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About Custer County Republican. (Broken Bow, Neb.) 1882-1921 | View Entire Issue (April 4, 1901)
aXJMOE OF THE WEEK TORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN THE PRESS. dd , Carlotla ) aud Laughable I'huiee CUnainii Nature Uruiihtcullj 1'or- trajcd by Kuiluctit Word ArtlnU of Oar Una l > ay-A liudcet of Vua. Fanner Sklutlint ( reading sign ) Bye- lght tested free uv charge. By goahl MamlyIn I go nn' find out If it's hurt- In * uiy eyesight tew rend the paper. Mandy An' If it Is , nre yew goln * to quander good money on spectacles ? Farmer Skinflint No , sir-eel I'm go- In * tew give up the paper. Brooklyn Life. Why They Wcnr lints. "Do yon think , Minnie , that men are bald because they always wear their bats ? " "Oh , nol They always wear their hntfl boon use they are bald 1" Das Klelno Wltzulatt Horrible Thought. "He don't take no notice of me when I'm pushirr de baby aroun' . Ohl horrible rible thought ! I wonder If he thinks I'm married ? Then Tt Oronn Monotonous. Friend This free-and-easy , Bohe mian style of living must be very pleasant. Artist It is when you nro not com pelled to live that way. Judge. What lie Wnntcd. Bhc Take care , Alfred ; that isn't the care for seasickness. Don't you see the bottle la marked "Poison ? " He ( groaning ) That's the one I wont. London Tit-Bits. Ail K ay One. Mr. Asklt How Is it that no matter fcow suinll a chunk of Ice I get it aV ways weighs thirty pounds ? Iceman That's as low as the scales gt ) , m' friend. Baltimore American. Quite the Contrary. Klndllman What's the matter , my flttlo man ? You seem to be In great t > aln. Little Boy ( groaning dismally ) No , I idn't , but dey seems ter be a great pain la me. Pldladelphla Press. College Yell * . Successful Farmer ( whose son has been to college ) What was all that howlln * you was doln' out In th' grove ? Cultured Son I was merely showing Miss Bright-eyes what a college yell Is like. like.Farmer Farmer Wall , 1 swan ! Colleges IH pome good after nil. I'm goln' Into town to ecll some truck to-morrow. You kin go along an' do th' caJllu' . K w York Weekly. For the Cliriatuuts Itecaar. Tliere'B a beggar at the door ; shall I give LIui anything ? " "Give hlai our bath tickets that are toft over. It's too cold now , anyhow. " Bfcactlcr. Same Quent. Alkali Ike Say 1 kid , I've come to Kck the editor. OUlce Boy Just take a seat , sir ; chore re three others ahead of you. Whip Open. Brlggs Well , old man , how Is that Autlrors' dub of yours getting on ? Grlggs First ratu. We have made a rule that no one can belong to It unless be has written a book. "la that BO ? I had an idea thut it an exclusive affair. " Life. te Thronuh * Bill the Bite Kvcr go through a railroad - road collision ? Jake the Jonah Naw. Best ever I done was to go through the passengers after the collision. Indianapolis Press. A e 'tis' . "So you let your leading man go ? " "I liad to , " answered Stoi ulngton Borneo. "Rewas too reolisLj iu uU Meaa. " "Interfered with your work on 'h tiger "No , not on the stage. In the box Alce. He wanted z &l money. " Star. Itccnmlncr 1'erionnl. * Afr. Saphcd Aw do you bwellcve jiawt monkeys tawk , Ml&s Smawt ? Miss Smart 1 know tky talk I iave heard them. Ohio State .Tourual. Too 'I rue. Nodd How do you like your countrj home ? Todd It's a great place. The oulj drawback la that I can't sell it. liar pcr's Ba/.ar. 'I lie Only Mire Kind. Lady I want a Uog that will look terribly Ilerce , but won't ever bite. Dealer ( meditatively ) I guea you'd better get an Iron out' , mum. New York Weekly. _ Moilnrii 'Icrin. "I would be your devoted Kerranl forever ! " he pleaded. "That sounds so old-fashlonedl" laughed she. "Well- your devoted help , then ! " ex claimed the youth. Detroit Journal. No Liter irv Knitic Ltkelr. Of a Xorthcrn author who reccntlj * Inherited a fortune an exchange saysl "He Is too rich to write now. " Well , there are still a few of 'om ivlifl are poor enough to keep tugging at lt.