THE HERALD.
T. J.O'KEEFE, Publisher.
1IEMINGF0KD, - NEBRASKA
NEBRASKA NEWS.
Miss Flcdn Mnckle of Osceola fell and
bioke her forearm.
Judge Tlbbctts has not yet filed his
report of the hearing on tho "charges"
filed nnd lied from by "Dr" Rosewatcr
against three members of the Omaha
fire nnd police board. Tho transcript
of the testimony has not yet been com
pleted by George Corcoran, the stcno
irraphcr who took It.
A large barn, about tho best building
ftt Grand Island on the Hall county
fair grounds, was destroyed by fire.
There was no insurance. Tho bnrn
Is the property of Mr. Tarbox. Tho
Iobo Is perhaps TOO. The origin of
the fire Is suposcd to He In tramps
building a fire In tho barn.
John Northcutt, an need farmer living
twelve miles cast of Humboldt, died
on Sunday and was burled from tho
Btratton Baptist church. Mr. Northcutt
had been a resident of Richardson
county for the last thirty years and
was nearly 93 years of age at the time
of his death. Ho leaves a son In this
city who 1b about 70 years old.
Bcllevue college reopened with a good
attendance present and all the faculty,
na President Kerr returned Saturday
from the cast, where he hns been solic
iting funds for the Institution. W.
E. Hannan of the sophomore class, has
been chosen to represent the college at
the state oratorical contest, to be held
at Crete April 8.
A son of W. II. Hawlcy of Elkhorn
township was accidentally shot and
killed while out hunting with several
other boys. The accident occurred about
elx miles cast of this city. Coroner
Martin was notified this morning and
an Inquest will bo held this afternoon.
The boy was about 15 years old.
The triennial social and banquet of
Wood Itlver, Blbbon, Ravenna and
Bhclton lodges, Knights of Pythias, was
held at Sholton. Over fifty members
were In attendance. Secret work was
conferred In two degrees first nnd sec
ondafter which an elegant supper was
served.
"Wilcox and community Is raising a
donation of $2,000 for tho erection of
a flouring mill, which is to cost when
completed $12,000. Orr Bros, of Clay
Center are tho prospective parties.
There Is no doubt but tho necesary
amount will be raised.
W. II. Ackerman, a prominent farmer
and stock raiser residing four miles
southwest of Stanton, while trying to
catch a colt on the farm of II. N. "Way.
two and one-half miles south of
there, was kicked over the stomach and
Instantly killed. Mr. Ackerman leaves
a wife and seven children In good cir
cumstances. Phillip R. Illldobrnnd of Hartlngton
was sentenced to six years In the peni
tentiary on the charge of Incest. This
case was to have been tried last term,
but the main witness was spirited away
out was found In Knox county by tho
sheriff and brought back. Hildebrand
1b 68 years of ago and served In tho
war, three months of which were spent
In Llbby prison.
William A. Norton, an old and re
spected citizen of Arlington, died from
heart failure. Mrs. L. L. Lease, his
daughter, with whom ho lived, went
to the postofllce, a distance of two
blocks, nnd left the otd gentleman
Bitting In his nrm chair rending, In
apparently good health. On her re
turn In a very few minutes he was In
tho same poslton, with the exception
that the book ho wns reading was on
the floor nnd his heart had stopped
beating,
Congressman Stark of the Fourth Ne
braska dlhtilct has named Henry Leo
Bowlby of Crete, ion of C. J. Bowlby,
owner of the Democrat of that place,
to be cadei at West Point. Henry
Bowlby will go to Fort Crook tomorrow
to take the physical examination. He
Is at present a student at the state
university, and If tho physical test
Is satisfactory he will report at the
Point next Juno for examination for
admission to tho academy. Lemuel L.
Grlgg of Osceola Is named by Con
gressman Stark as alternate.
A meeting preliminary to the organi
zation of the proposed enlistment of
tho able-bodied citizens who wish to
testify their willingness to bear arms
In case of war, as proposed by the pro
moters of the volunteer reserve organi
zation, was held ut Q. A. R. hall in
Lincoln. The officers of the Grand
Army of the Republic are actively en
gaged in putting In operation the plan
proposed and the original proposers of
the scheme are old soldiers of the late
war. These, themselves, will not be
expected to sign the rolls, as the blanks
call for those between the ages of 18
and 45, and mast of the members of
the Grand Army of the Republic or
those who served In the wnr of the re
bellion are older than that. The old
soldiers, however, are ready to take
whatever part in the matter of defen
sive or offensive war they are fitted
for and their organization, It has been
understood from the first, would be
utilized to get the enlistment blanks
properly distributed and collected.
