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About Hemingford herald. (Hemingford, Box Butte County, Neb.) 1895-190? | View Entire Issue (June 5, 1896)
m i HI MR.JHMLENI. BY ELEANOR KIRR. I haven't tho slightest objection to Jack, my denr.and when he has saved money enough to provide for you in toco of sickness or misfortune I will gladly give my consent to your mar riage." "How much money, papa?" "Really, Flossie, you are incorrigi ble. Say $5,000." "And that, with his present salary "would tako five years at least." "And you would have reached tho advanced age of 28." "Pretty old, papa." "Yes.In tho neighborhood of tho'sore and yollow." "I've a good mind to htmcj Mr. Hlcklepod." "Excellent idea. Ho wBuTddofctltless Mttlo a million on you.and bo accom modating enough to dio in a month or two." "Ho'a most old enough to die, isn't he?" Judgo Bomerton lookod up from his pilo of papers and gavo his daughter's speaking countenance a quick exam ination. Thoro wan something in her manner of asking this question alittlo different from usual, and tho judco was tin expert In detecting shades of this kind. "Mr. Nicklcpod told mo ono day that ho would glvo anything if ho' could have mo about his house all tho time," tho girl went on, half laughing and half pouting. "You would mako a splondid trump eter, Floss." Tho Judge's suspicions were quito allayed now, and the easiest way out of these annoying lovo complications "was to treat tho matter as lightly as possible "Oh, my lungs are good," said Flos tie; "and I wouldn't mind singing into the trumpot. Papa Bomerton, what a larkt Think of how many edifying things I could say with my back to the poor old gentleman. I could abuso him to all tho furniture in tho house, and ho'd never ho the wiser. I'll con sider it, papa." "Whon a woman considers, sho is generally safe." At this point the Judco resumed his earch among the intricacies of chlro graphy, and his daughter went on with her dusting and putting to rights. After a whilo the silenco was again broken by tho latter. "You wero poor when you married, papa?" "As a church mouse, Flossie." "Why did you do it?" "BecaUBo I didn't know any bet ter." "But you and mamma wero very happy?" "Florence," nnd now tho kindlv, middle-aged man brought his hand down hard upon his desk, "if I had Tffaitod until I had saved somo money your mother would bo alive now. It was hardship and poverty that sowed tho Bceds of a fatal disoase. In threo years, Flo3sio. thoro wero two childern born to us. My Balary was quito in adequate for all tho added expenses. Then camo frottings and heartaches, nnd a six months' illness of my own. Wo suffered as none can understand save thoso who havo had similar ex periences. Your mother was 18 Flos eio. Bho Bhould not havo married at that nge. Our lovo was all right, but our marringo at that tinio was a fatal mistake. Now you know why I adviso you as I do." Long after the Judco had left tho liouso thQSnddeningoffect of his words remained, but youth is unablo to re main very long in tho shadow of an other's grief, and so after a whilo Miss Floroncedoffed her sweeping-can, put away her sud thoughts and went out into the garden. It was a warm April day, and shrubs and grass wore responding in their brightest manner to nature's caressing invitation. Such a day was too much for Flossie. Sho could scarcely havo been sad under any provocation, but a look at the bright, sunny fnco nnd the sparkling brown eyes was enough to convince one that tho spirit of mischief was ex ceedingly strong within her. Her co quettish garden hat was posed at the exact ancle for becomuigness, and her plump little figure, arrayed in a dross she had cut and mad e with her owninir hands, wa3 ono to be looked after and admired by overy lover of harmony. There waB a gate lending from tho Judge's garden to that of his million aire neighbor, tho latter being posses Bed of that genial and generous dispo sition wnich likes to share his pleas ures with others. Mr. Nicklepod. who was fond of working with his flowers, spent much of his time in his large hothouses, and thither the young woman, humming nnd smiling, betook herself. Mr. Nicklepod's ear-trumpet reposed by the side of a bed of carna tion pinks, while its owner busied himself with some orange trees further on. "I wonder how long I could stand it to yell Into an ear-trumpet?" the visitor soliloquized. "Of course I could hide it when I didn't feel like talking. But then I suppose he'd bb mak ing Bigns and faces at me.and I should havo to mako faces and signs at him, and that would bo worse than tho trumpet.". With this the judge's daughter