Quick Wit.
Lang says of Americana
that they are " 'Almost too fr'ood
company , " and that Their enlivening
effect upon the "dejeeted Britons"
with whom they are thrown is oten (
Very startling. Evcm amongst our
inosD animated countrymen , how.
ever , converse bion is not niade such
a distinct art as it was with theEng-
'lish wits a century ago.
Few people nowadays make them-
Beljcs masters of repartee , and when
a man does practice turns and quips
of speech wo are likx-ly to listen tohis
utterances. One such professional
talker was reproaching a 3ounglndy
at a party because , as he declared ,
she had promised to go out to sup
per with him rather than with the
gentleman who v/as actually at her
side.
JVery well , " said he tragically. " 1
say no more now , but alter supper
Mr. A and I nha.ll meet for mortal
combat. "
"Now you're silly/ ' said the pout
ing beauty.
"No , I'm not silly ; I'm Scylla"was
the quick reply. "And Mr.A
is Charybdis. Take your choicel"
On the same night , just as he was
leaving the house and preparing to
step into his cab. another friend also
omerged.
"Hallo , J. , " said the latter , " ]
didn't know you were round. "
"Yes , " was the answer , "I'm round ,
and now I'm going to roll home. "
Writing a Famous Poem.
The poem of "Curfew Must Not
.Ring To-night" was suggested to me
by the reading of a story called "Love
and Loyalty , " in April , 1867. I wag
then a plain country school girl , not
yet 17 , residing with my parents at
Litchfield , Mich. , and under the pre
text of working out mathematical ,
problems , with my arithmatic befon
me , I wrote the poeiv roughly on mj
slate. I was forced to carry on m\
literary work under these difficulties
because of the opinion of my parents
that my time could be better em
ployed than in "idle dreams and use
less rhymes. "
I wrote the first copy on my slate ,
between 4 and 6 o'clock in the after
noon ; but much time has since been
spent in congesting and revising it.
I had no thought that I would ever
be able to write anything worthy 01
public notice. The poem was first
published in The Detroit Commercia' '
Advertiser in the fall of 1870. The
editor upon receipt of mymanuscripl
at once wrote me a lengthy letter o
congratulation and praise. Rose
Hartwick Thorpe.
An Unostentatious Man.
One of the most unostentatious
men of whom there is any record ,
written or unwritten , died lately.
He was on his deathbed , surrounded
by sorrowing friends and relatives ,
in a. voice weakened by disease , yel
fraught with deep earnestness , lu
said :
"I know you are all quite fond o-
me and sorry to see me < ro , which is
very satisfactory at this time. When
I am stowed away for good and all.
you will probably place atombstone
or monument to mark the spot
where I am buried. Don't let it be
gaudy or expensive ; just- something
plain , Above all don't allow any
thing fulsome chiseled on the stone.
In short , let there be no flighty lit
erature. Just put on it ray name
and the letters S. Y. L. ' See you
later. ' "
Having received satisfactory
promises that his wishes should be
obej'ed to the letter even the three
letters this unostentatious man
turned his lace to the wall and mod
estly died.
The Unprogressive Barber.
One of the preplexing problems o
life , to the man who cannot handle
razor upon his own face , is the un.
reasonable and aggravating habil
which the average barber has of rub ,
bing soap into his victim's chin un
til the skin is in a state of irritation
and the bone aches with the pressure
of muscular fingers. The bnrbei
eayp that the process renders tlu
the hair soft , but atthispointscieiia
takes the issue with him , and says
that the skin alone is afieeted. Tlu
victim groans , changes barbers in
vain , and finally settles down to the
conviction that he must endure this
barbarous massage or let his beard
grow. The process seems to be a
mere tradition , a sort of trade fetich
and no amount of persuasion will in
duce the operator to exchange his j
harsh fingers for the more gentle
brush , unless the victims form an as
sociation for the protection of the
chin or the amelioration of its suffer-
Afraid to Pray ,
The New Minister " Do you meim
to say , madam , that you fe.-w to
I pray ? "
Old Lady " ' Yes , I know the pray
ers will be answered , of course , bu *
they're not answered with discrimi
nation. For years and years m\
husband had to get up before day
light in order to reach his work or
time ; and the long , nlow rides in
street curs were injuring his health.
