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About The McCook tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 1886-1936 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 20, 1907)
OUR PRESIDENTS vl dlJ Book A Soft Answer Two sisters while visiting in Ireland got into conversation one day with a tenant of their hostess One of the girls who is quite stout asked the old -Irishwoman if she would have known them for sisters Well was the answer ye look -alike but yer sisters slender while jyou miss well you favor the quane FREEDOM Is true freedom but to break Tetters for our own dear sake And with leathern hearts forget That we owe mankind a debt No true freedom Is to share AH the chains our brothers wear -And with heart and hand to be Earnest to make others free They arc slaves who fear to speak For the fallen and the weak They are slaves who will not choose Hatred scoffing and abuse Rather than in silence shrink From the truth they needs must think They are slaves who dare not be 3n the right with two or three LowelL Forbidden Fruit Is Sweet Kev Madison C Feters the New York clergyman told this story to a group of young men I was strolling one une spring morning in a beautiful park when I said to one of the guards Look here why do you have Keep off the grass signs all over the park You dont seem to enforce the rule No sir said the guard The object of the sign is to cause the people to more thoroughly enjoy being on the grass When Pat Laughed Last Two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland -hired n boat for the purpose of having -a sail One thinking he would have a joke 3t Pats expense asked him if he knew anything about astrology Be jabers no said Pat Then thats the best part of your life just lost The second Englishman then asked -Pat if he knew anything about the ology Be jabers no Well I must say thats the very -best part of your life lost A few minutes later a sudden squall arose and the boat capsized Pat be- to swim The Britons however could not swim and both called loudly to Pat to help them Do you know anything about swim oology asked Tat No answered both Well be jabers then both of your lives Is lost No Doubt of It The lesson was from the Prodigal 55on and the Sunday school teacher was dwelling on the character of the -elder brother But amid all the re joicing he said there was one to whom the preparation of the feast irougbt no joy to whom the prodigals return gave no pleasure but only bit terness one who did not approve of rthe feast being held and had no wish to attend it Now can any of you tell who this was Please sir It was the fatted calf -cried several In chorus Entertainment For Englishmen Two American girls Invited two Eng lishmen to visit them at then comi c try home In America One day a s sago came saying the two men would arrive that afternoon The family was j WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON The ninth president of the United States served just one month In that position lie died at Washington April 4 1S41 In his sixty ninth year He Tvas born at Berkeley Va Harrison had the chief command in the north west during the Avar of 1S12 and was a major general He was the conqueror of the great Indian chief Tecumseh After the war General Harrison retired to his farm near North Bend Ind but he was elected to the United States -senate and finally to the presidency as a Whig In 1S40 after the famous log -cabin and bard elder campaign The thrown into areverof excitement and many plans of entertainment were sug gested It was finally decided that as Englishmen are notoriously fond of a tub and their guests were coming di rectly from the train they should first be invited to take a bath The young men arrived promptly and after some demurring were hurried off to tho bathroom In about an hour they emerged and went immediately to the hostess saying Wo are sorry to leave so soon but we only came to make a call and our train leaves in fifteen min utes Iippincotts More Than Enough An eight-year-old boy went to a church picnic and being a favorite with the ladies had been liberally sup plied with good things to eat Later in the day one of the ladies noticed the boy sitting near a stream with a woe begone expression on his face and his hands clasped over his stomach Why whats the matter Willie she kindly asked Havent you had enough to eat Oh yesm said the boy Ive had enough I feel as though I dont want all Ive got A Lincoln Comparison When Lincoln was practicing at the bar the opposing lawyer in a case had delivered a speech for the prosecution which was an exhibition of the mans conceit When he was through Lin coln rose slowly to his feet and ad dressed the court as follows Your honor my colleague who has just delivered this brilliant exhibition of oratory reminds me of a little flat bottom steamboat that way back In the ffties used to pull up and down the Mississippi It had a five foot boiler and an eleven foot whistle and every time it whistled it stopped A Cruel Joke An old man in Georgia named Jack Baldwin having lost his hat in an old dry well one day hitched a rope to a stump and let himself down A wicked wag named Neal came along just then and