A CLEFT STICK.
No , there was no doubt about it ; I
had drank a great deal more than was
good for me , as my aching head and
< parched mouth only too painfully
proved. It was not the lobster salad
I scorned the deception ; it was the
champagne. I had always maintained
that picnics were a mistake , and now I
was certain of it.
Do not misunderstand me when I
say picnics are a mistake. Your real ,
rural , half-impromptu picnic with a
few intimate friends in some pleasant
spot away from the busy humdrum of
every-day life is pleasant enough ; but
what I inveigh against is that set feast
of luxuries , conveyed in a perfectly ap
pointed luncheon basket to some hack
neyed feasting-place by "pampered
. menials , " and in which the only variety
from every-day luncheon consists is
that it is eaten in an uncomfortable
position , instead of the orthodox com
fortable one. And this had been the
case yesterday. Besides , the company
had not been to my taste. Imagine a
single man , or , indeed , any man , pic
nicking with three engaged couples.
Could the most contented of mortals- ,
have been happy under such circum
stances ?
True , there had been a few odd mid
dle-aged outsiders , but what of that ?
Ah ! what indeed ? ' And -my'mem- -
ory began to collect its scattered parti
cles , I had more ; cause than ever to
curse that picnic.
We had been up the river , a party of
twelve yes , that was it and finding
that no blandishments on my part could
district the course of true love of any
one of the three engaged misses from
their faithful swains , I had e'en been
obliged to fall back upon .one of the
- "odd" members of the party. Urged
on my wild career by desperation and
frequent glasses of champagne , I had
made violent love to a maiden lady of
well of a certain age. She had been
too agreeable ; that was her own fault.
What might I not have committed my
self to in my efforts to drown ennui !
Who knows ! Perhaps I had proposed
to her. Well , she had been very charm
ing , why not ? Great heavens ! she was
40 if she was a day , and perhaps she
bah ! perhaps she was "made up. "
At least , I remember she appeared to
possess a certain amount of good looks ,
but how was I to know that those dark
lashes were not the result of antimony ,
than languishing glances bella donna ;
that complexion , arsenic ; those delicate
White hands , bismuth ? And now , too ,
I remembered that I had promised to
call on her. She lived at Kensington. ]
Happy thought ; perhaps 1 had mislaid
her address. I jumped off my chair
with more alacrity than I had thought
possible , and rummaged in my pockets
IOT the card she had given me. She.
said , with a bewitching smile , that she
was quite sure I should forget the ad
dress unless I had that card.
Ho such luck , there it was , only too
palpable to the naked eye. I sat down
again to the pretext of breakfast I had
been .making during these reveries. An
unwelcome'knock afe.the door , followed
by a more unwelcome intruder , put an
abrupt end to them.
"Hello , Charlie , old man , ! ' exclaimed
my hated visitor , "how are you ? Look
seedy ; been-up all night , or what ? "
! * 0h , go to the deuce , " I answered
itestily.
"Thanks ; wu always were a hospita-
ible kind of fellow , but I had hardly ex
pected so warm a reception as this ? "
. ( I should add that the spokesman
was my cousin , which may account ,
perhaps , for the lack of ceremony be
tween us. )
"Well , I tell you what it is , Ralph , I
am awfully down on my luck , and don't
want any of your chaff this morning. "
"Oh , if it's a matter of a fiver or so ,
why didn't you' say so before ? You .
know you may always count on me to
oblige you at a pinch. "
"Bosh , my dear fellow , it's not that.
I am a little off color , that's all. Don't
'
you see
"Whew w , I think I do see now !
A woman in the case , of course. What
an awful duffer I must have been not to
have seen it at first ! ' '
( How I hate the familiarity of rela
tionship which seems to arrogate to
itself the right to pry into and expose
all one's personal affairs. Believe me ,
relations are a great mistake. I felt at
this momflht that I would gladly have
attended the execution of one and all of
tuine. There was the governor , dear
old man ! he always took a savage de
light in telling me that I should live to
make a fool of myself one day , and
there is generally a half truth in what
that old man observes ; but the suspi
cion that disagreeable home-truths are
true does not make them any more pal
atable to the recipient of them , does it ? )
"Look here , Ralpk , " I said , "lam
not in the humor for humbug this morn
ing , so let us drop the subject of my ap
pearance. and its cause altoether.
