THE FALLS CITY TRIBUNE , FRIDAY. NOVEMBER 29. 1907
MULES WERE REAL ONES
Simple Explanation of Order That for
a Time Puzzled Guest of
Hotel.
"I saw a funny thing in the regis
ter of a hostelry in the Grand Can
yon of the Colorado , " said a Chicago
man who had just returned from a
trip through the west. "I stepped
up to the desk to register when I
saw an entry just above the Space
I was destined to fill. The line read
ns follows :
" 'Mr. and Mrs. John Jones , Ar
kansas. 2 mules. '
"The words ' 2 mules , ' wore not in
the same handwriting as those giv
ing the names of recent arrivals. A
wild idea flashed throtfgh my mind
that the hotel clerk must be in the
habit of characterizing the guests.
My natural curiosity prompted mete
to make inquiries.
" 'Oil , the mules ? ' replied the pre
siding genius of the hotel. 'That
means that Mr. Jones and his wife
are going to ride down the Canyon
to-morrow morning. Quite a party
making the trip. Would you like to
go ? '
" 'Yes , ' I said.
"And I had the pleasure of seeing
him write 'I mule' after my name. "
A PROSPEROUS COLONY.
hi ( ho state of Victoria , Austra
lia , the railway revenue for 1907
fiscal year was $20,050,000 , the
highest on record , while the working
expenses were less than 52 per cent ,
of the revenue , the lowest for 28
years. The number of savings bank-
depositors increased by 25,000. For
ty per cent , of the entire population
has deposits. The amount at their
credit on June 30 last was $64,000-
000. an increase for the year of
$5,140,000. Overseas exports , exclu
sive of gold , amounted to $02,000-
000 , nil increase of 250 per cent ,
over 1903. The colony's overseas
imports amounted to $75,000,000.
The exports to other states were
nearly $25,000,000. The govern
ment revenue for the year was $41-
5i5.j,000. and the expenditure only
$31.505,000 , creating a surplus of
$4.000,000.
WHY DICKENS LIVES.
Why is it that the sales of Dick
ens' works , in English alone , amount
in n single year to more than those
of any later novelist ( luring his
whole lifetime ? The readers of his
novels do not lack intelligence , and
n irood number of them are of a
Mtflieienlly advanced culture to de
tect his faults. But whatever the
higher criticism may disclose against
him , there still remains the fullness
of his robust human sympathy and
that mastery of genius which for
ever holds the mind oven of children
as that of Shakespeare's does.
Harper's .Magazine.
DANGEROUS SENSE OF HUMOR.
Geo. C. Morton , a machinist re-
Kiding on Uussell street , has very
sore ribs , and all because he laughed
too heartily. Ho was thoroughly
enjoying a joke played on a com
rade with garden hose , and as he
watched the sport from a window
he laughed with great gusto , so
much so that ho was seized with
pains and had to be helped to a
seat. A medical man was called
and found that he had fractured a
rib and had torn away part of the
lining about another rib. Bermuda
Roval Gazette.
THE RING ON THE STEM.
With the stem encircled with a
gold ring , which must have been on
all the while the fruit was growing
from bloom to maturity , a bunch
of grapes was discovered in Long
Beach recently. Chas. Schwitzcr , a
peddler , was weighing some grapes
for a customer when the glitter of
an object in a cluster caught his at
tention. It was a gold bangle ring
around the stem , midway in the
bunch , and with grapes both above
it and below it.
ASK THE STORK.
Census Man Now , little boy , run
upstairs and tell your mother I for
got to ask her when your baby broth
er was born.
Little Boy She doesn't know ,
sir. She was away on a visit. '
Harper's Weekly.
HEROIC.
Knicker What do you consider a
teat for a poet ?
Becker Ability to ride Pegaaus
on a hard unequivocal trot for five
miles.
LIKE HER DEAR THOMAS
Odor of Liquor Reminded Lone Wid
ow of Her Recently Depart ,
ed Helpmate. -
E. J. Berwind , the great coal op
erator of 1'hiladelphia , was asked
by a reporter , at his beautiful New
port villa , a rather stupid question
in finance.
