THE VALENTINE DEA10CRAT
I. M KICE , Pub'iBlior.
TALENTINE , NEBRASKA.
Almost anybody would agree to take *
J. Pierpont Morgan's assets and pay
his debts.
Now , If Miss Van Vorst had been a
dmosaur one set of brains might have
headed off the other.
Why should John Mitchell want
money or additional glory ? A 5-cent
cigar has been named after him.
It appears that Mrs. Patrick Camp
bell was born in America , She needn't
expect much when she comes here af
ter this.
As to Mrs. Ilussell Sage's remarks
on eschewing social life , Uncle Rus-
seil may be depended upon for a re
sounding amen.
A New York man made $1,500,000 In
six weeks speculating in cotton. No
mention is made of the large number
of men who didn't
King Edward probably honestly won
ders how in the world Parliament
could ever be opened if he were not
on hand in his fur-trimmed blanket.
A poet named Yrhlichy has been
elected a member of the Austrian
House of Peers. If his poetry is any
thing like his name he must belong
to the Browning school.
The case of the New York man who
was' killed by his wife and his boned
fed to the hens is rather extraordi
nary. It is not often that a husband
is henpecked after death.
"Now that Dr. Loeb of Chicago has
discovered a cure for St. Vitus' dance , "
suggests the Kansas City Star , "let
him cast about for some remedy for
the cake walk. " This might necessi
tate an entire change of the pigments
In the blood.
The exposure of the turf investment
frauds came before the American
newspapers have finished expressing
their amazement at the gullibility of
the French as revealed by the Hum
bert swindle. No nation has a mo
nopoly pf the "easy mark. "
t There is no royal road to wealth ,
any" more than to learning. However ,
the desire which lurks in the average
human breast to make a fortune will
continue to induce foolish people to
yisfc their money on schemes that
proinisp to save them from * the neces
sity of earning their daily bread , a'fld
" Buch lessons ns that of the St. Louis
failure will only serve to act as a
temporary brake on the train load of
b'unil > iL § running down grade on the
toad to ruin.
i Fifty thousand reformed drunkards ,
according to Gen. Sooth , are march
ing in the ranks of the Salvation Ar
my. Forty-five thousand young wom
en through its influence have been re
claimed to lives of rectitude and hap
piness. The work has been done eco
nomically , and many who have been
helped have subsequently paid into the
treasury more than was spent upon
their reclamation. Human waste , as
sU & $ thj-t Qf the industrial world ,
Sn be utilized , and th.e wisest phil
anthropy works toward" { bat end.
Religious services held in absolute
darkness are an experiment begun a
Cew weeks ago In London. The purpose
was not novelty or notoriety } but a de-
Eire to answer the objection raised by
poorly dressed people against going to
any place where their shabby clothes
made them feel uncomfortable. The
experiment was made , at St James' , in
Clerkenwell. A large sheet was hung
across the eastern end of the church ,
and upon this the words and music of
the hymns , the prayers and responses
were thrown by a lime-light lantern. If
the attention of the congregation was
not concentrated on the service the
fault could not be attributed to any de
sire to study the fashions.
While Miss Marie Van Vorst is to be
commended for her noble stand in fa
vor of matrimony and we hope Miss
Marie will soon exhibit the courage of
her convictions she is a little too se
vere on the maidens of various ages
who have not yielded to the scriptural
Injunction. Nor can we accept her
statement that "the fact remains that
the world's celebrated women have all
married , " if by that she would argue
that marriage was the promotion of
their influence and accomplishment It
Is a fact that it is rather natural for
women to marry Elizabeth proving
a notable exception but it is far from
a fact that great women have been
made great merely by the marriage
connection. Indeed , the reverse is
more likely to be true , and a woman
who has accomplished , or is likely to
accomplish , much is very often stunt
ed by the marriage tie. Let us marry
by all means , the more the merrier
and the oftener the better , but don't
take up the absurd notion that mar
riage" is the likeliest path to greatness.
Let us be fair to the old maids.
