THE FALLS CITY TRIBUNE. FRIDAY. NOVEMBER 22. 1907
HAS LIVED AND LEARNED
Mr. Klllklnton on Way to Revise His
Views as to Humor of An Old
Song.
"You remember , " said Mr. Kill-
kinton , "that grand old song ,
'Grandpa's teeth ore plugged with
zinc ? '
"Well , [ always supposed that that
zinc business was simply a grotes
quely humorous flight of fancy. I
never thought that anybody's teeth
could really be filled with zinc ; but
now 1 am not so sure about that.
"Lately I have had four teeth
filled , and no two have been filled
with the same material. One was
filled with amalgam , one with gold ,
one with porcelain and one with gut-
ta percha ; and now the material
they used to fill grandpa's teeth with
in the song doesn't seem to me any
thing like so ridiculous as it did.
'I have seven teeth yet to be
filled ; and if the dentist keeps on
as he has begun , using something
different for every tooth , why , I
wouldn't be surprised if before I got
through I had one tooth at least
filled with zinc. ' '
SOUNDED LIKE DRINKS.
Hans was the- big , good-natured
German who received the pet dogs
of summer tourists and placed them
in the baggage car. The other Hay
linns made out the following re
port :
"Received four bulldogs , six poodles
les , three pugs and two 'half-and-
halfs. ' "
The station master was puzzled.
" .Hans , " ho said , reading the re
port for the third time , "what in
the world does 'half-and-half mean.
You must be thinking about
drinks ? ' '
"No , dey vas French poodles. "
"But windo vou call them 'half-
and-half s'T
"Because dey was half shaved und
half not shaved. "
CHILDREN'S HAIR.
A thing mothers should work
against is the keeping of the hair
dressed in one style too long. If
parted , the part becomes too wide.
When the hair is not parted at all
it is dilh'cult to find one. A little
change in the style of dressing the
hair will rest the nerves and im
prove the condition of the child.
For a very small girl granny curls
arc used. The hair is parted , and
narrow ribbons tie two curls so that
they will fall over the ears when the
bonnet is on , in front of the strings.
A child's hair is never pretty
braided , and if braided lightly it
may loosen the roots , a source of
TOLD IN FEW WORDS.
In a Tennessee court an old col
ored woman wn * put on the witness
ftand to tell what she knew about
the annihilation of a hog by a rail
way locomotive.
Being sworn , she was asked if she
bad seen the train kill the hog in
question.
"Yawah , I seed it. " ,
"Then , " said counsel , "tell the
court in as few words as possible just
bow it occurred. "
"Yo' Jlonah , " responded the old
lady , "I shore kin tell yo' in a few
words. It jest tooted an' tuck him. "
Success.
IMPORTS SONG BIRDS.
Dr. Charles McCutcheon of Tacoma -
coma , Wash. , has long felt that the
woods of the Puget sound district
are too silent and need the joyous
songs of birds to enhance their beau
ty. A year ago he bought a number
of skylarks in England and liberated
Miem in Washington. They have
thrived and multiplied and now he
is going to make a similar experi
ment with other kinds of birds.
THE REMEDY.
Sweet Young Thing I suppose ,
Mr. Oldhead , that you are sometimes
afllictcd with writer's cramp ?
Oldhead ( novelist ) Oh' , yes , my
dear ; very often.
S. Y. T What do yon do for it ,
.Mr. Oldhead ?
Oldhead Oh , T put up my watch ,
or negotiate a small loan from some
of the bovs.
OUT OF THEIR CLASS.
"Yes , " said Mr. Cumrox , "mother
and the girls have learned to sing ,
play the piano , paint and speak sev
eral languages. "
"You must be very proud of
them. "
"I am ; croud , but lonesome. "
FROM THE LAND 0' CA <
Comes a Protest Against According
Fulton Honor That Has Hither *
to Been Paid Him.
