SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
THE COMIC PAPERS.
Pleasant Incidents Occurrlnc the
Wot-lil Ovcr-tiBylitRBtbut Are Cheer
ful to Old or YnutiK Kutuijr Hclcc-
tlouM that Kvcrybody Will Knjojr.
Nell May Brassey's nwful mnd. Slie
sent an iinoymoiia letter to the society
editor announcing that Miss Miiy Bras-
Roy Is one of the prettiest young women
In the uptown set.
nolle Ami didn't lie publish it ?
"Yes : but ho headed it : 'Miss Bras-
noy says. ' " Philadelphia Record.
I'rccuution.
Visitor Why. Mrs. l-'oxy , do you put
pens under your rug ?
Mrs. Foxy To keep young men from
limiting t'.eeliivnUom of love to my
daughter ! Meggondorfor Blucttur.
Jn Titt nil \ Stnlc.
"Say , I thought you said they always
give fresh vegetables at that farm. I've
got my family there now , and we're
nil disgusted. "
"You surprise inc. Perhaps they pro
vide tin- best they can. "
"Not mueh. They dou'4 even provide
the best the winners en n. " Philadel
phia Press.
rr It
"I didn't net home till dawn yester
day morning. "
"What did your wife say ? "
"That's the wrong way to put It.
What didn't she any ? "
BROTHERS IN ADVERSITY.
rp .
Farmer Pull up , you fool ! The mire's bolting !
Motorist So's the cur ! Punch.
t Lukewarm Wentlier.
"Pop , this Is uwfuly hot weather ,
ain't It ? " quoth Gcorgie , the 6-year-old
family joy. "How do you like your
weather ? "
"In summer 1 imagine I like It cold ;
In winter I believe I like it hot. How
Is it with you ? "
"Oh , I like mine lukewarm. " New
York Prcfcs.
A Dead Trump.
Mrs. Youngwed ( crylug ) Oh , Frank !
Roo-hoo ! Don't you know a big tramp
nte one of the pies 1 baked this morn
ing ! Boo-lioo !
Mr. Youugwcd-Oh , well , dear ,
there's lots of other tramps. Besides ,
the police won't blame you for It.
I'ust nncl Future.
"The secret of happiness Is to live in
the present. "
"That's HO ; but my wife Is always
wanting money for to-morrow , and
bill collectors , you know , won't let you
forgot yesterday. "
One Little Detail.
"Arc all the arrangements for your
marriage w'Mi thp count complete ? "
"Practically. All lhat remains Is for
him to give IIHIUI a statement of his lia
bilities. " Life.
1'rnimKntor * .
"Mosquitoes arc acetu-od of prepa-
gathig disease , " said Hpykes.
"Well , 1 know Mint they propagate
profanity , " said Spokes.
Him On.
The summer < glrl and the summer
young mini had exhausted nil other
subjects of conversation , wheu they
turned to the crops.
" 1 guess Mm com Holds of the West
are In n bed way on uccouut of the
dry spell , " said he.
"Yes , ( hut seems to be the case , " she
assented , coyly ; "but I don't think the
pop corn crop will be Injured. "
After that what could ho do but pop ?
Plttsburg Commercial-Gazette.
KnclH In the Cn ie.
"Madam , " said the poor but honest
leemini , "you do me a great Injustice
when you say my bill Is moro than It
should be. To tell you the truth , I ftin
actually .selling lee at a loss this sum
mer. "
"Ob , I CMn readily believe that , " re
plied the Indignant female. "The 10-
pound cakes you cut for mo show a loss
of fully three pounds each by the time
you get them hi the refrigerator. "
AH Others > oe U u
Miles 1 have my doubts ubout that
assertion of yours.
Giles WcJl , you certainly have plen
ty of room for doubt.
Miles-How's that ?
Giles There is plenty of vacant
t-pace under your hut.
K.IH.Y.
"Which would you rather , Tommy ,
be hum lucky or rich ? " asked Uncle
Tredwny.
"Both , " replied Tommy sententlously.
Overstocked.
"I argued and argued with young
Nibbs to have more self-esteem. " i
"Was he Influenced by your efforts ? " '
"llo's got so much now that I can't
stay around where he Is. "
Came of Her Cold.
