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OUR PRESIDENTS
A BOY TO BE PITIED
God help the boy who never sees
The butterflies the birds the bees
Nor hears the music of the breeze
When zephyrs soft are blowing
Who cannot in sweet comfort He
Where clover blooms are thick
high
And hear the gentle murmur nigh
Of brooklets softly flowing
God help the boy who docs not know
Where all the woodland berries grow
Who never sees the forests glow
When leaves are red and yellow
Whose childish feet can never stray
For such a hapless boy I say
When nature does her charms display
God help the little fellow
Nixon Waterman
The Sun a Foreigner
Sunset Coxs most successful sally
at his opponents in congress was his
resolutions against free sunshine made
when there was a fight on against low
ering the duty on coal
Resolved That all windows sky
lights inside and outside shutters cur
tains and blinds shall be permanently
closed as also all openings holes
chinks clefts and fissures through
which the light and heat of the sun
have been allowed to enter houses to
the prejudice and Injury of meritorious
miners and dealers in gas coal to pro
tect domestic industry
For the sun is a foreigner ex
plained Mr Cox He conies from
abroad and we must shut out the light
of the sun In order to gratify these
Pennsylvania gentlemen who have a
monopoly of this article of coal
His Secret
You ought not to work such long
hours Surely your boss can get along
without you part of the time
Sure he can but I dont want him
to find it out
The Pot and the Kettle
A portly German of obvious Hebraic
ancestry boarded a Broadway car He
handed the conductor a ruddy faced
Irishman a transfer not good on that
particular line The inevitable wrangle
followed in which much vehement lan
guage found expression colored with a
strong Hibernian flavor and an un
mistakable Teutonic accent
At length the fat German rose but
before he left the car shook his fist in
the conductors face and exclaimed
with profound contempt You You
are no Amer rlcan citissen You have
not yet lost your broc que Lippin
cotts
Alls Fair In Love and War
A soldier belonging to a brigade in
command of a general who believed in
a celibate army asked permission to
marry as he had two good conduct
badges and money in the savings bank
Well go away said the general
and if you come back to me a year
from today In the same frame of mind
you shall marry Ill keep the va
cancy
On the anniversary the soldier re
peated his request
Butdo yourealIy after a year
J
JOHN QUINCY ADAMS
The sixth president of the United States and author of the Monroo
doctrine was the son of John Adams the second president He was born at
Braintree Mass In 1737 After years of able diplomatic service abroad he
was made secretary of state under President Monroe whom he succeeded In
1825 There being no electoral majority the election was thrown Into the
house of representatives In 3831 the ex president was elected to the lower
house of congress where he remained until he died of a stroke of apoplexy
on the floor of the house In 1848
The
crap
Book
Not In the Army After All
A Methodist negro cxhorter shouted
Gome up en jine de army ob de
Lohd
Is done jined replied one of the
congregation
Whard yoh jine asked the ex
torter
In de Baptis chuch
Why chile yoh aint in the army
Yohs in de navy
and
want to marry inquired the general
In a surprised tone
Yes sir very much
Sergeant major take his name
down Yes you may marry I never
believed there was so much constancy
in man or woman Right face quick
march
As the man left the room turning
his head he said Thank you sir but
It isnt the same woman Ladies
Home Journal
What an Amendment May Do
Such an amendment said Senator
Tillman during a debate would de
stroy the bills meaning as the mean
ing of the epitaph on old John
Skinns tombstone was destroyed The
amendment that was tacked to Johns
epitaph consisted of one word
friend It was put on in the dead of
night The epitaph before that read
He did his best
No Need For Pensions
A traveler in the orient who was
picking up material for a book asked a
pasha Is the civil service like ours
Are there retiring allowances and pen
sions
My Illustrious friend replied the
pasha Allah is great and the public
