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About The Falls City tribune. (Falls City, Neb.) 1904-191? | View Entire Issue (April 8, 1910)
GRAVE OF NOAH HAS BEEN DEFINITELY LOCATED ON JEBEL JUDI. Discovery Moves Washington Writer to Dissertation on the Life and Works of the Famous Old-Timer. A tremendous weight of sorrow will be lifted from the hearts of a long suffering world, we fancy, when it be comes generally known that the grave of Noah has been definitely located by a certain scientific gentleman given strenuously to knocking round and about the earth and sticking ills nose into the haunts of the quaint and curi ous of the long ago. Noah sleeps tlie last sleep. It seems. In the summit of Jebel Judi, near liy and overlooking the plains of Mesopotamia. Noah was a most picturesque lndl vidual. lie was an exceedingly wise man in his generation, for he had sense enough lo get in out of the rain when, according to the record, getting in out of the rain was all but uni versally considered extremely foolish and ill-advised. Nevertheless, had he not shown ills surpassing wisdom by acting faithfully upon it, he would not have come to be known subsequently ns tlie real, genuinely authenticated world's champion oldest inhabitant and the final appeal in all matters of ancient history. Noah—who surely must have been in the original edition the Hon. Noah i r Col. Noah—probably may safely he set down as exhibit A among prohibi tionists. If congress had been invent ed during or before Noah’s day doubt less lie would have been a member and a shrewd and result-getting mem ber at that. He knew how to play both < nds against the middle most suc cessfully a sure sign of the intuitive and practical politician. lie built and personally conducted the greatest water-wagon expedition of all time, and yet it was known to Noah's closer friends and associates that he did not hesitate; to laugh it to scorn on occa sions and refuse to ride upon il quite frequently. Astute old Noah! Amid a world of wetness, he alone was able to find a place to get off! Of course some of the spicier tales told concerning Noah may have had no real foundation in fact. They may have been circulated by the opposition, afterward duly and truly swamped at the psychological moment, righteously enough, il is to lie hoped. It must be remenihi red that Noah held an undis puted monopoly of the* earth’s trans portation business for a time, and probably was, in consequence, a par ti ularly in? ging target for the muekrakers and malcontents of the day. Anyway, whatever may have been Noah’s shortcomings or virtues, and valving the possible preponderance • itliei way for the moment, his was a (ompelting personality, and inspires solemn contemplation and speculation even at this late hour. Rest his bones ever there on Jebel Judi! He played a stirring part in an exciting drama of considerably more than tank dimen sions.—Washington Ilerald. Had to Pay the Interest. Because he was shy $10 he couldn’t possibly account for the convivial young man pawned his new spring suit. The ticket had been filler! out, the money paid over and the suit folded ready to put away when the young man was inspired to go through the pockets. In a coat pocket he found tlie $10 that had so mysteriously disappeared. "1 guess we'll just call this deal off." he said. He refolded the suit and returned the ticket and the $10. "Thirty cents more, if you please,” said the broker, "interest on $10 for a month or a fraction thereof.” “Interest!” exclaimed the young man. “Great Scott! I haven't been in here five minutes.” “That's a fraction of a month,” said the imperturbable pawnbroker. “You have put me to .just as much trouble as if your suit had been here a month.” A Strange Patient. There came to a Birmingham (Eng.) hospital the other day a man named Morgan Field, who is afflicted by a disease which gives hitu the appear ance of a living corpse. 