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About The independent. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1902-1907 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 31, 1907)
JANUARY 31, 1907 THE NEBRASKA INDEPENDENT How Colonel Gulliver and His Wife Stacked Up. By George Ade 15 Li mr 111 - ' - 1 11 . " in II n - -iii- -I..IHI.I. I,. .i... ihh.iiiim.i-. M iihi - " j , ; : Once there w&s a great man named OulMver. He llyed In a Congressional ;Ji3trict bounded on the north by the Fin Woods, on the west by the Corn ijiel on the south by Chin Whiskers 'rind on the east by the great Unsalted 'tiena of our Imperial Domain. He had a wife whoso father laid out .'the first ralhbad through Winnebago County. When Gulliver and his wife were in ' one end of their Native Burg the other ;cnd would tip up a little. Gulliver told every other man In the town where to head in and get off and' what to do next. He was a Colonel on the Governor's ! staff and the Official Photographer had taken many a snap shot at him. Also President of the Local Club and the owner of a registered Trotting Horse with Toe Weights and Blinders. Occasionally Mr. and Mrs. Gulliver would pull off a very classy Function ' up at the lied Brick Mansion. The llouso . had a Mansard Hoof and a Porte Cochere, although very few used it and no one tried to pronounce It. Every time they Received, the Young Lady with Pencils in her Hair who did Society . Happenings for the Daily Rocket would take a hypodermic or Hot Mush and then write about Two Columns. She knew what the Bon Ton wen? going to wear before the Basting Threads had been pulled, and say! she could wrilo about plain Smllax until you would want to put Oil and Vine gar on it and cat it as a Salad. The Gullivers had a Tureen in the front Hallway and any one whose Card had not been deposited In that sacred Receptacle did not belong in the Swim any more than a Rabbit. The Gullivers were certainly a Loud Noise in their own state. Even the most prominent Families that had built on the new Avenue leading out past the Cemetery to the Fair Grounds did not come above the shoo tops of the Gullivers. Mr. Gulliver lost a good deal of Sleep because She who must be obeyed kept nudging him in the Back and talking about Washington. She wanted to move into a larger Field, so that she could throw herself. She was getting too Spcody for a half mile Track. So he began lining up the Lilliputs and organizing a Machine. Ho carried a few Precinct Commit teemen in his Vest Pocket. Any time the President of a Ward Club wanted to hold a confab with the great Gulli ver ho would borrow a stepladder and climb up and get on the knee of the Man-Mountain. If the latter would pat him on the head and slip him a Jolly he would swell up like a Breakfast Popover. Even the County Chairmen and the Postmasters and the State Aessembly men were pretty Small Fry when they lined up alongside of the big Battle Ship. When you pause to consider that ho wore a Frock Coat on week days and had a Bank Roll that a Horse couldn't Jump over and controlled the Trolley System and could get passes on al most any Trunk Line, you will under stand why the ordinary Midget toiling along at no much per Month had to lean back and look up at the mighty Gulliver. Mrs. Gulliver was a kind of social Pike's Peak to the common or garden variety of Married Woman who made her own Clothes and was trying to scale down the Store Bills in order to buy a Phaeton. Any time that she got a Bid to go up to the Palatial Home of the Gulli vers and play Progressive Cinch she would begin working on her Hair at 10 a. m. When Mrs, Gulliver read a Paper on the True Significance of Pre-RaphaeL ' Itlsm before the Thursday Afternoon IbMUlch Club f-ho would gaae down fnrn Sinnp Heights Upon the little cluster of palpitating ladles gathered about the Buttles on her skirt. The Gulliver were like two Culifor nla lltdMls arising from th Shrub bery; like two Sky Scraper looming ; Unexpectedly In imme modest Village: like two American Knagles perched majestically upon a Bough with a flock of wet. They fi ll tlntr own FUe and Import. &hei and one can understand why they hanker, d for a w ider Sphere of Jnftu. ene and th companionship of large, fre N u!s. far from the hampering 1 prmtnrhlUm of a onchon Jay Town. So Gui!lv r ran for Cotigrrs, with Mrs, fluMUrr eh behind hint, prod din him along with a Hat Pin She didn't know mor thin a Tubb p4ttiful about taking th Tariff off of ' Ftlt!no !"'.!"t, Rlt frh did not ear : threu whoops whether the Ny Was inert!! or taken Ir Mt Ih hark, but he hid tirw Photo I'neravtnir f MfTSelf out on th floor of tn IUU I loom, two Mt pptnic with the Chief ' Justice ef th 8upr'tu Court. By slathering two bushels of Golden Ducats and waving the Starry Banner until his Arms gave out, Gulliver was elected to represent the 'Steenth Dis trict in the Halls of Congress, and he felt about the same as King Edward did the day after the Coronation. As he and the Lady with the Prompt Book rode toward the Rising Sun they wondered if they would be able to dodge the Reporters. Having arrived in Washington, they recognized the large Structure with the Dewflicker on top of it as the Arena in which Gulliver was to do his grand and lofly flipfllaps. They hired a Guide In Uniform to lead them