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IHOW JIMMY CAME --
Mu
-- TO RETURN HOMEl
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X came to visit my home
HOW in a curious way
Some time ago I went down to
Fire Island fishing I had had a lunch
put up for me and you can imagine my
astonishment when I opened the hamp
er to find a package of crackers wrap
ped up in a weekly published at my
home in Wisconsin I read every word
of It advertisements and all There
was George Kellogg who was a school
mate of mine advertising hams and
salt pork and another boy was post
master By George it made me home
sick and I determined then and there
to go home and go home I did
In the first place I must tell you how
I came to New York I had a tiff with
my father and left home I finally turn
ed up in New York without a dollar in
my pocket I got a job running a freight
elevator in the very house in wThich I
am now a partner My haste to get rich
drove the thought of my parents from
me and when I did think of them the
harsh words that my father last spoke
to me rankled In my bosom Well 1
went home I tell you John my train
seemed to creep I was actually worse
than a schoolboy going home for a va
cation At last we neared the town
Familiar sights met myeyes and upon
my word they filled with tears Tliere
was Bill Lymans red barn just the
same but great Scott what were all
the other houses We rode nearly a
mile before coming tohestation passr
mgmany houses of which only an oc
casional one was familiar The town
i
-v
Then I cried too John I broke down
and cried like a baby She got me back
to the house hugging and kissing me
Then she went to the back door and
shouted George Father called from
the kitchen What do you want Car
line
Then he came in He knew me in a
moment He stuck out his hand and
grasped mine firmly and said sternly
Well young man do you propose to
behave yourself now
He tried to put on a brave front but
he broke down There we sat like
whipped school children all whimper
ing At last supper time came and
mother went out to prepare it I went
into the kitchen with her
Where do you live Jimmy she
asked
In New York I replied
What are you working at now
Jimmy
I am working in a dry goods store
Then I suppose you dont live very
high for T hear tell o them city clerks
what dont get enough to hold body and
soul together So Ill just tell you Jim
my weve got nothing but roasted
spareribs for supper We aint got any
money now Jimmy Were poorer nor
Jobs turkey
I told her I would be delighted with
the spareribs and to tell the truth
John I have not eaten a meal in New
York that tasted as good as those crisp
roasted spareribs did I spent the even
ing playing checkers with father while
mother sat by telling me all about their
USHE STRUCK SOMETHING WHICH WAS NOT SUGAR
had grown to ten times its size wben I
knew it The train stopped and I
jumped off Not a face I knew and I
started down the platform to go home
In the office door stood the station
agent J walked up ana said Howdy
Mr Collins - - -
He stared at me and replied Youve
got the best of me sir
I told him who I was and what I had
been doing in New York and he didnt
make any bones in talking to me Said
he Its about timetyou were coming
home You in New York rich and your
father scratching gravel to get a liw
ing
I tell you John it knocked me all in
a heap I thought iny father had enough
to live upon comfortably Then a notion
struck -me Before going home I tele
graphed to Chicago to one of our corre
spondents there to send me 1000 by
first mail Then I went into Mr Col
lins back office got my trunk in there
put on an old hand-me-down suit that
I used for fishing and hunting - My
plug hat I replacecLby a soft one took
my valise in my hand and went home
Somehow the place didnt look Tight
The currant bushes had been dug up
from the front yard and the fence was
gone All the old locust trees had been
cut down and young maple trees were
planted The house looked smaller
too somehow But I went up to the
front door aid rang the bell Mother
came to the front door and said We
dont wish to buy anything to day sir
It didnt take a minute to survey her
from head to foot Neatly dressed
John but a patch here and there her
hair streaked with gray her face thin
and wrinkled Yet over her eye glasses
shone those good honest benevolent
eyes I stood staring at her and then
she began to stare at me I saw the
blood rush to her face and with a great
sob she threw herself updn meJ and
nervously clasped me about the neck
hysterically crying Its Jimmy its
Jimmy t -
misfortunes from old white Mooley
getting drowned in the pond to fath
ers signing a note for a friend and
having to mortgage his place to pay it
The mortgage was due inside of a week
and not a centtomeet it with just
800 She supposed ttiey would be turn
ed out of house and home but in my
mind I supposed they wouldnt At last
9 oclock came and father said Jim
go out to the barn and see if Kit is all
right Bring in an armful of old shin
gles that are just inside the door and
fill up the water pail Then well go
off to bed and get up early and go
a fishing
I didnt say a word but I went out to
the barn bedded down the horse broke
up an armful of shingles pumped up a
pailful of water filled the wood box
and then we all went to bed
Father called me at half past four in