functionary who stands in need of a
retiring allowance when his term of
office expires is a fool
Some Words With the Cook
He was a sad faced American tour
ist and as he seated himself in a Lon
don restaurant he was immediately at
tended by an obsequious waiter
I want two eggs said the Ameri
can one fried on one side and one on
the other
Ow is that sir
Two eggs one fried on one side and
one on the other
Very well sir
The waiter was gone several min
utes When he returned his face was
fc study
Would you please repeat your hor
der sir
I said very distinctly two eggs one
fried on one side and one on the other
Oppressive silence and then a dazed
Very well sir
This time he was gone longer and
when he returned he said anxiously
Would it be awsking too much sir
to ave you repeat your border sir I
cawnt think I ave it right sir y
know
Two eggs said the American sad
ly and patiently one fried on one
side and one on the other
More oppressive silence and another
and fainter Very well sir
This time he was gone still longer
When he returned his collar was un
buttoned his hair disheveled and his
face scratched and bleeding Leaning
over the waiting patron he whispered
beseechingly
Would you mind tyking boiled
heggs sir Ive had some words with
the cook
Ready For the Next Customer
My rubber said Nat Goodwin de
scribing a Turkish bath that he once
had In Mexico was a very strong
man He laid me on a slab and knead
ed me and punched me and banged me
in a most emphatic way When it was
over and I had got up he came up
behind me before my sheet was ad
justed and gave me three resounding
slaps on the bare back with the palm
of his enormous hand
What in blazes are you doing I
gasped staggering
No offense sir said the man It
was only to let the office know that I
was ready for the next bather You
see sir the bells out of order in this
room Everybodys
WWWHMPBgff T i -- i n an
yi
Why He Was Sad
Oh my friends exclaimed the ora
tor It makes me snd when I think of
the days thnt are gone when I look
around and miss the old familiar faces
I used to shake hands -with
Fox Hunting In a Greenhouse
The only fox hunting I have ever
done was on board an impetuous tough
mouthed fore and aft horse that had
emotional insanity As I was away
from home and could not reach my
own horse I was obliged to mount a
spirited steed with high intellectual
hips one white eye and a big red nos
tril that you could set a Shanghai hen
in This horse as soon as the pack
broke into a full cry climbed over a
fence that had wrought iron briers on
it lit in a cornfield stabbed his hind
leg through a sere and yellow pump
kin which he wore the rest of the day
with seven yards of pumpkin vine
streaming out behind and away we
dashed cross country
I remained mounted because I hated
to get off in pieces
We did not see the fox but we saw
almost everything else I remember
riding through a hothouse and how I
enjoyed it A morning scamper through
a conservatory when the syringas and
jonquils and jack roses lie cuddled up
together in their little beds is a thing
to remember and look back to and pay
for To stand knee deep in class and
gladioli to smell the mashed and
mussed up mignonette and te last
fragrant sigh of the sennit od helio
trope beneath the hoof of your horse
while far away the deep mouthed bay
ing of the hoarse hounds hotly hug
ging the reeking trail of the aniseed
bag calling on the gorgeously capari
soned hills to give back their merry
music is joy to the huntsmans heart
Bill Nye
One on the President
When President Roosevelt alighted
at Red Hill Va to see his wifes new
cottage he noticed that an elderly wo
man was about to board the train and
rushed forward to assist her That
done lie grasped her hand and gave it
an executive shake
The woman snatching her hand
away exclaimed Young man I dont
know who you are and I dont care a
cent but I must say you are the fresh
est somebody Ive ever seen in these
parts
Isaac and the Angel
Old Isaac was a devout Christian It
was his custom when his work was
done to retire to his cabin and devote
himself to worship until bedtime His
earnest and frequent announcements
that he was always ready to meet his
Lawd had been so often heard that
some boys decided to test Isaacs faith
