OUR PRESIDENTS
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Book
A Soft Answer
Two sisters while visiting in Ireland
got into conversation one day with a
tenant of their hostess One of the
girls who is quite stout asked the old
-Irishwoman if she would have known
them for sisters
Well was the answer ye look
-alike but yer sisters slender while
jyou miss well you favor the quane
FREEDOM
Is true freedom but to break
Tetters for our own dear sake
And with leathern hearts forget
That we owe mankind a debt
No true freedom Is to share
AH the chains our brothers wear
-And with heart and hand to be
Earnest to make others free
They arc slaves who fear to speak
For the fallen and the weak
They are slaves who will not choose
Hatred scoffing and abuse
Rather than in silence shrink
From the truth they needs must think
They are slaves who dare not be
3n the right with two or three
LowelL
Forbidden Fruit Is Sweet
Kev Madison C Feters the New
York clergyman told this story to a
group of young men I was strolling
one une spring morning in a beautiful
park when I said to one of the guards
Look here why do you have Keep
off the grass signs all over the park
You dont seem to enforce the rule
No sir said the guard The object
of the sign is to cause the people to
more thoroughly enjoy being on the
grass
When Pat Laughed Last
Two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland
-hired n boat for the purpose of having
-a sail
One thinking he would have a joke
3t Pats expense asked him if he knew
anything about astrology
Be jabers no said Pat
Then thats the best part of your life
just lost
The second Englishman then asked
-Pat if he knew anything about the
ology
Be jabers no
Well I must say thats the very
-best part of your life lost
A few minutes later a sudden squall
arose and the boat capsized Pat be-
to swim The Britons however
could not swim and both called loudly
to Pat to help them
Do you know anything about swim
oology asked Tat
No answered both
Well be jabers then both of your
lives Is lost
No Doubt of It
The lesson was from the Prodigal
55on and the Sunday school teacher
was dwelling on the character of the
-elder brother But amid all the re
joicing he said there was one to
whom the preparation of the feast
irougbt no joy to whom the prodigals
return gave no pleasure but only bit
terness one who did not approve of
rthe feast being held and had no wish
to attend it Now can any of you tell
who this was
Please sir It was the fatted calf
-cried several In chorus
Entertainment For Englishmen
Two American girls Invited two Eng
lishmen to visit them at then comi
c try home In America One day a
s sago came saying the two men would
arrive that afternoon The family was
j
WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON
The ninth president of the United States served just one month In that
position lie died at Washington April 4 1S41 In his sixty ninth year He
Tvas born at Berkeley Va Harrison had the chief command in the north
west during the Avar of 1S12 and was a major general He was the conqueror
of the great Indian chief Tecumseh After the war General Harrison retired
to his farm near North Bend Ind but he was elected to the United States
-senate and finally to the presidency as a Whig In 1S40 after the famous log
-cabin and bard elder campaign
The
thrown into areverof excitement and
many plans of entertainment were sug
gested It was finally decided that as
Englishmen are notoriously fond of a
tub and their guests were coming di
rectly from the train they should first
be invited to take a bath The young
men arrived promptly and after some
demurring were hurried off to tho
bathroom In about an hour they
emerged and went immediately to the
hostess saying Wo are sorry to leave
so soon but we only came to make a
call and our train leaves in fifteen min
utes Iippincotts
More Than Enough
An eight-year-old boy went to a
church picnic and being a favorite
with the ladies had been liberally sup
plied with good things to eat Later
in the day one of the ladies noticed the
boy sitting near a stream with a woe
begone expression on his face and his
hands clasped over his stomach
Why whats the matter Willie
she kindly asked Havent you had
enough to eat
Oh yesm said the boy Ive had
enough I feel as though I dont want
all Ive got
A Lincoln Comparison
When Lincoln was practicing at the
bar the opposing lawyer in a case had
delivered a speech for the prosecution
which was an exhibition of the mans
conceit When he was through Lin
coln rose slowly to his feet and ad
dressed the court as follows
Your honor my colleague who has
just delivered this brilliant exhibition
of oratory reminds me of a little flat
bottom steamboat that way back In the
ffties used to pull up and down the
Mississippi It had a five foot boiler
and an eleven foot whistle and every
time it whistled it stopped
A Cruel Joke
An old man in Georgia named Jack
Baldwin having lost his hat in an old
dry well one day hitched a rope to a
stump and let himself down A