A tramp, who gave his name as
Homer Williams, was arrested at Wood
River nnd brought to Grand Island for
a preliminary hearing on the charge
of shooting with Intent to kllL Last
Saturday afternoon 5. F. Shlpton, re
siding near Wood River, was at work
In the field near his house. A little
daughter was alone In the house. She
had noticed a man lying alongside the
railroad track and watched him. He
started to come toward the house nnd
she locked herself In n bedroom. The
tramp entered the house, after which
she made her exit through an open
window and ran to the field to notify
her fnther. The latter went to the barn,
took down an old musket, which was
loaded but had no cap, and entered the
house. The tramp hud hidden In a
bedroom and when the farmer en
tered the same the stranger drew his
revolver and pulled the trigger. For
tunately the cartridge failed to ex
plode. The farmer managed to throw
the tramp out of the house, and after
the fellow had moved away some dis
tance he again turned and shot in the
direction of Mr. Shlpton. This time
the cartridge discharged Its bullet and
tt came whizzing uncomfortably close
.o Mr. Shlpton. The latter followed
the tramp until Wood River was
reached.when the marshal of the village
arrested the man. He has been bound
over to the district court In the sum
of $1,000, and was, of course, unable
io furnish bonds.
PROSPERITY FOR TRUSTS.
March vis an eventful month in lho Staggering nnd lurching about tho old
history of tniHts. J. Plerputit Morgan squatter's front ynrd wns a thin nnd
celebrated the first nnnlveisary of tho slckly-looklng mule, nnd now nnd thon
new administration by consummating the nntmnl would start In to utter a
plans for a gigantic w ire combine, tho orny and stop In such a sudden wny
capital stock of which will lie placed , u,at It was more like the sound of a
at not less than JfiO.O'W.ow. A material Hon's attempt to get out a roar. It
advance In the price of wire nails Im-j Was such a queer, uncanny scund that
mediately followed the at.iioUncement.ji 8p0ke to the squatter about it ono
This month also saw the formation day, and he looked over at the mulo
of the hay trust, which proposes to f0r awhile and then said.
control the product of Illinois. Indiana, "That was another of Colonel Bunk
Ohio nnd Michigan. The capital stacker's Ideas, and it was a dead failure,
is $5,000,000. All the big Indivldunl hay , Three months ago that was one of the
companies in the territory named nro sleekest, slickest mewls In till the state
to sell their business outright to tho 0f Arkansaw, and a dozen men was
trust, which In future will buy all tho Wnin to pny down $125 fur him. No
hny worth having In the slates and set body would gin $10 fur him today."
the price and control the sale of every jie seems to havo the blind Btng
ton or lond of It. Where Is the "In- gers," I said.
dependent" farmer now? F, W. Llpe, "tt ntn't no blind staggers, Bah, but
tho originator of the scheme, apolo- jffl j,8 fccliu'H. That yero mewl is
glzes for It In the following fashion: jCBt dyn' by Inches of a broken heart.
"Tho hoy business as It stands at i never stopped to think that mewls
the present time is so demoralized that hn,i feclln's to bo hurt 'till I begun
it Ib Impossible for any shipper to make . practlcln' on him. He's a Uvln' exam
anything out of It. It stands wlthlpic that a mewl knows when he ain't
yourselves whether you redeem your got a far Bhow. One day last spring,
lost cause or allow It to sink Into ob- wnen that critter was out yere klckin'
llvlon. Now Is the time to act. Many up j,3 neei nnd almost Jerkin' his
other kinds of business havo been ears ofr, Kurnel Bunker cum along and
forced Into combinations or to pool Btopped fur a drink. The kurnel Is
their Interests. Recently the wire mills BuU5 thirsty 'bout the time he gits
have been forced Into what Is termed along yere. Arter he'd taken a drink ho
a 'trust.' The cause of this wus that hooks at that mewl and says:
the Btnall manufacturers cut the prico '"Abe Hone, the Btate of Arkansaw
on tho wire until the profit was en-is
tlrelv lost in tho competition. Their
only remedy wns to control the product,
which they will do from this time on."
Then there Is tho proposed peanut
trust, the object of which will be to
control all the peanut cleaning fac
tories In the country, eighteen in Vir
ginia nnd seven in the west. It nlso
contemplates, If successful, the clos
ing up of those factories not paying or
unnecessary und a general cutting of
expenses.
It will not be long before we will be
eating trustified sardines. The Brook
lln Packing company of Brooklln, Me.,
has an option on all the sardine fac
tories In that state for un English
syndicate representing a capital of $3,
000,000. mm
MoKlnloy's Child Orator Starving
It Is sad to think that little Willie
Rodney, aged 7, Is starving to death
while William McKlnley, the man ho
helped to elect. 8 cat'"K dlnncra at
m nor ulate Little Willie Is tho boy
oratoPr who astonished and delighted
rniifnminrm with hlB snecchcs and pre- :
national honor last election time. In his
clear childish treble, Willie, perched
finnn an Imnrovlsed nlatform. drew ,
.liiBtrv of nillis teeming with brawny-
SmeTaKSppK
lULiui iL'a avutiiuiih w..n-- -.r -
SggmScMs
:,n ,"' ; ,.i ovn ivo.l.ln-the-wool
;"--n.r;: .v.;t wor shaken m
his mother sat lit her pretty rosecov
!d!?0 KJ" S,nnv auorLnaoUnrmafo?
