Hemingford herald. (Hemingford, Box Butte County, Neb.) 1895-190?, November 22, 1895, Image 7

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Tnketi from PrUon at Night and Shot
by the Glare or Torch Ills Ilrnvo
Hearing to tho Knit Ills I.nt Act an
that awful night
'defy description.
Tho castlo of Vln
cenncs was beset
with guards when
Anally, at about an
hour before mid
night, tho various
members of tho
court assembled.
Their looks were
dark and troubled as they wondered
who tho mysteriouB culprit might be.
None know but Hulin tho president, tho
judge-advocate, and Savory the des
tined executioner. In a neighboring
room was tho duko, palo and exhausted
by his long Journey, munching a slcnd.r
meal, which ho sharod with his dog,
and explaining to his Jailer his doleful
thoughts at tho prospect of a long im
prisonment. It would be ameliorated If
only ho could gratify his passion for
hunting, and surely they two, as
prisoner and kcepor, might range tho
forest In company. But at last he fell
asleep from sheer fatigue.
Tho Jailer; Harol, a picked man who
had kept guard over Arena and his
fellows (who, it will bo recalled, had
been executed on unproved charges of
conspiracy to assassinate Bonaparte),
was a sometime fiery Jacobin. He could
not well encourage tho expectations of
his new prisoner, dreary as they were,
for ho had that morning supervised the
digging of a grave in the castle moat.
At midnight tho duko was awakened
and confronted with the Judge-advocate.
Real was unaccountably absent,
and tho Interrogatory so carefully pre
pared by tho chief magistrate was not
at hand. To tho rude questions form
ulated by Hulln, with tho aid of a
memorandum from Murat, the prisoner,
In spite of repeated hints from the mem
bers of the court-martial as to tho con
sequences, would only reply that he
had a pension from England, and had
applied to her ministers for military
service; that ho hoped to fight for his
cause with troops raised in Germany
from nmong the disaffected and the
emigrants; that he had already fought
against France. But he stoutly denied
any relations with Dumouriez or
Pichegru and all knowledge of the plot
to assassinate the First Consul.
Ho was then called to tho bar In tho
dimly lighted sitting-room where the
commission sat. To tho papers con
taining questions and answers ho was
ironically permitted to afflx a demand
for an audience with the First Consul.
"My name, my station, my mode of
thought, and. tho horror of my situa
tion," ho said, "inspire me with hope
that he will not refuse my request."
The Revolutionary tribunal followed its
Instincts; its members, knowing well
tho familiar statutes under which such
bodies had acted since the days of tho
Convention, but not having at hand tho
words or forms of a verdict ob pro
scribed by the pitiless laws concerning
those who had borne arms against
France, left In tho record a blank to be
filled out later, and pronounced their
judgement that tho "regular sentence"
be executed at once. They were actual
ly engaged In composing a petition for
clemency to tho First Consul when
Savary entered tho room and informed
himself of what had been dono and
what thoy were then doing. Snatching
the pen from Hulln's hand, he ex
claimed, "Tho rest is my affair," and
left the room.
It was now two In tho morning of
tho 21st. "Follow me," said the taci
turn Harel, "and summon all your
courage." A few paces through tho
moat, a turn of a corner, and tho flare
of torches displayed a file of troops not
far from an open grave. As the ad
jutant began to read the sentence, the
victim faltered for a moment and ex
claimed, "Oh Cod! what have Idone?"
But in an instant he regained the mas
tery of hiraBelf. Calmly clipping a lock
of his hair, and drawing a ring from
his finger, he asked that thoy might be
sent to the Princess Charlotte. A vol
ley and in an instant he was dead.
Little Martha Plujra Detective.
Little Martha Flynn of Chicago, 7
ycarB old, Is probably the youngest de
tective on record. Tho other day 8he
saw n colored boy snatch a lady's pock
ctbook. No policeman was in sight,
but little Martha followed the boy and
saw him mount a span of wooden ze
bras at a merry-go-round. Then Bhe
scampered to the nearest police station
and excitedly told her story. An offi
cer accompanied her to the merry-go
round, where sho pointed out tho young
thief, who had spent 10 cents of the $5
contained In the stolen pocketbook, and
said he had intended to spend the en
tire ?5 on tho zebras nnd thus break
the record. Little Martha was given a
bag of candy, and invited to call again
when she had a hot tip.
gome Strange VUltlng Cards.
