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16
THE NEBRASKA INDEPENDENT
APRIL 4, 1907.
UNITED STATES SENATOR
FROM SOUTH CAROLINA
PRAISES PE RU-NA.
Mr. Dooley on Things Spiritual.
V.y F. P. DTTNNK.
(Copyright, 1907, by H. H. Mc Clure &
Co.)
'Wei!, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I won
der where science Is goin' to stop?"
"What's It done now?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"Th' latest thing," said Mr. Dooley,
"is weighin' th' human soul. A fellow
up in Matsachoosetts has done it. lie
weighs ye befure ye die an he weighs
ye after ye die, an' th' dift'rence is
what ye'er soul weighs.. He's discov
ered that th' a v rage weigh iv a soul
in. Wiv P'ntrland is six ounces or a lit
tle less. Fr'm this he argies that th J
conscience isn't part lv trt' soui. xi u
was th' soul wud be in th' heavyweight
clas, f'r ih New England couscience
, is no-feather. He thinks it don't es
cape with th' soul, but lies burrld-ln th'
in. ins iv itjs own fam'ly home, th liver.
It's so simple it must be true, an'
if it -.iln't true annyhow it's simple,
Hut it's a tur-rble thing to think iv.
I can't see anny money in it as an in
vention. Who'll want to have his soul
weighed ! .Suppose ye'er time has
cuiiK-. Th' fam'ly ar-re busy with their
own thoughts,' giievin' because they
hadn't been as good to ye as they
might, because, they won't have ye
with thim anny more, because it's too
late -f'r thiin to square ihimselves,
pityin ye because ye-er not remainin'
to share their sorrows with thiin, won
dhtin' whether th' black dhresses, thai
were bought in honor iv what peopll
might say if they didn't wear thim in
mimry iv Aunt Eliza, wud be noticed
if they were worn again f'r ye. Th'
very young mimbers iv th' fam'ly ar-re
stundin' around, thryln' to look as sad
as they think they ought to look. But
they can't keep it up. They nudge
each other, their eyes wandher around
th' -room, an' fr'm time to time they
glance over at Cousin Felix an' expect
him to make a laugh'ble face. He's a
gr-reat frind iv theirs an' they're sur
prised he isn't gayer. Something
must've happened to him. Maybe he's
lost his job. There ar-re a gr-reat
manny noises in th' sthreet. Th' un
dertaker whistles as he goes by, an'
two iv th' neighbors ar-re at th' gate
sayin' what a fine man ye were if ye
didn't dhrink, anask!n did ye leave
much.
"An' little ye care. Everything is a
millyon miles away fr'm ye. F'r th
fust time in ye'er life ye ar-re ye:rr
silf. F'r Hiven knows how manny
years ye've, been somebody else. Ye've
b'-en ye'er wife, ye'er fam'ly, ye'er re
lations, th' ptlisman on th' beat, th'
doctor,' th' newspaper rayporther, th'
foreman at th' mills, th' laws iv th"
land, th' battinder that gives ye
d !i inks, th tailor, th' barber, an' pub
miiiiion. Th' wurruld lias held a
look in' glass in front iv ye fr'm th'
dav ye were born ah' compelled ye to
make facts in it. But in this here par
ticular business ye have no wan to
please but ye'ersilf. Good opinyon an'
bad opinyon ar-re alike. Ye're akelly
unthroubled be gratichood an' revenge.
No wan can help ye or stay ye. Ye're
beyond th' sound iv th' alarm clock an'
th' facthry whistle an' beginnin' th'
Big Day Off whin th' man iv science
shakes ye be th' elbow an' says: 'Ye've
got to weigh out.' An' he weighs an'
figures: 'Wan hundherd an' forty
siven fr'm wan hundherd an' fifty.
Siven fr'm naught can't be done; borry
wan; siven fr'm ten leaves three. I
find that th' soul iv our late lamintd
frind weighed a light three pounds
avird xipoisc.'
"No. Sir, it won't do. "f will niver be
popylar. People won't have their souls
weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wur
ruld have th' wurrud go through th'
ward: 'Did ve hear about Dooley's
soul?' 'No. what'." 'They had to get
an expert accountant to figure its
velcht, il was that puny.'