"Poor Emersonla has a very severe '
cold , " said Mrs. Bucklmy to Mrs. Bost-
I
lup. '
"Yes , the poor child took olt her
heavy-weight spectacles and put on her '
summer eyeglasses too soon , " replied
I
the latter.
Critically. 1
Polly Plnktlghts The leading lady is
111.
Fanny Footlights Critically ? '
Polly Pinktights 1 suppose so.
Didn't you see the way all the papers
roasted her this morning ? Philadel
phia Uecord.
Fault of Our Language.
Myer Blfklns writes me that he sus
tained a broken leg in a railway acci
dent one day last week.
Gyer Well , that Is certainly consid
erate on the part of Blfklus.
Myer-How's that ?
Gycr The leg helped to sustain him
before It was broken , therefore , It Is
no more than right that he should sus
tain It now.
A Precipitate Verdict.
"Pa , what is a philosopher ? "
"A philosopher , .Tlmmle , Is a man
who thinks ho has got through being
u fool. " -
No Chnncc to KctNt.
"A picture peddler caught me yester
day. "
"Well , you are getting feeble-mind
ed. "
"lie wa& peddling snow scenes. "
A Vean AVar Slcn lluve.
Mrs. Whyte Men have very poor
Judgment.
Mrs. Browne Yes , but It doesn't dote
to tell them so. If you do they ore apt
to make sarcastic references to the time
when they got married. Sotucrvlllo
Journal.
Couldn't He Sacrificed.
Easterner Why don't you build yout
courthouse over there ?
Wtai.crnur Why , if we did we'd hare
to cut that tree down.
"Well , what of It ? "
"What of it ? Man alive , that's the
only tree In this neighborhood lit to
lynch u m i on ! " Philadelphia Hoc-
ord.
Only Obstacle.
"Here's a woman , " said the Query
Kdltor , "who asks : 'Should a married
woman in writing * a letter SK ! herself
"Mrs. John Smith ? " ' " Certainly , " re
plied the Snake Editor , "unless her
name happened to be 'Mrs. William
Jones. ' " Philadelphia Itecord.
A Kricinll.r I
Proud Mamma Don't you think little
Harold's head Is n great deal like his
father's.
TJnole BUI Yep. Nothing on the out
side and not much on the Inside. Bnltl
more American.
EXCHANGED VALISES.
A'liy the Klulitfnl Ownrr of One Ncyer
n'lc ' tor It.
The story was told by a quiet , black-
.Ktmlfcd ; gentleman who had registered
from Plttsburg , and \\Iio happened to
3u one of n group of yarn spinners In
the corridor of the Gruuewald Hotel n
few evenings ago. " 1 am In the fouii-
Jry business at present , " he said , "but
In my younger years 1 Imagined I was
i-ut out for a doctor , and took a course
it the old Ohio Medical College , In Cin
cinnati. It was the custom at that
time , and may be yet , for the advanced
9tudentH to do n good deal of Individual
dissecting work at their rooms , and for
that purpose a regular division was
made of certain of the cadavers nt the
college. One student , for Instance ,
would get an arm , another n foot , and
uiothur some other section , which they
would cnrry away and study at their
leisure. One evening 1 will never for
get It If I live to be n thousand I se
cured the forearm of an unusually line
subject , a miinculnr negro , and , putting
It hi a small valise , started for my
quarters In the eastern suburbs of the
i-lry. The mule car 1 took was unusu
ally crowded , and 1 put my valise on
the iloor. When I reached my rooms
and took a second look at It , 1 wan
shocked to ec that I had picked up
somebody else's luggage by mistake. I
hated to lose my specimen , but what
troubled me a hundred times more was
the thought of the fright that It would
probably occasion some Innocent per
son , may be n woman , and , on retlc.c-
tlon , I concluded to report the matter
at once to the police. Accordingly , I
got on the cars again and went directly
to headquarters , where I was fortunate
enough to catch the chief , Just going
out. He heard my story In hlR private
oltlce , and agreed with me that the dis
covery of my ghastly package would
he apt to till some household with horror -
ror and consternation. 'We "will have
Homebody rushing in here before mornIng -
Ing with a clew to a mysterious mur
der , ' he said ; 'and , by the way , suppose
that we open the valise you have with
you. It may furnish us with the ad
dress of the owner. ' It was locked , but
he soon found a key that ( It , and when
he looked Inside he gave a prolonged
whistle. 'Your vullso will never bo reported -
ported , doctor , ' he said , dryly. The ono
1 had picked up contained a kit of bur
glars' tools. " Now Orleans Times-
Democrat.
