THE FALLS CITY TRIBUNE , FRIDAY , FEBRUARY 1 , 1907
A Few Funny Fables.
.V M1U ) KKl'KOOr
A clergyman was recently an
noyed by people talking and
srijjghnjr. He paused , looked at
the disturbers , and said : " 1 am
IS"A atraid to reprove those
who misbehave , for this reason.
Some years since , as t was
preaching , a young nian who
sat before me was constantly
laughing , talking and making
uncouth grimaces. I paused ,
IS" and administered a severe re
buke. After the close of the
sermon a gentleman said to me ,
'Sir , you have made a grave
mistake , that young man is an
idiot. ' Since then , 1 have al
m ways been afraid to reprove
those who misbehave themselves
in chapel , lest I should repeat
that mistake , and reprove an
other idiot. "
During the rest of the -ervice
there was good order.
MA OK'
An old colored lady heard
about a great magician that
was in town and the wonderful
things he could do do.
So she decided to go and see
him. She went t6 the theatre
where he was preforming and
told the man in the boxolliceshe
wanted a front seat. [ Je gave
her a front seat all right. When
the magician came i < ut he had a
piece of red llannel and read the
news through the llannel. The
old woman began to squirm
around. So the magician doub
led the llannel and read the pa
per through the double thick
ness. The old woman says to
the lady next to her. "Lor ,
chile , 1 must get out ol here. "
The lady reassured her , telling
her he wouldn't hurt her. " 1
knowse dat , " she says , "bill
this hain't no place for a woman
With only a calico dross on. "
PATRIOTISM
An Irishman in a mellow
mood was returning home one
night from a political meeting ,
At a street corner he stopped
and shouted , "Hurrah for Ire
land ! " when a surly passerb }
turned upon him with , "Hurral
for h11 ! "
'That's right , brother1 sail
the Irishman with a grin for the
other's black look. "That's
right , brother , every man foi
his own country1' !
win-UK TO SHOOT
In a Western town a shor1
time ago a young man weni
tramping over the country frou
place to place.
lie went into a Jewish cloth
ing store and asked to see ;
coat and vest. The .lew showec
him quite a number until he go
oiu > that suited him. When th <
.lew turned his head the tramj
ran out of the store and dowi
the street.
With the Jew close after hiu
shouting , "Stop thief , " "Po
lice , " an officer joined in tin
chase.
The officer commanded thi
thief to hall , but he r.in faste
than ever. The officer thei
pulled out his gun and tired ;
shot at the lleeing thief.
This alarmed the Jew , win
threw both hands above hi
head and said : " 0 police ! 0 pa
lice ! shoots him in the pants
for the coat and vest belong I
inc. "
NO niu HIVK
.Mr. and Mrs. Jones , a newl
married couple , had just move
into a very crowded lodging
house. His wife , just returne
from a shopping trip , knocke
at what she thought was he
husband's room , and sait
"Honey , let me in. " Receiviii ]
no answer she called again
little louder , "Boney , honey , k
me in. " No answer. Again sh
called , "htoney , honey , pleas
let me in. " In a minute a dee
masculine voice was heard t
"Aw shut ! this ain't
say : , up n
bee-hive ; it's a bathroom. "
UK Fixnn THKM
The mayor of an Ohio tow
tells this story :
Among my constituents is
German butcher , an hones
IU,1 ,
square old fellow , but with all
the stubbornness of his kind.
1 One day he came to me very
! much excited and highly indig
nant.
' "You should shtop id ! " he
| sputtered. "Kight uvay ! L don'd
like id , und T don'd shtrind id no
longer yet ! "
Vhat'R wrong ? " I aslccd.
He brought his list down on
the desk.
