8TANDINO ROOM ONLY.
Tho Earth Will Bo Very Crowdod
Soma Day.
There will lie standing room only on
the cnrlh nt 1 p. in.. February 27, In
the year 3148, just 1,250 years from to
(lay.
Thin Is no Idle conjecture. It Is some
thing that everybody enn figure out for
himself. The only thing to know for
a banlH la the present population of the
world, Its nrea and the annual rate of
Increase of population.
One hundred years ntro thcie were,
In round numbers, 6O0.0W.00O people In
habiting this earth, and the area of
the land nurfacc amounted to 20,000,000
square miles, bo that there was on
the average a square mllo of territory
to every twelve persona.
Now that the population of the world
has Increased to 1,600,000,000, or two and
a half times what It was a century ago,
with the result that if the wholo land
aurfaco were divided up Into equal por
tions among the Inhabitants, each one
would have for his share only one
thlrtlcth of a square mile Instead of
one-twelfth of a square mile, ns he
would have done at the end of the
last century.
ThlB Is a very serious reduction In
the proportion of territory which, if
shared equally, would naturally belong
to each person; and If the present rate
of Increase of population be still main
tained In the future, tho average area
per Inhabitant will rnpldly become
mailer and smaller; and nt the end
of 1,250 years from the present time,
according to the following calculations,
the world will be so full that there
will be literally standing room only.
For, on the assumption that the pop
ulation of tho world will be two and a
hnlf times ns great at the end as at
the beginning of a century, 100 years
from now tho population will bo 3,750.
000.000, 200 years hence 9,375,000.000,000
and bo on. Increasing two and a half
times each century, till 1,200 years
hence it will have risen to the alarm
ing totnl of 89,107,000,000,000 (nearly
eighty-nine and a half billions) of peo
ple, and nt the end of 1,300 years to
233,517,000,000.000 (two hundred and
twenty-three and a half billions).
Now the Innd surface of the world
amounts to 60,000.000 square miles, or
154,880,000,000 (nearly $155,000,000,000) of
square yards. So, In 1,200 ycnrB there
Will bo 89,600.000,000 of people for 165,000 -000,000
of square yards, less than two
square ynrds to each person, nnd In
1,300 years hence there will be 223,000,
0,000 of people for 155.000,000 of squaie
yards, considerably less than one
square yard to each person.
We thus have this amazing result
that Just 1.250 years hence there will
be only one square yard of land to
each Inhabitant of the world!
But what about wars, famine nnd
pestilence, some critical one asks? Tho
figures make allowance for this.
Think of the terrible wars and
scourges that have swept over the
earth In the past century, nnd yet tho
Sopulntion has Increased two and a
alf times. Tho Napoleonic wnrs, the
Crimen, tho Franco-Prussian, our own
wars of 1812, with Mexico In 1846 nnd
the rebellion of 18C1 to 18G5, and the ter
rible famines nnd pests that have swept
the globe within the memory of living
' men, have failed to keep down the ratio
of Increase. It Is hardly to be hoped
that worso calamities will occur In the
centuries to come.
What Is to be done about It? For
tunately the problem does not have to
be solved by this generation, nor the
next, In which we have personal in
terest. Hut It Is not to be disregarded.
Just imagine for a moment what this
means! Over all our country districts,
on every conceiveable spot of waste
land, up the slopes and on the tops of
our highest mountains, in the realms
of eternal snow and Ice, over all the
forests and deserts, there will be one
man, woman or child for every square
yard of surface.
Or look at It in this way: In 1.250
years the whole earth will be popu
lated just eighty times more densely
than tho lower part of Manhattan
Island Is today.
Of course the world would bo over
populated long before the extreme limit
of one square yard to each Individual
was reached. For we must remember
not only that many parts of the world
are absolutely unlnhnbltable and quite
unsultcd for the lue of man, but also
that man must have food as well as
actual elbow room, and that, therefore,
It would be necessary to reserve large
tracts of land for the cultivation of
food products.
A Funny Cat.
Waflles Is the odd name qf a cat In
Philadelphia that loves nothing so well
as riding a horse. Wailles is the pet
tabby of Fred Guthrie, who lives on
Spruce street, nenr Eighth. Mr. Guth
rie keeps a saddle horse for riding In
the park. In his lodgings Waffles, a
large, handsome cat of no particular
strain, of weight seventeen pounds,
lives with him.
The horse Is known ns Kentucky.
In the morning Mr. Guthrlo feeds
Waffles at the breakfast tables, after
which the cat goes out to spend the
day with Kentucky. In tho afternoon
Mr. Guthrie comes to take his ride and
Kentucky Is saddled In the stable and
led around to the Spruce street door.
As soon ns the saddle Is thrown on the
horse by the groom Wailles gets on It
and rides around to the front door.
When his master comes down Wailles
dismounts, and after marching around
Kentucky's feet, rubbing them and
purring with delight, accepts his mas
ter's caress and goes Indoors.