seized the somewhat formid able looking instrument und went to meet ljf friend. "Wh.v. Blossom, good morning," said the millionaire, heartily. "No body but you ever thinks to bring mo my trumpet." "And nobody but mo would over think of hypothecating your trum pet," said iho naughty girl under her breath. "How's your pa?" Mr. Nicklepod continued. "Quite well, but a little cross," said Florence, bending over the "porring er" as she called it. "I hope you aro not cross, Mr. Nickelpod?" The Bmile deepened about the girl's mouth as she wondered what must havo been her expression of counten ance when giving Utteranco to these words. Bhe felt it to bo tho most de signing, speech oi her lifo. "Cross with you?" protested tho old man, gallantly: "impossible. I can't bolievo tho Judge is ever cross, Blossom; but if ho is, you can run right away to my houso any time, and you shall havo everything you want as long as you live." "I seem to bo travelling by light ning express, and on tho locomotive at that," said tho minx, sotto voico "But what would nana do?" sho ask ed of the trumpet. "You will be leaving him somj time, I sunposo Blossom?" "Yes, in about fifty years," said the zirl to herself. "And you see, child," Mr. Nicklo- fod wont on, "it would be very handy or your pa if he only had to como next door to seo you." "I never thought of that," said Flossie: "and I guess I'll come." said sho aloud, and then to herself, "I wish I dared ask him how long ho thinks ho is Koine to live," "I'vo a good mind to tako you at your word, Blossom. I'm a pretty old man, but heartj yet, and tliero is ono thing I haven't forgot, and that's how to treat women folks. I',m a very lonesome old duffer, too, with all my money, child," "Tho back gate would bo real con venient for papa, wouldn't it?" said Flosslo Into tho trumpot, and in a tono which was just on the edgo of a sob, "But by what gato could Jack como in?" was tho next thought, and now tho 3ob wns softly shattered, and tho April tears fell in a blinding mist. "Blossom, what's thomatter?" eaid tho old man, with real concern. "It can't bo possible that tho Judco has really boon cross enough to mako you cry?" "Oh, no. indcodi" said Flossio. "I was thinking how nice it would bo to havo all tho flowers I wanted." "You could havo had thoso at any time," waB tho somewhat disconcert ing response "Yes, Mr. Nicklepod" Flossio was determined to bo honest oven in tho hour of her greatest deceit "and all tho money." Tho seamed and wrinkled faco took on a grave expression, and tho old head shook a little at tho mention of tins word. "Money isn't everything, Blossom," ho said "Money won't provido mo with ears, or keep tho rheumatism out of my knees, or tho loneliness from my heart. But you shall havo money. Now go and tell John to cut all tho flowers you want, and then run homo and tell vour pa of my oiler; I think you had both better como in and tako dinner with mo to night, and wo'll talk it all over." "Ho doesn't act particularly hilari ous, sooms to me," said Flossie, as sho turned away. "But I'm engaged, any way plighted to an octogenarain, or a centurion, or something of that kind. Jack'll hate me, of course; but when ho finds I havo done it for his sake ho'll havo to relent. If I don't havo but a million, that will be better thon scraping and twisting tor years to Bavo fivo thousand dollars. Papa always said that riches would bo very becoming to me. Poor papa! Poor Jack!" When tho Judgo returned to his home, about 3 o'clock that afternoon, ho was much surprised to find his daughter reclining upon the library lounco with her head tied up. "What's the matter Flossie? What is it that smalls so?" "Vinocnr, papa. I'vo hadhysterics, and this Is the reaction." "I hope you aw not getting cranky, and weak, and nervous, liko tho girl of tho period, Floss." "I'm not getting anything, papa; I'vo got. I'vo not all 1 want, ami more than I want. I've cot old Mr. Nickle pod and his ear-trumpot for my fu ture husband, papa, and there's mill, ions in it; but where oh, whera is Jack?" For a moment tho Judge stood as ifpotrified and then burst into a perfect fit of laughter. At this point the vinegar baudago was discarded and the prospective millionairess camo to a silting position. "Isn't it funny? Isn't it vervfunnv?" Bho remarked, with flashing eyes. "But you aro responsible lor it, with your talk about $5,000. I went de liberately into Mr. Nicklepod's and made him propose to me. I was bound to settle it to-day. And now. Sapa, will you break tho news to ack? Wo aro to dine with tho ear trumpet to-night, and then exeunt parties and dances, with Jack bo