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1 IflWS DINNER
Rattlesnakes on Toast Was
-the Cowboys Order
BUT HE MET WITH HIS MATCH
The Promptness With Which the
Tough Waiter Served tho Dish Took
- tho Terrors Norvo Away Tho Re
past and tho Final Request
Away back in 187G a man named
Turpin established a restaurant in
Yuma and among Turplns original
employees was a waiter named Job
Straight who could shoot with great
precision play draw poker with un
varylng success and pack eighteen
plates of miscellaneous grub upon one
bare arm at one time lie could exe
cute all the prevailing melodies either
on piano or guitar and he possessed
the most tremendous baritone voice
ever heard in Arizona Why men some
times went to Turplns just to hear Joe
deliver gastronomic orders No per
fect description can be given of that
voice however except to say that at
times It really did make things clatter
Once a fresh young cowboy from
near Gila Bend entered Turplns for a
Christmas dinner who took a startling
concoction as an appetizer and then
dropped thud like at a table and rough
ly shouted to Straight
Say there Baldy Bring me some
grub
Job was at first appalled but recov
ering his reserve limit of equanimity
be brushed an Imaginary breadcrumb
from the frescoed tablecloth and
whisked a bill of fare from the varie
gated castor and placed it before the
new young terror of the Bend
Take it away cried the latter in
tones that could give Straights ordi
nary everyday baritone a castle and
checkmate it in five moves I dont
want to read your darned old tract
I dont care a darn who came Into the
iworld to save sinners Bring me some
grub Grub Grub Grub
What do you want
Rattlesnakes on toast And I want
you to hump yourself
Whats that
Ive given my order you baldheaded
old cigar store sign and I want you to
get a move on yourself p d q Rattle
snakes on toast
Rattlesnakes on toast cried Job to
the cook in accents that would have
paralyzed Carl Formes bad that old
basso profundo been living and heard
them
Rattlesnakes on toast was the re
verberating response from the cook
upon receiving the order
There were a dozen or more people in
the restaurant and their eyes were at
once turned on the young person from
the Bend and the infuriated waiter
In the meantime the cook had taken
a big catfish and cut It into four strips
and rolled these strips in batter so
that they much resembled the viand or
dered and after placing them in the
frying pan he stuck his head out of the
kitchen and shouted to Job
You want them rattlers rare or well
done
The waiter repeated the Interrogatory
in a cyclonic way and the terror re
plied in as violent a tone and manner
as he could command Well done with
plenty of gravy and Chill Colorado
And then Job thundered to the cook
Well done with plenty of Chili Colo
rado hot as and moccasin gravy
on the side and brochettes of sand
crane livers and Gila monster lights
There was an Instantaneously dead
silence in that restaurant and all eyes
were again cast upon the terror and
the waiter The former turned ashen
pale and began to weaken perceptibly
while Job gazed at bis victim
Maybe you dont think we can serve
all the market affords muttered Job
Maybe you dont like moccasin gravy
or brochettes a la mode Maybe you
aint hungry
Say Youve got me I aint hungry
so help me I couldnt eat a single hard
boiled egg Countermand that durned
order old man and Ill pay all ex
penses and set em up as long as any
body can drink Beg pardon gentle
men all My first attempt to be a ter
mor pardon me gentlemen Its my
last
And then he handed his revolver to
Job and added
Take that pistol old man as a
present and promise me that the next
itlme any durned fool comes In here
and calls for rattlesnakes on toast
youll shoot him dead
But Straight was too raving mad all
the way through to willingly emerge
from a situation only tolerably tri
umphant So he took the weapon just
as the order was being placed on the
Stable and pointing It at the terror
exclaimed
Now then my boy dump yourself
into that chair and eat them snakes
bones skin and all
The young fellow did as he was com
manded but after finishing his repast
staggered the uncompromising Job by
shouting
I say Baldy bring me another
plate of snakes Denver News
I Wanted New Ones
A traveler putting up at a fifth class
otel brought the boots up with bis
angry storming
Want your room changed sir
Whats the matter sir
The rooms all right fumed the
guest scorchingly If s the fleas I ob-
6
ect to all
Mrs Bloobs bawled the boots In