Mr. Guthrie usually dines at his club,
where his groom meets .him and fetches
the horse. Then Wailles Is retun.ed
to the stable and the two companions
remain In company until 10 o'clock,
when Waffles Is fetched to occupy his
mgauy coucn on me rug in Mr. G th
rle's dressing room. The cat in the
saddle en Its way from the stable to
Spruce street dally attracts a throng
of dellghttd and curious spectators.
A New Tork dog of the bull terrier
tribe does the same trick down In the
wholesale fruit district on the west
side. He may be seen almost any day
perched on the back of a Percheron
herse. The dog and the horse make
a picturesque pair, the horse prancing
along gaily and seemingly flattered by
the dog's presence on his back, and
the terrier, bounding up and down with
each rise and fall of the horse's body.
The terrier, too, seems to be knowingly
enjoying himself.
Artificial Oysters.
This Is Indeed the age of artificiality,
tome Freaca genius has been making
artificial oysters, and the authorities
f Paris are now trying tc suppress this
altogether navel form of food adultera
tion. Real eystera are extensive In Paris,
and so, with the ebjtct of suiting slen
der purses, artificial oysters en the half
hell have been invented, which are
sold at about one franc a doseo. They
art S3 oleverly made and look ia nlct
and fresh that after lemon Jute or vin
egar has seen added, they cannot be
distinguished from the real article, es
pecially whare white wine la taken In
connection therewith.
The enljr genuine thlnr about these
ysters Is the shell, the manufacturer
buylag seoond-band shells at a small
cost, and fastenlnr the spurious oysters
la place with a tasteless paste.
TRANSFORMING BOYS.
Tho Problom How to Mnko nDul
Boy Good Solvod.
The old, old problem of how to make
a rcnlly bad boy genuinely good barf
been solved. A very cheerful method
of solution It is, and It hns all been
brought about by that most delightful
of combinations, charity, kindness and
pure air.
It Is only a little Journey from New
York to this plnce of good deeds, up In
Westchester county. After you have
driven four or five miles from Whlto
Plains, through n wilderness of rustla
beauty, you see, away on the top of one
of those famous hills which have made
Westchester famous, a big gray house
that looks comfortable as far as you can
see It.
Kvcryone that lives anywhere around
there knows what It Is. There Is a gen
uine ring of pride of the voice of who
ever you may ask about the Brace
Memorial farm or, as they call It up
there, tho place where they make chil
dren's minds over.
On the way up to the house, boys are
to be seen on every side, nnd nil ure at
work. There are big boys and little
boys, but there Isn't one of them who
doesn't look as If he were having a
good tlmo right along. It Is hard to be
lieve that these lads are waifs from New
York streets, culled from that welter
ing muss of human llotsnm and Jetsam
which contributes so largely to keep up
the supply of criminals. That Is ex
actly what they are, though. The
Children's Aid society takes them for
the purpose of reclaiming them from
the evil ways and making good citizens
of them. They hnvc not necessarily led
criminal lives, though many of them
have; none, however, are old enough to
ii.ivi. biiuiuu Hopelessly wedded to u
life of vice and crime. There Is noth
ing compulsory about their residence
nt the farm, to which they are taken
with their own consent. If a boy In
sists that he docs not want to stay, he
Is taken back to New York, and re
turned to exactly the situation ho was
In when the society began to help him.
Tho nges of the boys ut the farm run
from G to 18 yeats. The color lino is not
drawn there, and at present an exceed
ingly healthy specimen of the colored
brother, who tejolces In the namo of
Sncdekcr, la a member of the colony.
All the boys seem to get along after
the fashion of a happy family, and
Superintendent Golf says there Is prac
tically no quarreling or fighting among
them.
Tho process of the evolution of tho
street boy Into a good citizen Is an In
teresting one. The llrst thing that
happens to a boy when he reaches the
Brace farm is an Introduction to the
bath room. Mrs. Golf, the matron, says
that It Is frequently necessary for tho
comfort of the Inmates of the house
that the new arrival shall be divested
of all relics of the city as soon ns pos
sible. After the boy has had his bath
and has been provided with another
suit of clothed, fresh and clean as uny
clothes could be, he Is allowed to go
out and look around the farm and see
what he thinks of It. That day he rests;
on the next he begins to study and to
work.
It is the belief of the olllclnls of tho
Children's Aid society, tho organization
which watches over Brace farm, that
the best thing for the little vagubonds
whom it seeks to reclaim is to instill
in them the belief that there Is no work
for them like the work of a farmer. So
the boys are taught farming; then, If
si me sturdy farmer out west wantb to
tuke a boy and make a man of him,
Bince farm can easily Bupply that want.