Mr. Berwind laughed.
"That question , " ho said , "is
about as absurd and as ludicrous as
a tableau I once saw in a little
French theater in New Orleans.
"Tho curtain rose in the thea
ter , revealing a largo bed draped
with crape , and occupied by an el
derly woman who held a black edged
handkerchief to her eyes. A widow
plainly , of but a few days' standing.
She wept. Her wound was still raw.
"On the other pillow beside the
widow lay a large bottle of gin. Slid
turned toward the bottle , and , sob
bing as if her heart would break ,
eho said tenderly :
" 'Ah , when I see and smell the
gin there I think it's poor Thomas
back at my side again. ' "
LARGEST LACE FACTORY.
The largest lace factory in the
world was opened at Draycott , near
Nottingham , , recently , the occasion
being celebrated by a fete in which
the people throughout the district
joined.
The factory is four storied , f > 20
feet long , with accommodation for
298 lace machines. It was built b )
E. Jardine , a wealthy Nottingham
manufacturer , who recently pur
chased Glastonbury Abbey.
To signalize the opening Mr. Jar-
dine opened an account in the Post-
ollicc savings bank for every child
in the district more than 700
starting it with a shilling. London
Express.
DANGEROUS WHEN WELL.
Friend An' how's yor rvlfo , MlkeS
Mike Sure , she's awful sick.
Friend Is It dangerous she Is ?
Mike No , she's too weak to be
dangerous any more.
OF COURSE.
Early in the morning session ,
when the pupils were feeling bright
nnd happy , the teacher thought it
a good plan to give them sentence :
to correct , both as to grammar and
sense. She accordingly wrote on
the blackboard :
"The hen has four legs. He done
it. "
Thoughtful little Ignatius , at the
foot of the class , pondered deoph
and at the end of ! . " > minutes' time
allowed for correction , ho wrote :
"He didn't done it ; 01 clone it. '
LITERARY NOTE.
"Old chap , " said Ecglergrind , "it
I had your leisure I'd sit down and
write a play. "
"Would you ? " asked Percollum.
"Huh ! It takes something more than
leisure to write a play. "
Whereat Ecglergrind , uncertain
whether this was a confession or a
knock , resumed his work and said
nothing.
NOT STAR GAZERS.
Miss Evening Star "You have
a big audience on earth to-night. "
Mr. Comet "Yes , but I don't
quite understand it. Every time 1
do one of my acrobatic stunts those
folks exclaim : 'Oh , look at the air
ship. ' " Kansas City Times.
THE CONVERSE.
"Is success a crime ? "
"I would not say that , " answered
the conservative citizen , > fbut I must
state that crime seems to be a suc
cess in some quarters. "
oTjE ToNG WAIL.
Gunner "Every year they hav <
n grand baby show at Asbury Park
It is a great success. "
Guyer "H'ml Howling success
I suppose. "
TO KEEP THE PEACE
Wandering Cow Released On Her Own
Recognizance by KindHearted
ed Police Chief.
A fine llolstein cow that had es
caped from her owner's lot was re
cently roaming the streets of Nash
ville when eho was roped in by the
pound ollicer. This ollicial aotion
evoked a moving appeal from the
owner , who addressed the chief of
police in this wise :
"Chief Blank : Dear Friend : Your
pound man has hauled my cow into
court this morning for prowling.
As it was her first olTense , please
have her let off with as light a fine
as possible. Yours , . "
Across the face of this letter the
chief scribbled the following in
struction to the pound man :
"Release the cow on her own
recognisances. " 11 arper's Weekly.
BAVARIAN DANCE.
Peasants of the upper Bavarian
Alps are famous for their agility
as dancers. One of their curious
dances is as follows : Wight boys
form a ring in the middle of the
dancing ground. They join hands
firmly as they circle round ; every
alternate1 dancer flings his feet for
ward until his body becomes hori
zontal nnd parallel with the ground.
