairs
in Journal Building.
Peryear " 22
Six month? 22
Three months
Single copies
D.T. Maxty.v. M. D. F. .1. SCHDG, M. D.
D. S. Examining Surgeons,
LopiI Snreeon-'. Union Pari tic, O., X.
Jt B. U.. .iu-.l K. & 31. U. R'.
CoiiKultitionF in German and Kn:lMi.
Telephones) at ortice and residence.
-p ioi;iikkty, i. .,
JSTOUii-e second door eas.t of post-office.
Dieaei of women and children a spe
cialty. County physician. Office former
ly occupied by Dr. I5oueteel. Telephone
exchange. a
On corner of EIi-i-uth and North streets,
over Ernsts hardware store.
ioie:vi:iiG' nijijjvas,
A TTOltNE YS-A '1 -LA W,
Up-s,tair in Oluck ltuilding, 1Hi street,
Above the New bauk.
TT J. 1BIII50.,
12th Slrei't.i iloors n-t.t or Hammond Hoase,
Columbus. Nfb. "''l-y
KJTOllhe in .Mitchell Block, Colutn
1U, Nebraska. H-
x 6i. Ki:i:ii:it.
A T I'OllX E Y A T LA W,
Office on olie St., Columbia, Nebraska.
Foreign and Domestic Liquors and
11th t-troct, Columbus, Neb. 50-y
Office up-stalrs in McAllister's build
ing 11th hi. W. A. .McAllister, Notary
Attcnoy si Hc'.iry ?aW c. CcUectcr.
- OK
Columbus, : : : Nebraska.
F. 1 ltI-.KSt. .11. IK,
(Sueeor to Dr. A. llullhorst)
Regular grailuate of two medical col
leges. Offi.-f Olive St., one-half block
north of llainmond House. 2-ly
Land, Loan and Insurance,
Money to loan on long or short time on
Ileal Estate in sum to mi it parties. ."0-y
J. J. .llAUCJIlA,
Justice, County Surveyor, Notary,
Land and Collection Agent.
jQTl'iirtic!. desiring surveying done can
notifv me by mail at IMatte Centre, Neb.
llth St., opposite Lindell Hotel.
Sells Harness, Saddles, Collars, "Whips,
Blankets, Currv Combs, Brushes, trunks,
valises, buggv" tops, 'cushions, carriage
trimmings, Ac, at the lowest possible
prices. Repairs, pn mptly attended to.
it which i
a week at home. $".00 outfit
free. l.iv absolutely sure. No
risk. Capital not required.
Reader, if you want business
at which person oi eituer sex, young or
old, can make great pay all the time they
work, with absolute certaiuty, write for
particulars to 11. Hallet .t Co., Port-
land, Maine.
Office, Thirteenth St., between Olive
and Nebraska Avenue. Residence on the
corner of Eighth and Olive.
All Work Guaranteed.
Carpenters and Contractors.
Havehad an extended experience, and
will guarantee satisfaction in work.
All kinds of repairing done on short
notice. Our motto is, Good work and
fair prices. Call and give us an oppor
tunitvtoestimatcforyou. 5TShop on
13th SU, one door west of Kriedhof &
Co's. store, Columbus. Nebr. 483-v
o. c. shannonT
Tin and Sheet-Iron Ware !
Job-Work, Roofing and Gutter
ing' a Specialty.
fSTShop on Eleventh Street, opposite
Heintz's Drus: Store. 46-y
His lands comprise some fine tracts
ia the Shell Creek Valley, and the north
ern portion of Platte county. Taxes
paid for non-residents. Satisfaction
guaranteed. 20 y
Packers and Dealers in all kinds of flog
product, cash paid for Live or Dead Hogs
or grease.
Directors. R. H Henry, Prest.; John
Wiggins, Sec. and Treas.; L. Gerrard, S.
J. B. Moncrlef, Co. Supt.,
Will be in his office at the Court Home
oa the third Saturday of each
month for the purpose of examining
applicants for teacher's certificates, and
for the trans actton of any other business
pertaining to schools. 667-y
VOL. XV.-NO. 5.
3a:::a:rtt3 Ourui a la is! Tussr A Iilst.
'.AMI CAPJTAL, . $50,000
Gko. W., Vice Pres't.
Julius A. Reed.
Howard A. Gerrakd.
J. E. Taskeu, Cashier.
Ilaak of Iepelt, 1Imcsibi
and Exckassce.
4;olIectIean Prsaptly Made a
ull PolatM.
Pay latereMf ei Time DeBtts
It. 274
Anlstut Cu&ler.