"live suppose Dorgan. th' rnillyon
aire. "wud consint to it?' 'Whin he en
tered th' race iv life he was properly
handicapped with a soul to offset his
iviuico an ms anuiiy, so mu.i auiue
iv
il' ies' Iv us wud have a kind iv a
hhnvv against him. But as soon rs ne
thinks no wan can see him he begins
In get rid Iv his weight an' comes rom-
pin'
homr miles tihemi. lui m juages
Moid on. there: ye'll have to
say:
wvinU out.' an' a little later a notice is
posted up that Iornn H disqualified
f'r
rldm unuhervvvigni in in manner
iv
soul. On th' other hand, t Here's ut-
tl Ml'
Ml Maddlgau. th' seamstress.
. ,1.1 . .kn'a
H nil Ullt I U "l Ul I'wi.
i
intled all til way around, an" come
in
Wil
lame, u t ad last. Mill sue n in oniy
i. a 1. 1 ... .!..
wan Iv i"1 mats k pi m nini,
Sh
..u.h nlnetv-slx pouna mx iv u
In' tea an' toast an" ninety iv It notil.
An
nmid . xrlnmatlons iv rare rr m
haiueH-ir Day. who hi piungea
,ivil,v 'U Plrgun In m I uturlty, an
nli.x Iv joy f ! thnuiamt miner
Kutly. who have linked th' idly, her
number M hung out.
"No Sir, whin It romi-i to Rin' up to
th' cak l ln.. tlv-tr se iii weighed
people'li be as shy as they are in a
Customs House. Th' peiple that wud
make th' invintion pay wud be th' last
to want to be tested by it. Th pa
apers might keep records iv th' re
sults: 'Misther So-an'-So, th gr-reat
captain iv fi-nance, died yesterday,
universally regretted. His estate
amounts to nineteen millyon dollars.
There ar-re two large bequests to char
ity. Wan is a thrust fund set aside
f'r his maiden sister Annybelle, who
will receive f'r life th' income on eight
hundherd dollars in stock iv th' Hack
ensack Meadows comp'ny. Th' other
is forty-two dollars to buy a wooden
leg f'r his brother IsawC, in Abilene,
Kansas, it bein' understood that no
charge is to be made be th' estate
against th'- brother f'r a set iv false
teeth bought f'r him in the year nine
teen four. Th' balance iv th' property
is left in trust f'r th' minor chlldhen
until they ar-re 90 years old. Th de
ceased requested that his soul be
measured be troy weight. It tipped
th' beam at wan pennyweight' "
"D'ye think th' soul can be weighed?"
asked Mr. Hennessy. "I know it's
there, but I think I kind iv feel I
wondher I don't hardly know "
"I see what ye mean," said Mr. Doo
ley. "Scales an' clocks ar-re not to be
thrusted to decide annything that's
worth deciding. Who tells time be a
clock? Ivry hour Is th' same to a
clock an' ivry hour is diff'rent to me.
Wan long, wan short. There ar-re
hours in the avenin' that pass between
two ticks iv th' clock; there ar-re
hours in th' arly mornin' whin a man
pretenses.'
"How can I know anny thing, whin I
haven't puzzled out what I am mesilf.
I am Dooley, ye say, but ye'er on'y a
casual obsarver. Ye don't care anuy
thing about me details. Ye look at me
with a gin'ral eye. Nawthin that hap
pens to me really hurts ye. Ye say,
'I'll go over to see Dooley,' sometimes,
but more often ye say, 'I'll go over to
Dooley's.' I'm a house to ye, wan iv a
thousand that look like a rowiv model
wurrukin'men's cottages. I'm a post
to hitch ye'er silences to. I'm always
about th same to ye. But to me I'm
a millyon Dooleys an' all iv thim
sthraners to MgE. I niver know which
wan iv thim is comin' in. I'm like a
hotel keeper with on'y wan bed an' a
millyon guests, who come wan at a
time an' tumble each other-out. I set
up late at night an' pass th' bottle
witli a gay an' careless Dooley that
hasn't a sorrow in th wurruld, an'
suddenly I look up an' see" settin'
aorost fr'm me a gloomy wretch that
ilres th' dhrink out iv th' window an
chases me to bed. I'm just gettin
used to him whin another Dooley
comes in, a cross, cantankerous, crazy
fellow that insists on eatin' breakfast
with me. An' so it goes. I know more
about mesilf than annybody knows an'
I know nawthin'. Though I'd make a
may fr'm mem'ry an gossip iv anny
other man, f'r mesilf I'm still un
charted. . .
"So what's th' use iv thryin' to know
amvything less Important. Don't thry.
All ye've got to do is to believe what
ye hear, an' if ye do that enough af
ther a while ye'll hear what ye believe.
Ye've got to start in believin' befure
ye can find a reason f'r ye'er belief.