the morning and while he was getting
breakfast I skinned over to the depot
cross lots and got my best bass rod
Father took nothing but a trolling line
and a spoon hook He rowed the boat
with the trolling line in his mouth
while I stood in the stern with a silver
rigged shiner on Now John I uever
saw a man catch fish as he did
At noon we went ashore and father
went Home while I went to the post
office I iTot a letter from Chicago with
a check for 1000 in it With some
trouble 1 got it cashed getting paid in
5 Tind 10 bills making quite a roll I
then got a roast joint of beef with a lot
of delicacies and had them sent home
After that I went visiting among my
old schoolmates for two hours and
went home Mother had put on her
only silk dress and father had donned
his Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes none
too good either This is where I played
a joke on the old folks Mother was in
the kltehsn watching the roast Fath
er was out to the barn and I had a clear
coast I dumped the sugar out of the
old blue bowl put the thousand dollars
in It and placed the cover on again At
last supper was ready Father asked a
blesaing over It and he actually trem
bled when he stuck his knife into the
roast
We havent had a piece of meat like
that in five years Jim he said and
mother put in with And we havent
had any coffee in a year only when we
went visiting
Then she poured out the coffee and
lifted the cover of the sugar bowl ask
ing as she did so How many spoon
fuls Jimmy
Then she struck something that
wasnt sugar She picked up the bowl
and peered into it Aha Mister Jim
my playing your old tricks on jour
mammy eh Well boys will be bojs
Then she gasped for breath She saw
it was money She looked at me and
then at father then with trembling fin
gers drew out the great roll of bills
Ha ha ha I can see father now as
he stood there on tip toe with his knife
in one hand and his fork in the other
and his eyes fairly bulging out of his
head But it was too much for mother
She raised her eyes slowly to heaven
and said Put your trust in the Lord
for he will provide
Then she fainted away Well John
there is not much more to tell We
threw water in her face and brought
her to then we demolished that dinner
mother all the time saying My boy
Jimmy My boy Jimmy
I stayed a month I fixed up the place
paid off all the debts had a good time
and came back to New York I am go
ing to send 50 home every week I
tell you John it is mighty nice to have
a home
John was looking steadily at the head
of his cane When he spoke he took
Jim by the hand and said Jim old
friend what you have told me has af
fected me greatly I havent heard
from my home away up in Maine for
ten years I am going home to morrow
The Demagogues Bill of Fare
A certain candidate for a city office
so the story goes made it a rule that
callers should be admitted to see him
at any moment even if he were ar
table This rule it is needless to say
applied only before election
The candidate was fond of the pleas
ures of the table and was aware that
this was not counted to his disadvant
age among a certain class of nis sup
porters Therefore when he was seat
ed one day at a meal of canvas back
duck and champagne and his maid
servant announced that a deputation
of men from the ward was waiting in
the hall to see him he did not order
these articles removed until he had
found out who the men were
They looks like workinmen sir
said the maid
Then quick Bridget Take off the
duck and the wine and bring me some
cold chicken and a cup of coffee
The servant did as she was bid She
had gone out of the room after exe
cuting the order and the politician was
devoting himself in a somewhat gin
gerly way to the cold chicken when the
girl came rushing in again
Ive just found out sir she said
that theys a dilegation of poor half
starved shtrikin tailors from the
sweat shops
The politician gave a long whistle
Ah then if thats the case Bridget
take off the chicken and the coffee and
just hand me a cold potato and a glass
of water and show them in
Mrs Lincolns Zouaves
Julia Taft Bayne in St Nicholas de
scribes the pranks of Willie and Tad
Lincoln in the White House The
Presidents sons were playmates of her
brother Budd Mrs Bayne writes
About this time they formed a mili
tary company called Mrs Lincolns
Zouaves She gave them a flag and
they were reviewed by the President
from the portico The Secretary of
War promised to furnish light con
demned rifles but I do not remember
whether they were ever armed or not
for the company dwindled until it was
like Artemus Wards all officers
Willie was colonel Budd major and
Hally captain while Tad refused every
rank but that of drum major The offi
cers had old fashioned swords given
them either by the Secretary of War or
by Gen McClellan
They spent a great deal of time on
the flat copper roof of the White
House It was surrounded by a stone
balustrade and here they built a cabin
The roof was by turns a fort and a
quarter deck They used to raise and
lower the flag with due ceremony and
look for strange sail through a spy
glass
I remember once when Budds sis
ter ascended to the stronghold with a
stern demand for the scissors she was
received at the side with naval eti
quette They showed me a Confeder
ate flag at Munsons Hill I -think and
Tad said some boats on the river were
