Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Hemingford herald. (Hemingford, Box Butte County, Neb.) 1895-190? | View Entire Issue (June 5, 1896)
BY ELEANOR KIRR.
I haven't tho slightest objection to
Jack, my denr.and when he has saved
money enough to provide for you in
toco of sickness or misfortune I will
gladly give my consent to your mar
riage." "How much money, papa?"
"Really, Flossie, you are incorrigi
ble. Say $5,000."
"And that, with his present salary
"would tako five years at least."
"And you would have reached tho
advanced age of 28."
"Pretty old, papa."
"Yes.In tho neighborhood of tho'sore
"I've a good mind to htmcj Mr.
"Excellent idea. Ho wBuTddofctltless
Mttlo a million on you.and bo accom
modating enough to dio in a month or
"Ho'a most old enough to die, isn't
Judgo Bomerton lookod up from his
pilo of papers and gavo his daughter's
speaking countenance a quick exam
ination. Thoro wan something in her
manner of asking this question alittlo
different from usual, and tho judco
was tin expert In detecting shades of
"Mr. Nicklcpod told mo ono day
that ho would glvo anything if ho'
could have mo about his house all tho
time," tho girl went on, half laughing
and half pouting.
"You would mako a splondid trump
Tho Judge's suspicions were quito
allayed now, and the easiest way out
of these annoying lovo complications
"was to treat tho matter as lightly as
"Oh, my lungs are good," said Flos
tie; "and I wouldn't mind singing into
the trumpot. Papa Bomerton, what a
larkt Think of how many edifying
things I could say with my back to
the poor old gentleman. I could abuso
him to all tho furniture in tho house,
and ho'd never ho the wiser. I'll con
sider it, papa."
"Whon a woman considers, sho is
At this point the Judco resumed his
earch among the intricacies of chlro
graphy, and his daughter went on
with her dusting and putting to rights.
After a whilo the silenco was again
broken by tho latter.
"You wero poor when you married,
"As a church mouse, Flossie."
"Why did you do it?"
"BecaUBo I didn't know any bet
ter." "But you and mamma wero very
"Florence," nnd now tho kindlv,
middle-aged man brought his hand
down hard upon his desk, "if I had
Tffaitod until I had saved somo money
your mother would bo alive now. It
was hardship and poverty that sowed
tho Bceds of a fatal disoase. In threo
years, Flo3sio. thoro wero two childern
born to us. My Balary was quito in
adequate for all tho added expenses.
Then camo frottings and heartaches,
nnd a six months' illness of my own.
Wo suffered as none can understand
save thoso who havo had similar ex
periences. Your mother was 18 Flos
eio. Bho Bhould not havo married at
that nge. Our lovo was all right, but
our marringo at that tinio was a
fatal mistake. Now you know why I
adviso you as I do."
Long after the Judco had left tho
liouso thQSnddeningoffect of his words
remained, but youth is unablo to re
main very long in tho shadow of an
other's grief, and so after a whilo
Miss Floroncedoffed her sweeping-can,
put away her sud thoughts and went
out into the garden. It was a warm
April day, and shrubs and grass wore
responding in their brightest manner
to nature's caressing invitation. Such
a day was too much for Flossie. Sho
could scarcely havo been sad under
any provocation, but a look at the
bright, sunny fnco nnd the sparkling
brown eyes was enough to convince
one that tho spirit of mischief was ex
ceedingly strong within her. Her co
quettish garden hat was posed at the
exact ancle for becomuigness, and her
plump little figure, arrayed in a dross
she had cut and mad e with her owninir
hands, wa3 ono to be looked after and
admired by overy lover of harmony.
There waB a gate lending from tho
Judge's garden to that of his million
aire neighbor, tho latter being posses
Bed of that genial and generous dispo
sition wnich likes to share his pleas
ures with others. Mr. Nicklepod. who
was fond of working with his flowers,
spent much of his time in his large
hothouses, and thither the young
woman, humming nnd smiling, betook
herself. Mr. Nicklepod's ear-trumpet
reposed by the side of a bed of carna
tion pinks, while its owner busied
himself with some orange trees further
"I wonder how long I could stand
it to yell Into an ear-trumpet?" the
visitor soliloquized. "Of course I could
hide it when I didn't feel like talking.