These four then brace their feet to
gether and , supported by the others
in ( he ring , they form a rapidly re
volving cross. After a little while
they regain their IVi't and the others
form tin : cross.
TRAVELS OF A CRAB.
In his report for the quarter end
ing September , ' ! 0 the fishery ollicer
for the Northeastern district states
that he received one marked crab
during the quarter. It was captured
at Boddin , close to M.ontroso , Scot
land. It had traveled from four
miles north of Scarborough castle ,
a distance of about 155 miles , in
< ! Sfl days. Unless the crab had a.
lift on the way from some sportive
I > erson it must on an average have
crawled not less than 330 yards a
dav. Westminster Gazette.
QUEER PLACE FOR NEST.
A sparrow has built a nest in a
corner pocket of the pool table in
the Active hose company's building
at Bloomfield , N. J. Patrick Higgins -
gins , foreman of the company ,
found the sparrow trying to hatch
three eggs in the same nest with
the ivory cue ball when he invited
several friends to join him in a game
of pool recently. Many of the resi
dents visited the tirohouse to sec
the strange sight. Foreman Ilig-
gins says that all pool games must
be postponed indefinitely.
]
PROOF.
Mr. Softly Tommy , do you really
think your sister likes mo bettor than
she docs Mr. Smartly ?
Tommy I'm sure of It. When he's
in the parlor she turns the light so
low she can't see him at all.
NO SHIRKER.
The Ute brave had been informed
that he must go to work.
"Toll the Great Father at Wash
ington , " ho responded , "Injun heap
ready , like work. "
"What kind of work ? " asked the
agent , much encouraged.
"Chase um bufl'alo , " responded
the warrior , drawing his government
blanket around him.
THE REAL MEANING.
A chronic ofllce-seckcr had an
nounced his retirement from poli
tics.
"This means , " ho explained to a
close circle of friends , "that I retire
from the effort to break in. "
THE ISSUE.
"What is the issue of your local
campaign ? " asked the' visitor to
New York.
"Mostly small bills , " replied the
dueruatad oolitical worker.
AS AN AID TO CUPID
Peculiar Sofa Jutt the Thing /or
Bringing Bashful Loven to
the Scratch.
" 1 would like to get n sofa for our
parlor , " said the pretty girl in the
furniture emporium.
"Er excuse me , miss , " respond
ed the clerk with n low bow , "but
but have yon a beau ? "
The pretty girl blushed redder
than an autumn apple nnd nodded
in the allirmativc.
"And is he bashful , miss ? "
"Exceedingly. Why why , he
situ at the extreme end of the sofa. "
"Ah , indeed 1 Then here is the
very sofa you wish. "
"That ? Why , it looks like the
letter V. "
"Yes , it is called the 'Cupid
Slide' sofa. No one can sit on it
without sliding to the center. "
HIS OPPORTUNITY.
Young "Un I heard of n man who
laughed so hard nt a story thnt he
lost his voice.
Famllnian What was that story ?
I'd like to toll It to my wlfo.
CACTI PUT TO USE.
Outside of its use as a hedge to
turn cattle , the cactus plant has
been pretty much a nuisance
wherever it has flourished , but at
Elpaso , Tex. , a company has just
been formed to erect a plant for the
extraction of alcohol , ether and
fiber from all sorts of cacti. The
works will bo in an adobes building
because it is easier to maintain in
n building of this material certain
temperatures necessary in the pro
cess. The capacity of the works
will bo 20 tons a day , which means
that profitable employment will be
found for many persons in cutting
the cacti and hauling it to market.
This will be the lirst plant of ita
kind in the United States The
Pathfinder.
WHISTLER NOT CORDIAL.
Waller Crane gives a character
istic anecdote of Whistler , the paint-
r. The "Butterfly , " as Whistler was
called , was not inclined to be cor
dial when , disguised as a Spanish
cavalier in black , with a big som
brero , at a fancy-dress ball , ho found
himself alongside of Mr. Crane , as
Cimabue , all in white. Crane says :
"I had mot him previously at one
of his own private views , and said
to him , by way of greeting , that I
thought 1 had had the pleasure of
meeting him before ; but he only
said , drilyrery likely , ' and wo
didn't get any further. "
THE QUESTION ANSWERED.