pirates
Why Her Faith Was Shaken
An amusing story is told about
worthy vicar of a rural parish who had
waxed eloquent in the interest of for
eign missions one Sunday and was sur
prised on entering the village shop dur
ing the week to be greeted with marked
coldness by the worthy dame who kept
it On seeking to know the cause the
good omaii produced a half crown
from the drawer and throwing it down
before the vicar exclaimed
I marked that half crown and pu
it in the plate last Sunday and here it
is back again in my shop I knowed
well them niggers never got the
money Clips
It Was
Dobson That was a somewhat pre
vious joke Witticus got off wasnt it
Smiley Yes previous to the flood
New York Herald
Opportunities seem to be growing
sQ7cer every year and kickers and
setrniers more abundant
234
Eighteen and one half hands is the
height of a horse owned at Plymouth
Neb The horse is said to be the largest
west of the Mississippi river
The manager of the Oarrollton Mo
opera house advertises as a special in
ducement to theater goers that he will
keep them warm or refund their money
Another Liberia colonization scheme
is being worked up among the negroes
of Atlanta Ga Fifty of them it is pre
dicted will be sent out within thirty
days and others are to follow later
A red eared rabbit weighing seven
pounds was killed In a Boone County
Missouri graveyard the other day and
the left hind foot was at once forward
ed to William J Bryan at Lincoln
Neb
An agent of the Massachusetts So
ciety for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Animals daily paraded the streets of
Boston last winter bearing aloft the
appropriate banner Please blanket
your horses
The north Georgians are shipping cat
tle to Kansas City to be butchered and
shipped to the Georgia cities This is
like the Georgia cotton mills that put
an Eastern label on their sheetings to
make them sell
A young woman in Virginia got out of
a second story window in her home and
walked three miles in her stocking feet
in the snow to join a young man They
eloped to Hagerstown Md and were
married
A man who runs a skunk farm near
Otisville N Y says that there is one
element of loss he is not compelled to
take into account in estimating his
profits and that is any fear from loss
by thieves who come in the night or
daytime
At a trial in Louisville involving a
great deal of raey testimony the judge
had the court room cleared of all spec
tators and stated that this procedure
would be followed in all cases in which
the idle curious should seek to feed on
vulgarities
A vigilance committee has been or
ganized In Knobnoster Mo with the
purpose of making use of stringent
measures if necessary for the reduc
tion of the surplus of immorality and
general cussedness that has prevailed
there for some time
The City Missionary Society of Bos
ton has been in existence eighty years
and in that time has collected for the
poor 1218020 For many years Rev
Daniel W Waldron has been its effi
cient secretary and last year twenty
three missionaries were employed
Tombstones are usually regarded with
a certain kind of veneration but some
body stole a costly monument from a
cemetery an Lancaster Mass one night
last week It was traced to the railroad
station and thence to a marble dealing
firm in another town
Gypsum has been discovered in large
quantities in Big Horn County Wyom
ing and is being used by the settlers
for roofing their houses Mixed with a
thin mortar and spread upon the roof it
soon becomes as hard as adamant and
makes excellent protection against the
elements
Coal mining is promising to become
an important industry in Arizona In
the northern part of the territory ex
tensive bodies of bituminous coal are
encountered north and east of the
Painted desert region This coal crops
out in many places and at one point
has a thickness of twenty three feet
The groom fainted twice at a fashion
able wedding in Lexington Ky and
forgot the ring but otherwise a local
paper says the marriage was a pretty
affair in pink and white there being six
bridesmaids and a maid of honor and
the knot was quite securely tied the
grooms father being one of the officiat
ing clergymen
A Barton County Vermont farmer
has a wife who is the envy of the whole
community and is certainly a priceless
treasure From one barrel of flour she
made last year 150 pies of all kinds 3
chicken pies 90 apple dumplings SO
loaves of bread 1000 biscuits 100 doz
en doughnuts 11 jelly rolls a couple of
gross of ginger snaps 400 cookies
300 pancakes and six dozen gems
In England they have a permanent
olficial known as parliamentary coun
sel who aids legislation by perfecting
the form of bills A commission charg
ed with such a duty is being contemplat
ed in the Pennsylvania Legislature It
is reckoned that the counsel would earn
their salary in insuring accuracy of bills
and lessening the labors of Supreme
Courts in examining laws
The London correspondent of the
Manchester Guardian in commenting
on the expedition sent out by the Uni
versity of Pennsylvania for the purpose
of excavating on the site of the ancient
city of Nippur in central Babylonia
says that the members have completed
their work in a manner the like of
which has never before been attempted
by any expedition and that the results
of their discoveries may revolutionize
early Chaldean history