A writer in London Health has ob
served that there is nothing distinc
tive about the American face , as
there is about all the rest of the
groups of Caucasian faces. It has no
Individuality. The English face , the
Jew face , the German face , the French
face , the Italian face , the Irish face ,
are all distinctive types that may be
distinguished t a glance. Each of
x * - , W r/
these has something about it that
calls up a definite picture in the in' d.
But the American face has no strong
characteristic to differentiate it from
other faces of superior races , though
it is peculiar in some ways. It is pe
culiar in its cosmopolitanism. It is pa
in one sense a composite face. It is
international. , for here and there one
may find the traces which suggest a
relation to this , that or the other face.
It may be a line or a ligament be
queathed by an early English an
cestry or something suggestive of
Teutonic origin or a sharp sugges
tion of the Frenchman's face or the
Irishman's face or the Italian's or the
Scotchman's. But when one must
deal with the American abstractly ,
one can scarcely call up the American
face. Uncle Sam , with his striped
trousers , his sharply cut coat , his plug
hat , his whiskers , and his bland ,
good-natured countenance , is a happy
conception , yet he may never hope to
portray the matchless and fndescrib-
able cosmopolitanism of the American
face. But if the American face has
no distinctive features , it has distinc
tive strength. It is a composite of
the best in all peoples. It is a blend
ing of the lights and shadows in the
faces of men wh'o have come from all
parts of the world to conqu ° r and
who have conquered. Intolerance of
oppression , longing for liberty , politi
cal xand industrial resolve , effort , en
ergy , success all these are written
and rewritten upon the American face ,
by the best and bravest children of
every land under the sun. From 1he
American face are obliterated all the
provincial narrowness and weaknesses
that make the other 'faces distinctive.
In it is combined the strength of them
all.
The criminal statistics for the yeai
1902 are not encouraging. They show
that all forms of human abnormality
are decidedly on the increase in this
country relative to the increase of pop
ulation. The most remarkable fact
connected with the year's record is the
sudden and pronounced change of the
proportion between men and women
suicides. For a long time the pro
portion was about five males to one
female , but last year's record sent the
old rule sky high , -the figures being ,
male suicides , 5,082 ; females , 3,149. It
also appears , says the Chicago Exam
iner , that there is a large increase in
juvenile crimes. As compared with
the records of former years , the story
of 1902 is alarmingly full of the crime
of boys and girls between the ages of
12 and 17. A something which the
statisticians are pleased to call "dis
eased precociousness" is making crim
inals among the young people at a
rate that is appalling , with the further
rqsult that they are killing themselves ?
adult &ishion , in quite unprecedented
numbers , ffiie old question of the city
versus the country and the influence of
city life upon morals is mightily in
tensified by last year's statistics , fir. '
Arthur MacDonald of the Bureau of
Education in his recent report to Congress _ -
gress shows that the victims of alco
hol and suicide are more than twice
as numerous in the cities as they are
in the rural regions. For New York
the figures are for deaths per 1,000,000
by alcoholism. State SO , New York
City 219 ; Illinois 48 , Chicago 87 ; Penn
sylvania 38 , Philadelphia 92 ; Massa-j
chusetts 72 , Boston ISO. The figures'
for these four States and cities as re
gards suicide show about the same re-1
su.lt. It appears that the percentage
of suicides inrthe cities , as compared ' ,
with the country , is abnormally large
§ nQAying that in the great centers bf
humafi congestion the forcea that de.- ,
moralize are nVuch more activt than
they are aWa frqjs those points. The
causes of this unenviable condition of
things jire not far to seek. The haste
of civilization la , perhaps , the main ]
cause. There Is an abnormal strain on
the nervous system which deranges it'
and so throws the whole human ma
chinery out of gear. We are obliged
to think and act so quickly and to
keep up the thinking and acting so
persistently , that the phosphorus of
the brain is prematurely used up and
the result is nervous prostration , fail
ure , suicide. Again , the emphasized
gregariousness of modern civilization ,
bringing people close together in great
numbers , excites the passions , en
hances selfishness , sharpens the spirit
of competition , and to the same extent !
deadens the sympathies , and in this
way cheapens human life and leads ta
crime. But after all the picture , dark
as it is , is not without its streaks oi
light Crime may be on the increase
but it is a matter of genuine congrat
illation that the people in this countrj
and in all countries are morally sound
in love with life , and doing all thai
they can to make it beautiful for every
son and daughter of Adam.