Well , I prayed"tlmt he'might l o re
lieved of this great trouble and dan
ger nnd , in six months , a great , bijr ,
uHy elevated railroad was run up
our street and ] haven't seen a ray
of Bmishhi" sni' ' . " Li .
* *
. At the Truth Tellers' ;
When I was in. Maryland some
years ago I stoppe'd at an old fash
ioned inn up near Cumberland. You
will perhaps recollect that in the sum.
mer of 1882 we had some horrible
I thunder storms. Have I ever told
any of you this story before ? No ?
Well , I put up at ihis inn one very
sultry day in August , just as the sun
was setting.
Shortly after we had retired a
storm came up. The rain fell in tor
rents down the hillside , rushing like
mountain lakes let loose , and then
came the lightning and the thunder.
At the first clap I sprang from my
bed toward the window. The next
flash revealed to me a grand old
chestnut tree , rocked by the winds ,
dripping with rain , and groaning
and shrieking in terror of the storm.
Then a crash.
When I came to they told me that
the old chestnut had been struck ,
and that I had been stunned.
I went down to see the old
chestnut. Many of its charred
limbs had been broken off and thrown
to the ground. I made a startling
discovery. It seems- that in the old
chestnutrnany birds build their nests.
The nests were all to be found scatter
ed about in the grass. There were
eggs in many of them. One of the
nests was half filled with rain water ,
and in it were an English sparrow's
three eggs. I picked up one of them
and broke it. It had been boiled
hard.
Near by I found another egg. It
had been blown out of a nest , and in
falling through the rain water had
broken and the lightning had poach
ed it. Not six inches away lay a
mother bird , roasted- a turn , and
in her mouth a bit of bread , toasted
by the heat of the lightning. The
next morning when I took my cold
bath I found on my chest a perfect
picture of the old chestnut tree , of
the boiling eggs , of the poached egjr
and of the roast bird with the bit of
bread , from which I could even make
out the smoke and smell the bread
toasting and eggs cooking. New
York Sun.
How Trees Have Sense. !
Oliver Wendell Holmes is always
giving a peculiar turn to things , and
his latest twist is on a tree , which he
calls "a great underground creature
with its tail in the air. " i
Here is what he savs about it in
"
The Atlantic Monthly : I
' 'Yes , a tree is an underground
creature , with its tail in the air. All
its intelligence is in its roots. All
the senses it has are in its roots.
Think what sagacity it shoAvs in its
search after food anil drink ! Some
how or other , the rootlets , which are
its tentacles , find out that there is a l
brook at a moderate distance from
the trunk of the tree , and they make
for it with all their might. They
find every crack in the rocks where
there are a few grains of the nourish
ing substance they care for , and insinuate - j I
sinuate themselves into its deepest
recesses. When spring and summer
come , they let their tails grow , and j j
delight in whisking them about in
the wind , or letting them be whisked
about by it ; for these tails are poor
passive things , with very little will
of their own , and bend in whatever
direction the wind chooses to make
them. The leaves make a deal of
noise whispering. I have sometimes
thought I could understand them , '
as they talked with each other , and {
that they seemed to think they made '
the wind as they wagged forward '
and back. Remember what I say. j
The next time you see a tree waving '
in the wind , recollect that it is the '
tail of a great underground , many '
armed , polypus-like creature , which
is as proud of its caudal appendage , i
especially in summer time , as a pea
cock of hisgorgeous expanse ofplum-
age.
age."Do you think there is anything
so very odd about this idea ? Once
get it well into our heads , and you
will find it rendersthelandscape won
derfully interesting. There are as
many kinds of tree tails as thure are
of tails to dogs and other quadru
peds. Study'thom as Daddy Gilpin
studied them in his 'Forest Scenery. '
but don't forget that they are only
the appendage of the underground
vegetable polypus , the true organ
ism to which they belong. "
Just Married.
Tricks on young married couples
are sometimes quite annoj'ing , and
often both droll and harmless. A re
cently wedded pair in Spriugfield
were the victims of a practical joker.
