- - - - - - - .
- ; II ; AND
Re } ort Courteous.
At IL dlnucr party the other even'
IIII- a cullow youth found himself
Heated between two young men who
own n lIIerchullt allorlllg ( establish-
III CII t.
" ) -a whn0 hcell idaCd between
two-nw-tallors , It seems , " remarked
hit 1lllIlclottl.
"Yeti , " rCll1ed ) one of the young
men , "nllll nt the present stage of
the game wo have ollly one goose
between liS "
- - -
Looked the Part.
I
. .
o -
\
The Cop-Yes , sir , yer honor , an' nfJ
I was passing by the corner the prisoner '
Ollel' here , who was blockading 110
sidewalk \ ] , sprang at mo treat and
struck mo will his : ! fist and It was only
by superhuman effort dat I brung him
here.
) .I . ' . " , - ' -
All Her FauHs.
1\Iy client , " amid the counsel ] for
.tho plaintiff ] In a hreach'or'Jlromlso
case , "Informs me that you frequently
put your arm around her waist. "
"SlIro I dM , " admitted the dofond.
nil t , "but it was always nt her request !
IInti I am too good.natured to decline
a pressing Invitation. "
rt
The One Essential.
" believe ) , " said the sanguine , hut
visignary , Inventor , "If I only had
time' I cOllld make a successful flying \
ml1chlno. "
"Of course , you cOllld mnl\O' It all
right If you only had plenty of time.
Time flies , you know "
- -
I
Thoughtful , Indeed.
"Vnn Slick Is very thoughtfuJ. "
"How so ? "
" 'Vh ) ' , ho has arranged nn nuto'
matlc atomizer on his auto which
sprinkles perfume along the street
I and overcomes the odor of the gaso ,
l1no. "
I - . . . . . . - ;
Painless.
"Do you believe In the old maxim ,
'No pains , no gains' ? "
"Hardly. With mo It's 'Any pain ,
no gnln. ' "
"Indeed ! What business '
are you
Mi"
. . .
" ' "
"Ob , I'm a dentist.
-
Get Rich Quick.
Gunner-"The say Darker has
been married three times Did he
make any money out of marrying so
often ? "
Gu'er-"I should say so lie made
as much money out of marrying as n
St Joe minister. "
- - -
. Joys of Wedlock.
'Ve may as well come to nn un'
derstandlng right now , " said the
angry h\1l bnnd. "It may he hard for
you 'to hear the truth from me ,
but- "
"Indeed It Is , " Interrupted the has
bent wife , "I hear It so seldom from
you. ; " -
: : _ , , ' - , ) . . , . ' _ v - - .
- . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
He Coughed Up.
"Snr , dad , " began the sonator's
ton , , "those big guns that they shoot
torpedoes out of just give a sort of
cough } when they get down to uusl ,
11088 , 1I0n't they ? "
" \'eH. ,
"You are a big gun , aren't you ,
dad ? "
"Tht' say that I am. "
"Well , I need a huncJred , "
- - -
What Did He Mean ?
They were exchnnglng vlows. .
"I 1 wouldn't run away with any
girl. I remember : going liP to the
old mau and asking him for his
lIaughter. Ito told mo to go to
IIlules. " '
"Anel did you go ? "
"Well , " he mused hesitatingly and
reflectively , "I married the glrl-
New Yorlel'
- - -
A Benefactor.
\Vcary Wallwl'-I'm ashamed o'
ycr ! Sawin' up wood for 1lndlin' !
Hagson 'raltel's-A , g'oll ! dls Is
locust wOOlI.
\\'eary Wallwl'-W'ut's hat got tor
do wtd It ?
Hagson 'fatters-Why , you chump ,
1113 Is lie kind 0' wood chit police
men's clubs Is made out of r
- - - - - -
The Only Lay He Cared For.
"Mr. Snools , which of the lovely
warblers 7f thc wood do you prefer ? "
salll the poetic slimmer girl to the city
mall whose soul was not attuned te
nature.