"You know vere 1 liff ? Yess ?
iighd along side dot United
States ( United Hrcthrensluirch ) :
yoss ! und dot pell rings ! Early
n der morning dot lain pell
ings righ ven fvants toschleep
yet. L been up latuder night
iefore mil mine pusiness und in
ler morning early I vant to
schleep und dot tarn pell rings
ind vakcs me up mil mine eyes
open mull I don'd schleep no
norc ! You dosomeding ! Yess ? "
L explained to him that L could
lo nothing in the matter , and
suggested that he attend the of-
ending church himself. lie gave
in angry snort.
"You don'd make 'em shtop ?
Y'ou don'd do nodding for me ? "
le demanding , seizing his hat.
"Den L do someding mi'selliif !
fix 'em ! "
1 warned him to be careful ,
jut he went out , shaking his
lead and reiterating his threat
to "fix 'em. "
Some time later I happened
o meet the old lellow , and was
reckoned mysteriously to his
side.
' Did you hear apout id ? " he
inquired. I had not heard it ,
: uul said so.
"Dotshurch , " he said , "undt
del lain pell ! L tixed 'em ! Ach !
my ! I tixed 'em ! Jey don'd bed-
dec me no more yel ! "
"And whal did you do ? " I
asked , fearful lest the loolish
old fellow had made trouble for
himself.
Making a trumpet of his
hands and standing on tiploe lc
reach my car , he answered , in n
loud , exultant whisper , ' ]
moofed ! "
T1IK WKONC ! OAKI )
I was ordered by my company
to "jump" from DcsMoines , la. ,
to Chicago --leaving DesMoines
one afternoon about four o'clocli
going lo Ames , a junction-point
on the North western Road , ar
riving there at six o'clock , 'phi
next east-bound train on UK
main line was due to arrive ii
Ames at ( > : l0 ! , giving me turn
enough to eat my dinner at tin
lunch counter in the depot ,
had just seated myself when ai
Irishman about sixty or sixty
live years of age , who looked ai
though ne had just come out o
a ditch , seated himself by mj
side. The waitress approachec
him and asked what he wanted
lie replied : "I'll have a han
sa-andwich and a glass of mil
ok. " The waitress tilled his or
der. and my attention wai
called to the Irishman the nex
moment by his mutterings. Tin
sandwich was composed of ;
bun cut in half , with a ver ;
small piece of ham fat betweei
the layers in fact it was in
larger than a silver dollar. II
looked at the waitress a inomen
and beckoning to her , said
"Come here , sisther-come here.
He then handed her the sand
wich and in an undertone said
"Begorra , you'll have to sliulll
thmi up again -I got the joker.
Man/.an I'llo Remedy put up in eoi
venicnt.collcpslblo tube * with no// ]
attachment so that the remedy may t
applied at the very scat of the troubl
thus relieving almost instantly bleei
injr , itching or protruding piles. Sail
faction guaranteed or monev refundei
Sold by A. ( . Wanner.
IiniHirtoil ilnui stallions , $ luoo oae
Homo broil ictfisu-iod draft stallions , 3M
$ M . Han liros . Osoool.i , loua.
Dr. Hannah C.Norai
IVrmerlj l > r rionimu
Physician and Surgeon
I * now located otic block West of tl
National hotel , where she will 1
pleased to * ec her old friend * and jia
rotts. Calls promptly answered nigl
or day.
'PHONE 102
Go Slow.
Up to tlupuscnt tinn- about
half of the lulls tli.tt have been
introduced in the kgisluturc rc
bills'directcd .iur'iinst UnmilroiuN
There is n wi-ll delitied suspicion
on the part ot many kvel hctirltd' '
people that tm whole snle iiitro-i
ducliun of th j .itiii-r.tilroad bill- . |
is a demonstr.ttion of demngogu- i
cry. There is no ijuestion buti
that several ot the railroad cor I
porations of the state have been i
great sinners and that they need I
legislative regulation but the law !
makers should act conservatively
in the matter. What the people
of the state desire is remedial legislation
islation not punitive measures.