Our old frind Christopher Columbus
hadn't anny good reason f'r believin'
that there was anny such a place as
America. But he believed it without a
reason an' thin wint out an' found it.
Th' fellows that discovered th' canals
on Mars which other fellows think cud
be cured be a good oculist, hadn't anny
right to think there were canals on
Mars. But wan iv thim said: 'I won
dher if there ar-re canals on Mars; I
believe ther? ar-re. I'll look an' see.
Be Hivens, there ar-re.' If he'd won
dhered an' thin believed about clothes
poles he'd've found thim too. Anny
kind iv a fact is proof lv a belief. A
firm belief atthracts facts. They come
out iv holes in th' ground an' cracks in
th' wall to support belief, but they run
away fr'm doubt.
"I'll niver get anny medal f'r makin'
anny mun give up his belief. If I see
a fellow with a chube on his eye an'
hear him hollerln', 'Hooray, I've din
covered a new planet, 'I'll be lh' last
man In th' wurruld to brush th fly
off th end iv th' telescope. I've known
people that see ghosts. I didn't see
thim. but they did. They cud see
ghosts an' I eudJen't. There wasn't
anything else to it. I knew a fellow
that was a Spiritualist wanst. He wan
in th' chattel morgedge business on
wwk " an' he was a FplrilulH n
Sunday. II cud understand why th"
uplrlts wud alway pick out a xtout
lady with faint hair or a Klnlltii..i
that hit hH thumb nuuk reitred t
ToHs Hailnuai tn t ilk through,
an' he knew why spirit llkr.l to rlay
on Iwit'JoeM an iiiundoUiia an' why they
ionvarx"il 1 rapphi on a table In th'
ilis'i, Th' uii'y iea-oa I cud think lv
can't sleep that Methusalah's age cud
stretch in. Clocks ar-re habichool
liars, an' so ar-re scales. As soon as
annything gets good enough to weigh
ye can't weigh it. Souls ar-re "f'r th
other fellow. I'm perfectly willin' to
take ye'er weight or ye'er soul's
weight fr'm what th' scales say. Little
I care, A pound or two more or less
makes no diff'rence. But when it comes
to measurin' something that's precious
to me, I'll not thrust it to a slight im
provement on a see-saw.
"But what do I know about it anny
how? What do I know about anny
thing? I've been pitchin' information
into ye f'r more years thin annywan
iver wint to college, an' I tell ye now I
don't know annything about anny
thing. I don't like to tfrrust mesilf for
ward. I'm a moSt man. Won't
somebody else get up? Won't ye get
up, Tiddy Itosenfelt, won't ye Willum
Jennings Bryan, won't ye Presidint
Eliot, won't ye, pro-fissors, preachers,
doctors, lawyers, iditors? Won't anny
body get up? Won't annybody say
that they don't know annything about
annything worth knowin' about? Thin,
be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand
up before me class an' how much
more humbly befure me teacher? an'
say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that
can't be weighed on a scales or meas
ured with a tape line. I'm as ign'rant
as ye'ersilf. I'll have to pay ye back
th' money I took fr'm ye f'r ye'er
schoolin'. It was obtained be false
was that they'd always lived in boord
in' houses an' could't get rid iv th' cus
toms. "But he had th' best iv me. He be
lieved an' I doubted. He toqk me to
what he called a seeance wanst. They
gave him a front seat. I heard a good
deal iv talk among th' spirits bejfind
th' curtains. Says wan with a Gar
man accint: 'Who's th' fellow with iv
old come-on?' 'Oh, he don't amount
to annything, an' annyhow ye judden't
wake th' old boy up if ye set fire to
him.' 'Hurry along with thim feath
ers,' says another spirit voice. I turned
to me frind an' I see be th' look in 1 is
eyes that it wud be a waste iv effort
to impose on him. 'They come,' he
says. 'It is Ungawapa he says, as
th' ghost Iv a noble red man iv th' for
est appeared through th' curtain, mut
therin': 'Himmel, why didn't ye get
that chain out iv th' way?' He looked
ivry inch th' warryor fr'm th war bon
net on his head to th' congress gaiters
on his feet. 'Is Israel Simpson here?'
says he. 'Yes,' says me frind. 'What
can I do f'r yo today, great chief?' 'Do
ye know a man be th' name iv Mul
larkey?' 'I do,' says Simpson. 'I see
him carryin' a rockin' chair down
stairs,' says th' haughty Pattywato
mie. 'Gig chief wants wampum,' he
says. Simpson pressed a roll iv bills
into his swarthy hands an' says to me:
'Come along quick.' 'What f'r?' says
I. 'Mullarkey is movin' his furniture
an' I have a morgedge on it,' says "he.