quietly detaching a bell from Baldwins old blind horse ap proached the well bell In hand and began a Jack thought the old horse wa3 com ing and said Hang the old blind horse Hes coming this way sure and he aint got no more sense than to fall in on me Whoa Ball The sound came closer Great Jerusalem The old blind fool will be right on top of me in a minit Whoa Ball Whoa Ball Neal kicked a little dirt on Jacks head and Jack began to pray O Lord have mercy on whoa Ball a poor sinner Im gone now whoa Ball Our Father who art in whoa Ball hallowed be thy gee Ball gee whatll I do name Now I lay me down to si gee Ball Just then in fell more dirt O Lord if you ever intend to do anything for me back Ball Whoa thy kingdom come gee Ball O Lord you know I was baptized in Smiths mill dam whoa Ball Ho Up Murder Whoa Neal could hold in no longer and shouted a laugh which might have been heard two miles which was about as far as Jack chased him when he got out Atlanta Journal A Perplexed Political Economist When the fight against Cuban reci procity was at its bitterest point In congress Senator Burrows of Michi gan received this letter from a con stituent - Dear Senator If this here rccepro3ty blsnes is fixed between us and Cuba as they say well have to grow our own ter bac or else make them Cubans rich enough to buy ihn hull country- Ida ja mter cwawinrnysTnr ima t tism vrcvo in bulldln up no trust Id Hko to raise my own plup I aint no hand to ask favors but If you could sent me a package of terbac seed It would be remembered P S I want to raise the kind of plug with tin things onto It No Chance For Argument George said she to her liege lord who was toasting his shins before the fire I suppose you get the credit for sweeping the snow off our front walk I reckon I do Cynthy responded George And you know you dont do a lick of It I do it myself There cant be any doubt about that Well what sort f a man do you think you are Im a blamed small specimen of a man Cynthy said George still se renely toasting his shins I have no doubt I am meaner and more contempt ible than you think You cant get into any argument with me on that proposition Im the laziest good for nothingest ornriest man in the neigh borhood If it wasnt that Ive got such a good wife Id go and blow my worthless brains out Supper ready yet dear Got Even at Last Court had been waiting fifteen min utes for the stenographer to arrive Then some one was sent to the tele phone to find out why Do you mean to tell me se de manded that I have kept l rty one men waiting fifteen minute hr me Thats it Well Ill be right along That is a funny thing I have been waiting all these years for just one man and now forty one of them are waiting for me What the Tree Would Say Bishop Seymour of Minnesota while walking with a young lady pointed out to her some of the fine trees in the neighborhood She professed great in terest and delight She cried How the noble aspect of beautiful trees stirs up the keenest emotions of the soul Then patting a great rough trunk she went on You superb oak what would you say to me if you could talk I believe I can be his interpreter the bishop murmured Tie would probably say T beg your pardon miss I am a beech Waiting For a Jury to Grow I have a case still pending in a south Georgia justice court that has been there since lb remarked Judge Spencer R Atkinson former justice of the supreme court to a group of friends at the capitol Soon after I began the practice of law I took a case for a client involv ing a verbal contract for building a log cabin The amount involved was less than 100 so suit was brought in the justice court of the little country dis trict where the defendant the owner of the log cabin lived By consent of all parties the matter was referred to a jury The first jury came in with a mistrial Another jury was called and there was another mistrial and so it went on for six or seven terms of court each successive jury failing to reach a ver dict Then one day just before it was time to call the case up for submission to the seventh or eighth jury I receiv ed this note from the justice of the peace Dear Sir I write this to let you know the case of Beckham agin Lyles cannot be tried no more in this court You have used up all the juries in the district and it wont be possible to get no more juries until some grows up or some new folks moves in I have wrote the same notice to the other side Your truly P WILLIAMS Justice of the Peace 497 district G M With that Ave dropped the case by common consent and have been wait ing ever since for a new jury to grow Not What She Expected A widow had been courted and won by a physician She had children The wedding day was approaching and it was time the children should know they were to have a new father Calling one of them to her she said Georgie I am going to do something before long that I would like to talk about with you What is it ma I am intending to marry Dr Jones In a few days and Bully for you ma Does Dr Jones know it A Zulu Rain Charm The Zulus employ a rain charm which is very remarkable considering their usual fierceness and cruelty They catch a Jjird and after the tribal wiz ard has consecrated it and