' , ; , Thel'e Is only one bird whose lay
I care for , " he replied ,
"And that Is ? "
"Tho hen. " - '
- - - -
Retroactive.
"Wh ) ' 110 you sell this brand or
shirts only ? " asked the transient
custor cr.
"IJecause It Is the most Jn8hlon.
able , " replied the swell hal.JCrdasher.
"Indeed ? What males It the most
fashionable ? "
'rhe fact that we sell It. "
- - - -
. ,
Squirming Out.
"Oh , George ! " she exclaimed , bit'
tCI'ly , "I heard you tell your friend
that you didn't love mo any nol'O
Boo boo ! "
"Don't cry , dear , " he whispered terl'
derly , "I mean It as a compllmont.
or course I cOll1l1n't love you any
more than I do now. "
- - -
Very Sad.
7 . .
r
Deacon Fowler-Yo seemed great'
ly I affected at th' sermon I IJreachod.
Farmer 'fenderheart-Yes Yer chin
went up and down with them wlnis- 1
Iers on , an' reminded mo 1'10 ' much or
our poor dead Billy Goat that I just
burst right out a'cr 'ln' an' couldn't
help It.
Touching Story.
Charlle-\Vhow , but It was close
In that church festival ! "
Tom-"Dld you feel relieved when
you got outside.
Charlle-"I should say so My
pockets were cloan. "
Diagnoilis.
Sortlelgh-"I say , doctab , do you-
w-tblnk I have the bwaln fevnb ? "
Docror-"No , Indeed : but you have
the fever , all right. "
. .
.
- -
. " - . , - . . ' . , " ' , " " - - . , - , . -
- - - -
,
.
- - - - -
Seek for Strange Beast 1 "
New Zealand h such a wonderland
of animals and reptiles and birds today .
day , and has been such a wonderland
of them In the past , that the scientific
world Is ready to believe that the vat-
torelw really exists there and cuxplor
ers are hunting for It now.
What Is ! the waltorolw1
Is there n waltol'okc at all ? ,
Zoologists all over the world are
willing to pay a big price for thc answer .
swer to either or both of these ques- '
tlons If there Is such a thl:1g , It Is
the most wonderful beast ) 'etlllown-
more wonderful even than the duckbill .
hill , the four , footed , egg-laying furred
mammal with n duel\.i beal
Like the duclc . bill , the waltorele Is
-that. Is , If It "Is" ut nil-u rat1ve of
the Australian continent The stories
about It come from the folk of Interior
New Zealand
Thc New Zealand natives declare
that It Is a mammal that dwells In
the wator. Its home Is said to bc In
the deep mountain lakes and , unlike
such water.lovlng mammals , as the
otter or the seal , It swims In the
water like a fish and goes ashore
only for short periods
Butt , say these natives , It Is In no
way flee ] a seal. It has no webbed
feet , hut claws : and , Curthr.t'more , it
Many purists bewail the prevalence
of slang In the spoken language of
the period has It never occurred
to them that In the vast majority of
instances slang Is relatively soft and
harmless , that It Is seldom profane ,
and that what common speech has
suffered from Interjections of slang
and cant phrases has been more than
counteracted by the disuse of hard
old AngloSnxon swear words ? Thus
the language Is really the gainer , and
usage Is , making much of the slang
good English Take any good dictionary -
tIOnary lately from . the press , and it
will he round to..contaln literally hun-
drcds of words that were considered
slang and not to be spoken In polite
conversation , a dozen or twent.fivo
or fifty years ago Likewise , take
any standard novel ] of three , four or
five generations ago , which reflects
the customs and people of Its period ,
and It will ) be found that some of the
lending characters In It were given
to politely damning various parts of
themselves and about everything else
0& the slightest provocation , In any
company whatsoever.
In ! the days of Sheridan It was "con
shIfTed good form for the gallant gen'
tlentaa to consign himself to perdi-
,
crawls ashore and lars eggs like a
turtle or a lizard.