CdTPrompt attention given to Col
lections JSTPay Interest on time deposits.
t3TInEurance, Passage Tickets and
Real Estate Loans. 3-tf
Bran, Shorts,
B33-A11 kinds of FRUITS in hefr sea
on. Order, promptly tilled.
lltli Street, Columbus, Nebrv
Furniture, Chairs, Bedsteads, Bu
reau. Tables, Safes, lounges,
&c, Picture Frames and
tSTJiepairing of all kinds of Upholstery
for the working class
Send 10 cents for postage,
and we will mail you free
a royal, valuable box of
sample goods that wilt put you in the way
of making more money in a few days than
vou ever thought possible at any busi
ness. Capital not required. We will
start you. You can work all the time or
in spare time only. The work is univer
sally adapted to both sexes, young and
old. You can easily earn from 50 cents to
i every evening. That all who want
work may test the business, we make
this unparalleled offer; to all who are not
well satisfied we will send 1 to pay for
the trouble of writing -U. Full particu
lars, directions, etc.,.sent free. Fortuues
will be made by those who give their
whole time to the work. Great success
absolutely, sure. Don't delay. Start now.
Address Stinsox & Co., Portland, Maine.
FARMERS, stock raisers, and all other
interested parties will do well to
remember that the "Western Horse aud
Cattle Insurance Co." of Omaha is the
only company doing business in this state
that insures Horses, Mules and Cattle
aainit loss by theft, accidents, diseases,
or injury, (as also against loss by fire and
lightning). All representations by agents
of ether Companies to the contrary not.
HENRY OARN, Special Ag't,
15-y Columbus, Neb.
Plans and estimates supplied for either
frame or brick buildings. Good work
guaranteed. Shop on 13th Street", near
ist. Paul Lumber Yard, Columbus, Ne-
52 6mo.
Livery and Feed Stable.
Is prepared to furnish the public w.'th
good teams, buggies and carriages for all
occasions, especially for funerals. Also
conducts a sale stable. 44
IsaVSkBMBfc . XHM CM4jMf b
National Bank!
AitborUei Capital,
Paid Ii Capital,
Sirplis aid Profits,
- $250,000
- 6,000
A. ANDERSON, Pres't. n ,
SAM'L C. SMITH. Vice Pres't.
O. T. ROEN, Cashier.
.1. W. EARLY,
Foreign and Inland Exchange, Passage
Tickets, ana Real Estate Loans.
J. E. NORTH & CO.,
Sock SpiBg Coal,
I'arboi (Wyouiig) Coal.
Eldoa (Iowa) Coal
.$7.00 per ton
.. 6.00 "
.. 3.50 "
Blacksmith Coal of best quality al
ways on hand at low
est prices.
North Side Eleventh St.,
Improved and Unimproved Farms,
Hay and Grazing Lands and City
Property for Sale Cheap
Union Facific Land Office,
On Long Time and low rate
of Interest.
ISTFinal proof made on Timber Claims,
Homesteads and Pre-emptions.
t3ar All wishing to buy lands of any de
scription will please call and examine
my list of lands before looking else wbere
i3JAU baviug lands to sell will please
call and give tne.a description, term ,
price, etc.
JpFl a so am prepared to insure prop
erty, as I have tbe agency of several
lirst-class Fire insurance companies.
F. W. OTT, Solicitor, speaks German.
30-tf Columbus, Nebraska.
General Agents for the Sale of
Union Pacific, and Midland Pacific
B. B. Lands for sale at from S3.00 to S10.00
per acre for casa, or on Ire or ten years
time, in annual payments to suit pur
chasers. We have also a large and
choice lot "of other lands, improved and
unimproved, for sale at low price and
on reasonable terms. Also business and
residence lot6 in the city. We keep a
complete abstract of title to all real es
tate in Platte County.
AH kiads of Repairiis doie
Shart Netiee. Biggies, Wag-
eis, etc., sade t order,.
- aid all work Gaar-
Also sell tat worH-frawes Walter A.
Wood Xtvara, Isaptrs, Cambin
ed Xaakiaaa, Hamsters,
and Mf-aiBdata-tha
"Shop opposiU the " Tattersall," on
Olive St., COLUMSUB. 26-m
the Faithful housewife.
I see her In ber faonte content.
The faithful housewife, day by day;
Her duties seem like pleasures sent.
And Joy attends her on her way.
She cares not for tbo loud acclaim
That roes with rank and social strife,
Her wayside home Is more than fame;
She Is its queen the faithful wife.
When summer day are soft and fair.
And blrd-sonsrs nil the cottage trees
She reaps a benison as rare
As her own gentle ministries.
Peace shrines itself upon her face.
And happiness In every look:
Her voice Is full of charm and grace.
Like music of the summer brook.
In winter when the days are cold.
Arid all the landscape dead and bare, -How
well she keeps her little fold.
How shines the fire beside her chairl
The children go with pride to school.
The father's toil half turns to play.
Bo faithful is her frugal rule.
So tenderly she molds the day.
Let higher stations vaunt their claim.
Let others sing of rank and birth.
The faithful housewife's honest fame
Is linked to tbe best joy on earth.
A'. Y. Ledger.
Why People Hare Ileatfkciie Some Facts
Concerning a Very Cominou and Vexa
tious Complaint.