made it a heaven bird they throw it into a pool of water In spite of their own indifference to the sufferings of ani mals they believe that the sky which they conceive to be a personality will be full of woe at the death of the bird and drop sympathetic tribute in show ers of rain Keep to the Right Bishop Wilberforce was oufdriving one day when a man on horseback stopped him and thinking to have a joke asked Excuse me bishop but could you tell me the road to heaven Certainly sir the bishop answer ed Turn to the right and keep straight on What He Said I once gave a waiter a two dollar tip What did he say To me he expressed his thanks but I heard him say to another waiter that I couldnt have real good sense Louisville Courier Journal He who is feared by many fears many German Proverb HAPPY MARRIAGES Value of the Spirit of Compromise In Wedded Life If marriage meant the wedding of a saint and an angel there would ho no problems to solve no perfections to attain no progress to make This may be whj there are no marriages in heaven On earth it is different Husband and wife are strongly human No mat ter how lovingly united or how sweet their accord they never have the same temperaments tendencies or tastes Their needs are different their man ner of looking at things is not identical and in varying ways their Individuali ties assert themselves At any critical moment if both express at the same time a desire to defer to the others taste the result is foreordained hap piness This makes matrimony not merely union but unison and unit- The spirit of compromise does not mean a continuous performance in the way of self surrender and self sacri fice it does not mean ceasing to be a voice and becoming an echo it does not imply or justify the loss of indi viduality it means simply the in stinctive recognition of the best way out of a dilliculty the quickest tacking to avoid a collision the kindly view of tolerance in the presence of weakness and errors of another tho courage to meet an explanation half way the gen erosity to he first to apologize for a dis cord the largeness of mind that does not fear a sacrifice of dignity in sur rendering in the interests of the high est harmony of the two rather than the personal vanity Delineator Even ALWAYS CHEERFUL When He Lost Both Feet He Could Find Consolation Browns cheerfulness was a source of wonder and admiration to his friends according to the Ladies Home Journal Either his religion or his philosophy taught him to accept ev erything as a wise dispensation But then lie had a large share of worldly goods his friends argued and nothing but adversity would shake his faith Therefore when a promising crop was washed away by a flood the neigh bors were much astonished to hear him say Its all for the best I was bless ed with an overabundance last year In the winter his house was burned to the ground To his neighbors so licitations he calmly responded The house never suited us anyway so it is all for the best Other calamities befell Brown but still he refused to be disheartened The climax came when he was in a railroad accident Both feet were so badly crushed that amputation was necessary I Sympathetic friends gathered from all quarters They dreaded to hear the lamentations they were sure would greet them for even Brown could hardly be expected to pass this light- j ly by i Guess you are pretty well discour aged arent you with botii feet cut off ventured some one Do you think this is all for the best But Brown nodded his head smiling wanly and said They were always cold anyway Unprofitable Adam There is occasion for much beating about the bush for answers to many questions put by wise theologues to timid people but one set of men found their match in the old Scotchwoman under examination for admission to church fellowship What are the decrees of God she was solemnly asked Indeed I trow he kens that best hiinsei What kind of a man was Adam Ou just like ither fouk was the quick reply The questioner insisted on a more definite answer Weel said she he was just like Teems Madden ye ken now so Weel naebody got anything by him and mony lost Curios Mr Chow has a passion for curios but was not able to distinguish a gen uine article from a spurious one One day a dealer came to him wishing to sell the lacquer bowl of Emperor Shun B C 2233 the rod with which the Duke of Chow about B C 1122 flog ged Fak Kam and the mat on which Confucius sat B C 531 Mr Chow sold all his worldly possessions and purchased them Holding the bowl in his left hand clutching the rod in his right hand and carrying the mat upon his back he went around begging for a copper coin of King Woo B C 1122 From the Chinese Naturally Two men met at the gate of the cem etery and each with excessive polite ness bowed to the other to pass in be fore him After a few minutes of this when neither would give way the younger of the two smiled and said You are the elder of the two so naturally you ought to go first Sourire Run and Unrun When I first went to housekeeping I tried to run everything I ended with running nothing Absolutely nothing Well perhaps the gamut of the emotions now and then New York World His Position Peckem My wife