ALL THAT IS NECESSARY.
She cannot make a hobble skirt or plan
the plainest gown she wears;
It never bothers her when ilirt accumu
lates upon the stairs;
She cannot trim a last year's hat or cook
a meal or bake a pie,
But she can comb her hair down Hat and
still be pleasing to the eye.
She never has learned how to sew. thu
books she reads are merest trash;
She never has cared much to know just
where her husband gets the cash;
She could not wield a pair of shears with
profit or with pleasing' skill.
But with her hair combed o’er her ears
she keeps a charm about her still.
She never is Inclined to let herself be
worried over art;
She rather thinks the suffragette is play
ing an Ignoble part;
The dust is thick within her flat and
things are topsy-turvy there,
But she has thrown away her rat and still
Is gloriously fair.
A BIG DIFFERENCE.
Mrs. O’Reilly—Shu re an’ did yes say
that yez husband's attack of indiges
tion wuz caused by Christian Science?
Mrs. O’Rafferety—No, I said his at
tack of Christian Science wuz cured
iby indigestion.
Drawing the Line.
Pon’t care how much Salome twists,
; Attention to engage;
But deliver me from pugilists
Who go upon the stage.
No Chance About It.
“I'm awfully sorry it happened!”
apologizes the abject young man, after
;the stolen kiss.
“Happened!” she exclaimed. “Hap
pened! That is worse than the kiss!
if you mean to say to me that you
didn’t have it in mind when you asked
me to stroll away back here in this
quiet corner of the conservatory, I
shall be offended., after all.”—Judge.
Analogous.
“I am afraid Priscilla Prlmit will
hever be able to write smooth verse."
“Why so?”
“She crowds her feet.”
“Permit me deduce.”
“Do so.”
“She probably gets that, metrical
habit from crowding her feet into her
Bhoes.”
Horrors!
“She is always doing something
original.”
“Yes, but her latest stunt, if it be
comes a fad, will upset society.”
"Why, what is it?”
"She has employed a nurse to look
after her poodle and insists on look
ing after her baby herself.”
An Unconscious Admission.
“Oh, darling, lovo me—love me! I
want you to love me for all you are
worth,” said the aged millionaire who
had persuaded the beautiful young
widow to promise to be bis wife.
“I do,” she replied, and then she
absentmindediy added, "and I love
you for all you are worth.”
COULDN’T SELL HIM.
Agent—I’d like to sell you this bot
tle of "Mosquito Exterminator."
Mr. Jackson—Nothing doing. I’m a
manufacturer of mosquito netting.
The Epicure.
He has no life work to begin,
No ,precepts to Impart;
His long suit i ■ excelling in
The gustatory art.
After Money.
Rill—I see that one out of every ten
letters passing through'fho Russian
post office is opened on general prin
ciples.
Jill—Gee! There isn't money in as
many as that, is there?—Yonkers
Statesman.
Enlightened.
"The restaurant we went to has
such a handsome pet cat.”
"Now I know what it means!”
"AVhat what means?”
"I heard ’em talking there about a
puss cafe."
HIS WAY OF SAYING GRACE.
The little daughter of a Philadel
phia minister had Invited a friend of
the same age to take supper at the
house. After they were till at the
table the minister said a short prayer,
which ceremony his little one whis
pered to her friend was known as “say
ing grace.”
“That’s not the way my pa says
grace," ventured the child to tho min
ister, when he had concluded.
"Isn't it?” asked he, smiling. “How
does your pa say grace?”
"Oh, he comes into the dining room,
sits down, bangs his fist on the table
and yells:
"‘Good heavens, what a supper!’"
The Chronic Plague.
Rod rick—So that chronic plague
used to follow you from town to town
and borrow money! Couldn't you get
rid of him?"
Van Albert (wearily)—No, he came
to me one day and said he guessed he
had harassed me enough and if 1
would only give him a gun he would
use it at once. In desperation I hand
ed him my new pearl inlaid revolver.”
Roderick—And he used it?