The bovs enter Into the spirit of the
work with much enthusiasm, and show
a dlsnositlon to be industrious thut
would amaze their former companions
in New York. Superintendent Golf says
that the youngsters set-in to be stirred
to real ambition for the llrst time In
their lives. There are tlfty-two boys
nt the farm at present. Each one hus
his duties, and each has the alternative
of performing them faithfully or re
turning to New York. Few wish to re
turn, however; It Is such a delightful
change for a half-starved youngster to
be sure of having all he can eat three
times a day, Instead of not being sure
of anything ut all. City boys have ap
petites, strong nnd hearty, and when
they get Into the country, Matron Goft
says, It sometimes seems as If they
never could get enough.
While the boys are taught the vari
ous things the farmer has to know,
their mlnd3 arc not neglected for a mo
ment. On a hillside bnck of the old
fnrm house Is perched tho school. All
sorts of eyes look nt you when you
walk Into the big room, from the won
dering look of the 6-year-old to the
keen glance that Is shot from the
shrewd orbs of the boy of 18, who knows
chletly what he has learned In New
York streets. The facts ure rnrely In
dicative of serious evil not nearly as
much so as one would expect when the
origin of the boys Is taken Into con
sideration. There nrc few dullards
among them, and If nppenrances count
for anything, some dny they will be
notable additions to the ranks of Amer
ican citizenship.
So much for work and Btudy. All
work and no play, ns every one knows,
makes Jack a dull boy, and so the fifty-two
Jacks on the Brace farm are al
lowed ample time to avoid dullness.
They play foot ball and bnse ball, leap
from, hop-scotch and all sorts of games
that the boys' minds can conceive of.
They are out of doors every moment
of the time that circumstances will per
mit, and It is worth a day's Journey to
see tho ruddy hues of health on their
cheeks.
Compllmentto Kipling.
Ruryard Kipling has been the recipi
ent of a graceful compliment from the
antipodes. A Dr. Nlcholls, who was
an enthusiastic admirer of the work9
of the Anglo-Indlnn writer, recently
died at Port Germain, South Australia,
and his friends Inscribed on his tomb
stone the last verse of Kipling's
"L'Envol." A photograph sent to Mr.
Kipling elicited the following letter:
"Dear Sir: I cannot tell you how
touched and proud I am to think that
you found any verses of mine worthy
to put on a good man's grave. Y'ou
must be a brotherly set of men at
Port Germain to do what you have
done for the doctor's memory, and here
In England I take off my hat to the
lot of you. There Is nothing a man's
people value more than the knowledge
that one of their kin hns been decently
buried when he hns gone under In n
far country, and some dny or other
Port Germnln will get Its reward. Will
you send me a copy of a local paper,
so that I may know something more
about your part of the world? What
do you do? What do you expect?
What back country do you serve? And
how many are there of you? I want
to learn 'further particulars,' as the
papers say. Thanking you ngaln for
your courtesy, believe me, very sin
cerely youis,
"RTJDYARD KIPLING."
Little 4-year-old Freddie, while out
walking with his nurse, happened to
pass a blacksmith shop Just as the
smith was shoeing a horse. On reach
ing his home he astonished his mother
by saying: "Oh, mamma, I found the
place where they make horses; I saw a
man nailln on the feet"
A Man From North Carolina.
One aftornoon, when the old 'posum
hunter of Tennessee had been out on
the mountnln alone, and nfter supper,
when 1 begnn asking questions, he said:
'Thar' ain't mnny of the critters left
nround yore now, but thnr' wns a time,
soon arter tho wall, when yo' couldn't
go fo'ty rods from the cnbln with jut
bocln' one. They was big and savnge,
too, and the wuy they would strip the
hide off'n a dawg would make yo'r har
stand up. They was alius skulkln'
'round the cnbln arter poltry, and two
or thro times 1 run agin 'em and got
clawed. One night, In the winter o'
iS, 1 stepped out to see what ailed the
chickens and a cat lit on my back and
laid me up fur a month."
"Well," I said, as he paused.
"Wall, I was glttln' around ngln, but
still sore and stiff, when n critter drop
ped down into these pnrts from No'th
Kedlecny. lie Jest left it be known
ftoin the fust that he was a slam-bang,
rlp-i carer, and ho went abount chankln'
hU teeth and tellln' how he was bo'n In
n whirlwind and cradled In a deluge.
Sum o us kinder thought he was all
brag, and sum reckoned he was a bad
mr.n, but we'd bin flghtln 'nuft nnd
uutn't anxus to try htm on. That crit
ter had bluffed most everybody 'round
yeir befo he cum to me. I wns over at
the co'ners one duy, feelln' mighty had
frum head to foot, when he stands uu to
me ati 1 Rez:
' 'Zob White, I've bin told that yo' ur
a g .cc' im.ii a powerful good man.'
" 'Sc rtc-r good,' sez I 'sorter good
vh'ii 1'in feelln' all right.'
"'Hcv yo' got dlzzlnes of the head?'
s'-7. he, thinkln' to make fun o' me. 'If
that 8 tho trubble I'll hcv yo' put to bed
ai'd riiFFCil llkoanullln' child.'