One night while he was under full
headway O Lawd we know dy long
sufrin fur dis benited sinner but we
feel O Lawd dat in dy love we will be
spahed dy vangins and raf We areal i
ways reddy Lawd at dy biddiu to
cum and meet dy angel Gabrel Send
him O Lawd wid his shinin trumpit
his robes ob glory and his crown ob
life and take dy poh sahvant into dy
vineyard
Isaac Isaac came in deep sepul
chral tones down the chimney
Amen softly said Isaac closing
his prayer abruptly and rising with
fear and trembling
Isaac Isaf c came the still dread
ful tones
dat stammered the
awe stricken negro
The angel of the Lord has come for
Isaac
Isaac hesitated and then with a
show of enforced courage it came
De Lawd bless you dat old nigger
haint boon hero for a week
The Reporters Version
When Helicon hall Upton Sinclairs
Utopian colony burned down among
those injured was Mrs Grace Mac
Gowan Cooke the well known author
A youthful reporter on one of the big
New York dailies eager to get his
story in the first edition Avrote hur
riedly that Grace MacGowan the
cook suffered from serious burns
Which reminds LIppincotts of a
typographical error in one of Ella
Wheeler Wilcoxs poems The author
had written a sonnet containing this
line
My soul is a lighthouse keeper
To her amazement the verse read in
print
My soul is a light housekeeper
How Paris Gots Its Name
The city of Paris owes its origin to
the conquest of Gaul by Caesar When
this Roman general on his path of
conquest came to the present site of
the French capital he found a swampy
Island In the river Seine which was
inhabited by a Gallic tribe called Pa
risii who lived in huts made of rushes
Rather than be captured by the Ro
mans these people burned their rude
city which they called Lutetla or
mud town and the great Caesar
quick to appreciate the situation built
a temple to Jupiter and a wall around
the Island A town soon sprang up
about the temple and was named
Parisii after the ancient tribe In
later years this was shortened to Paris
PittsDurg Post
Bride Oh John darling Im so
glad youve come home Cook is act
ing something awful smashing dishes
and tearing around like a lunatic Do
go and soothe her Groom Why
sweetheart what upset her Bride
Nothing at all except that I told her
you said she was a fierce cook Judge
To make childrens shoes last longer
try this method Melt together tallow
and common resin in the proportion of
two parts of the former to one of the
latter and apply the preparation hot to
the soles of the boots and shoes to be
v n i TJZZKZFZZsm
GEORGE OBER AS RIP VAN WINKLE AND
HOTEL MILBRAE HEADQUARTERS OF RIP
VAN WINKLE CLUB
sou in the impersonation of the char
acter made so famous by the late Jo
seph Jefferson He uses his own ver
sion of the play
In the open air production at Talen
ville stage scenery was introduced
amid the pines to reproduce the village
of Falling Water and other localities
Jefferson once played Rip Van Win
kle in a skating rink in the town of
Catskill and while staying in the vil
lage was an object of almost super
stitious awe tj simple minded inhabit
ants The story is told that a colored
waiter at the hotel pointed him out to
an English tourist as de ole fellow
what slep fer twenty yeahs in de
mountains and den when he come
back hyar to Catskill his own folks
didnt know him
My word exclaimed the English
man you dont believe that story is
true do you
True Why It sho is true sah
Aint dat de berry man a settin dar
now
WHICH IS WHICH
The Resemblance Between W J
Bryan
and C K Wolf
To some persons it may prove diffi
cult to decide which of the two ac
companying portraits is that of Wil
liam Jennings Bryan or whether both
may be photographs of him taken
from slightly different points of view
As a matter of fact the lower portrait
of the group represents Mr Bryan
while the upper one is a portrait of
C K Wolf of Dallas Tex who is
mat gHnv 3BHRHt
Known ail over the United States as
Mr Bryans double Mr Wolf is
member of the Benevolent and Pro
tective Order of Elks and at the re
cent convention of the order in Phila
delphia attracted much attention He
wears his hair much as Mr Bryan
does though he has a little more on
the top of the head than the eminent
Nebraskan can show now He also
wears a slouch hat like Mr Bryans