- Atlauta Coiistltutlou. AM Kuril * He ( Sot. Asklt So you're writing for the mag1 azlucs ; what success are you having ? Wright Oh , varying. Asklt Ueally ? Wright Yes ; BOIUO of my stuff is dc * cllnvd 'Jwlth regrets" and some "with thanka. " Philadelphia Press. The Klntt rcr. "Yes , that cheeky young Wlutergrcen made a friend of thi haughty ilrs. Do Young the verj1 Qrsl time he met herl" "How did he do It ? " "He asked her If her hair wasn't prei maturely gray. " Cleveland Plain Deall er. It IT p. "Junson has developed Into a con firmed kicker , but his wife can handle him every time. lie kicked last nlghl because his dluncr was cold. " "What was his wife's play ? " "She made It hot for him. " Brook lyu Life. Well Recommended. Mistress You say you are well rec * ommendetl ? Maid Indeed , ma'am , I have thirty ! nine excellent references. Mistress And you have been In do mestlc service ? Maid Two years , ma'am. Evening Times. After the Hull. Ho Colonel Hugglns , whom you met this evening , took a prominent part In q recent engagement She Yes ; I noticed smokeless powdef on the Inpel of his coat I nappreclnt-il Actlrlty. " 1 tell jrou that Idleness doesn't pay , The surest way for a person to get ahead Is to keep nioTlug. " "I fancy you'ro right. That's the waj four of my tenants got ahead of m < last week. " Stray Stories. It IH I-uiinv. Greene funny about the magazine * Gray What's ftinnyV Greene That they should put 4 maiii pages of reading matter between ) the advertising pages. Boston Tran script. Getting Old. Despondent Fair One Do you knowi dear , I'm afraid 1 mu t be getting verj olcL Consoling Friend Nonmnie. clarllug' Why do you thing so ? Despondent Fair One Because ' pie are beginning to tell me how young I am looking ! Punch. A Popular DeiuniiHtrntloti. Hamact Yes , sir. The audiencii went A\"Ud Why , after the show al tlie people refused to go home , bu stoml in the lobby and shouted Footlltes For their money back- Baltimore American. A hk ( | itlc. "Do you think , " remarked the caller , "that the moon really han any Intlu- ence on humanity ? " "No , " said Mr > . l4Us-hforUi , wU a pa thetic llttlo sigh. "I do not. If he got full only at the same time the moon dlii , I think I would tind lit'c much leoi of a burdoiL'1 Indlaiiupolis Ptvst. Not That Kin 1. Angry Politician I ouk h > io , I've H good mind to have you arrested for 11 bell What do you iwan by picturing me OH you have ? Cartoonist But the picture looks like you. Angry Politician I know it does ! I know it deed ! But do I look like a man ( who likes to look at himself ? -Modern Society. In HU Heid. Professor ( to student of surgery ) 1'lvaso inform the class of the namea of boiica forming the skull. Student- er 1 do not at Uie pres ent time remember , but I know that I have them all In iny bead. ( Uproar ID Journal. Several families have left Bostwick and will locate in Alberta , Canada. A Frenchman will stuck a farm near Tumor with skunks , minks nnd inusk- tat. tat.Two Two families living In the country near Wood llivcr Iwvo been tiikon do\vn with smallpox. A company has been Incorporatcdt build a telephone line from Ainsworth to Keya Puha county. Frccniont will entertain the unnnnl tournament of the volunteer tlrcmcn of JS'cbiaskti , July 10 to 18. Alfred Marris , who lias returned to Otnahu from tlie Philippines , WHS In 153 skirmishes and escaped unhurt. The Burlington Railroad company will put In : i semaphore at the Mis souri Pueitio crossing at Louisville. A new telephone system is being put In at O'Neil by local parties. It will bo extended to surrounding towns. Hugh D. Schultz , of Beatrice , who bas been admitted to West Point , hud Jightcen months' service