"That critter kept at me 'till is w.is
n.nd nuft to cry," snld Zeb. "He Know
ed 1 wasn't nitten to fout, nnd he was
pi-wouul anMis to pick a row. It wui
ilie fust time In my life that I ever ft
nny Human" beln br.ck me do.vi, but I
was in no shope fur a tussle. 1 went
home with tears of madnes sin iny eyb,
and tin' ole woirnr sees 'em r.l so1,.;
'Sdt, yo" jest hold on to yo'M-ltn l-.w
days on' you 11 I e able to lick tint irlt-M-
ull to squash. It's purty lmrd !
hcv ecih a mun bluflln' yo' down, t"it
when yo' git well o' them clnw-nnrkn
it win t toke yo' ten mlnits to ni.u.t
him yell fur m:cy.'
"'Hint's the v.uy she talU-vl ti mc,"
aid Zeb, "and I sorter quieted titwa
and made up my mind to wait. The
crlittr wouhii.'t let me alone, howtvrr.
He knowed I was a good man whrn wdl
nnd he wanted to git all the ndnn-tugi-.
rim evil. In', ns I sot s.io'tin' my
pae and tii.n' over with wr.i'ii, a
m nstrous bir wildcat cum i)r""iin'
fU'uind the 1 en r-tuse. I had a shot at
Jilm ft 0111 the clah, but he hit up 1
pnnilin' and Jumped into the r.resh
fence over thnr'. 'Bout this time ulong
cum the critter from No'th Kerleony.
He'd bin blowln' around up at the co'
ners how he was cumin' down yere to
mnko me ea,t snow. He knocks on the
doah and stands up boldly to say:
" 'Zeb White, I've got feelln's and yo"
must respeck 'cm. I've got to lick sum
body or bust, and bein' as all the rest
of the crowd hev took water I'm de
pendln' on yo". Come out yere nnd letr
me paralyze yo. If yo've got grit 'nuff
to light a woodchuck, now's yer time
to show It.'
"I was fur goln' out, bad as I was, but
the ole woman wouldn't hev It. I pulls
off my shirt to show the claw-murks,
and axes the crltten to gin me a few
mo' days, but he grins and laughs and
sez:
" 'I kin see how it ar'. Yo' scratched
yer back agin a hickory tree In order
to git out of a fout with me. They
told me over In No'th Keerleeny that
yo was a man, but I git yere to And yo
a chicken. If I had them scratches on
my buck I'd never know It. I lit two
men while I had a brol'en leg and licked
'em, and I lit threes b'ars when I had
a broken arm and sold their pelts fur
15 nplece. Zeb White, cum out and be
smashed.'
"Mebbe yo' don't know how It feels to
hev a critter tulk to yo that way,"
said Zeb. with a mournful shake of the
head. "I knowed If I was well I could
make that onery bluffer chaw grass In
five mlnits, but I wasn't able to light
a coon. The ole woman tried to soothe
me, but I was so mad and heart-broke
that a cried like a boy. Blmeby the
critter Jumps up and down and whoops
and yells at me:
" 'Zeb White, they sez yo' could out
fout any man on this yere mounting be
fo' yo went to wah, and that while yo'
was in the wah Glnerela Lee reckoned
yo' as good as a hundred men, but I
can't dun believe It. It was all brag
and blow. Yo' might hev skeert sum
woman or boy, but yo' never stood up
to a man In yo'r life. I'll go back to the
co'ners and tell 'em that I made ye
crawl Into yo'r butesl' "
"That was hard lines." I said, as I
heard the old man breathing hard over
the memory of It.
"But I had to take wuss'n that, sah.
That reptile offered to light me with
one hand then with moth hands tied
behind him then with nut hi n' but his
teeth. He whooped nnd he yelled; he
ronred and he bellered; he bluffed and
he blustered. He hun on 'till I could
stand it no longer, and I was goln' out
to do my best when the ole woman sez:
" 'Zeb, the Lawd Is on our sldel Yo'
Jest wait fur a mlnlt or two and sum
thin' will happen. That cat yo' shot at
is right behind the critter, with her
bnck humped up fo' feet high and mad
nuff to bust.' "
"And did the cat lnterrere?"
"She did, sah. Reckon she took him
fur the man who shot ut her. Least
wise, she didn't like the way he was
blowln' around, and Jest as he had
throwed his hat down ngln and was
goln" to holler sum ino', she lit on his
back. I've seen sum fun In my time,
but nuthln' to eknl that. The man Jest
flggered that I'd sneaked out o' the
back doah and got behind him, and
though he was a blowhard he wasn't
goln' to run away without a fout. It's
blzness, sah, when a wild cat tackles a
man. She hain't got no time to fool
away, and she makes the fur fly from
the start. The two of 'em went down
arter a mlnlt and begins to roll over
and over, and the ole woman puts her
hand on my shoulder and sez:
" 'Don't mix up with It, Zeb. It's
critter agin critter, and when they git
through each one will know he's bin
In a fout.' "
"And how long did It last?"
