IHE VALENTINE DEMOCRAT I. ML BICE , Publisher. NEBRASKA , V Beware of the hyphenated syndicate ! Woman's idea of domestic economy is to Induce her husband to give up smok- Uany a man's love for his club is due the fact that his wife never gives her v'V- * a holiday. In order to keep the score straight , we may have to devise a sj'slem of ragging Ibe earthquakes. Self-made men , like home-made fur- vrftore , may be strong and reliable , but fthe .polish is usually lacking. Underlying the latest successful rev- rintion in the Dominican Republic was 3 found , of course a government con 5 tract. Mrs. Kate Tlivsou Marr t intimate * jfcat God thought twice before ( unking Woman. It would be ungallant to iuti- tostc that first thoughts are best. One hundred and seventy-two species tit blind creatures are known to sci- occ , exclusive of young people in their golden dream of love. Carnegie finds it "easy to get money and hard to spend it. " Those whose txperieuce coincides with his will have 1 stand up if they expect to be counted. fl. Benjamin Andrews has published pamphlet in which he says morality l e taught without religion , Per- it can , but it seldom seems to stick .Weil. governor of Martinique who re- -fased to let the people flee before it toas too late probably had the public KDiccholder's desire to hang on to his job the last minute. With the vivid description of the Ifowd of fire descending on the Lesser Antilles fresh m mind , it requires no it amount of Imagination to eucom- the horrors of the old-fashioned rtfcodox judgment day. Thread lightly. Says the Troy Times : "The varnish on a globe two feet In dl- owter is thicker , comparatively to the * o4y It surrounds , than the crust of the earth which we know anything about is to ttie center of the plant. V ' O e of the leaders of the new move 4 ment for the elevation of womankind 1 jtres this advice to girls : "Never mar > * ry a man who turns down the gas. " she has tried It herself and rs what she Is talking about. lohn D. Rockefeller , Jr. , has been jblUnrr to his Sunday school class about ' Wfirrm in life , and he is no doubt com petent authority on the subject Like fae young king in the story , Mr. Rorke- tcAer "graciously consented to be born' ' lad thereby achieved instant success In Jfe. don't write , " the treasurer of Che savings bank said gently to the old eatored woman. "Just touch the pen. " i did so , her business was concluded her feelings were spared. The fficer might has said. "You cun't write. " and that would have been true ; tat the difference between plain truth md considerate truth Is sometimes us marked as the distinction between a fcoor and a gentleman. The late Mr. Morton , Secretary of Agriculture under President Cleve land , was active in many fields , and performed with credit the duties of many responsible positions ; but it is as theoriginator of Arbor Day that he will he remembered longest and most grate fully. The setting apart of one day in the year for the planting of trees was lite suggestion. He worked for the suc cess of the Idea 'with hearty and untir ing zeal , and no man could ask a better monument than the trees which his ef forts helped to plant. A New York paper estimates the "ho ld population" of the city to be 100.000. and says that it is growing at the rate of 10,000 a year. When one considers -the lack of domesticity which attends life In a hotel , ths loss of civic inter est and the narrowing influence upon growing children evils which are sup plementary to that of the congestion of population one thinks of the remark of the old lady who figured In a recent an- .ecdote. "No stomach can stand nine buns , " she said , wlten asked why the small boy was crying. Some time , per haps , New York ( nay have an acute attack of indigestion. The dramatic circumstances of Gen eral Palimfs life1 his flight from Cuba ns a proscribed revolutionist thirty years ago and his return as the first President of a free couutry have been generally exploited In the papers iu the I past few weeks. It Is evident that the il ! XJubans themselves are awake to the picturesque character of the episode , for one day was set apart for general jnournlug throughout the island , out of respect to the memory of the new Pres- Ideut's mother. Her remains were di - .dnterred from the grave where they . -were secretly burled thirty-four years " ago , and Interred again at Cauto ; and % over the new grave the people of the igwn