11 is skin lias become marble white, devoid of ex pression, the natural line having been obliterated, feeling stony cold to the touch, and looking like the skin of a dead man. The skin lias become so tight around the joints that he is un able to bend them, and he can only partially open his mouth .with diffi culty. So far the case lias defied the resources of medical science, and specialists can only guess that the man’s conditions is due to an obstruc tion in the arteries, veins, or lymph vessels, caused by some disturbance in the nervous center governing the Mood supply. A Mean Advantage. Crabbe—He is the meanest fellow I ever met. Goodleyw-At any rate he's success ful. lie has taken advantage of his opportunities. Crabbe—Yes, and 1 guess his oppor tunities were small, which is another sign of his meatless. At the Playwrights’ Club. Member tto friend whom he has not seen in some time)—And when was the last appearance of your i k-cet” •On the first night."—Fliegeude Blatter. TOOK GOOD FATHER'S FANCY i Simple ^Explanation of Incident That Was a Puzzle to the Housekeeper. Father O'Connor was feeling un comfortable. A f iend. calling, advised him to see a physician. "My doctor," said his reverence, "is out of the city." "Hut.” said his? friend, "there is Or. Hailey." "Yes," replied the priest, "but Dr. Hailey is a drinking man.” "Nevertheless," said the friend, "he can prescribe for you." So Dr. Halley was sent for, and nf ter the diagnosis he said: “Father O’Connor. 1 find the pulse normal, the heart beats regular,* and no organic, difficulty whatever.” “Hut what ails me?" asked hla reverence. { "Simply overworked," replied the doctor. "And what, sir, is your remedy?"! Thus asked Father O’Connor. "Hot punch," responded Dr. Hailey; "I have two objections to that," said his reverence. "In tho first place r haven't any punch and secondly f would not like to have my housekeep er know that I use it." "I can dispose of both objections,1' said the physician, "for 1 can furnish the punch and the hot water we'll ask Mary for will be for shaving.” So the priest consented, the doctor supplied the punch, secured, the hot wafer, found two tumblers and pre-i pared the remedy. The doctor tried it and the good father inquired: "How Is it, doctor?'] Said Hie doctor: "Father O'Connor, il is a drink fit for the gods." Tlie good father then experimented and greatly relished It. it was a week later. Dr. Hailey met Mary, the housekeeper, in the street. "Mary." asked the doctor, “how is his reverence?' "Doctor." said Mary, "his? reverence, sor, is well; yes, intoirely so, but there is this that's? peculiar about ttie case of his reverence ever since the after noon when you came asking for wa ter: Father O’Connor lias been shav ing himself ten times a day.—Sunday Magazine of Hie Los Angeles Herald. - i Irishman’s Clever Trick. The story of how an Irishman over reached a Jewish broker was related at a Glasgow court recently. The Jew owns two brokers' shops which are situated immediately facing each other in tlie same street, so that, dur ing the absence of his wife, who at tends to one, the Jew can keep his eye on both shops One night James Duffy visited the first shop and sold (he Jew several article's of his attire for sixpence. While the Jew was cross IAs- to his oilier establishment Duffy lifted a kitchen chair, which he a few minutes later carried into the Jew’s second shop, and coolly offered to sell lor h shilling. The Jew said he could Hot giv> more than tenpence. This Duffy accepted, remarking that “times were hard.” A neighboring broker, who had seen Duffy’s movement, In formed the Jew, who, on examining his purchase, was amazed to discover that he had bought his own chair. The magistrate said the story sounded .more like comic opera than a police court case, and passed a sentence of CO days. Tragedy of a Joke. An extraordinary thing happened at Glasshoro. N\ J., one day recently, which proves once more that truth is often stranger than fiction. A man named Wesley Sweet was owing a .merchant, Eugene Doughty, a little bill of GO cents, and told the clerk that if he wras alive he would certainly call and pay it that night, lie failed to show up. “I guess Sweet must be dead.” said the clerk, to Mr. Doughty, in a jocular way. Next morning Mr. Doughty and his wife were at the store, when in walked Mr. Sweet. "Why, hello!” said Mr. Doughty, "I thought you were dead." "Why, no, I’m not,” replied Sweet. "But you are,” jokingly replied Mr. Doughty. “You are a man of your word, and you said last night that if you were alive you were coming in to see me; so you must he dead." Just then a friend o! Mr. Doughty's came in, and as he turned to greet him Mr. Sweet reeled suddenly and fell dead. The Growth of Languages. There is an interesting and from the national point of view a