'Th' Injun always advises me right on
matthers Iv business,' says he. An'
there was a man that wud bite a silver
dollar in two before he'd take it f'r
good."
"My aunt seen a ghost wanst," said
Mr. Hennessy. .
"Ivrybody's aunt has seen a ghost,"
said Mr. Dooley.
SHORT STORIES.
RACIOUS, Fanny!" exclaimed a
mother to her little daughter,
Why are you shouting like that? Why
can t you be quiet like your brother?"
"He's got to be quiet," replied Fan
ny. "He's playing papa coming home
late."
"And who are you playing?"
"Oh, I'm playing you."
A teacher in a Long Island City
school was glv ing her class a lesson In
hygiene.
"Never sleep on more than one pil
low." she said: "in fact, it's better to
use no pillow at all, because if you do
it's likely to make you round-shouldered."
Little Uocco Pisciolta waved his arm
wildly.
"Well?" said the teacher.
"S'poseti you sleep on your stum
miek?" piped Koeco.
"While it I. of course, a platitude to
say that a wise teacher learns by In
structing others." recently obnervud an
Instructor In a preparatory school in
Brooklyn. 'lt is permissible to remark
that he frequently picks up some, curi
ous information in this way.
"I once aked a boy to explain, If he
could, the difference between animal
ntlnct and human Intellbrenee. It Waa
a prtty hard question, but the lad ,n
j ' ', ll to It,
'"If we had Instinct.' he il.l. we
li.Mild know everythltijj we iteeded to
1 Ui.mv without learning It; but we've
1 got reason, nnd fo v hive to Mtidy
i ourm hca 'mot blind, or U il fool.' " '
Ex-Senator M. C. Butler.
Dyspepsia Is Often Caused By Catarrh
of the Stomach Peruna Relieves Ca
tarrh of the Stomach and Is Therefore a
Remedy For Dyspepsia.
1 Hon. M. C. Butler, Ex-U, S. Seu-
ator from South Carolina for "two
terms, in a letter from Washington,,
D, C, writes to the Peruna Medicine
Co., as follows :
' can recommend Peruna for
dyspepsia and stomach trouble. 1 7
have been using your medicine fori
a short period and I feel very much i
relieved. It Is indeed a wonderful I
medicine, besides a good tonic. " r
CATARRH of the 6tomach is the cor
rect name for most cases of dyspep
sia. In order to relieve catarrh of the
stomach the catarrh must be eradicated.
Only an internal catarrh remedy,
such as Peruna, is available.
Peruna exactly meets the indications.
A certain member of the Pittsburg
stock exchange has set his nephew up
in business three times, but the young
man lacks something essential to suc
cess in the line selected for him, and
has failed with each effort.
When he recently appeared before
the uncle with his fourth request, the
latter said:
"You must learn to lean on yourself.
I can't carry you all my life. I'll tell
you what I'll do. You owe me a great
deal as the result of your last failure.
Pitch in n your own hook and go it
alone till you pay off those debts.
When you've done that, I'll give you
a check for what they amount to. Such
an experience will do you more good
than all the money I could give you
now."
Two months later the nephew walked
in with every claim receipted in full,
and the uncle was so delighted that he
gave the promised check.
"How did you manage it, Howard?"
he asked, after an expression of con
gratulation. "I borrowed the money," replied
Howard.
A well-known American actor, who is
old enough not to consider himself a
matinee idol by any means, was some
what surprised and pleased in a St.
Louis hotel a short time ago, when a
pretty girl etopped him in the corridor
and presented him with a rose, without
saying a word. He was more surprised
and less pleased to receive a note the
following day reminding him of the In
cident, and asking him to send the
giver of the flower two seats at the
theater in which he was playing "as a
memento of tha occasion."
"My dear young lady," the actor re
plied, waxing sarcastic as he realized
what had bven the object of the at
tention he had been paid, "I would be
glad to send you the Keats you nk for,
but. on consultation with the manager
ef the theater. I h.ive been Informed
that the eals are ull fastened down,
and Hut h" H opposed to havJnf them
-fnt riwiy ,i Honvt iiirn In Any t ,nt, no
that you will have to he contented with
nn autoRiaph fcr it souvenir of your
Uenuvoletjee of j jsletd iy lntad.M
"