2iu"iB ""."- - ' n thnso hannv
I1I5I CLULIuua ou... --. -.-"-
days a
mother
pittance
back
ntnnt
..ted meat for many a long day. They
owttcntho nsteo It V, 111..
nnd darned from head to foot. New
uiuuBua .in" """""- -7- : ' xt,., ,
Time,
Child Llfo In China.
We have all heard, In a general way,
of the cruelty of the Chinese In sum-
r-n,. ,1 1 annul n ir nf their diseased chll-
' . . . . i. !..,.. V
drcn and girl oaoies. just nu muui
truth there may be In such stories we
have probably never taken the trouble .
to Inquire, but now comes a traveler
from the land of slanting eyes nnd pig-
tails whose account of tho attitude of
llmUnil mnrantnl
iiiuiivu i....n....... --------.- - ,
the fathers love tneir itiitc onus, aim
lavish upon them many caresses. Tho
babies are pretty creatures and bright
and Intelligent. Many of the children
attend the Amerlcnn mission schools,
nnd imrents of the heathen faith, says
our informant, allow their children to
go to the "white devils" because of tho
advantage they gain In learning Kng-
llsh He does admit, however, that tho
little girls In China are less happy than
the boys being compelled, much as
they are In our own country among
.1.. i... .inuoa tn rnrrv nbout with
them a great baby, who Is more of a
weight than her little arms and body
can rightly support.
Fod Their Young.
n.nnovivfinln fnrinor. while cut
.i ,..h onw two foxes remaining
near a fallen tree. Upon approaching
the tree he discovered a largo limb
with a cavity. In which were two half-
crown foxes. Neither was able to
walk and evidently had never been out
of their place of imprisonment. It
seems probable that the foxes crawled
Into the hole in the limb when very
young and remained there until they
. .... i t-t
l'atent learner auppera Ka.i. ...
style. Fashionable bootmakers say that
they are to be worn with everything
this summer, from white duck suits to
ball gowns. They are modish and make
the feet look well. Kvery sw-eet has
its bitter, however, even when It comes
to footgear. Patent leather Is the cold-
est of all leathers In winter and the
hottest of all In summer. Chiropodists
say that It has thrown as much busl-
Fnto noof'luUst0" S?t
'women win '
Two men driving furiously north on
Garfleld avenuo In a buggy In Kansas
City ran over and seriously Injured
Mrs. Mary Herr. After Mrs. Herr had
been knocked down and was lying un-
conscious In the street, the men Jumped
In the buggy and drove on, without
waiting to see how badly the woman
had been hurt. She was picked up and
carried into a drug store, where Drs.
C. V. nnd E. V. Wedding attended her.
The doctors pronounced Mrs. Kerr's in-
Juries serious, if not fatal. She was
Injured internally, and her left hip
was badly dislocated. She was removed
to her home after the physicians had
examined her, where she Is now lying
la a critical condition.
Sf WUHeUsSe beVonS 1 ?s home and "nued the old man. "and I sorter felt
S-ViVi? pS. nfS2r Thorn was .bound to do sunthln'. I knowed the
u!". """. "";r.I" ," wmio'o Kurnel was rlcht 'bout thnt hrnvin-
?. S&.?r aty Wstair u? && SZ
. m..l.. UMlllrt'a - lWlUb kilt: lilll I1M.H LTIlt in
and Willie MS I HVins : in .a . areury u,ea ,ke a Md ,, 0, --";
"SKUSr Voher nor chUd has ---ork.n' on it, . If he couldn't
Chinese parents towaru ineir uubijuhb "j mun, numun uu cmiu in me nuu
Is aulte at variance with some of tho keiury will be speukin' yo'r name and
things we havo heard. He says that blesslii' yo'r genius.'
tho little Chinese are the objects of un- "That's the way he talked, sah," said
iiovotlon: esnec ally uo me squaiier. "ana or co'so I felt n. hit
had grown, so mai escape wus uuua- - ..-. ... .....w. . .
Bible They had been fed by the old rumpus. It wasn't no use, though. Ho
foxes through a very small aperture couldn't bray without llftln' his tall,
f .,r Vili. b and no mewl kin lift his tall with a
ill mi; inn".
THE.MUSIC OF THAT MULE.
achln' to build ye a monument fifty
feet high, nnd to call yo' the peartest
man bo'n doorln the last COO y'ars.'
