FROM
OUR COLONIES.
Porto Hico.
English dictionaries are in greater de-
miand than any other commodity.
More thsui half of the Porlo Iticaiis live
on less than live cents a day.
Skilled hiborers , such as bricklayers ,
carpenters and plumbers , earn GO cents
* a day.
Rents have gone up in San Juan and
> .prices of real estate have mounted sky-
ward.
\ Polygamy exists to a great extent. It
' Vis not uncommon for one man to have two
I'i s or three families.
Until a few weeks ago prisoners wore
shackles that had been "K-lded on their
ilimbs. But Gen. Henry gave the order
that the shackles should be filed off and
no more cruelty practiced.
A resident of Porto Rico , desiring to go
/to Europe , asked the State Departing' . :
.at Wasbjnglon for a passport and was ii :
formed that the request could not I.
granted because , until Congress takes ac
tion in reference to the annexation of
Porto Rico , the inhabitants of that island
cannot be regarded as American citizens.
The Porto Rican way of burying the
dead is curious. A coflin is rented for the
corpse to be carried to the cemetery. Two
or four natives carry it on their heads or
fastened to two bamboo poles. The corpse
.is taken our of the coffin and buried about
two feet. If the rent for the burial lot Is
mot paid within a certain time the body
iis dug up and thrown away.
Cubit.
'Baseball games are played daily.
Traces of gold have been found in the
province of Porto Principe.
Five Havana newspapers advocate an
nexation to the United States.
A Cuban radish grown this year near
Manacas weighed eight pounds.
Half a dozen American women are earning -
/ing a living as stenographers in Havana.
There are fifty-four ports in the island ,
but only fifteen are open to the world's
commerce.
No one can be admitted to the bar who
7 has not a diploma from the University of
Havana.
For the first time in the memory of the
oldest inhabitant there is no yellow fever
sin Havana.
Since the American occupation theuuin -
ber of pawnshops in Santiago has increas
ed from two to six.
Nearly all the volunteers are now out of
Cuba. Tht immunes at Santiago will be
the last to leave.
Women are now able to dine alone in
: restaurants a thing that was never pos
sible under the old regime.
Fitting ' .vork for women is scarce.
Cooking ami washing is monopolized by
men. American employment of women in
the Havana postoflice has been received
-vitli disapproval by the men.
Philippines.
At least forty American lawyers are
endeavoring to earn ; i living in Manila.
Since the American occupation over -JOO
saloons have been opened in Manila.
Montana soldiers have found indications
of gold while at work in the trenclu s.
Dewey's flag was the first of a full ad-
miiral to be Ilung to the breeze in Asiatic
waters.
Spanish officers are returning home ai-l ;
all have large quantities of native gold ,
which they say is plentiful in the moun
tain streams.
Malolos is less than thirty mill's from
Manila , yet day after day the American
-columns advanced through towns am
cities of from 1,000 to 10.000 population
The eighty-three officers * wives who fir
rived on the Morgan City were not al
lowed to land , as Gen. Otis thought IIL
"had women and children enough to pro
tect.
tect.The
The rainy season in the Philippines is
not the deadly thing that it is down in the
Antilles. There is some fever , of course
"but nothing like there is in Calm un l"i
-similar conditions.
A. Furman Heiden has established :
monthly magazine known as the Philip
l ine Monthly. Woodcuts of scenes of in
terest in the Island of Luzon are produc
ed , and stories by naval officers and oth-
arc published.
Alaska.
'Some of ihe Alaska Indians eat mos
quitoes.
Wood is ? 15 a cord. Last year it was
$60.
Consul McCook says winter at Pawson
sis preferable to summer.
The cod"st ! weather of tiie winter at
.Dawson was 50 degrees below zero.
Among the Indians the woman who out
lives her husband and doesn't marry be-
vcomes a slave.
Lieut. Castuer reports that the number
'Of Indians has been greatly reduced by
McClarty's body was carried for burial
< } > y his four partners over the frozen trail
lo Dawson. twenty-liv miles away.
There are no dentists in the Alaskan
capita ! . u jewelers , except the cit'.dfst
--artisans among the Indians , no photog
raphers. dressmakers , nor milliners , no !
even an midertak"r , and only a seml-occa-
shoemaker.
