THE FALLS CITY TRIBUNE Entered as *eeond-cla-s matter at FallaCitv, Nebraska, po*t office. Janu ary 12. 1904, under the Act of Congress on March 3,187‘>. Published every Friday at Falls City, Nebraska, by The Tribune Publishing Company E. r SMARTS. Mamitr One year - ..Sl.-jO fchx months - ... .. Three montlis •40 TELEPHONE 226. Truth is mighty—if it doesn’t got • aught by the enemy too far from its commissary departmont Eskimo dolls are to lie among the Christmas toys this .season. Now look out for the automatic gum drop. Mrs bank hurst, noted English suffragette. has reached New Yolk on a one-way ticket. Hope she's no relation to Mr. Hill-Hurst. Mr. Peary has submitted his polar proofs to the National Geographical Society. Naturally wo presume they ■Were tied with baby ribbon. | "To be a Christian means to be a Htriver after truth," declares an evangelist Guess that lets In all members of the grand jury Champ Clark Is said to be hot all «t the speakership. However,Champ will still be able to express himself even if he doesn't get into the chair. President Taft s reported to have conquered a bucking broncho on brother Charles' ranch. Of course the president had the weight, of the argument with him. Ex-Governor I Frank llunly. of Indiana, is said to side with t lie .suffragettes. Frank wants all the ladles to vote just as many times as he does provided they vote his way, Cook says he will have his records ready in a month to semi to Copen hagen. Meantime we'll have to try to squeeze along on the Pearv rec ords and n few Edison phouogapli records. \ Cincinnati Methodist bishop re cently conducted tlie funeral service over the remains of his ow i son. A good many ministers "preach the funerals" of their own sons without waiting for them to die President Taft is to have a quiet trip down the Mississippi river. There is to he no firing of guns, and, let us hope, no firing of pilots, as was the ease when strenuous Teddy took tits well remembered trip down the tame river. The conservation congress will meet at New Orleans November I to talk over practical methods of sav ing our resources. To begin with, some delegates might conserve their resources a little by staying at home and saving railroad fare. Wonder if tills flying business is ever likely to advance to the point where it will he necessary for an aeronaut to buy from a corporation or some kind a ninety-nine year lease on a piece of blue sky before he can fly through it without getting stuck for trespassing. A Kokomo youth was made hap py the other day with a quarter. He lacked just that much of being able to procure bis marriage license and a bystander chipped in and helped him out Who cares for money, any way when trotting though the state of matrimonial bliss? The town of Framlnham. Mass., ought to lx* locked up in jail to keep itself from being stolen. Through us ing its town treasurer us a tool swin dlers have put out over $300,000 in forged bonds of the municipality. The natives are probably so busy looking out for grafters on the “inner cir cle ’ that they didn't recognize a plain, unfrilled steal when it happen ed along from the outside. A DEBASED OATH. A bill is being drafted in Washing ton, i>. C., to be introduced in con gees, which, it it becomes a law. ■will do away with the solemnity of the legal oath as administered in the District of Columbia. The bill pro vides that the words, “So help me God," be expunged from the oath as now administered. Perhaps it is as well such a bill become a law not only in the District of Columbia, but thoughout the entire country. The way in the majority of eases this oath, invoking as it does the help of God in carrying it out, is so flagant ly broken makes of such an oath nothing but a travesty upon the sacred name. It is a common oc currence for men to take this solemn oath with uplifted hand, when it is their full Intention to tell a bare faced lie in answer to the very ttrst question affecting In any way their interests in such cases and they are all too common—what is tin use of compelling a witness to add the sin of sacrilege to that of lying and perjury? The whole oath, so far as any effect it has upon the geat majority of wituesses, might as well be cut out entirely. We believe that the honors of faithful service as precinct committee man belongs to Ol Ayers this year. Me made a poll of his precinct and gave his personal attention to ward getting every vote to the polls. Af ter the smoke of battle had passed Nemaha precinct showed 1'J. repub lican votes while Ayers’ poll books gave him 71 names to work on. A few such faithful workers iti each pre cinct and the republican party in this county might get on earth again. In n New York zoo recently a mon key committed suicide because of the death of a dog companion. How ever, we are glad the monkey had more sense than some of his Darwin ian descendants and did not try to take some of tin- rest of the family with him. Some men might learn a good deal from the monkey. One of the Idg