This jears Paris salon will be the one
hundred and twenty fourth Under
Louis XIY ten exhibitions were held
under Louis XV twenty six under
Louis XVI nine under the first repub
lic nine under Napoleon I five during
the restoration six under Louis Phil
ippe sixteen during the second republic
four under Napoleon III nineteen and
since 1S72 there has been one every
year In the salon of 1S00 only 275
works were exhibited whereas of late
years the average has been 5000
A lady attended the celebration in
Boston of the one hundred and six
tieth anniversary of the birth of Thom
as Paine and listened patiently for an
hour to speeches eulogizing his memory
and belittling Christianity but when
finally a speaker counseled the company
to teach their children to become free
thinkers she arose and quietly but em
phatically said Mr President I
should like to say that when I give up
my religion and my children It will be
for something very much better than
anything you have offered to day
Then she walked out and for a full min
ute there was silence
Since the foundation of the Govern
ment New York has been represented
in the cabinet 28 times being second to
Massachusetts with 29 Other States
have been represented the following
number of times Pennsylvania 25j
Virginia 22 Ohio 19 Kentucky 15
Maryland 15 Connecticut 9 Indiana
9 Georgia 8 Tennessee 8 Illinois G
Maine G South Carolina 6 Missouri
G Delaware 5 Wisconsin 5 Iowa 4
Michigan 4 Mississippi 4 New Jer
sey 4 North Carolina 4 Louisiana 3
Minnesota 3 New Hampshire 3 West
Virginia 3 Vermont 2 and Alabama
Colorado Nebraska and Oregon once
each
Before the invention of hydraulic min
ing Sacramento river was navigable
for sea going vessels as far as the city
of Sacramento but the vast deposits
washed into its channel through the
operations of that invention have made
it at the present day unnavigable a
mere mud sewer for the Interior of Cali
fornia The destructive work of the
hydraulic miner has now been at least
partially checked and a proposition is
now before the State Legislature for the
construction of a great dredge capable
of removing 8000 cubic yards of mud
per hour from the channel By the op
erations of this machine it is hoped to
make the river once more a clear water
stream and restore to Sacramento some
part of its former dignity as an ocean
port
Its Human Nature
I tell you declared the reformed
gambler that there are people in this
country who Insist upon being swin
dled Nine out of ten of the men who
are caught know that they are going up
against some kind of a bunco game
They have read all about it but it Is
the infernal egotism of the average
man that leads him Into the trap He
knows that others have been caught
but hes too smart for anything of that
kind dont you see
I was at a county fair in Iowa ex
posing the tricks of gamblers My graft
was in selling a little book that I had
on the subject There was a pretty
lively gang there from a back town
ship and when I showed them how the
shell was done one big fellow Insisted
that he could locate the elusive pea and
was bound to bet on his proposition I
told him that I was out of the business
but that he was mistaken Then they
set up a cry that I was a fraud and
afraid of my own game I went over
the whole thing again and showed them
how they were fooled but I must give
the fellow a chance or they would
wreck my whole outfit
At last just to save myself I let
him put up his money and tendered it
back to him after I had won Then it
took three other men to keep him from
whipping me because T took him for a
squealer One or two others insisted on
having a try at it and never turned a
hair because of their losses When it
came to three card it was the
same Each of half a dozen men was
sure that he could pick the card and
despite warning would have a tiy at
it and some of them two or three tries
When they were cleaned out there went
up a howl that I was the rankest kind
of a fraud and they chased me three
miles into the country before it was
dark enough for me to escape
TVax Candles Made in Chicago
Eight tons of wax candles are pro
duced almost within the city limits of
Chicago every day and yet this city
and her adjacent commercial territory
are counted a poor market for candles
The wax is the refined residue of paraf
fin oil and is produced at the refineries
of the Standard Oil Company at Whit
ing Ind
In Europe the American wax is fast
displacing the Scotch article produced
from shale though the English factor
ies engaged in the manufacture of wax
candles are of enormous capacity and
have been long established These fac
tories are now working largely on the
American product as It is of better
quality and cheaper A recent cut of a
farthing per pound in the London price
by the Standard Oil Companj of the
United States has already amounted
to a loss of 250000 on the 25000 tons
which the Scotchmen sell annually in
England alone
Though the sales of wax candles in
America are increasing enormously
especially in eastern cities the domes
tic sales are as nothing to the sales
abroad In America the public has not
yet learned the luxury of a portable
odorless light for residences and sales
westward are therefore comparatively
small The American supply is practi
cally unlimited as the wax Is only one
of the many by products of the crude