around and put them wise to the general Lay-Out. Mr. Gulliver discovered that he had been assigned to a cute little Desk about the size of those used in the Second Render Department of a Pub lic School. As nearly as he could es timate, there were 4.000 of these Desks all facing a tall Throne, occasionally occupied by an Old Gentleman about sixteen feet high. Mr. Gulliver could tell the difference between a Congressman and a Page al most immediately, because the Pages were smooth-faced. The Government had provided him with a Pad of Paper and a No. 2 Pen cil, so that he could employ himself In making Pictures while waiting for th Speaker to discover that he had arrived In the City. Mr. and Mrs. Gulliver were wander ing through the Corridors, a little sur prised at not meeting some one they knew, when suddenly the great Build ing trembled and they were aware of the Immediate presence of a most' co lossal and awe-inspiring Giant. He seemed to fill out the available space In all directions. He bore down upon them and they backed against the Wall to escape being walked upon and Anni hilated. As he passed they looked up at the Massive Countenance, which bore an Expression of stern and thoughtful Melancholy. They saw the heaving Chest and measurfd with bulging eyes the enormous Stature of the Strange Being, the terrific upward sweep of gleaming Forehead and tho voluminous folds of the Toga, which was large enough for a Tent. "What is it?" asked Mrs. Gulliver, In a choking whisper, "That is a Senator," replied the Guide. "He came very near stepDing on me," said Mr. Gulliver. "Couldn't he see me?" "A Senator cannot see a Congress man until the Congressman has been here long enough to swing a Commit tee by the Tail," was the Reply. "I had better get out of here," said Representative Gulliver. "I never felt so puny and helpless in all my life." "Wait until you get used to them and they won't look quite so Big," said the Guide. "In the meantime, when you see one of them corning you had better run and hide behind a Waste Basket." "Oh, look who's here!" suddenly ex claimed Mrs. Gulliver pointing through the Window. Her husband looked, and saw an other huge Mortal with gray Side Whiskers approaching from the Ave nue while dozens of Department Clerks and J6 Excursionists hurried to get out of his way. He was at least twenty-two feet tall and the average Government Employe 'could not have crawled over his in step, Let us go back to the tall and un cut," said Mrs. Gulliver, who was pale and flustered. " don't seem to sl20 up In the kind of Company that we have struck here." Ju?t then the Congressman felt some one scratching htm on tl.e Shin and he t.oked down and beheld one of his Constit. who wished to b re warded for his lifelong inborn with ft dandy liWO Consulate somewhere In Asia. Immediately tla Conerjsman put hU Hand tut j tho Bosom of Ids Frock Coat and resumed his Relative Im portance. lie told the humble Torch Herr to bo of Good Cheer. n.s h- espe-tsi to m the President mile.-es th Prl dent w him flrnt. Hack at the Hotel, where the Gulli vers were paying right Bucks per day for a cy Room commanding an excellent View of ttu VenllUltng A p. p uattn. tho ambitious Cou i put their Heads together and decided Hut tn v werv trying to U In a fabty HUh Gaiie, Th liuome had hokrd like all the Money In the World when they had U o .1 Went. nd certainly It hid enMd thm lo mo n wide Hwath But when 0.v i ' d t It heri In the Million, j Hire Colony It confuted of cm White , rin, Hoiwr. thigr were lud Quitter, They decided to fuss around and see if they could not atti.ct tho attention of the Big Guns. By carefully pulling tho Wires, the Hon. Gulliver had himself named as a Member of the Committee on Extinct Fish of North America. And whenever there was an Open House at the Executive Mansion, Mrs. Gulliver found that she was just as welcome as anybody else. It was hard lines, though, for a natural born Orator to sit there week after week, gradually forgetting what his own Voice sounded like. And Mrs. Gulliver, who always had marched at head of the Procession with a Bass Drum was not much stuck on standing at the tail end of the Line, waiting for her Number to be called. Occasionally thoy would break into some real Doings, but they were over shadowed by the Brobdingnags or High Guys of the Official Circle and the Diplomatic Corps. It is a great pilvilege to move In Real Society, but one does not like to dodge restlessly about between tho Legs of Cabinet Officers and other mastodonie Celebrities. Mrs. Gulliver had been gazed at through the Lorgnettes until she felt like the original female Wampus, whatever that is. She wcrtcd the Congressman to loos en up I'-n ' buy a House, where she could really Entertain, and also ad vised him to get into the Senate, so that sho could put her dainty French Heel on the Necks of thoso who had kept her elbowed into a Corner. The Gullivers went home at last, somewhat disfigured, but still Game and ready to step up at tho next call of Timo. They had seen the Big Show by peck ing under tho Canvas, and they were determined te beat the Game and land in among tho Whales If it took a life time. They certainly had learned a lot dur ing their sojourn at our Nation's Capi tal. Back among tho Lilliputs they showed up bigger than ever. Gulliver