He had procured a large number of
printed labels about six inches-long
and two inches wide , with the words
'Just Married. " and pasted them se
curely on the trunks , handbags , etc. ,
of the happy pair. The joke was not
discovered till the party were ready
to start on their wedding tour , and
it was too late to remove the labels.
The bridegroom carried his handbag
labeled "Just Married" without any
attempt at concealment.
Combinations in Dominoes.
Dr. Bein. a Frankfort ( Germany )
mathematician calculates that two
persons playing dominoes ten hours
a day and making four moves a min
ute could continue 118,000,000
without exhausting all the conbina-
tions of the game , the total number
of which is 248,528,211,840 ! Fig
ures never lie , lint they some times
tax our credulity to its utmost ca-
pncinSt.Louifi Republic.
I A RATTLER IN BED. .
Jim C nley Thought It Was an Ice
berg Against His Back.
I ' 'Talking about rattlesnakes , " said
Jim Conley , as he perused the interest
ing snake department of the Globe-
Democrat , while sitting in a crowd of
men occupying the outside chairs at
McPherson's corner across the way , a
few days ago , "I was an eye-witness
and an unwilling participant in one
of the bloodiest encounters with a
rattlesnake recorded in the history
of Utah territory. "
"Well , what are you waiting for ?
Why don't you go on ? " asked the
correspondent of the Globe-Demo
crat at Hillboro , N. M ,
"Match , please. "
j "Certainly. "
I Alter Conley had lit his cigar he
continued :
"While traveling in that country
between Ogden and Salt Lake City
with another man a good many
years ago we got 'busted' and had
to go to work at anything we could
get to do. We got a contract from
a Mormon settler on the road to cut
and haul from the mountains 300
cords of wood. He furnished every
thing and gave us so much for the
job. The camp at which he set us
down was six miles away , in the
foothills of the range , near where
there were a lot of campers cutting
and hauling railroad ties to the val
ley for tlfe Union Pacific railroad.
We camped in the yard of a manand
his wife , got water out of the same
spring , and finally became very well
acquainted with them , and indeed
they proved to be mighty fine pee
ple. Well , next morning after our
arrival at the camp. Bill and I went
to work chopping down trees and
cutting them into four-foot lengths
ready to haul. Things went on ad
mirably , and we were doing nicely ,
when we took a notion one morning
to go down to tha ranch and spend
the day with our employer and his
I family. During the day we had par-
j taken liberally of the hospitalities at
{ the ranchman's house , and became
somewhat ' 1'uddled , ' but not overly
so , and returned home in good shape.
Wo both felt tired from our walk ,
and retired to bed about 0 o'clock.
I had been asleep , I don't know how
long , when I awoke feeling a coldness
at my back that was not in keeping
with the weather , for it was summer ,
'
.and though the days were extremely
hot the nights were cool , but not to
the extent of the cold sensation at
my back. I begnn to pull at the
wagon sheets with which we were
covered , and waked my partner up.
Turning over. Bill in an angry tone ,
asked :
I ' "What's the matter ? Got
snakes ? '
" 'No , ' I replied , 'but 1 am as cold
as Iceland itself , and want some
more cover or I will vacate this bed
and build a fire. '
" 'Go to sleep and you'll be all
right. ' said Bill , and he turned over
for a comfortable snooze.
"But 1 could not go to sleep for
that feeling of coldness over behind
me , and at last I determined to in
vestigate the cause of it. Reaching
behind me with my right hand with
out turning over , I began to feel
around , for it felt exactly like an ice
berg lying up against me , and my
hand soon found its way under and
through the folds of the beddingand
brought up against something which
did not feel natural by any means ,
and , for the first time , the idea of a
snake beinir in bed with me entered
my mind. I cautiously withdrew my
hand and arm , moved toward Bill ,
and let the cover drop down between
me and the object I had felt , and j
crawled out over my bed-fellow's j
body and from under the cover from
the opposite side and left Bill snoozing - '
ing away. I then called to him to ,
get up and help me to see what it was , i
in the meantime finding a candle and i
lighting it. With much grumbling
Bill arose from under the cover mid
began helping me search for the mys
tery. Turning the cover down , there
lay , in a comfortable coil , one of the |
biggest rattlesnakes ever seen in
Mormondom. "
" 'Another match , please. '
"Yes. "
"Well , sir , the serpent didn't move ,
but lay as quietly as the coil of a
steamboat cable. Ourconfusiouand
noise had awakened the man and his
wife in the next tent , and they both
leaped out of bed and came rushing
in to see what was the matter , for
there were Indians about , and the
woman was ready for a scare at any
time.