have erected a monument , the 1t crlptiou on which is both a fine trib- te to a mother and a striking example of the poetic feeling of a southern peo- rte. It reads us follows : "Oandeieria Ml here , tired and atck , following her son , who was fighting foi the liberty of his country. For thiriy years you have slept. The people ot Cauto have come to awaken you , and to say your son has come , his head bouiul with laurels as a reward for his vir tues , to tike away your precious rei mains. Arise : your country is free anj in the hands of your son ! " How to make the official home of tha President of the United States , built a century ago , answer presentds.needs , has long ben a serious problem. Various plans for enlaring the White House have failed of adoption , chiefly because of the sentiment that properly attaches to th'i walls of the historic old house. It seems almost sacrilege to change them. The plan wliich is now com manding attention proposes to with draw from the White House the execu tive ollices , or the working-rooms of the President , which occupy about one- third of the second-floor space of the building. The private rooms of thu President's family occupy the other two-thirds ; most of the first floor Is given up to public and official uses. If the clerks , telegraphers , copyists and messengers who work at the White House , numbering thirty in all , were transferred to a separate building de signed exclusively for office purposes , the space now given to them could be turned into family uses , adding materi ally to the comfort of the occupants of the White House. The new building would ? > e reached from the Whlto House through the conservatories , on its west side , and would be temporary iu character , awaiting the erection of a inoro imposing structure on a near- by square. These are perhaps the sim plest changes that could be made for the relief of the White House. It would still be the home of the President , and to it his social and family guests would go. Foreign ambassadors and minister would be introduced to him In one of its parlors. Tourists would still be adj rnitted to the East Room and otheu parts of the first floor. Only callers on , official business would have to seek th ( } new building , either temporary or peri inanent Such a structure has no sen timental associations , but that Is a dw feet which time might make rapid work iu curing. Those ardent expansionists who im agine the country is overcrowded and who are unfamiliar with the extent ol ! the unoccupied public domain will doubtless be surprised at the statement that one-third of the whole of the Uni < ted States , exclusive of Alaska , coin slsts of vacant public laud , much olj which Is extremely fertile , capable ofl sustaining a vast population. This landj however , Is lacking in the one essenj tlal element to agriculture , that of wa ter. Frederick "Haynea Newell , whi has made an exhaustive study of tha subject of reclamation of and publlu lauds , claims that It Is now no longea possible for a settler to go out upon the public domain and make a home fop the reason that all available sources of water supply that can be utilized by private ownership have been drawn uiKn for reclnirning arid land. Private enterprise has gone as far as it can iu utilizing the smaller .streams , but them still remain great rivers and torrential floods , the control 'of which must bq assumed oy the government. It Id urged by Mr. Newell and other advo cates of national reclamation that thu government should not actually Irrlgato the dry lands , but that it should tako measures at once to protect the moun tain sources of these streams and floodn to the end that they may be ultimately utilized by private enterprise. At leasl } 40 per cent of the area of the United States requires irrigation for success fully producing plants. In 1890 a littlo over three and one-half million acres were cropped by irrigation. In the suci feeding ten years this area was dou bled. Since 18IVJ , however , there havo been comparatively few notable works of irrigation built. The probable acre4 iige that could be reclaimed by irriga tion is placed by Mr. Newell at 100,000- XK ) . The possibility of this area as a' place for home-builders and as a mar ket for manufacturers and jobbers la ifniost beyond estimate. It is argued Lhat the nation alone Is in a position tq . onscrve the water supply through for jst reservations on the summits ofj