an uninterested sort of voice the
igent in No G is satisfied with his room
but he wants the fleas changed Il
lustrated Bits
THE IateStTiarvel
Tho Gyroscopo Locomotive Which
Runs on a Single Rail or Cable
A train that will spin along on a sin
gle rail or even on a wire cable up hill
and down across ravines and rivers
around curves performing miracles of
mechanical engineering is what Is
promised by Louis Brennan C B of
the Royal Society of London Inventor
of the Brennan torpedo and other de
vices that are now In extensive use lie
promises that trains shall run at high
speed as much as 125 to I0 miles per
hour and that the cars shall bo hotels
on wheels from fifteen to twenty feet
wide permitting of much more con
venient arrangement than eyjen In the
case of cars run on two rails according
to the present system lie promises
that the engines and cars of such
trains shall maintain their balance on
the single rail or cable perfectly de
spite differences of load and the tendon-
Ki
r t r ii m - av
tm - ffiL
i fii fHiCmJ vara
WZ 6 e ffc ty JAIPIIllz3ra
THE GYKOSCOPE LOCOMOTIVE
cy to fall earthward due to the law of
gravitation All tills is promised on
the strength of the performances of
his miniature engine or model which
is six feet long and powerful enough
to take his little daughter on trips upon
a monorail line constructed around
his private estate In New Brompton
Kent It has also carried easily a man
weighing 140 pounds
This engine which the inventor calls
the gyroscope locomotive was recently
put through a performance before the
Royal society and the members of
that learned body were convinced that
it would ultimately work a revolution
in the railway world The principle of
the Invention Is simply that which en
ables the common top to maintain its
equilibrium when in rapid motion de
spite all temptations to fall over In
one end of the gyroscope locomotive Is
the gyratory apparatus consisting of
two flywheels rotated in opposite di
rections by electricity These flywheels
keep the engine perfectly balanced on
Its one rail Electricity or other motive
power may be used in moving the en
gine along the rail and thus dragging
a train of cars
ROOSEVELT LONG
Nature Fakir Controversy Between
Stamford Author and President
A good many people had never heard
of the Rev Dr William J Long of
Stamford Conn before President
Roosevelt in a recent magazine article
called in question some statements the
former made in his books about ani
mals Now the authors name is a
household word his works are among
the books In special demand at the
libraries and incidentally the contro
versy the presidents criticisms pro
voked has added considerably to the
gayety of the nations One of the
Long stories which caused Mr Roose
velt to put the Stamford author In the
nature fakir class related to the feat
of a wolf which according to Dr Long
killed a caribou bjr biting him through
the chest to the heart This story was
brought to the attention of no less dis
tinguished a body than the cabinet a
short time ago when President Roose
velt read to his councilors an affidavit
of a Sioux Indian produced by Dr
Long to prove his assertion about
the wolf In connection with the affi
davit was an editorial paragraph which
THE REV DR WTIiIiIAM J LONG
asked how E H Harriman and Poult
ney Bigelow would like to have a Sioux
Indian elected a member of the Ana
nias club It is said there were chuc
kles over the reading of the paragraph
though the nature faking controversy
did not come officially before the cab
inet for consideration
Dr Long is forty years of age a na
tive of Massachusetts a Harvard and
Heidelberg graduate has been writing
books about animals for some ten years
and belongs to the ministry of the Con
gregational church He charges Yhat
President Roosevelt Is not a real stu
dent of animals and condemns him for
shooting them
What Came Up
I planted some grass seeds in the
front yard and what do you suppose
i ameup
Grass
Nope
What then
A lot of birds came up and ate the
seed Cleveland Tlain Dealer
The
-
Scrap Book
Why the Congregation Tittered
The story is told of Helen Ilunt the
famous author of Ramona that one
morning after church service she found
a purse full of money and told her pas
tor about It
Very well he said you keep It
and at the evening service I will an
nounce It which he did In this wise
This morning there was found In
this church a purse filled with money
If the owner Is present he or she can
go to Helen Hunt for it
BEREAVED
