v
t 4
NO SEAT NO NICKEL
A Humorous Fourth of July Story by
Rosa C Elchorn
Copyright 1000 ty R a Elchorn 1
IIE Fourth wns
tlio liottoHt day
on record mid
t he enr whb
crowded He
wiih fat and per
spiring ntid ap
peared thorough
ly enraged as ho
struggled with
the strap over
head
Fares pleasel Fare slrl
What for
i What for
Yes what for
Why for riding sir
When I get a Beat Ill pay my fare
not before
Sorry Blr but Ive got to hare a
fore or you get off
Then youll put rae off Id like to
ece you do It
Thems the rules Blr
Dont the fare entitle a man to a
seat or does the company advertlMe
standing room only queried the puff
ing old gentleman
I dont know nothing bout that but
I do know what my order is sir and
Im here to do my duty
At this stage every passenger wns
eagerly Intent on the Impending strife
Well you tend to your business and
Ill tend to mine Get me a seat my
man and youll have your nickel The
tempestuous subject smiled broadly
and continued addressing no one in
particular Ill be Mowed If I dont
get a seat the company will have to
ride me free Seems to me this Is as
good a day as any to assert the right
of the public On the glorious Fourth
over a century ago our forefathers vot
ed no representation no taxation and
I move no seat no nickel Ive ridden
over this line twice a day for the past
four years and Ive paid my nickel
every time and yet Ill wager I havent
had a seat once out of ten rides Its
an outrage Ill make a test case of
this just for the principle of the thing
Standing seems to agree with him
O K Only one person knew where
that voice had emanated from but It
sounded from the corner Every one
strained to see for himself
Rubber It was but a whisper
Sheepishly the curious ones settled
back Into their original positions The
old gentleman smiled and persisted
Im just waiting to be put off then
Ill sue the company Ierhaps I wont
get back some of those nickels theyve
WHAT BTIiKETf
Inveigled out of rae 1 never knew my
rights before Hut they dont Impose
on me again
The blurry eyed conductor took In
the situation and retired to his plat
form muttering
Ill give you one more chance If
you dont pay then Ill have to do my
duty
The man of principles Btared out
tot the window anxiously
What etreet Twenty eighth Stop
the car
The conductor thought he was get
ting off easy
Got a champagne dinner here Bet
a man of my size can ride ten blocks
without paying for It He chuckled
as he deliberately waited for the car to
stop Placing his foot firmly on the
street crossing he added Thanks
awfully Wish you were with me old
man Sorry to have troubled you but
boyB will be boy
The conductor pulled the strap An
other beat he growled The passen
gers settled back all but one street
arab who had been an unsuspected on
looker from his position on the rear
bumper Swinging himself from the
platform with one foot on the step he
looked frankly Into the red face of the
conductor and shouted
Bay boss thats the nickel that
didnt
i lie ecraped Tb car bowled
A WARTIME FOURTH
LIVELY REMINISCENCES OF AN AR
KANSAS VETERAN
DfiyllKht Atinrk cm the 3nrrlnn hi
llrlrnn Dcapcrntt Clmxtri K Diulrr
Onnluint Klro Irrl nf Jp Slicl
bra Trooper Suvluir the Jnni
The warmest Fourth of my experi
ence said one of Fop Prices original
band to a crowd of panting Idlers on
the deck of n Mississippi steamer was
not due to solar heat but to exploding
gunpowder and things like that It was
right In this little town we are coming
to now Helenn on the Arknnsas shore
1 wns an olllcer In Fagans Arkan
fias brigade and 1 never enjoyed a pic
nic beforchnnd In my life as I did the
stealthy 100 mile mnrch we made from
Little Hock to give the Yankees In
K1FTYI ONLY FIKTYl
ena a surprise party the 4th of July
1803 You see we hud lain idle all
summer In Arkansas while Grant clos
ed the coll around our people In Vlcks
burg One day our leader telegraphed
army headquarters I can take Helena
Please let me attack The answer
was Go ahead Now If we took Hel
ena Grant would simply have to call
off his hunt at VIcksburg and turn It
on us for once in Helena we could
break Yankee navigation on this river
and starve the enemy out at VIcksburg
It was a rich prospect for we outnum
bered the Helena garrison two to one