A Notoriety Seeker.
Reuben Jason's furever plottin' te\7
git his name in the country paper.
Silas So ?
Reuben , Yaas , between times when
thar hain't a new baby up t' his housa
he paints his barn or su'thin' . Phila *
delphia Press.
Abe Lincoln used to tell a story of a
steamboat that had such a big whistld
that , after whistling for a landing , if
had to tie up for an hour , in order id
get up enough steam to run its engines. '
A better story was told a few years agd
by an Atchison brakeman. The Misi
souri Pacific had a dinkey switch en
gine In the Atchison yards that shoot
the earth with its whistle , "If tha ;
whistle could be jacked up , " a brake
man said , "and a locomotive built un
der it , what a great switch engine if
would make ! "
In visiting places of interest in d
large city don't overlook the
shops.
. 'V
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HUMORISTS.
Pleasant Incidents Occurring : the
World Over Sa3"ingrs that AreChtfcr-
ful to Old or Younp : Funny Selec
tions that You Will Enjoy.
Soon Decided.
"What a magnificent specimen that
tall Swede is ! ' ' said Rivers , looking at
the stalwart policeman that was guard
ing the crossing.
"He isn't a Swede , " said Brooks.
"He's Irish. "
"Bet you a dollar. "
" ' "
"It's a go.
They approached the policeman.
"Officer , " asked Brooks , "where is
the Masonic Temple ? "
"Be Targe ! " he replied , "yez'll hev "
"Here's your dollar , Brooks , " said
Rivers , handing it oVer.
Too Expensive.
"Five dollars a minute ? " said the
youth who had asked the long distance
telephone rate between him and the
town where resided the lady fair.
"Yes , sir , " asserted the telephone
clerk.
"I guess I am not on speaking terms
with her , " sighed the youth , sadly
Counting the ? 4.50 which was in his
purse.
Bessie's Impression.
"Did the baby just come from heav
en ? " asked little Bessie.
"Yes , dear , " replied the nurse.
"Dacious ! I guess he came so soon
he forgot to bring his teeth. "
His Little Joke.
La Montt Did you ever hear the
story of the oyster soup we have at our
hoarding house ?
La Moyne Think not Is it a good
story ?
La Montt No , there is nothing in it
A Slight Misunderstanding.
Bell Don't you think Sousa is a
great conductor ?
Nell I don't ever remember riding
on his car.
Defined.
Teacher What is a cannibal ?
Bobbie Please , sir , a cannibal is one
who eats each other.
\Vhy It Failed to Appear.
"You didn't publish that commuiiica
tion I sent you the other day about the
money problem. "
"No the fact is "
;
"Don't you believe in giving both
siires in your paper ? "
"Yes , but you wrote on both sides of
yours. "
Hint on Etiquette.
"Say , " whispers the parvenu at the
banquet given to commemorate the re
conciliation of the society couple , "my
bread is wrapped in a napkin. I'm not
up on all these things , you know. Do
I eat the napkin ? "
"Oh , no , " says his mentor. "Not
here. This feast is to celebrate the
cessation of chewing the rag. "
The Main Fact.
Angry Father Giving money to you
is like pouring water into a sieve.
Spendthrift Son Well , there's plen
ty of water , isn't there ?
Happy Medium.
Ernie How funny ! Mabel married
the son of a minister and Gertrude ,
married a gambler.
May Who did Sally marry ?
Ernie Oh , I believe she wedded a
spiritualist
May H'm ! Suppose she wanted a
medium.
The jSevr Arrival.
"Gee , that was a careless stork , ' ' re
marked little , Ben as he got a glimpse
of the baby for the first time.
"How so ? " queried the nurse.
"Why , he forgot and left the baby's
teeth and hair behind.
An Independent Thinker.