Let mo como In where you sit weeping
aye
Let me who have not any child to die
Weep with you for tho little one whose
love
I have known nothing of
The little army that slowryy slowly loosed
Their pressurepjQund your neck tho
hands you used
To kiss such arms such hands I never
knew t
May I not weep with you
Fain would I bo of service say some
thing
Between the tears that would be com
forting
But ah no sadder than yourself am I
Who have no child to die
James Whltcomb Riley
Sauce For the -Gander
A busy merchant was about to leave
home in Brixton for a trip on the con
tinent and his wife knowing his aver
sion to letter writing reminded him
gently of the fact
Now John you must be eyes and
ears for us at homo and drop us an
occasional post card telling us any
thing of Interest Dont forget will
you dear
The husband promised The next
morning his wife received a postal
card Dear Wife I reached Dover all
right Yours aff
Though somewhat disappointed she
thought her husband must have been
pressed for time Two days later how
ever another card arrived with this
startling announcement Here I am in
Paris Yours ever And still later
I am indeed In Paris Yours
Then the wife decided to have a lit
tle fun and seized her pen and wrote
Dear nusband The children and I
are at Brixton Yours
A few days later she wrote again
We are still in Brixton
In her last communication she grew
more enthusiastic Dear Husband
Here we are In Brixton I repeat it
sir we are in Brixton P S We are
indeed
The First Offense
Tommy who has been punished
Mamma did your mamma whip you
when you were little
Mother Yes when I was naughty
Tommy And did her mamma whip
her when she was little
Mother Yes Tommy
Tommy And was she whipped when
she was little
Mother Yes
Tommy Well who started it any
way Lippincotts
The Henglish Haitch
Illustrative of that troublesome
Henglish haitch an American traveler
relates the following
Once I dined with an English farmer
We had ham very delicious baked
ham The farmers son soon finished
his portion and passed his plate again
More am father he said
The farmer frowned
Dont say am son Say am
I did say am the lad protested in
an injured tone
You said am cried the father
fiercely Ams what it should be
Am not am
In the middle of the squabble the
farmers wife turned to ine and with
a deprecatory little laugh explained
They both think theyre sayin am
sir Everybodys
Chamberlain and the Mayor
Joseph Chamberlain was the guest
of honor at a dinner in an important
city The mayor presided and when
coffee was being ser ed the mayor
leaned over and touched Mr Chamber
lain saying Shall we let the peoplu
enjoy themselves a little longer or had
we better have your speech now
Jack London as a Musician
Jack London the author was intro
duced one day to a musician
I too am a musician in a small
way London said My musical tal
ent was once the means of saving mv
life
How was that the musician asked
There was a great flood in our town
in my boyhood replied London
When the water struck our house my
father got on a bed and floated with
the stream until he was rescued
And you said the musician
Well said London I accompanied
him on the piano Ladies Home
Journal
The Boys Looked Afjer Limpy
Here boy let me have a paper
Cant
Why not I heard you crying them
loud enough to be heard at the city
hall
Yes but that was down tother
block ye know where I hollered
What does that matter Come now
no fooling Im in a hurry
Couldnt sell you a paper on this
here block mister cos it blongs to
Limpy Hes just up the furdest end
now Youll meet him
And who is Limpy and why does
he have this block
Cos us other kids agreed to let him
have It Ye see its a good run count
of the offices all along and the poor
chap Is that lame he cant git around
lively like tho rest of us so wo agreed
that tho first one caught sellin on his
beat should be thrashed See
Yes I see You have a sort of a
brotherhood among yourselves
Well were golu to look out for a
little cove whats lame anyhow
There comes LImpy now Hes a
fortunate boy to have such friends
The gentleman bought two papers of
him and went on his way downtown
wondering how many men in business
would refuse to sell their wares In or
der to give a weak halting brother a
chance in the field
Polite Cowboys
Colliers Weekly sajs that cowboys
are always glad to practice politeness
when they have a chance Two ladies
delayed by an accident lunched in a
station of the Southern Pacific road
Two cowboys were at the table They
arose bowed and stood until the ladles