referred to me as the head of the family today Meeker How did that happen Feckem She was talking to a man who called to collect a bill Chicago News Many a man finds out too late that he cannot hide anything from his own conscience- BALANCE IN THE AIR Tho Necessity For Equilibrium In Bird Flight It is likely that the birds superb ease and grace In Hie air are due to its ability to maintain absolute balance If a gull makes the mistake of bond ing until the wind strikes Its head and wings on the top it will tumble Instantly And the sailing birds though they make no flapping motion of their wings arc constantly balanc ing themselves like a man on a tight rope Some scientists have maintained that the air sacs make It possible for the bird to manage minute changes that are very valuable In restoring equilibrium It Is known that the wing Is joined to the body of the bird by what is called a universal Joint enabling the creature to make almost every possible motion The body of a man is heavier than water but if lie gets into a position of perfect balance he will float In some such way it is claimed the bird floats in the air But as the bird would fall much more rap- Idly in the air than a mans body would sink in water the necessity for a far more subtle ability to keep the center of gravity on the part of the bird Is apparent hence according to this theory the bird is provided for this purpose with the most sensitive equipment made up of nerves and mysterious air ducts many of the wing feathers perhaps acting as sentinels warning instantly of the slightest ap proach of shifting currents Every bodys Magazine ENTERTAINING THE DUKE Rudely Interrupted While Ho Waa Chatting With Royalty The daily papers do their best but not oven their ubiquitous representa tives garner all the store of good tilings which attend a royal visit to Ireland says the London Sketch No paper at the time printed the cream of the sto ries which grew out of a visit of the Duke of Connaught to the Emerald Isle Welcome to Ireland said a man as he saw the duke on the steps of a hotel In the little western town in which he was staying Welcome to Ireland your royal highness I hope I see your royal highness well Quite well thank you answered the duke And your noble mother the queen I hope her ould Ieddyship is eujoyin the best of health Yes thank you The queen is very well indeed said the duke vastly amused with the easy fa miliarity of the peasant Its glad I am to hear it And tell me your royal highness the other went on how are ail your noble brothers and sis ters Before the duke could answer an aid-de-camp appeared with Here j get along there The peasant looked up with infinite scorn Arrah What are yez interruptin for he exclaimed Cant you see that me and his royal highness is houldin a conversation Explanation Was Necessary As the Pratts dog was at last de tached from the trousers leg of the new milkman by Mr Pratts vigorous efforts the victim of the onslaught fce gan to express his mind with consider able freedom I wouldnt keep a dog like that he said indignantly but Mr Pratt broke in before he had time to say more Hes only playful thats all he in sisted and at the same time he pressed something into the new milkmans hand The man glanced at the wad of green and then as he transferred It to a safe pocket his expression changed I guess I can take a little fun as well as anybody he said dryly But till you explained it I had a notion that dog was in earnest when he bit that piece out of my trousers Youths Companion Daughter But he is so full of absurd ideals Mother Never mind that dear Your father was the same before I married him Town and Country j t j O Fifty Years the Standard DR CREAM BAKIN6 pawn A Cream of Tartar Powder oc Made from Grape w iMiddlcloii Ruby PLUM HI KG and STEAM FITTING All work guaranteed Phono 182 lMcCook Nebraska I DrHerbertJPratti Keoistkkkd Giucatk Dentist Ollico ovor McConnells Driif Store McCOOK NEB Tolophonoa Ollico 100 romdonco ii Formor location Atlanta UoorKiii JtS -9 i GAPT BARRETT PRACTICAL Architect and Builder t Repairing and Remodeling K Buildings a Specialty McCOOK - NEBRASKA LSIlOI IilO10o21 j Great Liimiier and Oool Center Homo of Quality and Quantity where sells THE BEST LUM BER AND COAL Aro you thinking of building If so it ten to one our figures will please you M O McCLURE Phono No 1 Manager ITS CHERRY COUGH jP Cures BROiSWHS Mj 2L 3iI2 JL CAN EARN AS MUCH AS A MAN We want bovs and sirls who want to earn money to solicit subscriptions tr tie Kansas- City Weeklj Star Dont hitat jon are jouni joh can ilo tw work as readily as an older pTMin and we will pay you ju t the aim 1 he Kan ay lty Weoklj Star is the best kNown weeklj new paper in the ue t and jour -par time -pent working for it will pay joti not in toy- watches or otln r ware- but in cash Write today for terms and full information Address THE WEEKLY STAR Kansas City Mo Make your friend a birthday present of some Monogram Sta tioner We have an excellent line of samples from which you can choose embossed in one or two colors or in bronze or gold any letters or combination of letters Call and see samples of the monograms and stock The TRIBUNE Office y - r