Of the numerous trilling ailments in
cident to this life, uono is mora demor
alizing than headache. The persons
who are never troubled so are very
rare. They are equally fortunate.
Common as is the occurrence of this
complaint, it never appears in the mor
tuary lists as a cause of death. Indeed,
headache, of itself, is no disease at all.
It does, however, occur frequently in
the course of many very diverse mal
conditions. While thinking of head
ache, the reader should remember that
in the head are located a number of im
portant organs in addition to the brain,
and that the brain, by means of the
nerves, is in very intimate relation with
the abdominal cavity and contained or
gans, derangement of any of which is
quite capable of originating grievous
headache. As has just been intimated,
pain may recur at regular intervals in a
definito part of the head and be due to
a cause entirely foreign to the brain.
Such pain in the headls fitly termed a
. periodic headache.
A good way to get a comprehensive
idea of headaches is to consider them
in groups according to their cause,
thus: Headaches due to systemic con
ditions, as rheumatism; headaches de
pendent upon alleetions of organs dis
tant from the head, as, for instance, the
digestive apparatus, and, lastly, head
aches due to change of structure or de
rangement of function of organs within
the head itself. Pain in the head from
the last-named causes is well illustrated
by the headache which so frequently
follows the infliction of violence directly
upon the head. The nain in such a
case is usually due to a change in the
membrane covering the brain, a condi
tion technically called meningitis. Tu
mors pressing "upon the brain investure
will often cause pain in the head very
like that of meningitis. The headache
generally experienced by persons who
nave survived sun-stroke is of a similar
character. Disease of the bones of the
skull will also cause persistent and se
vere pain in the head. Affections of
the teeth and of the membrane lining
the upper part of the nose, also
diseased conditions of the eye and ear,
are believed to, and doubtless frequently
do, cause pain in the head. Pain from
affections of the ear is mostly felt in the
Tegion of the head conesponding to
the position of this organ. Frontal
headache is very generally felt by the
individuals who suffer from chronic
nasal troubles. Pain in the head from
defective sight is provoked and aggra
vated by the use of the defective eye
for near work.
Derangements of the heart and di
gestive apparatus aro quite common
causes of pain in the head. Headache
is also provoked by changes in other
organs quite distant from the head. A
characteristic headache is that in .vhich
the pain is felt most severely upon the
top of the head. Reflex headache is a
very good name for this pain. The way
in which heart troubles cause headache
is purely mechanical. An enlarged
heart or one temporarily over-excited
from some cause pumps an undue quan-'
tityof blood into the cranial cavity,
which is an unyielding space. The un
usual amount of blood now present in
this space pressing upon the sensitive
Earts of brain produces a pain in the
ead which is called a congestive head
ache. This pain is niado worse by any
excitement or by stooping, a fact that
helps to indicate the nature of the case.
The pain felt in tiie head after unusual
libations and also after some undue
mental effort is probably of this nature.
. Headache from derangement of the
digestive apparatus is probably the most
frequent of all. Atrocious headaches
these are. They generally happen
something like this: the victim rises
from bed in the morning feeling a trifle
off, with perhaps a sense of uneasiness
in the stomach and a slight pain in one
temple. As the day advances the pain
in the head and 'general dNtress in
crease, and by afternoon the individual
reckons that his head is fit to burst, and
doesn't care very much if it would do
so; presently an attack of vomiting and
perhaps a slight diarrhea occurs, and
then the pain gradually disappears, to
return again, however, when the neces
sary conditions arc present for its ex
istence. These are the typical sick head
aches, some of the victims of which de
clare they have inherited the trouble.
There is considerable likeness between
the condition just described and sea
sickness. ' The pain in the head very usually co
incident with the onset of some febrile
complaints is a very good example of
neaaacne irom general systemic con
ditions. In this case the circulation of
vitiated blood probably provokes pain,
neuralgic in character!
Individuals who have inherited
strongly-marked nervous tendencies,
and who from any oause may be inpoor
general health, are very liable to nave
pain shooting up through the temples
and back ot the head. These pains
are often followed by soreness of the
scalp. They also are neuralgic in
character, and are especially obstinate
in the aged. Coincidcntplumbic (lead)
or malarial poisoning increases the sus
ceptibility of individuals to these pains.
Rheumatic persons often have pain in
the head, also accompanied by sore
ness. Such headaches are, as a rule,
promptly relieved by rheumatic treat
ment. This also gives a hint as to the
nature of these pains. There is an af
fection called by the medical men
a tuberculosis, which is really a sort of a
low grade of inflammation. ' This affec
tion occasionally attacks the mem
brane covering the brain, and then
causes the characteristic pain of menin-
fitis before referred to. Tapping the
ead lightly with the ends of the fingers
aggravates pain of this kind. Head
ache, worse at night, is also be
lieved to be characteristic of another
Jonn of meningeal innammatios.
Owing to certain derangements of
the kidneys they become unable to per
form their usual duty, as a result of
which certain substances remain in the
blood that in health are cast off from
the system. This condition is really a
blood-poisoning and produces an ex
ceedingly grave form of headache.