were seated To be equally courteous
one of the ladies asked May I not
pass the butter The reply was im
mediate I dont choose none thank
you most to death maam
Misdirected Mourning
While exploring the grounds about
the tomb of Washington a gentleman
happened to see a lady of mature years
who bathed in tears was kneeling be
fore an edifice some distance from the
monument Thinking she was in some
sort of distress the gentleman offered
assistance
No sir thank you very much I am
not in trouble but my patriotic feelings
overcome mo when I gaze upon the
tomb of the Father of his Country
Quite so the gentleman replied
tenderly I thoroughly understand
but my dear madam you have made a
mistake This Is not the tomb of
Washington This is an Ice house
He Knew the Kind
A small boy in Boston who had un
fortunately learned to swear was re
buked by his father Who told you
that I swore asked the bad little
boy Oh a little bird told me said
the father The boy stood and looked
out of the window scowling at some
sparrows which were scolding and
chattering then he had a happy
thought I know who told you he
said It was one of those damned
sparrows
Returned the Courtesy
Oliver Wendell Holmes was strolling
on the beach one day when he began
chatting with a little girl who was
building pyramids of sand His charm
of personality had its customary effect
and the child soon slipped her hand
into his and walked with him By and
by the little one said she must return
to her mother Goodby my dear
said Mr Holmes and when mother
asks you where youve been tell her
youve been walking on the beach with
Oliver Wendell Holmes The great
name was absolutely unknown to the
childbut she recognized a courtesy in
KTn
Fe words or her ntnifigor TrTeniTatuT
was not to bo outdone His pleasant
bow nnd smile ncqulred n quaint gravi
ty as imitated by tho child She re
plied And when you go homo and
they ask you where youve been tell
them you were walking on the beach
with Mary Susanna Brown
Bill Inside
Bill Jones a Louisiana storekeeper
went to New Orleans to buy a stock of
goods They were shipped at once
nnd reached home before lib did
When the boxes were delivered at his
store his wife happened to look at
the largest She uttered a loud cry
and called for a hammer A neighbor
hearing the screams rushed to her as
sistance and asked what was the mat
ter The wife pale and faint pointed
to an inscription on the box which
read as follows Bill Inside
He Objected
A certain learned professor In New
York has a wife and family but pro
fessorlike his thoughts are always
with his books
One evening his wife who had been
out for some hours returned to find
the house remarkably quiet She had
left the children playing about but
now they were nowhere to be seen
She demanded to be told what had
become of them and the professor ex
plained that as they had made a good
deal of noise he had put them to bed
without waiting for her or calling a
maid
I hope they gave you no trouble
she said
No replied the professor with the
exception of the one In the cot here
He objected a good deal to my undress
ing him and putting him to bed
The wife went to inspect the cot
Why she exclaimed thats little
Johnny Green from next door La
dies Homo Journal
Prompt Retribution
The following notice was recently
found tacked on the door of a local
church There Avill be preaching in
this house a week from next Wednes
day Providence permitting and there
will be preaching here whether or no
on Monday following upon the subject
He that belleveth and Ib baptized shall
be saved and he that belleveth not
shall be damned at HMO in the after
noon Clinton Mo Record
Didnt Know For Sure
Down in New Iberia La where Jo
seph Jefferson had one of his numer
ous houses the actor and ex President
Cleveland were going over the planta
tion together and stopped before an
old antebellum cabin A smiling mam
my invited them to enter On the wall
of th bare dark room hung a litho
graph picture of Cleveland
Mnmy said Jefferson whose
picture is that
I doan know fo sho was the re
ply but I think its John de Baptls
You Can Get
two
F D BURGESS
Plumber and
Steam Fitter
Iron Lead and Sewer Pipe Brass
Goods Pumps an Boilor Trimmings
Estimates Furnished Freo Base
ment of the Postoffice Building
McCOOK NEBRASKA
WANTED A11 kind8 of laundry
help at good wages
in niodorn airy well lighted plants
Climato unsurpassed Mountain nu
and sunshine Address
J S SACHS
1211 15th Street Denver Colo
H P SUTTON
McCOOR
C II HOYLE
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