At the Restaurant * IT ] t is tlio pretty waiter girl Sho's cno ninoiiir tf euro ; And 'flH not tlmt I love thorn less , But O. I love her more ! Down to the festive hoard T sit ; She stands behind my clnilr ; I ontdi the slight Buggcstivo cough That tells uio she is there. My pretty , pretty wnltcr-gtrll Slio hath n pleasant voice : Of chnpH and steaks , of flsli and fowl , She bl'Hletli me ninlco choice. I ponder on uiy Hit Jo Joke while Umbering the menu : Then : "If I wore to order duck , J might , perhaps , got you. " Her eyes are on the tnhlo cloth ; Their glance It Is severe "Or , should I call for veiil. on , 'Tivero you agnin , my dear. " She wears the lofty look of olio Who ro ircheih the top shelf ; "Prny , do not nek for goose. " she Bald , "For you might got yourself. " Boston Courier. AN ESSAY ON CARLSBAD. Eugonn Field Drscrlbps and onr Special Artist Illustrate * the Charming Koxort. Die Vcrdauungsschwachc is the most ferocious malady known to man. It is feline in its cruelty. It seldom kills. It pounces upon , it crip ples , and it plays with its victim , reveling in his misery , delighting in his groans. Some times it steals away and hides. You think it has forgotten you ; you flatter yourself that you arc no longer its slave. Wretched creature miserable dupe that you arc , you smile and you are gay. In another moment and with redoubled malignity die Verdauungsachwache has its talons about your throat and its beak in your vitals. It is a terror whose pres ence bids defiance alike to life and to death. This monster has one surpassing foe one adversary whose supremacy it concedes and yields unto. That foe is Carlsbad. And -what is Carlsbad and wherefore is it so potent and so famed ? Carlsbad is n spot. It Is a streak be tween hills in Bohemia. An ancient tradition says that it was discovered by a dog. That dog is now dead. Hence has arisen tbe saying : "They tried it on the dog. " ' The people of Bohemia are known the world over as wanderers. They are necessarily tramps because they cannot fafford to live at home. It is cheaper to move. Carlsbad was the last created spot on earth. It was made up of what was left over. It rains in Carlsbad six-sevenths of the time. It is the most watery watering place on earth. The es- sentinls to a successful career therein are a wal- .let and an umbrella , bnth big. It a [ jood place for disease , doc- ors. and ducks. People who go to Carlsbad may be sick of anything. When they go away they are sick of nothing but Carlsbad. The coming and the going illustrate re spectively the comparative and superla tive degrees of joy. Oarlsbnd is constructed like the in testine of a sandhill crane. It has an alimentary canal running straight through it. Everything else in Carlsbad is crooked. The native of Carlsbad has four hands , with ten fingers to each hand. Other people go to Carlsbad for their health , but the native is not there for that pur pose. If you take jovr eyes off him you are gone. Button up your coat and put your hands in your pocket while you talk with him. Make him sign and swear to every proposition he makes. He has got you anyway.but do not walk into the trap -with your eyes shut. Put yourself in a position to be able to sav honestly that you knew it all the time. Every house in Carlsbad is a hostelry , and a bad one. Some may be classed as larcenies , others as highway robberies. Tbe only differ ence is the degree of the crime. It is a tradition that once upon a time the Goths and Vandals , tempted by rumors of tha exceeding ricliBs of Carlsbad-hotel- keepers , made an incursion , but con trived to get away without losing much. From America there are many routes to Carlsbad. But there are only two return routes , one the nottbern and the other the southern route. You swim home by one and skate home by the other. The marshy character of the soil between Europe and America renders walking impracticable. The portier is one who .poses at the entrance to every hotel and bows as you go out or come in. Ho speaks fluently every language except your language. " Your language he speaKs a leedle. ror bowing to you and for speaking your language a leedlo you have to pay the portier a florin a week , He also has the prerogative and inalienable right to < ; uarge you 2 kreutzers for every newspaper - ] paper that comes to you by post. ' If you kick he will simply put a snaffle on you. The fish that swim in Carlbad creeks lave many names , but they are one. If vou eat him as the trout you pay 1 florin ; | If as the solo , 75 kreutzers ; if as the ; zander ; CO kreutzers. You cheese the name and pay your money. i The doctor is autocrat in Carlsbad. "What ho says must go. If you fare ill he BQJS it is because you are not obejr- lug Ills t rders ; if you ure fure well In aya "I knew it would bo sol" lie assures you that you arc manin ; weight you must take it for grautet that if the scales tell you differently the scales Ho. At aay rato.you may depone ! upon it that the doctor will not suffei you to leave Carlsbad until your wallcj at least has been reduced in heft Thou ho will send you to Switzerland , Tlmt's where the Alps ore ; they arc verj high , but they nro not so high as thing ! aru in Carlsbad. The waters in Carlsbad arc warm ; they arc the reverse of the weather , which , though watery , is not warm. "When the water ftnd die VerdauungsschwacUo meet within you they arc both some what surprised. Aud , for that matter , BO are you. Both water and Vcrduungs- Bchwachc seem to fear one another. They strike a truce. The water goes it ] way and so does die Verdauungaschwa- clie. clie.But But this truce is only temporary. Be fore tbc storm the calm ; peace precede ; war. war.After a week of respectful quiet there is trouble. The water aud die Ver- dauungsschwncho fall to quarreling.uud you are the field of battle , the dead , the dying , and tlic wounded. Sometitnea the water temporarily succeeds aud plays triumphal marches through your system. Anon die Verdauungsscuwacuo achieves the mastery and celebrates with pyrotechnics technics apd brass-band music through your vitals. This sort of thing continues ten days. It is merely a question of time whethei die Verdauutigsschwache or you suc cumb first This is why ho who stir , vives Carlsbad is vulgarly called a blood of the first water. In Carlsbad alone does die Ver- dauungsschwache meet its "Waterloo. Eugene Field , in Chicago News. SACRED MISCHIEF-MAKERS , An Amusing Encounter TJotiroen a Mon key and a Bull Dog- . Sqrue species of the monkey familj are held sacred by the flindoos , with the result that the naturally mischiev ous animals become extremely familial so familiar , indeed , as to be really a nuisance , at least in the eyes of Eu ropeans residents. The author of "Thirty-eight Years in India" gives an amusing account ol an experience of his dog with one of those sacred mischief-makers. "The monkey took up his position day after day on the lower , limb of a mango tree , and there he remained , indifferent to .ill threats and intimida tions , and this led to a delicious re sult "I have already mentioned Toby , ray unparalleled bull dog. When tha nuisance of these sacred monkeys be gan to be annoying Toby interested himself in making occasional raids up on the intruders , but with little effect , and seemed quite distressed by his fail ures. "One day I was standing with the dog by my side , when he observed our defiant old friend take his scat as usual on the branch. As he allowed his tail to iiang down it struck me , and I verily believe it struck Toby also , that , although his body was out of reach , his tail might be grabbed. "I spoke in a low tone to Toby ; he seemed to understand , crouched , and gradually approached the tree. The monkey remained immovable and ap parently unconcerned , and the tail con tinued to hang temptingly down. "Suddenly Toby made a rush for the tail. Everything bespoke a iriumph long delayed. "Alas ! Alas ! The venerable mon key never moved , but as Toby's open mouth turned upward to seize at least the tail he quietly but at the proper ! moment lifted it up with his left hand , i as a gentleman would raise his coattail - tail to enjoy the lire , and , stooping pleasantly forward , gave Toby a pleas ant box on the ear with his right hand , looking at him as ho passed with a calm and satirical indifference. "More amusing still was the fact that after this rehearsal the experiment was repeated more than once. I can still vividly recall the calm , philosophi cal indifference of the monkey , the cal culating advance of the impassioned and yet baffled Toby , the repeated rushthe quiet elevation of the tail , and the insulting pat on the gasping cheek. " That Settled It. "Your father was exceedingly , 1 should say unusually , cordial in his manner to me to-night , " said the bash ful young man , after the old gentleman had passed on up stairs. "Indeed , did he impress you so ? " asked the fair creature who sat at his side. "And what do you think ho said this morning ? O , it was such a joke ! Guess ! " Tin sure I haven't the slightest