department stores in Chicago has orderedlts saleswom en not to wear pads or rats or other artificial frills. Now Hint's too had; probably some of them won't fit their clothes after they get all trimmed down to "just natural." In Massachusetts a woman is charged with having stolen a diamond ring from a corpse while kneeling beside the coffin. Hut, then, some people are not as particular as others about where their Jewels come from. "Save you money; don't squander it." says John D Itoekefeller to his Cleveland Sunday school class. We always thought John would get around to economical ideas if he were only given time. NUMEROUS CHANGES OF NAME. Blonde Woman's Adventures on the Matrimonial Sea Evidently Had Been Many. They met on the street ear the In tense little woman and the much adorned, plethoric blonde noth evi denced that extravagant pleasure which comes of meeting by accident an acquaintance one has not thought of for months. "How d'ye do, Mrs Gray?" panted the Monde, extending a plump, l>e diamoned hand. , "Why! How do you do, Mrs. Wil liams?" effused the other woman. "Not Mrs Williams." prompted tlie blonde, automatically. "Oh, to bo sure," the little woman apollgized, I beard you were to be married Mrs. Str-Strhonski, of course. I hope it isn't too late for congratula-\ tions." "That's so, 1 was Strbonski," recol lected tlio blonde, "that musician—but now I'm Madam Theodore; lie's a chef." The little woman's chin dropped, and for half a binshe sat with a face like an exclamation point "This is iuy corner," she announced, jumping to her feet as the car slowed up. "Would you- would you mind, Mrs. Madam Theodore, telling me what your name is the next time wo meet?"—New York Press ^37S OVER THE TELEPHONE. o of Carnations Clearly Wafted From One Booth to Another Far Away. other day a prominent business i this city went into a drug store a telephone .lust before him a woman with a large bouquet of ..■.ons had been using the phone when he went into the booth tbo e of the Mowers nearly stifled him, e uch so, in fact, that his intention to hurry the conversation and get "it as soon as possible. With the ought of the strong odor uppermost in his mind, he called a man at the it her side of the city wit bout a word having been said on the subject, tlie it her man remarked about tli • strong odor ot carnations, and the man who called up, without thinking, said a woman with some carnation had just been using the plume on which he was talking. "Hold the phone just a minute,” said the man at the other end of the 'ine, "and 1 will find out if there are tny of the flowers in the store.” After waiting for a few moments he again came to the telephone uml said thut there were no carnations there and that the clerk was positive that there had been none in the store that day.—Ohio State Journal Anytnmg to mease. “Hubby, 1 want to go to an ex clusive resort " "All right, my dear,” said the great magnate. "I'll buy you a mountain.” “I prefer the beach.” Very good John get me quotations j on oceans."—Houston Chronicle. ... ....- ■■ ■■ All Off. The Heiress—Have you seen papa? The Duke- Yes. it's all off The Heiress—You don't mean to say that he refused to give his consent? liio — v,'it. no. no «ui run* that even those who have nun ■ a study of birds are apt to be pi;/*. H by the unfamil iar visitor To such persons it will bo of interest to learn that a pair of mock ing birds are making Duxbury ttieir suinnit i home this year. They were lirst noticed several weeks ago. when they made themselves at home about a house in the southern part of the town. The beauty of their songs brought neighbors to watch them. In i few days they left the place, hav ng apparently found more to their lik ng a swamp near by at the bottom of an apple orchard. Two enterprising nature students spent an afternoon under these trees, and they were rewarded by abundant opportunities for observing the birds which left no doubt as to their iden 1 Htv Their nest is probably in the thicket of the swamp, but no one wants to risk disturbing them by hunting for it. They have improved their visit to the north by increasing their reper toire and have added imitations of several northern birds to the long list of songs they already had.—Boston Globe. Unprejudiced. Mike McGinnis was being examined for jury duty in a murder trial. "Mr. McGinnis." asked the judge, have you formed or expressed an opinion as to the guilt or Innocence of the prisoner at the bar?” "No, sir." replied Mike. "Have you any eoncientious scru ples against capital punishment?” Not in this case, your honor." Mike ; replied. Success. No Rest There. 1 ncle Kben If ye ever visit New York and git tired walkin’ around th' city, don't ye go into th' stock ex change to rest! Aunt Martha—Why not? 1'ncle Kben—(Jr;; Ions Bakes! there >' they eharge $10.him tor a seat!— liaise. His Ambition. "Rerty, what are yon going to be when you grow up?" asked the min ister. "A milkman," said Tommy, prompt j "so's ! can go round in the morn 1 !ng making all the noise T want.”