Van Albert—You bet he did. lie
pawned it for eight dollars and then
offered to sell me the ticket for eight
more.
Fully Informed.
"Is this Mr. Walsiugham’s office?”
asked the gentlemanly solicitor, as
he paused before the dignified old
man who sat at the only desk in the
(room.
“Yes, sir.”
“Are you Mr. Walsinghani?”
“No, £#n just an inquisitive young
scamp who has come in to paw over
his papers, read his private corre
spondence and smoke a cigar that 1
have taken out of his vest pocket.”
His Ailment.
“What's the matter with your
(nephew that's sick over at Skeedee?”
“Oh, he prescribed for himself out
of a doctor book,” replied the Old
Codger, “and nearly killed himself
with a misprint.”—Puck.
DEATH A FOREGONE CONCLUSION
Hewitt—Wasn’t there any chance of
saving your wife’s life?
Jewett—Not the slightest; you see
there was a doctor living light in the
house.
Easy Money.
That man's a lucky wight
Who's paid a pile of pelf
To get up every night
And talk about himself.
Latest in Bluffs.
Drug Clerk—Perfumery? Yes ma'am.
How would you like our Bouquet de
Gasolene, which will give everyone
the impression that you own an auto
mobile?
Customer—Oh, that’s an old one.
Haven’t you any cologne that smells
!like an airshijj?—Puck.
Then.
“When do you think the practical
success of the aeroplane will be dem
onstrated?”
“Just as soon as it occupies as much
advertising space in the newspapers
and magazines as is taken up by the
automobile now.”
Getting Ready.
“For heaven’s sake, Mildred, what
have you been !oing? You look as if
you had fallen into a coal hole.”
“It was just about as had. Aunt
Martha has telegraphed that she will
!be here tomorrow and I’ve been hunt
ling through the attic for her picture."
Three Good Reason*.
Minister—Mackintosh, why don’t
you come to church now?
Mackintosh—For three reasons, sir,
Firstly, l dinna like yer theology;
secondly, I dinna like yer singin’, and,
thirdly, it was in your kirk 1 first met
my wife:—Musical American.
Now He Would Break Out.
"Hello, Stubbs! Haven’t seen you
lor months. The last time we met, 1
remember you were trying to break
into literature. Did you succeed?”
“Yes; and I’ve been broke ever
since.”
Obviously Untrue.
“There is a fable to the effect that
Adam had mated with Lilith before he
knew Eve."
“Don't you believe it.. Nobody ever
pulled Eve’s hair out.”
Ought to Make It, All Right.
“His was a mercenary match, was It
not?”
“Yes, but she has money to burn.”
THE MUSE RENEUE8.
Oh. who could Mnjf a d&ng Af spring
And (lower* swei-tly swaying:
Of blithesome birds upon tho wing
\nd happy children playing.
When ai! the world around, about
Is dreary in tin* rain
.And there's no sunbeam peeping out
To gild the sodden plain.
Oh. who could lilt a roundelay
When clouds an s. adding low
And genial Mirth has gone away—
-lust where, 1 do not know?
*Tis clear I’m not tlu* wight for that—
I'm only lit for sighing.
Pent up inside a city flat.
There’s just no use of trying!
NO EAR F.OR MUSIC THEN.
First Roman (while Rome is burn
ing)—Just listen to Nero's playing.
Dost appreciate his marvelous tech
nique?
Second Roman—-Ilardly. I’m in the
tire insurance business.
Counting the Cost.
The chap who takes unto himself
A temporary honey,
(Unless he has a pile of pelf,
Should think of alimony.
Her Awful Secret.
"Yes,” said Little Dinks, “Miss
Paynter is a handsome woman, hut.
sometimes when I look at her she
seems to me like a woman who has
a terrible secret.”
“She has,” said Whibley.
”1 was sure of it,” said Little,
Dinks. “Have you any idea what
it is?”
“\res,” said Whibley. ‘She’s forty
eight years old.”—Harper’s Weekly.
