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About The McCook tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 1886-1936 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 2, 1907)
s - The - Scrap Book Tho Ways of Congressmen It was at a banquet In Washington given to a large body of congressmen mostly from the rural districts Tho tables wcro elegant and It was a sceno of fairy splendor ho to speak but on one table there were no decorations but palm leaves Here said a congressman to the head waiter why dont you put them things on our tables too pointing to the plants The head waiter didnt know he was a congressman We calnt do It boss he whispered confidentially deys mostly congress men at all do tables ceptln dat one nn If we put pams on dere tables dey take um for celery an eat urn all up sho Deed dey would boss We knows em MORTALITY Ashes to ashes duBt to dustl What of his loving What of his luBt What of his passion What of his pain What of his poverty What of his pride Earth tho great mother has called him again Deeply ho sleeps tho worlds verdict de- Shall e bo tried again Shall he go free Who shall tho court convene Whero shall It bo No answer on tho land none from tho sea Only wo know that as ho died wo must You with your theory you with your trust Ashes to ashes dust unto dust Paul Laurence Dunbar College Days There was once a Yale sophomore who found himself in financial straits and pawned all his good clothes A little before Thanksgiving he got a big check from home When he got home for the holidays the first thing his mother took out of the trunk was an overcoat and on it was pinned the pawnbrokers ticket ho ad forgotten to remove Hastily grabbing the ticket he said Hello They must have forgotten to take this off at the Smith dance when I left it in the cloakroom A moment later his mother took out his evening trousers They also had a ticket on them Why Reginald she said surely you didnt leave these in the cloak room too did you Lippincotfs After Many Trials He was a sad faced American tourist ud as he seated himself in a London restaurant he was immediately attend ed by an obsequious waiter I want two eggs said the Ameri can one fried on one side and one on the other Ow is that sir asked the as tounded waiter Two eggs one fried on one side and one on the other Very well sir The waiter was gone several min utes and when he returned his face was a study Would you please repeat your bor der sir I said very distinctly two eggs one fried on one side and one on the other Oppressive silence and then a dazed Very well sir This time he was gone longer and when he returned he said anxiously Would it be awsking too much sir to ave you repeat your border sir I cawnt think I ave it right sir y know Two eggs said the American sadly and patiently one fried on one side and one on the other More oppressive silence and another and fainter Very well sir This time he was gone still longer When he returned his collar was un buttoned his hair disheveled and his face scratched and bleeding Leaning over the waiting patron he asked be seechingly Would you mind tyking boiled heggs sir Ive ad some words with the cook Ladles Home Journal Kissing the Girls Senator Vance once stumped North Carolina in joint debate Avith Judge Settle the Republican candidate for the governorship All the white Dem ocrats turned out to hear Vance and the colored Republicans to hear Settle At the conclusion of the speaking one day Vance was told that a number of young women bad expressed a desire to kiss the Democratic candidate He stepped down from the platform and kissed a dozen or so of the pretty young women when he stopped long enough to turn around to his competi tor and shout Im kissing my girls Settle now you kiss yours Anno Domino When Senator Vest was old and broken in health he once compared his state to that of a very old negro he remembered back in Kentucky See here Sam asked the negros friend whats the matter with you Dont know boss said the old darky but I think dat I am a-suffer-in wif anno domino The Indispensable Man When old Zach Taylor came Into the presidency persons In Washington soon began to tell him there was one public servant the government couldnt do without They said they had come to express the Jiope that the old gen eral and rather unexperienced presi dent would permit them to inform him of It This piece of information and advice was systematically dropped into his ear at frequent Intervals At first he paid little attention to it but finally took note of the fact that a certain Jofin Hobby who for twenty odd years had held the important office of assistant postmaster general was the official the government couldnt cet along without Tho communications became so frequent that one day as the last man disappeared old Zach broke out with this question Captain Harry who in the devil is this man nobby everybody Is saying we cant get along without The general was informed about tho official We must attend to the case at once We are liable to be In trouble about him any day We must be prepared He is liable to die on our hands and then the devil will be to pay Seems to me the man who cant be spared Is the one to turn out while tho govern ment is In a condition to meet the emergency Turn Hobby out Captain Harry