idea. " "Such a joke ! He said he said that as he passed through the hall last night he was sure he heard you heard you kiss me ! The i dea ! " "Why , er why , I never did such a thing in my li " The old "gentleman will have a new son-in-law next month. Polk Swaips in Pittsburg Dispatch. A Serious Question. Mrs. Wellesley Vassar "Why are you so dejected , Miranda ? "Xou" have every reason to be elated after having taken the senior prize in classics ; and your essay on 'Deductive Philosophy' won the admiration of all the faculty. So well e.quipped a girl should Miranda Vassar "That's just the trouble ; how how can I find a hus band who is able to sew buttons on , and cook , and mind the the 0 > ( Weeps. ) Puck- The United States commissioner oi patents nstimated that from six to seven-eighths of the entire manufac turing capital of the United States , or $6,009,000,000. is directly or indirectly based upon patents. THE FARM AND HOME. GLEANINGS FROM THE .AGRI CULTURAL PRESS. Experiments in breeding for Good Jlutlon- Fccdlni ; Horses For Good Health Plants for Honey Ilecs Slock and Dairy The Household. Good Mutton. " " " A. B. Allen , the popular writer on stock-breeding1 , ia of the opinion that , for making : good mutton , there mus be two crosses on the Merino ewe. Ho would use first a Cotswold , and then on the offspring1 a Southdown. The Cotswold , he thinks , more surely re- Gnes the bones and adds to the juici ness and amount of the flesh of the ofl- Bpringr than any other sort. The Merino owe is declared goner.illy rather bony and thin and dry in the flesh. Cotswold grades of themselves make fair mutton , but are occasionally somewhat too fat for the taste of people generally ; so in order to neutralize this tendency to fat , a second croos is necessary on these ( Trade ewes of another breed of ram. For this purpose , the Southdown is recommended as "unequaleu , as his flesh is abundant in proportion to his bones , and extra lean , tender , juicy and savory. " It is the most ancient of the English breeds , and likewise the most prepotent a very important con sideration in the transmission of quality. Rams of this character can be bought at reasonable prices in England , and on shipboard "can be cast loose in roomy pens. " containing twelve to fifteen each , thus getting "reasonable exercise on the voyage , and are not injured by the violent lurching of the vessel , as they may there stand close to each other for mutual support and protection. " But why can they not be bred in this country , as we have many line flocks of Southdowns , and save the trouble , risk and expense of a sea voyage ? We should prefer those that were bred and thoroughly acclimated hero. Feeding Horses. Professor J. W. Sauborn says : The attempt to make hay the chief ration of horses imposes a sevora tax upon them , and the result is seen in their distended stomachs and the spiritless and clumsy horses of many farmers. All intelligent students of the horse give little hay , and feed grain more liberally than to the ruminants , for the double reason that the horse will make poorer use of the hay than the steer or sheep will , and will be less easy of motion. Good horse feeders give but ten to twelve pounds of hay a day and feed once or twice daily. A colt is kept for his muscle ; hence , a fattening diet is out of date until matured and set , to work. For the horse , bran mixed with corn meal will serve to assist digestion , while , incidentally cident-ally , it will' make more valuable manure. One-half a pound of linseed " meal , where carrots "or some other roots or ensilage are not fed , will tend to keep the bowels open and secretion jood. For traveling horses there seems to be but little doubt that oats fire the best , although usually the most costly food. Horsemen agree that for a road-horse oats have no juDstitute. Great transportation com panies using horses make rather free use of corn. Most of them use some jjits. I should desire to give one feed i day of them and the rest of corn , ivith a little bran mixed with it on the score of economy. A trial of feeding irain before and after watering re- mlted in an advantage of importance , o the practice of watering before 'eeding. This matter I went over vith some care , and believe it invites i change of practice on the part of .hose . who feed grain before watering lorses. Grain mixed with hay for the lorso was more effective than when ( ither was fed alone. Honey Plants. Certainly planting for honey inci dentally pays the apiarist who has other