Gun in. ,
Pnily concerts are to be given by the
Governor's band.
. \ merit-tin immigratKiii has been infiui-
: iv.siuinl.hue the island was captured.
Regular < eamship communication with
ribe Uniuil SJjles has not yet been estab
lished.
Nme-jcj- ! the islanders can read
find write , and it is reported that they : uo
, rapdly ; k- . . . ! ! : ! : Eiiglixh.
Hawaii.
"Nearly uiK-tonth of the population are
Eighty-four per cent of the native ila-
< wniiuns : ire able to read and write.
There h.i- < been a decrease in the immi-
. - jiration ot" Americans. Scores ot IMO--I-
who cHnf immediately after am 'xatioi
- . nrein iKm-rJy and unable lu return to
i the malu'and.
The pn ial savings banks have nearly
I 11.0(10 ( < 5fpaiiors. with nearly .Sl.OOO.UUU
t < their t icd-t. There is some dem.nul I'or
tin.- oonrJu-.iaiK-c of Ihe system imdur
.Ai' ' 'riea. : rule.
OBSERVANCE OF MEMORIAL DAY
Graves of American Soldiers Every
where Are Decorated.
The Memorial Day services at the Ar
lington national cemetery at Washington
were made especially notable by the pres
ence of the President of the United States
and most of the members of his cabinet.
The crowd was larger than at any other
observance in recent years , owing , doubt
less , to the interest taken in Memorial
Day exercises on account of the newly
made graves of soldiers of the Spanish-
American war.
Memorial Day was observed at the na
tional cemetery at Chattanooga , where
nearly 15,000 Union soldiers lie buried ,
by joint exercises , under the auspices of
the G. A. R. and soldiers of the Spanisli-
American war. A large number of the
latter who died at Chickamauga are
buried in the national cemetery.
At Knoxville , Tenn. , impressive exer
cises were held in honor of the nation's
dead. The national cemetery , containing
2,198 known and 1,048 unknown dead ,
was filled by patriotic people from over the
central South. Each grave received a
floral tribute , several ex-Confederates as
sisting in the distribution. Defenders o
the Union from thirty States lie within
the ten-acre inclosure , which also in
cludes a score of victims of the Spanish
war.
Memorial Day was very generally ob
served throughout Nebraska , and espe
cially at Omaha. The exercises there were
more elaborate than anything of the kind
for years. The effect of events transpir
ing since last Memorial Day was plainly
apparent in the unusual interest manifest
ed in the exercises.
All business was suspended in Manila
m honor of the day set aside to decorate
the graves of American soldiers. Ser
vices for the dead were held in Pace cem
etery in the morning , and in the afternoon
at Battery Knoll cemetery. Great crowds
from Manila attended both services. The
American soldiers , bearing wreaths of
green and white , marched to the ceme
teries with the regimental bands playing
slow music. Following the soldiers came
marines and sailors from the American
tranships. Gen. Otis and staff , Captain
Barker in temporary command of the
squadron , and the members of the United
States- Philippines commission , occupied
positions near the speakers at both ser
vices. Nearly all the English and Span
ish residents of Manila participated in the
ceremonies.
Soldiers of our two last wars joined in
making the New .York Memorial Day pa
rade the largest and most impressive that
the city has seen for many years.
The day was observed at Havana in
a notable manner. In the morning a com
mittee of women were taken to the wreck
of the battleship Maine , where they
strung the skeleton of the unfortunate
craft with ropes of laurel and wreaths of
flowers. Exercises took place at the Que-
rnados and Colon cemeteries. The day
was also observed at Santiago. The re
maining graves of American soldiers at
Las Guimas and sailors at Guantanamo
were appropriately decorated. Prominent
Cubans displayed interest , and many are
desirous of having the day officially rec
ognized as a holiday for the decoration of
the graves of the Cuban dead.
A large throng gathered in the ceme
tery of Picpus , at Paris , to assist in the
annual decoration by Americans of the
tomb of Lafayette. Interest in the occa
sion was enhanced by a speech from for-
aier President Benjamin Harrison.