handsome and lovely in his full-dress eiH, and enterlong-sleeved gowns nnd old ago without ears." "You'll have ears enough for both," said tho Judge. -They seem to havo grown longer since morning." "But, papa. Mr. Nicklepod is cer tainly over SO, isn't he?" "Flossie, what have yon been do ing?" "Truly, papa, just what I snid. 0, dear me, how my head aches! Mercy! how my heart aches!" "Upon my word I thought better of Nicklepod," said tho Judco to himself a while nfterwaid. "But" I pity the man young, old or middle-aged who gets my Floss!" nnd then the Judgo laughed again, though thero was a touch of something besides merriment in his heart. That evening the millionaire was at liis best. Carefully dressed and "val eted," as Flossie remarked, lie looked much younger then when in his Rarden or on the street. "Good for forty years. I should say, Floss," whispered the Judge, wicked- !y- "He in real handsome,-' was the as tonishing reply, "and I shall live to be proud of him. ' "I suppose Blossom has told vou of our compact," Mr. Niklepod began, when at dessert, tho servants having left the diiMiir.g-room. The Judge nodded, tho ear-trumpet being on Flossie's side "Aro you agreed?" was tho next di rect question put by the old gentleman. "Nod up and down," said Flossie. "Don't you dare do it sideways." Tho Judgo reached for tho trumpet and yelled into it. "Wo'll talk about that later." "Very wcll'sald Mr. Nicklepod; "I am, as I told Blossom, an old man, and perhaps not very good company; but I know how to treat women folks let 'em have their liberty, and givo them plenty of money eh?" and now the millionaire's faco was fairly radi ant. "That ought to bo Batisfactory," Bald tho Judgo; "but thero aro thoBe who would abuso such broad privi legesand ono of thorn is not so vory far off, either," ho added, under his breath. "Perhaps, but Blossom wouldn't bo ono of that kind. No, indeed, I am sure of Blossom." Tho Judgo Bhook his hood "side ways" that timo. It seemed an invol untary movement. "Can't you circumlocuto to how old ho is, papa?" Baid naughty Flossio. "I was tolling Neighbor Davis this morning," tho host began, as if in an Bwer to her question, "that I really look older than I am, being only 72 last week." "You are in for it," tho Judgo re marked, as tho speaker paused a mo ment to fill his class. "Feol of your cars, Floss, and learn for yourself if they haven't crown." "My fathor."Mr.Nicklenod resumed. "lived to bo 00 and then'dlod from an accident. My mother was in hor 90th year when sho passed away. In fact, wo aro a very long-lived race, though wo seem to ago early." "According to precedent twenty "Tho reason I haven't married again," tho millionaire went on, "is becauso I could never bring myself to believe that any one whom Icared for could ever care for mo; nnd to havo a wife whoso constant wish was for my death would bo rathor hard lines eh, Blossom?" "Blossom" managed to nod her head, but her faco was turned away from her host, and her father was sur prised to soo how palo it was . "Why aro you like Crosar's wite?" tholatter managed to ask, in his old joking manner. If Flossio lost her grip at this crisis tho consequences would bo more dramatic than no car ed to comtemplate. But hapyily the change from tho dinning-room to tho beautiful library caused a change in the conversation, nnd tho victim of her own folly had a chanco to recover herself. It wan a longstrance evening, and ono to be remembered whilo lifo lasted. Tho two men played check ers, while tho girl guest wandered about among tho books and pictures, stealing occasionally into tho great drawing-rooms, and coming back again as white nnd scared as if sho had seen a ghost. "Will it bo lonely for you, Blos som?" the old gentleman asked, as sho returned from one of theso excur sions. "I'vo been thinking," ho add ed, without waiting for an answer, "that it'll mako things about right if I enn persuade vour na to come. too. Ho has no ono but you, and then I need some business help, and it would bo a heartening thing to havo a truo friend at hand." "Oh. dear! ho is going to marry us both." muttered Flossie. "What do you say, Judge?" Mr. Nicklopod went on. "Suppose you try it for a year? Thero is no reason why this houso cannot bo a home to you both in tho truost sense of tho word. Do take pity on me, neighbors, for I beliovo I am the lonesomest old vagabond in tho whole world." "Judgo Somerton, I wish I was dead," said Flossie; and then, seizing tho trumpet, she said in broken tones: "Mr. Nicklepod. you aro an angel, nnd papa don't know what to say, and I am in just as bad a state. I'd lovo to live hero