— ' buffalo Express RIGHTS TO TERM DISFUTED Mexican Herald Ridicules Appjllation of "Chrirtian Mat ons” to the Pow ers of the World. A contemporary indulges in rash peculations respecting the benefits to accrue to die Ottoman empire when it stiall be partitioned among the Christian nations of Europe,” re marks the Mexican Herald. One fails to recognize any modem nation which the designation fits. H* ally Christian nations would not be armed to the teeth, as it were, and spend half their revenues in prepara tions for war. “Never since Chris tianity came,” says a recent writer, ' lias there been a time when the put a stop to it. "The next time,” ho said, “that that fellow Johns calls up here and asks ua .-.bout Jones' milk or Smith's bread u Llrown's cabbages I'm going to squelch 1dm so effectually that lie will let am body run away with the house itseil lie fore he'll ask us if we know what lias become* of it.” Mr. Garvin had an opportunity 10 pursue his drastic policy with tlie jani tor the very next morning. It was a Sunday morning, and Air. Garvin, eager for battle, rushed to the dumb waiter in response to the clarion cat! ' from the janitor's speaking tube. "Hello!” he said. "Hello!'1 came the reply from to* depths of the basement. "Say, ha * youse folks seen anything of a basket of aigs from the delicatessen that w left on the dumbwaiter this morning for Mrs. Crosby ?” "No,” said Garvin, “we haven What do you take us for, anyway? V pack of thieves? When things are lost about the house why don't you g*> some place else once in a while look for them? Why do you alwa come to us?" "Because, came the unhesitating reply, "you are the only people in tun building who never lose anythin.: yourselves." For a moment Mr. Garvin appeal *d convinced by this apparently conciu sive evidence of his own guilt, but soon his indignation as an injur id householder asserted itself and tirg -;| him to vindicate his honor. "The only ones who haven't hod anything, are we?" he retorted. "Wei: just let me tell you that is no pro u We have lost things, too." "You have?" exclaimed the janitu "You never said anything about it. Mr. Garvin instituted his system of revenge on the following morning. "Say, John,” he said, "did you sv anything of a roll of butter the g cer's boy left this morning?” "No, sir," floated mildly from *;io foot of the dumbwaiter shaft. “That is too bad." said Garvin "Somebody lias swiped it. Y’ou h oi better And out who it was." "All right," said the janitor; ' ! il get it for you.” Before Garvin had Anished iis breakfast he was disturbed by a vio lent whistling and shrieking at the tube and the creaking of the dumb waiter. “Hello!” came a sepulchral voi -* from the basement; “here’s your hi. ter.” Mr. Garvin was too much astound >d at that unexpected announcement to make reply. "Well, I'll be blessed!" he said ro his wife. "Where do you suppose im got it?" “What are you going to do with it cross-questioned Mrs. Garvin. “Keep it, I suppose.” “But it isn't ours,” she protested "He must have scared one of our neighbors into giving it up. Yoq had better give it hack to return to them ” "Never," said Garvin. “I have start ed out to teach that fellow a lesson, and I’m going lo stick to it. Silence just now is the best policy. To make inquiry of him or neighbors might spoil the game.” In pursuance of his scheme for dis ciplining the janitor Mr. Garvin d ir ing the next few days reported miss ing a pint of cream, a ten-pound pack age of granulated sugar, a quart of strawberries and a basket of potatoes,'' and each time, to the Garvins’ increi.; ing amazement, John called up aft n the lapse of a few minutes: “All right, sir; here it is.” At last, Mrs. Garvin, being of a su perstitious bent, began to read discs ter in the janitor's extraordinary obedience. "I do hope,” she said, “that you won t report any more fictitious losses Well be guilty of robbing everybody in the house before we get out of this scrape. I am already such a dyed-m< the-wool thief that I am ashamed o look my neighbors in the face.” T he day alter receiving the myster ous basket of potatoes Mrs. Garvin reived the monthly bill from the gro eer. “They've made a mistake,” she said, after comparing it with her own item ized list of purchases. “They ve charged us with butter, cream, sugar, strawberries and potatoes that I ne^r ordered!” A Unique School Service. ^ The little town of Stanley, in Ur* falkland islands, possesses the mosr. unique school service ever known 1 wo traveling schoolmasters are pro vided by the government, who visit, the different families where there are children and give instruction. The length of their visit depends in th.» astuteness of the children, and thj' may spend days or weeks, as the ear* may be, at one house alone. Easily Explained. Patience—I see Mrs. Styles w.rh her dog quite often, but I never s-*o her with the baby. Patrice That s easily explained Yon see she named the dog. and tho baby was named after her busbaud'a folks.