A now rector in a village church
placed a question box at the door of
the sacred edifice and announced
that ho would answer all questions
put there.
"How can I prevent myself sleep
ing in church ? " was the question of
a wag.
"Stay homo ; your snoring annoys
the rest of the congregation , " was
the answer.
And after that there was no fur
ther attempt at levity.
FIRED BY HERTZIAN WAVES.
Experiments were recently made
with the explosion of fixed torpe
does at a distance by means of Hert
zian waves. The apparatus em
ployed is the invention of Senor
Balsera , a telegraph ollicial. The
results of the trials are declared to
have been satisfactory. The invent
or has asked for facilities to study
the application of his system to the
working of torpedoes.
WHERE IT BELONGED.
"You made a mistake in putting
that , engagement to a Spanish duke
in the commercial column. "
"Not on your life , " replied the
editor. "Perhaps you didn't notice
th * > nrifi < ? oaid for the duke. "
NOT HARD TO COPE WITH
Medical Science Was Equal to Ntw
and Wonderful Form of Hu
man Affliction.
\ medical Hludont who prided
himself on being n humorist was
running down the stops of the hos-
> itnl which ho was "walking , " when
le met n fellow-student. "Hello ,
Jrown ! " cried the latter , noticing
hat his friend looked pleased. "You-
re in a hurry , What's the matter
uiy good cases ? "
"I should think so I" cried Brown.
'We've got a woman in the ward up
stairs who is so cross-eyed that the
enra run down her buck 1"
"Bless mo ! " said his friend. "You
nin't do anything for her , can you ? "
"I should think wo can in fact ,
vo have , " cried Brown ; "we're treat
ed her for bacteria ! "
UNROMANTIC PAPA.
She ( gushingly ) I had mich a lovely -
ly convursiitlun with your son Just
now.
now.Old
Old Father ( cynically ) Why , did
ho propose to you ?
ELECTRICITY ITS BEGINNING.
When we speak of "volts" in elec
tricity , we pay oftlimcs an uncon
scious tribute to Alexander Volta
who hi Paris just one hundred years
ago made public a contrivance that
assured a steady How of electricity.
His discovery remains practically
unchanged to tin's day. Previously ,
a current of electricity had been de
rived from a series of pieces of zinc
and copper , each bit of metal wrap
ped in a cloth saturated with acid.
Volltt improved this by putting each
nine and copper pan in a cup by
itself filled with acid. From this
"crown of cups" a steady current
was produced and it is this voltaic
cell that has taught the modern elec
trician his business.
A THANKFUL FARMER.
It is related of an old farmer re
siding in Australia that ho was jog
ging to chapel in his usual manner ,
in order to take part in the harvest
thanksgiving service. The harvest
had been small , and the rain was
still pelting mercilessly.
"Whore arc you going ? " asked a
sneering neighbor.
"To the harvest thanksgiving to
thank God for His mercies , " an
swered the farmer.
"And suppose God is not there ? "
said the uL'ighbor.
"Then we'll praise Him behind
his back , " said the worthy old man ,
as he jogged on towards the chapel.
POOR OUTLOOK.
The rich young man who was
trying to learn to work had fallen
in love with the daughter of his em
ployer , but he found that his path
was by no means clear of obstacles.
"You tell me your father objects
to your marrying me , " ho said , in a
crestfallen tone. "Is it because I
am in hw employ ? I can leave it
and go back to a life of idleness
if he prefers. "
"Oh , no , that isn't what he wants , "
said thV object of his choice. "lie
says I may marry you just as soon
as you're valuable enough to have
your salary raised. " Youth's Com
panion.
AUTOMOBILE SEARCHLIGHT.
