LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HUMORISTS.
Pleasant Incidents Occurring the
World Over Sayings that Arc Cheer
ful to Old or Younjr Funny Selec
tions that You Will Enjoy.
Tcsp My ! What a small sofa 3 011
'have here.
.less YPS , If it wasn't so small I
couldn't keep George at his proper dis
tance when he calls.
Toss But , gracious , you're engaged
to "him , and
Jess Of course , so when we both
squeeze into if he can't get very far
A way. Philadelphia Tress.
Uned to It.
Fudge There's Suburbs there , he
hasn't a lump of coal nor moans to get
any , but he laughs at the prospect of
b'eing put to any inconvenience by the
cold this winter.
Fudge Is he an Arctic explorer ?
"No ; he says he is so used to riding
on the unheated suburban trolley cars
that a little thing like cold can't trou
ble him. " Baltimore Herald.
IIow It Iconicf d.
3
Her 'Top" What was Cliolly doing
* ln the hall last night ?
nis Daughter He only clasped my
cloak.
Her "Pop" Looked to me like he
-clasped its contents , too.
The Status.
Marie I have an engagement with
Cholly and. I don't know how to get
out of it.
Helen Haven't you any reason for
breaking it ?
Marie Yes , I have a reason Cholly
is the reason but 1 want an excuse.
Puck.
'Twas Hound to Go.
"I thought she married a man with
money ? "
"So she did. "
"But see how poor they are. "
"Well , my goodness , how long did
.you expect she'd be spending it ? "
Philadelphia Bulletin.
Hard to Please.
Mrs. Nnybor I hear your husband's
-111. I hope his condition isn't critical.
Mrs. Krank No , but his disposition
Is. He criticises everything we give
.him to eat. Philadelphia Press.
Not a Charitable View of It.
"She thinks it's wrong to go to the
theater. "
"Well , poor thing , slie has to have
some excuse for never being asked , "
Philadelphia Bulletin ,
At the Minstrels.
Bones Yeas , sail. Ah kin prove dat
Noah didn't take enuf to eat on dat
voyage.
Tambo How kin yo' prove it ?
Bones Don't de good book say he
only took one Ham ? Chicago News.
Doubtful of His Ability.
Crusty Can you support my daugh
ter ?
Sliiiikins Yes , sir.
Crusty Ever see her eat ?
Slimkins Yes , sir.
Crusty Ever see her eat when no-
'body was looking ?
Hopeless.
"They say Miss Newrich's education
"has been sadly neglected. "
" 1 should say it has. Why , that girl
can't even play ping-pong. " Harper's
.Bazar.
Ne Plus Ultra.
Ding I just heard Mrs. de Styles say
-that she found it impossible to intro
duce her husband into polite society.
Dong For what reason ?
"She couldn't teach him to say 'din
ner' for 'supper. ' " Baltimore News.
Incurious Man.
She Do you know what I'd do if you
should try to kiss me ?
He No ; why ?
She Oh , nothing ; only .you don't
seem to have any curiosity. August
Smart Set
Out of the Market.
"I wouldn't marry the best man in
the world. "
"You will not have the chance. I am
-i'ready engaged , " New York Times.
Meaning Was Clear.
"What was the cause of that awful
racket and disturbance in your offic
just before 3011 came ? "
"You know that young farmer's SOB
who came yesterday to begin the studj
of law with me ? " said the other.
"Yes. "
"Well , I thought he might as wel ]
begin at the bottom of the ladder and ]
told him that when he came down this
morning the first thing for him to do
would be to clear out the office. He
found half a dozen big. strong fellows
there waiting to see me-on business ,
but he did it all right ! " Answers.
Low Estimation.
Visitor Well , Johnny , I suppose youi
father thinks the twins are something
wonderful.
Johnny Yes , but ( in a confidential
whisper ) I could lick 'em both easy.
Tid-Bits.
\Vifel3 * Appreciation.
"There's one thing I will say aboul
Charley , " said young Mrs. Torkins ; "he
has a lovely disposition , even if he
doesn't always display .it at home. "
"How do you know ? "
"I heard some of his Wall street
friends talking about him. They say
he is a perfect lamb. " Washington
Star.