Flossie Mamma , didn't the/ / preach
er say something last Sunday about
not caring what we eat or drink or
what kind of clothes we wear ?
Mamma Did he ? Perhaps I wasn't
paying attention to him.
Flossie Well , I don't suppose any-
body'd pay much attention to him when
he says things like that ! Puck.
Choice of Evils.
Wife It's nearly time to clean house
once more.
Husband Can't you let it go this
time ?
Wife I don't see how I can.
Husband Well , let me suggest a
plan. Instead of cleaning house we'll
nove.
A Straight Tip.
'Tve got a soft thing , " remarked the
. < ung man who had just been appoint-
.1 fo a government position , "but I
nu'r know how long I'll be able to
; : oo ; It. "
"Oh , you'll probably keep it till you
- * <
< ' '
* * * * I
lose your head , " replied the age
cynic.
Cupid's Victorj' .
Ernie So the elopement was a faiK
ure ?
Eva Oil , no ! -
Ernie But I heard the automobile1
broke down.
Eva Yes , but it broke down right in
front of a minister's.
At the Minstrels.
Bones Yeas , Ah found de Filipinos
very refined. Would yo' believe dat
dey Wouldn't sit in der shirt sleeves ?
Tambo No , sah. I cud hahdly be
lieve It Why wouldn't dey sit in den
shirt sleeves ? "
Bones Because dey don't wear eny
shirts. Ha ! Ha !
Take No Chances.
He would you fancy a trip on the
sea of matrimony ?
She Yes , if I had a return ticket
Human Nature.
Hix Say , I want to buy a good dog.
Dix Now , that's a sensible thing to
do. Every man should own a good
dog.
dog.Hix Do you know where I can getJ
one ?
Dix Sure. I'll sell you mine.
Aaked and Answered1.
"Are you working for the contractot
of the road ? " asked the inquisitive par
ty of the laborer who was driving railway -
way spikes.
"Faith , an' Oi'm not , " was the reply.
"Oi'm workin' for th' ixtender av it"
An Experiment.
Judge Why did you hit your wife
in the face with a rotten apple when
she asked you where you had been till
2 a. m. ?
Prisoner I wanted to see if a soft
answer would actually turn away
wrath.
An Eye to Business.
Physician The walking is just splen-i
did this morning.
His Wife Why , I thought the
streets were covered with sleet
Physician So they are , my. dear.
Inexperienced.
"That is a new girl , " whispered the
old telephone operator.
"Hew do you know ? " queried the
friend.
"Why , don't you see she blushes
every time anyone kisses over the tele
phone ? " j
Too Much for Them. 1
City Man Why did the neighbors
vacate so swiftly ?
Silas Too much cultivating , stran
ger.
ger.City Mall Cultivating the fields ?
SilasNo ; Hiram's daughter was
cultivating her voice.
Cause for Jealousy.
"Dere may be girls in school dat
have a better edicatlon dan me , buti
dey can't touch me on style , and dat'a
wet catches the fellers. "
Why He Was Popular.
Ernie Why is Jack so popular with
the girls ?
Edith He is a planter.
Ernie Planter ? What in the world
does he plant ?
Edith Kisses.
Proofs.
. "My dear , why don't you hit the naili
on the head sometimes ? "
"I do. Look at my thumb. " Chicago
cage Times-Herald.
Floor of the Pacific Ocean.
If the waters of the Pacific could be
drained , there would be revealed a ;
vast stretch of territory comprising
enormous plateaus , great valleys for !
which no parallels exist on the landj
surface lofty mountains , beside which ]
the Himalaya and the Andes would !
look like hillocks , and tremendous hol
lows or basins , only to be compared
with those on the face of the moon.
While there are great mountains , and
huge basins or "deeps , " the plateau
areas are by far the most extensive.
Relatively speaking , the floor of the
Pacific as now at last revealed on thej
plateau areas , is level. There are un
dulations and depressions , but the genj
eral area is about the same depth beJ
low the surface.