Sometimes quite unaccountable head
aches are due to the excessive use of
tea and coffee. The most general causes
of headache have now been mentioned.
It is quite possible for more than one of
these malconditions to affect an individ
ual at the same time, a circumstance
which, it is fair to infer, might give rise
to unusually frequent and severe head
aches. To make briefly any intelligent
suggestion for the relief of all these de
rangements is manifestly impossible.
One thing must be plain, viz: that any
remedy that is guaranteed to cure every
case of headache must fail sometimes,
and it is probable that all such remedies
do fail oftener than they succeed. In
deed, it is also probable that the tradi
tional brown paper steeped in vinegar
and applied to the aching head is just as
useful as many of the reputed "sure
cures " for headache. A physician who
was something of a joker, and who may
appear a trine malicious, was in the
habit of ordering for a sick headacho
three glasses of lukewarm water, to be
swallowed in rapid succession, and to
be followed immediately by a glass of
hot mustard water. The effect of this
treatment on such headaches is at times
very beneficial. It is also quite astonish
ing to the uninitiated. Fhiludelvhia
He Wanted to Know.
A well-known fellow-citizen now
prowling not to say growling
through Europe writes us the following
touching experience:
44 1 had been for about half an hour,
he says, "sitting on the deck of one of
the miserable little ' packets' that ply
between Dover and Calais, and exasper
ating my fellow-passengers by refusing
to join iu the carnival of sea-sickness
going on arouud me, when a ruddy
faceu, white-wlnskered, bluff-looking
individual who had been eyeing me for
some time stepped up and .-aid:
"Be pardon, I'm sure; but you are
really the American?'
" 'The American!' I replied; 'there
are several, I believe.'
" 'Oh, of course, to be sure. I mean
the one on board. I saw " George B.
Blank, San Francisco, California, U.
S.," painted on some of the baggage,
and I picked you out right away as the
owner,' and" the stranger inspected me
from head to foot with as vivid a curi
osity as if I'd been a wild man of the
"'Well,' I finally exclaimed, 'lam
an American. What can I do for you?'
" ' Why-er nothing that is no of
fense, I hope, and you are a Califor
nian, too?' he said, "rubbing his hands
as thoiigh he had indeed met a rara
avis. 'Ever scalped by the Indians,
" 'I think not,' I replied.
"'You've scalped some of them,
though, haven't you?' persisted ray in
quisitor. "Concluding that inasmuch as I was
in for being made a side-show of I might
as well imuilge in some of the circus
poster sort of thing, I looked my ques
tioner calmly in the eyes and replied:
'Some twenty-six or seven, I forget
which; I have the tally nicked in the
handle of my other "scalping-kuife; I
carry only one bowie in this country. So
seldom one runs across any fun here,
you know?'
' 'Killed many white men?' asked
the stranger, who appeared to be act
ually quivering with excitement and
" 'Only eight or ten,' I replied, care
lessly. 'You see, in California there is
a sort of eV3e season now for shooting
white men. 'Tain't like the good old-man-for-breakfast
times. A fellow is
only allowed to gun around promiscu
ous like four months in the year. So
it's hard work to keep one's hand in,
don't you sec?'
" 'Well, I declare!' said the apparent
ly stupciied man with the chop whisk
ers; 'how about Chinamen?'
" 'Oh! we kill Chinamen all the year
round, when they're fat,' I explained.
'But, then, there" is lately some sort of
an ordinance making it a misdemeanor
to shoot a pigtail unless he is on the
shad7 side of the street, or gets in your
way. Folks are getting too particular
over there, for a fact.'
" 'Is it really true that all Americans
wear chest protectors and eat notiiiug
but pie?'
"Well., you see, the fact is that
Americans are, as you know, such a
frightfully busy people that they
haven't time to" sit down and cat a
square meal, like you English. They
must have something portable some
thing they can carry about with them
and nibble on the si. 1 teli you. sir, it
looks liko business when you see forty or
fifty men all hanging on to the straps
of a street car with one hand and eating
with the other.'
" I should rather think so,' mur
mured the stranger.
" As for the chest protectors,' I con
tinued, ' they are really noihing more
than pockets suspended arouud the
neck, and large enough to carry a
whole pie, which it keeps warm at the
same time. A good hot mince pie
stowed away in this manner not only
imparts a gentle and grateful warmth
to the entire system, but keeps a whole
day's rations always within reach of the
wearer. Grand idea, isn't it?'
"Well, I'm blessed!' said my fairly
paralyzed interrogator, gazing at my
child-like and ingenuous face with pro
found awe. 'Would er would you
oblige me with one of your cards,' he
saidT I want to show it to my family,
or they'll never believe a word of this
never. Thanks here's mine,' and,
as we had landed, he walked up the
gang-plank and was swallowed up by
the mob of insane French cabmen.