farm work in connection with his bee-raising business. Haying and grain growing may well go together , and then one may plant for honey , and obtain hay as well. Planting honey plants , pure and simple , may not rea lize as much profit to the apiarist as planting such plants as are adapted to t > oth honey and hay. Chapman's honey plant , and others of like nature , may produce the best material for the bees , but alsike clover , buckwheat and sweet clover will answer all purposes. The apiarist can afford to go into [ arming to this extent. If he is busy In the fall with his bees it is not a very difficult matter to sell the hay crop standing , and this will more than pay lis interest on the land , labor and a surplus beside. Waste , cheap land can frequently be utilized for this pur- jose , alsike clover being so readily adapted to such soils that a catch can be obtained without much difficulty. The apiarist would do well then to bring such land up by planting it with clover , and not sell it off at a sacrifice , or allow it to remain uncultivated. The successful apiarist of the future will grow also largo crops of hay , in stead of devoting all his attention to honey-making. The Brood Sows. Disease of pigs can frequently be traced back to the brood sow. Food that may not affect the health of the sow very materially may be the means of killing the young suckling pigs , or at least of implanting into their sys tems germs waich in the course" time will develop and injure their health and consequent growth. Some times such diseases are communicated to the young from other causes. The brood sow is in such poor health that the suckling pigs soon make such a. heavy drain on her system that the milk becomes poor , weak an dun whole- dome. Lacking nourishment the suck lings never attain a strong , vigorous growth. Therefore , the sow should be well rounded up with good , healthy fjit before farrowing time , and this can be done only by a varied diet of nour ishing food. Corn is too heating for anything like ail exclusive diet for the brood sow , nd a great mistake is mad-i in adopt ing it Food that will not produce so much heat and fever must be fed to the sow , and this can bo done by giv ing bran , oats , shorts , and similar food. Corn can coino in for its share , for i < io its ( rood office to perform , and it ia greatly liked by the sows. I'll nip kin Seed * Injurious. Seeds of pumpkins , squash and other vegetables of this nature act powerfully - fully on the urinal organs and should be removed when fed to any kind o * stock. Cows giving milk are especial ly affected by them , and by increasing the urinary discharge the strength of the nnimal is so much exhausted that she cannot give the accustomed yield of milk. Mixed Horse Feed. It does not occur to many farmers that a mixture of grains makes a more satisfactory feed for all animals than any one alone. Good : w oats are they are improved by adding half as much rye to it and a little flaxseed and grinding all together. Those who buy feed for horses can easily feed a variety as one grain alone , and the so who grow their own grain feed could get a variety -with less trouble thail they think. Stock and Dairy Notes. To save feed by stinting animals at this season , is the act of a raiser who starves himself to death to save money to live upon. Don't use any hogs for breeding pur poses except those that show evidence in form , disposition and breed of incli nation to early maturity. Hogs are raised only for their flesh' , and the few er days it takes a pig to accumulate enough to be of any marketable size , the more profitable it is for its owner. A dairyman who thought his cow did not pay for her feed , put her in a stall and began Jfceding her for the butcher. Ho kept on milking her be cause he did not like to lose the little milk she gave. Very soon the cow im proved so much in milk that he gave her more feed , and in return she gave more milk , and so the cow kept on. until before she was fat enough to kill , she had made more butter than her meat would have been worth. There are a good many cows of this kind if the owners only knew of it The most useful dog , or the leist mischievous one for the farm , is the small fox terrier. It is as good as a cat for hunting vermin , , and if the usually abundant hiding places for rats , mice , skunks , "weasels , &c. , are not provided under the floors of the buildings , these creatures will never be seen where this active little dog is icept. And it never yet hurt a sheep. [ t is wakeful , watchful , kind and at tached to children , it will protect the garden and the orchard from rabbits Jnd woodchucks , and is not given to rove away from home. And these creed qualities combine all that is use- ul in a dog. Hints to Housekeepers. To obviate the shiny appearance oi silk , sponge with unsweetened gin. After greasing your cake tins , sift some flour into them , and your cake vill not stick. Always serve oysters in hot dishes. 