Have you seen the gov ? "
"Yes , saw him he goinj
. _ _ _ _ just _ as . _ _ was _ ° -r-f
.t I T ? * -1 - -
out for his morning constitutional He
looked 'fit' enough ? "
I winced at this overt dig at my ten
der sptjt.
"Well , suppose you go downstairs
and smoke while I finish breakfast , and
then we'll see how to pass an hour or
two. "
My tormenter was gone at last , thank
; oodness , but what was the torment of
Eis presence to that of my own mind ?
There was no getting out of it. I
must call upon my elderly charmer ,
and that without delay. The longer
matters were put off the worse they
would appear. a :
I went downstairs and found Ralph ii
smoking. Bah ! I could not have si
smoked this morning to have saved my tlH
life. H
life."I tlW
"I suppose you have nothing to do W
up till luncheon time , Ralph ? Will B
ydu come for a drive ? I have a morn-
mgjcall to pay. "
"Thought so ; but why wouldn't you
speak the truth at once ? Who is
she ? "
"Time enough for you'to know when
you've seen her , " I answered surlily.
"Will you come ? I shall have to leave
you outside. "
"All right , old man ; anything to-fur
ther the interest of a friend. I don't
mind playing Leporello to your Don
Juan for once. "
We drove to Kensington. The brill
iant sun seemed to mockfmy gloomy
thoughts , and my spirits fell to zero as
we opproached the liouse. v
"WasMiss Dainian at home ! "
"Yes , Miss Daraian was at home. "
My last loophole of escape was
closed. I entered the house , arid had
not been seated five minutes when the
door opened , and a perfect vision of
loveliness greeted my astonished gaze.
Picture to yourself the most beauti
ful creature your eyes over rested on ,
or your imagination conjured up in the
form of a woman , and apply the result
to the present case.
Her.eyes , her complexion , her figure !
But I will not attempt to describe them
for fear they should clash with your in
dividual ideal of beauty , and so destroy
the illusion.
She could not have been more than
19 or 20. Was this my "elderly
charmer" of yesterday ? No , there
must be some mistake.
The vision came forward with a
seraphic smile of ill-disguised amuse
ment at my evident' astonishment.
"MissDamian ? " I stammered.
"I am Miss Dainian , Miss Ethel
Damian , in my aunt's house , and my
aunt desires me to express her regrec at
being unable to see you this morning.
She caught a slight cold on the river
yesterday , but slid hopes you will call
again very soon. "
That voice ! What can I liken it to
in order to convey an idea of its melli
fluous sound ? All the old similes of
nightingales and running water pale
before such perfection.
"I am deli I mean I am distressed
beyond measoire'errwhat an extreme
ly warm day ! " '
"You appear to find it so ; I had
thought it rather cool. "
"What I meant' to say was" ( I. was-
becoming confused , and stumbling
deeper into difficulties at every step )
"what I meant to say was that I ought
to be indebted to almost any accident
which was the means of introducing mete
to Miss Damian's niece , although I had ,
no idea of expressing anything but re
gret at Miss Damian's illnes. " s
"Qui s'excuse , s'accuse , so no 'more
compliments to me at my aunt's ex
pense , if you please. How did the pic
nic go off ? I was prevented from go
ing unfortunately. "
"It was delightful- ! ( Heaven for
give me for the falsehood ! ) "Indeed ,
I am indebted to your aunt for all the
pleasure I extracted from it. Without
her it would have been dull enough. "
"Ah-my AuntBarbara has been add
ing yet another victim to her train of ,
admirers , I see ! "
1 'What do you mean ? burely ' '
"Yes , it is my painful duty to state
that Aunt Barbara is a confirmed , flirt.
Papa used to say that his sister Barbara
would flirt with a pair of tongs for lack
of anything better , and she has gone on
practicing her * amiable weakness all
bhrough life. Indeed , I always tell her
that my time is spent in following her
about like a sheep dog to play propri-
2ty. Do not be alarmed , she means
aothing serious. It is her only foible.
We are very much attached to one an-
Jther , and she is always in. all things
my very dear Aunt Barbara. "
The charm of the speaker's manner
3ntirely carried off any sense of
arusquerie that this unconventional dec-
.aration might have otherwise impressed
ne with.