satisfactory statement in the statistics lately pub lished in an Italian paper concerning the growth of modern languages, says the Westminster Gazette. According to the figures given the English lan guage, which a century ago was spo ken by 30,000,000 individuals. Is now the means by which no less than a hundred millions give expression to their views of things. French, on the other hand, has spread less than any of the chief European languages, for whereas it was used by 34,000,000 men at the beginning of the nineteenth cen tury, it is now spoken by 40,000,000. Seventy million individuals speak Ger man to-day, against 30,000,000 a hun dred years ago; 69,000,000 Russian, against 30,000,000; 32,000,000 Italian, against 18,000,000, and 44,000.000 Span ish, against 30,000,000. --- A Great Help. "So you think you will go into the American matrimonial market," said Miss Cayenne. "1 shall marry an heiress, if that is. what you mean,” said Count Fucash. I have a title to he admired and en j vied." -True. And a good title goes a long -. toward making a best seller " GETIUG IN WRONG HUMOR OF SOME INOPPORTUNE REMARKS. Even Great Novelist. Who Should Have Been Man of Tact, Admitted Himself Guilty of Ridicu lous Blunder. Charles Dickens once wrote to a friend, "I have distinguished myself In two respects lately. 1 took a young lady, unknown, down to dinner, and talked to her about (he Bishop of Durham’s nepotism In the matter of Mr. Cheese. I found she was Mrs. Cheese. And expatiated to the mem ber for Marylebone, thinking him to be an Irish member, on the con temptible character of the Marylebone constituency and the Marylebone rep resentative.” Two such mishaps In one evening were enough to reduce the most bril liant talker to the condition of the three inside passengers of a London bound coach, who beguiled the tedium of the Journey from Southampton by discussing the demerits of William Cobbett until one of the party went so far as to assert that the object of their denunciation was a domestic tyrant, given to beating his wife. Much to his dismay the solitary woman passenger, who had hitherto sat a silent listener, remarked: “Pardon me, sir, a kinder husband and father never breathed, and I ought to know, for I am William Cobbett's wife. Mr. Giles of Virginia and Judge Duval of Maryland, members of con gress during Washington’s adminis tration. hoarded at the house of a Mrs. Gibbon, whose daughters were well on in years and remarkable for talkativeness. When Jefferson became president, Duval was controller of the treasury and Giles a senator. Meeting one day ill Washington, they fell to chatting over old times, and the senator asked the controller if lie knew what had become of "that cackling old maid, Jenny Gibbon.” “She Is Mrs. Duval, sir," was the unexpected reply. Giles did not attempt to mend mat ters, as a certain Mr. Tuberville un wisely did. Happening to observe to a fellow guest that the lady who had sat at his right hand at dinner was the ugliest woman lie had ever be hind, the person addressed expressed liis regret that he should think his wife so ill-looking. ”1 have made a mistake," said the horrified Tuberville. "I meant the lady who sat on my left.” “Well, sir, she is my sister." This brought the frank avowal: "It can’t ho helped, sir, then; for if what you say he true, I confess I never saw suih an ugly family in the course of my life.”—Youth’s Companion. Mistaken for a Queen. ' A Washington woman !m<l (o cut short her visit in Spain last summer because she was mistaken for the dowager queen. She had no idea she resembled that royal personage until, when alighting at a railroad station, she was greeted by officials with marked courtesy and attention. In fact, it was so apparent that, she in quired at the hotel why such atten tions were bestowed upon her, and was informed that it was because of her resemblance to the queen. Going to Madrid a little later she was sur prised wherever she appeared by the deference shown her by the people as well as by a great many of the of ficials. This made her a little nerv ous, and she concluded that in those days, when royal personages often are hnndt d a bomb, she would cut short her visit to Spain and go where she did not resemble any royal person.