with all those beautiful things, and with you bo kind and generous, and so would papa that is, it he has a single sense left. And I made up my mind I would livo here, just necauso I loved Jack you know Jack and he hadn't any money, and he' couldn't marry me in about ten ages." "For mercy's sake, Floss," tho Judgo put in, imploringly, "don't be a simpleton." "It's begun, and ithasgotto come," was the cirl's quick answer. "And, Mr. Nicklepod, I thought somo time I could take Jack a lot of money that is, if hecouldwaitforme and I didn't see how I could really do you any harm that is, it you wero truly fond of me." ''You aro an honest, blessed girl," said tho old man, brushing away a tear, "and I am truly fond 'of you, and truly desirous to promote your best interests. But, Blossom, I would no sooner marry yon than I would kill you. Such a wicked thought has never crossed my mind. You shall havo two fathers, Blossom, and you shall havo Jack, too; but not to marry him now, becauso you are not old enough, nnd Jack hasn't had a chance to show what kind of stull thero is in him yet. Five years from now, it he proves worthy, you shall go to him with a dowry. -Then wo will have the jolliest wedding that over was, and I will dance with the bride." For a moment thero was utter silenco in the room, and then Flossie lifted her light hand, and with a characteristic movement of her little liorefinger, said into the trumpet: "You two men have had your heads together. That is as plain as tho noss on your lace," giving her father's nasal organ a little tweak. "But, Papa Nicklepod, Judge Somer ton nnd his daughter will bo with you anon, and the way you will have to stand round and mind the housekeep er will bo a caution." "All right," said Mr. Nicklepod; "give mo a kiss; and I do wish I could tell you how happy you havo made me." Tho kiss was civon, and it was no disgrace to Flossie tnat her eyes overflowed with toars. An engine coming east on tho liultimore it Ohio railroad hurst her boiler when midway between Keysor nnd Cumberland, killing Engineer Woodrulf. of Martlnsburg. W. Vu., and his flremun, Miller, of Cumberland. Gentlemen. What do we mean to-day by that common phrase, a .gentleman? By the lights of history, from gens, gen tills, it Bhould mean a man of family, "one of a kent house," ono of a notablo decent, thus embodying an ancient stupid belief and implying a modern scientific theory. Tho ancient and stupid belief camo to the ground, with a prodigious dust and tho col lapse of several polities, in tho latter half of tho lost century. There fol lowed upon this an interregnum, dur ing which it. waB believed that all men were born "free and equal," and that it really did not matter who your fathor was. Man haa always been nobly irrational, bandaging his eyes against tho facts of life, feeding him self on tho wind of ambitious false hood, counting his stock to bo tho children of tho gods; nnd yet perhaps he never showed in a more touching light than when ho ombraced this boy ish theory. Freedom wo now know for a thing incompatible with corpo rate life and a blessing probably pe culiar to the solitary robber; wo know, besides that every advanco in rich ness of oxistnnce, whether moral or material, is paid for by a loss of lib erty; that liberty is man's coin in which ho pays his way; tho luxury, and knowledge and virtue, and lovo and tho family affections, aro all so many fresh fetters on tho naked and solitary freomnn. And tho ancient stupid belief, having como to the ground, and tho dust of its fall sub Bided, behold the modern scientific theory bepining to rise very nearly on tho old foundation; and individuals no longer (as was fondly imagined) springing into life, from God knows where, incalculable, untrammeled, ab stract, equal to one another but is suing modestly from a race; with vir tues and vices, fortitudes and frailties, ready made; tho slaves of their inher itance of blood; eternally unequal. So that wo in the present, ana yet more our scientific descendants in tho future, must use, when wo desire to prns'so a character, the old expression, gentleman, in nearly tho old sense ono of a happy strain of blood, ono fortunate in descent from bravo and self-respecting nncestors, whether clowns or counts. And yet plainly this i3 of but little help. The intricacy of descent defies prediction, bo that oven the heir of n hundred sovereigns may oo oorn a oruto or a vulgarian. We may bo told that a picture is an heirloom; that does not tell us what tho picture represents. All qualities are inherited, and all characters; but which are the qualities that belong to the