Now Why Did They Laujrh.
Several ladies sat in their club a few
evenings ago , discussing the virtues ol
their husbands.
"Mr. Bingleton , " said one of them ,
referring to her life partner , "nevei
drinks and never swears indeed , he
has no bad habits ! "
"Does he ever smoke ? " some one
asked.
"Yes. He likes a cigar just after he
lias eaten a good meal. But I suppose
t > n an average , he doesn't smoke more
than once a month. " Stray Stories.
A Recommendation.
A faithful colored servant had recom
mended a friend to take charge of his
mistress' delicate little girl.
"Do you think , Sally , " asked the anx
ious mother , "that I could trust Auui
Ellen with the entire care of the
baby ? "
"Law , yes , ma'am ! Ellen knows all
'bout ' childun. She's done buried oix. "
Judge.
The Outlook.
Her Papa Yo' aspiah ter marry mat
laughtah , sah ? H'in ! Whad am yo'i
prospee's ?
Q'he Suitor ( a widower ) Ebery sin
; le one ob de pussous fo' whom mat
late lamented wife done washin' fo
liab promised ter liber'ly paternize hei
'uccessah. Judge.
Of Some Use.
Mrs. Dix Your husband must suffei
terribly with his coughing and sneez
ing when he has hay fever.
Mrs. Hicks ( cheerfully ) To be sun
lie does , but you can't think how i >
imuses the baby. Tid-Bits.
Her Idea.
*
-wp-i
i' d ,
Wife I want a dress , a new hai
shoes , gloves , a handsome cape , an l
box of candy.
Husband tan't you cut it down ;
little ?
Wife Very well , dear , I'll do witL
out the candy.
Very Likely.
Mrs. Slumkin The Werdey baby i
the picture of her father.
Mr. Slumkin I suppose that whei
the child Is a little older she will b
the phonograph of her mother. Judge
Tippine the Guest.
Waiter Beg pardon , sir , but haven'
you forgotten something ?
Guest Forgotten something ? Ah
yes , a toothpick. Thanks. Ohicag.
News.
His Plan.
City Man Yes ; we all need a res
once in a while.
Farmer So we do , young man. An
if some of you city folks 'd foller m ;
plan an' take yer rest from 9 at nigh
till 4 in the mornin' you'd be a dea
better off. Puck.
An Observation.
It is to be observed that the peopl
who offer bargains get rich faster thai
the people who take advantage of th
same Puck.
His Private Opinion.
"I heard a good story the other day.
began the grocery man , "about a cei
tain politician. "
"That will do , " interrupted the disaj
pointed office-seeker. "In the tir.i
place , there are no certain politicians.
Gentle Hint.
"Yes , people call me rich , " said th
boastful old bachelor , "but I assiu
you my money is a lot of trouble t
ine. "
"And people do say , " remarked Mis
Willing , "that every man ought to hav
some woman to share his troubles. "
Only Too Pleased.
"I never object to my wife havin
the last word. "
"Don't you , really ? "
"No , I am only too thankful who
she has got to it. " Judge.
No Comparison.
"That New York girl vas awful "jr.
when I asked her if she was fro ,
Boston. "
"I'll bet she wasn't half so mad :
the Boston girl whom I asked if si.
was from New York. Life.
PRICE ON HIS HEA
TRAIN ROBBER OF FUTURE Wit
BE HOUNDED DOWN.
RAILROADS TO JOIN HAND
THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR EVER
DEAD HIGHWAYMAN.
ROBBER IS WORTH 1,00
Uiirllnjilriii JMaUes the Ofl'er and Otlie
Will Follow 11 oldni s ut Lincoln ai
Davenport Cuusr for Action.
Chicago , Nov. 20. Train robhc
as an industry is to be throtth
through concerted action of railro ;
and express companies operatir
from headquarters scattered throng !
out the middle west. Of late the
has been an epidemic of railwz
holdups extending from the hanks <
the Mississippi river over the gre ;
plains to the foothills of the Rocl
mountains and beyond in the lone
wilderness of the far west.