" 'Fur why,' says I.
" 'Fur the reason that it's In yo'r
power to mnke this hull southern kent
ry a Garden of Eden. Thnr's that mewl
o' yours out thar'. He's slick and Bleek.
He's purty and he's useful. He's one
of the two mlllyun mewls In the south.
They add to our value and our pros
perity, and wo couldn't get along with
out 'em. Thar's Jest one drawback,
however. The mewl won't low like a
cow or neigh like a boss. He'a got a
brny of his own, and lt'a a dawg-gone,
pesky noise that makes wlmen shiver
and men cuss. If tho mewl could bo
got to sing or whistle or keep still,
this southland would bo the paradise
of the world.'
" 'And what hev I got to do with it7'
sez I.
" 'A heap,' sez the Kurnel. 'Yo've got
a mewl; yo've got land; yo've got time
? H.ands- Whnt y?' want to do ,3
$ dlsklver a way to stop the critters
. u8n e bray ' th,e mewl
t!lat B keepln' northern capital outer
ersfrom m.ttin? in ?i JSn.?,IefvJ"
e.rs rrom Pu"ln In the winter months
d.ow ycro ,n varus hotels. Abe Hope,
at5;0', she a-foelln and hopln' that
Khfm' "P SU nd 81Ve tMa
SH iE
"uu" "1 "Ke a cow or sing out like a
B. nouuy
a Qf a gu stopped to bray.
he. fust move was to lift his tall.
fn.nl8.ie way .with every mewl bo'n
a Vope and a brick to ttaf crtttirt
tlll tne fo thatccrttt.rt
seen ai once, ills ears llanued. his
eyes got heavy, and he didn't do no mo'
prancin' around. Once In awhile, fur
the fust day he'd start to bray, but
by the time he got his mouth open ho
remembered tho brick, und tho only
Bound that come out was a sort o' sigh.
i ocm woru io ivurnet liunKer by one o'
f!rl -! 'a til nnH,i ..l . i
v.w.uu.iD ibbus, uuu m Kurnet cum
over and looked ut the critter fur a
while and then said:
" 'Abe Hope, I'm goln' to start right
out tomorrer to raise subscriptions fur
that monument, fur within ten days
,1(V.i .... t i , ...... .,:.. T .."
h"vu ut.. j. nuum uiui ioiks nau oin
at work fur a hundred y'ars to stop
the bray of a mewl, and beln' I was
the fust to find out how, I had a right
to feel proud. The kurnel said that
the problem had bin solved. So long
'as a mewl's tall could bo held down
. he couldn't btay. When he was In
harness It could be held down; when
he was In the stable a rope and a brick
would do the blzness."
"Well, how did It work?" I queried,
as the old man mude a long pause.
I "Mighty auare iniKthy ouare." he
finally replied. "Arter a day that mewl
i bejrun to show that his feellln's was
hurt. He Just stopped and looked down
at the alrth In a lonesome, homesick
way, and now and then when he turned
his eyes on me, I could see tears In 'em.
Tne oio woman thought that shettln'
off his bray so mighty sudden would
Bin him the colic or sunthln', but 1 was
determined to hang right to it. I put
him in the shed and kept the brick to
his tall, and things was so quiet that
night that we almost got skeered. Next
day that mewl got ugly about It. He
was bo'n to bray, and he Just luved
the sound of hs own voice. He wasn't
goln' to lose It without a fout, and
six-pound brick tied to it. When that
rtiit1 llrtfillir rrln nn li 1 a tnio f ntn a
- iii to" utm i vv)
uroke The oIe Woman looks him over
ana gay8.
.. ,Abe Il0ne( mebbe yo' and Kurnell
BunUer j8 tne two peartest chaps in
Arj ansaw, but I don't believe It.'
.. .Haln-t we solved the problem?" I
8ays
,. .Yo.ve stopped that mewl from
brayln', shore nuff, but yo've ulso bro-
ken hIg neart IIe.n never b no .
ood ag a crtter.' "
, "And U that the result?" I asked as
I bones.
...phat'B the result, sah. Jest as soon
as I stopped his bray he lost his appe-
tite and umblshun. I couldn't git him
to trot under saddle, and he wouldn't
puil an empty cart In harness. I took
the brick off his tall arter a while, but
it was no use. He'd bin insulted and
injured, and he couldn't git over It.
ne was a mighty healthy mewl, and it
takes him a long time to die, but the
end is purty nigh yere."
"And what did Colonel Buhker say
about it?"
"Skassly nuthln sah. He cum over
and took a drink and looked at the
brick and at the mewi's tall, and he
couldn't make it out. I reckon nobody
can't Bee th good of a mewl's bray
nd why It should hurt him to stop It,
"Tlin .l. aA 1 il
I II nil T imitttr mlmt V. . tl 1 . .
but I'm tellln yo' Just how It all wbb.