The ice once being broken , I sat on ,
; alking with my vision , quite oblivious
a the throes of impatience that Ralph
night be feeling seated outside in his
lansom.
At last it was time to go. "I may
; all again , may I not ? "
"I hope so , or Aunt Barbara will feel
preatly disappointed at your lack of
ealty to her. "
I left the house , over head and heels
n love. I had-been in love many times
> efore in fact , I had always been fall-
ng in love ever since I was 15 , but this
ime there was no doubt about it.
"No need to ask what luck , Charlie , "
sxclaimed Ralph , as I bounded into the
lausom , "for 'Accepted' is written in
mge capitals all over your face. "
"Ralph , she is an angel ! " ;
"Ah ! the most of them are , I notice ,
intil they are married. "
I deigned no reply to this insulting
emarkbut drove back in silent ecstasy ,
eaving Ralph to his own meditations.
But every sweet has its accompany-
ng bitter , and the reaction of my mis-
rable position upon the last blissful
lour was harder to bear than before.
Vhy , it was ever so much worse ! Here
ros I pledged , perhaps , to the aunt ,
i-hile I'wasjdesperately.in love with the
liece. I recalled the words that my
ision had uttered regarding her annt's
aible , as she termed it , but even this
ould not offer any strong solace to me. v
low could she know to what extent s
aatters had gone ? There was no y
elp for it , 1 must go to the governor
ike the returned prodigal , and confess i
iy dilemma even at the risk of being n
ailed every epithet expressive of the t <
lain and ugly word "fool" in his ex- itr 1
; nsive vocabulary. r
Hewas sitting in the libary. I felt
n intolerably sneaky sensation fcreep- ain
ig over me , and an inexpressible de- n
re to get behind myself as I opened tn
IB door and walked , or rather edged , n
lyself into the room. All my courage ir
as oozing out at my finger-tips like
ob Acres' . ' The sooner the matter
was over the better for me , , however ,
so I broke headlong into my confes
sion.
sion.At
At first , of course , the old man was
furious. "I always had been a fool ,
and now I was going to commit the
greatest folly of all , and tie mvself up
to some woman old chough to be my
mother , of whom nobody knew any
thing , and who , for all we could guess ,
might not even be respectable , " and so
forth , in the usual manner of irate
fathers , when they have got the whip-
hand of their erring sons.
I bo're it all meekly enough , and at
last calmed the explosion by throwing
myself upon his mercy and asking him
to help me out of the fix. The ruse
was successful.
"We must see my elderly charmer
together ; we had better call to-morrow.
No ? Well , then , the next day , and he
would see what there was to be done. "
And so ended the interview between
fovernpr and myself. I felt relieved ,
ut I could not feel at rest until this
this dreaded call was over.
- The governor was very good all that
day. He generally did turn up trumps
at a real , crisis.
The next day after lunch he proposed
stroll in the Row , as he said , to dis
tract my attention from the painful and
absorbing topic .that . engrossed it.
We had been walking up and down ,
stopping now and again to greet some
passing friend , when I suddenly saw
my Vision before me. It could be no
other ; there was not a face among all
the beauties present that could have
compared with , or be mistaken for ,
hers. She was sitting under the shade
of one of the great elms , daintily
dressed in some diaphanous , creamy-
white material , and looking more be
witching than ever. And that lady sit
ting beside her why , that , of course ,
was she to whom I believed myself
engaged , my elderly charmer.
In my self-accusing hour of remorse
i.1 had done her an injustice. Therewas
no "make-up" there. She was dressed
in good taste'and as became her age ;
any disinterested person would have
pronounced her a decidedly elegant ,
woman , well preserved for 40 , if indeed
she Were so much , and with no small
pretensions to good looks.
I started involuntarily , and the gov
ernor observed it. * i' . *
"Well , Charlie , what's amiss now ? "
"Why , " I answered , growing sud
denly scarlet allover , "there she is. "
"Where ? " - t ,
"Over there , sitting under that tree
and talking'to that lovely girl ittwhite. "
"Now for it , my boy ; introduce , me. "
I walked forward ndraisedfiny hat.