The Davenport robbery of the fai
Rock Island train and the robbei
near Lincoln last month , were tl
straws that broke the camel's bacl
Che Rock Island railroad compan ;
In conjunction with the Unite
States Express company , issued
joint reward during the day of $5,0 (
[ or the arrest and conviction of tt
knights of the road who intercepte
their train early Saturday morninj
In addition tu a declaration of
aew policy to follow these rohbe :
jntil captured , the Burlington roa
jntered the field witu an announci
nent that a dead train robber woul
DC worth $1,000 to any of its employe ;
[ t was inferred by some who heard <
: ne order that dead train robbe :
would be preferable to live ones.
"We have given all our traiome
: c understand , " suid F. A. Delam
; eneral manager of the Burliogto
oad , ' 'and also the express messec
fer that a dead train rubber is wort
51.000 to any of them. All our cor
iuctors and trainmen carry revolvei
md we are encouraging them to do s
md to learn to shoot straight. I ar
n favor of concerted action on th
irt of railway managements and ej
) ress companies which shall have fc
ts object the hounding of train rot
) ers to the ends of the earth. "
) tncials of the St. Paul , Illinois Gee
ral and the Chicago & Alton roi ;
oincided with Mr. Delano's state
aent , and declared that they woul
mt hesitate for an instant to bea
heir share of any burden brough
bout by a concerted movement t
radicate the evil.
Leaves All to His Widow.
Berlin , Nov. 26. Emperor Willian
rill attend the funeral of Her
Crupp , which will take place fron
he little old house where his futhe
ived pourly while striving to cast tin
rst steel gun. The will of the de
eased gunmakeraccording to a semi
uthoritative statement , provide
hat the woj'-j shall not be turnet
ato a joint stock company , unde
\venty-tive years , meantime the rev
nues of the whole property will g <
3 the widow and after her death t <
tie eldest daughter. The value o
be estate , estimated by the bankers
'ho were connected with Hen
[ mpp is $75,000,000. This does nol
iclude securities owned by the de
based outside his manufacturing
lants which may possibly amount tc
3 much more.
The suicide theory has nob yet
uieted. TbeCologne Gazette says :
"Whether he died of shock due tc
ccitement and embitterment ovei
le attack made upon bin. or wbeth-
: adjudging himself guilty , he took
is own life are questions which have
Dt been answered.and the accusation
self must halt at his death. "
The physicians who were in attend-
ice upon Ilerr Krupp have drawn
p a statement which for the pros
it is kept secret but it is understood
lat it d2clares he died of apoplexy.
: appears that after Ilerr Krupp re-
liued consciousness on Saturday he
sisted on discussing with his solic-
or , Herr Korn , the prosecution of
ic newspapers for publishing accu-
tions against him and there upon
16 second stroke of the word.
The very poor of Berliu are better
msed toan those of any other large
by in the world. In fac.t , there are
i filtliy slums in the German capital
d the poorest people there are dis-
sed to be tidy.
Says 1 hey Swore Falsely ,
DCS Moines , la. , Nov. 26. Josoph
iskub-i , a farmer , was the center
a dramatic scene in the court room
Marshalltown this rooming , when
swallowed a big vial of mophine.
heroic means a physician saved
5 ITe. He was on trial lor the at-
npted murder of William Bratide ,
leighbor. He alleged as a motive
nis attempt on his own life that
his neighbors had sworn falsely
NEED OF MANY MQKE A1EN-
Secretary Moody Says Navy Is Short Hande
Use of Liquid Fuel at Sea.
Washington , Nov. 29. In his ai
nual report to the president Secretai
Moody of the navy says at the cloj
of the last fiscal year there were ur
der construction for the navy , I
contract the following vessels : Eigl
battleships armored cruisers , nic
protected cruisers , fuur monitor :
thirteen torpedo boats. The gener ;
prugress of work upon these vessel ;
particularly those of the larger cities
has not beeu found to be satisfactorj
The battleships were , on the 30th (
June , 1902 , fiom ten to twenly-nin
months behind contract time ; th
armored ccruisers from four * < ) thii
teen months ; the protected i isei
from six to eight'mouths , whi e th
monitors were from sixteen to nine
teen months in arrears.