nountains and through the building of jroat reservoirs that are beyond the each of private enterprise. Settler Homesteaded a Courthouse. The traveler over the Kansas prairies Inds many towns that once had water tvorks systems now containing only a loxen people. The fire plugs are stick- njr out in the buffalo grass , and they ire the playgrounds of prairie dogs tnd the roosting places of prairie owls , rhe tendency to clean up the deserted juildlngs Is taking away many of ; hese features. The court house of vital was Garfield County has recently HM'omo the property of H. Herman , ind he lives in the sumptuous build- ng. which did not cost him a cent , as le homestoaded the quarter section ifter the county organization was ibandonod Leslie's Weekly. ISxporienuc Had Taught Him. She I often wonder how you man- ige to dash off those exquisite little HKMUS of yours. And what a lot of iioney you must make ! The Poet ) h , it is very easy ! I sit down , say , u January , and think until about Au gust or September. Then in November > r December , when the poem is com peted , I sell it for a guinea , or some- imes as much as two. " Coining Moorish Money. The Moorish government has granted o France a contract for the coining of 3,000,000 worth of Moorish money. Ever notice that .some days bori etu t ckaoe you narttcuinriy hr47 SUPPOSE WE SMILE. HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM THE COMIC PAPERS. Pleasant Incidents Occurring World Over Sayings that Are Cheer ful to Old or Young Funny Selec tions that Everybody Will Enjoy. "I wouldn't marry the best man on earth , " said the fair female , who nad been up against a game of solitaire for some forty odd summers. "Huh ! " growled the old bachelor. " ' - see no reason why you should have permitted that remark to escape. I didn't ask you to make my life a bur den. " A Difficult Case. First Lawyer How did you come out a .settling up old Gotrox's estate ? Second Lawyer It was a hard strug gle1. First Lawyer No ! Second Lawyer Yes ; I had hard work to keep the heirs from getting part of the estate. Not That Kind. Bobby You're what they call a lady killer , aren't you , Mr. Sissy ? Mr. Sissy ( complacently ) An' d'ye think so , Bawby ? "You must be. Sister Ethel said that after you left last night she nearly died a-laughing. " , Very Useful. "Yes , " remarked the chief of detec tives , "I think it is a good thing that there are such things as dime novels and cigarettes. " "You do ? " asked the surprised call er. "Yes , because if it were not for them we would have some trouble in attrib uting the cause of youthful degener acy. " Unsettled. "So the new boarder told the laud- lady's fortune by a coffee cup. What did he say ? " "Well , he said he could tell by the grounds that she would lose some boarders very shortly. " A Mystery , Indeed. Stubb There goes a man who is full of mystery. Peun You don't say ! Stubb Yes , he just ate a bowl of chop suey. Not Very Kncou raffing ; . Reggy 1 just put my last cent on that horse. Tom I would have saved one cent , Reggy ; you may need some chewing gum going home. Rare Specimen. He It isn't always safe to judge by appearances , you know. She Quite true. I once knew a young man who wore a yacjhting cap and who really owned a boat. What Did She Mean ? "Ah , Miss Franklelgh , " exclaimed the young man with the noisy tie as he approached the hammock in which the fair one reclined , "all alone , I see. " "Yes. " she answered , briefly. "Don't you know , " continued the ad dition to the scenery , "that I find my own company an awful bore. " "What a remarkable coincidence , " observed the fair contents of the ham mock. "So do I. " Still Hunting. "So you can't find work at your trade. Poor man ! What is your trade ? Wright Bower I curries horses for automobile companies. Cruel of Her. "They tell me that fish Is good for the bwain , " said Keggy Sapp. "Have rou anything to suit me ? " "We have canned lobster , " respond ed the pretty clerk in the grocery de- Dartment. On the Veranda. " 1 know why your mouth is so sweet" said the young man. gazing in apture at her pretty red lips. "And why ? " she whispered. "Because your teeth are preserved. " \ml for the compliment she gare him in even dozen kisses. in the Cup. First Passenger ( on the car to race rack ) I always enjoy this ride. Second Passenger So do I. But , say , lon't you dread the long walk back ? As to the Singer. "So she said my voice went right lirough