in the Phil' ippines. \V. T. Mlesnerol'Omuha has secured the contract for1 the erection of the new court house : it Valentine. Tlie contiuct price is $13,970. A new church building Is to be erected ut Meadow Grove in Miidison county to be known as the Mount Buite Methodist church. The Pierce County Loatlci encour ages the whittling sucletof Pierceby jtfcrlng to give a new j-ick knife to svery subscriber paying one year in advance. Willie Dickinson , the 17-year-old sou DC John Dickinson , ; i tanner residing near Klmwood , bid farewell to his pii- rental home and has not been heard offer for over a week. The city council at limning raised tlie salary of the city marshal from $15. to SoO. pur year , and now there is a general hustle among aspirants for the otllcc this spring. North Uend has decided to refund Its bonded indebtedness at a lower rate of interest. The debt is $0,000. Of this $2.000 will be paid oil' and new bonds Issued for the remainder The publishers of Cass county arc talking of organising a local associa tion for the purpaso of gutting togeth er and discussing the meuts and demerits of their respective publica tions. There is an unusual amount of real cs'ate transfers in Madison county this spring , mostly in farm land. Battle Greek is one of Madison's best towns , and is also experiencing a re vival in icality this spring , TlicNlobrara Irrigation and Water PeTer company lias called for a 10 per cent assessment on tlie 660,000 capi tal stock of tlie companyTlie money will be used to do the preliminary work of improving tlie water power. The Dodge Crltcron says thcie was no preaching at tlie Stanton Congre gational church last Sunday because the preacher had bjcn cxpoictl to the smallpox at a wedding. Th.it must ) be clicerlngnewsto the wedding party. There is conKidi'iable comment and no end of dissatisfaction among tlie otllcers of the Home of tlie Feeble Minded Institute at Beatrice , over the action of the house in reducing the ap propriation for fuel and lights from $18,000. to SlO.OlH ) . The outlook for crops of all kinds iu Kichardsou county Is said to be thq best in years. Winter wheat Ls in splendid condit on , the fruit has not been damaged in the least up to daw and the soil could not bu In better shape for spring work. Tlie National Starch company at Nebraska City will increase Us stock $50,000 this summer , and when the new additions are built to the struct ure the number of employees vrill be doubled. Tlie company will secure all the material in tlie buildings aud all the help from the home town The papers of Platte county are complaining that some one lias been dumping a lot of opossums in that part of the state , and now they are as thick along the Loup liveras rabbits. Over a dozen have been captured in the past week , and new 'possum and sweet po tatoes Is the favoiite dish in Platte county. A partyol live from West Virginia which recently arrived at Kearney , presented orders at the Union Pacltlo [ depot and askrd for a rebate of $10. on I each ticket. They were refused. ! They had purchased tickets of a ' scalper and had been given an order fora rebate to that amount , which lie told them the company would pay. A stock company has been organized nt Auburn to erect a three story brick [ hotel to cost $18,000. Robert liyers , un old hotel man. puts up part of the money and signs a long time lease on the property. Auburn lias long necd- jd a goofl hotel , capable of accommodating - ' dating more people than any now In the town and when Mr. Byers made tin cltr/ons the proposition they took ' .il ii ip ai < iiico The Uiy I our "a local society in Hloomlngtun. tluroatcns to crawl over Lb4 fence ami Into the yard of the ed itor of th * Prickly Pear and sing un der his \rlndow one of UICSM nights , whereupon the editor declares if they do he will turn hisoiilce dog