m tftfoiitaMitftii
DR B J GUNN
DENTIST Phone
Office Rooms 3 and 5 Walsh Blk McCook
Barber Shop
Hear of 1st National flunk
Hewly Furnished
and First Class In Every
Particular
Earl Murray
Middleton Ruby
PLUMBING and
STEAM FITTING
All work guaranteed
Phone 182 McCook Nebraska
JOHN E KELLEY
ATTORNEY AT LAW and
BONDED ABSTRACTED
McCook Nebraska
taAgent of Lincoln Land Co and of McCook
Wator Works Office in Postofllco building
YOU WOULD DO WELL TO SEE
J M Rupp
FOR ALL KINDS
Brick Work
P O Box 131 McCook Nebraska
McCook Laundry
G C HECKMAN Prop
Dry and Steam Cleaning and
Pressing
GATEWOOD VAHUt
DENTISTS
Office over McAdams Store Phone 190
SMggiL Earn More
wv rsvsryvAyrs
Business and Short
hand Courses taught
by Most Experienced Teachers in the west
Positions for graduates Work for Board Help
for deiervinj students Address
Mosher Lampman College
Information free 1700 rrnam St Omaha Mas
tar
m
tie
M
Hi
5
The Security Abstract
and Realty Company
FOR LOAHS AST INSURANCE
Farms Wild Lands and City
Property at owners prices
Properties of non residents
looked after Write for infor
mation
W C MOYER Mgr
a
3d33339393933333333i
Great
Lumber and Goal
Center
Home of Quality
and Quantity where
G BULLARD
sells THE BEST LUM
BER AND COAL
Are you thinking of
building If so it e ten
to one our figures will
please you
M O McCLURE
Phone No 1 Manager
Dr Herbert J Pratt
Registered Graduate
Dentist
Office over McConnells Drug Store
McCOOK NEB
Telephones Office 160 residence 131
Former location Atlanta Georgia
av
CAPT BARRETT
PRACTICAL
Architect
and Builder
Repairing and Remodeling
Buildings a Specialty
McCOOK - NEBRASKA
Shop Phone 324
BATTLE OFTHE WITS
When Artemus Ward and Henry
J Byron First Met
A TILT IN A LONDON CLUB
The Famous Humorist Started In to
Have Somo Fun With the Dramatist
but Found In the End That He Had
Met His Match at Chaffing
What follows relates to the first
meeting of the late Ilenry J Byron
and Artemus Ward It was at the Sav
age club in London after one of the
Saturday dinners and Tom Robertson
suggested to Artemus to have a tilt
with Byron and if possible draw him
out The genial showman had only
been In England n few days but he
knew Byrons metier and went for
him in this fashion
I fancy I have seen a face like
yours before Did you ever have a
brother Alonzo Robertson was be
hind Artemus and winked at Byron
Alas I had replied the drama
tist Instantly catching the situation
He was a mariner engaged on the
deep
Thats so
You havent heard of him for five
years
Byron affected to be lost In reflec
tion and deliberately replied Its five
years ago this very day How curious
you should mention it sir
Well sir replied Artemus taking
out his handkerchief and pretending
to wipe away a tear I sailed the salt i
sea with your brother We were wreck-
ed together in the gulf of Mexico and i
before help came I killed and ate him
The moment I saw you I recognized
the likeness He was a good fellow
full of tender feeling
I am glad you found him tender
interrupted Byron also pulling out his
handkerchief
But sir I am awfully sorry I ate
him said Artemus in the most im
perturbable fashion
snap under the strain It was a peril
ous a horrible a critical moment The
weight of two men was too great and
your father was a broad bulky man
Self preservation is the first law of
nature An Instant more and we were
both lost We seemed to be about
fifty feet from the top
I hastily called your fathers at
tention is something implored him in
fact to look down the mine He did
Bascom d His Students
John Bascom once president of the
University of Wisconsin always had
a keen insight Into men and for much
of his life college students constituted
mankind for him Once when he was
a class officer the names of two men
were read by him as absent from
morning prayers One of them a pie
tist stopped at his desk and said
Professor when the chapel bell was
ringing I was engaged in prayer and
did not hear It
Youre not excused responded
John with contempt in his eye and
in his voice
Then calling back the other man
who was about at the door on his way
out of the room he salu to him
Whats your excuse
I havent any sir
Youre excused
He used to have debates In his clasp
room At one of them a student whom
Bascom subsequently described as a
florlating fellow in the heat of his
eloquence said I wish that I had
the ability and the time to exhaust