If a man wns forbid to put his hnnds
In hlii pockets or whistle, mebbe it
would net on him Jest the same."
"Ami what did you say to Colonel
Bunker?"
"Shussly nuthln, sah skassly nuth
ln'. I Jest looked fioni him to tho
brick and the mewi's tull and back and
Bays.
" 'Kurnel, yo' needn't ralnd fussln'
around thnt monument fifty teet high.'
" 'Fur why?' says he.
" 'Fur the renson that I don't want
people lookln' up at It and axln' what
fule raised the money to build It, and
what other fule It wus built fur.' "
JOSH BILLINGS' PHILOSOPHY
Goor luk haz ruined mere men than
bad luk ever haz.
Those people who fish for others aro
the most apt to be caught themselfs.
The grate art of conversashun Iz to
kno when to llBten and when to talk.
Sho me the vainest man yu kan find,
and I will sho you one that beats nltn.
Thare ure no ones who git so tired
nnd disgusted with themselfs az the
lazy do.
Fame that yu kan't make yure bred
und butter out ov, Iz a kussed poor
Investment.
1 have seen people so nicely ballanced
In their constitutions that they waz
perfeckly happy, and didn't kno It.
Sekrets are a grate bore. We entrust
them to others, not so much for safe
keeping as to get rid of them.
Menny a man haz cast the lead to find
the depths ov misery; but git down az
low us yu kan yu will find others belo
yu.
I have studied sumtlme onto It, und
kan't tell yet, whether the most blund
ers we make cums from the hed or the
heart.
He who nlwuss wntches the suckcess
of others, nnd then hurrys to drop hlz
hook Into the same hole, seldom bags
much fish.
All mankind luv to be cheated, and
about the only shrewdness enny ov
them sho, Is to Insist upon being
cheatde in their own way.
The name ov Alexander will last az
long az the name of Washington; this
shows that thare are devlish few heros
az well as sulnted ones.
REFLECTIONS OF A ACHELOR
A husband Is a thing which is always
away Just when Its wife wants to con
sult It.
Whenever a girl tells a new man that
she never has known what love Is she
tries to blush.
There are some Ideas which a woman
can never express properly except with
her mouth full of hairpins.
When a girl acts absoibed and Inter
ested In another girl's love confidences
she Is only doing It so the other one
will when It Is her turn.
If Indian squaws were civilized they
would keep pictures of men thrown
around their rooms with things written
on the back instead of scalps.
A girl's heart can generally be sliced
up so It will go around among any num
ber, like a pie when there is company
nnd your wife Is nfraid your children
will overeat themselves.
WHY?
Why Is It that fast colors never run?
Why Isn't finding a diamond hard lut.-?
Why can't a painting be hanged until
after It Is executed?
Why doesn't some actor attempt tho
role of a steamship?
Why does one man ask another what
time it is, if time will tell?
Why It Is impossible to meet an old
lady who never had a love affair?
Why don't women use fishing-smacks
when they are angling for husbands?
Why shouldn't beer drinkers bo ar
rested for blowing the top off of
schooners?
Why don't glrl3 employed In match
factories get married sooner than other
girls?
Why Is It that men always look at
the face of a bride and women at her
clothes?
Prattle of tho Youngsters.
"If you are a good boy, Johnny, you
will surely go to heaven."
"That's what you told me last year.
I'd rather you'd promise me a goat
this year."
Mr. Kidder Johnny, the antrola
brought you a baby brother last night.
Little Johnny (whose nose Is out of
Joint) Hun! wish I'd been awake. I'd
have pounded the stuflln' out of them
angels.
Nurse Nettle, what does the bird In
the clock mean when it says "cuckoo"
eight times?
Nettle( who Is put to bed at 8) I dess
it means 'e nest is weddy.
His Mother (profoundly shocked)
Johnny, Johnny! You will break my
heart! That Is the most dreadful lan
guage I ever heard a little boy usel
Johnny We're playing street cars,
mamma, I'm the motorman an' Ben's
drlvin' a coal wagon an' won't get out
o' my way.
Annie was a polite little miss of 6
years and when one of her little play
mates told her thut she hnd been con
fined to the house for two days with
the toothache, Annie said: "I'm Just
awfully sorrp, for you must have en
Joyed a great deal of pain, didn't you,
Katie?"
"Now, by son," began the father the
next morning.
"Never mind the lecture, pop. Didn't
you ever paint the town?"
"Well, my boy, It's a great many
years ago at least fifty."
"Fifty years, pop! Don't you think
the town needed another coat?"
It was Nellie's first day at school
and Just before dismissing the pupils
for the day the teacher called the roll
and each little boy und girl In attend
ance promptly unswered "present."