Laws that will converse the in
terests of the public and at the
same time protect the railroads
in their just rights are equitable
laws and should be passed , l.ut
an effort to make the railroads a
sort ol scape goat the victims
of foolish radicalism unwise
and smacks too much of the dem-
agoguerv of Inirboiiism to be pal
atable to the tair minded people
of Nebraska. Capital has its
rights and these rights must be
protected if Nebraska expects
to keep in the front rank of pro
gressive commonwealths. Our
people do not want to rob the
railroads ot their rights to earn
fair dividends on their capital nor
do they want these corporations
to be made the victims of burden
some conditions. What our people
ple desire ot the legislature are
laws that are founded on justice
justice to the railroads and jus
tice to the patrons of the railroads.
Any other legislation would be
nfriendly to capital and to the
eople. The lawmakers should
jcar these facts in mind and let
hem guide their actions. Neb-
aslca is not in Akansas. Au
burn Republican.
-
"l-Mnenles" ( ami ulcnhllc ) made from
esln from our 1'ine Forests , used for
HitulredH of x'-urs for Bladder und
vldnev discuses Medicine for thirty
lays , $1 00. Guaranteed in jrivo satis-
action or nuinuy refunded. Gel your
"tmranti'i ; coupon from A. (5. Wnnner.
While the Journal is vilifying
ohn Hinton , Joe LJauer , Charley
cllcr and Joe Glasser , why not
ay something about drawing over
i thousand dollars last j'ear on
i printing bid of SlSfi. The
Tribune's bill for printing the
ballot ? for l'J04 ' has been held up
> y this outfit and has not yet
been paid , yet this gang has made
wcnty times the profits that we
would have made if our bill had
been promptly paid instead of
uld : up for three years. The
eve of the Martins for the tax
> ayers is the gigantic joke of
this century.
I'ine Sul\t ! Ciirboh/.ed aut * like a
ulttCiT highly antiseptic , exteiifivoly
ised for Kc/.ema , for chapped hands
Hid lipr , cuts bupiib Sold by A. G ,
Wanner
A Beautiful Picture.
Did you ever notice how really
beautiful gum chewing makes a
rid appear ? Take herde facto ,
and gazing steadily one can not
find a more ideal picture. With
a sharp click ! clack ! her teeth , so
white and pearly , are clashing to
gether as , with cowisb glee , she
masticates her cud. Then , too ,
one can note her health tinted ,
well rounded cheeks as they grow
a little more distended through
the material assistance of a huge
"hunk"of { yum. And really , who
can imagine a fairer spectacle
than that of her dainty upturned
nose , as it gently rises and falls
in wave like undulations over the
abysmal depths revealed at each
pressure against the mass ? Oh ,
ho.v deliciously tempting that
rosebud mouth is as the maiden
fills it with a soft , pliable chunk ,
and champing it like a festive
goat reveling in the luxuries ol
the succulent tomato can , she
greets you in tones husky with
gum. Its almost as delicious at
tractive as the pesky cigarette
stuck in the mouth of a pinheaded
dude. Auburn Kepuplican.
Kings Little Liver 1J111 thoroughly
eleau thi system , good for Inzy livers ,
makes clear complexions , bright eyes
and happy thoughts. Sold at A Ci.
Wanner' * Drug Store.
Here We Shine
t
\Vcilead in ilai.iur ? , tor ihu table. You will find .mr
line complete. Choice Hei-f , Pork , \ eul und Mutton.
All 1 uncling brnndn of smoked and salt meats. Oyster ,
Celery , Cranberries , lresh Fish , Salt Fish , Shrimp ,
Clams. Lobsters , Rabbits. Pickles and t'im ; homemade
Sausages. Poultry of < tli kinds.
CITY MEAT MARKET
A. E. SCHMIDT. PROP.
x r
The Falls City Roller Mills
Does a 'general milling- business , nii'l manufactures the jB
following1 brnmlb of flour S ]
SUNFLOWER MAGNOLIA CROWN g
The above brands arc gmir.ititectl to be of the higlie.it pos- < p
stblc ( iiiiility.Ve also tnanufnctnrc all mill product and V
conduct a general T
Grain , Live Stock and Coa ! Business c
cc
and solicit a sbaro of vottr patronage ?