wicked wag named Neal came along
just then and quietly detaching a bell
from Baldwins old blind horse ap
proached the well bell In hand and
began a
Jack thought the old horse wa3 com
ing and said Hang the old blind
horse Hes coming this way sure and
he aint got no more sense than to fall
in on me Whoa Ball
The sound came closer
Great Jerusalem The old blind fool
will be right on top of me in a minit
Whoa Ball Whoa Ball
Neal kicked a little dirt on Jacks
head and Jack began to pray
O Lord have mercy on whoa Ball
a poor sinner Im gone now whoa
Ball Our Father who art in
whoa Ball hallowed be thy gee
Ball gee whatll I do name Now
I lay me down to si gee Ball Just
then in fell more dirt O Lord if you
ever intend to do anything for me
back Ball Whoa thy kingdom come
gee Ball O Lord you know I was
baptized in Smiths mill dam whoa
Ball Ho Up Murder Whoa
Neal could hold in no longer and
shouted a laugh which might have
been heard two miles which was about
as far as Jack chased him when he got
out Atlanta Journal
A Perplexed Political Economist
When the fight against Cuban reci
procity was at its bitterest point In
congress Senator Burrows of Michi
gan received this letter from a con
stituent -
Dear Senator If this here rccepro3ty
blsnes is fixed between us and Cuba as
they say well have to grow our own ter
bac or else make them Cubans rich
enough to buy ihn hull country- Ida ja
mter cwawinrnysTnr ima t tism vrcvo in
bulldln up no trust Id Hko to raise my
own plup I aint no hand to ask favors
but If you could sent me a package of
terbac seed It would be remembered
P S I want to raise the kind of plug
with tin things onto It
No Chance For Argument
George said she to her liege lord
who was toasting his shins before the
fire I suppose you get the credit for
sweeping the snow off our front walk
I reckon I do Cynthy responded
George
And you know you dont do a lick
of It I do it myself
There cant be any doubt about
that
Well what sort f a man do you
think you are
Im a blamed small specimen of a
man Cynthy said George still se
renely toasting his shins I have no
doubt I am meaner and more contempt
ible than you think You cant get
into any argument with me on that
proposition Im the laziest good for
nothingest ornriest man in the neigh
borhood If it wasnt that Ive got
such a good wife Id go and blow my
worthless brains out Supper ready
yet dear
Got Even at Last
Court had been waiting fifteen min
utes for the stenographer to arrive
Then some one was sent to the tele
phone to find out why
Do you mean to tell me se de
manded that I have kept l rty one
men waiting fifteen minute hr me
Thats it
Well Ill be right along That is
a funny thing I have been waiting
all these years for just one man and
now forty one of them are waiting for
me
What the Tree Would Say
Bishop Seymour of Minnesota while
walking with a young lady pointed out
to her some of the fine trees in the
neighborhood She professed great in
terest and delight She cried
How the noble aspect of beautiful
trees stirs up the keenest emotions of
the soul Then patting a great rough
trunk she went on You superb oak
what would you say to me if you could
talk
I believe I can be his interpreter
the bishop murmured Tie would
probably say T beg your pardon miss
I am a beech
Waiting For a Jury to Grow
I have a case still pending in a
south Georgia justice court that has
been there since lb remarked
Judge Spencer R Atkinson former
justice of the supreme court to a
group of friends at the capitol
Soon after I began the practice of
law I took a case for a client involv
ing a verbal contract for building a log
cabin The amount involved was less
than 100 so suit was brought in the
justice court of the little country dis
trict where the defendant the owner
of the log cabin lived By consent of
all parties the matter was referred to
a jury The first jury came in with a
mistrial
Another jury was called and there
was another mistrial and so it went
on for six or seven terms of court each
successive jury failing to reach a ver
dict
Then one day just before it was
time to call the case up for submission
to the seventh or eighth jury I receiv
ed this note from the justice of the
peace
Dear Sir I write this to let you know
the case of Beckham agin Lyles cannot
be tried no more in this court You have
used up all the juries in the district and
it wont be possible to get no more juries
until some grows up or some new folks
moves in I have wrote the same notice
to the other side
Your truly P WILLIAMS
Justice of the Peace 497 district G M
With that Ave dropped the case by
common consent and have been wait
ing ever since for a new jury to grow
Not What She Expected
A widow had been courted and won
by a physician She had children
The wedding day was approaching
and it was time the children should
know they were to have a new father
Calling one of them to her she said
Georgie I am going to do something
before long that I would like to talk
about with you
What is it ma
I am intending to marry Dr Jones