"Miss Damian - ? ' "T ' - ' , * >
"Ah , so we have met sooner .than we
expected , MjCarew ; acceptiiayap'olo-
gies for having a cold yesterday when
you called , yet I can hardlyblame the
cold , for it was ca'ught at the picnic and
is now goneand had it not been for the
picnic we should not have met , and you
would mot have called at all. I dare
say my.niece did the honors for. me
better than-rl should ha\e- done them
myself.'V ; ' . " , ' * '
All the answer that I could make to
this was to look rapturously at Ethel
and mumble inarticulately to Miss
Damian.-
There was certainly . a touch of
coquetrj in Aunt Barbara's speech , but
itwas the permissible coquetry of a lady
who knew her position and could main
tain it.
I introduced the governor by way of
hiding my idiotic confusion , and the
conversation became general , or rather
broke up into twos , for I seized the
vacant chair next to Ethel , and left the
governor to Miss Damian altogether.
You may not believe mebut it is per
fectly true that I forgot all about my
dilemma from the moment plunged
into that heavenly tete-a-tete with Ethel ,
and was oblivious of all surroundings.
At last my trance was broken. Miss
Damian leaned forward and pointedly
addressed me.
"I am telling your fatherMr. Carew ,
that he must cfiange places with you
and give me a chance of renewing our
pleasant acquaintance of the day before
jresterday. "
The governor did not seem to have
3xertea himself much in my cause ; he
was beaming all over with an expres
sion of gratified vanity , evidently.not
; he result of a battle fought in my
iavor.
I tore myself away from Ethel's side
md changed seats.
"Do you think that I am going to
et my preux chevalier of the picnic
magine he is going to shelve me in
hat easy fashion to-day ? Had you a
rery bad headache yesterday morning ,
Mr. Carew ? I know you attacked that
shampagne a great deal too severely ,
msty as it was , but no matter , compli-
nents aside , confess that you were in-
> rdinately bored at the feast , and that
ou only fell back upon me as a pis
Her , pour passer le tempts. Engaged
overs are the most selfish creature in
he world , certainly. No , you won't
fell , then , I shall keep you to every
rord that you uttered to me on that
ccasion. " ( Good heavens , now itwas
oming ; then 1 had proposed to her ! )
'Do you remember all that passed as
ividlyasldo ? If so , your head is a
tronger one than most young men's of
our asre. "
What in the world was she driving at ,
wondered had I proposed to her or [
ot ? If so , why did she adopt this ma-
jrial tone toward me ( I was 25) ; and
not , what did this occasional coquet-
jof manner portend ?
"Do you know , Mr. Carew , that
[ though I have directed several re-
larks to you , and asked you at least
vo plain questions within the last five
u'nutes , you have remained absolutely
mte ? "
What had been the use of my intro-
ucing the governer if this was the
quagmire of embarrassment in which
he had left me ? He bad not even
smoothed the way for an explanation.
I collected my senses there was no
. "Miss Damian " I
escape. , began seri
ously , "believe any ill of me that you
please , perhaps the champagne was not
very good ( I had not stopped to con
sider its quality at the time ) , but my
memory is not so faulty as you imagine ,
and at least accept my assurance that
anything I uttered to you the day before
yesterday I am prepared to stand by
now , and if the devotion of a life can "
She interrupted me with an incom
prehensible smile. "Ah , that is what
you all say , but how can I place any
dependence on such expressions when
you seize the first opportunity to leuve
me for the society of my niece ? "
"Miss Damian , belive me "
"Mr. Carew , I will believe nothing
now , but see , your father is going , and
it is time for Ethel to be returning with
me. Good-by for the present , and if
you and your father care for our society ,
come and lunch with us one day next
week. " Here the governor came up
in time for the invitation , which he ac
cepted with a positive chuckle of de
light.
So I had committed myself and could
not now retract. Farewell , Ethel , my
vision of light , farewell to all my hopes
and dreams.for the future , henceforth.
"Father , " I exclaimed , with a digni
fied sneer , as soon as we were left alone ,
"permit me to express my gratitude for
the able manner in which you have
helped me upon the most trying occa
sion of.my life. "
"Why , you young cub ; you don't
know when you are well off. Miss
Damian is a perfectly charming woman.