?
I P. S. Heacock & Son , Fails City , Neb. '
s
The Great Paper of the Great West j
v reeoyuixed ah the tstiuiiueMt and moot i
in the most pie peionb n-uinn of the I'liited
Wherein It Leads.
ItS UneXCCllcd NeWS Service . - mbiiutthicontinuous leport
of the A-uclated Pru s. with dlpntehi oxery hour : the cenera ! ami
puiihtl surxice of the Now York UtTuiii : tne Heat-it truii cotiilnpnt.il
luttrud xvlro survit'cund -peuial rorru.-iondenuu | from TH II sTAlVS own
ruproi-entatlxe ? In Washington. D ( ' ; Ifflurson C'ltv. MM : TII | > I > KI , K .
and GntUrie. Ol < . in addition to tinlareo { , ' ' 'i-"t f new * that i-onn -
daily from several hundred other inert reir. > entiit.ivf- .
Its Market Reports and Comments i.ave uu unthorit..tive
value that causes them to bo telegraphed in all partof the L'nit.'d '
Static the moment TliM 53 I'All comes from thf pre a. No western man
oven indirectly intero-ted in the value of fond product- , stock * and
securities can atVurd to be without THE -STAR'S dnlly reford or prlcf *
and conditions.
ItS Special Features include ThuUhHpt-ronV. column , in which
are unsxvercd qucbtione nertitininir to beauty aids and ociHl custom * IIJK !
a11'uirt > , u department for inquir rs on other ' ubjects und n wide rnni'o
of miscellaneous articles throwlni : side lisihtipon the world'- moat iu-
tercstins people and evpnt ? thp e in udditloo to a vlsrormi ? editorial
pane , absolutely independent nolitlcallv. and a Sunday i ue that i-
full of live special matter und h unun interef t
13 Papers Each week for 10 cents
The Kansas City Star was the first and i > -till il , Mt\
ncxvepuppr to dt > livM n c'oniplt'te nidi niim pnpei. Till * KAN
SAS CITY TIM l'X t . its Mibsoiibe-s wiihoiit MI- - . , - m tie
: 'oc = Jersey . '
* >
I will bell at public sale at my farm one in lc north ol Salem di -
pot , three and one half miles south of YiT.'nn. ' u ht miles north
west of Falls City and nine miles southeast of Dawsmi i-n
Tvesd y , February 5th ,
Sale cotnmeticiiitf at 1 o'clock p. in.
52 Duroc-Jersey Brood Sows
Consisting of two matured and tried SOWN eijjit fall _ \ curlings and
twenty-two spring { lilts bred to strictly choice boars , and each and
every one guaranteed safe in pifr. This is uithout doubt the best
bunch of sows I have ever been able to olTer.Viite fur catalogue.
TERMS : -Sums of S2U and under cash. On sums over that
amount a credit of 10 months will be given on bankable note draw
ing eight per cent interest from date of - . . ; .
L. W. LEONARD
Cook
C. II. MARION , Aucts.
Carpets !
Are higher for spring but we
have been able to place our
orders where the advance is
the least we know of.
Our carpet catalogue for
spring will be ready about
February 15th. Do not pur
chase until you get it-
This branch of our business
was so good last fall that we
are making greater prepara
tions than ever to get all car
pet sales in this county for
spring.
Don't buy until you see our
lines.
Reavis © . Abbey
Constipation
Italccd sweet npples. with some people , bring
, tirompt relief lor Constipation With others ,
1 coarse oil-wheat bread will liaxo lliu same effect
| Uaturo undoubtedly has n , vegetable remedy tc
i relieve ovorylallment known to man. it physicians
can but llnd Nature's way to health , And thlsl ;
I ttriktaRly true with regard to Constipation.