" As I stepped chuckling into my
own compartment I glanced at the card
of the stranger. It read: Julius K. Jud
kins, San Francisco, Cral.'
"I have spent about eight hours a day
looking for that man ever since. There
will be bloodshed ont of this yet mark
my words." San Francisco Post.
The Emperor of China, who is six
teen years old, eats with gold-tipped
chop-sticks of ivory, and sleeps on a
bedstead carved and ornamented with
gold and ivory, which has been used
for two centuries. He studies Chinese
and marches three hours a day, and
spends two hours in archery and riding.
Every one, even his father and mother,
kneels to him on entering his sacred
presence. He is attended by eight
eunuchs, who will not let him overeat
In a base-ball match at Philadel
phia five men were disabled. In a de
bating society in Arkansas four men
were killed and five wounded. What
this country needs is rational ai
meat. Philadelphia Prtt
The Paalshaeat ef a Yens-eat Mur
derer. Apropos of the current discussion of
the abolition of capital punishment,
Vermont had in the last generation a
case which may have some bearings on
this matter, and which was in all re
spects a most remarkable one being,
indeed, almost without a parallel in
the annals of crime. Eugene Clifford,
more than forty years ago, murdered
his wife and child by drowning them in
Fairfield pond. He was a deserter from
the British army, and had gone to Fair
field, a little village of Franklin County,
where he married Mrs. Elizabeth Gil
more, a widow, who owned a small
farm. After a few years of married
life, he became infatuated with another
woman, whom he thought he could
mart' wcro his wife out of the way.
He also thought that he would inherit
tho farm and the other property if ho
survived his wife and child. So, led on
by the tremendous forces of avarice and
lust, he laid his plans to murder them.
He invited his wife one Sunday morn
ing to cross Fairfield pond with him in
a log canoe, and she accepted the invita
tion, taking the child in her arms. In
an hour or two Clifford returned alone,
and notified the neighbors that his
wife, while adjusting a shawl around
the child, had fallen from the boat, and
both had been drowned. The noxt day
the bodies were recovered, but the
shawls, which it was known they had
worn, and which were of considerable
value, could not be found. This
strengthened the suspicion that Clifford
had murdered his wife and child, and
an intense excitement pervaded the
neighborhood. On a given day the
people came together from miles
around, and a thorough search was
made of every foot of the shore of tho
pond, but no trace of the missing
shawls could I e found. And now comes
one of the extraordinary facts of the
enw On tin ninrlit nf tlmt. ilntr a noinrli.
bor, one Mrs. Marvin, dreamed that
she started out to look for the shawls.
She dreamed that she crossed a field in
front of her house, climbed a fence
across which a large hemlock tree had
fallen, walked a few yards on the trunk
of the tree, and thence to a dense
growth of underbrush, near the shore of
the pond, and there, in a shallow hole
in the sand, and partially covered, she
found the shawls. Mrs. Marvin told her
dream to her husband, but he thought
little of it. She, however, persuaded a
neighbor to accompany her, and,
though she had never before been over
the ground, she found everything pre
cisely as in her dream, and discovered
the shawls in the exact place she had
seen in her vision.
With the evidence thus furnished, and
much other of a damaging kind, Clif
ford, on trial, was convicted, and he
was sentenced to be hanged on the ex
piration of one year from his .sentence,
April 21, 1843. in the meantime to be
kept in solitary confinement in the State
Prison at Windsor. As the law then
stood, the Governor's warrant was a
Srercquisite for the execution of a con
emned prisoner, and tbe then Govern
or, from a conscientious motive which
appears somewhat strained, refused to
issue his warrant for Clifford's execu
tion; and the next Governor followed
his predecessor's example. In the
meantime, in his solitary cell, Clifford
'decayed in body and mind, and suffered
both'an intellectual and physical death.
,For a few months, while admitting his
guilt, he claimed that his act was justi
.hable, and he endeavored to get aome
influence from abroad used in his behalf.
At the end of the time originally
set for his execution, he began to
have spasms of insane raving, when
he was so noisy, abusive and violent
that it was found necessary to chain
him. Then he was seized with the no
tion that he was unlawfully and unjust
ly detained, and this idea would lead
Him into fits of violence and insane rage.
Next succeeded a wish to be hung; and
the unhappy man confided to the prison
physician a letter to the Governor, in
which he implored him to order his ex
ecution. He then attempted to starve
himself to death, but the attempt was
frevented by the prison officials. Final
y his mind gave way completely, and
for many months he could not be per
suaded to utter a word, and at length,
after a confinement of almost precisely
four years, death came to his relief.
And an examination of his body showed
the same pathological condition as in
wild animals that die in their cages aft
er a long confinement.
Such is the theory of this most re
markable caso- a story which does not
rest upon mere tradition, but upon au
thentic documents in every detail.
Burlington ( Vt.) Cor. Boston Advertis
er. m
An Honest Adrertisement.
"How de do? Glad to see you. Look
In' ior me, weren't you? I'm Deacon
Doright, the man you're after, I guess.