Calling In Corea must be a very diffi
cult performance, If, as a London Jour
nal has recently stated, the, ordinary
visiting cards there are a foot square.
The same journal goes on to say that
the savages of Dahomey announce their
visits to each other by a wooden board
or the branch of a tree artistically
carved. This Is sent on In advance,
and tho visitor, on taking leave, pock
ets his card, which probably Berve3 him
for many years. The natives of Suma
tra also have a visiting card, consisting
of a piece of wood about a foot long and
decorated with n bundle of straw and a
Queer rhrAr of XatWn and Foreign
All editors nro astonished r.v the
poor English written by many of tholt
would-be contributors, whose spelling
nnd penmanship Indlcato that they
hnvo had a fair degree of education.
Usunlly this stupidity in tho use and
choice of words seems to arise from a
lack in the senBo of humor. Even n
university course, as every ono knows,
cannot mako up for this essential
quality, which is absolutely necessary
to literary success. A writer need not
bo humorous; but ho must have n
quick perception of what is ridiculous,
In order to avoid making himself so.
Thus, only a person deficient In this
vital respect could have written of her
heroine that sho had "deep, dark
hair"; that sho had "that rareness of
expression which baffles the most
learned to understand"; thnt "Maud
had grown weary of setting in the
porch"; that her lips were "wreathed
in a smile that strangely reminded mo
of an angel"; and that "her strange
nature enchained my fancy." Also,
only such a one, or a person phenom
enally Ignorant, could concludo a stan
za of poetry, as did one young woman,
with the line:
May gladness and Joy bo your doom.
This Individual may have been re
lated to him who chanted:
Oh, put me in no sepulchre,
Or dim vnult, sad and gloomy;
But let my narrow bed be lain
Within some meadow roomy."
When oven native Americans make
such havoc with their language, it is
not singular that foreigners have se
vero struggles to master it. Transla
tors, who consider themselves compe
tent ,to express in Englsh the litera
ture of their own lands, sometimes
provo themselves amusingly unequal
to the task. This was tho case with
the courageous gentleman who sent
to nn editor a story containing the fol
lowing passages:
"He said with an air of most de
spising disdain."
"His whole attire gave him a most
distinguished and gentlemanly appear
ance." "'Out' burned Marguerite, terri
fied." "To solicit in the name of tho Ger
mnlno Republic, tho annexation of his
native city to France."
"He wore velvet trouser, all spotted
with ink."
"He was beginning to resume him
self." "It seemed as though his heart would
bound from Its envelope."
"Sho gave him by look a most ele
gant thank."
"Tho rain, pushed by tho wind, heat
ed his handsome face."
Tho rirayttno' ItlianvoriUt Kuloglzes
Thin Useful Member.
Some one has fallen In lovo with a
mouth, and his mouth Is full of praise
and song. To him some mouths look
like peaches and cream, some like a
holo chopped in a brick wall to admit a
door or window. The mouth is n hot
bed of toothaches and a baby's crown
ing glory. It is patriotism's fountain
head, and the tool chest for pie. With
out it the politician would bo a wan
derer on tho face of tho earth, and the
cornetiat would go down to an
unhonored grave. It Is tho
grocer's friend, tho orator's pride
and tho dentist's hope. Rosa
lind wished all her friends were
ono mouth so that she might kiss it.
Much more than a mdstacho depends
upon tho mouth. Now Orleans "Pica
yune. KegnrdlcR of Kxpcnse.
This Is a story about a man over In
Alexandria, who has a great deal of
money, to which ho is deeply attached.
He Is, in fact, so attached to it that he
hates to be separated from a dollar of it.
He has a silk hat, too, a well-preserved
silk hat of great age and undoubted re
spectability. Ho Is fond of his hat,
and he'd like to wear It every day, but
slik hats, you know, are expensive, so
he has been wearing his for theso many
years just on Sunday. On week days
he wears a shocking bad hat, which
does not Concern this story. The last
time the storks visited tho Alexandria
man's houso they were generous. They
brought twins, a boy and a girl. The
father was sitting in tho parlor when
somebody entered to bring the news.