had tho nerve to wear Spats. Mrs. Gul liver showed tho Ladles of the Congre gation how to play Bridge for real Money. Also it was commonly reported throughout tho District that they served Liquor right at tho Table. Gulliver was so high up in the Air that, he could not hear the Murmur of Discontent down around his Ankles. He knew that he could pick up any one of the Lilliputs and scrunch him between the Thumb and Forefinger. But he did not recall what happened to the original Gulliver when all of the tiny Beings got together and arranged to put him out of Business. Every time he had landed a Job for one of tho Little Fellows ho had been compelled to turn down twenty others, whereupon each of tho twenty became a Knorker and began to sharpen his Harpoon. Also thero was an undercurrent of Sentiment to the effect that the Gul livers were putting on too much Dog since living in Washington, and did not seem to have that old-time yearn ing Affection for their yt'ppy Neigh bors. And so, one Morning, when Gulliver awoke after a rosy Dream, in which he made several Speeches in tho Senate and was being mentioned in tho News papers as a Probable Candidate, and tried to turn over he found that he was tied hand and foot, staked down, bound and helpless. The host of political Mites had com blneil against him. A gang of Ward Workers and Precinct Captains squatted on bis Chest and gavo hi in the Iaugh. What is more they would not let him up until he promised to behave and allow them to name a new Boss. Thus ended the adventures of the second Gulliver. He continued to live among tho Lilli puts and he was always a Big Man, but never quite as big as before they sneaked up on him and showed him how to take a Joke. (Copyright, 1907 by George Ado.) TIII3 SIIONTS RESIGNATION. The difference between the retire ment of Mr. Shonts from the Panama service and tho departure of Mr. Wal lace from his post is so great that the two are net parallel cases. Mr. Wal lace went back to Panama after an apparently satisfactory conference with the authorities at Washington, almost immediately returned anel astonished them by tendering his resignation. In the caso if Mr. Shonts, on the other hand, tho president va3 Hounded by the Intci t rongh railroad people on. his willingress to release the chair man before he was elected to his new position. Had objection been made the election would, not have taken place, mittcd it. Thero is nothing surprising, nor to the knowing friends of the Panama canal Is there anything particularly disheartening In the resignation. Chief Engineer Wallace resigned a year af for Mr. Shonts would not hawi por ter tho work began, and po far as anybody has been able to show the work went on unhindered by his ab sence. Conditions are better now. and the retirement of Chairman Shonts will not cause an In?tant"s wavering in the work. It is to bo expected that such incidents will occur frequently In the course of the canal building. Whero great constructive or executive ability is brought to light in that work tlv're will be plenty of private enter prises to bid high for such a man. In the canal, might have a double rca somo cases this may come from tho groat need of private enterprises for great men. In other cases it is con ceivable that enterprises whose inter ests, to say the least, do not lie with the quick and competent completion of son for attracting a valuable man away from the canal work, or for having his position made untenable by hectoring on the part of a senate committee or other authority. It is useless to think of meeting the bids of these interests dollar for dollar. The men who finally see the canal through will be men to whom the appeal of patriotism overrides the appeal of the pocket. If any man's monument marks the entrance to the canal it will be the monument of such a man as this, not of a man who stays with the canal because there is no higher salary for him elsewhere. The Chinese imperial commissioners, in the Boston public library the other day, expressed great astonishment that no one could tell them which boek in the library was the oldest. From the Chinese point of view the oldest book is the best. There are no "six best sellers" in China. A book under one thousand years old is read by no self-respecting man. The Improvements to the Suez canal now under way include an Increase of depth throughout to thlrty-ono feet and the bottom width to 12 feet which will permit an Increase i f speed of vessels passing through it from six to nine miles an hour. This will cnohto hhips to make the passage through tho canal In twelve hours, about alt hours less than at present. Chicago-New York Electric Air Line R. R. We arc now selling our stock for fltfi per share, and as we are building the first division, and expect to run trains into Chicago this fall, stock will advance rapidly in price as the work progresses. As all our stork is redeemable at par when any part of the road is in operation, and is all of the par value of $!0O per share, those taking advantage of present prices will reap very large profits. Semi one-tenth payment with order and secure a block of this stock before the next advance in price. Write for particulars and full information. Address W. F. POKTKk. biscal Agent for Nebraska, 17 10 llarwood Ave., Lincoln, Nebr. 4 -4