LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HUMORISTS.
Pleasant Incidents Occurring the
World Over-Say injfs that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Young Funny Selec
tions that You Will Enjoy.
"Henry , " whispered the bride of two
hours , "you don't regret marrying me ,
even yet ? "
"No , darling , " replied Henry. "Not
even yet ! "
The train sped on , and she was hap
py for another five minutes.
A Little Ruse.
Mrs. Wltherly I bought this rug for
the baby to play on.
Witherly Well , don't let her know it.
Doing His Share.
Angry Father Young man , you are
sitting up too late with my daugh
ter. Last night I heard you kissing
her.
CaperlonWell , sir , some one has
got to.
No Titles.
Willie Wintennan And so you won't
marry me ?
Mamie Montana Why , how perfect
ly ridiculous you are , Willie. Why ,
you're nothing but an American.
Why Jt Tasted Bitter.
A physician had occasion to prescribe
quinine to a patient , an elderly lady
who was not used to modern ways of
administering med'icine. The quinine
was ordered in capsules twelve , each
containing four grains. About a "week
*
later lhedoctor was called to attend a
daughter of the old lady , and he no
ticed what he supposed were the qui
nine capsules be had prescribed. Turn
ing to the mother , he asked why she
had not taken the medicine.
"Sure , doctor , do you mean that bit
ter powder ? Yes , I took it , but had
.hard work getting it out of those little
glass things Itwas put up in. " Phila
delphia Ledger.
Pressed.
"Why , how rumpled your shirt waist
is , Editn ! "
"Dear me ! and it has only just been
pressed , too. "
Edith was quite as self-possessed as
ever. But St. John colored deeply.
She Knew Him.
lie When did you begin to suspect
I was in love Avith you ?
She The day you told me I could
have anything I wanted on the bill of
fare.
Important to YOIIOK Men.
A girl would rather have a half
pound of 40-cent cand3 * in a fancy box
with a red ribbon round It than a
pound of SO-cent candy in a paper bag.
Somervillc Journal.
A Common Affliction.
"How's he fixed ? "
"Oh , he has the usual strawberry ap
petite and prune income. " Puck.
Would Fix It.
I
Miss Matilda Your company is dis
tasteful to me.
Corporal Pinhead Then I'll resign
frprn it I don't like being a soldier ,
anyway.
Servants.
* FIrst Housewife Some days I undo
about everything the sarvant does.
Second Housewife Gracious ! How
do you dare ?
Behind the Scenes.
Sweet Singer The tragedian says in
coming through the Hookies on a train
last wiuter he couldn't see out of the
windows.
Soubrette Terrible snowstorm , 1
guess.
Sweet Singer Box car , more likely.
* End in Sight.
Count Vacuin Ah , eet seems zat ze
rich American girls are getting scarcer
and scarcer for us.
Count Dodo Yes , monsieur , all ze
'get-rich-quick' concerns are receiving
hard blows in America.
Time to Hnn.
Sandy Why are yer running so fast ,
pard ?
Cinders Dere's a lynchin' mob be
hind me.
Sandy Dey don't want to lynch yer ,
do dey ?
CInders-rNo , but dey want dls
clothes-line I'm weaAn as suspenders
fer de rope.
Scheme That Failed.
"Say , " exclaimed the man in a
hoarse whisper , as he met his wife at
the depot , "didn't I telegraph you not
to bring your mother ? "
"Yes , " answered she , "but she open
ed the message and Insisted on coming"
along to investigate. " Chicago Daily
News.
A Chanjre of Opinion.
"So thej' named a cigar after you ? '
"Yes , " answered the sporting man ,
in a dubious tone.
"Quite a compliment. "
"I thought so till I smoked one of
the cigars. Then I concluded it was a
libel. "
Feminine Charity.
He Miss Elderleigh certainly has a
very expressive face.
She Yes , indeed. It's the very best
money can buy.
One of Manj.
llubberton Did Jones die without n
will ?
Dr. Quackem No , indeed. He died
very much against his will. .
Terrible to Contemplate.
LaMontt I see some one has invent
ed a projectile in the shape of a cigai
that will annihilate an army.
LaMoyne You don't say ! I bet if
they made it in the shape of a racing
automobile it would kill twice aa
many.
Quite Another Master.
