The McCook tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 1886-1936, August 22, 1890, Image 7
"Ilaik Too Pflnch. " Anwi Convulsed by th Sharp /Repartee of a Proverbially Ellen1 "Man. "Judiro" Bacon of thalloek Island one ot the best known and most pop ular railroad men in the West , and who is known here at his homo nt a man of few words , was oneol a merry party of six at a famous public re sort the other evening. The Judge sipped his wine in silence and listened patiently , and at times with appar ent pleasure , to the witticisms of his companions. In the party wasa Chicago cage man , who , after he had partak en of a few glasses of wine , prow more Minn merry , though not quite boisterous , and monopolized the en tire time with the recital ot a lot of stale chestnuts. * After an hour or more of almost ceaseless babble the Chicago chestnut repository slapped Judge Bacon on the baclc and vocif erated : ' Why don't you say something , old fel ? Wake up and tell us a story. ' ' Here was the Judge's opportunity , and he improved it. "On an occasion of this kind , and under similar circumstances. " ho said gravely , "I am always reminded of the poll parrot thatsat on a perch in front of a bird fancier's. Thepar- rot was a , very bright bird , but often kept up his chatter so long as to make it irksome to his hearers. One day , as the parrot sat nodding on his perch , a couple of cur dogs look ed neither to the right nor to the left , but straight ahead , until sud denly the parrot fairly iiissed ; 'Sick 'em. ' "Then the dogs turned and calmly surve3'ed each other. They were about to trot off in opposite direc tions when the parrot " again shouted : " 'Sick'em. " "This was too much /or the dogs , " continued the Judge , "and they turn ed and grappled. They fought for several minutes , to the great glee ot the parrot , which has caused the trouble. Finally the curs seemed to be satisfied , let go of each other's ears and started in opposite direct ions again , when the parrot yelled : " ' ' ' 'Sick 'em. "The two dogs caught sight of the parrot at once. They seamed to form a mutual alliance ior offense , if not defense , and they pulled that parrot off his perch and trounced him roundly , concluding by rolling him in the muddy gutter. When the dogs letup on him the parrot hopped back on his perch , sadly the worse for the encounter. He scratched the mud out of his eyes , smoothed his ruffled feathers as best he could , and then slowly ejaculated : " 'Well , I'll be d-d. I guess I talk to much. ' "From that day on , " concluded the Judge , "the parrot never spoke. " Those who had listened to Judge Bacon's parrot story burst out with a roar of laughter. The Chicago man. who had been talking incessant ly for hours , "saw the point , " and , like the parrot , was silent lor the re mainder of the evening , Cincinnati Enquirer. An American in London. There is a wide difference between the London drug store and ours- There is no such craze for patent medicines there as here , nothing like the American inclination for every man to be his own doctor. An En glish druggist sells face powder , sologne , soap , tooth-brashes , patent pills , and the like , but his main busi _ nessis putting up prescriptions. He has no clientele of men who drop in for a little aromatic spirits of ammonia afteranightofdissipation , for acid phosphate after too much smoking , or for tincture of iron and so many grains of quinine , or a glass of Calisaya fora tonic , or a teaspoonful - spoonful of bicarbonate of soda to offset too hearty or rich a meal. All that which so enriches our druggists is unknown in England. The Amer icans in London last summer found this out to their cost. One of them told me that he had this queer ex perience. He asked a druggist for a draught of iron 'and quinine. "Oh , we can't give you that with out a prescription , you know , " the man replied. The American persisted , but the druggist was firm. "Well , can you give me an ounce of tincture of iron ? " "Yes , sir. " "And two , two-grain quinine pills ? " "Yes , sir. " "Will you lend me a tumbler with a little water in it ? " "Yes , sir. " Having all these things , the Amer ican dropped a dozen drops of iron in the water , and took that and the pellets down with a gulp. The druggist looked on with keen inter est , and then said , very gravely : "Do you know , I call that very neat. It is very neat indeed. " I had an experience , all my own , in Lock & Go's hat store in St. James Street. The aged proprietor dis plays ancient helmets and caps in his window which is kept scrupulous ly dusty. Noting this , I said , "this