her ? " "I guess so ; at least she said If bored ler. " Between Friends. Sue Frank says I am a "bird. " Mnyme Well , all I have to say is , he * jery poor ornithologist . Dernier Resort. Lawyer So you want a divorce , Client Yes. lawyer But I thought you Ived your wife ? Client I do. ' Lawyer And she loves you ? ' Client Cortalnly. Lawyer Then why do you want a divorce ? Client Her income isn't large enough to support me. L.ncky Escapes. "There goes a baseball man who haa made the most runs this season. " "H'm ! What position does he play ? "Oh , he's umpire. He was running for his life. " Proof Positive. "I suppose you set a good table ? " remarked the man who was looking for board. "Well , " replied the landlady , "three of my regular boarders are laid np with the gout" Cautious. Dr. Bill ( meeting former patient ) Ah , good morning , Mr. Jones. How are you feeling this morning ? Mr. Jones Say , doctor , does it cost anything if I tell you ? Easily Arranged. Wife ( angrily ) And am I never to have my own way about anything ? Husband ( calmly ) Certainly , my dear. When we agree you may have your way , but when we disagree I'll have mine. Kxchance of Views. He I wouldn't think of marrying a girl who didn't love me. She And I wouldn't think of loring a nmii who didn't marry me. Not So Much. Sandy Dis paper says dat some of de old kings used to sleep in a bed of flowers. Cinders Dat's nuthin' . I slept In a flower bed meself last night Had the Symptoms. Biggs Is Upson a self-made man ? Diggs Yes ; I guess so. Hhi mar is something fierce. Aud It's Incurable. Judge What is your profession ? Witness I'm a poet , your Honor. Judge Huh ! That's not a profes sion ; it's a disease. He Knew Her. Mrs. Gabbleton ( at the seashore ) i Must I keep my mouth closed rrhlle in the water ? Gabbleton Yes , if possible. a Bargain. More Patience than Patient * . " 'So you are practicing medicine , eh ? ' said the person who always thinks i is up to him to say something. " Not exactly , " replied the young M D. , with an ingrown sigh. "I'm prac tictng patience. " A Scientific Fact. Doctor Speaking of your trouble with your husband , do you know that it is a scientific fact that meat causes bad temper ? Mrs. Le Jarr Oh , yes , I have noticed It always does , and especially when it's burnt. Reason Knottjrh. "What reason is there for the notion that it is especially unlucky to marry in May ? " " 1 don't know , unless it is that an especially large number of people have leen married in May. " Not Soothing : . "Whenever I'm inclined to lose iny : emper , " said the philosophic man , " 1 ust think to myself , 'Oh , there's no USQ jetting mad. ' ' t "So do I , " replied the excitable per son , "and that makes me all the mad- ier. " Avoiding Shop. Clara It's really too bad about Ma- > el , isn't it ? Maude I don't know. What is it ? Clara Why , shecan't play golf igain this season. Maude Has she injured herself ? Clara No. but she's engaged to a nanufacturer of golf sticks and it vould not be good form , you know. Touch Proposition. Farmer's Wife I thought you said ou were hungry. Weary Willie Dat's wot I sed- iia'am. " Farmer's Wife Then why don't you * it that piece of steak I gave you ? Weary Willie Dat's all right , ma'am. ht"t In French , liss Vera Oldmayden rras liardly to blame For feeling as prond as a queen ; v ) n the swell hotel register after her name The gallant clerk wrote , "Suite 16. " The Size of It. "The principal ingredient in all those latent medicines is the same. " "It must be a powerful drug. What " if" i 11 * "Printer's ink. " Town and County. Just Preparing. "Excuse me , " said the tourist on the ranscontinental train , ' 'but your cigar burning holes in your hat. " "That's all right , pard , " responded be cowboy. "You see , I'm going East n' folks tbar don't think much of a. rancher' unless he has bullet hole * la ii ht" TALKING ABOUT WIDOWS the Preacher's Text Jnst Fitted Jake * way's Case "Talking about Bidders , " said th * man with the stogie ; "talking about bidders , did I ever tell you about Jakeway and the Wldder Barstow ? " Now there hadn't been a word said about widows , but as the man with the Stogie looked hard at a meek little fel low , the latter replied : "No. sir , you never did. " "Well , " said the man with the stogie , "Jakeway was a character one o' those you read about. He'd lived alou < for years. When he was a young inai. he had been disappointed In love , 'i something , and from that time he'd been sour a reg'lar woman-hater. And the particular object of his dislike was the Widder Barstow , aggressive from her head to her heels. The very sight of her to old Jakeway was like the waving of a red flag to a bull. "They useter go to the same church , but the iishers knew the situation well enough to put a goodly portion of the sanctuary between them. Unfortunate ly on one Sunday there was a new usher. The opening service was well under way and Jakeway was In a pew by himself well down towar.l the fru.it. when down the aisle came the new usher with the widder trailing along In his wake nnd he handed her into Jake- way's pew. "The old man gave one look as the figure rustled In , " said the man with the stogie , according to the New York- Mail and Express , 'then he gathered up his umbrella , his hat. his bandanna and his prayer book and cleared the back of the pew in front with the ugll- Ity of a boy. And just as ho landed on the front seat the preacher gave out his text : "There hath no evil befallen jou but such as In common to man. but < ! od will with the temptation also make o way of escape/ " Joke on Both of Them. President John Henry Barrows of Oberlln College in a recent Interview tells how Mrs. Barrows has been con vinced that insurance Is something more than a "matter of paying premi ums. " Mrs. Barrows , the professor said , had scoffed so frequently at tlio Insurance business that he permitted his insurance policies to lapse. > One day , however , be was persuaded by an energetic agent to take out a ue\v ol- Icy. Icy.That That very afternoon Oberliu wu : thrown into the greatest excitement by the appearance of clouds of smoke pouring from the windows of the presi dent's residence. After the chemical extinguishers hnd done their work : i was found that a whole closetful ut Mrs. Barrows' best gowns had fed tha flames started from an overheated : haflng dish. The loss was promptly paid .Mid Or. Barrows said be got keen enjoyment from Mrs. Barrows' change of heart. & .n additional twhikle came into hta * ye , says the New York Mall and J'J.x- jress , when he read this letter : "John Hen 17 Barrows. D. 1) . I'resl- lent Oberlin College : Dear Sir Indus- Kl find draft for $300. We note that : his policy went into effect at noon jud fire did not occur till 4 o'clock , SVhy this delay ? " Another Flame. A man who had lost his much-beloved vife consulted a stone mason In regard o the erection of a tombstone with a > uitable epitaph. After having a uum- > er of lines suggested , he finally soloct- sd the following : "The light of my life las gone out. " A short time afterward the widower ell in love with a very charming girl , o whom he became engaged. He 1m- uediately felt concerned about the epi- apb upon the tombstone of his former fife , and again consulted the st ne aason , to whom he explained their - umstauces , and stated that the epitaph rould have to be changed. He intended o leave town , returning on the day of he wrdding , and implored the mason 5 take the matter in hand and alter be epitaph so that the feelings of his rospective wife would not be hurt , 'his the mason promised to do , Mid rhen the widower returned he visited tie grave at once , finding that the ma- on had been true to his word , the cp > - iph now appearing : "The light of my fe has gone out , but I have another latch. " Philadelphia Times. Counsel Collapsed. A case was recently heard in the ourts of Justice in which the plain- ff had testified that his financial poc > i- . on hnd always been good. The Ue- Hiding counsel wished to break down is testimony upon this point. "Have you ever been bankrupt ? " sked he. "I have not , " was the answer. "Now , please be careful did you rcr stop payment ? " "Ob , yes ! " "Ah ! And when did that happen ? " "When I paid all I owed ! " A Stndy in Vanity. They were talking of the vanity of omen , and one of the few ladles pres it undertook a defense. "Of course , " ie said , "I admit that all women arc 3I iin. The men are not But , by the 3P ay , " she suddenly broke off. "tha P jcktie of the handsomest man in the t om is climbing up under his ear. " v She bad worked it. Every mnn pres- t tt put bis hand up to his neck. a. American Proportions. "How can jou plough straight fur- ws over such an enormous cornfield this ? " asked the tourist , who had iver been in Kansas before. 