Soundings develop a mean depth oi
from 2,500 to 2,700 fathoms. In shoal
er spots there is a mean depth of froir
2,300 to 2,400 fathoms. Deeper spots
show from 2,800 to 2,000 fatboms.-
Leslle's Monthly.
APRIL .S A LUCKY MONTH.
Important Events in American History
Occurred Dnrinjr its Thirty Days.
"Did you know that the month of
April has played a more conspicuous
part in American history than any
other mouth of the year ? " asked a
tnan who is fond of things historical.
' From the way I look at the events
involved April is the most important
of all the months and 1 have often
wondered why the American people
'Ehow so much indifference to the fact.
Why , when you come to thint of it ,
the Fourth of July , while , of course ,
Important enough , is yet not quite so
momentous in the annals of American
history as some other days one might
mention. April has been the one
month of the year which has really
settled the great problems with which
the American people have had to deal.
Suppose we glance at the record for a
moment.
The Avar of the revolution began
April 19 , 3775 , and ended April 11 ,
1783. Cominjr on down we find the
Sabine disturbance , involving the
southwestern frontier , Louisiana , Ar-
kausas , and Texas , and which began
in April , 1S315. running through to
June of the next year. The Mexican
war began April 24 , IS-itJ. The Yuma
expedition into California ended in
April , ISol . having begun in Decem
ber the year previous. The fJSla ex
pedition into New Mexico AV.-.S launch
ed April 1(5. IS37. The Colorado River
expedition in California ended April
28 , 1S39. The Pet-os expedition into
Texas was launched April 10 , 3Sr i ) .
There was the War of the Rebellion ,
which started April 19 , 1S ( > 1. Hostili
ties actually began when Fort Sump-
ter was fired upon April 12 , 18(51. (
The Ute expedition in Colorado be
gan April 3 , 1S7S. It is a rather curi
ous coincidence that the late war with
Spain began April 21 , in the same
month and but two days later , Avith
respect to the day of the month , than
the War of the Rebellion , Avhich be
gan April 19. The Spanish-Ampricaii
Avar began April 21 , 1898 , and ended
April 11. 1899. These are some of the
more important things Avhich have
taken place in the month of April ,
and many of the events have been of
deep import from the viOAVpoint of
Americans. AVhat reason can you as
sign for the conspicuous part April
has played in the history of America ?
Do men feel more like fighting in April
than in the other months of the year :
Is the spirit of Avar and revolution in
fluenced by the rising of the sap ? I
do not know , but there must be some
good reason for the happening of these
great things , Avars , explorations , ad
ventures and events of this sort in the
month of April. At any rate they
have happened in April , and it Avould
be unreasonable and altogether absurd
to assume that these things are due to
haphazard , that they are mere coinci
dences. April cannot be explained out
of its rightful inheritance among the
Qiore important months in American
history.
AGED ARE NOT DOOMED.
piseases May Be Cured hy Coaxing
and Gentle Care.
In the past , and even yet all too fre
quently , the old man or the old woman
who hud the misfortune to fall seriously -
ly ill was belieA'ed to be doomed. The
disease Avas alloAved to rim its course
AVith little or no opposition from thQ
doctor , for so little hope Avas there thai
it was commonly regarded as a useless
cruelty to annoy the dying sufferei
by pressing him to take the necessarj
medicine and food.
Now Ave know that this is wrong ,
Old persons , very old ones , can and do
recoA'er from the gravest diseases , and
they haA'e as much right to claim the
thoughtful care and intelligent treat
ment of the doctor and the nurse as
have their children and grandchildren.
But , of course , their treatment musl
be of a different kind , both because
the frail system Avill uot endure the
sometimes severe measures that are
life saving for the more robust , and
because disease in the old assumes a
different character from that which il
assumes in the young.
The arteries in the aged are lesij
elastic , all the tissues are stiffer and
Jess plastic , and the reaction of the sys
tem is slower and less pronounced.
Fever , which accompanies every little
indisposition in the child , is incon
spicuous in the maladies of old age ,
and a disease like pneumonia may run
its course , even to a fatal termination ,
without any appreciable elevation of
the body temperature , and , indeed ,
without any sign of its presence be
yond more rapid breathing and pro
gressive weakness.