What He Meant.
"I thought from what you said to
me yesterday that old Skads had lost
all his money?,,
“What did I say?”
“Why, you said that the last time
you saw him lie was at the end of
his rope.”
“Oil! You see tiie last time I saw
him ho was just finishing a campaign
cigar someone had given him.”
What Becomes of Them.
"What becomes of all the actors
who drop out of sight after they have
been on the stage for ten or a dozen
years?”
“Most of them sit around in the
dark corners of barrooms and talk
about the good old days of the drama
when they were supporting Booth and
McCullough.”
The Logical View.
She—I am going to get a pretty
piece of all-over lace today to begin
a new dress.
He—I should think you would get it
for the dress’ finish.
She—What do you mean?
He—It ought to be the end if it’s
all over.
Precisely.
“Is he a man who is never at a loss
for something (o say?”
“Well, to be more exact, he is a
man who is never at a loss for some
thing said.”
’’You mean by that—”
“His wife is always with him it’
NO CAUSE TO FEAR.
Willie Bug—Johnny Firefly says he
ain’t afraid to go out alter dark.
Jones Bug—Well, I wouldn’t either
if I had a light to carry along.”
Merely Visiting.
Ifls wife has gone to Hi no
Good people, don't declare.
As in one voice, "Ah. we know!"
Her father lives out there.
Vaguely Fearful.
"Larry, did you vote?”
"No, sor. I had nor-right t' vote.”
“But you could have done it, just
the same.”
“Yls sor! An’ th' jackpots would
have been after me quicker than ye
can sny ‘Scat.’ ”
Might Have Been Worse.
“Have you ever occupied room 13 in
a hotel?”
“Yes, once."
“What happened?”
“It cost me three dollars.”
HuW HARIS REPORTERS WRI1 E
Specimens of What the English Call
Journalese Culled From the
French Newspapers.
"Lltieratuture” is the agreeable
name coined by M. Adrien Valvy,
humorist, in ordinary to the (laulois.
for what in English is called "journal
ese," nnd he quotes n few good speci
mens of “litteratuture..I'hls man.
wrapped in tho dread but necessary
mantle of social justice, seemed at the
moment truly a pillar of society, us
In the picture graven by tho philoso
pher’s burning pen," wrote a pictur
esque reporter. lie was describing
an execution, and Ihe pillar of society
was Uie executioner. Another, or per
haps the same, reporter went to Asni
eres on a cold day.
"Ah! ihe eold that morning in the
streets of Asuleres! Along the pave
ment tile water lay, still numbed with
the colii. At street corner, where the
wind whistled more bitingly, were
spread large splashes of ice. By the
Seine it was terrible. With a steamer
of smoke like the white feather of
Henri IV.’S helm rising from its roof,
the Feliclte crossed the river. The
Feliclte! Ah, what a warm nnd com
fortable name was the ferry boat,”
Here is the graceful picture:
"It was alter lunch! The hour ot
toasts was long since past. Mme. Cl.
rose. She laughed. ‘Ladies and gen
tlemen, 1 have an idea,’ she said, nnd
laughed again. She bent her fore
head, upon which blond curls played,
and lifted it, laughing again. It
amused her to be making a speech.”
M. Vely warrants that all these
specimens are authentic.—Paris Cor
respondent London Telegraph.
THOSE FAMILIAR PHRASES
Expressions That Are Nearly Always
to Be Found in Novels Writ
ten by Women.
Faces arc “proud;” and ladles with
an imperfect nose have “a pure,
proud, lovely woman’s face, with glo
rious soul-lit eyes." H< rolnes are
“slight.” Chairs, on the other hand,
are “deep;” and alter the accident
of a sprained ankle you “almost carry
Elsie’s slight figure to a deep chair.”
In the important matter of costume,
emotional dresses are worn, and vlr
ginial thoughts go with white frocks.
"Clinging white draperies" are essen
tial to the heroine and “colors” are
not worn.