JIo Wanted to Know.
He ambled up to the window In a
careless manner and put his elbow on
the shelf for support. Then he drew a
strong breath you could tell It waa
strong without looking and smiled at
the clerk.
"Xlsh hie Informiushun burro ? " ho
asked , in dcllclously thick accents.
The clerk nodded and looked wise.
"Xlsli where zhuy hie tell foksh
things. "
"It is. "
"Wise guyshl"
The clerk looked annoyed and waxed
groggy as he inhaled the atmosphere
lingering Just outside.
"If you have any business with me ,
plcnnu state it at once , " he said , an
prlly.
" /ash it 'xnc'hly hie tcll't right
iio < A8liolielpmu ! Slice , Kish way. Game
down town 'shevenln' t' balance book
shno can't halansh unyshinghc , hel
'Hah f'rbut shny , whnshwan' tell y' ish
I met a frlen' shay , you frlcn' o *
mine ? "
"Yes , yes , I'm a friend of yours ; but
pet a move on , old man , and let that
crowd behind you take n peep. "
The visitor wasn't s > o certain about
that , but after surveying the angry line
just subsequent to him , he stopped hes
itating and went on :
"Sho me'n my frlcn' we took n drink
hie an' here I am ! 'Huh f'r but
shay , whahwan" know ish zish hie
informashun burroV"
"Certainly ; hurry up. "
"Well , I wnnsh know shay , I'm goln1
home I wannli know Ish my wife got
a club ? " Denver Times.
They Can't Oono.
There are many apparently simple
things that on experimenting yon will
Hnd you cannot do. You can't stand for
live minutes without moving , If yon
arc blindfolded. You can't stand at the
side of u riidin with both of your feet
touching the wainscoting lengthwise.
You can't jet out of a chair without
bending your body forward or putting
jour feet under It ; that Is , If you are
sitting squarely on the chair and not
on the ed c of It. You can't crush an
egg when placed lengthwise between
your hai'ds ; that Is , If the egg Is sound
ami iiii-- the ordinary shell of a hen's
egg. You can't break u match If the
match Is laid across ( he nail of the
middle flnger of ether bund and pressed
upon by the first and third fingers of
that hand , despite Its sc-enilng so easy
at first sight.
Wasted KITbrr.
"Are you trying lo do anything foi
the benettt of posterity ? " asked the se
rious person. "Nothing much , ' answer
ed the Intensely selfish man. "Just
look what previous generations have
tried to do for posterity. But here wo
are going to burlesque shows and using
slang and wearing freak clothes , Just
as If Slrnkspcnre and Sir Isaac Newton
had never lived. 1 am thoroughly con
vinced that any effort to benefit any
thing BO frivolous and ungrateful as
posterity Is a sheer waste of tluio. "
Never Done.
She Do you think It Is work for ft
woman to talk ?
He Oh , yes ; you know they do say
woman's work Is never done. Yonkura
Staicnnmn.
By the time the average boy Is tea
years eld , he has a scar on his head
where the hair will never grow again.
PRESIDENT PASSES A WAY !
Lamp of Life Goes Slowly Out Almost With Dawning of
Another Day.
HOPE ABANDONED IN THE EARLY EVENING
Not a Shadow of Lingering Hope and the Death Chamber Hushed and Still
While the Tear-stained Watchers Awaited the Dread Mcssaee.
MILBURN HOUSE , Buf
falo , Sept. U-President
jj McKlnley died at 2:15 :
\ \ this Saturday morning.
r"
Bui-TAU ) , Sept. M. The message
of death had been long expected. For
hours the president had been uncon
scious.
The physicians remained with the
president out of respect , the time for
( heir services having passed.
The members of the family with the
cjtccplioti of the bereaved wife were
at the death bed. Mrs. McKlnley was
in an adjoining room. Dr. Jlixey was
the only physician present.
110UUS THAT I'UKCKDKD DKAT1I.
Mn.mntN HOUSK , Bullalo , Sept. 13 ,
The president Is slowly dying.