and dont wait Well see whether or not he cant be spared Attend to the business at once cap tain Misdirected Mourning While exploring the grounds about the tomb of Washington a gentleman happened tn see a lady of mature years who bathed In tears was kneeling be fore an edifice some distance from the monument Thinking she was in some sort of distress the gentleman offered assistance No sir thank you very much I am not In trouble but my patriotic feelings overcome me when I gaze upon the tomb of the Father of his Country Quite so the gentleman replied tenderly I thoroughly understand but my dear madam you have made a mistake This is not the tomb of Washington This is an ice house He Knewthe Kind A small boy in Boston who had un fortunately learned to swear was re buked by his father Who told you that I swore asked the bad little boy Oh a little bird told me said the father The boy stood and looked out of tht window scowling at some sparrows which were scolding and chattering then he had a happy thought I know who told you he said It was one of those damned sparrows He Won the Pie When Barham the author of Th j Ingoldsby Legends was a boy at Can- teroury lie in company with a juve nile companion entered a Quakers meeting house and looking around at the grave assemblage held up a penny tart and said solemnly Whoever speaks first shall have this pie Go thy way said a drab colored gentle man rising go thy way and The pies yours sir exclaimed Barham and hastily dropping it before the speaker made his escape Not For Him A quiet and retiring citizen occupied a seat near the door of a crowded car when a masterful stout woman en tered Having no newspaper behind which to hide he was fixed and subjugated by her glittering eye He rose and offered his place to her Seating herself with out thanking him she exclaimed in tones that reached to the farthest end of the car What do you Avant to stand up there for Come here and sit on my lap Madam gasped the man as his face became scarlet I beg your par don I I What do you mean shrieked the woman You know very well I was speaking to my niece there behind you Ladies Home Journal The Host Could Not Leave At a large evening party one of the guests stood in a corner yawning Are you very much bored sir ask ed his neighbor Yes dreadfully was the answer And you Oh I am bored to death too How would it do to clear out to gether I am sorry I cant I am the host Stantons Bone Crusher Some officer had disobeyed or failed to comprehend an order - I believe Ill sit down said Secre tary Stanton and give that man a piece of my mind Do so said Lincoln write him now while you have it on your mind Make it sharp Cut him all up Stanton did not need a second invi tation It was a bone crusher that he read to the president Thats right said Lincoln thats a good one Who can I send it by mused the secretaiy Send it replied Lincoln send it Why dont send it at all Tear it up You have freed your mind on the subject and that is all that is neces sary Tear it up You never want to send such letters I never do A Discrepancy Two sailors one Irish the other Eng lish agreed to take care of each other in case of either being wounded in the battle of Trafalgar It was not long before the Englishmans leg was shot off by a cannon ball and Paddy took him up to carry him to the doctor ac cording to their agreement but had scarcely got his companion on his back when a second ball struck off the poor fellows head Paddy through the noise and bustle had not perceived his friends last misfortune but continued to make the best of his way to the sur geon An officer observing him with the headless trunk asked him where he was going To the doctor says Paddy The doctor says the officer Why the man ha3 lost his head On bearing this the Irishman laid the body down and looked at It attentively Thats strange he said more than strange Why he told me twas his leg Bung So you have succeeded in tracing back my ancestors What is your fee Genealogist Twenty guin eas for keeping quiet about them Wit aaid Humor of LESLIE M SliAW T nB ex secretary of the treasury during his offi cial career was known as the story teller of the cabi net He has been likened to Lincoln p his democratic ways his careless ness of dress his epigrams and his homely Illustra tions Perhaps It would be just as well not to seek for many other re semblances but in witty remarks and pat anecdotes ex Secretary Shaw does approach the great war president nere Is a sample of the aptness of his stories A man went to him one day when there was talk of some customs frauds In New York to ask if he intended starting an investigation I knew a fellow once said Mr Shaw who hunted foxes with a brass band A very long and embarrass ing pause while the secretary went on signing his mail He didnt get any foxes One day Justice narlan of the su preme court propounded this query to Shaw Mr Secretary what is the differ ence between a statesman and a poli tician Quick as thought came the answer Its the difference between the young man seeking a position and the boy looking for a job A friend of the family once remark ed to the secretary Mrs Shaw is so kind isnt she Kind repeated Mr Shaw Mrs Shaw would be kind to her own execu tioner When the treasury portfolio was of fered to Governor Shaw his