" 'Bout ten mlnits, I reckon, and they
Jest plowed al lover the yard. Blmeby
the cat let go to git a better holt, and
the man got up and run off. The alrth
was a sight to see next mawnln". Thar'
was blood and h'ar and rags scattered
all over half the acre, and I reckon the
man didn't hev nnythin' on but his
butes when he got away. He stopped at
the Co'ners Jest long 'nuff to tell sum
o' the boys that me'n the ole woman an'
the dawg and a landslide had pitched
Into him altogether, and that it wasn't
a kentry In which a man could git a
far show, and he borowed a hoss blan
ket and headed home fur No'th Keer
leny." "Boys," said the school teacher, "who
can tell me George Washington's mot-,
to?" Several hands went up. "Philip
Perkasle, you may tell." "When in
doubt, tell the truth." Detroit Free
Press.
A Case of Middleman.
It was about 10 o'clock In the fore
noon when I reached the Widow Skln
ner'B shanty nnd found the widow
smoking her pipe nt the door and six
or seven children playing nround. After
we had passed the compliments of tho
day she looked me square In the eyes
and asked:
"Stranger, ar' ye rldln' nround the
kentry Iookln' fur a wife?0
"No, ma'am," I replied.
"Married man?"
"Yes."
"No chance to git yo?"
"None whatever. Are you looking
for a husband?"
"I am. I am a woman who talks
straight from tho shoulder, and I'm
free to say I'd like to git married
again. I kinder like the looks o' ye.
but If thar's no show then It's no use.
D'ye see that klvcred wagon down
thar?"
"Yes."
"Wall, that outfit belongs to a man
with Ave children, and as I hevn't seen
no woman about I reckon he's a wid
ower. He's hump-backed and bow
legged nnd don't 'pear to be much of
a critter, but I'd marry him If he axed
me."
"And you you ?"
"I want him to ax me, and I nln't
goln' to beat around the bush. He seems
to be skeared to come to the shanty,
and it wouldn't look well for me to
go down to his camp. Stranger, will
ye do me a favor?"
"I certainly will."
"Then ride down thnr and hev a talk
with the man. If he's got nn old
woman that stttles It, but If he hain't
then I want him. Talk straight at
him and make him talk back. I've got
100 acres of land, six children and am
48 y'ars old. He's got five children and
that'll make 'leven, but I guess he kin
tnke them nwny somewharl Don't be
over half an hour about it, fur I've got
five acres of corn that needs hoeln'
powerful bad."
I rode down to the outfit to find a
very common looking man nnd five
very dirty children. The man ex
plained that he had come up from Ar
kansas and was looking for n claim,
and that his wife had been dead foi
a year or more. Remembering the
widow's Injunction I plumply asked
him:
"Do you wont to marry again?"
"I mouglit," he replied; "whar's the
woman?"
"Up In that shanty."
"What's she got?"
"One hundred ncres of land nnd bIx
children. She'll take you If you will
have her."
"Would ye say I was glttln' a squar'
deal?" he asked, after thinking It over.
"I would. You nre not much of a
man, as men go, and you ought Jump
at the chnnce."
"Yes, I'm a pore critter, and I reckon
It's as yo' say. I was gwme to drive
on today, but I reckon I'll stop and
be married. Lead on, stranger, and the
children might ns well cum along."
They formed In procession behind my
horse, and when we reached the shnnty
the widow nnd her brood were out to
greet us. She gave the man a looking
over for a minute nnd then snld:
"Wall, you look wuss than I thought
fur, but I'll stick to my word. Shall
we git married today?"
"Might as well. I reckon," replied the
man, as he cuffed at one of the chil
dren. "All right; ye can go down and drive
up yer wagon, and, stranger, ve'll And
a preacher Jest as ye cum to the river,
three miles away. Send him along to
marry us, nnd thnr's no use sayln' I'm
eternally obleeged fur yer trubble and
hope ye'll live to hev nt least two mo'
wives!"
There Is A Difference.
From certain nautical expressions let
fall by the man with the briar root
pipe we Judged that he was a mariner,
and when the colonel asked him the
question direct he replied that he had
been a whaler for twenty years.
"Then you must have some Interest
ing adventures to relate," continued
the colonel.
"Wall, I dunno. I have been knocked
about now and then, but nuthln' to
brag of. I think the mystery of the
Lucy Jane was my greatest adventure."
We pressed him to relate It, and
after exchanging his pipe for a cigar
tendered him he said:
"I was skipper of the Two Brothers,
and one day we met the Lucy Jane
off the coast of Java. There was a
calm for two days, and the ships was
clus together. On the third mornln".
Jest arter daylight, we looked fur the
Lucy Jane, but she had disappeared."
"You don't mean that she had gone
down?" asked the colonel.