The Yankee gunboat Tyler guarded
the river front and an unbroken chain
of forts and trenches covered the city
on the land side The enemy had 1000
men In Helena and plenty of guns Our
columns were divided Into three storm
ing parties to rush the batteries and In
trenchments In our path There were
six roads Into the town and the defend
ers were forced to watch them all Our
brigade opened the ball and soon after
daylight we had carried four lines of
ti enches Hut there was no attack at
any other point ns yet The day was
frightfully hot mid attention to busi
ness made It hotter
The guns on Graveyard hill poured
shots Into us for a time then that hill
was captured and we took the fifth
line of trenches and dashed for Fort
Curtis on our front Then the gun
boat Tyler opened uniting Its fire with
that of the fort and our brigade was
about destroyed The wny of retreat
was swept by this combined fire and
I made my wny to the left where Mar
madukes cavalry was coming In on
the flank I fell In with Shelbys bri
gade which was moving to attack Yan
kee Battery A As usual Shelby went
In with n rush followed by Collins
flying battery Fort Curtis and tho
Tyler nB well as a masked field bat
tery received the troopers In line shape
and Anally the Yankee Infantry made
a countercharge
Shelby was wounded and the slaugh
ter around Collins guns was awful
His horses were all shot down and
Shelby called for volunteers to get the
guns out through that withering fire
Hundreds of troopers rallied at the
cry The battery Is lost Shelby sold
Fifty Only 60 Bring the battery
along or fall with It Collins and his
lieutenants were still fighting bravely
but hopelessly The dead horses were
cut away ropes were attached to the
guns and the men dragged them
through that fire back to the Hues
Only 15 of that 50 volunteers got out
unhurt and 20 staid where they fell
We were repulsed at all points and felt
like the poor fellows who toy with
things they dont kuow arc loaded
Helena was loaded to the muzzle for
us and that wusnt the worst of It
Grants men were nlready In VlckB
burg so had we taken the place we
couldnt have held It Our valor wai
wasted and all we had to 6how was a
thunderlug big list of Fourth of July
casualties iAny old Fourth teems1 cool
to me now wheiiI think of that day at
Helena
THE NORFOLK NKWS FRIDAY JUNK 28 IflOl
ill Here trturn turri III J
1 J 01 the rolllikindruni J J
IThat we heard in Ihc heat o Inglorious fight N Tp
11 IK And the Burnt Burnt Bum Bum Burnt S uj gjfjj
4 J Of the Deep Toned Big Bass Drum tin- i
1 3 r ft ft Theres the fiM liMce J if
01 the fifer that we
pH Would a followed to death in the black o the nigt i
5 H Theres the cavalry dnshin s
The infantry flnshln ts9
f C And batteries crashln
J With all o their might f
ST But Buml Buml Bum Bum Buml
When you wheel Into column
Theres nothin so solemn Eca
11
T
r
msx
iji
Fv V-
the Fourth of July
As Buml Buml Bum Bum Burnt
And it steadies your feet and it scatters your fears
For you cant run nwny with the sound in your en rat
Buml Buml Bum Bum Bum
Deep Bold Big Bass Dnim
Theres
On the Fourth 0 July
RED DOGS FOURTH
A Joker Mixed the Mayor and the
Town Had a Close Shave
Copyright JOOO by A B
1
HE
JJ3SW
izrx
Lewie
citizens of
Bed Dog were
dumfouiided one
day the latter
part of June
when an order
was Issued by
tho newly elect
ed mayor strlct
1 y prohibiting
any celebrating
lu tho town on
Ho even went bo
far as to bar firecrackers nnd threaten
ed to lock up the first Individual caught
bulldlug n bonfire or shooting a rocket
An indignation meeting was at once
called and the result was that a com
mittee of the leading citizens inarched
over to the mayors office with a re
quest that he cancel the order
Thnt order stands boys was the
officials blunt reply Im agln any
elch nonsense
But were n feelin mighty patriotic
this ynr protested one of the commit
tee and nr Jest achln to do a leetle
celebratln
Ill hev to Jail the fust cuss who
goes agln my order said the mayor nB
he looked about threateningly
But cant we do a leetle poppln nnd
a leetle whoopln fur freedom an
other of the committee wanted to
know
Not while Im mayor of this town
But ye dont mind If we shoot off
that old cannon over by the town hall