"There lay the rattler , apparently
as sound asleep as was Bill a few
minutes before. Rushing to the
woodyard I soon returned with an
ax , and told the crowd to stand
back and give me room. Everything
being clear , 1 raised the ax above my
head and came down on the coil of
the snake with a powerful blow.
"Well , men , that reptile fell into a
dozen pieces , coiled tightly as he was
for when T came down with the sharp
blade of : he ax upon it had went
through him a number of times. It
would surprise you to know how
much blood a rattlesnake contains.
Why , the blood squirted from the
ends of all the pieces like a floor
sprinkler , thoroughly saturating
everything that we could not. take
out of the way. After the-excirment
had somewhat subsided we shoveled
the pieces out'in the yard , and next
morning , placing them as closely to
gether as possible , that snake meas
ured 9 feet and 3 inches in length
31-2 inches across the top oMiis
head. From the end of his tail we
n r r rr ' * ; gr rv .
.
pulled a string of thirty-two rattles'
and a 'button/ representing 32 years
and some months in age. "
"What ever became of the rat
tles ? " asked a listener.
"I was just < rein : to tell you. Bill'
and I worked on and completed our
job without further mishap , and
made a good tiling out of our con
tract , when we went on to Salt Lake
City , where we sold the rattles to a
museum , which afterward , we learn
ed , disposed of them to an Italian
peddler , who took them to Italy. "
A Practical Joke.
Three brother officers were travel
ing from Umritsir to Lahore , where
they had been playing polo during
the afternoon. One of them , tired
after the srame. fell asleep on one of
the seats. His railway ticket , which
was sticking a little out of his pock
et , was promptly annexed by one of
the others and transferred to his own
pocket. When nearing Lahore his
brother officers awoke the sleeping
youth , saying :
' Now , then , old man ! Get up !
Here we are ! "
It was still broad daylight and for
some reason or other the train was
pulled up some little'way outside the
station.
"All tickets ready , please ! " shouted
the ticket collector.
Two of our friends prumptlyfound
theirs , ready for the ticket collector
when he should makehisappearance.
The third searched his pockets but
could find no ticket.
"Good gracious ! where is my tick
et ! " he said ; "I know I had one
right enough when I started ; you
fellows saw me get it , didn't you ? "
be aske a.
"Yes , you had it right enough , "
they said ; "where on earth can you
have put it ? "
"I don't know , " he replied in des
peration.
"You'll pay the fair , " said the
others , consolingly ; "it'snotmuch. "
"But I haven't a cent with me , "
he returned ; ' 'will you fellows lend
me some dibs ? "
Both said they were as high and
dry as he was in regard to money.
"Tickets , please ! " said the collec
tor at last quite close to the car
riage.
"What the Dickens shall I do ? "
said the ticketless one.
"Oh ! get under the seat , " said the
others ; "quick ! quick ! man ! here he
comes. "
Under the seat like a shot went the
man without a ticket ! When the
ticket collector came to the door
three tickets were handed up.
"You have given me three tickets , '
sir , he said ; "but I see only two gen
tlemen ; where is the third ? "
"Oh ! he's under the seat , " they
said with the greatest nonchalance ,
as if it were an ordinary every-day
affair.
| "Under the seat ! " echoed the ticket
! collector , in atone of surprise , "what
is he doing under there ? "
"Oh ! he always travels under the
seat , " they said , "he prefers it ! "
London Tid-Bits.
An Old Time Congressman.
Kansas City Star.
Forty years ago or more Illinois1
representative in Congress was an
uncouth , illiterate man nametl Rey
nolds. He was possessed of a deal
of common sense , much natural
shrewdness , and an inexhaustible
fund , of comic humor. Out in Illinois
he filled the gubernatorial chair , and
other positions of eminence in the
gift of the state , and was apparently
very popular with his constituents.