In the cases of the larger vessel
the causes assigned for slow progrej
are the non-delivery of structur ;
material , the inability of shipbuik
ers to obtain a stittieient supply t
skilled labor , and in some cases
strikes Other causes have contribn
ted to the result. The departmen
has recently taken steps to remove
as far as practicable , any grounds c
delay over which it can exercise cor
troland has notified contractors tha
th y will be held to accouutabilit
for failure to push forward the woi
of construction with the diligence , i
such failure shall occur , and particu
arly for any delays which may at an
tiniu be caused by preference beiti
given to piivate over public wo k
In the case of torpedo boats an
thi > destroyers , the contractors hav
assigned as an additional reason fo
delay that the contract for their ro
struction were so exacting that com
nliance with them has been well nig ]
impossible.
Among the most important lesson
learned in the war with Spain wa
that a modern navy cannot be im
provised during a war or upon th
threshhold of a war. Mu h mone ,
was then expended in the purchas
of ships. Many of them served use
fill auxiliary purposes , but it ma ,
well be doubted whether they addei
materially to the fighting ellieienc ;
of our fleet. The time best suited t <
the development and perfection o
our navy is the time when there i :
neither war nor threat of war. Hap
pilv the present is such a time , anc
it permits a dispassionate considera
tioa of the future.
The country : p JFOVPF , with hardlj
a dissenting voice , the policy o !
strengtheuir gour power upon the sea.
What may have been an adequate
oavy some years ago is totally inade
quate for the performance of the du
ties growing out of our new possess
ions in the Pacific and Atlantic and
the determination of congress to con
struct a canal across the isthmus.
If , then , the policv of. strengthen
ing our power upon the sea to the
point where it can respond to the na-
ional needs be not abandoned , the
iavy has manifold needs. There
a st be additional naval and coaling
nations' more ships , lighting and
iuxiliary ; and an increase of otlicers
md men. In all of these respects ,
congress in the past has dealt with
ihe navy wisely and generously , and
[ d.iubt not that In the future it will
is accurately register the will of the
) eople.
The most imperative need of the
lavy today is ol additonal officers. I
annot overstate this need. It in-
ites the instant attention of con-
; ress. The administration of the de-
lartment is embarrassed almost daily
> y the lack of otlicers below command
ank. This condition has been ap-
iroaching for some years , and was
learly apprehended and stated by my
iredecessor in ofti'-e. It is acute to-
lay , and , when the ships already au-
horized are completedit will be des-
lerate unless there is early action.
I am informed that under existing
onditions 355 graduates of the naval
cademy may be expected during
hese four years. There is no other
O'irce of supply except a number not
xceeiling six per annum , which may
e obtained by the promotion of en-
sted men. Unless , therefore , the
bove computation can be shown to
i erroneous , we shall have in the
ear future something more than a
liousand otlicers less than tue proper
jmplement.
The oflicftrs we need can be obtain-
; 1 from three sources by appoint-
icnt from civil life , by promotion
om the ranks , or by education and
raining at the naval academy The
rst source has been so unifoimly re
nted by the opinions of all , that I
ill not discuss it. Congress has 5n-
i aled its npmicn by abandoning
lis merh'id in the army and marine
rps , and wi'Uld ' net. it is turned ,
lopt it for the line of the navy.
Sad Ending of a Reunion.
Albany. N. Y. , Nov. 29. Wilham
id Martha A. Hugebnom , aged six-
1 yeais. were found dead in a bed
i a hutPi here , ha\ing been asphyxi-
ed during the ni hr bv illuifinat-
\JL \ gis. ; Thewere residents of Eist ;
.uleskill and arrived here to meet
leir two sons and their danehter-
i-law. who were to be disch-.irged
i m the Albany county penitenti-
y having served a term of six
outas for petit laiceny arid burg-
PACE IS TOO FAS
NORTHWESTERN LOSES TO Th
MEN FKOM NEBRASKA.