You, I s'pose, are the real-estate agent
I wrote to for to come an' see the rural
villar I want to rent!"
"Yes. I received your letter; ran
down from the city, inquired my way to
your house, circled all " around
it trying to find the front door
and struck the kitchen after all; was
told you were in the cellar sorting po
tatoes; nearly.broke my neck getting
down there; did not find you; came up;
wandered around until I got to this room,
and here I am all out of breath, but with
a good idea of the numerous and unsur
passed advantages of this villa as a
place of summer residence, xou want
me to write you out a first-class adver
tisement, sure to catch the eye, do you
"That's it; that's it; but see here, no
deception, no trickery; none of your
city ways for me. I'm a plain, honest
man; have been a deacon tor nigh onto
fifteen year, and, although you may be
like the rest on 'em and think 'religion
is religion, but business is business,'
E lease remember that in advertising my
oiue you must tell everything just as
it is. No fine language for what ain't
here; no tricks, no lying."
"But, my dcarsir- "
"Don't arg'e with me, I've been a
fair square man all my life, and I mean
to stay so. Write down everything
just as it is. Put me up a truthful ad
vertisement and see if you don't sleep
the better for it."
"All right; but you are the first man
who ever made such a request. I'll do
my best to please you. Wait one mo
ment." "Through a'ready?"
"Yes; I have obeyed your instruc
tions. This ought to be about the
called Villa. Originally a log cabin, but ad
ditions of stone, brick and wood have beea
soade from time to time until now It looks
like a village after an earthquake. Kltohen
wkere the parlor ought to be; pantry in tbe
drawing-room; cellarway near the front door;
cellar alls with water after every rain: all
we chimneys smoke: well aaa not been
cleaned for a century, aad it takes two mea
to draw up the bucket: scenery, a dead level
cf meadow and malaria: one store two adjs
way and five priees charged for everjrusaf,
WHOLE NO. 733.
still it would be cheaper to trade there tnan
to pay one dollar for railroad fare to the city
every time a paper of pins Is wanted; furni
ture old and inhabited; fruit and shade con
sist of two crab-apple trees which have
stopped bearing.
Oh! my stars, Mr. Agent, vou don't
s' pose any one would apply for such a
house as that, do you? Not that it ain't
pretty nigh correct, but don't you see
that is fmeau why. it is too long; it
will cost too much "to print, don't you
see? We must shorten it. Strike out all
superfluous words. Here now, this is
much shorter and equally true, for it
says nothing what ain't here:
additions of stone, brick and wood; well:
scenory lovel: storu cheap to trade In; 31.25
railroad faro to thu city; furniture old: fruit
and shade.
"There, Mr. Agent, that L much
shorter, and won't cost half so much as
the other way; but wo must tell how
near it is to the city and station, musn't
"Certainly, if you desire. Let me
see. It took me two hours to get here."
"Y-a-s, may be it did; but you came
on rather a slow train, I guess. I
s'pose they will be puttin' on an ex
press before long to stop only ten times
'twixt here and tho city; it's about
timo they did, anyhow. Now, about
how fast can an A 1 express run?"
"Sonio of them go a mile a minuto."
Exactly. Now this station is forty
fivo miles from the city; that" takes
forty-live minutes; put that down.
Now, as to distance from the station."
"It took me half au hour to walk it."
"Very likely; but then you're not
used to walking and the roads are pret
ty bad now. About how fast can a good
walker go, say Rowell, for instance?"
"I really do not know seven or eight
miles in one hour, perhaps, in a good
go-as-you-please race of that dura
tion." "Well, if he can make eight miles in
a race, he can make ten if in a hurry
to catch a train. Ten miles an hour is
a mile iu six minutes; but, although it's
a good mile from here to the station
them are no fences to climb and the
wind gonerally blows in that direction,
so put down 'live minutes to station,'
that's it. Now, as your train will bo
along in half an hour you better be
starting. Try to get $100 a month for
the summer, Imt don't lose a chance to
rent if you have to take $10. Good
bye, and remember, mv friend, that at
all times and under all circumstances
'honesty is the best policy.' " Phila
delphia Evening Call.
Why Old Jasper Was Not Sent to the
"Charged wid habin' two wives, is
I?" asked an old negro of the Magis
trate before whom ne had been ar
raigned. "Yes," replied the Judge. "Are you
guilty or not guilty?"
"VVall, we'll sorter hafter study 'bout
dem facks an' 'vestigate 'em a leetle.
It's owin' ter what sorterman yer Ieabs
it ter whuder ur not I'se 'sidered
"Have you two living wives?"
"What "does yer 'spose I wants wid a
dead wife, Jedge. Doan draw me in
dis cou't-house 'spectin' ter find mo a
fool. Dpan 'sinuate dat de time what I
had spent at a night-school had been
flung away."
Well, old man, if you have two living
wives you have violated the law, and
merit a term in the penitentiary."