I had no idea from your description
that she could be such a delightful crea
ture. 'Made-up , : indeed , you puppies
of moderns seem to think that .no woman
who has outgrown the follies of the
school-room can retain a vestige of nat
ural beauty. "
"Thank you , " I replied , sullenly ,
"but whatever Miss Damian's preserva
tive qualities may be , I have no wish to
marry a woman 'old enough to be iny
mether.1. " '
"You have only yourself to thank in
the matter , and must abide by the con
sequences. Don't blame me. As it
happens , you have-done by accident
perhaps the wisest action in your life ,
and selected a wife in every way fitted
to enhance your position , ana keep
you out of mischief. " &
I clearly saw it was.no . use to go on
arguing with the governor while he was
in this mood , so with a half-smoothed
ejaculation , which was not a blessing , I
let the matter drop for the time.
For several days after this I went
jibQUt with a hang-dog expression
'wliich seemed to cau < u no little amuse-
-mcnt toimy cousin 'Ifal-jn , who was for
ever popping in upon nus ami rallying
me upon 'my appearance ia a manner
which he , no doubt , thought very witty.
I wonder I did not kill Ralph when I
look back at that time. He richly de
served it.
The governor and I had aceeptod
Miss Damian's invitation to lunch for
the following Wednesday. I was rather
at a loss to understand his- evident im
patience for the starting hour to arrive
as soon as 'the day came round.
He had disappeared unusually early i
to make his toilet , I thought , as I sat {
smoking in the library and feeling far
from comfortable at the prospect of
this luncheon with my elderly be
trothed.
While I was engaged in this manner
the governor enterea , dressed to a state
of discomfort that almost looked like
anticipating : the wedding.
" Dad " I exclaimed "I
"Why , , , never
saw you look so young before ! You
seem to have cast off twenty years of
your life with your old coat , just like a
snake. Where did you get that gar
denia from ? "
"Nonsense , my boy , nonsense , there
is nothing unusual , I suppose in making
one's self look respectable ; but what
are you doing here , Charlie at this
hour ? You ought to be ready to start ,
and for goodness sake throw away that
filthy cigar , i don't want to go to Miss
Damian's reeking of tobaceo. " ( The
Governor never used to object to tobacco
at any time of his life ; he was an in
veterate smoker himself. )
"It wants more than half an hour to
the time. " I replied , nonchalantly
"no hurry , we shall be quite soon
3nough. "
"There , that's just the way with all
fou modern young men ; you ought to
be ashamed of yourselves. When I
was young it was considered an.
itrocious breach of good manners to
jeep a lady waiting , but you youngsters ' *
ire all so stuck up in your own conceit
; hat I believe it is a part of your re-
igion to go late everywhere for the
satisfaction of creating "an excitement ,
ust like a parcel of young misses , but
. don't intend any of these degenerate
labits to influence me. Go and make
'ourself presentable at once , And for
iCaven's sake use some eau de Cologne
o banish that disgraceful odor of
moke , sir Miss Damian's is not a , ,
lot-house.
I slunk upstairs without further par-
ey and made the necessary alterations
n my dress , then we drove off together
o Kensington.
Who shall say that acting is only ac-
uired by practice ? I believe Charles
lathews himself could not have
chooled his natural instincts to affect a
reater air of polite empressment than n
managed to infuse into my greeting
3 Miss Damian.
And Ethel I was obliged to com-
iand my feelings still more severely
rith her , perhaps nor quite so success-
jlly , for I felt 'he tell-tale blush mount
j my face , and my hand trembled vis-
) ly as I cjasped her dainty fingers for
ie space of the orthodox few seconds.
Luncheon was over. It had not gone
off so badly as I Imd anticipated , all
things considered. The governor had
betm more animated than Jf ever remem
ber having seen him , and ho most con
siderably monopolized nearly all Miss
Damian's attention during the meal.
Now he had , apparently with some re
luctance , given up his seat next Miss
Damian to me. We were sitting half-
sluuleil by a screen , and Ethel was mak
ing conversation in her graceful manner
with the governor.
"And so I am really to believe that
you hold to the declaration you made
to me up the river last week , Mr. Ca
rew ? "
"Can you doubt me ? Did I not re
peat it to you in all earnestness in the
Row only a few days ago , Miss Da
mian ? "
"You are a very chivalrous young
man , the apt pupil of a chivalrous
father I wonder if you mean all you
say , and still more I wonder if you dis
tinctly remember what you really did
.say at the picnic. I have always had u
my doubts on that subject.