In a few days and
Bully for you ma Does Dr Jones
know it
A Zulu Rain Charm
The Zulus employ a rain charm which
is very remarkable considering their
usual fierceness and cruelty They
catch a Jjird and after the tribal wiz
ard has consecrated it and made it a
heaven bird they throw it into a
pool of water In spite of their own
indifference to the sufferings of ani
mals they believe that the sky which
they conceive to be a personality will
be full of woe at the death of the bird
and drop sympathetic tribute in show
ers of rain
Keep to the Right
Bishop Wilberforce was oufdriving
one day when a man on horseback
stopped him and thinking to have a
joke asked
Excuse me bishop but could you
tell me the road to heaven
Certainly sir the bishop answer
ed Turn to the right and keep
straight on
What He Said
I once gave a waiter a two dollar
tip
What did he say
To me he expressed his thanks but
I heard him say to another waiter that
I couldnt have real good sense
Louisville Courier Journal
He who is feared by many fears
many German Proverb
HAPPY MARRIAGES
Value of the Spirit of Compromise In
Wedded Life
If marriage meant the wedding of
a saint and an angel there would ho
no problems to solve no perfections to
attain no progress to make This may
be whj there are no marriages in
heaven
On earth it is different Husband
and wife are strongly human No mat
ter how lovingly united or how sweet
their accord they never have the same
temperaments tendencies or tastes
Their needs are different their man
ner of looking at things is not identical
and in varying ways their Individuali
ties assert themselves At any critical
moment if both express at the same
time a desire to defer to the others
taste the result is foreordained hap
piness This makes matrimony not
merely union but unison and unit-
The spirit of compromise does not
mean a continuous performance in the
way of self surrender and self sacri
fice it does not mean ceasing to be a
voice and becoming an echo it does
not imply or justify the loss of indi
viduality it means simply the in
stinctive recognition of the best way
out of a dilliculty the quickest tacking
to avoid a collision the kindly view of
tolerance in the presence of weakness
and errors of another tho courage to
meet an explanation half way the gen
erosity to he first to apologize for a dis
cord the largeness of mind that does
not fear a sacrifice of dignity in sur
rendering in the interests of the high
est harmony of the two rather than the
personal vanity Delineator
Even
ALWAYS CHEERFUL
When He Lost Both Feet
He
Could Find Consolation
Browns cheerfulness was a source
of wonder and admiration to his
friends according to the Ladies Home
Journal Either his religion or his
philosophy taught him to accept ev
erything as a wise dispensation But
then lie had a large share of worldly
goods his friends argued and nothing
but adversity would shake his faith
Therefore when a promising crop
was washed away by a flood the neigh
bors were much astonished to hear him
say Its all for the best I was bless
ed with an overabundance last year
In the winter his house was burned
to the ground To his neighbors so
licitations he calmly responded The
house never suited us anyway so it is
all for the best
Other calamities befell Brown but
still he refused to be disheartened
The climax came when he was in a
railroad accident Both feet were so
badly crushed that amputation was
necessary I
Sympathetic friends gathered from
all quarters They dreaded to hear the
lamentations they were sure would
greet them for even Brown could
hardly be expected to pass this light- j
ly by i
Guess you are pretty well discour
aged arent you with botii feet cut
off ventured some one Do you
think this is all for the best
But Brown nodded his head smiling
wanly and said
They were always cold anyway
Unprofitable Adam
There is occasion for much beating
about the bush for answers to many
questions put by wise theologues to
timid people but one set of men found
their match in the old Scotchwoman
under examination for admission to
church fellowship
What are the decrees of God she
was solemnly asked
Indeed I trow he kens that best
hiinsei
What kind of a man was Adam
Ou just like ither fouk was the
quick reply
The questioner insisted on a more
definite answer Weel said she he
was just like Teems Madden ye ken
now so
Weel naebody got anything by him
and mony lost
Curios
Mr Chow has a passion for curios
but was not able to distinguish a gen
uine article from a spurious one One
day a dealer came to him wishing to
sell the lacquer bowl of Emperor Shun
B C 2233 the rod with which the
Duke of Chow about B C 1122 flog
ged Fak Kam and the mat on which
Confucius sat B C 531 Mr Chow
sold all his worldly possessions and
purchased them Holding the bowl
in his left hand clutching the rod in
his right hand and carrying the mat
upon his back he went around begging
for a copper coin of King Woo B C
1122 From the Chinese
Naturally
Two men met at the gate of the cem