Eyes are extremely significant. Tho
heroines have “glorious dark-blue
soul-lit womanly eyes." Ladies of a
villianous type, on the other hand, are
recognizable by their “green eyes.”
On encountering at a country house
eyes “scintillating like emeralds,” a
bachelor should dispatch a telegram
summoning himself 1o the deathbed of
“his grand-aunt, Barbara Batley.” In
Chapter 34 Green Eyes are “unmask
ed." Heroines with “pansy eyes,” la
dies with orbs “misty with unshed
tears.” are delicate and unlike any
thing on earth. Though they have
shortened their hair and lengthened
their skirts, “as yet no thought of
love has entered their bright young
lives,” and "all that seemed too far
away from their young glorious
thoughts.”
Gentlemen with “the most, expres
sive dark eyes,” lead a harassed life.
Last Veteran of 1812.
The Buffalo Express, commenting on
the assembly's action in killing a bill
granting the use of armories to tho
Society of the War of 1812, asks if it
can be possible that there are any
survivors of that war who are ablo
to go through the manual of arms.
According to the records of New
York's board of aldermen the metropo
lis burled at public expense with
much pomp and ceremony the very
last 1812 veteran about five years ago.
He was Hiram Cronk of Oneida coun
ty, and his obsequies here cost |3,(Hi<>
and the lime of a regiment of National
Guardsmen and half a thousand po
licemen. The odd part of the whole
affair was that the appropriation was
made and all arrangements were per
fected some mothna before poor old
Private Cronk—he was several years
beyond the century mark—answered
the last call.
The Servian Drum.
The men who play the big drums in
the Servian army must have an eas
ier lot than the drummers of other
lands; for they do not have to carry
their own drums.
In nearly all cases. Instead of being
slung in front of the man who plays
it, the instrument Is put on a small
two-wheeled cart drawn by a large
dog. Of course the drummer must
play as he marches: but the dog is
so well trained that there is no diffi
culty in doing this.
The animal keeps Us place even
through the longest marches, and tho
drummer walks behind the cart, per
forming on tlie instrument as he
goes along. Each regiment is pro
vided with two or three big drums;
but few regiments have bands.—The
Sunday Magazine.
A Narrow Escape.
“I was once urging a bachelor,”
says George Ado, "to remain at tho
club for a gann of cards: but he in
sisted that he must call upon a lady
friend. I finally said:
"Don’t you know it is dangerous
for a man to call upon a lady after he
has been drinking?”
“ ‘That’s so,’ said my bachelor friend
as he took off his hat and topcoat.
‘Many a man has become engaged to
he married in such circumstances.’ ”
—The Sunday Magazine.
Special discount on KITCHEN
CABINETS. Also round and square
DINING TABLES.
Small weekly or monthly pay
ments.
McCerr Furniture Co.
• LICENSED AGENTS HOOSIER KITCHEN CABINET"
FOR SALE AND EXCHANGE
For sale, several good lots, well located,.handy to rail
road yards
House and four lots $1200
House and three lots $1100
Block of ground
Good resident lots in Boulevard addition, live blocks
of court house.
A number of houses for sale. Building loans made.
r6o acre farm, clear, will take some town property,
balance time.
HENRY C. SMITH
FALLS CITY NEBRASKA
We Have New
SheetMusic
—■— EVERY WEEK ——
Violins, Mandolins, Guitars anti Strings
Good Accordeons. Adam Schaaf,Packard
McPhail, Poole Tryber, Needham, lioyal,
Smith A Harnes, Doll A Sons, and others.
Our goods will bear inspection. Our friends
are always welcome. We have the music
goods, you need some of them, the price
right, cash or easy payments. We also
have the Victor Victrola and Victor talk
ingr machines, Victor records. All our
goods are new. We have no cheap* stuff to
offer, but good goods at the right prices.
Goddard Music House
1512 Stone St. Falls City, Nebr.
A. G. WANNER, Falls City, Nebr.
■ . .—» i, ,
Send in your Job Work to
The Tribune for first class
work. Prices Reasonable