Ject fur the sake of the battle of Lex
ington do ye
I sartlnly do Ye read my order
But Mayor Powell ex
claimed one of the committee Indig
nantly wjint In thunder alls ye any
how We alius begins whhoplu fur In
dependence freedom George Washing
ton nnd good whisky at 3 oclock In the
morning yere every Fourth of July
wd Im hanged If 1 kin p wly we
WILLIS B HAWKINS
-
mm
fe
- TT
n s 53
ifs r i
Iheagle bird cry rz
1 V i
And the old Declaration thats evryWhere read
With its Bum Bum Bum Bum Buml
Of the Deep Toned Words That Come
Theres the
Of the orator we
Could applaud without liearin a word that he sn
And with rockets a sizzin
And crackers n fizzin
And evrything whizzin
Youre duckin your head
But Bum Bum Bum Bum Buml
When the words come a tollin
Theres melody rollin
In Burnt Bum Bum Bum Buml
And It steadies the heart 0 the Nation that hears
For you cant be a knave with the sound in your ears
Burnt Buml Bum Bum Buml
Deep Bold Words That Come
m
1 TJS 3Eifc
shouldnt keep right on a doln ho Ths
public demands It
Wnal Id like to obleege ye all an
swered the mayor in conciliatory tones
but Its dead ngln my principles to al
low anything of the kind I never both
ered to 1nrn much about history but
a book agent come along last week and
told me some facts that put me dead
ugln celebrations
But ye ought to be satisfied the way
our forefathers fit Ye couldnt kick at
the way they chawed up the British at
Lexington and other places could ye
N o sartlnly not
What seeniH to bother ye then
mayor
Wnal It was the beglnnln of the
hull thing thatB riled me
How do yo mean nsked the citi
zen wko had been doing most of the
talking As I remember It the throw
I11 overboard of the tea In Boston har
bor etarted the fuss Wasnt thnt the
proper thing fur us to do
Throwln overboard of tea nsked
the mayor In astonishment Ye dont
mean to go nnd contend that It was tea
they throwed overboard
They one nud all assured him that
Buch was tue case and they went to
history to prove It After a long si
lence and some deep thinking on the
part of the mayor he suddenly ex
claimed
Why of course it was tea of course
It was and that durued book agent
was strlugln me all the time The
blamed coyote told me It was whisky
nnd stuff at that that our
forefathers throwed overboard and I
flggcred tlint if they was slch fools as
that we hndnt orter to do any shoutln
fur em Whoop Everybody give three
cheers fur George Washington und
then foller me over to the Dewey ua
loon and If I kin find a critter that
aint a hollerln on the Fourth Ill clap
him In Jail or run hlin out of Bed Dog
A B Lewis
Postofflce nervants in Ioudon are re
quired to rejort to their mperlor office
any caHe of scarlet fever smallpox ty
phus fever cholera diphtheria uieublva
r typhoid fever wcurrlug lu their home
THEDAY IN HISTORY
SOME NOTABLE EVENTS OF THE
FOURTH Or JULY
WimliltiMton Dint lid If Tlic llrll
IkIi IImk IomimCiI to Ik Irrncli
llllltll of Tlire IrtNltWtllM llrlcf
Niilr Prom tin ItoMiril of Coiihtimh
It umh a HitlotiH stroke of fortune
that led to the humiliation of the Hilt
Ihh imiiH on July -I I7M with Colonel
George Washington In eominaiul of the
111 starred expedition Although a boy
lu yen tm Washington had discovered
and reported to the governor of the col
01 1 v of Vlrgnlu the plans and prepura
tlons of the Ireiuli for the hduio
of strategic portions south of tho
lakes lli helped to raise troops to
check the French and through the
death of the colonel appointed to lead
them nroNe to the chief cninuinud
Meanwhile the 1 til t lull post on the site
of Pittsburg had fallen Into tho hands
of the French and the young colonial
loyalist set out with 150 men to retake
It Palling to unite with a force ap
pointed to meet IiIh on the Monougahe
lu he built an liitreiichincnt and called
It Fort Necessity This was
AIUMH JKITKIIHON
iQCvi r fhvKfrrNv Pl 1 Tjw
ed and he sal
lied out on Juno
Si and fired the
first gun of tho
French nud In
dian war open
lug a eon ft let
which under a
variety of pre
texts and on dlf
ferent fields
lasted CO years
Hut on July -1 lie
was closely be
sieged by vastly
WONIIOl
superior numbers
Fortunately a fierce storm of thunder
and lightning raged for hours and pre
vented the French from attacking At