"My mate alius thought so, but I
didn't. I hev alius felt sure that a
whale swallowed her durln' the night."
"But how could a whale swallow a
ship?"
"I dunno, but he must hev done it.
Thar was no wind to sail her away,
and she had disappeared."
"But Bhe might have sprung a leak,
as you call It."
"Skassly. If she had sprung a leak
Captain Tobias would hev calisd on me
to borry a gallon of whisky fur the men
at the pumps. That was alius his way.
He never expected a man to pump ship
without a drink of whisky. No, he
never sprung a leak."
"But a current might have drifted
him away."
"If it had he would hev come aboard
to borry some plug terbacker, as he
was about out. That was alius his
way. He never went adrift without
plenty of p'ug terbacker aboard."
"But you don't seriously think a
whale could have swallowed the ship?"
asked the colonel.
"I don't see how It could hev bin
otherwise," was the answer. "I'd like
to think some other way, but I can't."
"Well, that's al lnonsense, of course.
If she was close to your ship you
ought to have heard some noise."
"That's what we said, sir. I had
two men on watch, and they said
that when the whale Bwallowed the
Lucy Jane he uttered an awful groan."
"What did he groan for?"
"I never could exactly understand,
but I'll tell you what I think. When
I was aboard of her that afternoon
half a dozen of the men had out their
flshllnes. I think they were left lying
nround the decks, and when the whale
swallered the ship them fish hooks sort
o' stuck In his throat and made htm
groan."
There was a painful silence for a
couple of minutes, and then the colonel
asked:
"Is a whaler and a liar the same
thing?"
"Skassly, sah skassly!" replied the
mariner, as he sat stiffly erect. "A
whaler, sah, is a person who ketches
whales and tells the truth, while a
liar Is a person who don't ketch nuthln'
and lies about It."
A literary man In Boston has a son
who Is to him as the apple of his eye.
The other day he noticed a square hole
In the trousers of his beloved, a shriek
ing hole Just above the knee. "How is
this?" asked the sire. And the boy re
plied. "You know I have two pairs,
the best and the other. I couldn't tell
them apart, so I cut a hole in the best,
and now I can tell 'em and know which
to put on."
SOME LATE INVENTIONS.
In a newly designed dental cuspidor a
hollow arm Is attached to a standard
with tubes inside for fresh and waste
water to flush the cuspidor, the arm
being Jointed and pivoted so as to turn
in any direction.
Electricity Is used to operate a newly
designed pipe organ, the keys closing
circuits which operate magnetic colls
to control the air valves, and the stops
being operated by switches arranged
above the keyboard.
A handy basket for carrying farm
produce has a canvas strip attached
to the top with a gathering string nt
Its outer edge to draw It together and
prevent the spilling or theft of the con
tents of the basket.
Pneumatic tires for wagons and bi
cycles nre molded with a flat tread at
tached to and extending on each side
of the face of the tire, the interior of
which contnins a shield of metal discs,
to prevent puncturing.
The bearings of reciprocating machin
ery can be automatically oiled by a new
oil cup which has a pendululm Inside
the cup to move with the cup nnd al
ternately open and close a small aper
ture through which oil flows to the
bearing.
Ladles' hats can be suspended from
a nail without danger of slipping oft by
a new device, comprising a wire clamp
set Inside the hat, with a spring to hold
It In a closed position, one end being
pulled outward to attach It to the nail.
In a new sell-cleaning filter a valve Is
placed below the filter to shut the water
off, the valve at the same time open
ing a tube through the center of th6
filter to force the water back through
the filter to the upper side and cleanse
the filtering material.
Fruit Jars may be easily opened by a
new wrench consisting of a curved wire
with a rubbpr tube surrounding the
central portion and handles on the
ends to be gripped In the hand until
they decrease the size of the circle
sufficiently to grip the top.
A combined detachable Ice-creeper
and heelplate Is being manufactured,
which has spring clips by which It Is
attached to the heel, a roughened rub
ber or metal plate fitting the under
side of the heel when In use to prevent
slipping on the Ice.
Carriage axles can be kept oiled auto
matically by using a new collar which
fits over the shaft and has an oil res
ervoir in the upper side from which the
oil flows through a groove In the collar
to an oil passage made by putting the
top of the axle to register with the
groove.
To accurately weigh the contents of
a wngon the rear and front bolsters are
mounted In sliding frames to be drawn
up by cords wound on a geared scale
mechanism, so that the pointer on a
dial turns ns the cord Is wound until the
right number Is reached, when the load
Is lifted from the bolsters and bal
anced by the scale beam.
To protect horses' feet from snow and
Ice a newly patented boot Is made of
fibrous material, which extends nearly
to the knee Joint, with an Iron shoe at
the bottom, the boot being lined with
liquid-proof mnterlal, so It will hold
medicaments to treat the hoof and leg.