mns.t be a very old store indeed. " "Store ? " said the man. "It's no store at all ; it's a shop , sir. I call a store a place for the sale of a miscel laneous lot of goods ; but this is a mop , sir. You "ought to be more . areful in your use of terms. " If that was rudeness and I do not enow how great he considered hig jrovocation it wastheonlv rude- I xyerienced from any shop keeper. Hut 1 learned from that in * cident not to say store. And before ' fore I left London'I had swelled my index expurgatorium to the extent that I seldom used the following words : Guess ; yes , sir ; glass ( for tumbler ) ; railroad ; horse-car ; cents ; fix ; store ; or pad of paper. ' 'Block of paper , " they said , when I at last got them to understand that I want ed a pad. "Guess" and "fix" are pure Americans , and are to bo used or not as you want to attract curi ous attention or avoid it ; but the most difficult thing for many Amer icans in England was to avoid ' 'sir" to a stranger who addressed them or to an old gentleman. "Yes , sir , " and "no sir , " over there are the ver- balinsignia of a servant. Harper's Weekly. A Stranger's Bluff. There were a dozen of us in a smoking car on the Lake Erie and Western during the closing daj's of the last presidential campaign , and of course we compared notes. "Gentlemen , " said a New Jersey banker , "I'll bet § 20,000 on Harri son. " "llight now ? " asked a man who came forward all ofa sudden , having an old carpetbag in his hand. "Y yes. sir. " "P. y. w. , which means produce your wad , " said the stranger , and opening his carpetbag he took out a roll of bills as big as your leg. "That is , I will bet § 20,000 that he gets the popular vote , " stammer ed the banker. "C. d. w. t. r. , which means come down with the rhino , " replied the stranger as he fished for his boodle again , "I I haven't gotS20,000 with me , but I'll I'll see you later. " "Exactly. Any of the rest of j'ou gentlemen anything to say ? " "I bank on Cleveland , " remarked one. "H. m. d. y. b. , which means how much do 3'ou bank ? " asked the stranger , as he waved his wad on high. "Oh , I don't care to bet. " "Does any one else ? " No one did , and he took up his carpetbag and retreated into the next car. I found him there an hour later , and asked : "Were you betting or bluffing ? " "Here's the roll and you can judge for yourself , " he replied , as he took it out. I'm telling you straight when I say he had $23 in bills wrapped around an old piece of canvas not a dollar more. " 1 hain't got no aristocratic blood in me , " he said , as he put the roll away again , "and I hain't purty nor smart. For these reasons I criner- ally travel with an effset , which the same is this , 'C. a. s. m. , ' which means come and see me with any thing in the shape of a bet. " Nevr York Sun. What Whales Eat. The surface waters in the Gult Stream teem with minute life of all kinds. There the young of larger animals exist , microscopic in size and adult animals , which nevprgrow large enough to be plainly visible to the naked eye , occur in immense quantities. By dragging a fine silk net behind the vessel , these minute forms are easily taken ; and , when placed in glass dishes , millions un counted are swimming backward and forward. When looked at through a microscope we see young jellyfishes - fishes , the young of barnacles , crabs and shrimps , besides the adult mi croscopic specieswhich are very a bun- daut. The toothless whale finds in these his only food. Rushing through the water- with mouth wide open , by means of his whalebone strainers the minute forms are sep arated from the water. Swallowing those obtained after a short period of straining he repeats the operation. The abundance of this kind oflifecan be judged from the fact that nearly all kinds of whale exist exclusively upon these animals , most of them so small that they are not noticed on the surfae. Popular Science Monthly ly- Chicago Street Scene. Peter Lynch was awarded a ver dict for § 485 in his suit before Judge McConnell against the Chicago lum ber company for § 1,500. Lynch has an extensive cabbage patch near the corner of Ashland avenue and Thirty- fifth otreet. Immediately north is the lumber company's planing mill. He claims that in the Hummer of 1883 the defendants heaped a huge pile of shavings behind their mill , and the wind distributed them over his cabbages. The crop of 1883 was buried out ofsight and ruined , while , Lynch says , the ground was so pois oned by the shavings that it was un productive all the following year. Chicago Times. Caught Up by the Locomotive Pilot. Judge Sterling Watts , one of