When Nellie's name was called among
tho last, she said; "Please, ma'am I
didn't know we had to bring presents,
but I'll bring one tomorrow."
"The boys have the war fever much
worse than the men," explained the
clerk in the adjutant general's office of
the war department to a Washington
Star correspondent, "if we can Judge
from the number of letters we are now
receiving from persons who want to
'do Spain,' as several of them have
put It. For every letter we have re
ceived from men we have received three
from boys. They want to enlist as
trumpeters, buglers, drummers or any
thing else they can do. The boys who
live In seaport towns Incline to the
navy generally, but the boys from the
country want to do ben Ice In the army.
It happens.however.that as far as boys
are concerned we can do nothing for
them. The navy takes boys In their
apprentice and training ships, though
there are at all times twenty times as
many applicants as there are places
for them. The army, even If on war
footing, never enlists boys under 18
years of age. Of late years the boy has
dropped out as a drummer, for at every
post there Is a band, which does away
with the necessity of drummers."
All fungi. says"professor Jelllffe are
botanical beasts of prey. The types
that live upon the human body are
the germs that produce choltra, ty
phoid fever, consumption, etc. Yeajt
lives upon the flour and sugar in the
process of bread making, molds upon
fruits, preserves, etc. Toadstools and
mushrooms, the higher fungi, live on
decayed vegetable and animal matter
DUNUER museum.
I like der public to remember about
my museum. She vhns In two pieces.
One piece vhns a snloon In chnrge of
my son Shake, und der odder vhas dot
museum mltout any lager beer. Each
vhas a separate place, and you didn't
hnf to pny noddlngs to look nroundt.
I hnf some 'rubbles mlt my Stuffed
Hon. I put a sign on him: "Der king
of beasts," und last week a man comes
In und looks aroundt und looks ugly
und says:
"I vhas no mans to take n bluff! Who
told you dot lion vhas der king of der
beasts."
"I read It mlt some books."
"Vhell, I dispute Itl Take off dot
sign or I shall knock him out In one
round I I vhas der king of peasts my
Belf. I tried to arisue mlt him dot he vhas
no beast, but he kicks dot Btuffed Hon
all oafer my museum, und den cuts off
his tall and walks away mlt It. For
feefty dollur I buys a wax figure of
Napoleon crossing of der Albs. He
vhas clllmblng up mlt his feet und
waving a flag In his hnnd, und It glfs
me grent pleasure dot all der peoples
praise him. More ash one tousand peo
bles vhas delighted vhen a young man
comes In rnlt a back eye und Hmp3
aroundt und shptts over his shoulder
und says:
"Vhell, I don't beleef you hnf sooch
Bheek till I see him. How dare you
make me oop like dot und call me Na
poleon?" "My frendt, don'd you know some
tings?" says I. "Dot figure vhas der
great Napoleon, und he vhas valklng
oafer some mountings. Don't you nef
fer hear of Napoleon?"
"Neffer In all my life! Dat vhas met
Dot vhas my hair und eyes und bodyl
If you don't give me feefty dollars I
shall make him tired."
I Bhpeak with dot man more ash ten
minutes, but he gets madder all der
time. By-und-by he shumps In mlt a
right-hand swing und knocks Napoleon
all to pieces, und he nlso kicks me dree
dimes before he goes out. Nobody
finds Napoleon In my place any more. I
fix him oop ash vhell as I can und
mark him: "Der Tomb of Shapespear."
If somebody comes in and claims he
vhas der tomb I can't help it, und
shall call on der police to put him
oudt.
Two weeks ngo a man makes me dot
figure of Queen Elizabeth, und she
vhas so grand dot eaferybody vhas full
of praise. Some ladles come more ash
fife times to see her. Three days ago
a strange man comes In my place und
sees dot figure and says:
"Who vhas dot oldt gal in dor cor
ner?" "Dot vhas Queen Elizabeth."
"Vhas she deadt?"
"More ash one hoonered years."
"I can't beleef dot," he says. "If she
vhas deadt one hoonered years why
does she flirt mlt me? Don't you see
her wink her eyes? I guess I go oafer
und talk to her."
"I beg htm to keep avhay, but he
goes oafer und lifts dot Queen Eliza
beth oop und dnnces her aroun dot mu
seum, und poty qvlck her head und
arms und legs fall off, und she vhas in
ten pieces. I haf no more queens In my
place. I fix oop dot one und call her
"Dot Fisherman's Daughter," und meb
be somebody don'd flirt mlt her now.
For thirty dollars a man says he
vhlll make me sooch a wax policeman
as neffer vhas before, und I glf him der
shob. I put dot figure In der middle of
dot museum, und he vhas so lifelike
dot I almost shpeak to him. In two
days a feller comes in und looks
aroundt und says:
"I vhas like a lamb If somebody don't
fool mlt me, but If dnt cop tries to run
me In he vhas paralyzed forever more.