But then I suppose he'd bb mak
ing Bigns and faces at me.and I should
havo to mako faces and signs at him,
and that would bo worse than tho
trumpet.". With this the judge's
daughter seized the somewhat formid
able looking instrument und went to
meet ljf friend.
"Wh.v. Blossom, good morning,"
said the millionaire, heartily. "No
body but you ever thinks to bring mo
"And nobody but mo would over
think of hypothecating your trum
pet," said iho naughty girl under her
"How's your pa?" Mr. Nicklepod
"Quite well, but a little cross," said
Florence, bending over the "porring
er" as she called it. "I hope you aro
not cross, Mr. Nickelpod?"
The Bmile deepened about the girl's
mouth as she wondered what must
havo been her expression of counten
ance when giving Utteranco to these
words. Bhe felt it to bo tho most de
signing, speech oi her lifo.
"Cross with you?" protested tho
old man, gallantly: "impossible. I
can't bolievo tho Judge is ever cross,
Blossom; but if ho is, you can run
right away to my houso any time,
and you shall havo everything you
want as long as you live."
"I seem to bo travelling by light
ning express, and on tho locomotive
at that," said tho minx, sotto voico
"But what would nana do?" sho ask
ed of the trumpet.
"You will be leaving him somj time,
I sunposo Blossom?"
"Yes, in about fifty years," said
the zirl to herself.
"And you see, child," Mr. Nicklo-
fod wont on, "it would be very handy
or your pa if he only had to como
next door to seo you."
"I never thought of that," said
Flossie: "and I guess I'll come." said
sho aloud, and then to herself, "I wish
I dared ask him how long ho thinks
ho is Koine to live,"
"I'vo a good mind to tako you at
your word, Blossom. I'm a pretty
old man, but heartj yet, and tliero is
ono thing I haven't forgot, and that's
how to treat women folks. I',m a
very lonesome old duffer, too, with all
my money, child,"
"Tho back gate would bo real con
venient for papa, wouldn't it?" said
Flosslo Into tho trumpot, and in a
tono which was just on the edgo of a
sob, "But by what gato could Jack
como in?" was tho next thought, and
now tho 3ob wns softly shattered,
and tho April tears fell in a blinding
"Blossom, what's thomatter?" eaid
tho old man, with real concern. "It
can't bo possible that tho Judco has
really boon cross enough to mako you
"Oh, no. indcodi" said Flossio. "I
was thinking how nice it would bo to
havo all tho flowers I wanted."
"You could havo had thoso at any
time," waB tho somewhat disconcert
"Yes, Mr. Nicklepod" Flossio was
determined to bo honest oven in tho
hour of her greatest deceit "and all
Tho seamed and wrinkled faco took
on a grave expression, and tho old
head shook a little at tho mention of
"Money isn't everything, Blossom,"
ho said "Money won't provido mo
with ears, or keep tho rheumatism
out of my knees, or tho loneliness
from my heart. But you shall havo
money. Now go and tell John to
cut all tho flowers you want, and
then run homo and tell vour pa of
my oiler; I think you had both better
como in and tako dinner with mo to
night, and wo'll talk it all over."
"Ho doesn't act particularly hilari
ous, sooms to me," said Flossie, as
sho turned away. "But I'm engaged,
any way plighted to an octogenarain,
or a centurion, or something of that
kind. Jack'll hate me, of course;
but when ho finds I havo done it for
his sake ho'll havo to relent. If I
don't havo but a million, that will
be better thon scraping and twisting
tor years to Bavo fivo thousand
dollars. Papa always said that
riches would bo very becoming to me.
Poor papa! Poor Jack!"