They add a further strange statement .
ment ; it Is that this wonderful beast 'f
has might jaws , long and slender , ' ' ' ' \
armed with snw-Ilke teeth.
Only a few years ago science would
have dismissed the story as a mad
able. But to-clay so many strange
stories have been proven true that
zoologists are not In a hurry to discredit ,
credit this 'one.
With Sit Harry Johnston discovering .
Ing the olapl , which turns out to be
a creature that was thought to have .
died out before the dawn of history ;
with lOon searching In Madagascar
or the giant bird ael'oruI3 ) , also dis
missed years ago as being an extinct
monster with the growing belief that
a. form of prehistoric giant sloth Is ' . '
alive In South Amcl'ic1mcn of science .
\
once are almost ready to believe that
the wnltorele may turn out to bo a
living survivor of some form of prehistoric .
historic IInkanlmal-some link between .
tween beasts and reptiles
, The description of the long , slender ,
terrible snout with saw1lltc teeth
makes them think of the long , slender ,
del' snouts of the '
Ichth'ocamus
The fact that this waltorelO of the , I
story lays eggs adds to the resem-
blnnce.
Good in Slang Phrases I. B I
tlon , piecemeal or as a whole , while
paying' tribute to the charms of the
Indies with whom he was conversing.
ThaC'keray , In person and in his novels -
els , let drop swear words occasion.
ally that would not now be tolerated W
In a gentleman's parlor. There was
a. famous and brilliant lawyer of
Charleston , who flourished not long
before the outbreak or the civil war ,
who swore plausibly } , artistically and ;
easily In polite company , and told
risque stories In the most select cir
cles : and he was accounted among
the most delightful company to be :
found within the broad expanse of '
the country In the "good old days"
of long ago It was regarded a'3 a gen-
I
tieman's privilege to swear , and If
his oaths were nicely chosen no offence .
fence was oU. It Is not so now : Not
that profanity Is obsolete , but it Is
pretty nearly so In polite society It
IS principally Indulged In by uncultured .
tured persons , or by the tipsy. Occasionally .
slonally the gentleman may let ] slip
an oath , under provocation , but In
such Instances ho Is careful to note .
that there Is no woman within ear- 1
'
shot. Men have a higher and finer ,
respect : for women , for themselves
and for the language than In former '
times. t'
I - ' Even with the Brakeman _ . _ I I
- - - - -
I
"Decnuse I tlm a railroad man , "
said George Gou11 , "rallrond happenings .
Il1gs and Incident : ; Interest 100 My
friends , aware of this , bring me whatever .
' odd ' they come
ever railway ; news
upon Thus I hear the other day of
a good revenge.
"It seems that , at a suburban sta-
tion , a train was starting off one !
morning when an elderly ] man rushed
across the platform Mid jumped on
one of the 510mo'h.g cars.
'fhe rear end bralellnn.who was
sanding : by , reached u11 , grabbed the
old man's coattails and pulled ] him
off the tmln
0' 'fhere , ' tie said , stern . ' . 'I have
saved your life. Don't c , er try to
jump on like that ngain. '
" 'Thank yon , ' Enid the old man \ ,
cnlml ) ' . 'Thanl you for your thought'
ful kindness. It Is three hours till
the next train , Isn't it ? '
" 'Three and a quarter. ' said the
brakeman _
"The long train , meanwhile had
been slowly gliding by , slowly ; gath . l
erlng speed Finally the last car ap }
peared This was the brakoman's
car , the one for which he had been :
waiting , and , with the easy grace that
Is born of long practice , he sailed
majestically onto it
"Dut the olu gentleman seized him
by the coat and with a strong jerk
pulled him off , at the same time says _
,
lug grlml
. ,
" 'One good ) turn deserves another. \ .
You saved my life ; I have eaved r
I ) 'ours , Now we are quit ' "
" ' ,
.