Scotland will not accept thu claim
that Fulton was the originator of
the steamboat. From an article
in the Hallway Magazine about a
steam vessel named the Cbarlotto
Dundas , which Symington , a Scots
man , constructed in 1801 for the
Forth and Clyde canals , we extract
the following passage :
"After a successful trial in 1789
with a ( steam ) boat which attAined
a speed of six miles an hour , Sym
ington , the inventor of the steam
boat , at the request of Lord Dundas ,
constructed a steamer in 1801 to
be used as a tug on the canal. This
vessel was named the Charlotte Dun-
das and was tried in March , 1802.
when it towed with ease two loaded
barges , each of seventy tons burden ,
but the canal board objected to its
use on the ground that the undula
tion of the water from the paddle
wheel action would have the effect
of washing away the banks of the
canal. "
BUSINESS CHANCE.
Mr. Mnnn Eli , what's that ?
Patsy I so/ bore Is a desirable knothole -
hole wet I'll rent you.for ten cents n
hour' ! '
FATAL SYMPTOM.
The professional auctioneer , hav
ing just told the crowd the usual
story to the effect that the watch
he was trying to sell was a full jew
eled timepiece , with chronometer
balance wheel and solid gold filled
case , suddenly felt himself blush
ing at the aged and venerable lie.
"Great snakes ! " he said to him
self. "That's the first time such a
thing has happened to me in thirty-
seven years ! It means either soft-
enen' of the brain or fatty degenera
tion of the heart ! "
Hastily stepping down from the
little platform behind the counter ,
he went into the back room and an
nounced to the silent partner that ho
had retired from the business for
good and all.
LIGHT WORK.
"Assistant to an inventor ! Oh ,
how delightful ! " the young man
cried.
'Salary a hundred a month.
Hours 10 toI. . Is it a go ? " inquired
the other.
"Well , rather ! " said the young
man. "And what , " he added light
ly , "will my duties be ? "
"The simplest , " was the answer.
" 1 am an inventor or aeroplanes ,
and you will merely have to go up
in mv various new machines. "
GOOD IN POSTAL CARDS.
The picture or souvenir postal
card is probably doing more to make
the world known to the untraveled
than all the geographies and gazet
teers. There is scarcely a village
anywhere in the domain of the pos
tal union that has not had its pic
ture taken for a postal card im
pression in black or white or in col
ors , and thus its humble fame has
been carried over seas and intro
duced to the four corners of the
Union.
WOULD HAVE A LONG WAIT.
"Bring me some ice water , Brid
get , and put a large piece of ice in
the pitcher , " said a lady to her re
cently engaged servant. After wait
ing twenty minutes the lady called
for Bridget to inquire why it took
so long to bring the ice water.
"Shure , ma'am , " replied Bridget ,
"the big loomp of ice ain't melted
yet. "
PUNITIVE INSTRUMENTS.
"I suppose you'll bo sorry , " said
the groom-to-be , "when it comes
fjinn for your big sister's wedding. "
"Nof inut h ! " replied the bad lit-
tl > lir-t'i ' , r lt'haf'll gimme an ex-
t. i o . . . . . . ' ; rw's alipuera away. "
MAN'S BRAIN NOT GROWING
Scientists Assert That Practically
There Has Been No Change
Since Dawn of History.
While there may be more or less
change or variation , men are of
practically the same stature and the
same size of rain today as they
were before the dawn of history. In
prehistoric ages the .size of the hu
man brain increased enormously. It
is now larger relatively to the bulk
of body than that of any other mam
mal , and is proportionately five or
six times larger than that of any
Simian now existing. In the Sim
ians and in mammals generally , as
in the elephant und horse , wherever
there is much cerebral substance
there is a corresponding "educabil-
ity" or power of storing up individ
ual experience1 as opposed to in
stinctive racial experience. But in
man the increased bulk of brain
ceased in the early palaeolithic times.
"I-'ducability" then began to dif
ferentiate the human races.
MUCH PHOTOGRAPHED MAN.
Who is the most photographed
person ? asks a London paper ,
which answers that his followers
claim this distinction for Gen.
Booth. Since the general started
on his motor tour through England
md Wales he bus been photographed
more than ' 1,000 limes. According
to a count made by an ollicial ac
companying him the daily average
of snapshot photographs exceeds
SOO. "If all the photographs ever
tajcen of Gen. Booth were brought
together. " said an ollicial , "there
would probably be a million differ-
nt pictures in it. " So great became
Hie number of photographers at
Carnarvon , where the general was
speaking at an open-air meeting ,
that they had to be repulsed.