Ten thousand men , including 2,000 sol
diers and sailors of the Spanish-American
war , marched in Chicago's Memorial Day
parade. The column was headed by mem
bers of the G. A. R. , followed by men who
fought in the recent war , the Illinois Na
tional Guard , and semi-military and civic
organizations.
MINISTER TO BELGIUM.
Lawrence Townseitd Transferred from
Lisbon to Brussels.
Lawrence Townsend of Pennsylvania
will succeed Bellamy Storer as United
States minister to Belgium when that gen
tleman leaves Brussels for Madrid. Mr.
Townsend is a polished diplomat and a
I.AWP.EXCE TOWXSKND.
lawyer of much culture. He is now at
Lhe head of the American mission at Lis
bon , Portugal. He showed that he was
made of diplomatic stuff when , as minister
to Portugal , he had to navigate through
the touchy times of the war with Spain ,
tie can speak nearly all tie languages of
Europe.
Told in a Few Lines * .
Sixteen cases of smallpox in Nicetown ,
legro st'burb of Philadelphia.
Natives in Alaska now kill otters. The
skins are worth $ GOO apiece.
Counterfeiting outfit was found in the
Irepntrec' Hotel. Shreveport , La.
Hank of England has subscribed $1,000
'or the sufferers in the Dawson tire.
A Iluntington. W. Vn. , plant is manu-
'acturing clay shingles. Eighty men are
m ployed.
Thomas Eves , -l. > . Versailles , Ivy. , was
Irowii'-d in the Kentucky river , at Li-
iinr ferry.
Claims by Hermans in Samoa lor in-
[ emnifuMtion for the destruction of prop-
'
rty in the recent bombardment have been *
fi't to the findings of tli3 Samoan eommis-
ion.
"Little Dick. ' ' said to be the shrewdest
inrglar ii : America , arrested in Detroit ,
n his possession were fifteen gold
ratcln-s. rjO diamonds and ninety-nine
irge ojials.
C'oaJmakers * Ueueiiciai Association of
Jau-innuti has be in incorporated by sweat
hop proprietors. Their purpose is to place
weat shops on a higher pluue , and evcuiu-
illy ai.mlioh iliem.
SILVER TO BE THE ISSUE.
Louisville Speakers Declare 16 to 1
IB the 1900 Hattlc Cry.
That free silver at 10 to 1 will be the
foremost issue in the Democratic national
platform next year was declared positively
by every speaker at the opening sessions
of the Ohio Valley League of Bimetallic
Clubs in Louisville. John P. Aitgeld of
Illinois , Congressman J. M. Robinson of
Indiana , Flavius J. Van Vorhis of Indian
apolis and James P. Tarvin of Kentucky ,
president of the league , addressed the del
egates. Each insisted that silver must be
kept to the front until victory crowns the
efforts of the bimetallists. Bryan senti
ment was evident , many declaring him
the only man to lead the silver forces tq
success.
Two meetings of the convention were
held one in the afternoon and the other
in the evening. James P. Tarvin was the
orator in the afternoon and John P. Alt-
geld in the evening. Both were plain in
their speech. They were for the 1C to 1
plank without change as the great issue
for the Democratic party in 1900 , and for
Bryan as the candidate.
The convention developed a movement }
to capture for Louisville the national
Democratic convention next year. The
prominent silver men of the vicinity in or
der to further the project asked the lead
ers of the party present to support the
Kentucky city and use their influence with
the national committee in the choice of the
meeting place.
A banquet to Judge Tarvin by the
Young Men's Democratic Club was given
at night , at which Mr. Bryan , John P.
Altgeld and other distinguished men were
present , and at which 300 plntes were laid.
Mr. Bryan responded to the toast , "The
Democratic Party. " Following Mr. Bry
an Charles K. Wheeler of Kentucky re
sponded to "The American Army and
Navy. " . David R. Murray of Kentucky
responded to the toast , "Shall we retain
the Philippines as a part of our permanent
possessions ? " Ex-Gov. John P. Altgeld
of Illinois responded to the toast , "Gov
ernment and Municipal Ownership of
Public Franchises. " Following Mr. Alt
geld , George Fred Williams of Massachu
setts responded to "The Money of the
Constitution. "
IOWA REGIMENT ATTACKED.