Illinois was then a frontier state ,
with a very small population , and
without refinement or culture of any
kind. Reynolds was fond of hear
ing himself talk , and didn't mind
a bit whether or not he was guyed ,
and didn't care whether the house was
laughing with him or at him. His
conversation like his appearance and
manners , was tinged with all the
oddities and quaintness of a back
woodsman. Soon after he came to
Congress he paid a visit to Balti
more , and was amazed at the size of
the city , and the crowd of people
drove him wild. Passing down
Pratb Street to the river he saw the
Patapsco River at high water , and
six hours later saw it when it was at
low water. This rather puzzled him ;
so , several hours later , he paid an
other visit to the river , and found
the tide coining in again. This was
too much for Reynolds , who exclaim
ed : "Goosh , if this don't beat all my
calkerlations two freshets in one
day and nary a sign of rain ! "
She Wanted a Prescription.
One of our Belfast girls has gotten
the idea into her head that she would
like to be married. She broached the
matter to her father and he prompt
ly thrashed her. The next thing she
did was to start out to find a lawyer
and get his assistance in the matter.
But by mistake she got into a doc
tor's "office , and thinking him an
analyzer of the law unburdened her
troubles to him. The doctor , think
ing her a patient , for-some time list
ened to her tale of woe.
Finally the truth dawned upon him
that it was a lawyer she wanted , and
he told her of her mistake. Then she
lighted on him with her tongue , and
said he had deceived her and drawn
her whole story maliciously , and that
she would not only have a lawyer to
assist her to get married , but to
send the doctor to prison , and with
all the scorn of her sex she swept out
of the office. But it is snfeto say
she will be married by and by. Bel
fast ( Me. ) Age.
* < > / * , ; ,
1 A 'Russian Romance. * '
The Russians are a simple , harm
less people. When not engaged in
blowing each other into the nir with
home-made dynamite , -they confine ,
themselves to home-made jam and
rural recreation. At Odessa , for
example , the son of a small
landowner attempted to marry the
daughter of a neighbor. Ail went
well ; the wedding guests were as-
seriibled , and the wedding feast was
spread. Suddenly it occurred to
someone that , in view of the prevailing -
ing irritability of domestic politics ,
considerable uncertainty naturally
attended the gathering together of
any number of persons. If the po
lice chose to consider that tliev were
not wedding guests , and that they
were Tiihilists , there would be an end
of the entertainment. To make se
curity secure , therefore , it was pro
posed to eat the wedding breakfast
at once , and to go on to the wedding
afterwards. The thing was done ,
the toasts were drunk , and the party
proceeded to church. Everybody
was very jolly and a little hazy.
Presently the bridegroom was found
to be absent. After a time not only
the bride but the entire party ffot
impatient ; and at this critical junc
ture a total stranger presented him
self , and expressed in courteous terms
the pleasure it would give him to
facilitate matters by marrying the
bride. Nothing could have been in
better taste , or more agreeable.
Promptly the ceremony was pro
ceeded with , and it was not until the
bridal party emerged into'the open
air that the bridegroom was en
countered. He was full of protesta
tions and apologies , but as the bride
merely remarked that the "other
one" was "handsome and well-dress
ed , " it was altogether unnecessary
to make such a fuss. Everybody
then returned to the feast , strong h *
the consciousness that abridegrocw
who could not take the trouble tobi-
in time for his own wedding was nr
loss as a husband.
Portugal's Female Bull Fight
er.
A Gorman girl , Fraulein Johanno
Maestrick , is just now the heroine of
the hour at Lisbon. She was born
near Berlin , but when a child went
with her parents to Portugal. When
she was 17 an impresario , struck
with her size and beauty , offered to
train her as a female bull fighter.
The agei'.t sent his pupil , who is not
yet 20 , to compete at the show of
female beauty which took place
at Lisbon , where she carried
off the firstprize. Tiio advertisement
proved an excellent one , for ever
since the impresario has been bom-
bar'led with letters from persons of
all classes wishing to know when the
beautiful "torero , " is to make her
debut.