"Weli, you're, a father now," said tho
"Boy or girl?" asked the Alexandria
BoUj; twins."
"Gieat Scott!" cried the father,
springing to his feet. "Give me my
silk hat. I might aB well wear It every
day now. What's the use trying to be
economical, anyway?
What I an Kdltlon?
London Graphic: What Is an edi-
tlon? Does it consist of 1,000 volumes
or of BOO or fifty or five? The word is
not a technical term llko "gross" or
"dozen" or any like expression bear
ing a fixed numerical significance, and
there la, of course, no reason why It
should not mean anything from the
lowest to tho highest of these numbers,
according to the tasto and fancy or It
may be tho tactics, of the particular
publisher who employs It. Only now
that that enterprising person
shows himself bo anxious to keep tho
public regularly Informed as to the
sales of the works Issuing from his
house it might be as well to come to
some understanding on this point. We
know what Is meant when we read
that Miss Ahena Daring's new novel
is "In Its twentieth thousand," where
as that statement that It is "In its
forty-fifth edition" conveys to us sim
ply no Information at all.
Good celery salad is contingent upon
the quality of the oil used. Avoid the
kind used to lubricate machinery.
Mncli Utod In Our Language l'utzle
the I'roncliinru.
Tho lines beginning:
'"Twas whispered In heaven, 'twas
muttered In hell,
And echo cnught faintly tho sound nt
It fell,"
attributed to Lord Byron, but really
by Cntherlne Fanshnwc, have tho letter
"h" for their mot d'enigme, says the
Spectator. Hawthorne gavo ono of hla
best-known works the namo of "Tho
Scarlet Letter," and one of Charles
Lamb's ineffectual dramas Is called
"Mr. H.," Its not very entertaining plot
turning on tho concealment of the
hero's real name, which in tho end Is
found to bo Hogsflcsh. Headers of
Dlokeus will romomber "Mr. F.'h aunt,"
whllo the riots at Convent Garden thea
ter, familiarly known n tho "0. P."
riots, live chiefly In the pages of "Re
jected Addresses." When members of
tho Bamo profession speak of Individ
uals by professionally abbreviated
titles, it is generally a slgii that the
speakers are "tnlklng shop." Army
men, for Instance, strew their conver
sation and documents with so many
vowels and consonants that thoy seem
to be making uso of a Bpeclnl cipher,
unlntelllglblo to outsiders. Thcro Is
nothing derogrtory to a member of par
liament or n queen's counsel In being
spoken of as "M. P." or "Q. C"; It is a
familiar abbreviation In which all tho
mombers of parliament nnd all tho
queen's counselors Bhnro, and written
documents nro naturally so addressed,
but some of tho abbreviations used In
conversation have a decidedly collo
quial ring about them. As a nation we
seem to havo a faculty for casting off
superfluous words and phrnECS and for
making use of contractions, and our
titles of honor prosent a perennial
source of difficulty to tho foreigner. It
must puzzle a Frenchman unacquainted
with our social distinctions to discover
tho meaning of "Bart." or "Kt." or
"Esq.," or to unravel the lntrlcaclea of
"K. C. S. I." or "M. F. H.," though on
tho part of a -Briton such ignorance
would mean ignorance of tho usages of
society. On the other hand, initials may
bo used in n derogatory sense. If wo
hear in private conservation a man re
ferred to as "old J.' we may bo sure it
is hardly Intended as a compliment;
while the bourgcoiso who calls her
husband "Mr. J." at once convoys to
her hearers a sense of easy nnd vulgar
familiarity. In our complex civiliza
tion symbols have come to bo looked
upon as Integral portions of the system
of decorations and awards.
A Yi'omnn RIiIor n Urn It o Itritnt.