friends in his presence were speculating as to whether lie would accept or not He set their minds at rest by telling the following story Two boys Bill and Bob were at the dinner table Some time before the end of the meal the pie was passed Bill declined to take any saying he was not yet ready for the dessert Bob helped himself to the biggest piece on the plate and turning to Bill remark ed Bill alius take pie when pie is passiu The treasury department had a mi nor employee named Mike who went on periodical sprees But he was con sidered indispensable so was taken back each time Mr Shaw learned of this and asked the delinquents imme diate superior What would you do if Mike were dead Ob I suppose we would have to straighten out things ourselves Well so far as this de partment is coucerned Mike is dead So begin and straighten When he was secretary he always wanted to help people if he could but much as he desired to assist one wom an to a position he saw it was impos sible I tell you how it is my good wom an lie said Anally Im always will ing to climb a tree for anybody but I couldnt climb a greased pole to please my mother I want to help you but I simply cant do it Senator Depew once raised a great laugh at a London banquet by quoting the following poem as coming from Shaws pen Go ask papa the maiden said He knew that her papa was dead He also knew the life hed led And understood her when she said Go ask papa Englishmen are said to be slow in seeing a joke but even they caught on to the girls polite method of telling an unwelcome suitor to go to the infernal regions When Shaw was governor he was one day making a speech in which he was often interrupted by one man in the audience This individual butted in once too often In an unhappy mo ment he broke in with Pardon me but Before be could finish the governor replied Well Ive pardoned lots worse fellows than you in my time and I presume it would be unjust to draw the line here The fellow sat down and during the remaining two hours of the address there were no more interruptions Governor Shaw once addressed a letter to his wife as follows Tho Best Woman In the World Des Moines la The letter said the happy woman with a mixture of delight and senti ment was delivered to me without question as the postmaster knew the writing When Bellamy Storer was dismissed from the diplomatic service recently some one asked Shaw if the decision had been sudden In answer came a story Out west said the secretary there was a tenderfoot who struck a new town just as a funeral procession was coming out He stood and watch ed it file by and then inquired of one of the bystanders who the deceased was Pink Eyed Bill was the reply Was his death sudden inquired the tenderfoot Sudden said the resident No stranger Hed been under suspicion a long time A QUEER ISLAND No Bottom Found In Any of tho Weill Bored In Curacoa Curacoa is one of the queerest little islands In the Caribbean sea It lies Bixty miles north of Venezuela Is about sixty miles long and twelve or four teen miles wide and It has a popula tion of more than 50000 There Is no means of procuring fresh water on the island except by saving rainwater In reservoirs A number of wells have been bored under the su pervision of the Dutch government to which it belongs but each ended in n failure A curious statement regarding these borings Is made by the inhabitants of the Island They saw that in each and every case after a certain depth was reached the tools dropped out of sight Indicating that there Is no solid foundation to tho Island The borings were made In low places and through hills and In about thirty different places each with the same ultimate result A few wells have been dug to a lesser depth and brackish un pleasant tasting water Is obtained fit only for manufacturing purposes The approach of the rainy season is always an interesting time The wa ter In the reservoir Is low at this time and the natives eagerly await the op portunity to gather a fresh supply Clothing is never washed there in fresh water but at all hours of the day the beach is alive with women beating the clothes with clubs on the rocks Buffalo News Men INOPPORTUNE DEATHS Who Had They Lived Might Have Changed History Julius Caesar was assassinated when he had almost completed the task of consolidating the administration and dominion of the Roman empire and his death opened the way to that des potism and corruption which ultimate ly undid his work Henry of Navarre was killed when he had almost healed the differences between Catholic and Protestant which subsequently rent not only Prance but Europe and Wil liam the Silent also fell when he was on the point of uniting the Netherland provinces into a compact barrier against the encroachments of Spain In English history Lord Clive died at the moment when he was the one man who could have saved the American colonies and kept the Anglo Saxon race united But there Is the case of beau He was literally the one man in France who could have averted the horrors of the revolution saved and reformed the monarchy and so spared Europe the murderous career of Napo leon and all the devastation it brought If lie had lived ten or even five years longer the history not only of France but of Europe and the world would have been different