this subject
You have the time said Bascom
Harpers Weekly
Smart Boy Wins
The visitor was examining the class
of small boys He held the chalk In
midair
What number shall I draw on the
board he asked of one boy
The boy replied Thirty two
The visitor drew the number back
ward which made twenty three
Is that right asked the visitor
Yes sir yes sir answered the boy
in a timid way
What number shall I take now he
asked of another
The boy answered Sixty two
whereupon the visitor drew the num
ber backward as before twenty six
Is that right he asked
Yes sir replied the boy
A long way back a bright eyed boy
held up a wavering hand
What number shall I draw for you
asked the visitor
The boy called out Forty four
Then when the visitor had drawn it
TTirt T tnnwn T I fle yelled out Now if you are so
should ever meet his brother I am sure
Id have gone without food some
weeks longer But I was driven to It
and you will forgive me wont you
I liked Alonzo and he offered his
hand to Byron which the latter shook
with cordiality
Excuse my emotion wont you
gasped Byron in his handkerchief
He never wrote and told me what
had become of him I hope he agreed
with you
A slight Indigestion afterward He
was a little tough replied Artemus
but well not speak of that We both
suffered He suffered most But re
member sir the law cant touch me
now It was stern necessity and ne
cessity as you may have heard
knows no law But I am willing to
pay you damages for the loss About
what would you think a fair compen
sation
Dont mention it said Byron who
now thought it time to turn the tables
I think your name is Ward said he
Yes
Artemus Ward
Quite so
You had a father
I had
He was a Yankee peddler in his
own country was he not Sold bug
pizen and fine tooth combs
Youve hit the comb I mean the
nail on the head
He died In the black country of
England did he not
He did
Well I killed him I knew you
were his son the moment I laid eyes
on you He was a nice old gentleman
and I made his acquaintance In Staf
fordshire He wished to go down a
deep coal mine so did I and we went
down together had a good time ex
plored lunched with the miners drank
more than was good for us and pro
ceeded to return to mother earths sur
face After you have been down a
mine you are fond of your mother I
assure you The prodigal felt nothing
to what I experienced We entered
blamed smart twist that around -New
York Globe
A Financial Embarrassment
A lady who had a kindly remem
brance for all her domestic servants
met an erstwhile washerwoman and
stopped to ask her how she fared
Oh mem its turrible finanshul dis
thress me an the childers in
Why what is It Are you out of
employment
No mem Works In a fair state o
stiddiness and not a clnt do I owe but
Its lashins o trouble Ive got
Are you not paid promptly
As promptly as the day cooms
round
What Is your financial distress
then
Well mem in a burst of horror
whats killin me is I earn 6 the
week an pay 8 for me boord an
God only knows how I do it Short
Stories
So Many
They went in to dinner together He
was very bashful and she tried in vain
to draw him out Finally she began to
talk books and he became responsive
And Hugo she asked do you like
his style
Oh yes he replied I find him in
tensely Interesting Ive read a num
ber of his books
Then she asked Have you read
Ninety Three
No Ive er only read three I
didnt know he had written so many
Lippincotts Magazine
As Japanese See It
It Is said the Japanese think our
grown women most alarmingly over
grown very shocking in their costume
and quite dreadful as regards their
teeth and their feet In a word out
rageous They consider the kimono
preferable to western habiliments be
cause It so completely obliterates the
lines of the figure They teach girls to
talk with their lips almost closed con-
the huge basket and were being slow- cealing the teeth and to walk with the
Iy drawn toward the mouth of the pit reet parallel in tiny steps or even toe-
when I saw the old rone was about to mS m ivansas city journal
The Latest Hour
What time is it my lad asked a
traveler of a small boy who was driv
ing a couple of cows home from the
fields
Almost 12 oclock sir replied the
boy
I thought It was more
Its never any more here returned
the lad in surprise It just begins at
so and as I gently tipped him over he j 1 again Lustige Blatter
went whirling and crashing down to