"Before I give you my answer , " said
the fluffy-haired summer girl , "Iwould
like to know if you are in a positioij
to keep me in the style to which I havd
always been accustomed. "
"If the styles don't change too often
I am , " replied the wise youth. "Other
wise the odds are in favor of my going
broke. "
A Severe Test.
Her Father ( protestingly ) You wish
to marry my daughter , eh ? Why , shq
has only just graduated !
Suitor ( magnanimously ) I know it !
And yet I love her ! Puck.
A Comparison.
Stout Man Hullo ! You look as h
you had been riding on a oarrel.
Bow-Legged Man You look as if yeti
had swallowed one.
He Was a .Rude Man.
"John , " said the young' wife who
prides herself on being sensible right
up to the limit , "just notice how easy'
fitting my new shoes are. "
"Yes , I see , " answered John ,
"And John , " sbe continued , "do you
know why I always get my shoes s
large ? "
"Oh , " replied the ungallant othei
half of the sketch , "I suppose it's be
cause you have such big feet"
Her Only Comment.
"Nevertheless , my dear , " said tht ,
masculine portion of the combinej
"there are a number of men in tha
world who are my mental inferiors. "
"John , " rejoined the wife of hii
bosom as she looked him square in thi
eye , "you were always a confirmed
cynic. "
Ont at First.
"Sir. " began the young man , "I camt
to ask your daughter's hand in mar
riage. I feel that I am not -worthy ol
her , l > Ht "
" " the stern
"Young man , interrupted
parent , "I fully agree with you on thai
point , and there Is nothing further tc
be said on the subject. Good-evening ;
sir. "
Expensive Luxuries.
Vera Hitone Will you keep you }
promise and resign from your club just
as soon as I become your wife ?
Gal U. Mette I'll nave to. Couldn't
afford both , you know.
All Scraps.
Pete Dey tell me dat bully was al
ways coming around here looking toi
scraps. Did yo' accommodate him ? I
Sam Should say so. Ah hit him
wid a bowl ob hash.
The Next Best Thing.
"Polehunter talks about making an
Arctic trip in an automobile. "
"Why , he couldn't reach the pole
that way. " |
"No , but he could come back
tell how he didn't. "
Hot Draft.
Mahoole Ain't yez th * wan thai
towld me niver to dhrink "wather wid >
out boiliu' ?
Physician Yes , sir.
Mahoole Thin Oi hov a molnd t
rnurther ye. Oi dhrank boiled wathei
awn almost burned me mouth off.
LIKES THE ARMY LASSES.
Millionaire UTannfacturer Says Thej
Are Hii Mascots.
"Here , miss , take this money ! Foi
the love of hea-ven , don't go away
without taking this money. "
So yelled J. G. S. Johnstone , a Min
neapolis manufacturer , as he ran
through the corridor of the Auditor
ium.
"Have you seen her ? " he demanded ,
as he rushed to the desk and accosted
Clerk Shafer.
"Who ? " inquired the latter.
"Why , the Salvation Army miss that
Just passed through. "
"Went over to the Annex , " answered
the clerk and the Minneapolis man ran
through the tunnel.
"Have you seen her ? " he queried of
the first bellboy he met.
"Who ? " inquired the bellboy in
amazement.
"The Salvation Army lass that col
lects money. "
"Just gone up the street. " answered
r.he latter , and the man from Minne
apolis might have been seen chasing
cp the avenue -minute later.
He caught her just as she reached
Jtukson boulevard.
"Here , take this dollar , " he haid as
lie pushed a bill into her hand. "I
don't know Avhat I would ha\e done
If I hadn't caught you , " and tlien he
returned to the hotel.
"I'd been a pauper in twenty-four
tiours if I hadn't given that girl some
money , " he explained to the people
> vho had watched the chase. "They're
uiy mascots , those Salvation Army
asses. I know that I would have been
hoodooed If I hadn't caught her. I'd
a been broke sure. "
He was silent a long time. "Haven't
seen one in ten years without giving
her money. "
"Superstitious ? " inquired one of his
friends.
"Call it that if you want to , but it's
a conviction with me. I was sitting
right here about ten years ago when
one of them tapped me on the shoul-
Jer and asked me for a contribution.
Had a dime in my pocket ; no more ,
and no job. Hungry and room rent
staring me in the face. Wondering
what I would do with that dime.
Didn't see why I shouldn't as well be
broke as have a dime , so I turned i
over to her.