"Miss Damian , do you wish me to re
peat it now ? "
"Certainly not , for I am sure you
could not if 3-011 tried ; but to relieve
you of all further anxiety on the sub
ject I will tell 3ou , not all that you
said , for that would be to repeat too A
much good-humored nonsense , but the
one important declaration which evi
dently weighs so heavily upon your
conscience. "
"I am all attention. "
"Well , you confided to me , of course ,
in the strictest secrecy , that 3'ou never
could marry any woman if you thought
she -were capable of consuming as much
lobster salad as any one of those three
young ladies did , against whom you
seemed to bear such a grudge for re
fusing to flirt with you in the very pres
ence of their fiances. There , I thought
you would feel relieved , but it is a very
bad compliment to me to let it be so ap
parent. "
Good heavens ! and was this all ?
Had I been making myself miserable
and objectionable to all my friends for
the past week , and for nothing ? Even
my habitual self-control failed me now ,
and the expression of delight on my
countenance no doubt deservedly called ,
forth Miss Damian's reproof.
I was a free man again , yet honor
forbade me to jump at the position too
eagerly.
"Von cannot think , " I said , "that
this little misunderstanding can alter
tin ; relations between us1
"Relations ! what relations ? I don't
understand you , Mr. Carew. "
"Surelyou could not have mistaken
the nature of my offer to } 'ou the other
day in the Row ? "
She burst into a little fit"of laughter.
"You foolish bo3 * , do 3-011 take me for
an ogress ? Could you not see that L
was onl3 * amusing myself ? I value the
freedom of my maidenhood a great
deal too much to part with it so etisily.
An old maid I am , and an old maid I
mean to be to the end of the chapter.
Besides , do 3ou think I have no 03-63 ?
I am far too experienced in reading 'tlie
signs of love' not to have observed
wnere 3011 r heart is fixed , perhaps not
without good grounds , " and she looked
expressively across the room to where
Ethel was sitting. "Love at first sight
sight is no such uncommon occurrence
after all , is it , Mr. Carew ? "
I raised her taper hand and reverentlj
kissed it. "Miss Damian , you have
taught me a most gracious lesson , and
I should be most ungrateful not to
profit by it. Believe me this time when
I assert that nry allegiance to you is , in
another form , stronger than ever. "
"That is well , and now go and talk
to Ethel and leave me to amuse your
father ; that is more in the fitness of
things.
And I was in a delirium of delight
for the rest of the afternoon. What
need to say" how often I called at the
house in Kensington after this ? Indeed ,
I could not if I attempted. Enough
that I at last "screwed my courage to
the sticking-place , " and "obtained the
one word from Ethel that was wanting
to make my happiness complete.
Our wedding took place in the follow
ing month , with the usual orange blos
soms , white lace , fees , and frippery.
That abominable Ralph was my
groomsman. The laugh was all on
my side now , and he has never to this
lay suspected the real facts of the case
when he drove with me to Kensington
: hat morning after the picnic , and
waited outside the house in a hansom.
"Oh ! Charlie , " exclaimed my Ethel
is we started for Paris on our wedding
; iip , "what a good thing it is you mar-
ied me , for now I shall make such an
jxcellent chaperonefor Aunt Barbara. "
When we returned to London , the
> W governor was the first to greet us.
I could not make out what had come
> ver him , he seemed embarrassed , and
mxious to avoid meeting my eye , and
urned the conversation whenever it
ouched upon home topics.
At last when we were alone he came
ip to me and put his hand shyly upon
ny shoulder. "Charlie , my dear boy ,
lon't call your father an old fool , but
ou see the house was lonely after you
eft it , and I had no companion"
.muse me in your absence , and so , and < ,
o fact , Charlie , Miss Damian is now
Irs. Carew , and your stepmother. "
"Bravo ! " I
, governor exclaimed ,
'and a charming stepmother , too ;
ccept my best wishes ? "
So , you see , Aunt Barbara did not
equire Ethel for a chaperone after all.
-Temple Bar.
A clerk at a Pittsburgh
ropriately refers to nis salary as a
; stypenned. " [ Pittsburgh Telegraph.
The ordinary restaurant waiter meus-
res all his customers from tip to tip.
Is. Y. News.