the bottom It was rough on him but
I saved myself I ciphered it out on
the instant like this He is an old man
nearly bald deaf in one ear two
teeth gone in front with only a few
years to live I am half his age
strong and healthy the father of a
young family with a career before
me a comedy to finish for the Hay
market and a burlesque accepted at
the Strand Now I ask you under the
circumstances did I not behave no
bly
You did you did sobbed Arte
mus I would have acted that way
myself
I am glad to find you so intelligent
You ate my brother and found him
tough and I am the assassin of your
dear old father continued Byron
teenine ut the fflrcn of nretenderl I
tion We are both avenged Let us
draw a veil over the past and never
allude to these heartrending incidents
again
Agreed We cry quits Shake
roared Artemus extending bothhands
nnd dramatically dashing a flood of
maginary tears from his eyes Lon
don Standard
And the Boy Was Right
If one quart of berries cost 74
cents how much would three quarts
cost asked a Brooklyn teacher in an
oral test the other day
They would cost you 22 cents
promptly responded a little boy We
have nothing less than 1 cent in our
money and the man would just make
It 22 cents New York Press
Yes She Painted
Young Gotrox admiring picture in
parlor Does your sister paint Mar
gie Little Margie Yes sir but shes
finished now and as soon as she puts
a little powder on shell be right down
Chicago News
The Party Line
Hubby Why didnt you come to the
door and let me in Wife I couldnt
George Our neighbor was talking to
somebody and I was at the phone
Cleveland Plain Dealer
Always speak a good word for the
dead and now and then one for the
living when you have time Missouri
Sharpshooter
A QUE2H calculate
SOUND SIGNALS
The Power That Would Be Required Theu Unreliability Undor Certain At
to Move tio Earth mosphcric Conditions
Statisticians sometimes have qiwr At practically every lighthouse of
CITY LODGE DIRECTORY
Ayx A If
McCook Lx1ku No lit A K it A M moeU
tivory first nnil third Tuiwlny of tlin month nt
ideas Oiu of hum aumseJ lilincf
importance on tho coasts of this 8 00 p m in Mnnonic hull
by how much energy water try Js some sort of sjnlus apparatus Charles L K
and coal it would tako to move the
nnrfll l rirtf clTMimftnir lii f If nlvl cult
to be used when weather conditions Los Conk Soc
n ie Ms from being seen
lected thmhout itsnss to a force
1 equivalent to terrestrial gravitation
This is a gratuitous supposition for hi wWsC sometimes a Daboll trumpet a1ot
il 1 ll ft VI n tln fr vow o
I epiie oi us enormous mass urn uarwi ouiuuium u aii uu auuu auu na u -
weighs nothing to make a noise which will be heard
I Starting with the fact that the where ordinarily the light would be
earths mass is about UUU to irvn thn mariner warninir
million million tons our statistician
calculates that we should require 70
000000000 years for a 10000 horse
power engine to move our globe a foot
The boiler that should feed this engine
would vaporize a quantity of water
that would cover the whole face of the
globe with a layer 300 feet deep The
vaporization of this water would re
quire 4000 million million tons of coal
This coal carried in cars holding ten
tons each and having a total length of
miles an hour would take more than
5000000 years to travel its own
length It would require for storage a
shed that would cover 1000 times the
area of Europe
If we realize that this fantastically
huge amouut of energy Is nothing at
all compared with what the earth pos
sesses In virtue of Its rotation about its
xis its revolution about the sun and
its translation in space with the solar
sjstein of which the earth is but an
Infinitesimal part of the universe we
may get some idea of the Importance
of man in the universe and estimate
his incommensurable pride at its just
value
A PIQUED BONIFACE
Meilhac and a Costly Dish That He
Did Not Eat
Among the most absentminded of
geniuses was the French composer
Meilhac On the occnslon of the first
presentation of one of his operas Meil
hac In evening dress entered a fash
ionable restaurant and threw himself
down at a table thinking earnestly
about the event of the evening and
nothing else
A waiter brought him a menu Meil
hac a man of very simple tastes in
the matter of food abstractedly Indi
cated with his finger the first dish on