—• Washington correspondence, St. Louis Star. Caring for Horses. Dark stables and stalls cause many horses to shy. according to Miss Ethel Money, an English horsewoman who is now' in this country. Horses thus kept do not see anything when (hey first come out of the building, and shying thus become a habit. "Un less a horse is quiet and happy in his stall something is radically wrong.” Miss Money also says. “Like ourselves, horses are sometimes* restless and dis satisfied with their quarters, and then it is needed often only to change their stalls to remedy this fault. "The more water a horse drinks and the more water lie has to drink the better. It is a mistake to water horses only three times a day. It has been proved that most horses would rather go thirsty than drink out of a dirty bucket. “If a horse lias a thin coat or Is off his feed Hie chances are 50 to 1 that he is not getting water enough.” Worry Made Him Worse. Mrs. McGuire—Is your ottld man any better since he wint to th' doc tor’s, Mrs. Finegan? Mrs. Finegan—Not wan bit, Mrs. Mc Guire; it's worse, tlv poor man is wid ills head whirlin' around an’ around, trying to discover how to follow th’ doctor's directions." Mrs. McGuire—An’ what are th' di rections, Mrs. Finegan? Mrs. Finegan—Sure, they do he to take wan powder six toinies a day, Mrs. McGuire.—Brooklyn Life. Hard to Teach. Little Willie—Hey, mu; they Hlu’t nothin’ 1 kin do to-day, are there? Mamma—Hear that, Mr. Janos. Ain't it fierce what language can be learnt a kid hetore they’re old enough to sde for himself -Brooklyn Life WOMEN CAN KEEP SECRETS Chicago Magistrate of Experience Of fers Testimony to Shatter Old T radition. A Chicago police magistrate, after long years of observation and experi ence, declares unequivocally that wom en keep secrets much more surely than men, jokesmlths, philosophers and alleged history to the contrary notwithstanding. He avers thnt In Ihe smaller things, the relatively un important matters, it may lie true that woman Is the more loose tongued, that she is naturally somewhat gos sipy, and her domestic slates, unevent ful as is usually is. inclines her to small talk, lint when it comes to Ihe things that actually count the vital, compelling, tremendous tilings wom an is so far beyond man that compari sons are nil but ridiculous. Moreover, lie says that nine out of ten police officers Know this to be true, whatever the aspect of tho question may he in other walks of life. Doubtless it is till as 1 ho Chicago man says. It seems likely enough, when contemplated in connection with certain characteristics of woman Hint are universally admitted. Take the matter of bearing physical pain, for instance. There is scarcely a phy sician anywhere who will not toll you that the average woman will bear without a murmur pain that would drive men to suicide. Woman shrinks shudderingly from the slightest Im pending danger, but she faces u real crisis whun il is upon her in a way man rarely rises to. If we could get the wives, sisters, mothers and sweethearts of Chicago to loll their secrets, wo should soon clear up hundreds of seemingly Im penetrable mysteries that have ha filed us for many years. Hut we cannot do it. Methods that drag the miser able truth from men, time and again, fail utterly when applied to women. There may be a way to get them to tell the secrets we know they possess, but we have never discovered it, and never expect to. All of which seems to ring true. It is so like a woman, anyhow! Romance of an Earthquake. As a result of the late disastrous earthquake sit Messina a pointsman at the Messina station, Scarinei by name, lias become the possessor of two wives. In the catastrophe lie lost his wife and children, and every effort to find theiy, either living or dead, was fruitless. He gave up all hope, be came resigned to his fate, ami ten months later married a beautiful Mcs sinese. The other day a well-dressed woman arrived at the Messina station and inquired for Scarinei. He went to her, and was surprised to find him self in the presence of his first wife. Site explained that she had been bad ly wounded, and had been rescued by sailors and taken to a Russian cruis er. She had been taken in the vessel to Russia, whence she had just re turned. her 'recovery having been a very long one. As she did not know how to write, and had not succeeded In making herself understood in Rus sian, she had been unable to send any news of herself. Wedding Guests in Masque. Poulbot, a Paris