His profile view and full face view
are both sufficiently like those of the
Democratic leader to lead the casual
bserver to suppose him to be that
treated This will save parents many entleman
dollars
-1
t
r -
RIP VAN WINKLES HAUNTS I EDUCATING WILLIAM
Novel Performance of Play at Sup
posed Village of Falling Water
Palenville N Y where an open air
performance of Rip Van Winkle was
recently given with George Ober in
the title role is supposed to be the
original of the village of Falling Wa
ter from which Rip was driven by
his shrewish wife Gretchen and to
which he returned a stranger after his
twenty years sleep in the mountains
A little way up the Kaatersklll clove
is located Rips rock where Wash
ington Irvings legendary hero Is Bald
to have met the dwarf with the keg
of schnapps which put him out for
twice ten counts and right near hero
Is the beautiful pine set glade selected
as the scene of the performance The
Rip Van Winkle club which conceived
the Idea of getting up the affair has
its headquarters at the Milbrae House
Mr Ober was quite successful
rw tia
v 3384Mtoii fit tui 2 vlreXs5l
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fi
His Mother-in-law Telia His Wife th
Subtle Process
ne Isnt stingy declared the young
woman rather indignantly Im sure
hes as generous as lie can bo In most
things but
Oh I know said the elder woman
Your father used to be a great deal
the same way
Pa exclaimed the young woman
Until he got educated Bald the
elder woman I had to educate him
of course and youll have to educate
William Arguing Isnt any use
I know said the young woman sad
ly Ive tried it
And crying Isnt any use said the
elder with some severity
The young woman blushed and
glanced hastily at a mirror that hung
on the wall
No your eyes arent red said the
elderly woman reassuringly but you
have been crying and I tell you it
wont do and coaxing wont work one
time in a dozen
Then how
Use your common sense There are
lots of ways Take him to shop with
you the next time you go Thats one
pretty good way of making him realize
that a woman cant dress on nothing
The young woman shook her head
You dont know William as well as I
do she said Id be worse off than
ever and besides he wouldnt go
Oh yes he would said the elderly
woman confidently He will if you
manage him properly You tell some
woman friend what exquisite taste lie
has when hes around and notice how
hell begin to swell up I never knew
the man who didnt believe that he
knew more sibout what was becoming
to a woman than she did herself Then
follow that up by asking him to help
you select a hat Hell do it fast
enough if you can make him really be
lieve you depend on his judgment
But mother
I suppose you think hell pick out
some five dollar horror or something
that doesnt suit 3011 at all
Im afraid he would
Well he wouldnt You begin by
wanting him to go to some dollar and
ninety eight millinery store and watch
him rebel Look in at the window and
comment favorably on one or two of
the shapes If j ou cant do anything
else especially if some other people
are standing by looking in Hell In
sist on your going to some decent
place Dont take him to Ellse though
Go any place where theres a fairly
good assortment but not where they
take o0 hats as a matter of course
All youve got to do is to pick out an
intelligent saleswoman and insist on
something inexpensive If she brings
you anything over 8 say Oh dear
no I cant afford to pay that price
I dont see
Well you will Youll see that hell
insist on seeing something better and
youll see that hell be about as help
less as a babe between you and the
saleswoman and hell see that the only
way he can assert himself is to urge
you not to consider expense Dont
tell me he wont I know em You
can have any hat you want and hell
go out of the store under the Impres
sion that he selected it And you dont
want to disabuse his mind either Tell
him that you think the hat Is perfectly
charming and you are afraid he has
been extravagant and the one at 11
would have done just as well See If
he doesnt tell you that Its economy
In the long run to get a good thing and
that you will get more than 3 worth
of satisfaction out of the difference in
the price But dont ever let him con