"That left me without a cent. The
Lord won't forget , " she said.
" 'Neither will I. ' 1 answered , only
I meant that I wouldn't forget that I
was broke. A man had just turned me
down for a job. Turned me down cold
I was worrying , but I had time td
watch that girl. I saw her strike thir
teen men without getting a cent , ant
I saw the fourteenth man give her Jl
There was a lesson for me. I got ur
mid tried that same man again. I had
*
resolved to try him fourteen times , if
necessary. But it wasn't. He gave
me a job because he liked my nerve
and I want to tell you that I hava
been mighty prosperous ever since. "
"Almost a millionaire now , ain'O
you ? "
"Well , close onto it , and all because
that girl happened to strike me that
afternoon. And since then no Salvation
*
tion Army girl has ever gone away
without money when 1 was in thd
aeighborhood.
"Hereafter I won't go to sleep when
I'm in this neck of the woods , " ho
continued. "That girl came near get
ting away from me. If I hadn't cought
lier I know that I would have a tele
gram telling me that my factory had
been struck by lightning. Well , fare-
you-well , " he said , as he walked away.
"But , say , any time that you see
> ne of those girls give her something ,
was the final injunction. "Best' investment -
vestment you ever made. " Chicago
Chronicle.
lload Across the Desert.
Work is now in progress in southern
California upon a boulevard intended
: o pass through the Colorado desert in
i straight line from the projected town
) f Rockweed to Oalexico , on the Mexi
can border. It will be 100 feet wide
ind thirty-five miles long. Along
jither side of the boulevard and down
; he center will be rows of trees to
; hut off the glare of the desert sun.
ilso on either side will be small can
ils , which will not only Irrigate the
; hade trees , but also will be utilized
: o lay the dust when the road Is com
peted. It will require only two men
o care for the entire thirty-five miles.
The rapid growth of trees in th <
lesert country will insure a rnagiiili-
rent avenue in a very short time. A1
: he international line li-uioiith-old wil-
ows are growing cu the banks of tin
mperial canal seven inches In diame
; er and thirty feet high. The boule
vard will give access to the towns
> f Rockweed , Brawley , Imperial , Skills-
> ee , Calexico , Mexicala , Mexicula and
nany new villages.
The FJy "Was Particular.
A certain spinster in Indianapolis ,
jays the Journal of that city , who has
ived alone in her beautiful and state-
y home for many years , is one of the
iity's most notable housewives. No
childish fingers have ever marred ths
jrillianee of her mirrors and windows
) r played havoc with the handsome
aronzes and vases in the dainty cared
.or ' dining room. At the home of hei
Brother , where seven children romj
"rom morning until night , as may be
magined , the same exquisite perfec-
ion of housekeeping is impossible
Dne day her small niece returned
aoine after a tea party at auntie's , and
n an awed voice said : "Mama , I saw
i fly in Aunt Maria's house , bu1
thoughtfully ) It was washing itself ! "
The small boy always wonders if nil
nether will ever get over being sur
> rised at tbe things he does.
TALK ON POLL SKIfiT.
LOOK ABOUT BEFORE MAKING A
SELECTION.
Radical Expression of This Fashion
la Beinc Very Generally Modified ,
aa the Extreme Suits bnt Few Fijj-
nroB * Modes from Gotham.
New York correspondence :
IEFORE settling on
Ijast what form of
full skirt you are
going to have , it is
well worth while to
take a good look
about. Already the
early radical ex
pressions of this
fashion are being
modified in the in
terest of the many
women they did not
become. And there
are indications of
further changes to
follow. You see , the
ne\v style of skirt
as first advanced
w a s becoming to
very few , so after
these -women had endorsed it , its prog
ress was checked. Then , to draw other
vromen into it , various changes were ef
fected in it. Reduction of the fullness
to the point that it d'd not Increase the
size of the hips appreciably , nnd aban
donment of the row on row of horizon-
STANDING FOR LESSENED TRIMMING.
tnl trimmings were early steps. By such
processes is the new style becoming suit
ed to Che women who reveled in tight
skirts , and who , unless such concessions
hnd been forthcoming , surely would have
arisen in their might and established
some radically different style. A result
of these processes of compromise is that
the full skirt has come to stay. So in
: onr trips about the shops you , 'who are
plump or short , donft try to get on alto
gether -nithout it , but rather seek some
modification that is becoming. Such are
obtainable.