Bnby carriages can be fitted with an
automatic fan to keep the bnby cool,
the device having a yoke extending over
the top of the carriage to support a
horlzontnl shaft, which cnrrles the re
volving fan, the shaft being geared to
a wheel attached to one of the front
wheels of the carriage.
Safety boats for pleasure or life-saving
purposes nre prevented from cap
sizing by a number of nir receptacles
and cork floats arranged at each end of
the boat, the compartments being
placed at such a height as to descend
below the water when the boat tips
and throw it back to an upright posi
tion. An accurate low-water alarm has a
pipe extending Into the tank, with a
vertical section at the end carrying a
piston with a float at the outer end,
which pulls the piston up as long as
the water 13 high, but descends and
opens a valve to give an alarm as soon
as the water gets low.
Electricity Is used to destroy weeds
in a new device, which can be used
on an ordinary mowing machine, one
wire of the dynamo being attached to
the cutting bar and the other grounded
through one of the wheels, so that If
the weeds are cut when damp a cur
rent of electricity enters each root and
burns it as the top Is cut.
Freezing will not Injure a newly pat
ented water pipe, which has a yielding
core In the center, strong enough to
withstnnd the force of the wnter under
natural pressure, but which collapses
as the Ice expands, and prevents burst
ing, the core enlarging again ns soon
as the water thaws and the pressure Is
removed.
To nsslst In washing gold a Texan
has patented n machine having two
bowls mounted one above the other on
a vertical shaft In the center of a cylin
der, with n series of rakes adnpted to
fit inside the bowls nnd agitate the con
tents, water nnd gold-bearing soil being
placed In the bowls nnd the gold separ
ated by revolving the shaft and bowls.
Converted by Marrlaee.
A correspondent sends a story about
a conversion by marriage. A colored
woman came to his ofllce to solicit 5
and 10 cent subscriptions for a new
carpet and organ for her church. A
young lady in the ofllce gave the
woman 10 cents, whereupon the cor
respondent suggested that "both she
and the colored lady were probably
good Baptists." "Oh." said the col
rled a woman who was a Baptist, with
but I married a Mefodls' minister, an'
then of course I was a Mefodls'." This
is not the first ense on record of con
version by marriage. One case Is known
In which both parties were converted.
A certnln governor of Rhode Island,
who lived In Newport and wns a mem
ber of the Congregational church, mar
ried a woman who was a Bapttt, with
out any understanding as to the ar
rangement of religious matters. The
first Sunday morning after the mar
riage the pair stnrted out at church
time together. They walked side by
side as far as the corner of Church nnd
Spring streets, wheie their accustomed
ways to church diverged, and there
they stopped. He stood with a little
dogged leaning toward his church, she
with the same leaning toward hers.
"Well, wife," said the governor, "which
way shall we go?" She made no an
swer, nor did she make any sign of
going his wny. The governor looked
no nt the benutlful spire nnd cheery
Jloor of Trinity church, under the
shadow of which they atood. "Ha!"
said the governor, "let's throw up both
our churches nnd go In here!" And into
Trinity they went, nnd were devoted
Episcopalians ever nfter.
A minister who used to preach In
Somervllle had a little boy. A few days
before his father left the city to go to
his new parish, one of his neighbors
ald to the little boy: "So your father
Is going to work In New Bedford, Is he?"
The little boy looked up wondering.
"Oh, no," he said, "only preach."
T.lttla Edenr. need 3. was very fond
)cf lemon drops, and one day while he
was out on the porch a sudden ana vio
lent hailstorm came up. "Oh! ohl" he
cried with delight, "It's walnen tandy."
That Country Editor.
When the Loud postal bill was be
fore the house a few days ago Con
gressman Chnmp Clark of Missouri op
posed It, declaring that It was a blow
aimed at the country editor. Speaking
of the country editor, Congressman
Clark said:
One of the most eminent American
preachers said: "We must educate, we
must educn.e, we must educate or we
must perish."
Thomas Jefferson declared that he
would rather live In a country with
newspapers and without government
than In a country with a government
but without newspnpera.
Henry IV., as the high water mark
of prosperity for his people, expressed
the hope that each family In France
.might be so well to do that It would
have meat for Its Christmas dinner.
If I could have one wish nnd only
one granted for the happiness of the
American people nnd the perpetuity of
the republic It would bo to see every
voter well enough educated to read hla
ballot on election day.
Having once been a country editor
myself, I entertain a most kindly feel
ing for my old confreres. I am will
ing to mnke aflldnvlt that the eleven
months I spent editing a rural journal
were the most beneficial of my life to
myself, nnd perhaps to others. I am
proud to have belonged to the editorial
guild. I am unalterably opposed to
anything that will Injure the country
editor, curtail his profits, circumscribe
his usefulness or place an nddltlonal
thorn In his pathway.
The rural editor God bless him! Is
the most persistent of teachers. Like
charity, ns described by St. Paul in
the thirteenth chapter of First Corin
thians, he "suffereth long and Is
kind," which cannot be said of the
men who got up this bill. He "envleth
not," In which he does not resemble
some people on this side of the house.