"Doan git fracshus an' deinu a man
'fore yer knows all de facks. Some
time ago I married Tildy .cmith, a
mighty likely 'oniau. She was a
good oman, as I tells yer, but one
mawnin' she cu.sed me. I can stan'
anything but bein' cussed. Ef yersef
was ter set up dar an' cuss me, I" doan
keer who yer is, I'd hit ver sho'. Wall,
when de 'oman cussed me, I sorter
slapped her down. Arter dis, she didn't
seem ter lub me Uitc so well, 'case
when I felt bad and wanted ter chunk
her 'roun' fur 'musement, she got outen
my way. Dat wan't no way ter do, but
she was still a good '(.man. One day
shc tuck sick an' sent fur her ?i.ster
'Liza. She kep' er gittin' wits and wus,
an' guntcr tnlk'bout dyiu'. One ebenm'
she called me an' sez, sez she: 'Jasper,
I'se mighty nigh gone, an' can't lib till
mawnin'. I knows dat yer can't git
along widout a good wife, an' jis as
I'se dyin', when I'se jis alive, I wants
ter see yer married. I knows dat yer's
.always lubed sister 'Liza, an' now I
axes yer ter inary her.'. I greed ter dis,
merely to gratify de dyin 'oman. an'
'size dat 'Liza" was a" mighty likely
gal. Wife she kep er gittin' wus, an'
arter a while I sent fur de preacher an'
de license. Da got dar jis as Tildy
seemed ter be drawiu' her la' brcf.
Me an' Liza stood by de bed, an when
Tildy gaped fur de las time de preach
er married me an' 'Liza. Jis as de
ceremony was 'formed, Tildy she
hopped outen de bed an' says: ' Oh,
yes, I'se got yer now. Hit me de udder
day, did yer? Now I'se got yer, an' is
a gwinc ter sen' yer ter de penitentiary
fur habin' two wives.' Dat s de way it
wus, Jedge. an' I'd like ter know" at
dis present writin' whut delaw isgwina
ter do about it?"
" You have violated the law, old
man, and must suffer the conse
quences." "Dat looks mighty hard. It do seem
dat de law ain' t got no re-jpeck fur a
mau's private afl'airs. Stan's aside
an' lets two wini n g"t away wid a
man, an' den, 'stead oil howin' sym-
Siafy, jumps on ter de man. Now,
Fedge, doan yersef believe dat any
two winiin can git away wid one po'
" That's a fact,'" the Judge repliod
"One woman is bad enough, but tw$
ah. Lord! You can go, old man."
Arkanswjo Traveller.
A Boy of the PcrioJ.
A young Austin man recently mar
ried a rich widow, who died shortly
after the ceremony, aud left a bereaved
widower and a large amo int of prop
erty. One day he w:is visit ng at the
house of a friend who had a family of
four little boys, and the widower began
quizzing them.
"Well, George, what are you going
to be when you grow up?" he in
quired. "I guess I'll be a poet," anweredtho
little fellow.
"And what are you going to trv and
do, Willie?"
"I'm going to be an artist."
'An artist, eh! and do vou
think you will adopt as a profession,
"Pa says he's going to make a min
ister out of me' F
"That's good, very good. Now,
Frankie, let me hear what you intend
to be?"
"I'm going in for money."
"Going into a money-making busi
ness. Well, what is it?f'
"I'm going to be a rich widower, I
mm." Texas Sitings.
A lucky Miliord (Conn.) man re
cently found fifty dollars in gold which
he lost in his well twenty-two years ago.
Oscar Wilde has discarded knee
breeches and taken to the prosaic
Jesse Grant, the youngest of tho
Grant family, is engaged in tho banking
business in'New York. Although only
twentv-five years old, he is said to be
worth" $400,000. N. Y. Sun.
Miss Gabrielle Greeley will occupy
the old Greeley homestead at Chappaqua
during the coming season. She is still
a lovely girl, exceedingly retired, and
has, it is said, refused many ambitious
suitors for her hand. N. Y. Times.
John Jay Cisco, who died in New
York recently, began life a poor boy,"
became a tailor, entered the dry goods
business, and subsequently made large
sums of money as a banker. He was
one among the many millionaires of
Manhattan Island. N. Y. News.
George Pen Johnson, the editor
who died in San Francisco a few days
ago, directed in his will that his body
be burned to ashes in a furnace. Mr.
Johnston was a man of mark in tho
Blitics of California in tho days of
roderick. Chicago Inter Ocean.
One of tbe curiosities in the United
States Supreme. Court room is the mam
moth bundle of papers referring to the
case of Mrs. Myra Clark Gaines. A
five dollar bill may be had by any one
who can lift this package and" put it on
bus back. Many have mado the at
tempt, but failure has been universal.
If ashmaton Post.
Nine years ago James Lobdell was
supposed to have been burned to death
in his baru at Oxford. N. Y. Boues re
sembling thoso of a human body were
found aud a funeral ceremony was held.
lie recently returned to Oxford, saying
he had wandered all over the union,
and had never once communicated
with his friends. Iroy Times.