NEW YORK AS CIGAR MARKET.
Xew York is the greatest cigar
making state in the Union , its pro-
.luct more than equaling in value
that of its nearest two rivals , Penn
sylvania and Florida. In 'spite of
tbe vogue of Havana labels and the
superstition that only desirable
iigars come from the West Indies ,
the importations from that quarter
ire only a drop in the bucket com
pared with the vast domestic output ,
which in the year 11)0-1 ) reached a
/aluo of $ - < J 14,000,000. As a matter
) f fact , New York State turns out
norc than fifteen times as big a
supply of cigars as the whole country
mports from Cuba.
DRINK FROM CUCUMBER.
In Egypt the cucumber is made
o yield a pleasant cooling drink by
.he following ingenious method :
\ hole is cut in the cucumber , the
nilp is broken and stirred with a
stick , and the hole sealed with wax.
Then the cucumber is lowered into
pit , where after a few days the
juice ferments , which the Egyptian
Irinks and finds he has a liquor en
tirely to his taste. In our own coun
try soup with its delicate flavor is an
xvcellent introduction to a hearty
ind elaborate meal.
LOOKED LIKE A MONKEY.
Motorist What are you dodging
about behind mo for , boy ?
Boy I wuz Just a-lookln' to see If
yer 'ad a tail.
QUITE A DIFFERENCE.
Alice "Kate is awfully disap
pointed. That young Englishman
isked her if she thought a married
ouple could get along on thirty a
week and she hastened to say yes. "
Mildred " "
"Well ?
Alice "Now she has discovered
that he meant thirty shillings. "
TOO INDULGENT.
"I don't see why you sneer at Mr.
Markley , " she said , "because he's so
shabby. Clothes don't make a man. "
"Xo , " replied her husband , "but
his wife's clothes often break a man.
I sneer at Markley because he's fool
enough to be that sort of a man. "
ARMS AND THE MEN.
"Papa , will you please tell me
something ? "
"What is it , my son ? "
"Do they arm the cavalry wilh
horse
READY WITH HER ANSWER
Woman's "Searching of the Scrip.
tures" Had Equipped Her for
An Emergency.
A certain Boston man doesn't go
to church often , but a week or so
ago he was persuaded by his wife
and they attended services together ,
says Harper's Weekly. Upon their
return home ho. regarded her with
a teasing'look and asked :
"Now look here , my dear ; which
is worse , not to go to church at all ,
or to go and pay absolutely no at
tention to the service ? "
"If you mean that for me L think
you are horrid , " she replied.
"Well , you didn't ; you were look
ing at those diamonds the woman
in front of you had on all the time. "
For an instant she blushed , for
she was an honest little woman , but
quickly recovered her poise.
"Oh , well , suppose 1 was , " she re
torted ; didn't you ever hear of ser
mons in stones ? "
NOT BY OBSERVATION.
One question asked United States
Senator Beveridge regarding his
book , "TJie Young Man of the
World , " was :
"Senator , how did you learn all
those things you tell young men in
your book ? "
The Senator's eyes twinkled.
"What is the best way to learn ? "
he asked.
"ISxperienee , " hazarded his ques
tioner. '
"Hxactly , " replied the Senator.
"But , Senator , you point .out all
sorts of mistakes that it is wise for
young men to avoid. ' '
"Yes ? "
"How did you learn about ( hope
mistakes ? "
"VVell , " replied the Senator
thoughtfully and conservatively , "it
was not by observation. "
IN SIGN LANGUAGE.
During the Kusso-Japanese war
certain correspondents wanted to
purchase some eggs in Manchuria
and none of them knew the local
name for them. They tried all the
languages they knew , but in vain ,
until one genius sat down on his
haunches , waved his arms and said
"cluck-cluck. " Another
- correspond
ent tells how he was once in a hurry
to catch the train from Moscow to
St. 1'etersburg and as the drosehky
came up he remembered that he
had forgotten the Hussian for "sta
tion. " There are many restaurants
and other resorts in Moscow named
after the capital. "Peterborg pull' ,
put ! ' ! " said the correspondent , and
the driver smiled with understaml-
FELT IT KEENLY.