etery and each with excessive polite
ness bowed to the other to pass in be
fore him After a few minutes of this
when neither would give way the
younger of the two smiled and said
You are the elder of the two so
naturally you ought to go first
Sourire
Run and Unrun
When I first went to housekeeping
I tried to run everything I ended with
running nothing
Absolutely nothing
Well perhaps the gamut of the
emotions now and then New York
World
His Position
Peckem My wife referred to me as
the head of the family today Meeker
How did that happen Feckem
She was talking to a man who called
to collect a bill Chicago News
Many a man finds out too late that
he cannot hide anything from his own
conscience-
BALANCE IN THE AIR
Tho Necessity For Equilibrium In Bird
Flight
It is likely that the birds superb
ease and grace In Hie air are due to its
ability to maintain absolute balance
If a gull makes the mistake of bond
ing until the wind strikes Its head
and wings on the top it will tumble
Instantly And the sailing birds
though they make no flapping motion
of their wings arc constantly balanc
ing themselves like a man on a tight
rope Some scientists have maintained
that the air sacs make It possible for
the bird to manage minute changes
that are very valuable In restoring
equilibrium It Is known that the
wing Is joined to the body of the bird
by what is called a universal Joint
enabling the creature to make almost
every possible motion The body of a
man is heavier than water but if lie
gets into a position of perfect balance
he will float In some such way it is
claimed the bird floats in the air But
as the bird would fall much more rap-
Idly in the air than a mans body
would sink in water the necessity for
a far more subtle ability to keep the
center of gravity on the part of the
bird Is apparent hence according to
this theory the bird is provided for
this purpose with the most sensitive
equipment made up of nerves and
mysterious air ducts many of the wing
feathers perhaps acting as sentinels
warning instantly of the slightest ap
proach of shifting currents Every
bodys Magazine
ENTERTAINING THE DUKE
Rudely Interrupted While Ho
Waa
Chatting With Royalty
The daily papers do their best but
not oven their ubiquitous representa
tives garner all the store of good tilings
which attend a royal visit to Ireland
says the London Sketch No paper at
the time printed the cream of the sto
ries which grew out of a visit of the
Duke of Connaught to the Emerald
Isle Welcome to Ireland said a
man as he saw the duke on the steps
of a hotel In the little western town in
which he was staying Welcome to
Ireland your royal highness I hope I
see your royal highness well Quite
well thank you answered the duke
And your noble mother the queen I
hope her ould Ieddyship is eujoyin the
best of health Yes thank you The
queen is very well indeed said the
duke vastly amused with the easy fa
miliarity of the peasant Its glad I
am to hear it And tell me your royal
highness the other went on how
are ail your noble brothers and sis
ters Before the duke could answer
an aid-de-camp appeared with Here j
get along there The peasant looked
up with infinite scorn Arrah What
are yez interruptin for he exclaimed
Cant you see that me and his royal
highness is houldin a conversation
Explanation Was Necessary
As the Pratts dog was at last de
tached from the trousers leg of the
new milkman by Mr Pratts vigorous
efforts the victim of the onslaught fce
gan to express his mind with consider
able freedom
I wouldnt keep a dog like that he
said indignantly but Mr Pratt broke
in before he had time to say more
Hes only playful thats all he in
sisted and at the same time he pressed
something into the new milkmans
hand
The man glanced at the wad of
green and then as he transferred It to
a safe pocket his expression changed
I guess I can take a little fun as
well as anybody he said dryly But
till you explained it I had a notion
that dog was in earnest when he bit
that piece out of my trousers
Youths Companion
Daughter But he is so full of absurd
ideals Mother Never mind that dear
Your father was the same before I
married him Town and Country
j t j
O
Fifty Years the Standard
DR
CREAM
BAKIN6
pawn
A Cream of Tartar Powder
oc
Made from Grape
w
iMiddlcloii Ruby
PLUM HI KG and
STEAM FITTING
All work guaranteed
Phono 182 lMcCook Nebraska
I DrHerbertJPratti
Keoistkkkd Giucatk
Dentist
Ollico ovor McConnells Driif Store
McCOOK NEB
Tolophonoa Ollico 100 romdonco ii
Formor location Atlanta UoorKiii
JtS -9
i GAPT BARRETT
PRACTICAL
Architect
and Builder t
Repairing and Remodeling K
Buildings a Specialty
McCOOK - NEBRASKA
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Great
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Homo of Quality
and Quantity where
sells THE BEST LUM
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M O McCLURE
Phono No 1 Manager
ITS CHERRY COUGH
jP Cures BROiSWHS
Mj 2L
3iI2 JL
CAN EARN AS MUCH AS A MAN
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