It hardly need be stated that the more
radical forms of full skirt are poorly
TWO FROM A LARGE AND VARIED LOT.
suited , the average figure being consider
ed , to the heavy fabrics whose surface is
this eason characterized by roughness.
Verj tall or slender wo nen may wear
AeiB safely , but softer , thinner woolens
ire { ! ar better for others. Indeed , so
striking are zibellines and many like
A-e.'ives , that the average woman's ward
robe hardly has place for them , except
they come in coat or walking suit. Their
stylishness is BO great that it's well to
belp on the general Ehofdnj ; , but a dressy
? own of such materials la likely to be so
listiuctive that it won't bear many wear-
ags well. Such dresses , o course , are
mly suitable for those whose supply is
10 large that they don't need to wear
uiy one gown steadiiy. Cloths , both
ough and smooth , are not so profusely
criuimed ns they weie a year ago , though
; he trimming counts much in the gown's
general effect , and though it be small in
imount , is distributed artfully. This is
written of model dresses ; the average
product may not achieve much of artful-
ness , but with good designs tot for copy
ing , fine results ought to be obtained.
Three such models appear In the first
two of the accompanying pictures. The
first was brown cheviot , with finish of
heavy brown passementerie and brown
buttons. To be in direct touch with cur
rent rulings , a brown hat should be worn
with such a suit , so that the one-tone
scheme throughout could be accomplish
ed. Tills is another fancy not well
adapted to modest wardrobes , especially
when no portion of such costume cannot
be put to separate use. Yet any schem
ing economizer will find ways to get
around this drawback. At tie left in
Che next illustration is a light tan broad
cloth trimmed with stitching and pearl
buttons. Opposed to it is a gown of
fascia colored Venetian cloth. Several
fuschia shades showed in its passemen
terie. This is another stylish color trick.
Its buttons were shaded pearl.
No one feature of the suops * current
offering is more iiiipressivc than their
supply of wraps and coats. Nowhere do
shoppers linger longer than among these
garments. Nowhere else is there more
to reward study. It would seem as if
these pretties would become worn out
with handling , for they excite a deal of
"just looking , " but there are hosts of
them , and considering that prices are
rather higher than usual for such out
fitting , they go fast. Such outsides are
to be a big factor in stylish dressing this
winter , nnd surely , if an elaborate dress
er is to own a half or full dozen of such ,
she who must make one wrap do will
want a pretty one. She won't have to
look far to satisfy that requirement , for
the whole display is marked by excellent
taate. Her ideas of price will cut out
nearly all the richer garments , but the
thought that few of these are suited to
the one-wrap program should be sooth
ing. Perhaps her greatest danger is of
becoming confused La the large and va
ried showing and of purchasing unwisely.
Still , little advice can be given beyond
the easy and hardly helpful , select some
thing and according to your wardrobe.
Nor can the artist give assistance of far-
reaching value ; there's too much to ba
half realized without having a good kx > ! c
at It
Two pretty wraps of the loose form
much favored are seen here. One "wa4
biscuit broadcloth heavily embroidered id
tan braid and set off with tan ornaments ,
The other was blue broadcloth laid in
pleats and trimmed with buttons and
narrow silk pleating. A snrprisinglj i
large proportion of these wraps and
coats is in light , evening shades. They're
the colorings a great many women hesi
tate over because they're essentially
dressy and suggestive of perishability.
Fashion Notes *
Tab stocks hold their own.
The becoming feather boa is at hand ,
On walking hats tie fluffy pompon
reigna.
Pelerines sweep almost to the elbon
on elaborate gowns.
One of the queerest belts la a hand
some enameled snaked
Plumes are to have a triumphal careez
on the winter millinery.
If you can't have real for , th
fur cloth is a good substitute.
" - " * ;
i
Italian Salad.
Butter an oral mould slightly , thea
arrange cooked macaroni and truffles
around the sides. Grate six cucumbers ,
add to half pint of water , Tvith slice
of onion ; simmer five minutes ; remove
onion and add one teaspoonful salt ,
one-fourth teaspoonful -white pepper ,
one tablespoonful gelatine , softened ,
two tablespoonfuls -white wine .vine
gar ; line the mould Tvlth this , also ;
then add any preferred meat , fish or
fowl , cut fine with celery , green pep
pers , moisten -with seasoned and stew
ed tomatoes. Set on Ice until firm.