nightfall Washington capitulated and
marched forth with the honors of war
Just 121 years after the contretemps
In the wilderness the of July dawn
ed under brighter auspices for Virgin
las favorite son That dny 177fi Gen
eral George Washington Issued his first
order to the colonial army at Cam
bridge There was 110 union then and
little cohesion among the colonies and
he anticipated the great event of July
1 7i by asking that in the army all
distinction of colonies lie laid aside
Two years later In Ills camp at Morris
town lie Inaugiiinteil the celebration
by the army of the anniversary of the
Declaration of Independence
There Is a gap In the chronology of
Important events in our annals which
occurred July -I extending from 1771
to 1801 Nathaniel Hawthorne was
born at Salem Mass July 1H0I
1
Three great presidents Jefferson Ad-
aniH and Monroe and the most bill-
limit orator of the eia when the results
1 of he war were harvested by wise
counsels Fisher Ames of
1 setts passed away on anniversaries of
I the nations birth
I Jefferson and Adams two of tho
founders of liberty In the new world
died the same day July 1 18121 These
two patriots Jefferson of Virginia and
Adams of Massachusetts had been the
most conspicuous in the throng of de
termined men on July 4 1770 when
the burning words of Patrick Henry
Liberty or oeath became the watch
1 word of the colonists In congress as-
hembled Ames died July 4 1808
j James Monroe founder of the doc-
trine that foreign Interference with
I American republics will not be tolerat
ed died July 4 1831
There was a scurrying among dele
gates to be In their places early on July
4 1771 when the vote was taken on
the Declaration Ciesar Rodney rode
j 60 miles lu saddle to place Delawnro
on record The Jourunl of the proceed
ings of congress contains the following
1 simple announcement of the historj
mnklng event
Agreenbly to the order of the dny
the congress resolved Itself Into n com-
I mlttee of the whole to tnke Into their
further consideration the Declaration
nnd nfter some time the president re
Bumed the chair and Mr Harrison re
ported that the committee have agreed
to a declaration which they desired to
have him report The Declaration be
ing rend was agreed Jo
The result of the vole was announced
to the assembly at 2 oclock In the aft
ernoon
Changed by Clrrnnmtanrri
Wheres your watch asked tb
observant man
Why here It Is replied the man
whose prosperity had slipped a cog or
two recently
But thats a silver one Tho one
you UBed to carry hnd n handsome gold
case
Well or circumstances niter cases
you kuow Philadelphia Press
Enlliihtenrd
Professor Im gruteful for my sens
of huinor Thank heaven I can al
ways see a joke
Miss Flavllla Oh professor the
sense of humor Is not ability to see a
joke The sense of humor is ability
H take t Joke ludlunapolls Journal
THEMALLEABLE
p 1 1 1 1 j 1
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Gj
Mifliiiimr
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Vrarrtt i
FINE ALL YOLTH n n T
ktfm ABLE
WITH POUCH FEED
I er Milr nt
ALBERT DEGNERS
Dr Humphreys
HievlllcH cure by acting directly npon
Dm diHcmio without uxcitinj dlnordor in
nny other part of tho system
riniim raicitfl
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j of Chicago ahk your lm nl tickf t nKont to
route you between Omahn and ChicaKO
via tlio
i
ruirT
WILWAUKEEIl
jtpauI
ii
the hhortest line between tho two cities
Tiains via thin popular road depart from
tho Union depot Omaha daily con
uectiiiK witii trains from the west
Magnificently inipped trains paluco
seepers and free rtclininj chair cars
Dining cars nnd bullet library and
mn old ijk curs All trains lighted by
electricity For fnll information about
rates etc address
A Nash
jeueral Western Agent
H V Howkil 1504 Furuam St
Tniv Frt Pass Agt Omaha
OMAHA
TO
The
Direct
Hoate
FROM
Kansas City St Louis
AND
THE FAMOUS HOT SPRINGS
OF ARKANSAS
and all Points South and Southeast
Fast Time and Superior Through Ser
vice Kecliniug Ohair Oars seats free
Pullman Bnffet Sleeping Cars
For pamphlets and full information
pertaining to above territory call on or
write
J 0 IlIILLIPPI W C HAIiNEB
A OK and P A TPA
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