On the arrival of a Burlington
freight train at Huntly, Mont., recent
ly, tho trainmen discovered a young
and handsomo woman and a boy riding
upon ono of the brake beams in ap
proved tramp fashion. Tho woman
gavo her name as Mrs. Peterson, and
said her husband, a barber, had de
serted her and a baby several months
ago at Billings. Besides herself and
baby, sho had a mother and a little
brother to support. A few days ago
sho spent her last money to purchase
tickets for her mother and baby to
Sheridan, Wy where they havo
Trlends, and ono night sho took tho lit
tle brother climbed on the brake beam
of an outgoing freight, and had been
riding nearly all night wheu discov
ered. Tho trainmen gavo them a place
in tho caboose tho remainder of their
Stilt Nearer.
Relationships are very confusing to
the juvenile mind, but there are not
many children so delightfully nt sea as
tho small girl of tho following story:
Sho appeared with a small brother at
a public school, and gavo In their names
as "Ralph and Edith Johnson."
"Brother and sister, I suppose," said
tho teacher.
"Oh no, ma'am," said the little girl,
"we'ro twins!"
Tho British isles compriso 1,000
separate islands and islets, without
counting the Juttlngs rocks or isolated
It has been estimated that electric
railways have already displaced in the
United States no less than 275,000
The pear crop In Georgia this year Is
the largest on record. It la estimated
by those in a position to know and to
Judge correctly that it will exceed 300,
000 barrels.
Tho "life tree" of Jamaica Is harder
to kill than any other species of woody
growth known to aborlculturlsts. It
continues to grow and thrives for
months after being uprooted and ex
posed to tho sun.
It is a singular coincidence that In
South Dakota a week or so ago It was
necessary to close the schoolB on ac
count of tho intense heat, and two days
later thoy were closed again because of
the excessive cold.
In the country districts, both In Eng
land and Germany, there 13 an idea that
if the bees swarm upon a rotten tree
there will be a death In the family own
ing or living on tho property before tho
expiration of a twelve-month.
In the early days of Christianity
many styles of dating were in vogue,
and eras were established with the an
nunciation, the birth, tho transfigura
tion, the ascension and other ovents in
the history of Christ as starting points.
In many nations it has been believed
that an individual bitten by a dog may
cure himself by placing three of tho
dog's hair3 on tho wound. Tho idea is
expressed in tho English proverb: "Tho
hair of the dog is good for tho bite."
As a division of timo, the week has
been used in the east from immemorial
ages. It does not seem to bo a natural
division of time, though several peri
ods of animal economy, such ob the in
cubation of eggs, correspond with
weeks. '
A Queer Mixture of Innate High Itrreil
Ing and Acquired Low Tauten Walk-'
Ior on the Kdge of Moral Quae
N the Princess Met
ternlch was an'ln
cxpllcablc mlxtunt
or Innnto high
breeding nnd ac
quired tastes of
lower d o g r e o.
When Bhe appeared
In society, at her
very first entrnnco
there could bo no
mistake; from head
to foot sho wns tho
high born lady tho "grando dnmo."
Yet she had an extraordinary Inclina
tion for walking on tho odgea of mornl
quagmires, and peeping Into thcm.wlth
a proud conviction that her foot could
never slip. There nro stories of her im
prudent adventures; but sho escaped
unscathed, nnd had no other motive in
soeking them than curiosity foolish,
morbid curiosity as to people and mat
tors which should never have boon oven
mentioned in her presenco. Sho acted
with n degree of rashness and folly
which would have ruined most women,
jui no one over really attacked her
reputation; all allowed thnt, according
to the expression of n lndy of tho court,
"she had nover crossed tho Rubicon."
Notwithstanding all her follies, the
Princess Metternlch was fnr from being
silly; on tho contrary, sho hnd consider
able wit and great sharpness of ropar
tee. As she did not care for anything
sho said, her retorts were often very
clever and amusing, but too frco to bo
easily repeated. Sho delighted in sing
ing songs from music-halls and Interior
theaters. Haughty as sho was. sho In
vited to her dinner-table a Dinger of
equivocal celebrity at that time, whom
no ono else would havo dnrcd to receive;
and even took lessons from her, so as to
sing her songs with duly pointed em
phasis, writes Anna L. Blcknell In the
Tho mischief done by the exnmpl j of
the Princess Metternlch Is indescrib
able. Sho throw down tho barrier
which hitharto had separated respect
able women from thoso who were not,
nnd led tho way to a liberty of speech
and liberty of action which were un
known before. She wns much attached
to her husband, and, in oesontlnls, was
a good wife; others less favorably sit
uated may not hnvo escaped as Bhe did
from the natural consequences of look
ing too closely over tho frontier of the
Dcbatablo Land. It Ib not unlikely
that the excesslvo pride of the Princess
Metternlch may havo led her to imag
ine that in Paris she might do anything
wunout compromising her dignity. For
instance, sho wns Intimate with a lady
who, ulthough received everywhere in
Parisian Boclety, did not cccm to bo
sufficiently her equal In rnnk to be
come her friend. To a remark on the
subject oho carelessly answered: "Oh,
it is all very well here; of course I could
not see her In Vienna."