loose with Instructions to bring home all the } ullt pieces he can ge' hold of. Fremont has been declared by Ooy- ernpr Dietrich , to be a city of the first class , It havtag a population of over 1 5.000 and IcKS than 25.000 A gulvk AVItU-d Culuiicl. An amusing story Illustrating Brit ish oillclallsm comes from South Africa , and will bear repeating. The colonel of a pioneer regiment , repairIng - Ing the railroad after one of General Depot's many bieaktujes , descovered a line empty house , which he proceeded to occupy as headquarters. When the news of the colonel's com fortable quarters reached Hloemrori' teln he rccelU'd a telegram which read : "G. T. M. wants house. " The colonel was unable to maku out what "G. T. M. " meant , and inquired of olllcers , who transiated-it "Geneial Tratne Manager. " "All right , " said the colonel , "If he can use hieroglyphics so can I " So lie wired hack : "H.T. M. canG. T. 11. " Two dajs later he received a dis patch froniBloemfonteln ordering him to attend a board of Inquiry. On ap pearing in duo course lie was asked what he meant by sending such an In sulting message to a superloi olllcer , "Insulting , " repeated tlie colonel , innocently ; "it was nothing of the kind. " "Hut what do you moan."demanded his superior , "by telling me 1 can "U. T. 11. ? " "It was simply an abrevlatlon , " re plied tlie colonel. ' G. T. M. ( general traillo manager ) win G. T. II. ( get the house ) . " New York Herald. The li > or Opcnml Tounrtl Him. A New Orleans law ) or who wis re cently asked to talk to the boys of a business school prefaced his address by a few ex tern ix > re remarks. "My yoiinirfriends , " i.v MI- - ' . "as I appioached the entrance to this room 1 noticed on the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an h- stitutlonof this kind. It expresses the one thing most useful to the aver age man when ho steps into the arena ol'lilo. It was " "Pull" shouted the boys , with a roar of laughter , while the horrllied poli tician recognized that he had taken ills tou trom tlie wrong side of the door , UcafnfHS Uiiiinut In ? t/'urril bv local implications , us they cannot ivauh llio diseased portion of tliu cur. There la only one wny to cure Dcalncas , and tluit is bv coiiHtimtioiml remedies. JK-ufness Is caused by un Inlliuued condition of thu HHKIHIS lining or the Knsimhiin Tube. \Vlxn tliia tube is inllained you havu n rumbling sound or imprrleut hViiriui ; , and uhi'ii it is entirely closed Dcnlnuas is tliu result nnd iinlc * tlie inllnnuitton uun be taken out and thiH tube restored to iis normal condition , hearing will bo doatroj - ed lorever ; nine cases out ot ton arc uimsod by catarrh , \vliieli is nothing but an m- llunied condition o' ' the muoiM * surlae.es. We will give One llundrod Dollar * for any cnsc of Dcalness ( caused by uutnrrbj thai cannot bo cured by Hull a OaturrU Cure.end ! ior circulars , trou. l'J. . OIIUN'KY \ CO. , Toledo , O. Sold by Druggists , 7.r > o. CIIIIHO for Alarm. Physician ( to patient's son-in-law ) "It pains me to tell you , but you must prepare yourself to hear the worst. " Son-in-law "Oh ! doctor , you don't moan to say there is hope for her re- zovevy ? " Pittsburg Press. A MtifK'1 tl < > ii. Woman ( on railway train ) "Hush ! huRhl Therol therel IJahy bye ! * * I don't know what to do sometimes. The more 1 work with him , the worse be cries. " Quiet Passenger ( benevolently ) Have you er ever tried chloroform'1' " Stranger You must find it very lonesome on these hills. Shepherd Lonely ? No. 1 don't. Why , there was a man au' a 'oss passed yesterday , an' there's you today. Urtt lllutxl 1'urlfler In Hi * world , Iteclpv IIM , To ( VriniunJ < iie * > , bure , quIcK , lUriiikss , lieolx | ) tic. Sttr SpiilMtjr Co. (17 > T. mil St. , Chi. ago. The Jtipanunoimv ) nan tjcunylwnged 'to such an extent that I IS people