When tho Judgo returned to his
home, about 3 o'clock that afternoon,
ho was much surprised to find his
daughter reclining upon the library
lounco with her head tied up.
"What's the matter Flossie? What
is it that smalls so?"
"Vinocnr, papa. I'vo hadhysterics,
and this Is the reaction."
"I hope you aw not getting cranky,
and weak, and nervous, liko tho girl
of tho period, Floss."
"I'm not getting anything, papa;
I'vo got. I'vo not all 1 want, ami more
than I want. I've cot old Mr. Nickle
pod and his ear-trumpot for my fu
ture husband, papa, and there's mill,
ions in it; but where oh, whera is
For a moment tho Judge stood as
ifpotrified and then burst into a
perfect fit of laughter. At this point
the vinegar baudago was discarded
and the prospective millionairess
camo to a silting position.
"Isn't it funny? Isn't it vervfunnv?"
Bho remarked, with flashing eyes.
"But you aro responsible lor it, with
your talk about $5,000. I went de
liberately into Mr. Nicklepod's and
made him propose to me. I was
bound to settle it to-day. And now.
Sapa, will you break tho news to
ack? Wo aro to dine with tho ear
trumpet to-night, and then exeunt
parties and dances, with Jack bo
handsome and lovely in his full-dress
eiH, and enterlong-sleeved gowns nnd
old ago without ears."
"You'll have ears enough for both,"
said tho Judge. -They seem to havo
grown longer since morning."
"But, papa. Mr. Nicklepod is cer
tainly over SO, isn't he?"
"Flossie, what have yon been do
ing?" "Truly, papa, just what I snid. 0,
dear me, how my head aches! Mercy!
how my heart aches!"
"Upon my word I thought better of
Nicklepod," said tho Judco to himself
a while nfterwaid. "But" I pity the
man young, old or middle-aged who
gets my Floss!" nnd then the Judgo
laughed again, though thero was a
touch of something besides merriment
in his heart.
That evening the millionaire was at
liis best. Carefully dressed and "val
eted," as Flossie remarked, lie looked
much younger then when in his Rarden
or on the street.
"Good for forty years. I should say,
Floss," whispered the Judge, wicked-
"He in real handsome,-' was the as
tonishing reply, "and I shall live to be
proud of him. '
"I suppose Blossom has told vou of
our compact," Mr. Niklepod began,
when at dessert, tho servants having
left the diiMiir.g-room.
The Judge nodded, tho ear-trumpet
being on Flossie's side
"Aro you agreed?" was tho next di
rect question put by the old gentleman.
"Nod up and down," said Flossie.
"Don't you dare do it sideways."
Tho Judgo reached for tho trumpet
and yelled into it.
"Wo'll talk about that later."
"Very wcll'sald Mr. Nicklepod; "I
am, as I told Blossom, an old man,
and perhaps not very good company;
but I know how to treat women folks
let 'em have their liberty, and givo
them plenty of money eh?" and now
the millionaire's faco was fairly radi
ant. "That ought to bo Batisfactory,"
Bald tho Judgo; "but thero aro thoBe
who would abuso such broad privi
legesand ono of thorn is not so vory
far off, either," ho added, under his
"Perhaps, but Blossom wouldn't bo
ono of that kind. No, indeed, I am
sure of Blossom."
Tho Judgo Bhook his hood "side
ways" that timo. It seemed an invol
"Can't you circumlocuto to how old
ho is, papa?" Baid naughty Flossio.
"I was tolling Neighbor Davis this
morning," tho host began, as if in an
Bwer to her question, "that I really
look older than I am, being only 72
"You are in for it," tho Judgo re
marked, as tho speaker paused a mo
ment to fill his class. "Feol of your
cars, Floss, and learn for yourself if
they haven't crown."
"My fathor."Mr.Nicklenod resumed.
"lived to bo 00 and then'dlod from an
accident. My mother was in hor 90th
year when sho passed away. In fact,
wo aro a very long-lived race, though
wo seem to ago early."