TWELVE TO NOTH1N
METHODISTS PUT UP SURPRIE
1 ON CORNHUSKERS
SHOW DP IN GOOD FORJ
< u Did Not Tut tins Usuul Gnmc
Wuilw Noriliiv * 4let 11 I'lnyi'il llrr Ji *
l"xilhull. . A JLiirj ; * ' Cri \ vtlVu - * in A
teiulKiiue.
Nebraska
rxorthwestern.
Michigan. ,
Minnesota.
Kansas .
Missouri
Pennsylvania
Cornell
d lumbia.
S\racuse . .
Chicago . .
Wisconsin
Illinois . . .
Iowa
Stanford.
Utah. . . .
Armour . . .
Augustana.
Lombard . .
Keokuk . . . .
Drake
jrinnell
3hio Medics. . .
Dhioeibleyan. .
Wittenberg
Ivenyon
Miami
Denison
Purdue
Notre Dame
Earlham i
[ it se Poly
Nebraska's goal has not bee
rosed this season. The Thanksgn
ng game with Northwestern resulte
u a score of 12 to 0 in Nebraska's fz
ror and her year's record is clean.
The game was witnessed by tt
argest crowd ever gathered on tl ]
Nebraska field. It was a close cor
; est , much closer than the support
: rs of the scarlet ana cream wer
nnkiny for. The mon from th
Northwestern plavert the best game (
i e year and Nebraska did ro : mak
is good a showing as usual. Th
) attle was full of close situation
tnd there was grave danger at tie
.hat the purple would score. Tha
.his did not occur is due to lack c
ikill on the part of the visitors an
he anility of Nebaska to pull hersel
; ogether at critical times.
One thing mars the remembranc
if the game. Many believe tha
Empire Allen acted without cause i
requeutly penalizing the coruhusk
rs It cost a touchdown alreaa
arned and the loss of the ball 01
Q my occasions
At the start Nebraska played fas
tall , her backs finding the North
restern line a wide meshed sieve
lickei , Bender and Bell smashed fu
epeated gains Northwestern earl
ook a strong stand and forced Ne
iraska to punt and on securing th
ial ! started"the tandem formation 01
ackleshich during the entire game
/as the most continuously successfu
round gainer.
Nebraska was weak a left and wher
Kilmer , a limit man , tried to Bll th
lace of Shedd , a star end As th
lay advanced Northwestern mad
aore frequent gains in this spot
Nebraska having partially solved th
undem formation. North westen
mn several opportunities to kicl
oal from field but two were los
unities , the Nebraska ends reachinj
iaird with the ball as it was snappei
afk
The cornhnskers on several occa
ions seemed to be unable to resis
lie charges of the purple warriors
ince or twice the line seemed to g'
: > pieces and occasionally an openin ;
as found which other teams thi
ear did not locate. The men wen
ot playing their game Northwest
rn hamrnrrpd constantly at thi
pakost defense , and made the nms
f her advantage. When Nebrask ;
id wade into her opponents , sin
as repPHtedlv penalized , causinj
tss'-s of tho ball tint made the rout
rs sick. The visitors were penal
; ed four times , to eleven for Nebras
a , seven of the latter beinu tor al
'ged ' holding which caused a loss o
le ball It was discouraging wnrl
> r the cornliusL-prs and their garni
T-wed it. But they held their em
gainst these O'lds Their team work
: s never interfered with Thej
iMin pd the Northwestern line un
lercifully and always made gains. .
Use Axes , Revolvers and Clnbs.
Milwaukee. Nov. 28. As the re
lit of a battle west of the city lim
s , in which axes , revolvers auc
ubs were used , Bernard and Aiberi
eilfuss are in the hospital and ttu
tier may die. He was shot in the
reast aud was four huurs withoni
le attention of a doctor. The alieg
1 assailants are Max and Paul ( K
sn. Max was arrested but his broth
escaped. The tmuble is the re-
il . of a quarrel several weeks ago.