Kov. George W. James, of Reno,
Nov., can recito tho whole of Southey's
"Cataract of Lodore," forward and
backward, give tho number of any lino
quoted, or recite it by ivlternate lines.
It is regarded as tho most difficult poem
iu tho English language to commit to
memory or recite, but he claims to have
mastered it in less than two hours.
Chicago Herald.
Miss Mary Ewing, of Dayton.. O.,
met Mr. Samuel Messieh, a rich farmer
of Fisherville, near Louisville, last win
ter, while visiting friends in the little
hamlet. Recently she met Mr. Messieh
on the streets of Louisville, and when
Mr. Messieh proposed immediate mar
riage she assented. In eighteen minutes
from the time they met upou tho street
they left the Mayor's ollice bone of one
bone and flesh of one lies!. Detroit
Asenasse, an old chief of the Iro
quois, at a pow-wow ot his trioe the
other day in Cauada, denounced educa
tion as the greatest curse that had fallen
upou the tribe. One charge that he
made against education was that it
inad rogues of its victims; and he has
been kuown to remonstrate with a fel
low chief for sending his son to a Mon
treal college, because tho lad would no
longer be an Indian. Chicago Tribune.
It is all folly to say that love is
blind. A fellow in love is very quick
to detect if his girl smiles at another
chap. Philadelphia Chronicle-Herald.
"It Is strange how sensitive some
people are concerning the size of their
feet. We understand that there is a duel
now pending between two Arkansas
editors simply because one of them al
luded to the other as a "big-soled
man." A'. Y. Graphic.
"Why do you mutter in that way
when you read ?" asked a man of an
old negro who Hat mumbling over a
newspaper. "How ought I to read,
sah?" "Why, read without moving
your lips." " "What good would dat
sorter readin' do me, for I couldn't
heah it ? When I reads I wanster read
so I can heah what I'se readin' 'bout."
Arkansaw Traveller.
Dr. Woodbridge says that in the
case of a bite of a venomous serpent or
insect, one of the first things to bo re
sorted to is to suck the wound with tho
lips. This is certainly a very simple
remedy, and when a man is bitten in
the back of the neck by a poisonous in
sect he should apply it immediately.
He may twist his head entirely off in the
effort to follow the prescription, but
this is a minor consideration. Nor
rislowri Herald.
"I am on ray wedding tower," said
a countryman entering a Chestnut dry
goods store, "and my wife is waitin' for
me outside. I want to buy some socks
for myself, and slice is too bashful to
come "in." "All right sir," responded
the clerk, "I will be glad to show you
our half hose." "Well, you see," went
on the countryman, "a weddin' tower
doesn't occur only about once in a man's
lifetime, you know, and I dou't believe
in scrimpin' on such an occasion. So
you needn't show me any half hose. Let
mc look at your whole hose. Phila
delphia Call.
A little girl went away with her
mother for a week's visit in the country.
When they returned she looked up and
down the streets and at all the houses,
said: "Why the town ain't red, is it?"
'Of course not, Fannie, why do you ask
' that question?" "Because, Mamma,
just before we started away I heard Papa
tell Mr. Tompkins that he was going to
paint the town red while you were iu the
country. I guess he must have been
busy and didn't have time to do it.
Don't you suppose so, Mamma."
"Yes, dear, I do." Then there was a
long silence. Merchant Traveller.
A Yankee ridiug in a railway car
riage was disposed to astonish the other
passengers with tough stories. At last
he mentioned that one of his neighbors
owned au immense dairy, anil made a
million pounds of butter and million
pounds of cheese yearly. The Yankee
seeing that his veracity was in danger of
being questioned, appealed to a friend,
"True, isn't it. Mister? I speak of
Deacon Browne." "Ye-e-s," replied
the friend, "that is I know Deacon
Browne, though I don't know as I ever
heard precisely how many pound of
cheese and butter he makes a year; but
I know he has twelve saw-mills that all
go by buttermilk." New York Ledger.
Making it Up.
Western Railroad President "I tell
you, sir, it is ruinous. I can't reduce
fares between those points from four
teen dollars and fifty cents to five dol
lars. You must be "crazy."
Superintendent "It must be done,
sir, or the new B. X. W. & Z. line will
get part of our traflic."
"But it costs more than that to carry
"Oh ! I have all that fixed ; we will
make it all up ever' trip."
"In what way ?"
"My idea is to run nothing but palace
"And then, before reaching the end
of the road, you and I, disguised as two
of the James gang, will board the
"Capital idea : but that would only
work for awhile. The passengers
would complain and the authorities
would get after us."
"OhT but we won't toueh the pas- -sengers."
Not ?"
"No ; we will just rob the porter.
California Call.
New Haven, Conn., reports the dis
covery of a new value in printer's ink.
It is an excellent vermifuge, and will
protect shads trees from the ravage of