Sho is reported to have made a more
Impertinent speech whllo on n visit nt
Compelgnc, Tho short, loopod-up
skirts woro Just beginning to be worn;
the Empress had not yet ndopted them,
nnd tho Princess Metternlch had boon
urging her to do so, against tho opinion
of her ladles. When tho EmprcsB left
tho room one of the ladies in waiting
said to the Princess, "Would you give
tho Eamo ndvico to your Empress?"
"Oh, no," replied tho princess; "but
tho caBO Is qulto different the Em
press Elizabeth is a real Empress."
I have no positive information as to
the absolute reliability of this report;
but It In not unliko tho style of tho
Princess Metternlch, and was current
ly repeated.
On another occasion at Compolgne.
in the preeonce of the EraproBs, on a
rainy day which had brought eoiiio
dullness Into tho circle, the Princess
Metternlch, by way of diversion, sud
denly Beized one of the ladles In wait
ing, tripped her up In school-boy fash
Ion, and lnld her fiat on her back, pros
trate on the floor. This was told to me
by an eye-witness of tho scene, which
shocked every one present, and the
more so because tho victim chosen (the
Comtcsse de M ) was particularly
ladylike, quiet, and unoffending.
tA WmkmM Wm iff lw
.THe offer f William Deenng to give $1D,000 towards a new Y M C A
nnn hnS ?van8ton' pnn-'u" ?60,000 was raised by members of the assockt
ion, has aroused much enthusiasm in that city. A canvassing commltteo will
bo appointed at once and tho work of raising tho money bo begun. The asso
ciation already has a loL This was purchased two years ago and nut Into the
hands or John R Llndgren as trustee. It cost ?22.500 ami Is on Orrlng on
avenue near Davia street. On tho building commltteo nro William Boyd, John
U Llndgren, John M. Ewen, and C. B. Cougdon. The plans for tho proposed
building show a fron age of 132 feet on Orrington avenuo and a depth or 210
fV nh0,bu,fld,ngwm P''ese1 "rick with terra-cotta trimmings and tiled
i oof. On the first floor or the front section will be stores. On the second floor
will be tho association rooms. Including an audience-room seating 300. On tho
third floor will bo additional association rooms, studios, and apartments for
young men and a gymnasium and nntatorium. In tho rear section theio will
be an auditorium. 74x97 feet, seating 1.300. Tho income from Btores nnd apart
mH J8 ?xpect,e( l0 Pay ,the. Patlug expenses of the building, while member
ships and special subscriptions will defray association oxponses.
Itmult or nn Interesting Wager !
txterii n Lean nnd n Fat Mn
They mndo a bet. Tho fat man
thought ho had all tho worst of life,
whllo tho thin man hold that flesh was
a blessing.
"Just In tho ordinary affairs of every
day life," began tho fat man.
"That's what I'm referring to," put In
tho thin man. "Go homo with mo this
afternoon nnd I'll demonstrate it for
BUpper nnd theater tlckotB."
So thoy started together from ono of
the big oinco buildings, nnd, na they
were leaving tho office ti man in a big
hurry entered. -
Tho thin man wib nblo to dodge him,
but ho fouled tho fnt man, of course,
"Thcro you are," said tho fat man as
soon as ho had recovered his breath.
"Every blind fool runs into mo."
"That's nothiug," returned tho thin
man, as ho stepped on tho elevator and
was promptly crowded into tho corner
by a 250-pound woman.
" Wo're oven," ho said, an they renched
tho street.