Two Men Wounded Near San Fernan
do Macabebea Enlisted.
The Filipino insurgents reoccupied the
lines around San Fernando , attacked thu
Iowa regiment's outposts and wounded
two men. Captain French took the re
mainder of the Twenty-second infantry
to Canadaba , the insurgents having ap
peared in considerable force thereabouts.
Capt. Wren of the Seventeenth infantry
has completed the enlistment of 100 na
tive Macabebes as scouts. The Macabebe
city of Pampauga , which was always
loyal to Spain , is now loyal to the Ameri
cans. They are always lighting Tagals ,
and now offer a regiment. By the reor
ganisation of troops , Gen. Lawton , with
the First division , now commands the Ma
nila defenses from Caloocan to Pasay ,
while MacArthur commands all north of
the headquarters to San Fernando.
SIX PEOPLE DROWN AT TOLEDO
Three Men and Three "Women Perish
Before Aid Reaches Them.
Late Wednesday night six persons were
drowned in the Maumee river abreast of
the most frequented dock in Toledo , while
hundreds of people listened to their cries
for help. Shortly after the pleasure steam
er Pastime passed down the sailors on
board the State of New York heard cries
for help coming from the river. The
steamer's searchlight was brought into
play , and it shoKd six persons three
men and three women struggling in the-
water , but there was no trace of a boat.
In a few minutes one of the steamer's
lifeboats started to the rest-no , but when
it had covered half the distance the
searchlight showed that all the struggling
people had disappeared.
Lieut. Col. Picquart's salary Is $3.00 a
day.
day.Carl
Carl Browne is preaching from Kansas
pulpits.
Gov. Stanley of Kansas smokes cubeb
cigarettes.
George Gould's chief delight is polo. He
rides horseback every day.
Amateur photography is the chief diver
sion of the Princess of AVales.
Xeosho , Mo. , has named its new public
school in honor of Eugene Field.
Joseph Hatton , the author and journal
ist , takes a ten-mile walk every day.
King Charles of Roumania has publish
ed his reminiscences in three volumes.
In her youth Virginia Fair Vanderbilt
ivas passionately fond of playing marbles.
Earl Rosslyn has followed the Earl of
SVarwick's example and incorporated him
self.
Rudyard Kipling is said to be the first
et who could afford to travel in a private
: ar.
Czarina Alix has become a golfer , and
vill introduce the game at the Russian
: ourt.
The Duchess of Sutherland is writing a
lovel. She will give the proceeds to
: harity.
Admiral Sampson weighs thirty pounds
ess than he did at the opening of the war
rith Spain.
Collis P. Huntington says that the best
ray to become rich is not to talk during
iiisiuess hours.
M. Delcasse , French minister of foreign
.ffairs. can speak all of the modern Euro-
eau languages.
Siam's crown prince is a student at Har-
ow , England. He is popular with his
chool fellows.
Henri Becque. the French playwright ,
rho died the other day , smoked on an
verage 200 cigarets a day.
Baroness Burdett-Coutts. who has just
elebrated her eighty-fourth birthday , has
fortune of $10,000,000.
For a while President McKiuley smok-
d a briar pipe , bnt found it as injurious
i its effects as cigars were.
Ian Maclaren has traveled 11,000 miles
i America , visited twenty-six States and
ictured in fifty-eight cities.
Franz Ebert , the Liliputian , was nat-
ralized in New York last week , when he
oreswore allegiance to the Kaiser.
PATHOS AND TEAGEDY
THE SORROWFUL LIFE OF A
CHICAGO GIRL.
She Shot Her Deceptive Friend and
Took Her Own I/ife The Unsatisfied
Yeaaninc of a Poetic Soul that Was
Ever in Sorrow.
The news reports recently told how a
Chicago girl named Burke bad shot her
deceptive friend , while he sat at the
piano singing a love song , and then
tilled herself. She loved him , and
when the terrible truth came to her
that he was already married , she made
the effort to end his existence and her
own. She sleeps to-day in a little Mich
igan graveyard.