The bark of n certain tree iu California Cus
cara Saernda offers n most excellent aid to thli
end. Hut. combined with Egyptian Senna. Slip
uery Kim Bark. Solid Extract of Prunes , etc. . till :
same Cascara bark is clvcn Its grwte t posslbli
I power to correct constipation A toothsomi
i dndjr Tablet , called Lax-cts , i > now made at tin
Dr. Snoop Laboratories , from till , ingenuous am
most effective prescription. Its effect on Const !
patlon. llilloimie&s. fcour Momach. lud Itreath
tallow Complexion , etc. is indeed prompt am
satlsl > lnc.
i No griping , no unpleasant after iffecu ro ex
perienced , untl I-ax-ets are put up I" bMittllu
, lithographed metal boxeat 5 run * uud io ! cent
per box. ,
Tor something new. nice , economical am
effective , try a box of
esa
( ALL DEALERS )
For Backache
Rheumatisn
Pineules
and the Kid
neysjDiDladde :
WI-.LL SERVED
roast meats means sum
inort1 than beini ; \ \ - roasted.
The roast to bey inith must be
what we call
"PRIME ROASTS"
When you vl Hint hind and
the cuok knows what to do with
it you're sure of a roast to please
the epicure.
You supply the cook and \\r
will supply the "prime roast * . "
We've made it a study and don't
make mistakes. We pay the
highest prices for hides and
furs. Phone 74.
Heiser & Mosiman.
Chas. M. Wsison
X ev Dinnrnvai'c in
white and decorated for
this season. .Vow sold
In the seer piece-1.
The Lnrjjest : ' tool : ot
Fancy China and Uinner-
Avare in the County.Ve
can make you prices. A
full stock of < roocl Qrocer-
ies , of nuts , etc. Try
our Coffee's.
Chas. M. Wilsoro
DR. H. T. HAHN
VETERINARIAN
Office at Melts' Barn. Office
Phone 130. Residence Phone
21W.
PALLS CITY. NEBRASKA
R. P. ROBERTS
IDELNTI'ST '
Otlice over Ivi i r'- 1'tini niiic.x
Otllce Phctif 200 IJ.-ldfi.i . - I 271
Tin- lust imimrtcil lunsoc 51,000 i-aclt.
Uouu-bieil rvul stored draft stallions , 52io to
S750 at inv Ntablo iltmrs. A. Lattnirr XA'IKou ,
Cro-toii. la.
Hides , Furs and Tallow.
I will pay the highest market
price for hidis , furs and tallow.
See mo at Wachtel's harness shop
5t K. W. SCHKOKDKK.
During that trying period in
which women so often suffer
from nervousness , backache ,
sick headache , or other-pains ,
there is nothing that can equal
Dr. Miles' Anti-Pain Pills.
tTliey stop the pains , soothe the
nerves , and give to
Women
the relief so much desired. If
taken on first indication of
pain or misery , they will allay
the irritable condition of the
nerves , and save you further
suffering. Those who use them
at regular intervals have ceas
ed to dread these periods. They
contain no harmful drugs , and
leave no effect upon the heart
or stomach if taken as directed.
They give prompt relief.
"I have been nn Invalid for 9
years. I have neiualsi. . rheumatism
and pains nround the heart. By
using Dr. lilies' Anti-rain 1'llls I am
relieved or the pain , aril get sleep
nnd rest. I think hail 1 known ot
the Pain rills xvlien I v.-a - l.rst taken
sick , they would have cured me. I
recommend them for pcrlodlpains. ; . '
MI5S. IIEXIIY FUNK. 13. Akron.O.
Dr. Miles' AnU-Paln Pills are sold by
your druoalst. who will guarantee that
the first package will benefit. If It
falls , he will return your money.
25 doses , 25 cents. Never sold In bulk.
Miles Medical Co. , Elkhart. Ind