You shust glf him a pointer not to
take me for a spring chicken."
I lafft at him und explain dot It vhas
a wax figure, but ho walks aroundt
und gets mad und says:
"Vhell, I don't like his looks und I
vhas down on der hull gang! I vhlll
shust glf him a leetle token to remem
ber me by!"
Und he puts oop his hands und
shumps in und hits dot figure on der
Jaw und lays him oudt. He vhas going
to walk on him vhen I buys him oft
for one dollar. Dot policeman was too
lifelike, und so I fix him oafer mlt his
eyes shut. Pooty soon dot fat police
sergeant comes In to see der sights,
und vhen he looks aroundt he says:
"Mr. Dunder, vhas dot policeman
asleep?"
"He vhas."
"Vhas he on duty?"
"He vhas. He vhas on duty, but he
vhas tired oudt und goes to sleep."
Vhell, dot makes der sergeant mad,
und he says If I Insult der police force
I vhas pulled In for green goods und
my museum vhas all busted oop. So
I haf to take dot figure und put a new
suit on him and call him "Der Czar of
Russia." He vhas all right, maype,
und maype some nihilist comes In und
hits him mlt a crowbar.
mm
After the Wedding: Journey.
You can get Just as much happiness
out of marriage as you can put Into it.
Marriage Is a failure only to soured
people, who cannot find marrying
mates.
After a woman becomes a widow she
begins to say a great deal about her
extreme youthfulness when she mar
ried. "I married my wife a month after
she accepted me," "And I married mine
three days after she refused me."
"Do you think Jenks will go to war?
He used to be such a coward." "Yes;
but he has been married three times
since you knew him."
A married woman is probably anx
ious to get all the girls Bhe knows
married off, so the men can't teach
them to crow over her.
Atchison Is a good town to marry In.
A man can come here and get a bride
and reach the train without getting
the neck of his shirt full of rice.
Atchison Globe.
English girls who are Imprudent
enough to marry Chinamen have a
hard time when they get to China.
Four, married to members of the Chi
nese embassy In London, are now des
titute In Shnnghnl. having been thrown
over by their husbands.
"Hns your daughter ever had cause
to regret her marriage to that count?"
"Only once." "When was that?" "Last
summer, when her father and I went
to visit them. The count sobered up
for the occasion nnd remained at the
castle for two days."
He laughs best who laughs last. The
maiden laughs at the bride who sud
denly "likes smoke," but the year-old
wife laughs at the noisy vociferations
of the coy maids who talk about the
"men they wouldn't marry and the
things they wouldn't do."
A curious marriage custom obtains
in the Island of Hlmla. Just opposite
the island of Rhodes. The Greeks, by
whom It Is peopled, earn their living by
the sponge fishery. No girl in this is
land Is allowed to marry until she has
brought up a certain number of sponges
which must be taken from a certain
depth. In some of the other Greek
Islands this demonstration of ability
Is required of the men, nnd If there nre
several suitors for the hand of a mai
den, her father bestows her on the man
who can dive best and bring up the
largest number of sponges.
SCIENTIFIC JOTTINGS.
The yield of salt per ton of water Is
81 pounds In the Atlantic ocean, 71 In
the Pacific and 187 In the Dead sea.
It has recently been claimed that
Iron ships with electric plants suffer
rapid deterioration of their pipes hav
ing direct communication with the sea,
due to electrolysis.
Proressor Harshberger snys that,
botnnlcnlly speaking, the dahlia is an
American genuB confined to Mexico.
When the Spnnlnrds first visited Mex
ico, they found the dahlia cultivated
in the guldens of the natives. It was
first grown In Madrid In 17S9, and In
England In 1790.
To keep pneumatic tires Inflated in
case of a puncture a small pump Is get
on each hub with a crank shaft geared
to a wheel mounted on the axle to
work the piston when the gear wheels
nre thrown Into line and the wheel Is
revolved.
In a recently designed turnstile for
collecting tickets a curved arm closes
the outlet nnd Is locked at each turn
of the stile to prevent the next person
passing through until he haB deposited
his ticket in the box, when an attend
ant releases the arm.
That the clnematographe Is now a
valuable aid to scientific Investigations
was shown In the eclipse observations
last month In India, and now Professor
Flammarion, the well known French
astronomer, has used a clnematographo
to take during the night a continuous
series of pictures showing sunset, tho
appearance of the stars, the milky way,
moonrlsc and the moon's motion In the
Bky.
Shower baths can be taken In an or
dinary bath tub by using a new at
tachment which has a chamber for mix
ing hot and cold water to the proper
temperature when It is forced through
perforated pipes around the edges of
the tub to shower the bather.