The story of Mabel Burke's life is un
like most of those which end so trag
ically. Few even of the heroines of
fiction had endured more'of sorrow and
of trouble than this girl. Thrown from
babyhood upon the mercies of the
world , she experienced only sorrow and
wardships and illness , until , driven des
perate by the last wrong , she ended all.
Hers was a life of pathos linked with
* III
MABEL IJU.KKE.
romance and tragedy. Her friends say
diat her life was as pure as that of the
2hiLdreu and the flowers she loved so
well.
well.Mabel
Mabel Burke came into this world
jvith the misfortune of having a sister
twt eleven months older than herself
ind a mother who had no love for chil
dren. The mother's love was never
aroused b3' the prattling Mabel , and
while yet too young to understand its
Import the baby was given away. The
2hild's grandmother took her filially ,
and it was at her home that Mabel
spent her girlhood. The elderly woman
was poor , and when it became time for
her charge to start to school the little
girl was compelled to work and earn
the money with which to buy her books
and pay other expenses. Thus she
passed through the various grades of
the country school , and having finally
finished its course she went to a college
town and found employment. There
her musical talents were developed
and , gaining the sympathy of one of
her professors , she was assisted to com
plete a course. She had also by per
sonal application learned stenography
and bookkeeping.
About seven years ago the family
with whom she had boarded during her
struggles in the college went to Chicago
and she accompanied it. The young
woman was now talented and ambi
tious. Her applications for employment
were of a higher order than those of
most stenographers and she was suc
cessful. The World's Fair was then in
existence and she went there for a posi
tion , and a few weeks later she was
accepted as a secretary to the Board
of Lady Managers and was provided
with apartments at Ihe Windemere
Hotel. When the fair ended she still
found lucrative work. Then the Presi
dential campaign came on and Miss
Burke became stenographer for Mark
Hanna , work in which she was regard
ed an expert.
Her acquaintance began to broatfsa ,
her wages were high and it looked at
last as if sunshine were to come into
her life. Her beauty made her a favor
ite in the small social circle in which
she moved. Then came illness. The
bloom left her cheeks , her frame wast
ed. The doctors told her that a tumor-
ous growth made an operation neces
sary. For nine months Miss Burke lay
in the hospital , and when she finally
flid return to her home , with sunken
cheeks and pale face , she was not en
tirely recovered. This fact saddened
her whole life , though she gradually
regained her former good looks and
went about quietly in the society in
which she had been accustomed to
move before her illness. She was bright
ind clever , a good musician and a strik
ingly pretty girl , and therefore was
much sought after , and had half a doz-
sn admirers. But to intimate friends
she confided upon her return from the
iiospital that she would never marry.
Finally she met David J. Wile , the 1
iltorney whose life she attempted to \
jnd. Their manner of meeting was
ilearly in the relationship of attorney
ind client. The young woman had be-
ome imbued with the idea that she had
2ause for a suit against a physician for
malpractice. It bore upon the opera
tion she had undergone. Wile allowed
tier to believe that there were some
tiopes for her to recover. They were
frquently in each other's company re
garding the matter. Their acquaint
anceship ripened Into friendship , and
when finally Wile had persuaded her
that she had no case he continued to
? all upon her.
He had found a bond of sympathy
between them. They were both lovers
Df mualc , and thus in this platonlc sort
of way they enjoyed each other's com
panionship. Months passed by and it
was no secret that Miss Burke's friend
ship for Wile had ripened into love.
Then came the story to the ears of
Miss Burke that Wile was already mar
ried. She sought out his wife and
learned from her lips that the rumor
was true. Her last hope vanished. The
deception , the wrong practiced upon
her was more than she could endure.
Discouraged and disheartened beyond
all reparation , she plotted her own
destruction and to take from the world
with her the man whom she Soved.
Meeting Wile by appointment , tl :
went together to the Hotel St. AV
thony and engaged the parlor with its
piano for a few minutes. Miss Burka
asked the man to play a love song they
had often admired and sung together ,
and as his fingers glided over the koya
and with the strains of the music ring
ing in her ears she shot him twice. He
fell from the stool , and , with the evi
dent impression that he was killed , she
turned the smoking revolver to herself
and sent a bullet through her heart
GRANT MONUMENT.