She has not yet appeared in an
arena , but recently she came out in
a trial fight at Oporto. A huge
crowd collected to see the unusual
si < rht. The young woman quickly
laid two bulls in the sand and rode
off followed by a band of music ,
amid thunders of applause. Crowds
of people collected before the windows
dews of the hotel at which the
"torera" was staying , and far into
the night she was obliged to appear
on the balcony in response to their
calls for her.
Concerning the Old Lady.
"Jrdging from the flavor of this
milk , I should say it was of the vint
age of 57G , " remarked a Harlem
girl who enjoys the distinction of
beinjr what is known as a sweet girl ,
graduate.
' 'You may knowagood deal , Sarah ,
but you have neglected to learn that
milk doesn't belong to vintage.
Vintage refers to something that is
taken from the vine. "
"Why , mother , " returned the jrirl ,
"didu't you know that milk was
taken from a vine ? "
" 1 didnt know anything cf the
kind , " said the mother.
"But it's true , " insisted Sarah.
"Oh , nonsense ! " interjected mater-
tamilias , "what vine ? "
"Bovine. " replied the girl , and the
old lady was so flustered that she
put put pepper on her. Charlotte
Russe.
Rubber Between the Soles.
The use of a single layer of pure
rubber gum between the layers of
leather that form the sole of the
walking shoe is an innovation of
shoemakers. Rubber used in this
way does not heat the foot nor cause
it to perspire as a rubber overshoe
does. It protects the foot from
dampness almost s completely as a
slip rubber. The latter recalls the
storv of the maid who was sent to
her lady's room for a pair of rubbers
and who returned with a blank face
and the remark , "Faith , I saw three
or four pair hanging , but the heels
was out of aich one of them and I
was sure yez wouldn't wear such as
these. " She had never seen a scandal
before. New York Tribune.
A Lifetime of Benevolence.
Elizabeth Comstock , the quaker
preacher , now aged and infirm , liv
ing at Union Springs , N. Y. , has in her
lifetime visited 122,000 prisoners ,
195,000 sick and wounded soldiers ,
85,000 inmates of poorhouses and
almshouses , on both sides of the wa
ter. For thirty years she toiled in
field , and duringthe last years of her
active life was one of the most be
loved members of the W. 0. T. U.
Orleans Picayune.
* " * 4 * a 1 f I
. , ' MEMORY OF COLtmiU3. |
. I
A/Descrlptlun of tlm Momimontto Be
Erected In NOMT York City.
In the month of February , 1889. a
movement was set on foot by / / Pro
grssso ltulo-Ame.ricano to wect on tin
fourth centenary of the discovery of
America a monument , to Christopher
Columbus , giving it to the city of.Now
York. A .subscription was issued and a
"
fund of § 5,000 has "been accumulated , to
gether with objects of every kind and
description , to bo disposed of at a fair
which will shortly be la-Id , and by which
the committee hopes greatly to augment
the fund.
The monument will bo constructed in
Italy by the famous sculptor Gaetano
Kusso , whose design was selected and
approved by a committee nominated by
thcltalian government. This committee
was composed of some or the mot emi
nent sculptors , painters , and architects
of the country. It included Cesaru Mac-
cari , who painted the walls and ceilings
of the senate house ; Cesare Mnrinni , di
rector of the San Luca Academy in
Rome ; Filippo Prosper ! . the prince of
European engravers ; Giulio Monteverde ,
sculptor of the btatuo , "Genius of Franklin -
lin ; " Giuseppe Sncconi , sculptor of the
j Victor Emanuel monument ; Guglielmo
Calderinia , architect ; Emilio Gallon ,
fculptor , and Ettore Ferrari , sculptor of
the Giordano Bruno monument atRome.