caricaturist, hav lug determined upon so commonplace a step as getting married, decided that lie would be married in no com monplace way. He asked all his friends to the wedding, but (here was a sine qua non condition attached to the invitation. You had to go with a "made-up head” or you would not be admitted. Preferably you were re quested to make up as a country cousin at. a village wedding. Some guests arrived as ancient peasants, others os village idiots. There were several bluff squires and rural elder ly gentlemen with means, a number of retired officers and exuberant uncles from the south, besides fierce military gentlemen from the hottest stations of Algeria. The only persons who worn their natural physiognomies were tlv couple most concerned. They had drawn the line at making up them selves as a burlesque bride and si comic bridegroom. Life Saved by Handcuffs. Handcuffs were pur to an unii-iiai use at Hull one day recently. I ■ -lug in strumental in saving the life of Wal ter Falrweather, skipper of Leeds barge, from drowning. Falrweather was going ahourd Ills vessel when he fell into the dock. The incident was noticed by a constable, who jumped on hoard the vessel from the quay, and, leaning over the side, managed to fas ten the handcuffs on Fairweathf-r' wrlsti By this means the skipper hfdd above water until assistance ar rived and he wa pulled out London Mail. Doing His Best. ‘‘Do you whistle or sing or recite?" ‘‘No." “Can you do nothing to entertain the guests?" ‘‘Well, 1 can name all the vice-presi dents we've ever had The accom plishment has been mentioned ns un usual.” Gratifying His Tastes. “You take a great deal of Interest In gardening.” ‘‘Well," answered Mr. Crosslots, “I send for all the seed catalogues, it Is not so much that 1 like gardening a that 1 enjoy art and literature.” Damon to His Pythias. The Duelist—You are a true friend to me. You always support me at painful moments I remember that you were a witnos. at my mar: m ■ — Hire WHEN DUTY CALLED MASSACHUSETTS HERO PROMPT • N HIS ANSWER. Gallant Deed of Long Ago. Whereby Many Lives Were Saved, Is Re called— Daniel Collins Graves Deserves Monument. Thirty-five years ago on May 10 next a niun whoso sense of danger and lovo of his fellow man were well developed achieved immortal fame in western Massachusetts. 11 is name was Daniel Collins Graves. For something like a year his name was on every tongue In the country, lie was the subject of pulpit and platform orators. John Boyle O’Hellly of the Boston Pilot, Immortalized him in stirring verse, which Included these stanzas; No song of a soldier riding down To the raging light from Winchester town; No song of n limn that shook thn earth With thn nations' tliroo at a halloa's birth; But the song of n bravo man. free from fear As Sheridan's self or Paul Revere; Who risked what they risked, free from strife. And Its promise of glorious pay—his life! When heroes are called for. bring the crown To this Yankee rider: send him down On the stream of lime with the CurtlUS old; Ills deed, ns (he Roman's, was brave and bold, And the tale can as noble a thrill awake. For he offered Ills life for the people’s sake. And then the country seemed to forget, but Graves remained the hero of his section and ills death at the age of 70 in his old home village of Williamsburg brings him onro morn Into the public eye. Mill river, the most eastern branch of the Westfield, had been dammed three mile above Williamsburg, thus seeming an addi tional head nf 21 feet for power pur poses Above a long, narrow valley, thickly dotted with villages, hung a body of 1,000.00(1,000 gallons of water. Collins Grave s had been on an early morning errand on the morning of May IB, 1871 As ho drove Into Ills yard a neighbor hurried past shout ing: ‘‘The dam Is giving way!" In stantly Graves knew what this would mean. He tore the harness from his horse, sprang to tls bare back and dashed down the valley on the run shouting the alarm and telling the In habitants to take to the high ground. Fifteen hundred lives were at stake and Graves’ Imrso was not of the ra cing type and Ill-lilted with wind and limbs to make time against a roaring cataract with n fall of 100 feet to the mile, hut lie served for all but 160. A large part of Williamsburg with a button factory, woolen mill, saw and grist mill were carried away. A silk mill at