the bill that his eye had struck Now
It chanced that this was the most elab
with tho order there was In conse
quence great commotion there The
proprietor himself was summoned and
he and the principal chef devoted them
selves to the preparation of the famous
dish One man was sent for this
choice Ingredient and another for an
other Meanwhile Meilhac waited ab
sorbed
At last the dish was brought with a
great flourish and the proprietor with
a proud smile stood not far away to
observe the result When it was de
posited In front of him Meilhac regard
ed the dish with an expression of mel
ancholy interest
Did I order that he asked
Certainly M Meilhac
Do you like it
Yes yes monsieur but
Then kindly take it away and eat It
yourself ordered Meilhac and bring
me two fried eggs Chicago Record
Herald
Couldnt Quit Gambling
Driving a cab in the streets of Lon
don is a young man who has literally
thrown away 80000 The son of a
wealthy family In Yorkshire he went
into the army but soon became distin
guished by his gambling propensities
He ruined himself and had to leave his
regiment Some time ago while living
in a garret news was brought to him
that he had been left 80000 There
was a condition attached to the lega
cythat the money was to immediately
pass to another person named in the
will if the legatee was ever found
gambling A detective was set to
watch the ex captain and saw him en
ter a well known club one evening
where he lost the sum of 300 which
he had raised on his expectations Ho
forfeited his 80000 before he had ever
laid hands on it London Tit Bits
In Coils of a Python
Mr Cocklin walking in thick grass
near the Marico river Bechuanaland
was thrown to the ground by a four
teen foot python which coiled around
his legs and then tried to drag him to
a tree near by so that by coiling its
tail around the trunk it might proceed
to crush him to death
When within two yards of the tree
Mr Cocklin got a hand free and shot
tho snake which was so heavy that it
needed three men to lift it East Lon
don Dispatch
Hardly
Miss D Angelina why dont you
marry Lieutenant Y
Miss A First because he has no
brains and he cant ride dance or play
tennis What could we do with him
But he swims beautifully
Oh yes But one cant keep ones
husband in an aquarium you know
London Tit Bits
The Poor Doctor
Say Weary heres a doctor dat
says de best kind of exercise is walk
in to your work
Is dat so Limpy Den I suppose
de doctor gets his exercise by visltin
de cemetery on foot Cleveland Plain
Dealer
Where might Is master justice is
fervant German Proverb
c u
at the time but was for some inex
plicable reason inaudible to the very
ship it was meant to reach Naturally
such liKtanccs have been very care
fully Investigated and certain facts
have come to light as a result
It has been found that sound like
light Is sometimes affected by at
mospheric conditions and that it will
skip about in a most bewildering way
Thus a fog signal may be heard with
ear splitting force a mile from its
source and GC0 yards farther on may
disappear entirely Yet another noo
yards and It again sounds as strongly
as before The theory In such a case
as this Is that the sound hits the wa
ter and Is echoed back from it into
th air to return in a curve of more
or less magnitude and again strike the
water The sound in other words
skips like a stone skillfully thrown in
to the water the points of audibility
corresponding to the places the water
is hit and the areas of silence to the
flights of the stone
This Is a simple case In others tho
sound forms a circle a ring of audi
bility outside of which there is a si
lence and Inside of which nothing in
the nature of a signal can be heard
And to make the matter more puzzling
the conditions sometimes do not
i
orate and cctly dish on the bill and pear and the signal acts as it should
when the waiter went to the kitchen
while at other and rarer occasions it
takes these freaks and fails in its pur
por2
j yet no laws have been deduced
to cover the cases in point Scientific
American
Severe Rebuke
Constable the famous painter once
gave a remarkable instance of the
sweetness of his temper which scarce
ly anything could ruffle The story
was told by Julian Charles Young
whose uncle had witnessed the inci
dent
He called on Constable one day and
was received by him in his front room
After half an hours chat the artist