the most prominent citizens of Tazeweli county , Va. , had a most miraculous escape from a terrible death a few i days ago. He was riding a very wild young horse near the depot when the train came in sight. This so frightened the horse that he be came frantic and jumped before the advancing engine , and was caught up on the pilot and carried somesev- ? nty-five yards before the engine could be stopped. Judge Watts was unhurt , but the two hind legs of the horse were broken and he had to be shot. Richmond Dispatch. A Life Komance. Afashionablo physician told an in. teresting experience the other day. Thirty yearn ago ho was a boy in one of the villages near New York. Like most latin of his ago , he had a sweetheart , with whom he used to attend prayer meeting , parties and other affairs. Like some other vil lage maidens , this maid was capri cious , and one fine day she coolly gave , him the go-by for some other fellow. To add insult to injury , she badgered him about his prospects , and asked tauntingly what he was going to do when he grew up to be a man. Oh ! he was going to be a doctor , and a great doctor. She laughed and said contemptuously , as only wicked , heart-breaking girls can , that he'd never amount to much because her mother had told her that he was very stupid. "Well , that's all right- , " responded our doctor , grimly. You'll hear from mo some dny because I am going to make a success of it. " The village lad kept his word. He became a famous doctor , and at tended some of the most celebrated persons in the United States. He rose constantly in his profession , and had almost forgotten his village maid when one day , not so very long ago , he received a note from her ask ing if ho was the same person she had known as a boy. He replied courteously , but without unnecessary words , that he was. About two weeks later the lady called on him at his office. She was gray-haired and matronly. She had seen his name hundreds of times in the public prints , but had supposed that it must be some one other than her former admirer. Then she asked if he would do her a favor. Her hus band had had reverses and was at present a sort of demented paralytic. She was too poor to provide for him , and had vainly tried to have him ad mitted to one of the hospitals for incurables. The doctor gave her a note to the superintendent of the hospital with which he happened to be connected , that was tantamount to an order for the admission of the patient. Two months after the husband died in the institution , and the widow called to thank the doctor for his services. A tear glistened in her eye , and , with a deep sigh , she hinted at how different things might have been if her mother hadn't forbidden her to have anything more to do with the stupid village lad. Tlu doctor , who saw the ticklish ground that the widow was treading , rapidly changed the subject , and soon after bowed the lady out , with much dignity , to receive one of his high-priced patients. But Ii3 was very absent-minded , and shocked his new caller considerably by the diffident manner in which he asked after her . symptoms. His mind was with the Hudson river vil lage girl of 30 vears ago. New York Star. Came to 8ee Sail and Dick. From the New York Times. Amongthe immigrants who landed yesterday at the Barge Office was a female stowaway who had crossed the opean in the White Star steam ship Teutonic. She was a tall , mat ronly looking woman and was well dressed for one passing through tha Barge Office. She gave her name as Mrs. John Jones and said that she was about fifty years old. Her home is near Queenstown and her husband is an old sailor and a pensioner of the British government. A. few yeairs ago her daughter came to this coun try with a letter to the late Father Riordan , who found agood situation for her. The girl wrote home a num ber of times to her mother. The lat ter longed to see her daughter and her son Dick , who had also cornc to this country. Last Thursday morning when she saw the Teutonic entering Queens- town Harbor the old woman put on her best clothes aiid said she was go ing to America to see Sally and Dick. As she did not have a penny in her pocket her husband did not take her at her word. At the dock she board ed the White Star tender and was transferred to the Teutonic. When the vessel was out at sea the purser asked her for her ticket. Although she had neither ticket nor money , the purser was not harsh with her. "Sure , he couldn't help but trp.it me decent , " she said , ' because I was respectable. " During the voyage she was treated as well as the other immigrant women. Gen. O'Bierne