Secretary Cortelyou sent this an
nouncement from the house at Oi.'lO
o'clock tonight. At the same time
Dr. Myntcr , who had just come from
l lie sick room , said there was hardly
any pulse left and the body was get
ting cold , although the president's
vitality was so strong that he might
last until li o'clock in the morning ,
lint he might die at any moment.
The extremities are now cold with the
approach of death.
The last sad otllces about the bed
side have been said and the president
lu- > again lapsed into unconsciousness
aficrii brief period of consciousness.
During his conscious moments Mrs.
MHviriley was brought into the chain-
be r and there was an affecting fare
well. Members of the cabinet , one by
nne , saw the president momentarily ,
and there was a hushed exchange.
Tlien the president softly chanted a
hymn.
Just before he lapsed Into uncon-
piousness lie begged the doctors to
lot him die.
At HMO every one within the house
and in the great crowd outside -was
awaiting the announcement of the
DlMlre.n Plainly I > | ilnn-il.
WASHINGTON , Sept. 14. The three
cabinet olllcers In the capitol today
weie pictures of distress. Two days
ago Secretary Hay had left his
chief apparently on the road to re-
v.u-ry and today Postmaster General
- > i.ith , who had left Buffalo even later
tud reached hero this morning , said
hat when he came fr-un the Milburn
u-jino yesterday the president was , ae-
c mling to his best Information , surely
in the mend.
rHKPAIlK roil TH1C KNl ) .
Before fl o'clock it was clear to those
at the president's bedside that he was
dying , and preparations wens made
for the last sad-olUo s of farewell from
those who were nearest and dearest to
him. Oxygen had been administered
steadily , but with little effect In keep
ing back the approach of death. The
president came out of one peViod of
unconsciousness only to relapse Into
another. But in tills period , when his
mind was partlallv clear , occurred a
series of events of profoundly touch
ing character.
Downstairs , with strained and tearstained -
stained faces , membeisofthe cabinet
were grouped in anxious waiting.
They knew the end was near and that
the time had come when they must
see him for the last time on earth.
This was about 0 o'clock. One by one
they ascended the stair way Secretary
Root , Secretary Hitchcock and Attor
ney General JCnox. Secretary Wilson
also was there , but he held back not
wishing to see the president in his
last agony. There was only a mo
mentary stay of the cabinet otllccrs at
the threshold of the death chamber.
Then they withdrew , the tears stream
ing down their faces and the words of
intense grief choking in their throats.
DYING MAN ASKS KOH WIKK.
After they left the sick room the
physicians rallied lilm to consciousness
and the president asked almost imme
diately that his wife be brought to
him. The doctors fell Into the shad
ows of the room as Mrs. McKlnley
came through the doorway. The
strong face of the dying man lighted
up with a faint smile as their hands
were clasped , Who sat beside him
and held his hand. Despite her phys
ical weakness she bore up bravely un
der the ordeal.
The president In his last period of
consciousness , which ended about7MO ,
chanted the words of the hymn "Near
er , My GodtoThec"andhlslastaudl-
ble concioiis words as taken down by
Dr. Mann at the bedside were :
"Good-bye , all ; good-bye. Jt la
God's way ; His will be done. "
Then his mind began to wander and
soon lie completely lost consciousness.
Ills life was prolonged for hours by the
administration of oxygen , and the
prtMilent finally expressed a desire to
be allowed to die. About 8:30 : the ad
ministration of oxygen ceased and the
pulse grcs\ fainter and fainter. He
was sinking gradually , like a child , In
to the eternal slumber. By 10 o'clock
the pulse could no longer be felt in his
extremities and they grew cold.
No Pltj In HIT Henri.
CHICAGO , Sept. N. When shown
the Associated press dispatch announc
ing the inevitable death of the presi
dent , Emma Goldman , the anarchist
lecturer , now being held at the Harri
son street station , carefully adjusted
tier glasses , read the bulletin , and af
ter a monent's pause without a change
of expression , said :
"Very sorry , " Absolutely no shade
of regret or pity showed itself upon
her countenance.
- /
NKMHA8KA NOTKS
Kearney will hold a coursing meet )
K-lobcr i2. !
A telephone exchange has been ca-
abllshed at Couglas.
There Is a new state bank wlch $25 ,
(00 ( oapltol stock at valentine.
The suuar beet factories will start
ip ut Fremont in a few days.
St. Ed wards will have electric lights
vltliin thirty days , or the Sun misses
its guess.