"According to precedent twenty
"Tho reason I haven't married
again," tho millionaire went on, "is
becauso I could never bring myself to
believe that any one whom Icared for
could ever care for mo; nnd to havo a
wife whoso constant wish was for my
death would bo rathor hard lines eh,
"Blossom" managed to nod her
head, but her faco was turned away
from her host, and her father was sur
prised to soo how palo it was .
"Why aro you like Crosar's wite?"
tholatter managed to ask, in his old
joking manner. If Flossio lost her
grip at this crisis tho consequences
would bo more dramatic than no car
ed to comtemplate. But hapyily the
change from tho dinning-room to tho
beautiful library caused a change in
the conversation, nnd tho victim of
her own folly had a chanco to recover
herself. It wan a longstrance evening,
and ono to be remembered whilo lifo
lasted. Tho two men played check
ers, while tho girl guest wandered
about among tho books and pictures,
stealing occasionally into tho great
drawing-rooms, and coming back
again as white nnd scared as if sho
had seen a ghost.
"Will it bo lonely for you, Blos
som?" the old gentleman asked, as
sho returned from one of theso excur
sions. "I'vo been thinking," ho add
ed, without waiting for an answer,
"that it'll mako things about right if
I enn persuade vour na to come. too.
Ho has no ono but you, and then I
need some business help, and it would
bo a heartening thing to havo a truo
friend at hand."
"Oh. dear! ho is going to marry us
both." muttered Flossie.
"What do you say, Judge?" Mr.
Nicklopod went on. "Suppose you
try it for a year? Thero is no reason
why this houso cannot bo a home to
you both in tho truost sense of tho
word. Do take pity on me, neighbors,
for I beliovo I am the lonesomest old
vagabond in tho whole world."
"Judgo Somerton, I wish I was
dead," said Flossie; and then, seizing
tho trumpet, she said in broken tones:
"Mr. Nicklepod. you aro an angel,
nnd papa don't know what
to say, and I am in just as bad a
state. I'd lovo to live hero with all
those beautiful things, and with you
bo kind and generous, and so would
papa that is, it he has a single sense
left. And I made up my mind I would
livo here, just necauso I loved Jack
you know Jack and he hadn't any
money, and he' couldn't marry me in
about ten ages."
"For mercy's sake, Floss," tho
Judgo put in, imploringly, "don't be a
"It's begun, and ithasgotto come,"
was the cirl's quick answer. "And,
Mr. Nicklepod, I thought somo time I
could take Jack a lot of money that
is, if hecouldwaitforme and I didn't
see how I could really do you any
harm that is, it you wero truly fond
''You aro an honest, blessed girl,"
said tho old man, brushing away a
tear, "and I am truly fond 'of you,
and truly desirous to promote your
best interests. But, Blossom, I would
no sooner marry yon than I would
kill you. Such a wicked thought has
never crossed my mind. You shall
havo two fathers, Blossom, and you
shall havo Jack, too; but not to
marry him now, becauso you are not
old enough, nnd Jack hasn't had a
chance to show what kind of stull
thero is in him yet. Five years from
now, it he proves worthy, you shall
go to him with a dowry. -Then wo
will have the jolliest wedding that
over was, and I will dance with the
For a moment thero was utter
silenco in the room, and then Flossie
lifted her light hand, and with a
characteristic movement of her little
liorefinger, said into the trumpet:
"You two men have had your
heads together. That is as plain as
tho noss on your lace," giving her
father's nasal organ a little tweak.
"But, Papa Nicklepod, Judge Somer
ton nnd his daughter will bo with you
anon, and the way you will have to
stand round and mind the housekeep
er will bo a caution."
"All right," said Mr. Nicklepod;
"give mo a kiss; and I do wish I could
tell you how happy you havo made
Tho kiss was civon, and it was no
disgrace to Flossie tnat her eyes
overflowed with toars.
An engine coming east on tho liultimore
it Ohio railroad hurst her boiler when
midway between Keysor nnd Cumberland,
killing Engineer Woodrulf. of Martlnsburg.