It is in fact suf ficient say that he would liavq made bothi pierre and Napoleon impos sible bind Magazine A Great Leveler Have you ever thought what a great leveler the telephone is You would never think of meeting some dignitary of church or state or some great so ciety lady on the street and address either with a familiar Hello It would be unpardonable rudeness and yet that is what you do daily when you use the telephone and nothing is thought of it The judge on the bench the governor in his office the busy coupon clipper at his desk the overworked clerk the lady in her boudoir the artisan at his lathe are all slaves to that democratic Tlello it matters not who may be on the other end of the wire Stanberry Owl The Old Commercial Instinct What do you think of this table William asked Mrs Newlyrich pointing proudly to the antique piece sho had purchased What did you pay for it grunted her Bill of without any money days One hundred dollars dear I think you ought to have been able to buy a new one for that returned her unantiquarian informed spouse casting a reflective and scrutinizing glance over the ancient piece of fur niture New York Herald A Wrong Steer A mathematical professor had been invited by a city friend to visit him at his residence in a certain square and had promised to do so Meeting him some time afterward the friend in quired of the professor why he did not come to see him I did come said the mathemati cian but there was some mistake You told me that you lived in a square and I found myself in a parallelogram so I went away again The Point of View You cant get in here on a half ticket exclaimed the doorkeeper at the circus I thought I could apologized the Small town citizen I have a bad eye and I only expected to see half of the show Then youll have to get two tickets said the doorkeeper If you only have one good eye itll take you twice as long to see the show Harpers Week ly The Supreme Test That seemed such a queer marriage Of Robinsons How did he come to select his bride He found they had kept the same t cook in the family for twelve years Baltimore American A Broad Hint Fred Last night as you stood in the moonlight I couldnt help but thlnb how much I would like to kiss you Freda Well the poet says The nought of yesterday Is the action of oday Pick-Me-Up Monogram First National M of McCmk Solicits the patronage of those who work on a salary as well as the account of the merchant and fanner If you have not already opened an account do so today no mat ter how small it will be cheerfully accepted Capital and Surplus 7500000 Safety deposit boxes for rent These are always inside our fire and burglar proof vault 100 per year SXs3XS Make your friend a birthday present of some Stationery We have an excellent line of samples from which you can choose embossed in one or two colors or in bronze or gold any letters or combination of letters Call and see samples of the monograms and stock The TRIBUNE Office rv V r HANKLire PRESIDENT A U EBEKT CASHIER JAS S DOYLE Vice President THR CITIZENS V FRANKLIN WORKS WONDERS DIRECTORS I JAS S DOYLE A Wonderful Compound Cures Piles Eczema Skin Itching Skin Erup tions Cuts and Bruises Doans Ointment is the best skin treatment and the cheapest because so little is required to cure It cures piles after years of torture It cures obstinate cases of eczema It cures all skin itch ing It cures skin eruptions It heals cuts bruises scratches and abrasions without leaving a scar It cures perma nently Grateful testimony proves it Mrs Mary York of 340 North Topeka avenue Wichita Kan ssys I still have the same faith in Doans Ointment that 1 had four years ago 1 use it oc casionally and find that it always gives the same satisfactory results Off and on for thirty years I was annoyed with tetter or salt rheum as some call it on my hands They would scale over and then break out little bunches appearing and the itching would be so intense I could not resist rubbing the parts and this irritated them and made them worse I tried nearly everything recommanded to such annoyances and consulted doc tors but in spite of all I obtained little if any relief until I learned of Doans Ointment and procured it Its use promptly stopped the itching and healed the sores When cold weather sets in I often notice a return of the trouble but I can always rely upon Doans Ointment to give positive relief Im indeed grate ful for the benefit I have received from this preparation For sale by all dealers Price 50 cents Foster Milburn Co Buffalo N Y sole agents for the United States Remember the name Doans and take no other Bound duplicate receipt books three receipts to the page for Bale at The Tribune office The Tribune is now prepared to do your job printing of all kinds promptly BANK OF MeCOOK NEB a Paid Up Capital 50000 Surplus 1 2000 A C EBERT 3SlVi VQrQ1QQQS The McCook Tribune e Db a d finch OSTEOPATHIC PHYSICIAN and OPTICIAN Office days Tuesdays Wednes days Thursdays and Saturdays Office in Post Office Bldg - Phone 13 E F OSBORN J W WENTZ OSBORN WENTZ - Draymen Prompt Service Courteous Treatment Reasonable Prices GIVE US A TRIAL Imil If you will figure with usand quulity of material is any object you will be easily convincedthat we out class all 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