$ f
1 NEBRASKA § i <
' <
NEWS-NOTES I
J. W. Barrett , an aged man , was
struck by a Burlington train at Wy-
more and killed.
The horse and buggy stolen from
A. Allen at Cedar Uluifs has been re
covered.
F. E. Toms , who has been running
the Country department store in
Graf , has disappeared.
Hastings Brouddus , who was shot
Saturday by .Jim Walker at Crawford
died. The men had quarreled.
Henry Brown , a Sac Indian and
veteran of the civil war , dieJ recent
ly near Falls City at the age of 00
years.
The Rev. J. S. Shepard of the
Third Presbyteran church of Lincoln ,
LS S accepted a call by the local Pres
byterian church at Fairbury.
At Louisville James Turyberry and
Mr. Paterson had a runaway , Tury-
beny's collar bone being broken and
one of the horses * 5eing killed.
At Loup City , R. Watke was bound
over in the sum of $5,000 for setting
fire to the Bartow elevator at Ash-
ton.
ton.J.
J. L. Howard was arrested at Fre
mont and taken back to Sewari
where he is charged with heating a
hotel bill.
Fire broke out in the brick harness
shop of Frank Rosline at St. Paul.
The loss will nut exceed 3200 , cover
ed by Insurance.
A special car on the Union Pacific ,
consisting of thirty cars loaded with
coal and beets met disaster near
Warnerville , nine cars being wrecked.
The track was torn up for a lung dis
tance. !
News has been received in Plafts-
mouth irorn Rawlins , Wyo. , to the
effect that John Murnrn , a former
Piattsmouth saloonkeeper who was
arrested at that place several months
; > go for shooting a man during a
quarrel , had been acquitted.
John Larson , who was taken to the
Hastings asylum from Lincoln , es-
ciped from the ollicers during the
trip and wandered through the coun
try to Blue Hill , where he was taken
in charge by a farmer and taken to *
Red Cloud.
For some time past thieves have
been operating in and around Ne-
b aska Cit and have taken several
head of cattle but last Saturday they ,
took ten bed of fine hei/ers from L
A. Kropp's pasture. No trace of
missing stock can be found and par-
t es are scouring the cf untry.
The cylinder hiad of the engine afc'
the Wirt Milling company's plant at
Tecurnseh blew out Saturday night ,
damaging the engine to that extent
hat a new machine will have to ba
supplied. G. W. WnD is in Lincoln
mid Omaha icoking for a new en
gine. No damage of consequence
was done to the mill building.
A team driven by an old gentle
man named Young , with three
grandsons , was struck by a switching
i rain near Norfolk and the wagon de
molished" , one horse killed , the young
men thrown off the track and the old
man between the rails. The car rvas
derailed and thrown across the track ,
to which fact the old geatleman
awes his life
Frank Schmehr of Beaver Crossing
svas fond gui.ty in the district court
in two charges of selling intoxicating
liquors without a license , and was
issessed a fine of 8200 in each case ,
: his being the second time he has
acen before the court for failing to
iake out a license. He took an ap-
aeal to the supreme court and fur-
lished bond.
A proposal has been made by which
Kearney will gain a new industry in
i strawboard factory , to be operated'
) n a very extensive scale. The plan
s to merge the canal and water pow-
: r and the old cotton plant and
iquip the large buildings of the lat-
; er with high grade paper mill ma-
: hinery. All sorts of strawboard
ttndncts are to be manufactured if
he plan is carried out. It is backed
)7 strong capital.
The plant of the Sioux City Beet ,
lyrup and Preserving company has
ieen absorbed by the Great Western
ieet Sugar company , a wing of the
teet sugar trust. The capital stock
yas increased from 8100,000 to S200-
00 , and the additional $100,000 was
aken by the trust. This money
? ill be used to construct a complete
lucnse factory here , which will em-
iloy 150 men and use 1,000 pounds of
orn daily.
CASTOR IA
For Infants and Children.
Die Kind You Have Always Bought
Bears the
Signature of