W. Vu., and his flremun, Miller, of Cumberland.
What do we mean to-day by that
common phrase, a .gentleman? By
the lights of history, from gens, gen
tills, it Bhould mean a man of family,
"one of a kent house," ono of a
notablo decent, thus embodying an
ancient stupid belief and implying a
modern scientific theory. Tho ancient
and stupid belief camo to the ground,
with a prodigious dust and tho col
lapse of several polities, in tho latter
half of tho lost century. There fol
lowed upon this an interregnum, dur
ing which it. waB believed that all men
were born "free and equal," and that
it really did not matter who your
fathor was. Man haa always been
nobly irrational, bandaging his eyes
against tho facts of life, feeding him
self on tho wind of ambitious false
hood, counting his stock to bo tho
children of tho gods; nnd yet perhaps
he never showed in a more touching
light than when ho ombraced this boy
ish theory. Freedom wo now know
for a thing incompatible with corpo
rate life and a blessing probably pe
culiar to the solitary robber; wo know,
besides that every advanco in rich
ness of oxistnnce, whether moral or
material, is paid for by a loss of lib
erty; that liberty is man's coin in
which ho pays his way; tho luxury,
and knowledge and virtue, and lovo
and tho family affections, aro all so
many fresh fetters on tho naked and
solitary freomnn. And tho ancient
stupid belief, having como to the
ground, and tho dust of its fall sub
Bided, behold the modern scientific
theory bepining to rise very nearly
on tho old foundation; and individuals
no longer (as was fondly imagined)
springing into life, from God knows
where, incalculable, untrammeled, ab
stract, equal to one another but is
suing modestly from a race; with vir
tues and vices, fortitudes and frailties,
ready made; tho slaves of their inher
itance of blood; eternally unequal.
So that wo in the present, ana yet
more our scientific descendants in tho
future, must use, when wo desire to
prns'so a character, the old expression,
gentleman, in nearly tho old sense
ono of a happy strain of blood, ono
fortunate in descent from bravo and
self-respecting nncestors, whether
clowns or counts. And yet plainly
this i3 of but little help. The intricacy
of descent defies prediction, bo that
oven the heir of n hundred sovereigns
may oo oorn a oruto or a vulgarian.
We may bo told that a picture is an
heirloom; that does not tell us what
tho picture represents. All qualities
are inherited, and all characters; but
which are the qualities that belong to
the gentleman? What is tho charac
ter that earns and deserves that hon
orable style? And yet for all this am
biguity, for all these imperfect ex
amples, we know clearly what we
mean by the word. When we meet a
gentleman of another class, though
nil contrariety of habits, thoessentials
of tho matter stand confessed: I nev
er had a doubt of Jones. More than
that, wo recognize the typo in books;
the actors of history, tho characters
of fiction bear the mark upon their
brow; at a word, by n bare act, wo
discern and sogregato tho mass, this
one a gentleman, tho othernot. Rob
ert Louis Stephenson.
The School of Patience.
My dear boy, if a man can only
cultivate patience and strength, it
seems to me he will bo a good neigh
bor, a pleasant man to do business
with, a safe man to trust, and tho
kind of a man the world loves, even
though he lack, wisdom, and hath no
cenius, and can't tell a good story or
sing a note.