Excretion is less free in the old , and
the depressing signs of systematic poi
soning by Avaste products are much
more evident. This poisoning is mani
fested , not in the wild delirium and
high fever of the young , but in stupor
per , low-muttering delirium and vital
depression. The aim , therefore , must
Nbe to rouse the flagging heart , and to
assist elimination of the toxic matters
from the system , at > the same time us
ing only the gentlest measures.
The brittle organs of the aged will
not stand bloAvs that are often needed
to get any response at all from those
of the young. They would break un
der such rough usage. They must bq
coaxed and gently pushed , but never
driven. And herein lies the difficult
task of the physician. He must keep
a steady hand on the helm and a
watchful eye on the breakers , and
must know well just how much strain
the weakened timber of the bark will
stand if he would guide it betAveen the
Scylla of inaction and the Charybdia
of excessive zeal. Youth's Compan
ion.
Nothing tires a man like being worked -
ed by others.
° se ls
Nearly all the sand paper in
iiade with powdered glass.
In France there are 4,000,000 acres-
Jevoted to the culture of the grape.
Pupils in the public schools of Aus-
iria are compelled to learn English.
A single grain of gold after having
been converted into gold leaf , will
square inches.
: over forty-eight
fiifty German warships and one tor
pedo boat have already been fitted-
of wireless tel-
K-itb the apparatus
grapby.
They "Waited" and "Saw. "
Warren's Corners , N. Y. , April 20 ,
"Wait and see you're better now , or
' last"
course , but the cure won't
This was what the doctors said to
Mr. A. B. Smith of this place. These
lectors had been treating him for years-
nnd he got no better. They thought
othing could permanently cure-
fa hn. He says :
" ! My kidneys seemed to be so large-
that there wasn't room for them , and
at times it seemed as if ten thousand ,
aeedles Avere running through them. I
i-ould not sleep on my left side for
years , the pain was so great in that
position. I had to get up many times ta
urinate and my urine was sometimes
clear and white as spring Avater. aud.
ugain it would be highly colored and.
Avould stain my linen. The pain across-
my back was awful. I was ravenously-
hungry all the time.
"After I had taken Dotlcl's Kidney-
Pills for four days my kidneys oainedL
me so bad I could hardly sit down.
On the niorninjr of the fifth day I felt
ome better , and the improvement con-
inued till I Avas completely cured. "
"A's this AA'as months ago and I am
still fooling splendid , 1 kno > r that my
: ure Avas permanent and genuine. "
His satanic majesty expects to pave *
several miles of new streets this year.
A ton of cork occcupies a space of
one hundred and lifty cubic feet ; a
ton of gold iscomnressed in the soace-
of two cubic feet.
Some men know jnst enough to-
make. fools of themselves.
2o Maud , dear ; a person who has-
been stung by a bee doesn't necessar
ily have to suffer from hives.
The sandblast bas been successfully
applied to the cleansing of ships'
bottoms. An ironclad was recently-
dry docked in an English seaportand .
by means of compressed air. sand was
forced against the sides of'the vessel ,
cleasing and polishing the iron and
Bteel until they became almost as
orlght as silver ,
CASTOR IA
Per Infants and Children.
The Kind You Have Always Bought
Bears the
Signature of
"Pe ? M j * SsSlEt et tsj-fyt < M
tsruito xrt of Fuh trcsd Wil rro.f O.
i.f cr .
war. idtecfi ttt ) a er Kir I oxH fc lud rf
evtpttttat kmltot 2i tf tUrt
Pi * n faruktt b jnn " ' "f--T li
AJTCMRWtC7W
ALESMEN WANTED
ure to Make S2O Per Week
eason Now at Its BEST
end for Terms.
THE HAWKS NURSERY GO.
Wauwatosa , Wla.
S C ASCARETS for
sssaa
BEST FOR
THE BOWELS
CANDY CATHARTIC
,
000-page
e
cents. Yournel
* CHICAGO
The hopse that telia the troth.
7B87 < YORK lirgp