"Not quite," returned tho fat man, as
ho wiped tho perspiration from his face.
"You'ro comparatively cool, whllo I'm
melting away."
"But you'll havo a chanco to bo com
fortablo when wo rench tho car."
"No morn than you."
"Walt ami eee."
Thoy each took ono of tho tioata dc
signed to hold two pcrnons less than
medium size and for a block were on
equal terms. Then a big man got on.
There were four or five otlver peopla
Whom ho could sit beside, but he singled
out this thin man and soon hnd him
wedged In so tightly that he could
hardly breathe. A few blocks further
on tho scat ahead was vacated and tho
thin man moved to it. Two minutes
Inter a woman with puffed alcoves got
on and ngain ho wna singled out. Sho
gavo him such an indignant look be
cause he could not mako all tho room
necessary for the sloovcs that ho got up
and moved to tho Bldo of a man of mo
di inn Klr.e. Tho man got oft at tho next
corner and a fnt woman took his place.
Again tho thin mnn wan crowded
against tho side of tho scat and his face
showed tho agony ho wns in.
"But that was an exceptional case,"
protested tho fat man when tho two hnd
left the car.
"On tho contrary, It's a regular
thing," replied tho thin man, "You eon
see it any day l j-eii watch out. The
thin man nover gets a seat to himself.
Hg'b nlwnys selected as n scat compan
ion and crowded and crushed until his
bones ache. I'll havo that supper with
you to-morrow night."
And ho did. Ex.
lie Willi Itoiuliideil.
Some men who nro oxtremely tena
cious of tholr opinions will acknowledge
themselves In tho wrong' frankly
enough when they aro convinced of tho
fact. In illustration of this, n justice
of tho United States Supremo court
lately told a story.
There was once, he said, a young
Irishman, an officer in tho Lancers, who
had served with Wellington in tho Pen
insula war. After his return ho was
asked nt a dinner party by his neigh
bor, a burly young EngllBh officer, if ho
would havo somo of the nnchovies.
"Indeed, I will, " said tho Lancer.
"I havo oeen them growing In Spain."
"Growing!" exclaimed tho English
man, in incredulous Burprlse.
"Yes, growing," rejoined tho Irish
man Bharply. "I've seen wholo bushes
of them, and picked them, too."
"You are crazy, mnn," said tho En
glishman. "Anchovies don't grow on
bushes; they swim In tho sea."
Tho Irishman insisted that they grew
on bushes. Tho controversy waxed hot,
and the Ho was exchanged. In thoso
days n duel was tho inevitable result of
such a scene, Next morning tho prin
cipals wero placed faco to fnco on the
Held, with pistols in their hands. The
Irishman's second whispered to him:
"Shoot low, my boy, and seo him cut
up capers."
At that word tho Irishman called out,
"Hold! I am wrong! It wns enpera.
not anchovies, thut I saw growing In
It In well, perhaps, to become lued to
disappointment In early life.
"Have you named your baby brother
yet, Adams?"
"Yeth thir. They've called him
Gcorgy, after Undo Georgo, and I don't
llko it a bit. I wanted him named
Adamth after me," Harper's Young
MIchtcMiiter, Aorordlng to the Dt.xTtj
Aro Not the True Illuod.
"I wao on tho loBlng Bldo during tho
late war," said Roger Blnckenahlp te a
party of veta who wero fighting their
battles o'er again in tho corridors of the
Southern. "I belonged to a Mississippi
regiment, and tho Jnst other's son of
Ub expected to return lion with at least
a doxenynnkco ccalps dangling nt his
belt. Our oratortf had led us to believe
that all wo had to do was to show our
selves and the ynnku would break for
tall timber. Our colonel was a planter
and n small fry politician who hnd
never seen n real live ynnkoo, and ho
fully expected to plant our regimental
colors on the dome of tho national cap
Uol before wo hnd been out a month.
We were eager for the fray.
"Just before Grant Invested Donel
eon wo encountered a scouting party of
Mlchlgnnders. They numbered only
about forty, and tho colonol took tho
company to which I bolonged and at
tempted to head them off. Thoy made
a hnsty scamper for a brush field that
watt surrounded by a rail fence, and we
broke rankn and lit out after them In
go-ns-you-ploaso order. Every man of
s wnntod a yankeo nnd realized that
thcro wero not enough to go round.