How much does fretful, restless,
hurrying old world owe to tho pa
tient man, who finds his strength "in
quietness and confidence," who can
bo patient with our faults, our fan
cies, our wickednoss: who can ba
quiet when the soltest word would
havo a sting; who can wait for storniti
to blow over nnd for wrongs to light
themsolves; who can patiently and
silently endure a slight until he has
forgotten It and who can even bo
patient with himself? That's the fel
low, my boy, who tries my patience
nnd strength more than any man else
with whom I havo to deal. I could
get along with the rest of
tho world well enough if he wero
only out of it. I can meet all
my other cares and enemiea bravely
and cheerfully enough. But when
myself comes to me, with his heart
aches and blunders and stumblings,
with his own follies and troubles nnd
sins, somehow he takes all tho tuck
out of me. My strength is weakness
and my patience is folly when I come
to deal with him. Ho tires me. Ho
is such a fool. Ho makes tho same
stupid blunders in the eamo stupid
way so many times. Sometimes
when I think I must put up with him
and his ways all my life, I want to
givo up. And then tho next time ho
comes to mo with his cares and tho
same old troubles, he seems so help
less and penitent that I feel sorry for
him, and try to bo patient with him,
and promise to help him all I can once
more. Ah, my dear boy, as you grow
older, that is tho fellow who" will try
you and torment you, and draw on
yoursvmpathy, and tax yourpatience
and strength. Be patient with him,
poor old fellow, because I think he
dopsloveyou.nndyet, as a nil e you
am harder on him than any oue else
Sympt oms of Coffee Poison
ing. Chronic poisoning by coffee has been
studied by tiuelliot, of Reins, who
finds it among well to do overfed in
dividuals, whilo tea poisoning occurs
in hard worked and half starved
women. The symptoms of cofTeo poi
soning are want of appetite, sleepless
ness and nervous tremblings, with va
rious indications of indigeition nnd
torpor of liver. Tea poisoning re
quites rest and nourishment; but the
victim of coflee excess usually needs to
unload his svstem by exercise una low
A Home In India.
The Qutvor (or May
A mud paved court, open to" tho
sky that glorious sun-illumined Bky
ot India, that gives poetry to every
thing, but enclosed with walls and
BUrrounded by a sort of arcade or
veranda. Within it threo or four
women wearing tho iooso trousers of
Mussulman women and colored sareeB
like the Hindus and several vounsr
girls. They were not handsome, being
rather of the thick-lipped Nubian
type; but several of them, and es-
fiecially the elder woman, whotoaches
n the little school, looked intelligent,
and thoy received us with ceurtesy
and apparent pleasure. Tho children
from outside wero not present, a
circumstance for which tho elder
woman apologized; but sho brought
forward hor own children to bo ex
amined, and they acquitted them
selves with credit, reading fluently
from an Indian primer and answering
all tho questions my fiiend put to
This family, poor as their surround-
inga Beemed to be, enjoys a moderate
prosperity. Comfort, as wo under-
Btatid it, is unknown in Indian homes.
Our next visit wns to be to a
Hindu family of the poorer class.
Our scramble'ovor rubbish heaps and
drains recommenced, and landed us
at tho foot of a breakneck flight of
Btairs which, when wo had ascended,
wo camo upon the funniest little cor
ner of tho world in which it has over
been my lot to find myself. It was
part of a house, but what part It was
uuu luunu n, uiuicuit to maico out.
To me it seemed liko a balcony or
ledge, hung on tho sido of tho house.
On ono side, guarded by a high par
apet, it was open to the sky, and
looked down on a large, bare court;
while on tho other sido was a range
of untidy looking cupboards and cells.
In this curious nest a little flock of
women, young and old, with a few
children wero gathered together.
They received us with tho utmost
courtesy a grace that nevor deserts
the Hindu at home set for us the
wicker stools that aro kept for visit
ors, and drawing their sarees around
them, squatted around ua after their
fashion, One and another, In tho
meantime, wero pouring out littlo
ejaculations of welcome, which my
friend, who is a fluent speaker of Hin
dostani, answered smilingly. Present
ly thero camo out from a'small enclos
ure, which was mo ro like a bathing
mnchino than anything else 1 can
think of, a young and very pretty
woman, with a small baby in her
arms. Tho little creature, who ap
peared to be the latest arrival in tho
crowded nost, was handed round,
kissed, praised and commented upon,
whilo the young mother stood by
smiling. I learned, upon inquiry, that
she was eigiiteen years of age, and
that this was her fourth child.