The automobile searchlight adopt
ed for the British army , is on a ve
hicle designed for 22 to 25 miles an
hour , and , having cannon wheels
with bronze treads and heavy pneu
matic tires , traverses cultivated
fields and bad roads at 12 to 1(1 (
miles. The steel chassis is 20 feet
long , carrying a four-cylinder
Brooke petroleum motor of 45 horse
power and a three-foot lens pro
jects a 40,000 candlepower beam
of light three or four miles. With
four men the apparatus supplies
light , traveling or at rest , for 10
ar 12 hours without interruption.
TRUE DAUGHTER OF VASSAR
Boston Girl Could Not Stand for Mis
pronunciation Even From
the Florist.
A charming young Boston girl
just out of Viiflsar was critically ex
amining the stock of a florist's stall
in Tretnont street.
" 1 want flowers for two largo win
dow boxes , " said she , "and they're
to be red and blue. That lot
of lobelias will do nicely. How much
arc these ? " she added , pointing to a
row of flaming geraniums.
"Ten cents , three for a quarter , "
said the florist. "Fine geraniums ,
tool"
The Vassar girl gave him a glance
of pity. Then , very delicately , as
if not to wound the man's feelings
by the correction , she said , "I will
take a dozen of your best gornuia. "
Harper's Weekly.
FITNESS OF THINGS.
Moddcrs , who had eaten a hearty
breakfast of ham and eggs , with the
usual evidences of the meal on his
shirt front and waistcoat for Med-
dera was a hit careless in his feeding
leaned back in his chair with se
rene satisfaction. '
"Well , " he said , "I fee ! belter.
I'll go now and order that suit of
clothes I liavo been intending for
the last month or more to add to
my wardrobe. "
"If you take my advice , " suggest
ed the feminine autocrat of the
breakfast table , surveying him with
marked displeasure , "you'll get a
pepper and salt suit. "
"What for ? "
"To go with all that egg. " Chicago
cage Paily News.
WATCHES NEED A REST.
"Watches got tired out just the
same as people , " said a methodical
man who worries if his timepiece
isn't right up to scratch.
"Kvory little while my watch
would stop running with its usual
legularity and lose about half an
hour in a day. I took it to the jew
eler once or twice , but it still had
those,1 spells. One day I found out
accidentally that it was just tired.
If I lay it away somewhere for a
day or two when it gets one of those
losing fits and then wind it up again
it will keep perfect time. All it
poems to need is a little rest. "
PROFESSIONAL STOICISM.
The dentist on the third floor was
treating a tooth for the dentist on
the fifth floor.
"I hope I'm not hurting you , " ho
said , as the drill slipped into the
nerve cavity.
There was no response.
"I say I hope I didn't hurt you
any. "
The dentist in the chair opened
iiis eyes.
"I beg your pardon for not hear
ing you , doc , " he said. "I must
have fallen asleep. "
TIME WAS MONEY.
A clergyman not long ago re
ceived the following notice regard
ing a marriage thatwas to take
place at the parish house :
"This is to give you notis that I
and Mis Jemima Arabella Brearly
is comin' to your church on Satur
day afternoon nex' to undergo the
operation of matrimony at your
hands. Please bo promp , as the cab
is hired by the hour. " Ladies'
Homo Journal.
IN DOUBT ABOUT ONE POINT.
"But I have talked long enough ,
my friends , " said the long winded
orator. "Before I sit down , how
ever , 1 am willing to answer any
questions you may like to ask us to
points I may have failed to cover
in my discourse. "
A brief pause followed.
Then a timid looking man in the
audience rose.
"Is a motion to adjourn in or
der ? " he asked.
HOW HE DID IT.
"I can't understand , " said the
doctor after the operation had been
performed and the patient had been
prepared for burial , "how your hus
band was ablo.to live , with such an
aflliction as he had. "
"Well , you see , " replied the sorrowing
rowing widow , "it was years and
years before wo could persuade him
to go on the operating table. "
PROVERBIAL.
"Alas , " said the jeweler as the
fat mail leaned through his show-
counter with a crash , "circumferen
ces alter cases. " Princeton Tiger.