At a cost of $18,700 , sixty now steel
; ellH have been placed in the utato
jcultenclary ,
A private telephone exchange IB be- '
ng put I nut Battle Greek , and now1
the women pay calls by wire. '
Although De Witt has had a curfew
nrdlnanco and' bell for two yeirs , it is
said that the" bell has never bceu
rung.
A watermelon party was given at
Humphrey the other night. Over 200
rthlldrcn were present and ICO melons
were consumed.
The champion corn buskers , who
can gather 200 bushels in one day ,
will be watched with a great deal ol
interest this ( all.
The Stan ton Register bos given U |
the Idea of trying to run a semi *
weekly paper and it will hereafter ap
pear but once a week.
Albert Anderson , a lad of 15 , didn't
wait until the train stopped at Fro *
inoiit , but jumped oil and was knocked
senseless , lie may die.
Sixteen organs have been sold in
the country surrounding Long Pint
during the past year. This isn't ' M
bud for sand-hill country.
A little North Plutto girl stuck a
crochet needle into her hand and tin
hook fastened over a muscle. A
physician was required > to remove It
A woman at Glcnovor plead gulltj
to the charge of putting concentrated
lye on the legs of her neighbor's horna
because she was mad at tiie neighbor.
The young lad killed in a wreck a
few dajs ago at Columbus , Is thought
to have been Frank Burnlek of Chica
go , who mysteriously left his horns
some weeks ago.
Paul Adol , who was occupying a cell
in the Slunton jail on a charge ol
stealing some wheat , took French
leave one night , without leaving auj
clue as to how be did it.
People In Beatrice who own house !
three stories or more high , and hav <
not piovldcd them with lire escapes ,
have been notllled by Labor Commis
sioner Watson u > comply with the law.
John Els , one of the well known
farmers near llumbolt lost seventeen
head of cattle , supposed to have been
caused by eating cane fodder , the ani
mals having just been turned into
the Held.
,
Sandy Morlson of the Eagle Heacoc
"knows who the cowardly gosslpen
are" in that town , and If they don't
stop talking lie Is going to publish
their names , Unit the world may kno\\
who they are.
It lias been found that the soil ol
Illinois Is not adapted to the oultur
of the sugar beet , and hereafter tin
manufacture of beet sugar will hi
con lined largely t'j the stales of Ne
braska and Colorado.
A party of hunters who went hunt >
Ing for prairie chickens near Bruns
wick accidentally set lire to the pralrU
grass and burned several tons of hay.
It Is reported that they will be prose
cuted for violating the game law.
The Cody Cowboy wants a devil foi
the ofllce , but the editor wants It dis
tinctly understood "that we cannel
extend to him the prlvlllgo of indulg
ing in the pastime of 'boosting' dur
ing the time lie ought to be ut work/ "W.
The fact that so many young people
In the state are prepared to attend
the normal school or some of the
higher educational institutions this
fall Is taken as an undisputed indica
tion of prosperity.
Few people realize the extent ol
irrigation In Nebraska. A statement
compiled by the state irrigation en
gineer show that there are 4,000 mllei
of Irrigation ditches in the state. Tin
estimated cost is $ > ,8IM)34 ) ! ) and In
creasing value of land in irrigated dis
tricts $10,8i,310. ! ) At this rate Irri
gation pays.
The training school at Columbus foi
nurses , the establishment ot which ii
connection with the St. Mary's hospi
tal has been under consideration for
several months , was formally opened
at St. Francis academy with lining
exercises , keenly enjoyed by twenty-
live especially Invited gentlemen
guests prominently identified with
business and prolessional life thercand
in position properly to appreciate and
encourage so worthy an enterprise
Dr. 0. D. Evans , surgeon general 01
the government's stall and the leadIng -
Ing spirit In this undertaking , wai
master of ceremonies and announced
the purpose of the organization.
Gus Herman , a German ; n year ot
age , became insane near Miltord a fcv *
days ago and was brought to Seward.
At 0 o'clock Tuesday night he escaped
from the county clerk's olllce , but wai
recaptured after a hard chase in tin
rain. Ills face and hands were badlj
cut by breaking a window lie wai
violent all night. He was handcuffed
and taken to the asylum In Lincoln.
Once before he became deranged and
walked to Oklahoma before ho wai
caught ,