The baby navmg received tho fitting
amount of attention, a bright little
girl, with eyes as brilliant as stars,
was brought forward to read her les
son. She was only seven years old.
nnd her readiness, intelligence and
pretty, ninsomo manner made her
ono of tho most bewitching little crea
tures I had ever beheld, while I must
say that no English child of her years
could havesurpassed her in knowledge.
Other lntle ones, who were not so
brilliant, follollowed, and then tho
women took their turn, spelling out
o! the Indian primmer patiently.
Justice In Nevada.
Two husky-looking men, wearing
high-topped boots and brO ad
brimmed hats well smeared with
grease, met at the corner of Broadway
and Seventh street.tho other day.says
the Oakland (Cal.) Herald.
"Hello, Jim!" said the tallest mam
"I thought you wuz up in Nevada.
When did yer come down?"
"Jest got in," replied the other.
"How's things been coin' up thar
iur ther past year er two?"
"Sort o' lively. Er little while alter
you left Swaphorpe Gulch I wuz er
lected chief ov perlice,"
"Yaas. Er few months after that I
kniled Billy Botts fur mnkin' er five
card draw an' oatchin' four aces agin
my four king" pat, an' by er speshul
erlection 1 wuz made mayor ot ther
town without er dissentin' vote."
"Yer don't say so!"
"Yaas. Pnrty soon after that I
got stuck on Dave Sweeney's wife,
filled Dave with lead, got him planted
out in ther corpse pjitch. an' married
ther woman. Ther citizens showed
ther erprecintion ov me by givin' me
er cold-beaded cane an' er interest in
"You wuz bavin' er run ov luck.
Whut mado yer pull out?"
"Waal, I got mad er few weeks ergo
an' made er fool ov myself."
"Twtirz erbout er horse belongln'
tor Joe Comstock, ther drayman.
Yer see, Joe's hor6egot inter my yard
one dny, an begun ter eat up Borne
floweramy wife had planted out in
front ov the house, lgotmndan'
throwed er stun at him. It hit him
on ther leg, an made er ringbone. Ez
soon az ther horse begun ter git fame
Joe told ther citizens erbout it, an'
they started out ter string mo up to
a tree; but I got onto 'em an' skipped
"I wouldn't care so much erbout it,
but I've jst heerd that senco I left,
Joe's cone ter livin' with my wife an'
is wearin' my black hat an' cold
headed cane, an' I henr thar's er
move on foot ter elect him mayor in
my place an' run him fur the Legisla
tur' next year."
The sugar trust. Investegatlon was com
menced in New York recently nnd tho p
titionois decluro that Hnrry O. llave
meyer und others havo formed an associa
tion known as the sugar refineries com
pany, assuming without' the authority or
legislative enactment and without being
chartered or incorporated; that the object
ot this association In to create a monopo
ly for tlii purpose otcoutrolling prices, and
adjudges It guilty of usurping, unlawfully
holding nnd oxercising a franchise or priv
ilege, and, la consequence, a publlo nuisance.
Collision With a Hairpin.
"Marchy weather," remarked old
Mrfltottle, us ho seated himself at
tho breakfast table and examined his
napkin to Beo whether he recognized
It was ono of hoso rare mornines
when all the boarders had como down
early to breakfast an incident, tho
Landlady remarked, which restored
her flickering faith in human nature.
No ono answered old Mr. Bottle's
remark. Ho took tho conversational
trick, as it were, and everbody waited
for his second lead.
Tho Bank Clerk was bending all his
faculties to decide whether tho egg he
had just opened was genuine or a
counterfeit, and the Younger of tho
Two Maiden Ladies, who disliked con
densed milk In her coflee, was watch
ing for an opportunity to appropriate
unnoticed a coodly share of all the
natural articles on the table.
As for tho Young Lnlv Boarder,
she was busy with the marriage no
tices in tho morning papers, and of
course could not be expected to an
Bwer. Old Mr. Bottle finished his
oatmeal, and finding that he had left
his spectacles up stairs gavo up at
tempting to read the paper.