paraffin oil produced in enormous quan
tities from the oil fields of Pennsyl
vania Indiana and several other states
Proofs Needef
I have called sir to collect the insur
ance on my late husbands life
Let me see what was your hus
bands business
He was a newspaper correspondent
with the Cuban army
Call again in ten years maam
Cleveland Plain Dealer
Dubious Joy
Bobby was papa pleased when you
told him that grandma was here
I guess so he said gee whiz New
York Journal
As an evidence of the worthlessness
of society we mention that a girl just
out of a trundle bed is more popular In
it thaa a woman of sense
QUESTION IN MATHEMATIC
How One Yonne Man Puzzled a Lot
His Companions
Sir of them three young ladles w
three young men were sitting In a
semi circle before the fireplace trying
to keep warm and trying to find some
thing interesting to talk about They
had discussed the last dance and the
next one till there was nothing left In
those subjects to talk about They had
even discussed the weather and the
conversation had begun to lag a trifle
when one of the young men came for
ward with this suggestion
Lets see how good some of us are
at mathematics
Oh were all good shouted the oth
ers In chorus Just try us and see if
we arent
All right said the first young man
Lets see how many of you can an
swer this proposition Suppose a rail
road train left New York every day at
noon for San Francisco and another
train left San Francisco every day for
New York the trains traveling over the
same road of course and the trip each
way taking seven days how many
trains would the train from New York
meet on the way
Oh theres some catch about it
said one of the young ladies Im not
going to bite at anything like that
No theres no catch about It at all
replied the young man Its a straight
mathematical problem All you have to
do is to think it over
Why of course theres no catch
about it spoke up another of Jfthe
young men The train from NewHRurk
would meet seven east bound trains on
the way
No that isnt right said the young
man who had furnished the problem
It is too declared the other Of
course its right If the train that
leaves New York takes seven days to
make the journey and a train leaves
San Francisco every day at the same
hour of course the New York train
will meet seven east bound trains
No old man I tell you your answer
is not right declared the propounder
of the proposition
Oh Ive got it said one of the
young ladles As the trains are coming
toward one another all the while tho
New York train would meet only half
ns many as it would if the other trains
stood still Therefore dont you see
the New York train would meet just
three and a half trains from San Fran
cisco
All the others wanted to laugh at this
answer but they did not dare because
none of them was ready with a better
That isnt it either said the pro
pounder of the question biting his lips
to keep from laughing You havent
figured it out yet
Ive guessed I guess suddenly de
clared one of the young ladies who had
not spoken before There Is a train
that gets into the New York depot just
as the one leaves there and you dont
count that of course So there are six
trains Isnt that right
No even that isnt right declared
the young man
Well how many are there
manded the others in chorus
Do you all give it up
Yes we all give it up
Well the New York train going to
San Francisco would meet fourteen
trains coming east
Fourteen shouted the others
Yes fourteen
How do you make it fourteen
Easily enough explained the young
man Counting the train that comes
into the station just as our train leaves
there are seven trains on the road when
our train starts Seven more will start
before it reaches San Francisco and
seven and seven are fourteen Easy
enough when you know how isnt it
He Didnt Mind
Andrew Lang in the Illustrated Lon
don News gives an anecdote of Dean
Stanleys amiable simplicity Tim
Dean was invited out to dinner and
was very late When he arrived his
collar was unfastened and the ends
vibrated like little white wings abou
the head of a cherub
People could not but look at him with
curiosity during dinner and at length
with due precautions his hostess ven
tured to ask him if he knew thar his
collar had broken adrift
Oh yes said the Dean Do you
mind
Not at all said the ladj
Thon T flnnf mJrwl oifhoi ot Ll
swered the Dean The button dropped
off while I was dressing and he con
tinued his conversation
It was not says Mr Lang ab
sence of mind but unrivaled presence
of mind that Stanley displayed on this
occasion Any other human being than
he would have been at the point of
changing his shirt
Quick Returns
Angry Caller at newspaper office
Say I want that little ad I gave yon
two days ago Wanted an electric
battery in good working order taken
out
Advertising Clerk What is the mat
ter Didnt we put it in the right col
umn
Angry Caller Column be dashed
The ad overdid the business 3Iy
house was struck by lightning last
night
What a Question
His New Mamma-in-Law I trust
my dear son that you never indulge
in the pernicious habit of going out
between the acts for a drink of intoxi
cants
The Bridegroom Why my dear
mamma you didnt think- I had it
brought in did you Cleveland Plain
Dealer
The public takes care of many people
who are not in the poor house
The old settler remembers well be
cause there was little to remember