New Bronze Equestrian Statue of tm >
Great Commander in Philadelphia.
The heroic statue of Gen. Grant , cast
in bronze and erected in Fairmount
Park , Philadelphia , was recently un
veiled under the auspices of the Fair-
mount Park Art Association. The
statue is the work of Daniel Chester
French and Edward C. Potter , the for
mer being the sculptor of the figure
and the latter of the horse.
The artists chose for their motif a
moment when Grant was surveying a
battlefield from an eminence , intent
upon the operations of the forces be
fore him. The horse is merely obedient
to the will of the rider. They endeav
ored in the figure of Grant to give
something of the latent force of the
man , manifesting itself through per
fect passivity ; to portray the sphinx-
like character which has mystified all
who have studied him. Grant's cos
tume and its arrangement were chosen
from the few collections available with
a view to carrying out the impression
as forcibly as possible. The long cape
to the overcoat was adopted on the
authority of Gen. Fred Grant , who
says that his father wore one several
inches longer than was usual. The hat
was also made on his authority. The
height of the statue from bottom of
plinth to top of rider's hat is 15 feet 1
inch ; the size of the plinth is 5 feet
6 inches by 12 feet G inches. The total
weight of the statue is five tons.
The pedestal is built of pale pink
Jonesboro granite. Its total height to
the bronze plinth supporting the statue
is 15 feet 3 % inches. The pedestal Is
supported on a stop , Avhich supports a
seat entirely surrounding the molded
base of the monument. On this rests
PniT.ADKT.PHIA GF.ANT STATUK.
the die , a plain mass of granite , dimin
ishing toward the top with cons'der-
ible entasis and crowned with a mold-
id cornice and neck moldings. The
total cost of statue and pedestal was
? 32,675.35.
Superstitious Fisherman.
English herring fishermen are , many
) f them , remarkably superstitious. For
ustance , on some fishing boats whis
king is forbidden and neither milk nor
nirnt bread is allowed on board. Fur-
: hermore , not even the name of that
mlucky animal , the hare , may be men-
; ioned , and a common method of pun
suing an enemy is to throw a dead
lare into his boat. Some o ( the fisher-
nen believe in luck attending an odd-
lumbered crew , but the good form no
nay be neutralized should ne of the
lumber have red hair.
Use Tor AVaste.
The gases from blast furnaces , which
lave hitherto been wasted , are now
eing used for driving gas engines. In
Germany , where the experiment has
ieen tried , it is claimed that this neg-
ccted product is exceedingly econom-
cal and satisfactory , as i' costs but
ittle to secure the gas.
Strange Blood Poisoning.
A schoolgirl of Elizabeth. X. J. . died
rom blood poisouing. resulting from
ilows on her arm playfully inflicted
> y a schoolmate OB her birthday.
You don't respect a person verj > mich
f you are willing to play a "jokv" on
ilm.
Some women make a continued story
> f their troubles and recite a ehwpter
ivtjry time thtiy see a friend.
"Would you say 'honest politics Is/
or 'are ? ' " " 'Is , ' of course. Honest
politics Is always singular. " Indian
apolis Journal.
"So old Yabsley is dead , eh ? Well ,
well ! Did he leave anything ? " "Yes.
It broke his heart to do it , but he left
everything. " Tit-Bits.
Vera Goodhcart Mrs. Von Tauk Is a
great social light , isn't she ? Ida
Nownce Well , rather ! Regular Four-
Hundred scandal-power. Life.
Mrs. Captain Braggington My hus
band won renown on the tented field.
Sally Gay Why , I didn't know he had
ever traveled with a circus ! Puck.
In 1900 : Teacher Willie , tell the
class about the battle of San Juan.
Willie Up-to-Date Whose story do you
want Shaftor's or Davis' ? Brooklyn
Life.
Life.Biggs
Biggs I once wrote for Sribbler'a
Magazine. Boggs Did you ? Biggs-
Yes ; but they refused to send it to ma
unless I paid my subscription in ad-
vn uce. Ex.