The monument will bo 73 feet in
height. The btatue of Columbus in the
costume of an admiral will be executed
in Carrara marble. The column will be
made of granite in the form of the
ancient Roman beaked columns , and
from it will project representations of
the poops and prows of the three vessels
which accompanied Columbus ox his
voyage of discovery. The anterior portion
tion of the pedestal will contain a group
representing the "GenitH of Columbus , "
his hand resting on a globe of the world ,
which he is earnestly studying , and on
which he is endeavoring to divine the
position of the new continent. On the
posterior portion \ \ ill be a representation
in bronze of an immense eagle , the coat
of arms of America nnd of Genoa , the
birthplace of Columbus. The sides of
the pedestal will be decorated \\itlt bus
reliefs representing facts in the life of
the great navigator. Tlie design of this
monument has been judged one of the
most beautiful yet produced , and it will
doubtless be the greatest and most
artistic of its kind existing in Now
York.
_ _
.IZ IM-OPIE.
Teacher Bobby , what does lazy rnonn\
Bobby Lazy means always to u ant your
little sister to get it for you. [ Puck.
Teacher Tommy , do you know what
a Nemesis is ? Tommy YesMim.
Teacher Well , what is it ? Tommy A
Jonah. [ Harper's Bazar.
First Boy I saw a dead dog down on
Fifth avenueyist'd'y. Second Boy Huh !
I saw * im 'fore ever you did I helped
kill 'im. [ White-side Herald.
Servant Girl What are you up to ,
Johnny ? Johnny Up to the preserves
on the top shelf. Don't say nuthin' , or
the old woman will be up to me.
[ Epoch.
Anxious Mother Don't you know that
George Washington never , never told a
lie ? Sinful Boy 3Iiybj his mother
didn't care how much cakes and jam he
took , and be wasn't fraid to tell her.
[ N. Y. Weekly.
Little Ethel went to church with her
grandmother , and for the first time put
10 cents in the contribution plate. Lean
ing over she whispered very audibly ,
"That's all right , grandma , I paid for
f , _ rr : . - . .
L \s 1 t * Uv.p * j.
"To-day , Hans , your dear papa is com
ing back from his journey , and he will
bring you some oranges. So you are
going to be very good all day , aieii't
you ? " "I doii't know , mamma. Are
the oranges very big ? FFliegeude Blat
ter.
Teacher Did Columbus know that ne
had discovered a new continent ? Class
No , he thought it was India. Teacher
Correct. Why did he think he had found
India ? Bright Boy I s'pose it was 'catiso
the inhabitants was Indians. [ N. Y.
Weekly
"John , Charles. William , ' ' cried thr
boy's mother , "where are those peachef
I left here ? " "In our midst , " returned
the boys : and when the doctor called
that night the mother knew that her lit
tle darlings had spoken truthfully as
well as with a grammatical accuracy
that is not universal.
Complete Information. "Mamma ,
what's twins ! " asked the smallest child.
"I know , ' ' replied the older one , before
the mother could answer. "Twins is
two babies just the same age ; three
babies are triplets ; four are quadrupeds ,
and five are centipedes. " [ N. Y. Sun.
Mabel's Hard Task. A Portland family
had company one day , and little Mabel
was helping her mother in preparing
supper. Her mother told her privately
to spread the cloth on the table and l.e
sure and have the neatest part at the
lady visitor's side. After endeavoring to
do as near as she was requested , she ex
claimed : "Only think , mamma wan ed
me to give you the cleanest part of the
table cloth , and 1 can't fin.l any clean part
Jo it. " [ Lcwistou Jonrral.
A little bov , who is uotHng if not dili-
geat in the study of history , was one day
reciting fluently on the subject ot "The
Battle of Bunker Hill. " He had it by
heart. The little voice piped 1 i' li as ho
described how "the patriot ranks lay
quietly behind their earthworks until
the redcoats uere within ten n-d < . when
Prescott shouted 'Fhe ! * A blaze of
light shot from the redoubt , and whole
pantaloons of the Brici.sh ft11. . The sur
vivors " But there was no chance to
dispose of the survivors. A shout went
up from the class. After all "platoons"
looked much like "pantaloons. " [ Har
per's Bazar.
s the Show.
"Where's that living skeleton ? " asked
the gentleman from Philadelphia.
"Well , the fact is. " said the showman
confidentially , "he fell into the slot of
that weighing machine this morning ,
and we haven't get him out yet If
you'll come back to-morrow night I
guess you can see him. "