Skinnerville and 15 houses were swept along At. Haydcnvilie the brass works and several dwellings, the entire village of I/eeds was de stroyed and considerable damage was done at Florence and Northampton. The financial loss was $1,600,000. The Mill river disaster was a notable event In history until the more ap palling flood occurred at Johnstown, Fa. Daniel Collins Graves deserves a monument to perpetuate the memory of Ills famous ride. — Broke Down in Maiden Speeches. Of (he many members of the Urltish parliament who have broken down in their maiden speeches there is no more distressing instance than ihat of Gibson Craig in 1887, thus graphically described by Disraeli: “Gibfeon Craig, of whom the Whigs had hopes, rose, stared like a stuck pig, and said nothing, ills friends cheered, he stam mered, all cheered; then there was a dead and awful pause, and then he sat down, and that was Ills performance.’’ Another breakdown in a maiden speech was by a happy thought turned Into a success This was by Lord Ash ley, who was a stanch supporter or a hill fo grant the services or counsel to prisoners Indicted for high trea son, but when he rose to make his maiden speech lie found himself de void of language The house cheered encouragement. At last he managed to blurt out: "If Mr Speaker, sir, I, who now rise only to give my opinion on the bill, am so confounded that 1 am unable to express what I proposed to say, what must b ■ the condition of that man who without any assistance Is pleading for his life and Is appre hensive of being deprived of it?" The elaborate speech he had prepared would have been less effective False Pretenses. Mrs. Join s -These tradespeople are so unreliable In their representations. You cannot place any dependence In their advertisements at all Mrs. Brown Poor dear! What’s the matter now’’ Mrs. Jones—Why, when we bought our automobile we paid an extra sum to have one of Mr Valentine’s shock absorbers attached to the axles. Mrs. Brown—And did it work? Mrs. Jones—Did it work? Why, when Mr. Jones was out alone the other day the machine slid over a 20 foot embankment and turned turtle. Poor dear Mr. Jones was shocked ter ribly. Mr. Valentine's attachment did not work at all. It Is perfectly shame ful.—Rochester Herald. Success. Brother Elfaw—How am yo' son gittin’ along in his new job as a Pull man po’tah? Brother Smoot -Fine, sah! Dat boy kin make a few passes and put mo’ dust on a pusson dan he brushes off, and It didn’t take him two weeks to learn to slam a do' in de way dat no body but a railroad man kin slam it. Yassah, Cla’ence is sho' doin ele gant —Puck j —Something new, Favorite Pruning j Saw. Trim your trees from th« I ground. Six reasons why it is th® best in the market. Write J. A. ! Schroer & Co., Fruit Packers and | dealers for circulars and prices, St. 1 Joseph, Mo, 10 -5t. I """ “ n KEEPING the quality of your goods a secret Is what you accom plish when you don’t ad vertise them. You know they're best; so do n few others I But the general public are they informed? Tell them! Don't keep it a dark secret. A. .'..cauflMII Let the light shine through the columns of this paper. 0 opyrigUt, lUUU, b> W. N. I’,) Notice! We will receive bide for tbe < ica vation of the basement for the n«w Christina church to Monday, Mareh US. Any one desiring to bid cun get the plans from Rev. Day at ills office in the Jenne opera house, lie wHl also explain conditions to govern in Bending ill bids. For Sale! The Christian church lias for sale good lumber and windows from old church building, also several hundred loads of dirt. Inquire at office of Rev. Day in the Jenne opera house or call phone 4U(>. DR, C. X. ALLISON DENTIST Plume 24H Over Itichardson County Bank. FALLS CITY, NEBRASKA DR. H. S. ANDREWS General Practioneer Calls Answered Day Or Xight In Town or Country. TELEPHONE No. ^ BARADA. - NEBRASKA CLEAVER &. SEBOLD INSURANCE REAL ESTATE AND LOANS NOTARY IN OFFICE EDGAR R. MATHERS DENTIST Phones: X’n... 177, 217 Sam’l. Wahl Building Office Removed to Tootle Block 6th and Francis Sts. DR. W. S. FAST ST. JOSEPH. MO. Special attention to MKDll’lNK, IIKITAIj Diwusps of aiid( HlLDimN R P. ROBERTS DENTIST Office over Kerr’s Pharmacy Office Phone260 Residence Phone 271 WHITAKER The Auctioneer Before arranging date write, tele phone or telegraph, my expense J G. WHITAKER Phonos 168 I.U 2I6I Falls City. Neb.