McFingle Poor Broome ! He's gone ,
over to the silent majority. McFangle
Why I when did he is he dead ?
McFiugle Well , no ; but he's married.
Tit-Bits.
"Some day , " said the high-browed
young man , "I expect to have the
world at my feet. " "What have you
been doing all this time , " snarled the
cynic ; "walking on your hands ? "
Washington Star.
Mallaby Bragleigb boasts that no
living man could forge his name suc
cessfully to a check and get it cashed.
Has he such a very peculiar signature ?
Homans No ; but he hasn't any mon y
in the bank. Tit-Bits.
Dobbs There's a man who shavea
several times a day. Wiggin You
don't mean it ? Should think there'd
be nothing left of his face. Dobbs
It doesn't hurt his face at all. He is
a barber. Harlem Life.
"I should like to know when you are
going to pay that bill. I can't come
here every day in the week. " "What
day would suit you best ? " "Satur
day. " "Very well , then , you can call
every Saturday. " Tit-Bits.
Schoolmaster So , then , the reptile is
a creature which does not stand on
feet , and moves along by crawling on
the ground. Can any one of you boy's
name me such a creature ? Johnny-
Please , sir , my baby brother. Tit-Bits.
"Colonel , you swear positively that
your regiment never received a pound
of embalmed beef in Cuba. How is It
possible for you to be so absolutely .
certain ? " "Because my regiment never
got farther than Tampa , sir. " Detroit
Free Press.
"They's to be some kind of musical
doin's at our church next Wednesday
night. I've forgot wbat they call it. "
"Mebby it's a recital. " "Xo ; recitals is
for pianos. Our church has got an or
gan. 1 guess it's an orgy they're goin"
to have. " Exchange.
Papa See the spider , my boy , spin
ning bis web. Is it not wonderful :
Do you reflect , try as be may , no man
could spin that web ? Johnny What of
it ? See me spin this top ! Do you re
flect that , try as he may. no spider
could spin this top ? Household Words.
Would-be Swells at the Opera : First
Swell ( pretending to mistake tor a
waiter a rival whom be sees standing
in dress-clothes at the cloak-room of
the theater ) Ah ! have you a program ?
Second Swell ( up to snuff ) Thanks ,
my man , I got one from the other fel
low. Exchange.
"Johnny , ' " said a teacher to a South
Side grocery man's G-year-old , "a lie can
be acted as well as told. Now , if your
father would put sand in bis sugar and
sell it he would be acting a lie and do
ing very wrong. " "That's wbat moth
er told him. " said Johnny , impetuous
ly ; "and he said he didn't care. "
Columbus Journal.
"It's hard to be happy , once you've
got a reputation for saying sarcastic
things , " remarked the sadjyed man.
"What's the trouble ? " "I've lost an
other friend. I complimented him J
being the most cool-headed person
ever saw. He took it as an allusion
to the fact that he is totally bald. "
Washington Star.
Inventor I've hit a money-making
thing at last. The preachers will go
wild over it , and it will sell like hot-
: -akes. It's a church contribution box.
Friend What good is that ? Inventor
[ t's a triumph. The coins fall through
ilots of different sizes , and half-crowns ,
shillings and sixpences land on velvet ; ,
sut the pennies and half-pennies drop
> n to a Chinese gong. Tit-Bits.
The Lady I'll give you a good meal
f you will cut up some of that wood.
Che Tramp Sorry , but I can't accom-
nodate you. madam. The Lady Too
azy to work , I suppose ? The Tramp
-Not that , madam , not that. I would
ie false to my trust. You see , I'm a
nember of the Society for the Preser-
, -ation of the American Forests , and
ve never cut any wood. Yonkers
Statesman.
An Irishman , in order to celebrate
he advent of a new era , went out on a
ittle lark. He did not get. home until
; o'clock in the morning , and was bare-
y in the house before a nurse rushed
ip and , uncovering a bunch of soft
oods , showed him triplets. The Irish
man looked up at the clock , which said
hree , then at the three of a kind in the
urse's arms , and said : "Oi'm not
superstitious , but thank hlvins that Od
Eidn't come home at twilvel" Ext
hange.
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