2ook the oysters only until they curl , f conked too long they are indigest- ble. ble.To To banish red ants from the pantries , trew whole cloves around the shelves. ? ho same is also considered a good moth exterminator. When washing fine , white flannels , add a tablespoouful of pulverized borax o a pailful of water. This will keep hem soft and white. To remove spots on velvet , the trimming must be unpicked on one side , and put over hot water to steam ; then brush up the nap. Equal parts of ammonia and turpen tine will tike paint out of clothing , even if it be hard and dry. Saturate the spot as often as necessary , and wash , out in soapsuds. Bait your mice traps with pumpkin seeds , as the mice are very fond of them. Camphor is very objectionable to them , and if placed in drawers or' trunks the mice will keep away. Steel pens are destroyed by the acid in the ink. If an old nail or old steel pen is put in the ink , the acid therein will exhaust itself on them , and pens in daily use will remain in good con dition much longer. Careful housekeepers will find the ravelled threads from old linen the most satisfactory means of stopping tiny breaks in tablecloth or napkin , although linen floss from the draper's may be procured for this purpose. Lamp-burners , to give good light , should bo cleaned at least once a month. To clean them , take a piece of soda the size of a walnut , put it into a quart of soft water , place the lamp-burner in it , an old tomato can is good enough , and set it on the stove ; after boiling for five minutes , remove the burner , and , when put back on the lamp , it will be as good as new. Saved After Many Dangers. The latest Munchausen story was re lated by a boy who was begging in the streets of Plymouth the other day , says the Binghamton Mercury. He said ho was a cabin boy on board an American liner , and for some of his mischievous pranks was headed up in a water cask , with only the bunghole to breathe through. On the following night a squall came up ; the ship went ; down with all on board except himself , the cask containing him having rolled over into the sea on a sudden lurch of the vessel. Fortunately it kept "bung up , " and after thirty hours' floating about it was cnst on the coast where , after he had made desperate efforts to release himself , he gave himself up to 3ie. Some cows strolling along the beach were attracted to the cask , and in switching around it one of them iccidentally dipped her tail in the bunghole , which the boy grasped im mediately and kept held of with admir- ible resolution. The sow started off , ind after running about 300 yai * & the jask struck against a rock and was inocked to pieces. After wandering ibout for several days he hailed a ressel. wis taken on board and carried to Falmouth. * + .0 i i i i i i _ . _ _ Announces the arrival of his fall stock , comprising the LATEST and MOST FASH IONABLE GOODS of the season. His prices are lower than any tailor's in MeCbok. Don't fail to see his line. line.FARMERS FARMERS We are closing out our entire stock of FARM IMPLEMENTS AT COST. now is the time' to secure rare bargains. ' Call and be amazed at our prices. must be SOLD AT ONCE. HALL , GOCHRAN & GO. JACK DWYER'S COUNTY SEA i A 5c. CIGAR , Try this popular brand. It is one of the finest fjc. cigars * * ever placed on sale in McCook. JL. F. MOOHE. JNO. R. IIAKT. MOORE & HART , ATTORNEYS - : - AT - : - LAW , ( Office over Fasn : Glotbias 0 : . Stcre. ) MCCOOK. - - NEBRASKA. practice In the State nnd Federal Courts and before the U. S. Land Office. C. H. BOYLE , - : - LAND - : - ATTORNEY , - : - Six yearj experience in GoverntuOnt Land Cases. Real Estate , Loans and Insurance Notary Public. up stairs in the Scott Btilhlinc south of the Commercial Hotel. McCook , Neb J. BYRON JENNINGS , ATTORNEY- - LAW : Will practice in the State and United States courts , and before the U. S. Land Offices Careful attention given to collections. Olliei over the Nebraska Loan and Banking Co. McCook. HUGH. W. COLE , LAWYER , MCCOOK , NEBRASKA , Will practice in all courts. Commercial am Corporation law