JuBt as wo mounted tho fenco wo re
ceived a volloy that laid a score of men
out. Before wo could recover from our
surprise thoBo Michlganders wero over
the fence and at work on ub with their
sabers and six-shooters. We concluded
that we had mndo a mfotako that wo
didn't want any yankcos nftor nil.
"The colonel was tho first man back
to enmp. Half his left ear hud been
shot away and ho had an ugly Baber
gash In his shoulder. I helped the sur
geon fix him up, and after we had mado
him comfortable ho turnod to the major,
who 1b also ah editor, and Bald sol
emnly; 'Yor'vo boon n-tollln' us In yer
darned old pnpor that tho yankees
wouldn't fight. Dodrnt yer meaaley
hide, what do yer call flghtln'7' Tho
major replied that thoac men were west
erners, only half yankceo. 'Only half
ynnkcest' unortod tho colonol. "Damme
if I ain't goln homo! If thorn's only
half yankees, I'll Just bo dad burned If
I'm goin't' tncklo any wholo ones.' "-Ex.
DiTcllotlnn of the Jfow Woman.
'Laura," said tho husband of the
emancipated womnn Btornly,
"What Ib it, dear?" asked tho latter
in n conciliatory manner, for she saw
that trouble waif coming.
"Laura, In tho last throe wooks I havo
given you three letters . to mall, ad
dreBbcd to dear papn. What have you
done with them?"
"Mnilod thorn, of course," replied tho
wretched woman, in a determination' to
bluff It out If possible
"Laura," the husband went on, "that
Is not true. 1 received a letter from
pupa to-day In which ho sayB ho has not
heard from mo In a month, and anx
iously asking if anything la tho matter.
Now you havo got thoBo letters eome
whero about your clothes ir you haven't
lost them. I know just as well an I
know that I am stnndlng here that you
never moiled thoso letters. Now go
through your pockets and see If you
haven't got them."
Tho emancipated woman commenced
to look through her pockets and soon
turned out tho missing letters, which
she laid on tho table, with tho remark,
"Well, I could have sworn that I put
those lettero In tho lottor-box at tho
Tho man sneered. "You can't trust a
woman to do anything," ho retorted.
"Hereafter I'll mail my own letters and
I won't occupy your very valubje timo
with Buch errandB. Before you go I
want ?10 for household expenses.
The emancipated woman meekly laid
tho money down on the table and went
away with tho remark that she would
leave the ofllco early In tho afternoon
and come after her husband to take him
to tho matinee. Harper's Bazar.
In tho early autumn the bon vivanta'
fancies lightly turn to thoughts of
A Welsh rabbit will assist one in
keeping awako who haB to sit up with a
sick friend.
The abundance of peaches this year
would be more appreciated Jf they wero
of a better, firmer quality,
Good oranges are scarc nnd exjnm
slve, and lemons, as to price, may be
said to have gone up In a balloon.
The Chinese havo more ways of
cooking a chicken than we, with all
our culinary philosophy, ever dreamed
There is a popular Impression that a
Trench cook could mako a delicious
boup out of an ordlnury billiard ball.
Those to whom pears are a fatal fruit
$cem to increase. Therefore, look not
upon the Burtlett when It la granite.
Young turkey is seasonable and pala
table, although farmers Bay they would
bo all the better "hardened up" with
cooler weather.
Apple pies at a Catskill hotel are de
scribed as having a "hardwood finish,"
that Ib to say, a crust apparently made
of the real Georgia pine.
Immersed In hot water before bitten,
the race track restaurant sandwich les
sens the necessity of going direct from
that place to tho nearest dentist.
Cabbage nnd cauliflower are the two
vegetables that can never bo cooked at
home without the world knowing what
you are going to have for dinner.
Venison stewed with wjne in a chaf
ing dleh will soon bo In order, taking
the place of monotonous Welsh rabbit,
which revived the chafing dish two
winters ago,
The cook who servos woodcock with
out their heads should straightway bo
given opportunity to seek another situ
ation. Tho woodcock's braJn Is an epi
curean morsel.
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