directed that she should be detained at the Barge Office while he endeav ored to find either Sally or Dick. America's Defenselossness. There is nothing pleasant in the testimony given by Gen. Nelson A. Miles , of the United States army , be fore a senate investigating commit tee. He said that the entire Pacific coast is dofeujsclwss and that during ten days the British fleet could de stroy every town and city on Puget sound , destroy our railroad system there and occupy our outlets for that northwestern country. An en ' could the Colum emy's ships go xtp bia" river and destroy the city of Portland. There is not an earth work nor a single artillery soldier on Puget sound. South of the harbor of San Francisco there is .tot a single un in position , nor a soldier to de fend the harbors and cities of San Diego , Santa Barbara ana San Ped ro. The city of San Francisco is ab solutely open to attack by an eno- rav's fleet. The - First - National - Bank. - CAPITAL AND SURPLUS : AUTHORIZED CAPITAL' $60,000. $100,000. GEOIMJE HOCKNELL , President. B. BL FREES , Vice President. YT. F , LM7SON , Cashier. A. CAMPBELL , Director. S. L. GREEN. Director. _ _ zens Bank o ! MeGook , INCORPORATED UNDEH STATE LAWS. Paid Op Capital , © 50,000. nking ' Business. i. Collections made on nil ncccBslblr prints. Drafts Cr-wn directly " * ' * . for uou- " on principal cities of Europe. Tuxes palit rcstdtuts. Money to loan on farming lands , city and personal property. TIC1ETS FOR SiLE TO AND FROM EUROPE. OFFICEUS : V. FRANKLIN , Tresldcnk. JOHN R. CLARK , Vice Prcs. A. C. EBERT , Cashier. THOS. I. GLASSCOTT , Ass. Cash. CORUESPOXMENTS : The First National Bank , Lincoln , Nebraska. The. Chemical National Bank , New York City. G-eneral Banking Business. ) o ( Interest paid on deposits by special agree ? , ment. Money loaned on personal property , good signatures - > natures or satisfactory collateral. Drafts drawn on the principal cities of thft United States and Europe. . OFFICERS : C. E. SHAW , Pres , JAY OLKKY , Vice Prea , CHAS. A. VAN PELT , Cash. P. A. WELLS , Asst. Cash. PETER PENNER wishes to announce that his stock pf BIS is complete , and also directs attention to his line of WHITE RUBBER TRIMMED HARNESS , finest ever brought to Western Nebraska. "West Dennison St. McCOOK , NEBRASKA. $ SOOOO.OO ! TO LOAN ON Improved Farms in Red Willow County AT 8i PER CENT. 8 $ cm- McCook Loan and Trust Co , FFicE IN FIRST NATIONAL BANK. ( S'ircfe ' Front Ibtver y GRAY & EIKENBERRY , Props. The .Best Equipment in the Republican Valley , ft : DEA'ERS IN ! LUMBER ! Sash , Doors , Blinds , Lime , Cement , HAED AND SOFT COAL. C. H. BOYLE , LAND - ATTORNEY , Six year * ' experience in Government Laud Cases. Real Estate , Leans ani Insurance. NOTARY PUBLIC. E Office upstairs in the Bcott bnilding , south of Commercial Ilotel , McCoolf , Neb. THE COMMERCIAL - HOTEL , GEC. E. JOHNSON , Prop. McCOOK , - NEBRASKA. This house has been compl tely renovctod nid refurnished throughout , and is first-class in every respect. Rates reaEOnabel. IT A. J. RITTEXHOUSE , "W. R. STARK , McCoolc. Indlanohv RITTEXHOUSE & STARR , YSATLAW ATTORNE YS-AT - OFFICES AT McCOOK and IMMAKOI..A. . J. BYRON JENNINGS , ATTORNEY - AT - LAW- practice in the state and United State * courts , and before the U. S. Land offices , Careful attention given to collections Ofl.'ce over the Nebraska Lean and Bankinfc Co. , McCook. _ THOS. GOLFER , ATTORNEY - AT - LAW AND NOTARY PUBLIC. Peal Estate Boucht and Sold and Collec tions made. Money Loaned on real estata and rinal prrof. Agtnt Lincoln Land Co. Office in Phillips-Meeker block. - . . . _ - - - - HUGH TV. COLE , LAWYER. TIcCOOK , - NEBRASKA. "Will rract'ce In ali courts. Commercial end Corporation law a specialty. y 9IOIVEY TO LOAY. Jlooms 4 and 5 First NatlonalBank Building.- . Dr. A. P. HOZIEOPATHIC PHYSICIAN AND SUKGEON , OTcCOOK , - NEBRASKA , . attention g' ' en to dlw.ses of oaea and Children. The latest impro-e4 methods at Electncitv used in all cases requ rine such treat ment. Office OTfr McMillen's Dr-s Store. Rea- idence , : Sorth M h > Street. - B. B. DAVIS , M. I > . C. II. JOXES , M. D. DA vis & JONES , PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS , JfcCOO/i , _ XEVKASKA. OFFICE HOURS : 9 to 11 a. ra. ; 2 too p. m. rto9p.B3. Rooms : Over First National bank. % The BEST SALTZ In the world forcnU. brnlsei , ores , nlc r , salt rheum , fever * cree , tstter , Capped bante , chilblains , corns , and all ikla raptloni , an-1 positively cures piles , or no pay eqnired. It Is guaranteed to give perfect iat ! > action or .uoney refunded. Price S5 nU pw icx. I tale by J. HclIUlea.