are said to ho becoming Just a bit anxious to test Its cllluloney. It has hct'ii estimated that 1,000,000 of brand now < lvo , dolUi bills , or hlU * of any other denomination will weigh 2,170 , 2-11 pounds avoirdupois. I am sure Plso's Cure ( or Consump tion saved my life three years ago. Mr.Thus. . Uobbins , Maple street , Norwich , N. V. , Kob. 17 , LUOO. The scarcity of elephants in India may bo Inferred from the fact that In 2S.'Ifi au elephant could be bought there for 822r ; now the price has advanced to $1,000. _ All Roods nro alike to PUTNAM FADHUGSS OVKS , nh they color nil tlbors at one boiling. Sold by druggUK II In iMHi > Vil-ilN. Spokesman- Madam , wo are a com mittee fiom the volunteer lire depart ment of which your late lamented j husband was the late lamented chief , and we called to express our sympathy Widow O , it's so kind aud good of you , I knew Monry was thinking of you when ho passed away , for just be fore the cn.l came he rose up iu bed , with a fa roll" look In his eyes , and shouted : "Turn In a second alarm ! Wo can't handle this lire without help ! " Baltimore American. CarH-r'H Juk IHVS I for ehoul , home ami otllcc. It coils no more than puor In ! ; , Always nsk for Mrs SU'opyl/.e Henry , tlie alarm clock Just went oil' . Mr. Slcppylze Thank goodness ! I hope tli1 thing'll never come back. Columbus ( O. ) State Journal. When a man's food won't agree with him ho himself will rarely agree with an j iino. _ If You limn Itlimiiimtlftm Soml nu manrr , > > t wrllnto Dr. Hlionp , Hnclno , Win. , ! in 1U , for , i hattlcnot Dr. Hliogn'i ItliouinHtloOuro. il > r . . pulil. If cu nl imj $5W. It nut , It li f rM. A young lady visiting town dropped into one of our stores the other day and said : "It Is my desire to obtain a pair of circular elastic appendages capable of being contracted and ex panded by means of asellllatlng bur nished steel appliances thai sparkle like particles of gold leaf .scl with Alaska diamonds , and which are utll- l/.cd for keeping in position the liabl- lamcnts of the lower extremities which innate delicacy forbids mo to mention. " Frank just had tlmo to hand her a pair of garters before col lapsing. Pierce County Leader. Mm. WliuloH'g H0011IINO BY HUP for children t < rilling , imriiMii the KOIIH. iwlucm i InlUmatlOn , allaye imlu , curoH wind mile. < & 0 botlta. Tommy KIIUW. Teacher "Thomas " , whatarc"parts of speech ? " Tommy Tucker ( aftar an exhaust ive mental ellort ) "J'Ls the way a man talks when lie stutters. " It Is said that gray horses live longer than those of any other color. CITO r < TiiiniiMitljrCurMl Nc > fltioriifrTonin M frr rl I u tlrxt ( liiy'K mu or Dr. Klliin'n ( lr C Aorto Hv iilorrr K-olf'1 FIII'.i:4i'J : OI > 'rliithnUlu.iiulli ill-ti 1)11. U. It KUSti l.til.VJlA.-'M. , I'lilUiJeliiUlK 1'a. 1 EXCURSION RATES to We > t rn Oanuilunutl r r- lloulnn m to how to iqourr ICOncroof thab t WliMl Kronlnit ln > t on th * Contl iiantcan b curud on ap. iillcntlau to tb Huinrln Undent of ImmUrillon Oiinwo , OanxU , or tlie on ilnrrlKiinil. Hp ul Hi cui. duotitd iiicutmlon * nil ) lento Ut. raul , Minn. , on til * 1. nil 8d TutiuUr In h month , aim ipeolallr low rutrn on B | | llneinf rutlwnynro IwlnKqaotod for iionnilou InarluaSt. I'aulon Murch 28th nnd April 4th , tor Maul tobm Autnlbola , Hukutcbavfan nml Albertn. Wrltu to K. I'eJIny. Supt. IminlKratlun , Ottnnu O.iiKtdn , or the undersluncd , wlio will mall yen dtliuoi , pninplitfltii , ntn. , trcoof coit : W , V. Him unit , 601 New York lAta Ilulldlnp , Omnhn , Kc liraika , ARunt fur thu CloTiriiment : of CnDitd . KicUMluui to Woitern Caniid * dnr- Ine March and Aurll. ' ' WOMEN MUST SLEEP , Avoid Nervous Prostratlon- K von nro danuorouaiv sick what it the rtr t duty of ' -iir physician ? H quiets llto nc'rvnu.vntcm , he doatteus tlio pain , tt'iil y > u i-i-p well. Friends iisk , "xvhnt