vince you
Why not
Because it wouldnt do But dont
fail to tell him how your friends raved
about the hat and how surprised they
seemed when you told them it was his
choice and how they said they would
hate to have their husbands pick out
a hat for them and how you thought
so too but didnt say It and mention
casually as the thing goes on to any
company you have that you always let
William select your hats on account of
his exquisite taste the only drawback
being his criminal disregard of price
Same thing applies to gowns or any
thing else
But it would be awful to have to be
everlastingly taking him around
You wont have to said the elderly
woman Dont you worry about that
Hell get tired after the first few times
and let you get what you want your
self But you wont hear any more
talk about your extravagance Hell
have got his horizon extnnrtPfl Rnf
dont on any account let him lose his
own good opinion of his taste
It seems a little deceptive said the
young woman but I almost believe
Ill try it Chicago News
Suited to His Business
Gracious exclaimed the kind ohl
lady to the beggar are they the best
shoes youve got
Why lady replied the candid beg
gar could yer imagine better ones
fur dis blzness Every one o dem
holes means nickels an dimes ter me
Philadelphia Press
A Breaker
Mistress Jane have you cemented
the handle on to the water jug which
uwiitu jcaiauu junt l start-
a ed to mum but most unfortunately I
dropped the cement bottle Punch
Lame
The railroad wants to dig a cut
right through our suburb
And do they offer no excuse
Oh they say divided outskirts will
be more modish Washington Herald
It is only Imperfection that complains
of what is Imperfect The more per
fect we are the more gentle and quiet
we become toward the defects of oth
ers Fenelon
cr TfSppplRr
s
The Reason He Lost Interest
The adventures of real city dwellers
when In the country aro usually amus
ingto other folk There Is a certain
New York lawyer who proved no ex
ception to the rule when for the first
time In his life ho really got clear of
paved streets and found board at a
New England farmhouse Among other
things In the city ho had always been
a prominent member of the humane
society a fact which another boarder
a lady seemed to havo heard for the
second day of his stay she remarked
You are a member of the S P C A
aro you not Mr Carter
Mr Carter shifted his position with a
stifled groan and reflected In two
days he had been chased n mile by a
bull kicked over a fence by a mule
bitten in tho calf by a dog and butted
through a thorn hedge by a ram
I was madam he replied with em
phasis Philadelphia Ledger
Adam and Methuselah
A faithful student of Genesis for
many years Insists that Adams ago
was not 930 years but 030 moons and
counting thirteen moons to the year
he died at n little over seventy ono
years By the same calculation Methu
selah 909 was only seventy four
Otherwise says the sage they
would have required eighteen or twen
ty sets of teeth during their lifetime
New York Press
A record sponge ten feet in circum
ference and two feet thick was found
a few years ago by some sponge fish
ers off the Bahama islands
3EGGS CHERHr LUiji
SYRUP Cures BRONCHITIS
eawv
J J UHLL mUOUUK
AGENT FOR
THE CELEBRATED
Fairbury Hanehett
Windmill
This is a warranted and guaran
teed windmill nothing better in
the market Write or call on Mr
Ball before buying
PHONE BLACK 307
iWrWl
Mike Walsh
DEALEE IN
POULTRY
and EGGS
Old Rubber Copper and Brass
Highest Market Price Paid in Cash
Now location just across street in P Walsh
building
HcCook - Nebraska
F D BURGESS
Plumber and
Steam Fitter
Iron Lead and Sewer Pipe Brass
Goods Pumps an Boiler Trimmings
Estimates Furnished Free Base
ment of the Postoffice Building
McCOOK NEBRASKA
imgjMk
A few dopes of this remedy will in
variably cure an ordinary attack of
diarrhoea
It can always be depended upon
even in the more severe attacks of
cramp colic and cholera morbus
It is equally successful for summer
diarrhoea and cholera infantum in
children and is the means of Bavin
the lives of many children each yea
ce with water and
sweetened it is pleasant to take
Every man of a family should keep
ByftS
i RICE 5C Larqe Sizb 60c
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