Thirsty Dill Hy gum , Freddie1 , wo
mlsBod a treat at that concert Inst
night. This 'ore paper suys the music
was simply Intoxicating ,
LOVE CHILDHOOD.
Love childhood ; encourage its
sports , its pleasures , its amiable in
stincts , Who of you has not some
times looked back with regret on
that age when a smile was ever on
the lips , when the soul was ever at
peace ? Why would you take from
those little innocents the enjoyment
of a time so short which is slipping
from them and of a good so precious
which they cannot abuse ? Jean
Jacques Itousseau.
NEVER BURNT BEFORE.
"Will you direct mo to Farmer
Skinner's house ? " asked the newly
arrived summer boarder.
"I will of you want me to , " re
plied the station lounger.
"I shall have to ask you for ex
plicit directions , because I've never
been there before. "
"Gosh ! I know ' '
that , sccin' ye're
o sot on gain' there now. "
ONE MAN'S WISDOM.
Superintendent What excuse did
Oldlmch offer for declining to buy
* lot in the new cemetery ?
Solicitor He wild he might be
< > * t at sea ; then he'd have no use
for it.
HAS NO PERILS FOR HIM
"Human Bug" Is Very Much at His
Ease Where Slight Slip Would
Be Fatal.
Win. F. Hamslmuor , of New York
city , who calls himself "Thu Hu
man Bug , " entertained a great part
of Cincinnati and the inhabitants of
the Kentucky hills with an acrobatic
performance on a Hag pole recently.
Hamshauer stood on his head , bal
anced himself ton his feet , swung
himself like a flag and sat cross-
legged like a Turk , reading a news
paper , on the gilded ball that sur
mounted the 30-foot staff on the
nine-story building. Crowds gather
ed on the down town streets and on
the hills on the other side of the
river and watched the steeplejack
work.
All the while the polo swayed , but
the "Human Bug" wasn't nervous.
It was the first time he wasn't nerv
ous for a week. He says he is al
ways nervous when hi1 is down on the
ground , and is at his ease near the
louds. Itamshauer smokes cigar
ettes , which are supposed to make
people shaky. Technical World
Magazine.
WALKING WITH HEAD DOWN.
The habit of walking "head
down" seems to bo growing upon us.
I can not help noticing that a vast
majority of men are gazing blankly
at the pavement as they proceed.
\re they immersed in thought ? Arc
they weak in the ncek Are their
hats too heavy ? Do they try to
avoid acquaintances ? Are they en
deavoring to make an impression
that they are working out some
jiunl problem ? Is there anything
pretty in thu pavement ? Are their
shoes attractive ? Are they ashamed
to lift their eyes , throw out their
chests and look the world in the
face ? How many men do you know
who sit erect in a public convey
ance , eyes on the level , head well
poised on a straight neck ? New
York Press.
LIEuYENANT MAN.
The end and cause why God im
prints in the weak and feeble flesh
of man this image of His own power
and majesty , is not to puff up flesh
in opinion of itself ; neither yet tlial
the heart of him that is exalted
above others should be lifted up by
presumption and pride , and so des
pise others ; but that he should con
sider he is appointed lieutenant to
One , whose eyes continually watch
upon him , to sco and examine ho\\
he behaves himself in his office.
John Knox.
ITS DAILY THRILL.
The through train from the west
had stopped at the little station
where the overland flyer from the
east was to pass.
"What is the population of your
village ? " asked one of the passen
gers.
gers."I
"I don't know , sir , " said the
station agent , "but if I lie1 train does
n't leave within the next five min
utes you'll have time to count 'em
for yourself. They're all here at
the deepo. "
WHEN MILDRED SAW THE LORD
In the midst of the Sunday
school lesson Mildred interrupted
with the assertion " '
startling , "I've
seen God. "
"You have , my dear ? " the teacher
replied , "and when was that ? "
"Last week ; and God nells clams.
When he came to our house , mama
went to the door and she said , "My
Lord ! T don't want any more clams
to-day. "
ADMITTED THAT MUCH.