Is the canaot" nnd the nnuwcr eomos In pitying tout's , iiervons prostration. It cam * upon you so ( inletly in the beginning , 5 t that you \vcro not alarmed , nnd when , bleep dcnurtcd you night after nlgk * until your eyes fairly burned In th * darkness , then you tossed in norrou- , u agony praying for kop. Mil * A. llAUTI.lSV. You ought to havu known thntt when you ceased to bo regular in your courses , nnd you gtvw irritable wltli- * out cnusu , that thorn way sorloua trouble Mimowliure You ought to know that indigestion , exhaustion , womb displacement * , fainting , ( lt/.7.iiuus , hcnduulie , aud biiekaclte bond the nerves wild wltfc. ( UYrlght , and you cannot sleep. Airs. Hartley'of 221 W. Congress St. , Chicago , 111. , whosu portrait wo pub lish , NitiTered all these agonies , and was entirely cured by Lyuia K. Piult- hatn's Vegetable Compound ; her can should be a warning to others , and her euro curry conviction to the mind * of every suffering woman of the un failing efficiency of LydlaE. Piukhatn'f Vegetable. Compound. The national debt of Norwaj amounts to ubout $00.000,000. - GREEN costs 25 cents f per TON I Greatest. Cheapest food on HartJi lor Sleep , Slne. Gallic , I'oiillry.ctc. Will I * ninth ( too U joe t wU < fk > t ' Doctor Grnim nlll | K > 'lilveljr in < V jou rich ) II IUM ofitf iillbtfti > f pt-ltini f * < r , io t ! tronii % IV aoal , Ppt us (4w Ln. toiottO ! ku. etu i tr * . , ) ! < , tlt. Forttiis Notlconntl 10o. ii ! I IU c | i < > ti < t lOlilraFMJ Mnlllfi , fully'wutliUOlo ( it uw ( . - * * & ? IV r 1 If. J i > l n.1M Vf t U nJ S It UlUnt fUmtr { < ! i . kijn cj tatlcg. JOHN ASALZER ; SEED Co , tWBC L : - Of. Double Daily Service FREE REDLINING CHAIR CARS ON NIGHT TRAINS. For Informitlon or Rttii , cell upon or niiriil Ajent , or S. M. ADSIT , 0. l > . A. , ST. JOSEPH , MO. EDUCATE YOUR Don't neglect the slightest sign of irregularity but see that you have at least one natural , easy movement a day. Pills , salts and black draughts are dangerous because they strain and weaken the bowels , wliat you want is a mild but sure tonic laxative , that tones and strengthens the bowels and stimulates their movements. Such a laxative is CASCARETS , and when you try them , you will find that it is the easiest thing in the world to make and keep your bowels clean and regular , strong and healthy. Sample box JOc , Month's treatment 50c. By keeping the bowels clean , all serious disorders are PREVENTED BY JOc , 25c. 50c. NEVER ALL DRUGGISTS. SOLD IN BULK. 11 boTVel troubles , nnpcnilleltliv , bll- CURE luuinu * * , bad breath , bad blood , wind oil tbo itomach , blontod bo\vel , foul nioacb. Iieudaclie. ludltrotluii , plrnploi , people than all other dleae together. _ tarter for the chronic ailment * and loujf year * ot iifTcrlng that come afterward * . No mutter what all * yon , * tart laklne OASCAHItTS to-dajr , for yon Will never get well and bevell all tbe time until you put your bowel * right. Take oar advleu ; itart With CA6CABUT8 to-day , under an absolute i a&tae to euro > or mouay rerauded. lli drat box 0 ? 2 > ANCAil > . . . . It la aver alx rallllou tioxea yrnr. irreMter tunn nny Imllnr tnedlcinn In the world , Tula la iibaulute i roofof VrvHt merit , unit our beat testimonial. 1 > n Imvn lultll aud will aell OAHOAIIET.H Hbaolutely Bunrunteed la euro or money refunded. Uubuy toiluy , twoCOo tioxri , nlvetbem * fulr , lioneat trlul , ua peralmnla dlreettona , and If you are Bet aatUHrd , uftrr mliiir oneOOobox. raturutbe unuiedftOo l > ox tnd tba m ty born to ua by mall , or tba tlrungtit front whom you nnrcliuaed It , and net your money back for both boxe * . Takeo4in > dlcr uomatiervtiatullayou tart" day. ITaallh will qntrkly fotloir nnd you will bleaa tbe C youflrataturt dtheii < eofOAHCAUK'r8. llookfreabyiai ladrtui bTKUU.NQ UKUKDI CO. , NKW 10U& or I'UllUUO.