gentleman? What is tho charac ter that earns and deserves that hon orable style? And yet for all this am biguity, for all these imperfect ex amples, we know clearly what we mean by the word. When we meet a gentleman of another class, though nil contrariety of habits, thoessentials of tho matter stand confessed: I nev er had a doubt of Jones. More than that, wo recognize the typo in books; the actors of history, tho characters of fiction bear the mark upon their brow; at a word, by n bare act, wo discern and sogregato tho mass, this one a gentleman, tho othernot. Rob ert Louis Stephenson. The School of Patience. My dear boy, if a man can only cultivate patience and strength, it seems to me he will bo a good neigh bor, a pleasant man to do business with, a safe man to trust, and tho kind of a man the world loves, even though he lack, wisdom, and hath no cenius, and can't tell a good story or sing a note. How much does fretful, restless, hurrying old world owe to tho pa tient man, who finds his strength "in quietness and confidence," who can bo patient with our faults, our fan cies, our wickednoss: who can ba quiet when the soltest word would havo a sting; who can wait for storniti to blow over nnd for wrongs to light themsolves; who can patiently and silently endure a slight until he has forgotten It and who can even bo patient with himself? That's the fel low, my boy, who tries my patience nnd strength more than any man else with whom I havo to deal. I could get along with the rest of tho world well enough if he wero only out of it. I can meet all my other cares and enemiea bravely and cheerfully enough. But when myself comes to me, with his heart aches and blunders and stumblings, with his own follies and troubles nnd sins, somehow he takes all tho tuck out of me. My strength is weakness and my patience is folly when I come to deal with him. Ho tires me. Ho is such a fool. Ho makes tho same stupid blunders in the eamo stupid way so many times. Sometimes when I think I must put up with him and his ways all my life, I want to givo up. And then tho next time ho comes to mo with his cares and tho same old troubles, he seems so help less and penitent that I feel sorry for him, and try to bo patient with him, and promise to help him all I can once more. Ah, my dear boy, as you grow older, that is tho fellow who" will try you and torment you, and draw on yoursvmpathy, and tax yourpatience and strength. Be patient with him, poor old fellow, because I think he dopsloveyou.nndyet, as a nil e you am harder on him than any oue else Burdette. Sympt oms of Coffee Poison ing. Chronic poisoning by coffee has been studied by tiuelliot, of Reins, who finds it among well to do overfed in dividuals, whilo tea poisoning occurs in hard worked and half starved women. The symptoms of cofTeo poi soning are want of appetite, sleepless ness and nervous tremblings, with va rious indications of indigeition nnd torpor of liver. Tea poisoning re quites rest and nourishment; but the victim of coflee excess usually needs to unload his svstem by exercise una low diet. A Home In India. The Qutvor (or May A mud paved court, open to" tho sky that glorious sun-illumined Bky ot India, that gives poetry to every thing, but enclosed with walls and BUrrounded by a sort of arcade or veranda. Within it threo or four women wearing tho iooso trousers of Mussulman women and colored sareeB like the Hindus and several vounsr girls. They were not handsome, being rather of the thick-lipped Nubian type; but several of them, and es- fiecially the elder woman, whotoaches n the little school, looked intelligent, and thoy received us with ceurtesy and apparent pleasure. Tho children from outside wero not present, a circumstance for which tho elder woman apologized; but sho brought forward hor own children to bo ex amined, and they acquitted them selves with credit, reading fluently from an Indian primer and answering all tho questions my fiiend put to them. This family, poor as their surround- inga Beemed to be, enjoys a moderate prosperity. Comfort, as wo under- Btatid it, is unknown in Indian homes. Our next visit wns to be to a Hindu family of the poorer class. Our scramble'ovor rubbish heaps and drains recommenced, and landed us at tho foot of a breakneck flight of Btairs which, when wo had ascended, wo camo upon the funniest little cor ner of tho world in which it has over been my lot to find myself. It was part of a house, but what part It was uuu luunu n, uiuicuit to maico out. To me it seemed liko a balcony or ledge, hung on tho sido of tho house. On ono side, guarded by a high par apet, it was open to the