"But , " she persisted , "you cannot
deny it. A woman's life is made
up of sacrifices. "
"Of sacrifice hales , yes , " replied
the brute , her husband.
JUST AS BAD.
Nodd When I want to get rid
of my wife for a few days , I just
send for my relatives.
Todd But how do you got rid of
your relatives ? Life.
AN EXPERT.
Myer "I understand your friend
Bumps is an expert phrenologist. "
'
Gyer "You bet'he is. Why , he
can tell what's in a barrel by exam
ining its head. "
NATURE OF THE CASE.
She "Isn't this flat , just too nice
for anything ? "
He "Naturally , it Ls a suite af
fair. " Baltimore American.
IN PRAISE OF LAZINESS
Here Are Two Successful Men Who
By No Means Consider It a
Vice.
One of the most celebrated ad
mirals of our day , whose name ifl
closely associateil with deeds of con
spicuous hardihood and valor , when
asked by a friend the secret of his
remarkable success , answered naive
ly : "I'll tell yon , my boy. It was
just through being it thoroughly lazy
man. "
Sir Francis Laking , thn King's
physician , is very much in sympathy
with that especial form of laziness
which produce's heroes and heroines ,
Bays a writer in The Young Man.
ITo is not at nil of the same opinion
as ' those hustling folk who maintain
that ' change of work is as good as a
holiday ' , and that laziness is under
all ' circumstances a vice.
Whenever any one of this great
doctor's patients is starting olt on a
pleasure trip he oilers some such
eommonsonsc advice as this :
"Don't overtire yourself. Don't
let bracing air and novel surround
ings persuade you to lake too long
walks. Don't shorten your hours
of sleep , and don't eat too much. "
EITHER WAY.
Harbor Shall I tnko a llttlo offtho
ends of your hair , nlr ?
Customer Yea , yes ! I think you
bettor take It olt tlio cuds , unions you
can iot It out of thu middle.
OUR OWN MINSTRELS.
"Mistah Jinkins , why am a scold-
in' woman's tongue , when it's goin'
all de time ? "
"I am not sure , George , that I un
derstand you. 'Why is'a scolding
woman's tongue when it's going all
the time' what , is the rest , George ?
"Ain't no rest to it. Got caught
elF yo' base dafc time , didn't yo' , Mis-
tab'.link-ins ? "
"Ladies and gentlemen , the emi
nent tenor , M'siou Yellike Phowry ,
will now sing the favorite sentiment
al ballad , 'Answer Me the Old , Old
Question , Love ; How Do You Kut a
Soft Shell Crab ? "
CHINESE THRIFT.
.Nothing more marvelous than the
rapidity with which the restless en
ergy and thrift of the Chinaman
raises him to a position of ailluence.
Even beggars grow rich without any
apparent effort beyond the magic
of their industry , and return to Chi
na with fortunes. In Singapore are
numerous instances of Chinese who
have raised themselves to wealth
from literal beggary. Yesterday in
rags , they are today rich. They own
handsome1 villas with wonderful gar
dens , they drive in elegant carriages
and smoke the most costly cigars.
THEY WERE ON THE FRIEZE.
Private John Allen , excongrcss-
man and wit , was lunching recently
in a rathskeller when a row of little
Dutch girls in quaint caps and ap
rons ornamenting the walls attract
ed the attention of a member of Mr.
Allen's party.
"What are those children doing ? "
said the man in question , studying
attentively the decoration.
"They must be skating , " answered
John Allen , soberly ; "they're on the
frieze , you know. "
OFFICERS AND SWORDS.
During the Boer war many. Brit
ish officers lost their lives because of
having carried their swords into ac
tion , the weapons enabling the Boer
riflemen to distinguish officers from
the rank and file. The losses be
came so serious that .orders were is
sued for officers to carry rifles and '
equipment similar to that of the pri
vate soldier. These orders have re
mained in existence up to the pres
ent time , but their further neces
sity is now a matter of debate.
FORTUNATE YOUNGSTER.
The son recently born to the mar
quis of Bute will inherit eleven titles
und vasts estates in Scotland and
South Wales.