proposed to repair to the back room
to show him a large picture on which
he was engaged On walking up to
his easel he found that one of his little
boys In his absence had dashed the
handle of the hearth broom through
the canvas and made so large a rent
in it as to render Its restoration Im
possible He called the child up to
him and asked him gently if he had
done it When the boy admitted his
act Constable took him on his knee
and rebuked him in these unmeasured
terms
Oh my dear pet See what we
have done Dear dear What shall
we do to mend it I cant think can
you
EEE
im
wmm
in a Stock Certificate of the
McCook
Building Loan
Association
aiinkhtock WM
DKOKKKlir HONOIt
Sometimes It Is a bell sometimes a McCook LodiroNos D of If mooti ovory
onch mouth ntSKXJ
MlW LAURA OlHIURN C of If
Muh MattibG Vklih Roc
KAGLUM
McCook Aorlo No 1511 F O K moot tlio
Which n fog prevents the light from mmmhuI nuil fourth WciIiiomIhjm of unch month
giving Of course in the case of a bocini moot-
B8 tho lrt l tUirti Wodnowlnys
first order light which may be seen
twenty miles the signal Is in part a JU R - Co iush W
failure only the best and most favor- i
able of conditions carrying a siren
sound so far The signals of course
for another
At certain times in certain
thirty feet would require 400 million- v -
loca1Itics lce slKas clmv
million cars which would reach SO Isoun1
as far as r earera aro coiicerued
000000 times around the earth This
train moving at the rate of forty
in a most erratic manner In some
cases the lighthouse board gets indig
nant comnluints that on a certain date
C W Haknkh K k S
Pros
KAHTUUN HTAIt
Eurokn Chnptor No M O E S meota tho
i nl fourth Fril f ch mouth t
have certain characteristics to prevent
800 l m in Masonic hall
the hearer from mistaking one signal M
llB 1 ill
j
TIVEKTKU UOUDKAI Sc
KNIU1ITH Or COlUMIIUH
McCook Council No lVM K of C meet tho
Una nuil third TuoMluyH of onch month nt 80U
l m in Uunscliows hull
C J Ktan i K
V G LKCHIKITKK F Soc
- KNIOIITH OK PTTIIIAH
a m ins bui u fcucut icu
McCk R f p
it should have sounded Investigation
WtHjI10tduyt nt 8y0 in Masonic hall
shows that the signal was sounding j cokokil c c
KNIOHTSTEMriAK
St John Commamiury No 10 K T mosts on
tho necouil ThurMliiy of ouch mouth at 800 p
m in Masonic hall
Emhkhon Uanmov EC
SviVKSTKnCOKDBAI Roc
LOCOMOTIVK iN INKERS
McCook Division No Ti H of L E moots
ivory first anil third Saturday or onch month nt
8 00 in Uorrya hull
W CSchknckCE
W D KlIltNKTT F A E
LOCOMOTIVE KIUEMKN
McCook Lorico No 509 H of L F fc E
moots every Saturday at 800 p m in Onus
chowa hall
W If Pennington M
w S RULES Sec
MODEKN WOODMEN
Nohlo Camp No CKt M V A moots ovory
second and fourth Thurcday or ouch mouth at
80 p in in Uanschowu hall
John Hunt V
Rakney JIofkk Clork
ODO FEILOWfl
McCook LoiIko No 137 1 O O F moots overy
Monday at 800 p in in UiuiscIiowb hall
E If Doan N C
Scott Doan Sec
i k o
Chapter X P E O mwota tho soconl and
fourth Saturdays of each month at iHO p m
nt tho homos of tho vurious members
Mes C W RniTT Pros
Mes J 1 Schobel Cor Soc
RAILWAY CONDUCTORH
Harvoy Division No 95 O R C moots tho
second and fourth Suudays of each month at
300 p m in Horrys hall
JOE IfEGENnEHGEIE C Con
M O McClcre Sec
RAILWAY TRAINMEN
C W Bronson I odo No 187 B of R T
meets ovory Friday at 800 p in in Horrys
hall
It V Conovek M
F J Hcston Sec
R A M
King Cyrus Chnptor No 35 R A M meets
every first and third Thursday of each mouthat
800 p m in Masonic hall
Clarence 15 Gray If P
Clinton B Sawyer Sec
royal neighbors
Nohlo Camp No SGi R A moots eve r
second and fourth Thursday of each month at
230 p m in Ganschows hall
Mrs Mary Walker Oracle
Mrs Augusta Anton Rec
r s M
Council NolGRtSMmeetsori
tho last Saturday of each month at 800 p in
in Masonic hall
Ralph A Hagiiekg T I M
Syvlester Cordeal Sec
WORKMEN
McCook Lodtfo No 61 AOUW meets ew y
Monday at 800 p m in Berrys hall
Web Stephens M W
C B Gray Rec
GttSSlssXs
u
General Contracting Painters and Decorators
-- iy
Not How Cheap but How Good with Us
Office and Shop west of Fitst National Bank
i
Leave Orders with C R Woodworth Com Dan v s
No better or safer
investment is open to
you An investment
of ioo per month for
120 months will earn
8o nearly 9 percent
compounded annually
Dont delay but see
the secretary today
Subscriptions r e
ceived at any time for
the new stock just
opened
3