sky, and looked down on a large, bare court; while on tho other sido was a range of untidy looking cupboards and cells. In this curious nest a little flock of women, young and old, with a few children wero gathered together. They received us with tho utmost courtesy a grace that nevor deserts the Hindu at home set for us the wicker stools that aro kept for visit ors, and drawing their sarees around them, squatted around ua after their fashion, One and another, In tho meantime, wero pouring out littlo ejaculations of welcome, which my friend, who is a fluent speaker of Hin dostani, answered smilingly. Present ly thero camo out from a'small enclos ure, which was mo ro like a bathing mnchino than anything else 1 can think of, a young and very pretty woman, with a small baby in her arms. Tho little creature, who ap peared to be the latest arrival in tho crowded nost, was handed round, kissed, praised and commented upon, whilo the young mother stood by smiling. I learned, upon inquiry, that she was eigiiteen years of age, and that this was her fourth child. The baby navmg received tho fitting amount of attention, a bright little girl, with eyes as brilliant as stars, was brought forward to read her les son. She was only seven years old. nnd her readiness, intelligence and pretty, ninsomo manner made her ono of tho most bewitching little crea tures I had ever beheld, while I must say that no English child of her years could havesurpassed her in knowledge. Other lntle ones, who were not so brilliant, follollowed, and then tho women took their turn, spelling out o! the Indian primmer patiently. Justice In Nevada. Two husky-looking men, wearing high-topped boots and brO ad brimmed hats well smeared with grease, met at the corner of Broadway and Seventh street.tho other day.says the Oakland (Cal.) Herald. "Hello, Jim!" said the tallest mam "I thought you wuz up in Nevada. When did yer come down?" "Jest got in," replied the other. "How's things been coin' up thar iur ther past year er two?" "Sort o' lively. Er little while alter you left Swaphorpe Gulch I wuz er lected chief ov perlice," "Sthat so?" "Yaas. Er few months after that I kniled Billy Botts fur mnkin' er five card draw an' oatchin' four aces agin my four king" pat, an' by er speshul erlection 1 wuz made mayor ot ther town without er dissentin' vote." "Yer don't say so!" "Yaas. Pnrty soon after that I got stuck on Dave Sweeney's wife, filled Dave with lead, got him planted out in ther corpse pjitch. an' married ther woman. Ther citizens showed ther erprecintion ov me by givin' me er cold-beaded cane an' er interest in ther town-site." "You wuz bavin' er run ov luck. Whut mado yer pull out?" "Waal, I got mad er few weeks ergo an' made er fool ov myself." "How?" "Twtirz erbout er horse belongln' tor Joe Comstock, ther drayman. Yer see, Joe's hor6egot inter my yard one dny, an begun ter eat up Borne floweramy wife had planted out in front ov the house, lgotmndan' throwed er stun at him. It hit him on ther leg, an made er ringbone. Ez soon az ther horse begun ter git fame Joe told ther citizens erbout it, an' they started out ter string mo up to a tree; but I got onto 'em an' skipped ther town." "That's tufl." "I wouldn't care so much erbout it, but I've jst heerd that senco I left, Joe's cone ter livin' with my wife an' is wearin' my black hat an' cold headed cane, an' I henr thar's er move on foot ter elect him mayor in my place an' run him fur the Legisla tur' next year." . . The sugar trust. Investegatlon was com menced in New York recently nnd tho p titionois decluro that Hnrry O. llave meyer und others havo formed an associa tion known as the sugar refineries com pany, assuming without' the authority or legislative enactment and without being chartered or incorporated; that the object ot this association In to create a monopo ly for tlii purpose otcoutrolling prices, and adjudges It guilty of usurping, unlawfully holding nnd oxercising a franchise or priv ilege, and, la consequence, a publlo nuisance. Collision With a Hairpin. "Marchy weather," remarked old Mrfltottle, us ho seated himself at tho breakfast table and examined his napkin to Beo whether he recognized the stains. It was ono of hoso rare mornines when all the boarders had como down early to breakfast an incident, tho Landlady remarked, which restored her flickering faith in human nature. No ono answered old Mr. Bottle's remark. Ho took tho conversational trick, as it were, and everbody waited for his second lead. Tho Bank Clerk was bending all his faculties to decide whether tho egg he had just opened was genuine or a counterfeit, and the Younger