He 'vaunteth not himself," In which he
is unlike the lenders on the other side
of the house. He "Is not puffed up,"
in which he does not resemble a good
many of us.
He "does not behave himself un
seemlngly; seeketh not his own; Is not
easily provoked." In this latter re
spect he does not at all resemble my
friend from California (Mr. Loud.)
(Laughter.)
"He thlnketh no evil." In which he
1b vastly superior to a great many of
us; "rejolceth not In iniquity," In which
he Is totally unlike the republican
(laughter); "but rejolceth In the
truth," which proves that he is cousin
german to the democrats. (Applause.)
"He beareth all things, hopeth nil
things, endurcth al lthings," nnd In
that respect he Is very much in the
predicament of the minority of this
house under the Reed rules. (Laugh
ter.) He Is the pack horse of every
community, the promoter of every
laudable enterprise, the worst under
paid laborer In the vineyard. Counting
his space as his capital, he gives more
to charity, his means considered, than
any other member of society. He Is
a power In politics, a plllnr of tho
church, a leader In the crusade for bet
ter morals. He Is pre-eminently the
friend of humanity.
He Joyfully chronicles our advent Into
this world, briefly notes our uprisings
and down sittings and sorrowfully re
cords our exit.
He Is the greatest and most Ingeni
ous of manufacturers; for, while others
manufacture perishable stuffs, he Is
engaged In mnnufneuring Immortal
statesmen out of raw sometimes very
raw materials; an Industry which
even the Dlngley tariff cannot protect.
He Is to our virtues very kind and to
our faults a little blind.
He Invented the Self-Binder.
"How did you come to Invent the'self
blnder?" was asked of Stephen D. Car
penter, the Inventor, who Is now In
Omaha for tho purpose of promoting
his latest Invention, that of an ele
vated railroad across the American
continent from San Francisco to New
York.
"It wns a necessity," the veteran re
plied. "I had been confined to my office
so closely that my health gave way and
my physician told me I would have to
get out or get a coflln. I preferred
the former nnd gave up newspaper
work for a time. But I could not be
satisfied doing nothing nnd so began
working up some of my Inventions. I
have had eighty-four patented.
"It was difficult work getting a self
binder perfected, because you can work
nt It only c nee n year and then only
for a few weeks. So I would start In
the bouth and follow the harvest north,
trying my machine and noting things
that were wrong with it.
"McCormick and I were well ac
quainted nnd he used to Joke me a
great deal about my crazy Idea that
wheat could be bound Ty machinery.
He would say to me:
" 'Carpenter, why don't you take to
perpetual motion and be done with it?
One Is Just ns crazy an Idea as the
other.
"Then I would gather a few wisps of
hay or weeds, take them Into the shop
nnd show him how they could be
bound. But that did not convince him.
He would say that I might bind n few
weeds there In the house, but when It
came to running a machine in the field
I would find it different.
"I had a banker In partnership with
me nnd he was always getting discour
aged when anything went wrong. At
last he said he 'wouldn't put nny more
money Into the thing.' At that time I
had my binder working up In Minne
sota nnd one of McCormlck's agents
saw It. He must have telegraphed to
the house, for I received a dispatch
from McCormick asking me to come
to Chicago nt his expense. I did so,
nnd on the train figured out how much
I should ask, him for my patent.
"When the train reached the station
McCormick met me at the door of the
car, and before we got through hand
shaking the trade was made. He asked
me how much I wanted. I told him
and he said: 'All right, the binder Is
mine.' We went to his ofllce and had
the papers made out. Years after my
banker partner said to me:
" 'There was once In my life when I
was a blamed fool?'
"'When was that?' I asked, for I
looked upon htm as a pretty sensible
fellow.
'When I refused to stay with you
on your binder. If I had we both would
have been millionaires by this time.' "
.
A little 4-year-old was taken on a visit
to grandmamma in the country. There,
for the first time, he had a near view of
a cow. He would stand and look on
while the man milked and ask all man
ner of questions. In this way he learned
that the long crooked branches on the
cow's head were called horns. Now the
little fellow knew of only one kind of a
horn, and a few days after obtaining
this Information, hearing a strange kind
of bellowing noise, he ran out to ascer
tain Its couse. In a few minutes he re
turned, with wonder and delight deplet
ed on his countenance, exclaiming:
"Mamma, mamma! Oh, do come out
here! The cow's blowing her hornsl"
Small 5-year-old Tommy, In company
with his mamma and a cousin from
Boston, aged 6, was walking through
Lincoln Park, when he espied a sign
reading, "Keep off the grass." "What
loes that mean, mamma?" he asked.
Before Bhe could reply the young Bos
tonlan answered: "It Is evidently meant
to Infer that the sanctity of the lawn
should be preserved." Chicago News.
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