a specialty. MONEY TO LOAN. Rooms 4 and 5 First National Bank Building DR. A. P. WELLES , HOMEOPATHIC PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON MCCOOK , NEBRASKA. Ppecial attention given to diseases of Wo men and Children. The latest improved meth ods of Electricity used in all cases requiring such treatment. Office over McMillen's Druj , Store. Residence , North Main Street. B. B. DAVIS. M. D. C. H. JOKES. M. D DAVIS & JONES , PHYSICIANS & SURGEONS , MCCOOK , NEBRASKA. OFFICE HOURS : 9 to 11 a. m. : 2 to 5 p. m. ; 7 to 9 p. m. Rooms over First National Bank. THE COMMERCIAL HOTEL GEO. E. JOHNSTON , .PROP. , BlcCooic , - - NEBRASKA. This house lias been completely renovated nnd refurnished throughout and is first-class in every respect. Rates reasonable. ABSTRACTS OF TITLE TO LANDS AND TOWN LOTS IN RED WILLOW COUNTY FDEXISHED OX APPLICATION BY J. B. MATHER , BONDED - : - ABSTRACTED ( SUCCESSOR TO C. D. CRAMER. ) S37 Office in Court House with CountyCIerk. Down Town Office with A. J. Rand , Indianola , Nebraska. 2T , Prj. FIRST-CLASS WORK AND LOWEST PRICES. Family Washing Solicited. out ot town will } sent back at niy e jpeuse without delay. REVISED CATALOGUE OF , PaKI&tl snl fcr Silo tj THE McCOOK TRIBUNE , MCCOOK , NEBRASKA. These Blanks nre kept constantly revised by the most capable and cure Hi I men In tbo state and hence they are to be entirely relied upon Booksellers ana stationers supplied at a lib. oral discount. Jilanks of any kind not found In the follow- Injr list , will bo furnished according to copy. on short notice. , - , J35' ' In ordering it is only necessary to irive the number pretlxed to each blank. COUNTY CLERK. O. t " 1 Certificate of Election A" " " 2 Election Notice v " * " 3 Oflicial Bond < "v ' " ' 4 Oath of Office . . . . .A 5 Oath , Notice and Report of Special lioart Commissioner Q- 6 Commission to Locate Road and Report..G 7 Petition for License to sell Liquor. V 8 Bond for License to Sell Liquor p U Liquor License p 10 Road Overseer's Annual Settlement E 11 Voucher p 12 Certificate of Acknowledgement j 13 Certilicate of Ollicntl Character B 14 CcrtiHccte of Association \f \ 15 Affidavit for Bounty on Scaly jj" " 10 Certificate for Bounty on 5 V'ps . .B. 17 Homestead Exemption ixinda . . . . .IT 18 Homestead Exemption , l.ota , , T.F 19 Listing Acreage F ' 20 Report to Secretary ot State of Official1 Signature , etc = , . . . ' . 21 AbstractorElo-'lijn Returns E 22 Road Petition. . ' F 23 Notice to AupreJsers y 24 Appraiser's Oatn and Report F 23 Commisslocer's Appointment and Report G U. S. LAND OFFICE. 10CO Pre-emption Proof. Witness Claimant..D 1001 Homestead Proof , Witness Claimant JJ 1002 Pre-emption Proof. Affidavit required Pre-emption Claimant u 1003 Homestead Proof. Affidavit required ! Homestead Claimant n ' ' ' lOOt Affidavit required of Claimant . . . .U 1005 Pre-emption afid Homestead Affidavit.B 1006 Homestead Application " , " j { 1007 Homestead AUiduvit in two colors..C 100S Declaratory Statement "jj 109 ! ) Timber-Culture Certiticnte "u 1010 Timber-Culture Entry. Final Affidavit. ! ) ! 1011 Timber-Culture Proof . . .E 1012 Homestead Certificate B 1013 Homestead. Notice Final Proof U 1014 Notice for Publication 1015 Certificate as to Posting Notice B 101G Timber-Culture Affidavit B 1017 Affidavit Additional Homestead It 1018 Timber-Culture Application B 1019 Additional Homestead Aoplication B 1020 Cash Entry Certilicate B 1021 Notice of Application Pre-emption B 1022 Pre-emption Proof B 102IJ Notice of Timber-Culture B 1024 Notice of Contest F 1025 Affidavit of Contest Timber Claim C 1026 Affidavit of Contest Homestead o 1027 Non-Mineral Affidavit B 102S Timber-Culture Proof U 1029 Homestead , Pre-emption , and Commu tation Proof r U. n. CIRCUJT AND DISTRICT COURT. 1050 Bill of Foreclosure 1051 Answer It 10Ti2 Demurrer F 1053 Replication B 1054 Decree . . . . . .D 1053 Affidavit for Order F 105C Order F Deposition Envelopes B Sabpoana of U. S. Commissioner B subpoena of Examiner Complaint B iVarrant fotice to take Deposition F S'otice to take Deposition , de beno esee F- Notice of Oral Examination of Witness and Order F ' { ecognizance of Witness 3riBoner's Recognizance F itecogmzance to appear beforeCommission'rP tail liond Commitment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . T. S. Commissioner's CertiUcate of Atten- danceof Witness J. S. Commissioner's Certificate of Atten dance of Witness F rranscriut of Proceedings I Above is Only a Partial List. Do You Read The McCook Tribune ? fUlthe News for ยง 1.5 O