of tho Two Maiden Ladies, who disliked con densed milk In her coflee, was watch ing for an opportunity to appropriate unnoticed a coodly share of all the natural articles on the table. As for tho Young Lnlv Boarder, she was busy with the marriage no tices in tho morning papers, and of course could not be expected to an Bwer. Old Mr. Bottle finished his oatmeal, and finding that he had left his spectacles up stairs gavo up at tempting to read the paper. "Thanks, Mrs. Codhooker," ho said affably, addressing the Lnndhulv, "you may give me a bit of hash this, morning. The fact is," added the old uentleman to tho table generally, "I find it delightful to be in a really homelike boarding house, where I can feel that the food is trustworthy, and I am not continually tortured by the profound conviction that every articlo of food I eat is composed of alien sub stancos. "I remember." hocontinued genially, "when I was at college years ago, we boarded in commons, and you never could tell just what vou ate. The food was fearfully and wonderfully made. Ono day my chum, who was sitting next to mo eating apple pie as calmly as you please, "all at once struck a stratum of unmistakable kerosene in that pie, real coal oil, mixed with the pio crust, and ap " Old Mr. Bottle suddenly stopped hi3 reminiscences. He was on his last mouthful of hash, and there seemed to have been a collision of some sort. With an agonized expression on his face, he slowly produced a piece of bent wire. Thero was no room for doubt. Evon the landlady had to ad mit it. It was a hairpin. Thero was a pause before old Mr. Rottlr, gathered strength tospenk.and then he spoke in tones oi deepest sor row as of one whoso confidence is shattered: "Mrs. Codhooker, I did not expect this of you. If I wero young and my eyesight sound, I shouldn't mind, but o' me. an old man. and my upectaclos upstairs it's cruel." The landlady, in a bonified state murmured that it was a mistake. But somehow the excuse didn't seem very fitting, and the kerosene pie episode remained unfinised. Old Mr. Bottle sat in silence shipping his coflee in a suspicious manner, and the Bank Clerk remarked to tho landlady that perhaps he had better take another egg and bo on tho safe side. A Wonder in Industry. Some faint idea of tho enormous proportions to which the canning in dustry has grown, is given by this clipping from the Commercial Enquir er of New York: "A man who conveys the impression that he knows what ho is talking about, estimates that 'tho packers of food in this country use in their busi ness somo 1,000,000,000 cans annu ally. A box of tin plates weighing from 108 to 112 pounds piovides about 8 cases oi cans. A case con tains ono dozen three pound cans, or two dozen one pound cans.' There fore, according to his figuring, nboxof tin will make something like 100 cans, so that it requires something like 10. 000,000 boxes of tin plate to make the cans used yearly. The weight of the metal alone is about 110,000.000 pounds, and tho cost, our informant tells us, is in the neighborhood of $45, 000,000." Champagne Seasickness. Chicago Journal. When Mr. Lincoln made his visit to General Grant's camp at City Point, Va., in 1804, he was met by the Gen eral and his staff.and upon being ask ed how ho was, said: "I am not feel, ing well. I got pretty badly shaken up on the bay coming down, and I am not altogether over it yet." "Let me send for a bottle of champagne for you, Mr. President," said one of tho staff officers; "that is tho best remedy I know of for seasickness." "No, no, my young friend," Bnid Mr. Lincoln: "I've seen many a man in my time seasick ashore from drinking that very article." A New Theory of Divorce. "Idon'twnntto leave my husband,' said an indignant wife, "or he is a. real nice man and I like 'him. But once in a while he takes too much wine, to say nothing of other cheaper and stronger drinks, and then he is positively insufferable. If I could cet some Hort of divorce that would work when he is full and stop working when he is sober, that would answer my purpose perfectly. But a woman has mighty little show in this country." Omaha World. A few days ago a drunken Kentuckfnn of tho name of "Dick" roamed around to the enfo of tho New York hotel threatening to "do up" any one ho would not nzree with him in all things. JIo declared l)n'i he was a Southern "liro-eator" and was looking for blood. Finally a well-dressed, good-looking young man walked up to him and knocked bin down, liotoro tho Ken tuckinn knew what hnd happened ho re ceived a sound thrashing, and hb Kind to mike his escape. The good-looking young man as Fred May. j1