'That's ' easy , " said the native. "We U How the parallels of latitude and the eridians of longitude. " a man contracts expensive bits hh income needs Tied tbe Wrong That Camden is as wide awake as She rest of the world is shown by an Incident which occurred a few days ago ! n that town. The woman of the house was called to the door and found a man there with whom she bad the follow ing conversation : "Madam , I have called for the suit of clothes to be pressed and brushed. " "What suit ? " "Your husband's Sunday suit. He called at the shop going down town this morning. " "And he said to let you have it ? " "Yes ma'am. ' * "Did he appear in good health ano - spirits ? " , "Why certainly. " "And look and act naturally ? " "Of course , but why do you ask ? " "Because my husband has been dea6 for two years and I had somecurioaitj on the subject. " ' Perhaps I've made a mistake. " "Perhaps you have. The man you saw goinj ? out of here this morning it my brother. Good morning. " And the man left. Philadelphia Telegraph. What Might Have Beem. Sonoma , Mich. , July 21. Mr. Delo * Hutchins of this place says : "If I could have had Dodd's Kidney Pills 25 years ago I would not now b crippled a I am. " Mr. Hutchins spent from 1861 t 18G4 In the swamps of Louisiana as > northern soldier 'and with the resulf that he contracted Rheumatism , Tfbicty gave him much pain till Mr. Fred Par * ker. the local druggist , advised him to * try Dodd's Kidney Pills. The first tw boxes did not seem to help him very much , but Mr. Parker , knowing that Dodd's Kidney Pills would eventually cure him , pressed Mr. Hutchins to con tinue , and by the time four boxes wer * used the short , sharp , shooting pain * which had tortured his back , hip and legs were entirely gone. Mr. Hutching says : "I cannot tell you how much fcett ter I am feeling. If It were not tor the way my hands , feet and knees arq drawn out of shape I would toe as good ae ever. In a case of emergency it is times advisable to reward the arj who helped you to emerge. . j" ' kr . Wlimlow's EOOTHHm KrRUIfor teething , * oft ns the frumi. reduces Infl tlo llaye rain , ttiimv tail colic. 15t : bottlo. Yassilissa Ivanovna , an old peasant woman , now living at St. Peterebmrf is 117 years old. She was a marriwj woman when Napoleon invaded 5la. HALL'S CATARRH CURK is taken internally. Price 75 cents ; . The Salvation Army claims that n divorce has been granted to any ne married under its auspices in tht thirty-five years of its existence * Use the famoni Red Cron Ball Bint. Largv 2-oz. package 5 centa. The Rn s South Bend , Ind. Torchon lace of any pattern , can now be made by one machine , owing to recent invention in Vienna. Dou't forget a large 2-oz. package ed ro * Ball Blue ouly fi cent * . The BUM South Bend , Ind. Over 1,000 bunches of grapes ippeared on a vine now growing Boren , in the Tyrol. A woman's gymnasium , to cost XX ) , will be built at the University ofr Chicago. l > o Your Feet Acne and Bvr 7 Shake into jour thoes Alltn's as * . a powder for the f eL It makf * . JKht or New Shoes feel Eagy. Care * .orns Bun.ons , Swollen , Hot * * Jweating Feet At all Druppiate * * > hoe Stores , 25c. Sample ent FBEB. Lddrew Alton S. Ohr-t l Roy. K. Y Girls who make the greatest exer- ions to catch husbands are usually ast in the race. Pisa's Cure for Consnmptien pro&ntl ? lievca my little 5-year-old sister oi roup-Miss L. A. IVarce. 23 Fillip treet. Brooklyn. N. Y.f Oct. 2. 1901. Bear Skeleton filled ith Honey. * The well preserved skeleton ofI irge bear , whose skull was filled with everal pounds of honey , deposited here by bees that had turned it into hive , was discovered the other day y John and James Osterhort of Sher-f lan , fa. , as they were sawing a large ollow beach woofl log. One of the Philadelphia papers di- Dvers "that there is no law in Penin flvania prohibiting the nomination f honest and intelligent men for th * 'Sislature. " lihtibarb. Wash the rhubarb , peel it and ut ato pieces one inch long. Rhubarb hould always be cooked in a double oiler. pt in two tablspoonfuls of > ld water nd on < > quart of cut rhu- arb. Let this rook until the rhubarlj i soft , and sweeten to taste. Sora ersons do not like the fnll flavor of ie rhubarb , and add tn-o cnpfuls of ater to render it less sharp. Wheo lis is done more sugar should b * loed. Heavy. "Germany's drink bill amounts t * ,000,000 a year , " said th * man wit * ie paper. "There's liquidation for you , " adde te commentator. Philadelphia Nortt meriean. ITS