Garnish with mayonnaise and parsleyj
What to Eat.
Mashed Potatoes , Milanaisse.
Boil the required number of potatoes
till done , drain till they are perfectly
dry ; then mash with a fork till smooth
and creamy , moistening during the
mashing process with chicken stock.
Season with salt and white pepper and
add considerable "whipped cream
enough to enable you to beat the pota-
lo with an egg beater. Put Into a dish ,
smooth lightly , sprinkle grated parmesan -
san over the top and brown in a rather
Hot oven. The Epicure.
Sauerkraut.
Shred fine white cabbage into bits.
Put a layer of the cabbage In the bottom
tom of the keg and cover with a layer
of salt sprinkled on generously , then
add more cabbage and more salt and
proceed In this way until the keg la
full , pressing down each layer hard.
Put a weighted board on the surface
of the cabbage and stand away to
ripen. The liquid will exude from the
cabbage and salt and the scum must
be removed. Stand , for some weeks
before using.
Fried Carrots.
Have very young , small carrots ,
scrape and ciean well and split In two
lengthwise. Drop into boiling fat and
let cook till tender and brown. If pre
ferred , they may be dipped in egg and
Crumbs before frying. In arranging
for the table scatter chopped chives
and chopped parsley over them. If
liked , a sauce of melted butter and
lemon juice seasoned with paprika
may be passed with 'the carrots.
Fpnnish Cream.
Put the yolks of eight eggs , four
ounces of sugar and a quart of milk
into a double boiler and cook slowly till
It thickens. Add to it two ounces of
powdered gelatine dissolved in a very
little water. When this is quite cool
dd a pint of freshly made strawberry
tnarmalade , and a pint of whipped
sream. Put into a mould and set on
ice till the cream is quite stiff and
Irm , which will take probably from
rwo to four hours.
f
Cucumber Cnt np. *
Three dozen cucumbers and eighteen
nedium-slzed onions peeled and chop-
> ed very fine. Mix thoroughly with
hree-fourtbs of a pint of salt , place
n sieve , and lot drain over night Add
> ne-half pint cup of whole mustard
; eed , ground black pepper to taste
about one-fourth of a cup" ) . Mix all
horoughly and cover with the" best
nalt vinegar. ' Bottle. A fins relish
vith fish dishes.
Tipsy Pnddinjj.
Line a glass bowl with thin slices of
; ponge cake. Moisten each slice with
iherry. Put over this a layer of pre-
; erved fruit , another layer of fruit and
mother of cake , and proceed In this
ray until the dish Is filled. Pour over
Jl a quart of good boiled custard.
Gleanings.
Salt In water Is the best thing to
lean basket-ware and matting.
Cauliflower used for pickles should
ie prepared by first boiling the vegeta-
le.
Quinces and pears should be boiled
a clearwater until tender before be-
3g put In the syrup.
Egg shells crushed and shaken In
lass bottles half filled with water -will
leanse them quickly.
When juice Is left from canning it
lay be boiled low , made into jelly or
srup for flavoring purposes.
Coffee roasted on a hot shovel , sugar
urned on hot coals , or vinegar boiled
rith myrrh and sprinkled on the floor ,
re excelelnt deodorizers.
If any foreign substance is srvallow-
1 which is sharp , a needle for fc-
tance , do not give an emetic , but con-
ne the diet to mashed potatoes for
ivo days.
Many good housekeepers rely alto-
ether on kerosene for polishing furni-
ire , removing scratches and unsightly
tarks in general
Books kept hi ordinary bookshelves if
ad thus exposed to the air , -will keep V
inch better than those In. bookcases
ith closed doors.
To remove walnut and fruit stains
om the fingers , dip them in strong
a , rubbing the nails -with itwith a
ill brush ; wash in -
warm -water ; the
ains come out instantly.
A cement made by adding a tea-
loonful of glycerine to a gill of glue
a great convenience In the kitchen
id Is especially good for fastening
other , paper orwood to metal
A -wooden rolling pinfwithout hanes -
es and covered -with , flannel , Is-used
one woman -when pressing sleeves
id wristbands. The pin is Inserted
to the sleeve , -which , .she says , -wfll
en press as readily as If itwere a ,
it surface.