Dr.Burton Ward, after a long experi
ence In the trentment of cases of tn
canlty, says that there is one Infallible
symptom by which the question wheth
er a person Is or Is not sane can be de
termined. Let a person speak ever so
rationally or act ever so sedately. If
his or her thumbs remain Inactive thero
Is no doubt of Insanity. Lunatics sel
dom use their thumbs In writing, draw
ing or saluting.
Aluminum has been decided upon to
take the place of sheet Iron for the fol
lowing camp utensils for use In the
French army: The Individual plate or
bowl, canteen, quart cup and the boil
ing pot and bowl for use of four men.
An appointment of 130,000 francs in
the army budget to begin the manufac
ture and distribution of the abov
named articles. During the Mada
gascar expedition 15,000 sets were used
with great satisfaction.
A German has invented an electrical
lead for sounding the bottom of water
courses, which has a hinged shoe on
the bottom, normally resting a short
distance from the pin which closes the
circuit, the shoe rising and making a
contact as soon as the lead strikes the
bottom.
Runaway horses can be quickly de
tached from wagons by a new device,
in which the traces are separated near
the end of the thill can be released
to clear the horse from the thills by a
lever, which also applies an automatic
brake and stops thu wagon.
Acetylene gas Is to be used for the
purpose of Inflating marine buoys and
floats, the dry calcium carbide being
placed In a vessel in the upper portion
of the buoy, to which a small quantity
made two pairs of stockings, and in
ing sufficient gas to generate to lift
the buoy to Its proper position again.
A Pennsylvania woman has invent
ed a fly escape for attachment to win
dow screens, which Is formed of a
wire cone, with the large end connect
ed with a passage along the bottom of
the screen, In which the files crawl and
pass out through the small end of the
cone, thus clearing the house of the In
sects. . m
The Idea that dew falls as rain falls
was generally entertained until explod
ed by Dr. William C. Wells. Dew does
not rl3e or fall, but is formed In direct
contact with the object upon which it
appears. It is the humidity of the at
mosphere, deposited on the cool sur
face of bodies which have lost heat by
radiation to the clear sky, and have
fallen In temperature below the point
of saturation of the adjacent air. Bodies
which nre good radiators and lose their
heat to the sky, and which nre also
poor conductois nnd receive little heat
from the enrth or other bodies, exam
ples of which are grnss, leaves of trees,
glass, stones, etc., are most favorable
to the deposition of dew. The moisture
which collects upon the surface of a
pitcher of Ice water on a warm day is
an example of the deposition of dew.
Dr. George Ebers, the well known
Egyptologist and, to the general pub
He at least, better known novelist, has
culled attention to the large trade be
ing carried on In Egypt in forged
mummy portraits. When the genuine
portraits, painted on wood, were first
shown In Europe, not many years ago.
they attracted great attention. ana
this has stimulated the counterfeiters.
The copies are admirably done, and
are a close imitation of the genuine
pictures. Some freedom in the treat
ment of the eyes of one of the pictures
first aroused suspicion by Its modern
characteristics, and further Investiga
tion disclosed other evidences of the
fraud. ,
During the year Just pased many
scents, heretofore thought to be procur
able only from nature, have been pro
duced artificially. For Instance, musk,
one of the most highly prized and most
costly of perfumes, has been lmltatea
by the chemists. We are told, too, that
during the year tho Germans have
produced an artificial essence of vio
lets, nnd. indeed, a whole series of
scents, which, nppeallng to the olfac
tory nerves as the colors appeal to
the eye, are now receiving the attention
of the patient scientists of all coun
tries. r -
Miss Edna Whitney of Chllllcothe was
married last Saturday at Stuttgart,
Ark., to J. B. Laney, a prosperous
druggist of Stuttgart. Miss Whitney
will be remembered as the central figure
in a social sensation that reached from
coast to coast last fall. She came prom
inently Into notice when the committee
having In charge the Kansas City carni
val refused to allow her to become
maid of honor because she worked In a
tobacco factory. Immediately she be
came a heroine In the eyes of the lab
oring element and not long nfterwnras
the very persons who had barred her
from the flower parade Invited her to
the Priests of Pallas ball, the greatest
society event of the season In Kansas
City. There sho met Mr. Lane and he
proposed to her. She accepted, but for
some reason the wedding was post
poned. Mr. Lane returned to Stuttgart
and Miss Whitney went back to Chilli
cothe. She went to the Veiled Prophet's
ball In St. Louis and was Mayor Zelg
enheln's partner in a dance. The east
ern papers made a great to-do over her.
Her pictures were printed from Ma ne
to California. She received all sorts of
offers to go on the stase, but declined
them , .
It seems to be iuc piuper thing foi
the comic Btar to be "wedded to her
art" and divorced from her husband.
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