"Thanks, Mrs. Codhooker," ho said
affably, addressing the Lnndhulv,
"you may give me a bit of hash this,
morning. The fact is," added the old
uentleman to tho table generally, "I
find it delightful to be in a really
homelike boarding house, where I can
feel that the food is trustworthy, and I
am not continually tortured by the
profound conviction that every articlo
of food I eat is composed of alien sub
stancos. "I remember." hocontinued genially,
"when I was at college years ago, we
boarded in commons, and you never
could tell just what vou ate. The
food was fearfully and wonderfully
made. Ono day my chum, who was
sitting next to mo eating apple pie as
calmly as you please, "all at once
struck a stratum of unmistakable
kerosene in that pie, real coal oil,
mixed with the pio crust, and ap "
Old Mr. Bottle suddenly stopped
hi3 reminiscences. He was on his last
mouthful of hash, and there seemed to
have been a collision of some sort.
With an agonized expression on his
face, he slowly produced a piece of
bent wire. Thero was no room for
doubt. Evon the landlady had to ad
mit it. It was a hairpin.
Thero was a pause before old Mr.
Rottlr, gathered strength tospenk.and
then he spoke in tones oi deepest sor
row as of one whoso confidence is
"Mrs. Codhooker, I did not expect
this of you. If I wero young and my
eyesight sound, I shouldn't mind, but
o' me. an old man. and my upectaclos
upstairs it's cruel."
The landlady, in a bonified state
murmured that it was a mistake. But
somehow the excuse didn't seem very
fitting, and the kerosene pie episode
remained unfinised. Old Mr. Bottle
sat in silence shipping his coflee in a
suspicious manner, and the Bank
Clerk remarked to tho landlady that
perhaps he had better take another
egg and bo on tho safe side.
A Wonder in Industry.
Some faint idea of tho enormous
proportions to which the canning in
dustry has grown, is given by this
clipping from the Commercial Enquir
er of New York:
"A man who conveys the impression
that he knows what ho is talking
about, estimates that 'tho packers of
food in this country use in their busi
ness somo 1,000,000,000 cans annu
ally. A box of tin plates weighing
from 108 to 112 pounds piovides
about 8 cases oi cans. A case con
tains ono dozen three pound cans, or
two dozen one pound cans.' There
fore, according to his figuring, nboxof
tin will make something like 100 cans,
so that it requires something like 10.
000,000 boxes of tin plate to make
the cans used yearly. The weight of
the metal alone is about 110,000.000
pounds, and tho cost, our informant
tells us, is in the neighborhood of $45,
000,000." Champagne Seasickness.
When Mr. Lincoln made his visit to
General Grant's camp at City Point,
Va., in 1804, he was met by the Gen
eral and his staff.and upon being ask
ed how ho was, said: "I am not feel,
ing well. I got pretty badly shaken up
on the bay coming down, and I am
not altogether over it yet." "Let me
send for a bottle of champagne for
you, Mr. President," said one of tho
staff officers; "that is tho best remedy
I know of for seasickness." "No, no,
my young friend," Bnid Mr. Lincoln:
"I've seen many a man in my time
seasick ashore from drinking that
A New Theory of Divorce.
"Idon'twnntto leave my husband,'
said an indignant wife, "or he is a.
real nice man and I like 'him. But
once in a while he takes too much
wine, to say nothing of other cheaper
and stronger drinks, and then he is
positively insufferable. If I could cet
some Hort of divorce that would work
when he is full and stop working when
he is sober, that would answer my
purpose perfectly. But a woman has
mighty little show in this country."
A few days ago a drunken Kentuckfnn
of tho name of "Dick" roamed around to
the enfo of tho New York hotel threatening
to "do up" any one ho would not nzree
with him in all things. JIo declared l)n'i
he was a Southern "liro-eator" and was
looking for blood. Finally a well-dressed,
good-looking young man walked up to him
and knocked bin down, liotoro tho Ken
tuckinn knew what hnd happened ho re
ceived a sound thrashing, and hb Kind to
mike his escape. The good-looking young
man as Fred May.
Powered by Open ONI